how can personal change be constructive? decadent and demanding, we are cocooned, knowing what we should do is gapped by the knowledge of our limitations and inertia. inertia!! caring therefore, is at a premium, a cynical construct. even as christmas and the spirit of it looms (disclaimer: I never see any reason to be merry about any occasion at all), should take this chance to pay it backward, for the unopportune, unexpected fleeting moments. we are all, I hope, wiser for being one year older and as 2007 draws to a close, we should celebrate these essential qualities and spirits. happy holidays (:

离人;

离人挥霍着眼泪 回避还在眼前的离别
你不敢想明天 我不肯说再见
有人说 一次告别天上就会有颗星 又熄灭

still ambivalent but I cannot deny I have had a proper education (well, better than most people in the world anyway) and I am thankful for that. plus, the memories and lived-in moments.
it's still a blackwhite thing, either one way or the other. something left behind, something else waiting to move on.

有一条长长的路，独行的日子里，我必须凝聚我的思念，我的渴望，我的激情；纵然风雨兼程，路远山遥，我也必须坚定而执著地迈好每一步，我必须如此。

turbulence;

options just ended :D my 'hell' day of 2 essays due, one test and one presentation...OVER! seriously though, went into options not expecting much but savouring the freedom. the best thing is that you're allowed to pursue largely what you want to do and experience for yourself. and decide how interested you want to be, or the depth of knowledge you want to attain. AI (arabisrael conflict) was the most enriching one, despite many videos and class discussion time ie. time to slack, content-wise and understanding-wise it's been the most intellectually and emotionally fulfilling. and no longer do I bias my views on the side of Israel but rather think about international diplomacy on the whole. pharm chem...uhh heavy content which actually requires thought and lightspeed of powerpoint clicking = futility. for the first time in the lab I broke something. must be grace zhang's bug or something! and she continually leaves her water bottle/jacket everywhere. and she sleeps alot, especially during pharm chem too :D a most interesting & endearing partner though, I could think of many other people whom I wouldn't want to have shared 2 options with.

a quote from mr murakami's wild sheep chase:
"You concentrate on waiting for someone and after a certain time it hardly matters what happens anymore. It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same."

it is all about balance

...no, maybe not.
my attitude is sanguine because
a. disillusionment
b. knowledge of my limitations, and yours
c. for convention to be challenged we must first dare. suppression breeds quiet rebellion
d. paradox, the more you yearn the less you are.
e. I am more whole not knowing;

the most eloquent way to sum it all up, the most direct way to say what must be;

MUGMUGMUGMUGMUGMUGMUG.

well;
"radio: ...garrison already decimated by the Vietcong, who lost 115 of their men...
woman: It's awful, isn't it, it's so anonymous.
man: What is?
woman: they say 115 guerillas, yet it doesn't mean anything, because we don't know anything about these men, who they are, whether they love a woman, or have children, if they prefer the cinema to the theatre. We know nothing. They just say...115 dead."

-Jean-Luc Godard, Pierrot Le Fou

thanks strings, for giving me so much more than I used to think it could and would - four years of routine, four years filled with music and the company of like-minded & equally insane people :D I won't say that it was always happiness but to a large extent, a numbing grind livened up by the people and the creation of music by an ensemble. and of course the reliably and unexpectedly funny antics of ms ku all the time (skeleton hoodie :D), mrs chua's dependability, ms kh's perfectionism and passion, all of which drives us to do better, I think. didn't think it would be this fast, seems like only yesterday I was being terrorised by Lijia and Yihui :D my turn to terrorise the violin1s has gone by already..? seems like only yesterday I was taking my first bow with strings and today my last. haha world is turning upside down, spinning so fast. in the end it will be like a succession of photos, or maybe a video, but it has become so integral I cannot imagine it missing. it has been a crazy thing that I've agreed to do for the last two years, and have become accustomed to but it is more than crazy, it was interesting to be able to contribute as much as I could, so I can leave doing my best, with no regrets at all (:

love you all.

hahaha.

...if you look hard enough, you will see;

a pending-for-ages post, finally up (:

缺陷其实是美丽的, 是自然的美. someone asked me, what happened to the idea of perfection? routinely strived for, I can see why it tantalises and fascinates. but imo, perfection is a myth. let me add, in relation to my first statement, that beauty is independent of perfection (: although secretly we might all want to be the next perlman, or the next nobel laureate in xx subject, if you think about it, perfection is not as important as imperfection (wait, this is not to say that they are humanly almost perfect), in fact imperfection in itself is an art, a perfection. confused yet? :D the misplaced notes, the inkblot on a piece of paper, a carelessly dotted i, a profoundly simple declaration of truth? love? freedom? nothing stands between us and ourselves more than what we want. seems to be rather cynical, but I would exchange a stonecold image for the real-ness, the authenticity, the grittiness of reality. even if results are agonisingly grinded out, circumstances turn out to be scratchy, rough, unrefined, there is an inimitable quality of rawness which I really appreciate sometimes. june hols are ending already, as my dear bro likes to remind me, and along with it a certain conjecture is overturned, for me at least. am moving on and on and on, but hopefully I won't get left behind by the term3/last sem of sch express. will it change your life if I change my mind, will it change your mind when I change my life?

