This is me

moved my blog to http://iewesgn.blogspot.com

Blogfest 2005

I wonder if there is really a blogfest in the world. They should have one.

While I was studying history today, I suddenly thought of this: what will it be like had Hitler not started the World War 2? What will it be like if USSR were to gain an upper hand against the Americans in the Cold War? What will it be like have I been born in Argentina? Maybe that’s why we study history. Then again, studying history doesn’t seem necessary, for example, it is hardly possible to have another Cold War looking at the state of the Russians now. Or let’s just contemplate on the lessons we learnt: we finally realized how stupid the Americans are. And that brings us to the next point- if Americans are dumb, why are they still the superpowers now?

I felt a little over-reacted though. The reason why I do not like about Americans is the way they changed their language. As I said before, how can you change football to soccer? When you just want to establish your own other sport that half the world doesn’t play? What about the word ‘colour’? Are they so lazy that they have to take the ‘u’ out? GOSH.

But that’s about it. I still love their way of life. Because, if their stupid, the rest of the world are probably dumber. Much much dumber.

Going back to the first point of what ifs. I really wish that I can decide all of these. I mean, of course, people definitely love to have such powers, don’t they? And if they do, I suppose that they must be immortal.

I suddenly have a question to religions faithful. Let’s pretend we’re in a situation when luck is really on your side. Most faithful would believe that this is predestined (correct me if I’m wrong). Perhaps it’s kind of a reward for something great you have done (maybe you’ve helped 3 blind men cross the road). Let’s get to the point. Your long-time crush suddenly asked you out on a date. You cannot believe your luck.

So here comes by question, if such incidence are to reward your good deed, isn’t it contradictory to other’s free will? It’s definitely a very complex system to match everyone the same way. I mean, calculate the permutations. Or take another point. Let’s just say ‘the speak of the devil’. Isn’t it strange that such occurrences happen so many times in your lives that it’s uncountable?

It’s not really my question against the faithful though. It’s just that I’m puzzled by such a complex system that god is able to handle. Perhaps that’s why god’s god. He really can do something beyond a human being can. Definitely.

As most of you know, I do not exactly have a religion. It’s also not exactly my priority to believe in something. But somehow rather, I believe in miracles. I’d like to believe that each and every religion is true, and someone they integrate to form a singular believe. Perhaps this is my belief. Haha. Out of point.

Take care peeps. Off.

Just a quick bite- not ready for goodbye

Sittin' here starin' at the wall
Another lonely tear falls
I'm tryin' to write you this song
But I can hardly see the page at all

‘Cause it's breaking my heart
When I look in your eyes
And I don't see me anymore
Oh, and you're all I'm living for


Baby, tell me that you still believe
That you still love me
The way I love you
If you take your love away from me
You know I would die
‘Cause I'm not ready for goodbye (Oh...oh...oh...)

Baby, please pick up the phone
Tell me I'm crazy, I got it all wrong
I don't know what I'm gonna do
I don't know how to live without you

You are the first song
My heart ever heard
And baby, I-I believed every word
You are my heart, my soul, my world

Baby, tell me that you still believe {Still believe
That you still love me {That you still love me, baby
The way I love you {The way I love you

If you take your love away from me {Away from me
You know I would die {I would die
‘Cause I'm not ready for goodbye {Goodbye

Every breath that I take, every beat of my heart
You know it's all for you
I wanna hold you, I wanna love you
Forever and always

Baby, tell me that you still believe {Tell me
That you still love me {That you still love me, baby
The way I love you {The way I love you
If you take your love away from me {Oh...oh...oh...
You know I would die {Oh...
‘Cause I'm not ready for {Goodbye

Baby, tell me that you still believe (Tell me)
That you still love me (That you still love me)
The way I love you {The way I love you
If you take your love away from me (If you take your
love away)
I know I would die (I know I would die)
‘Cause I'm not ready for goodbye, goodbye, goodbye,
goodbye

‘To love and win is the best thing; to love and lose is the next best.’

It’s probably the last thing that I want for ‘her’ to read my blog. Haha..it’s kinda shameful though. But then again, to see her respond this way (at least I presume-the title was her msn nick), I felt kinda pleased, more so satisfied. Thanks for whatever reasons, and rest assured I have moved on.

Common test is coming. I’m barely prepared. I can’t believe that I’m actually sitting down here continuing to blog. The devil side of the brain is forcing me to think that it’s just common test, nothing more. The angelic side, as always, ask me to screw this and get your books. I have my books on the table. Yet I’m not studying. Maybe that’s why I’m human.

Actually, with all honesty, I love the examinations period. It’s really the time of MY life that I feel productive, at least it’s the only time I’m trying to understand the contents of my syllabus. Being a typical Singaporean, I’m supposed to balance everything within 24 hours, which sadly, I failed to. Yet come to think of it, if my studies aren’t going to give me a job in the future, will I regret for spending these 2 years in jc and a further 3 years for the degree?

