We could stay young forever

Theres a face I recognise in the crowd. In the sea of faces, your sillouette is the only shadow I look for.

Always been someone I could depend on. To rely on. Someone whom I could trust. 

To know that everything he did is always for me. Always thinking for me. Thinking about me. With pure intentions and little motives. Just by knowing, keeps my heart at ease.

My head is filled with thoughts of him. Flashbacks of what we used to be. Memories of those nights we've spent. Oh how much Ive been charmed.

I love seeing you in my mind. I love remembering you in my mind. 

A love so pure and untainted.

And why does he love me so?

INFP/INTP in love..

 “Dreaming about being an actress, is more exciting then being one.” - Marilyn Monroe 

“I would look up at the moon and see that it was not the smooth orb we had all believed, but a pitted and scarred world with no air.” ― Christopher Pike, The Last Vampire

Like work, in the beginning, its a wonder, its refreshing, and its fascinating. You get so engaged by it. Absorbing and interacting with much enthusiasm.
But like work, you get disillusioned easily. Disenchant, jaded. Appalled by the reality of how things is actually.
Like beer, it loses it effect after an hour making you craving for more and disappointed by how fast it ends.

You realized that, in life, nothing makes you happy.

facade

Everyone is in a facade that they have a relation with someone. That they are close to him/her. That they know someone. 

We are all under the pretense that we have someone to depend on in times crisis. In times of needs. 

You might have them. But everyone need everyone with a motive. You might have them, but it doesnt mean you truely know them.

In the end, we are all just strangers. Alone in this big world.

i hate myself

It would kill my personality.

And i always had a value, to live life at my truest self. 

What is life if you have to live behind a mask? An unfamiliar mask. A life you lived as a stranger to yourself.

I cant multi task. I cant switch roles as quickly. I cant blend my roles in.

If i continue to do what society expects of me, there would be no Trisha.

Dont i always wished i was somebody else?

I am not meant for this.

Not meant for any of these.

Can someone help me be and feel normal?

One of those days where theres nothing in the future i look forward to.

So what Ryan.

So what money.

So what job.

So what family.

It all meant nothing.

Life #7

Im not a genius.
I did not study well.
I cant play guitar well.
I cant play my keys well.
I cant sing at all.
I dont earn much.
I didnt live a life im proud of.
I didnt live a life true to myself.
I didnt live a life that I could die happily.
I lived a life I'd die just to be out of it.

What can I really do?
I know Im meant for something, but what?

Born in a wrong country, in a wrong family, in a wrong body.
I can blame everything but till this day, i know, its myself to blame.
Im not hardworking enough.
I fear too much.
I think too much, I do too little.
At the end, would I live a life true to myself?

coma

My thoughts of dying is a constant dull aching existence in the back of my mind.
And its becoming more intense each and every passing day. I hate this life.

You see,

part of me, is fighting the urge to think back, to contact.

What joy is maintaining friends, over enemies...
I miss a part of us.

Higher than high... I want it.

I wonder if he is good for me.
My fire burns brighter than anyone else.
My devotion drills deeper than I had ever felt.

Is this the feeling that I had been seeking for?

If it it, then, is these good for me?
What if, loving someone is not better than being loved?

He loved me better than anyone had.
He's sincerity beats anyone that tried.

But, what if, it is better not to love at all?

Love, or be loved?
Be loved, or indifference?

Separate lives or die lonely? (Not much difference there.)

P.S Im happy, but will it last?
P.P.S I can already feel, a little, that hes already getting used to these, while im still dying to feel him.

P.P.P.S Used to be 2 bottles, now, its more than that.

Worth a thought.

And they claimed writing down what you have learnt for the day and your reflections in 400 words every single day would give your brain and IQ a quick boost.

Oh crap its only 30 words.

You know whats depressing?

The only stimulant I have in life is love, sex, drugs, money, rock n roll, food and booze.
Nothing else seems to get me excited at all.
I need to exercise soon before my mood weighs me down.

Fear for a right reason

When love comes around, fear is inevitable.
The art of growing is acceptance.

Self sabotage is no longer a choice although at the very moment it sounds feasible.
Escapism is just a momentary solution to the torturous emotions.

Thats me in a corner. Thats me losing my religion.

The minute I was agitated, I knew I was wrong.

The imagery of my mom.
The scene of the kitchen
She, tearing and hanging the clothes of everyone of us.
How was it fair?
How do people wanna be one of them?
The indignancy.

How does everyone repel these treatments?
How is it that everyone doesnt know that these are the injustice that comes with marriage?
How did my sis decided on marriage?
Where did that kind of courage comes about?

I thought I knew. But I dont.
After tonight, I dont.


The females out there, do not give up.
Never ever give in to them.
The egocentric guys.

Life #6

You can choose to live in denial.
You can still choose to live like the sky will always be blue and where the flowers will always bloom in the fields.
You can choose to live an idealistic live like how you always want it to be.

But truth is, we all have to grow up someday.

And its no fun anymore.

Life #5

Life is like the waves of the sea.
The passer-by of the sea.
At the end of the day, the sea still exist like the waves never been there.
It comes it goes.

Like someone mentioned, we are just the passer-by of life.
Taking up a fraction of the timeline.
After we die, the timeline still goes on, like you never been here.
After a century, who would remember, who would have known that you had ever existed at all..
End of the day, is there really any meaning to all of these?
We are just a tiny fraction of the whole population, tiny fraction of the ever going timeline, the world is too huge.

I want to live with the world than live within a society.

Too dead to die

"This was never my world,

You took the angel away.

I kill to make everybody pay."

