How to be beautiful?

Met with these wonderful people that gave me a journey with memories worth to remember forever

I was on holiday for 2 weeks straight, back-packing between 4 countries with my friends.

It was my first time travelling back packing so I had this vision in my mind to packed light, be practical and choose comfort  over fashion in my clothing.

I had an image in my mind where I'll be travelling in my  sport shoes, no-iron shirts, messy up dos and faded jeans.

But oh boy, was I wrong

My friends packed their sophisticated leather boots, Zara jacket, Marc Jacobs perfume and Chanel make ups lines, with perfect honey mustard cardigans, feminine crisp stripe shirts and 100£ Superdry jacket.

They all look fierecely awesome in every picture snap along our journey and there I was, the most chowkia one in the pictures.

In the mid of the trip,  one of my companion express her joy that it was such a bliss for her to went travelled with me because she thought I was awesome. 
(Well- duh!)

So she said that we should go to Paris together for our winter holiday this year to indulge in macaroons and Longchamps shopping handbags.

But then she said the darnest thing..

' Reena, nanti pergi Partis kena pakai lawa-lawa tau. Sebab orang kat sana semua pakai lawa-lawa '

I laughed and said ok. 

But at that point I knew, I was obviously the selekeh one among my friends.

Sad. Its just plain sad.

To be honest, I don't know or have the faintest idea on how to be drop dead gorgeous?

I mean I love classy and plain colours elegant clothes and all.

I love Palzzo pants, Kimono cardigans and artificial-fashion leather bags.

But I just don't think I can rock them.

Plus I'm in the UK for God's sake.

Do you know how strong the wind gets here?

Given that Middlesbrough is in north of UK.

Which means the weather temperature are higher than most states down south and I have to wear winter jackets all the time.

How am I going going to walk with poise when the UK blizzard keeps hitting my face everyday 5 secs once I got out the door.

Not to mention ruining my perfectly done hair.

Its cold even in the spring.

I could not afford to bring myself to wear linen or single layer clothes.

I'm that girl who'd choose comfort over beauty.

I tied my hair so my hair won't get to my face.

I wear knitted and thick shirts so that it keeps me warm every second of the day.

I wear sneakers everyday because hell, I need to keep my feet warm and comfy too.

So how the hell am I going to be beautiful in Paris?

Its a dilemma that I have been figuring out for the past 25 years.

And please, don't even think to talk about inner beauty on me.

I'm gonna boo you at the face.

**cries**

 ****************

 Netherlands

April 2014

***************

Till then, xoxo

Surviving on whsipers

5-days in Akademi Kenegaraan for training. 5 hari yang penuh keselesaan

Lately surviving life can be a struggle.
Accepting few unwanted facts in life can be a huge struggle to adapt.
There are moments where I thought to myself to just open your mind and let it be. 

To accept and allow life to unfold by itself. 

To believe concretely that God always has better plans for you.
To know that escape was never an option as this is your life. 

 I'm still in the midst of the processing to this mind settings.

However there are times when you feel like breaking down after handling so much crap,
the positivity will starts radiates inside you and my heart will say,
you've been through this crap a million times reena,
in the end its all going to be ok.

Then I lift my head up and face with the same crap again, 

my mind will says, ni semua sekejap je ni. 

This too shall pass like any other drama before this.

And when I'm facing all of this sadness alone,
deep down I knew that God has sets whats best for me and  its for my own good. 

It may not be for now but it will be someday.

Cause you know that God never make mistakes. 

Kita harus yakin dengan ketentuan-NYA. For this I will get up dan kuatkan semangat lagi.

At times when I feel I could not bare much longer, I would whisper to myself,  

Tuhan takkan uji hamba-Nya lebih dari kemampuan hamba itu sendiri. 

You can survive this. Take a look around you,

there are people who has suffer worst than you do.

Then there are times you ask yourself, why does God put you in this path 

when He knows you'll fail in the end.

You know the answer to this. Ada hikmah disebalik nya. 

There's always a silver lining in everything that happen. 

It might be for the experience or may be to learnt few life lessons. 

You know its for your own good.

But after awhile, 

when the whispers start to ceased and all you can see
is yourself as a smiling puppet yang menangis dalam hati.

A puppet that has continuously pray for ketenangan hati.

I know that God has always be with me and has help me tremendously. Masya-Allah.
But I just wish I could just go on and become stronger than this.

Thank you so much for dropping by and read this drappy story.
XOXO,  Love you

------------------------
 Sharing with a friend who listens over plates of these also helps.

Macadamia Cheese Cake and Flourless Choc Cake at Bens Gen Foodstore

Seeking Myself

Once upon a time, this was me.

********************

Ola..

I'm taking a holiday! Yeay!!

I guess this holiday comes at the right time.

I'm not going anywhere out of the continent though..

just somewhere close by to take on the new scene.

Life has been really hard since November till this year.

It took a lot for me just to stand up to walk and smile.

