its a new 2010 year. and so far, things are starting to take its toll on me already

i'm dropping out of the worship ministry, taking charge of a bunch of youths, friends going overseas for exchange programs, starting school, started work. feeling really really disappointed at myself.

I remember when i was young, i had big dreams that one day, I WILL be traveling the world, studying in the United Kingdom, or playing in a band and travel all over the world.

Now as an adult, things are just so different. Things aren't the way I would like it to be. going overseas to study just isn't an option anymore. Its a big NO NO. Traveling the world, its also a BIG NO NO. Playing in a band. sheesh. i just suck at playing the guitar. my dream to play the saxophone? worst still.. its just downright outrageous.

I could just go on and on about how sad my life is, how it sucks to be me, how things are. I just can't seem to be happy with things around me. I want things to be done in a certain way, i HOPE things will be done in a certain way. its just not the way. a rebel. a betrayer. I dont know which is which. all i know is that, everything i had dream of, or work hard for, or hoped for. just ain't happening.

sometimes i just want to resign to my fate and oh wells. thats the way the cookie crumbles. it really sucks. but it seems that life must go on. I'll trudge along, if only routine, joy-less, soul-less. cos that is what everyone expects of me.

who am i to say that i want things this way or that? im just a small fry, no.. im a nobody. Only God knows me, and all i want to do is to know Him. i hope that thats all i am able to do...

cheers