Life has given me many ups and downs through the short 37 years I have been here. Through many of those years, I have counted on others to help get me through each phase. Many times being disappointed because no one was there. I've never really believed in myself. I've always battled many demons; depression, loneliness, anger, sadness, poor self-image, unhappiness, etc. This can be traced back as far as I can remember. Even in my early years I remember feeling this way. And when I hit adolescence, it just sky rocketed to where I am today.
I know many of my blogs are very negative and very sad. One thing I have realized is that this is a very helpful way to get my emotions out. I've kept them bottled inside and have just dealt with them internally, unsafely. If I didn't have this avenue to get my emotions out, they would still be bottled up and eating away at me. This is my therapy. I have tried therapy but in the end I can't get everything out so I stopped going. I refuse to be medicated anymore. I refuse to be in a "fog" through out life. It does no good being that way.
I think I am going to quit school for the time being. I have to much on my "plate". I have to take care of "me" before I tackle something else.
Much of my problem has been centered around my weight. I need to kick my addiction to food and get healthy. I need to do this for the right reasons. I need to learn to love me for just being me. I need to love myself unconditionally. I need to get my path back to the straight and narrow. As my mom says, back to the basics.
Jim Walter (from Facebook says) "Everything starts when you believe in yourself and others believe in you". This sums up everything I need to do. I have many who believe in me. I just need to believe in myself. I need to take charge in my destiny. It's only me that can make the change. No one else can do it for me.
So this is my promise, my manifesto, to myself. This is the begining, the alpha of the new me.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Doritos and Graveyards
Well I fell off the wagon. I have done so good, but Willard had some Doritos and I sat for the past couple of nights with him working and them sitting out on the counter before I partook. I won't say how many I ate. I've done fairly well (not 100% faithful) to my diet. I've lost almost 20 lbs since I started 2 weeks ago. I've got another 26 days to go. Hope to loose another 30 to 40 lbs. I know what I need to do, and I just have got to do it. I'm not as strong this go around as I was the last two. This time around just don't think I have the selection like I had the other two. I'm just going to have to try to find a way to purchase the pre-made meals.
One thing I can say is that I'm definately getting my water in. I drink at least 32 oz to 64 oz of coffee (with a couple of splenda packets in it--I can't drink it black, guess I'm not man enough), at least 4 or 5 liters of water (more when I am at work, I drink a liter an hour), and at least 100 oz of crystal light lemonade. That is 333 oz of water/fluid I take in each day. AND I see the results. I should probally only drink about 200 oz, that is what is required for my body to keep it hydrated.
Well my shift is almost over. I want to thank my bestie again. I want to thank her for all she has done for me. To keep me on the straight and narrow. To keep me directed in the right direction. I won't say it, but you know but I'm mushy.
One thing I can say is that I'm definately getting my water in. I drink at least 32 oz to 64 oz of coffee (with a couple of splenda packets in it--I can't drink it black, guess I'm not man enough), at least 4 or 5 liters of water (more when I am at work, I drink a liter an hour), and at least 100 oz of crystal light lemonade. That is 333 oz of water/fluid I take in each day. AND I see the results. I should probally only drink about 200 oz, that is what is required for my body to keep it hydrated.
Well my shift is almost over. I want to thank my bestie again. I want to thank her for all she has done for me. To keep me on the straight and narrow. To keep me directed in the right direction. I won't say it, but you know but I'm mushy.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The Dream Continued
My bestie told me I need to keep up on my blog, so because of her I have a lot of catching up to do :), to satisfy my readers. I will happily do so....Man I didn't realize how long it has been since I have blogged. I have to keep up with it.
There has been some very important things that have happened in my life the past while. I have completed series 2 of HCG and on to my 3rd. Series 2 has been the best series so far, with the greatest loss of over 100 lbs. I'm on day 8 of series 3, with only a 8 lb loss so far. I have not been so staunch on keeping the diet, but I will be from now on. I want to be down another 100 lbs total by May 29Th, which is my 17Th anniversary. Closer to getting my motorbike :). Closer to my goal of actually looking good. Closer to my fitting into "sexy" clothes. Closer to everything I want to do and what I want to be.
