Backmasking.

Backmasking/Backtracking

I read, those sublimal messages actually register in our subconsious mind which motivate the individual to do what they heard. Mmm is it really true?
I found the song which I listen to a few years ago, Jimmy eat world - The middle
The sublimal messages was something like eat Sushi eat sushi. Its amusing. But did I crave for sushi at that point of time? If yes then its true.

Nothing better - The postal service
Deuce.

All is full of love.

And I shall accomodate to you. Thats all this is about, isnt it? =]

Your heart is an empty room.

Cause all you see is where else you could be when your at home.
Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone.

You seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that i am just visiting
And i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving

You are egocentric and so am I. How can we survive?

To be with you - Mr. Big

I will go down with this ship and I wont put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door, Im in love and always will be.

And he said sweetie.

When we get home, I know we wont be home at all
This place we live, it is not where we belong
And I miss who we were in the town that we could call our own
Going back to get away after everything has changed

I miss us.
Are you moving on yet?
Everytime I carry a hope with me, that everytime will piece up like before.
The feeling is different.


You left me something to hold on to. You left me hanging with that very question.

Crash and burn - Savage garden
Bai.
P.S Im sorry, im a sinner.

You dont care, you dont bother to know what went wrong.

Smurf #1: Yo, Smurf, that party last night was freakin', Smurf!
Smurf #2: You bet your smurf it was!
Smurf #1: Hey, I saw you leaving with Smurfette.
Smurf #2: Yeah. Right when we left the party, she started smurfin' me.
Smurf #2: Shut the smurf up! Right in the smurfing parking lot?
Smurf #2: Oh, yeah.
Smurf #1: That's freakin' smurf!
Smurf #2: You betcha.
Smurf #1: Freakin' smurf.

How to do your friendster profile.

Uproarious =] I dont have to emphasize my dislike of 'leet speak'.

-
EDIT: I have ` in front of my friendster name. Im cool.

Abstract thoughts

Well, quite obviously, Ive done the template with some leeching here and there. I dont know if it works on all browser tho.

Kevin said, "because I think you have a good caliber."
Wow and thanks. I didnt believe so.
"why do you keep yourself at home?"
No answer.
"Just so many potential untapped, but somehow, something is between you and you fulfilling your potential."

Mmm, myself is obstructing me from maximizing my potential.
I wish I am without inhibitions.
There was never a final closure within myself. No satisfying closure.
Sometimes even to the state of regression.
The same question I asked myself for the past four months.
"Am I out of the fence yet?" Mmm, not quite.
Sometimes, I feel mirthful, joy and hopeful of life.
But facts on how I depress myself? No idea.
-
Mmm about that issue.
I chose avoidance and isolation. Maybe like what J had told me, people take things for granted. Well its so true.
I rather isolate myself than start any unneccessary issues.
-

Currently on the book,
Malignant self love, narcissism revisited
By Sam Vaknin

Hes a victim of NPD himself. Its rather interesting and intriguing to read the thoughts of a narcissist. He had a usage of highbrow vocab to create an aura of grandiosity.

"I am constantly envious of people. This is my way of interacting with the world. I begrudge others their success, or brilliance, or happiness, or good fortune. I am driven to excesses of paranoia and guilt and fear that subside only after I "act out" or punish myself. It is a vicious cycle in which I am entrapped."

Text extracted from the book.

Someday you will be loved - Death cab for cutie
Laters.

My lovely bookshelf.

AHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHH HHHHHHHH HHHHHH HHHHH HAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHHAH AHAHHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHHA HAHAHHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAH HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAH HAHAHAHHAHAH AHHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHHAH AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHHA HAHAHHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAH AHHAHAH HHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAH AHHAHAHAHHAH AHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHHAH AHAHHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHHAHAHAHH AHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHHAHA HAHHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHHA HAHAHHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHHAH AHAHHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAAHAHA HAHAHAHHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHHA HAHAHHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA HAHAHHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHH

I just saw something, terribly uproarious. My dad, wore my Si Ling sec UNIFORM, to WORK.
So risibly weeeeird.

Yesterday, I felt a 'rush', a pressure, to talk. To keep talking. It was weird. Then, whether it was the works of my mind or i did really heard the sound around me, i really got scared. The feeling was so ominous.

Good good, everything is going smoothly. Well at least my life is. Better than usual. Ah and I dont really wanna look for a job. Its a distraction.
The more I work, the more I spend, the more I spend, the more I wanna earn! That eventually becomes a distraction to my studies. But honestly, its really just a self justifiying excuse to not look for a job. =]

For the numerous time of my life, I am addicted to reading, again.
www.suite101.com

A secret manifesto.

Ciao.
P.S And yes, I am self obsess.

The world is so unpredictable that it is by far better to improvise.

IM BROKE.
Im beaten, totally. Slept like a few hours, and woke up at friggin 9am.
Whole day I was out, and just eaten a half foot of Italian B.M.T for the whole day.
I need a gawd damn job.
I suddenly realised, theres so much things to do!