I'm always grateful that Allah SWT has always ease my ways.

But honestly I miss myself. A LOT.

I haven't been myself in awhile. Particularly since November last year.

Life was so different this time last year.

Back then, I was just being the silly me with a little drama here and there. 

But now I'm miserable, more like unstable.

I can shed tears at any given time over petty reasons. 

I keep on reminiscing the past and the future unconsciously. 

I become constantly aware of myself when walking around in a crowd and 

driving in a certain area would get me so anxious.

I can get easily confuse over small amount of information and my focus...urghh..

I think my focus span could only last for like 8 seconds top.

Its been months, and I'm still longing for the loss.

And the hurt of losing, it never goes away. 

How can a year changes everything? Changes the very existence of being me?

I want to feel alive again. 

I want to wake up in the morning without feeling sad or afraid.

I want to be able to feel at ease when I'm seeing my friends or being in a crowd.

I want my confident-and-silly-me. 

Through out the years I've never thought I loose that. Loosing my me-ness.

But I did.

And I want it back.

Which get back to why I needed this holiday.

To reflect and find myself back.

I don't know how I'm going to do this but I'll try.

God works in mysterious ways. I hope He gets His miracles to work on my end.

I knew Allah SWT would never put on my plate more than I can bear.

Everything Allah SWT planned happens only for the best of us.

But at some point, I wish I could say,

I'm tired. So tired of facing this hurt and terror everyday for the past months.

I tried to make it all come to an end. 

I've made myself busy, constantly praying for Your help and guidance. 

And due to Your love Allah SWT, I have survived today and yesterday.

But if there's anyway I could've stop this pain in me, please show me the way.

Till then, I'll update soon.

Thank you munchkin for reading this,

Love you. xoxo

The sad thing called The Tragedy

Me, Dyana Lulu and Nadrah, my own personal Sparkles.

********************

There were a few..who actually asked,

"Reena, what happened? " 

and
"What is the tragedy that you're referring to in your blog?"

As much as I want to share it with you girls,
the matter has been very private for me to share.

I think everyone has their own share in life
 that they have to went through to make them stronger.
So "the tragedy" was my share in life to make me a stronger person.


I believe it happens for a reason.
I prayed hard that may it happened for the best of us.

All I knew when "the tragedy" happened,
I was shattered to the core.
I lost myself in the process.
I was blind to all the beautiful things that God has surrounded me with.
I was numb.
It got worst when I could just burst into tears out of nowhere at any given time.

It was tragic.
Even talking about it now almost got me choked up.


Days had passed since it happened and it still hurts.
There are times when I still cry myself to sleep
and felt like ripping myself apart every time I try to overcomes it.

But Allah SWT has helped me so much,
 and I am forever grateful for that.

I never knew that sometimes
what seems like the right thing to do could also
be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life.

Despite all of the tragic drama that happened,
there was never a moment seberat zarah pun of regret in me.
I am happy that it happened.
I am happy that I get to share the bittersweet experience with them.
May Allah blessed me and the people that I cared about always.
Thank you to all your silent prayers.
I love you, always.
xoxo

***********************

My 18 year old baby bro bought me this colourful hand band as a graduation gift.

Aww. Sisterly tears. Thank you munchkin!

Those were the days..

If I could turn back the time I would. 

Even to relive the bitterness that I once shook.

They say to live life with no regrets, 

to move forward and never look back. 

Even to the piece of heaven you once had. 

Life may be full of celebration and surprises,

And yet it still offers you sorrow over the rainbow that passes.

When thoughts are cherished and sad moments become memories. 

For I have always be grateful for each bliss that He has bestowed upon me. 

But if I could turn back the time where peace is relive, 

I would do it without a single thread of a doubt in me.

******************************************************************

Thank you for dropping by

Love you. xoxo.

Nothingness

Every morning I wake up to this new chapter in life.

I marched to the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror.

Then I get dressed and ready for work.

I arrived at work with a fresh start.

The day goes on with absolute emptiness in my heart.

Felt nothing to do nothing. To make no difference in world where none matters. 

Contemplating whether to take charge or let it be.

Till it was time to get home in the early evening.

Dinner time with my family.

And sleep with no ease or cry, just numb and left with nothingness by my side.

Because the lady in the mirror I saw this morning wasn't me,

it was a creature that just simply exists.

****** 

Thank you for still being here.

xoxo.

Longing for self-vacation...

Life has so many blessings but we would still found the limitations through it. 

I tend to think that its the way human thinks by nature or that it just it. 

The fact that we constantly want more when already have more,sometimes doesn't make sense. 

And right now, instead of being thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to pursue my studies in forensic, I find myself wanting more. 

I want to work. Because I want money. 

Loads of them. I find solitude in having lots of money.

I can shop, do whatever I want without concern to anyone and I can help people without contemplating the remaining of the money I have left. 

And the best of all, I get to control things.

Everything is within my call not by others.