I have always been troubled by this fact that the working society is a totally new environment. The basics are not even the books. The basics are life skills. Is the education system right? Are we even taught life skills? I doubt so. Very doubt so. I’ve seen so many people older than me, but more immature than a secondary two kid. How do you explain that?

Ok, sad to say, I’m stuck with this system. Perhaps I’m only saying this due to the pressure of the common tests. Can’t believe I’m actually pressured by such a small event.

Off.

Last night before I slept, I suddenly have this idea: what better way to celebrate my 18^th birthday than getting married?! And if I really do, I’ll probably repeat this process every year until I really found that someone special and decided to have a family. Ok. Irony. But it really sounds so fun. It’s like secondary 2 kids trying to crash into a junior college for orientation. Maybe a little crazier.

However, there’re two problems to my madness. First, who will ‘marry’ me? Ok, maybe I can just ask any of my friends to play along, get 4 witnesses and register at the marriage board. But then again, I doubt anyone will be that enthusiastic. More so, I would definitely want some female I feel comfortable with, which makes the mission more impossible.

Second, will I be a disgrace to the blissfulness of marriage? DUH. Marriage to some is such a religious process that only happens once, and for me to do the repeatedly for the next 10 years would horrify them. And looking back at the first point, who would dare to play around their marriage while being faithful to their religion (I’m from CATHOLIC junior college you know). How much disrespect would I show to those who wanted to marry for the last 40 years and still haven’t yet do so? Sigh.

Perhaps I’m a little nuts about the last occasion, hopefully you my dear readers have already found out (to know that people acknowledges your blog is an incredible feeling- so I shall try to be more mature in my entries ok? Thank you my readers anyway!). I mean, of course, that was a cruel shock, probably not as cruel as I thought it to be. Ok let’s not digress. But this occasion really forced me to realize all issues around relationship- such as marriage. Haha.

Perhaps the best time to blog is when you’re studying for examinations. It IS definitely more interesting that the permutation of alphabets and numbers that you spent half your life trying to understand its definition (sounds so chemistry- more like economics-sigh). Blogging is therefore the next most productive thing straying from your studies (it is proven to provoke thoughts). Therefore, I’m blogging now, with my sacred history notes lying right next to the computer.

Yet, it’s especially ironic since you’re supposed to be interested about the subjects you’ve chosen. For example: me. I love history. I don’t dare say very much but it’s definitely more than those superficial levels. I get hooked easily into the lives of historical personals and events- I have the persuaded my father to get for me the Hitler movie. Maybe it just attributes to some of my nosiness. Ok, let’s not shoot too far off. It’s like, how can a blank page on the explorer be more interesting than reading stories? I am considered one of those lazy breeds (maybe not so much-I’m studying), and how can I appreciate work more than familiarizing with something I have learnt?

Ahh…crap, I’m feeling so sleepy now. Anyway thanks for those who were concerned with my plight (come to think of it, I look so dumb, so stupid, so…).

Off.

Variation 

Maybe i'll be a singer 

I’ve been thinking about this the whole day. I felt lost, absolutely lost. It’s more than frustration. It involves disappointment. Yet somehow rather, I’ve felt this more than once, and it’s probably the fifth time I’ve been enduring such pain. Fair enough, I SHOULD not even regret. I’ve tried nothing, totally nothing. All I did was waiting after waiting, hoping some miracle would happen. I prayed every night at 12 sharp to see better light. But it stopped right there. I’m really a fool, a foolish fool.

Love lost. No. More like the end of a desperately hopeless one-sided affair. Definitely, it’s good for me, my life, and my mindless imaginations. I did not even ask her out during Valentine’s Day. Still, when you realized someone you like have found a boyfriend-which isn’t you- how do you react? I wanted to cry, yet I have to put up a false front to entertain my mates. It will prove that I’m an even more retard to show my lousy mood, won’t it?

By right, I’m supposed to have fallen for her twice. The first was the time I saw her outside a shopping centre. Maybe my mind just build a never should be built pretences that since I saw her somewhere outside school, there should be some fate involved. Worse, my mind further evaluated that she and I should be compatible- both of us love sports, are captains of our CCAs, and love the same type of music. She was the near-perfect girl for me. At least that was what I thought. Yet on it goes. I did tell my friend about my view on this girl. This friend in fact knew that girl well. So somehow, she should find out that I’m interested. BUT it ended there. Seriously, I’m so bad at flirting that I haven’t got her number till NOW.

The second was the period after the second intake. Yes, new environment, new people, new goals. Of course, I had my eyecandies, but I couldn’t find anyone as beautiful as her. Yes, she was that beautiful (don’t argue). Maybe it’s her style she walks, the way she plays netball, the comments I heard from friends. It’s just so wonderful that I could find no fault. None at all. I did not think about her for the first 3 months, probably because of the much stuff I had to adjust to. Yet, while everything settled. She came back to my memory. Perhaps my mind was getting cranky. Yet I couldn’t get her off my mind. I played along. Played all the way till now.