After all Ive nurtured,

I still,

hate myself.

I fell in love with the intensity in her music, and her eyes..

Such freedom in expression.
Rather than being tied to the technical limitations of our instruments.
Such freedom..
I want such freedom to express.


"Today im dirty,
And i want to be pretty.
Tomorrow, I know that im just dirt

We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies.
When were dead
They will know just who we are."

Marilyn Manson - The Nobodies

different shades of the same

I used to think love was just a perception.
That it was just a kind of chemistry.
That love was something to do with your
hormones.

I used to think love was an explainable force.
That love was just pure science, an equation, and that you could make love happen by choice if you align all variables.

I used to think love was replaceable.
That it was just a matter of choice.
That you could switch it on and off by command.
That is doesnt matter who your with, the feeling, the cycle, the thoughts that come, will be all the same.
That 1+1=1. And that would be just me.

That there was no such thing as magic.

Would this be different? Or am I just as usual, living in the spur of a moment..

Anti-cholinergic

Looking back, I might not have grown up much at all.
Except by being plagued with more practical worries and realization that the reality doesnt seem as fulfilling and idealistic as it seems. Jaded pretty much more than the past.

The only comforting thought was that, I did managed to get away from my past of an even more disorganized living than the current state. Although right now wasnt to expectations of society, but, still manageable and bearable.

How long can I sustain this? Not really sure.

How long can I go on being like this? Not really sure too.

Funny how I asked myself the same question way back then, years ago.
Looks like im regressing or..., im still wisdom-less.
______________________


P.S. Funny how Anarex and Atarex sounds the same.
Pretty much the same effects and classification too.

Love/hate relationship with Nolstalgia

20 years down the road.
I would still look back and feel the same way.
Like life would be perfect somewhere else, faraway...

The setting of an illuminating orange sun.
Out there where nobody sees you.
Nobody hears you.
Where you could be you.

Only God knows.
Only He sees the truth.
___________________________

I could be as carefree as I want to be.
I could be a million things in my head.
Feeling the breeze on a long winding empty road..

the girl with golden eyes

At first it seems so sweet,
And then you wake up next to a monster.

Buried me with roses..

worthless.

As worthless as life itself.
Meaningless.
We are meant to be sheeps.
Even the shepherd will turn into the sheep he lead one day.

Even the sky is turning to be meant for only sheeps.

I didnt know I was lost

You changed my perspective.
Happy days ahead.
Balancing wasnt an easy issue. It still isnt.
But you made it achievable.
Life would be great ahead.
I think I understand what it means to be alive now..
I think I understand how to stay this way now..

I used to think it was all or nothing.
But I can have it all.

(:

Shangri La

Thank you my bb for making my birthday a 3 day celebration.
Thank you for bringing me to the many places ive never been.
Thank you for the 3 days staycation, for the hotel bigger than my living room.
Thank for the little suprises you still do and the gifts you still gave.
I love you my bb. #rysha

Gratitude

Thank you for all that youve done.
Thank you for all the capacity you have generously shown me.
Thank you for all the promises youve fulfilled.
Thank you for all the security and assurance youve gave me.
Thank you for the courage youve gave me because you know I lack of it.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you for being you.
All of me... I give to you..
Even the darkest part of my heart.
I love you, Ryan Yiap Zhan Hong.

"Everything so blurry and everyone's so fake... you could be my someone, you could be my scene. You know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene.  I wonder what your doing, imagine where you are..  can you take it all away?"

Your the only one thats real to me..

Life #4

So many words unspoken.
So many thoughts scattered.
Is life that meaningless?
You learn, you work, you explore, and then you give rise to the next generation, you teach them the way of life and then, you die.
I cant.
I dont belong here.
And I dont  want  to belong here..

I want you for the rest of my life

Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

The used-to weekly affair

Guess where?

-deine

The thought of it, a sip of it gets my bones aching for it.
As self destructive as ever.


I wish I was materialistic.
Materialistic people have the drive.
What drives me?

What makes me tick?
What makes me feel?
What makes me passionate?
Bound to be apathetic... #intp

The loss of spiritually

Like ants, we are rushing for something to look forward to.. something to do, somewhere to belong to or someone to love.
Something to proof before we die; that we have not lived in vain.

Beauty could not be bought by materials. Its all surrounding us as we breathe..

The leech

It grabs on to you, hangs on to you relentlessly. 

If you tuck at it, you hurt yourself.

You burn it, you kill it off.

Only one will survive.

After the blood has dried off, your skin have withered, it then, stealthily trail off. 

Off to another prey in the sunset..

I miss our memories
I miss the you I used to know
I miss our happy times while you were still you
That careless and free spirited soul just aching for protection
I hated how you became this monster
I hated how things changed
I hated how what I wanted is different from the past

We could never go back
and we could never ever be together

our memories will always be in my heart.

marilinglatenighttalksanslaughterssupperlongwalksexploringexotic
areasyourlaughtersyourjokeyourstupidmalayaccentsyoureyesyourlips
yourtattoosyourarmsandthatsexyvlinehowithoughtyouweresomanly
thatsmell..

What I wanted was already long gone since a year ago.

Goodbye great memories, leave the bitter ones behind.



Ohh baby baby its a wild world..

wanna be nobodies

No matter how you try and try, you could never know a person 100%
Makes me wanna get away. How ironic life is, knowing theres so many close and loved ones around but, loneliness tends to creep in on you.
Life is THAT melancholy, and still is..

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
All the drugs in this world, wont save you from yourself..
-Coma white, Marilyn Manson

大家好聚好散
开开心心的做人。。!