I've been having a whirlpool of thoughts that's drowning me. Its not the people around me, it's just me. Me and my senseless mind. I must rly be out of my mind.

I honestly can't believe how stupid my life is now. I'm so so so so so tired. I've never been so tired. I want this to end. I want this to end so bad.

是我想太多，原来一直以来都是一个人。我好累，好想休息，好想放了自己。

Somedays I look at them and everything come screaming back at me. The words they say, the actions they did, the way they looked at me. No matter how badly I want to forget I can't. At some point it will be back haunting me.

Tell me how is it possible that I still love them with all these broken pieces. The very piece that they've shattered throughout these years.

I'm so so so tired I think I'm the one who needs the most help here.

Help..

You asked why is it that I'm always so happy with my friends but when I'm with you I'm not always happy. The answer to it isn't money or expensive gifts or any crap. It's sincerity and effort. That altogether is enough to make me happy. The crap they talk that makes me laugh like mad, or the rubbish they text me over the phone that's enough to make me smile or laugh like a fool at my phone. Those things doesn't require a single cent. And I'd rather get that than money or expensive gifts any day. 

Tired of everything. Can't believe that even ovs I can barely enjoy myself now. What is happening to me.. The people around me take me for granted. From nearly 4 years ago till now I still stay up late at night just to talk to you. But you always take it for granted. It becomes a norm. No matter how late it is it doesn't matter. Only when your show/game finish then will you be free to talk. Then will I be able to sleep. I'm so sick of this why the fuck is it always like that. Why the fuck is the fucking game/show so important. The deepest things people hide from us are the things they do/blurt out unknowingly. Just like how my father that I should leave the drink for Nigel instead of taking it. Even when his exams are in a few days time and mine is tmr. Just like how you always make sure that we will be there by this time when we're meeting with your friends but when you're with me, it's flexible timing. Just like how you said we can work on 31 because we will be celebrating tgt only and not with your friends this time round. It isn't the big things that makes me believe/trust the person. It's the littlest things that does the work. And so far you honestly don't deserve all the trust and believe I've given you even though you've failed me so many times. Yes I have a weak heart, I give in to the people I cherish. Even how much they've hurt me I'll still give in to them. But I'm learning to be hard hearted. And I'm starting to be already. I have already started with the bastard who used violence on me. I wonder what's next. And I can't wait to harden my heart and let all those go. Because they're the reason I'm suffering and torturing myself almost everyday. When I let all those go all my burdens will go with them as well. I can't wait, I only hope for the time to come soon.

最孤單的不是一個人. 而是有陪伴缺還是像一個人.

From the very beginning effort was and will always be the most important thing to me. I give my all but sometimes I get taken for granted. So many times I want to let every single thing go. I'm drowning in the sea of negativeness and hatred. Because all I've constantly received was that and nothing else. Even from the people who are the most important to me.