Though I sometimes enjoyed getting orders but I started to feel the exhaustion of it. People are smart and idiots. 

That is just  how far normal people they can be. 

And also money brings me everything. 

In the world surrounded by people with shallow thoughts, I thought I had enough of it though i'm just 22. 

But that is just it. Shopping, reading is how I release my self. And I can't buy more books or go shopping where money are limited to me. 

The fact that I have 2 closets full of my junks,I still want more. 

I figured because I see shopping and reading is an escapism for me. 

If I can't escape myself anymore, how I'm gonna deal with all the idiots and shallow minded people around me?

This is where I realized why people see through the limitations when they have everything they wanted around them.

To escape.

To free themselves from thinking the same thing that they think everyday : stress, tensions and those idiots.

People who say all those bad things about money, even I doubt they couldn't deny the pleasure that money brings them.

 Its not as if they survive till today without the very thing call money.

And please after reading this, 

don't think that my parent are not giving me enough 

( how do you think I get to fill up my 2 closets? Duh..)

they've given more that I could ask, but I want more.

Thank you for reading this anger-post till the end.

 Till then,I love you.

xoxo

4 and half days

Its very inspiring to see how people can be so positive on things. 

I intended to do the same. 

But bad fate never fails to get in along the way of your good intentions.

There is a quote that says,

" There are no bad days , just bad judgement"

And, I believe it.

But I also believe that how positive we want to be, negative effects do contribute, for balance.

There are certain issues in my life that I have constantly feel negatively about. 

3 months ago I wanted to change that. 

And I tried.

 I yearned the support from the people that I truly love,
upon having these good intentions on the things that I have negative thoughts on.

That's the saddest part, they did not help.

They thought I was pushing myself into something that I did not want to do.

But ,as I said,I wanted to change. 

I was ready for the big leap.

I even confess to them about the changes 
and that I wanted their support.
Even a touch or a word of wisdom would have help.

But it didn't happened.

Positive people are nice. Trying to be one is hard.

So how is it for one wants to become positive?

Do we have to wait for the right time? What if it won't matter any more.

But if there's someone already wanting to be one,is good. 

But some encouragement would have make it easier.

A little note for myself:

God has been gracious.

For I have live today blissfully and should be grateful for His love.

I pray that I will never lose that.

I will always love you. 
xoxo

Dear Peter Pan,

Another 2 weeks my holiday is up.

And I don't even know if its good or bad for me.

I wanna stay at home. Reading, catching all those DVD's i've bought, cooking + baking and just  stay at home.

But that was not how my holiday turn out.

Staying at home with a full-time mom can sometimes be depressing. No offence. This is just me expressing my feeling at the moment.

This followed by that there was hardly a day I actually stay at home.

There was always going to the movie, went to the mall, having lunchdate ( sayang, not that I'm complaining ), and of course dinner with dad.

I don't want to complaint. But this all sound like one, doesn't it?

xxxxxx

Truly, I am grateful for everything that God has given me. And I will always cherish that. 

The fact that I still have my family, friends and my bumble bees with me and also being able to go out see the beauty of the city.

 But if some one just stop and ask me what i want right now, is just this ,

I want to be alone in the house just for one day, that's it.

xxxxxx

Last night, dad drop the bomb by asking me ,not literally,to pursue my master right after I finish my degree.

I don't want to pursue in anything that regards to extending my education period.

I'm not that smart enough.

Study is for smart people, who have brains, vision or whatever is that sounds intellectual in their life.  

I just want to live my life. 

Get a job + experience ( lots of it ) + money ( lots and lots of it ) = THAT'S IT!

But life always has a mind of its own..till then.. toodle!

xxxxxx

Wendy, can you please pick me up before you leave? 

I wanna fly to NeverNeverLand...

  

Holiday Break-Even

Here we go..another round of holiday season!

Another kick of for life drama, running errands,life drama and loads of baking recipes to be try out, and then back to life drama! 

Simon says "Seriously Lady R,get a life! "

What does it mean actually?

"Get a life"

When this is your life?

You can say how boring or fascinating your life is or has been..but you can never change the fact that your LIFE is like that. Its how it is build..By who?

 By YOU, of course! (of course in God's willing )

So,either we make a change or just bare with it! You choose,its your choice..no regrets!! But the problem arise when you 'll come to think that how you're gonna change it, OR how you're gonna bare with it when there so many issues are concern. There is where I'm stuck as well.

Then it all goes back to Allah the Almighty.

START by believing that everything He creates are for our own interest and it happens for a reason. God work in a mysterious ways.

So far it doesn't lure me out from this life drama,but it nurtures me to keep going and learnt from it. And despite all this, I will always have my health, my strength, my mind, and my Angels around me.

People may say all the things that they wanna say about you and your actions,but its your life that you are risking.

Its up to you to let those words influence your judgement.

So beware to all the "critics" out there. Get a life!

p/s : Syukran Allah SWT, for all His gracious and blessings