we want more than we can find.

zz life as usual, represents my starting words. full of meaning and intent, nothing else. like golf, which is dead boring. and has no endgame except a HOLE?! actually I have no idea why I am blogging here in the first place because a. I have alternative places to blog, b. I am going to exceed my limit for this month. I've been rereading my archives and err. sometimes they were so ambiguous and ambivalent that even I didn't know what I was talking about, or even what I could conceivably be thinking about. but I'm forcibly reminded that this blog has accompanied me through much of my secondary school years. so yeah. this entry will be deleted soon (:this is just a quick comment on something I felt strongly about:it's incredibly not justified, the sch admin's (henceforth referred to as sa, if you don't know my sch then all the better for you and me) decisions to base funding/subsidies for performing arts cca on syf. then again, syf itself is subjective, though I must say that for string ensemble at least, most deserve what they get (: though I could conceive of a thousand reasons for the sa's actions, none of them seem very plausible when you think of what standards the sch hold us to. if they expect revolutionary, record-breaking achievements that has to come with an indefatigable and unconditional support. furthermore, the sch's emphasis, especially in recent years, has been heavily tilted towards academics, leadership and sports. not that there is anything wrong with that, but in general the UGs, clubs and societies and performing arts/culture groups are unappreciated. they try to cultivate and enforce concert etiquette but that too comes from understanding and I am quite willing to bet that while they might practise what they preach, they don't understand the rationale for what they preach. authority figures do turn up for important events like concerts, or the Guides' AA, but it is merely representation. often these abovementioned ccas/groups are barely acknowledged for their efforts in maintaining/improving the school culture. for performing arts especially, it seems to be a once-in-two-years effort for syf and the rest of the time, the sa cannot possibly care what else happens. for UGs, they are employed to do goh duty and/or tie knots (lol! guides) and surely they deserve a note of commendation too? if sch spirit involves the celebration of academic and sporting achievements while leaving other equally important but more intangible achievements then it is no wonder that sch spirit fails to rouse the emotions of majority of the student population.this is a disclaimer; I am not out to criticise the sa without info/evidence, all the opinions expressed here are strictly by the author, after much discussion on the subject with others, and yeah I do have better things to do with my time just that I thought it would be better for me to stop this point niggling at me and I'm quite sure many others will agree (:

so close, yet so far. really tired; congratulations to all who got gwh. for us, I'd say our lane was impressive (: and overall the performance was more musical than before, so regardless of criticisms etc, I would like to think we've achieved what we wanted to.

one week to syf, and the pressure is really cranking up. to all stringers - take care of yourselves! to the rest of the performing arts groups - either well done for syf (especially band ((: ) or keep going!

so many things I could say, and so many I choose not to say. will it all matter in the end? I hope not :D

for once, maybe I can say this unabashedly, I LIKE STRINGS, despite its usual argh-ness. not because of an obligation, but because of its essence (:

nth way;

just realised I forgot about my once-a-month update for feb. oh well, maybe i'll save the post for april, which is syf month. march does not promise or offer much; I wish something so essential would not be glorified and cheapened. I feel limp, like a soggy leaf, but life goes on the way it does and nothing can stop its relentless march.

i want to remember what it feels like without thinking hard.

the new blogger runs like an old car -.- anyway, back for my er, once-a-monthly post. if I keep it up, about twelve new posts should have been added to this blog by the end of the year! so far january has been okay; not totally smooth-sailing, I should not be coasting this year away. relatively few people know about this blog's existence, and even fewer visit this blog regularly (: I'd like to keep it that way, to surprise with the occasional post, like now. I like the fact that change is a constant.

lol this month has been the usual mishmash of starting school issues and somehow we are really sec4 this year already. been feeling rather purpose-less lately, maybe because of absence and balance haha :D even I don't and won't want to know. to be truly passionate about something, that takes guts. who can define passion anyway?

pe today was terrible. while crossing from the canteen to the pavement outside I landed awkwardly. I semi-sprained my ankle and scraped both knees quite badly; to heal, it's a matter of time. everything is a matter of time (: oh yeah, another thing I must say, I do come back & view this blog quite often, so if you are reading this leave a tag. I'd rather communicate and respond through the tagboard, somehow. blogging seems too impersonal.