So the bombshell dropped. As much as I was enjoying the first couple of months in the New Year, I was so busy that I hardly spent anytime using the net. That’s the only place I get connected to her. I was looking over her friendster account and saw the ‘in a relationship’. Just a few weeks back, I remembered her as a self-proclaimed single and unavailable.

YES, it’s a stupid, dumb, retarded one-sided game which I was made to lose. My friend did warn me not to throw the dice twice since I got on with my new life and made new friends. I constantly reminded myself it was going nowhere. In fact, the past couple of weeks made me really consider if I had like this person, or if I was worshipping some imaginary character. Yet, when the news broke when you were totally not expecting, it really burns your heart. It was something like a cold flame. Perhaps if you’re sensitive enough to smell rain, it’s twice that kind of feeling the smell inflicts (I feel sad when I smell rain). It hurts really hurts. It really hurts like crap.

And worse of all, I haven’t got the solution to get over it. I was and am desperately trying to force my tears out and failed. I shouted my lungs out in the empty elevator and felt worse.

Perhaps that’s down to my loser mentality. This is the 5^th time I got heartbroken. Every one of the last 4 involved a third party getting a head over me. I wasn’t the most fluent speaker. I did not come from the richest family. Ok, that’s a huge disadvantage. But at least, I don’t see there’s such difference in my story? I’m the fastest runner in my school. I play football well. I have been a track captain twice. I mean, I’m so good at all these things that why the hell must I be disadvantaged in such important areas? I don’t see Beckham having the trouble to be a footballer, a model and able to attract both Victoria and Rachel Loos. I don’t see why my brother is having his third girlfriend and I am facing the fifth heartbreak in my life. I mean, fuck, I feel unfair. What the hell is wrong with me? I really can’t figure it out.

Maybe it’s down to the bad month.

Maybe it’s down to those chain letters.

Maybe it’s down to my oral skills.

Sorry readers, I can’t find another place to vent my frustrations. Please don’t be sympathetic; you shouldn’t- I’M AN IDIOT. Felt much better now. (YES it’s another dumb entry)

Off.

Slap Michael Buble. I mean embrace him. I saw the advertisement on his latest CD, and can’t stop humming to his version of this song. It’s been happening for the past hour and I’m still singing to myself. Gay tendencies.

Happy Valentine’s Day! At least for the remaining 40 minutes…So how has it been for you, my dear reader? Probably way worse than mine. I got to attend lectures, tutorials, lectures and tutorials again, before going under the sacrificial ceremony of my dear coach Mr John Lim. How wonderful. And then, I had dinner with 2 other GUYS who had never stopped questioning my sexuality. Haha. Ok LA..i’m straight, perhaps even more accurate than some. I had and have my eyecandies (maybe there’s a little feminine touch; most have short hair). I tried dating one girl way back in secondary 2(so blessed that I failed- I didn’t like her at all). I have a dick.

Let’s keep you updated on my life. It’s into the second week since I last played football. As much as I love the game, I can’t seem to find time to do it. Maybe after all these years, I’m starting to get a little ‘burned’, a little tired. Yet when I watch Ronaldo cruising past 3or 4 defenders, how I wish I could be him. Oh gosh. What do I really want?

I had my time trial last week. Finally. Yet, the result was disastrous. Haha. Ok fine, I lost to Matthew. That’s not the point. I’ve been wondering why all my hard work these couple of months showed no result on Friday. I’m definitely fitter than now than anytime last year. I’m definitely handling my workout better than anytime last year. And yet I’m slower than anytime last year! How wonderful life is! Perhaps you can enlighten me.

Wow, I managed to type. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Off.

I haven’t been blogging for quite a while-simply because I don’t know what to type. My apologiesL. Anyway, how’s it going people (I reckon that there’s no more than 10 viewers-sad fact)? Mine’s rather good, a little more hectic than usual but really pleasing. First, I finally got my track work going. It seems that the work I put in within this past month overshadowed what I did during the first term last year. Quite satisfiedJ.

Happy Chinese New Year everyone! Belated greeting, but at least I greeted, bah! Just calculated how much I’ve received from the ever lustrous red packets…slightly more than 200bucks. Doesn’t look good (My cousin gave me 200 last year, but halved it this time round…). Then again, we shouldn’t be greedy ehhz? (Right…)

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"
Birds singin� in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you�ll miss me
While I�m alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I�m longin� to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

(instrumental break)

Stars shining up above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"
Birds singin� in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Yes, dream a little dream of me

SOLITAIRE

Hah..that’s the problem, can’t seem to write, anyway…go find these music, they’re great.

Dream a little dream of me :P