Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Flesh Eating Babies and Burning Cars

Hey, remember me? I used to blog here. A lot. Now I've turned into something of a ghost blogger, only showing up every week or so to scare the locals before going back into hiding. Meh, I've got a one year old. A one year old who bit my eyelid Sunday night. Bit. My. Eyelid. 'Cause he's rabid. Why am I not blogging much anymore, because I've got an eyelid biting, rabid, cannibal one year old trying to kill me at every turn. That's why.


Stacy



You know what's really awesome? When you've been prepping a blog post that you've been adding things to all day because you're forgetful at the best of times and then your 6 year old calls you from the bathroom where he's sitting on the toilet and jokingly tells you that your one year old is playing with his pooey diaper. Yes, the cannibal from above. You think nothing of it and go on looking at pictures in tumblr because, come on, he's six and poo jokes are in and besides, the baby is right here playing... where the hell is the baby? Then you run off to the bathroom and find out that, sure enough, your one year old has knocked over the garbage bin and has pulled opened the hideous abomination you threw in there a hour or so ago and meant to throw in the outside trash soon because of its noxious death odor but now it's too late because it's out. Out out. Like on the bath mat, and not only the bath mat, but the funny shaped one around the toilet bowl and oh god, it's on his hands, his hands! So then you stand him up against the bath tub so you can... do something with this disgusting, heinous crime against humanity and get the poo monster sprayed down before he touches something else, like your arm! He touched your arm! And then you see your six year old, still sitting on the throne, smirking because you have poo on your arm and now you don't need to wash it off because your fury is burning it from your skin only it's impotent fury because now you're trying to keep baby, who by now is soaped down and slippery as a greased pig, from playing with the faucets and burning himself. And once you've been able to contain this hazardous train wreck and get the animals back in their pens you discover that your effing computer has crashed and everything you've been working on is gone. Gone and not saved by Blogger even though you know you saw that damn 'save now' button turn from blue to grey.


*deep breath*


Moving on. See this picture here? I sent it to Michele from It's a Dog's Life...





...and she turned it into this.



Sadly, six days ago, a handful of asshats decided it would be fun to light cars on fire, loot, and generally ruin the reputation of a great city, all on the pretext of the Vancouver Canucks losing the Stanley Cup. By now I'm sure you've all seen the pictures of the fires and the destruction, but what you may not have seen was pictures like this.


This was the morning after the riots, and those are post-its notes thanking the Vancouver Police for everything they did. By the end of the day that car was buried in notes, cards, flowers and signs. That same morning, thousands of volunteers showed up downtown to help city crews clean up the mess. Another great thing that happened, that actually started before the rioting had even finished, was the creation of several facebook and tumblr pages encouraging people who had been there to submit their photos and videos of the rioters in an attempt to help the police identify them. As of last night, the VPD had over a million photos and a hundred hours of video. Quite a few idiots have already lost their jobs because their employers or people who worked with them saw them on line or on tv that night. Thank goodness most of the people who do this sort of thing are stupid enough to take pictures of themselves doing it.


Peace out

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Game's Afoot


Don't worry, he was in no danger of falling down the stairs. Or at least falling very far. And the crazy voice was because I had one of his toys on my head to encourage him to walk to me.

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Big Red One

Happy Birthday, Finn.


FEMA and all local disaster relief agencies have been alerted.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Mud Pie... er, Cake

Me: How did the potato masher get upstairs?
Supreme Leader: I don't know (she may have been gritting her teeth)
Liam: I don't know either, but it was probably stuck to my foot.



Huh? Whatever, he made me a mud cake for my birthday.



With an ocean theme. And it's a cake, not a pie. He was emphatic.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Permanent Slugs


You know that 'permanent marker' thing on the side of a Sharpie? They're serious about that. And when your child decides to use one to paint a rock on your kitchen floor and it sinks into the linoleum, it's there permanently.


Stacy


Supreme Leader's mat leave is almost done. I can tell she's looking forward to going back by the way she walks around the house muttering, "I hate my f@*king job."



"Baby baby baby, ohhh!" When we went grocery shopping on the weekend the audio section was playing a Justin Beiber concert video. That effing song lodged itself in my brain like some kind of heinous zombie cancer that made me want to drop to the floor and beat my head against it. "Hey look, toilet paper's on sale this week. Baby baby baby, ohh!" GAH! *thump thump*


Commercial for a photography store in Calgary.



Liam picked up a slug in the back yard yesterday and got slimed. It took over five minutes of vigorous scrubbing with a cloth to get that Ghostbusters ectoplasm guck off his hand. Don't play with slugs. Just sayin.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Sleeping Poet


Beans have eyes but you can't see them
Spiders don't hurt they're trying to help
Bees are helping too just watch your fingers
Fish plant beans but they're seaweed beans
Everyone plants beans, everything plants beans
Don't worry about rose bushes, just don't touch them
                                                   - Liam

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Hockey, Butter & Dinosaurs

I've been trying to get a post out for a week now.


But it's playoffs. Suck it, Vaughn.


And the last time the Vancouver Canucks made it to the 3rd round Supreme Leader and I had just got engaged. (this one's for you, hon)


I was only twelve the time before that.


So this is all I've got for now. Nothing personal.

Unless you're from San Jose, Detroit, Tampa Bay or Boston. Although I'd like to throw out a big thank you to Mary and the Red Wings for winning last night and drawing San Jose into a tiring seventh game.