Oct 1st I went back to school. Totally changing what I wanted to be "when I grew up". I no longer want to be in computers (although I will continue working w/ them in my new profession). I have decided that I wanted to become a teacher. My dream has always been to be a music teacher, but have decided to become a high school biology teacher. This will let me be and do what I've wanted to do ever since I was a little child. Maybe one day, I will fulfill my ultimate dream of becoming a music teacher, but either way, it is an important position.
Heather has also began going back to school. She is working on Elementary Education w/ emphasis on special ed. This is something she has wanted to do for a very long time. This has been the one goal she has always wanted to achieve, but has never had the chance to. She fulfilled her time at her position at DI and we had decided that she needs to pursue this and get onto a career she can be proud at.
I had a wonderful Christmas this year. Our yearly assistance went to a good, close friend this year. We were able to provide a Christmas to this family, total of 5 family members, including a dinner. It felt so good being able to help provide for a family, plus a close friend on top of it. I didn't get many presents myself, but used that money to provide for this family, so in the end, I received the best Christmas gift ever. This is the second year we were able to do this, and if I have any chance, it will be a yearly occurance. We have had help several times over the years, and this is my way of giving back. I love the feeling that I get by doing this. And all I ask is that the families that I help, pay it forward when and if their circumstances changes for the better.
Well folks, I must end this blog for now, but I will keep up on it. I have a couple of papers I need to write and get ready to turn in this week. I took to much time off of my school work. I have to get back on the ball. And to my bestie, thanks for everything and thanks for kicking me in the butt once again. You rock and, well you know, all that mushy stuff.
There has been some very important things that have happened in my life the past while. I have completed series 2 of HCG and on to my 3rd. Series 2 has been the best series so far, with the greatest loss of over 100 lbs. I'm on day 8 of series 3, with only a 8 lb loss so far. I have not been so staunch on keeping the diet, but I will be from now on. I want to be down another 100 lbs total by May 29Th, which is my 17Th anniversary. Closer to getting my motorbike :). Closer to my goal of actually looking good. Closer to my fitting into "sexy" clothes. Closer to everything I want to do and what I want to be.
Oct 1st I went back to school. Totally changing what I wanted to be "when I grew up". I no longer want to be in computers (although I will continue working w/ them in my new profession). I have decided that I wanted to become a teacher. My dream has always been to be a music teacher, but have decided to become a high school biology teacher. This will let me be and do what I've wanted to do ever since I was a little child. Maybe one day, I will fulfill my ultimate dream of becoming a music teacher, but either way, it is an important position.
Heather has also began going back to school. She is working on Elementary Education w/ emphasis on special ed. This is something she has wanted to do for a very long time. This has been the one goal she has always wanted to achieve, but has never had the chance to. She fulfilled her time at her position at DI and we had decided that she needs to pursue this and get onto a career she can be proud at.
I had a wonderful Christmas this year. Our yearly assistance went to a good, close friend this year. We were able to provide a Christmas to this family, total of 5 family members, including a dinner. It felt so good being able to help provide for a family, plus a close friend on top of it. I didn't get many presents myself, but used that money to provide for this family, so in the end, I received the best Christmas gift ever. This is the second year we were able to do this, and if I have any chance, it will be a yearly occurance. We have had help several times over the years, and this is my way of giving back. I love the feeling that I get by doing this. And all I ask is that the families that I help, pay it forward when and if their circumstances changes for the better.
Well folks, I must end this blog for now, but I will keep up on it. I have a couple of papers I need to write and get ready to turn in this week. I took to much time off of my school work. I have to get back on the ball. And to my bestie, thanks for everything and thanks for kicking me in the butt once again. You rock and, well you know, all that mushy stuff.
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