AND theres a yearly parade, I forgot whats its called. Its actually exciting.
At Cineleisure, GUESS WHO I SAW! Remember the show on channel 8, 7pm? The teacher, Yo yo who wanted to be a star? I saw one of her student, 'Situ Bi'! OUTSIDE CINE! I was like AWWWWWW SO CUTE!

Anyone have an idea where to alter my jeans?

Rum is for drinking not burning - Senses fail
Chaw.
P.S Mmm... sick of you?

I wake up and think dreams arent real,
I sleep so I dont have to feel,
the truth that you can never be
the one person that wont ever forget me.

I hope that dreams come when I die,
So we can talk, I wont wake up,
Ill ask how your life worked out,
Ill never know that Im just dreaming.

Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.
Let me sleep somemore.

Just act.

Text extracted from Matt Levenhagen.

It becomes a terrible cycle. Going from one thing to another... fighting to keep it going. And often, we fall and loose the little motivation we did have and sink into depression or wonder around aimlessly looking for answer that never come.

Sometimes we have to struggle and sacrifice for a long time to get what we want in life. If any one of you have gone to college, you'll know what im talking about... Years of studying long hours and spending money to go to school not knowing what lies after.

We cant really see the light at the end of each tunnel many times. We have to ignore all good things happening around us to focus on something that we cant even touch yet............ and dont know with 100% certainly it will happen.

Am I being a financial burden to my family?

THEODORE ROOSEVELT:
Its not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
-
I bargained with life for a penny,
And life pay no more,
However I begged at evening,
When I counted my scanty store.

For life is just an employer,
He gives what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why, you must bear the task.

I worked foe a menial's hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wages I asked of life,
Life would have willingly paid.
-
PETER MARSHALL:
When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.
-
Actions will provide you with motivation. Its not the other way round.
You dont get motivated to act, you act to get motivated.
Just act.

Oh my life.

Shared folder, 10.8GB, 1,242 files.
+
My music folder, 525MB, 592 files.
+
More songs folder, 3.14GB, 321 files.
+
More more songs folder, 172MB, 50 files.
+
Other folders, 1.22GB, 314 files.
=
15.9GB, 2519 files.

I cant think of the days if one day I'd lost them all. Oh my life.

I love deep thinkings.
I love movies, articles, questions that provoke deep thinking.

Its not the girls around you, the only thing I needed the most is emotional affection.

Im glad these years of 'lazing around', staying at home, had pull my bond closer with my family.
-
If you feel discouraged when theres a lack of color here
Please dont worry lover, its really bursting at the seams
from absorbing everything the spectrum's A to Z.

This is fact not fiction for the first time in years
All the girls in every girlie magazine cant make me feel any less alone,
Im reaching for the phone to call at 7:03 and on your machine,
I slur a plea for you to come home.
But I know its too late, and I should have given you a reason to stay

Passenger seat - Death cab for cutie
Deuce.
P.S I love you. <-- reminds me, P.S I love you - The all american rejects

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the
way things turn out."

How life comes at you today is determined by your past. How you
take it is determined by your present.
-
He said, "the feeling its like we have been together for a very long time."
I told him, "Its just our time, our time to feel love and be love."

But sometimes or somehow, I felt that the feeling is not mutual.

Lux Aeterna - Clint Mansell
Lates.

Humm, Summer overture. Lux Aeterna would be better but Summer overture was played at the emotional climax of the movie. Lux Aeterna, definately more melody.
From the soundtrack of Requiem for a dream.
I recommended it more than once I suppose.

Kthxbai.

Wow the local channel tv programme commercial just played Saosin song, wow thats new. Im suprised.

Woke up at 7am+ today. Mmm wth, previously the night, I couldnt get to sleep. I was too afraid to sleep. I remembered waking up after two hours of sleep in the middle of the night. I woke up and felt terribly afraid. I was so desperate to hear some familiar voices. I keep thinking that someone is after me, wants to kill me. Then I keep hearing footsteps outside the room. For like half and hour, I stayed awake, listening to those footsteps until my sis moved, the footsteps are gone. I AM, still afraid to move nor sleep. Eventually, I began to fear my sis as well.
Finally, I heard my mom outside the room. I was relieved and fall asleep.
Ahh im so exhausted now.

J came early in the morning to tutor me. How sweet =D
Went to watch Norbit. Home.

3rd measurement in C (Acoustic)- Saosin
Bai.
P.S Can I say im addicted to you.

When a person's sense of personal identity is in question, anti-social behaviour or even alienation can result.

And yes again. Who am I? What am I here for? Whats the reason, the life long mission im suppose to complete. What am I strong at? Can I even complete simple tasks? Im always trying to prove myself. What am I proving? Can I even grow up? I stay stagnant. People's growing every stages while I stay stagnant and falls down back. The mentality, instead of growing older, I retrovert.

And of course, the pointless blabberings. Sleepless nights. Ahh sleeping pills, please?

My guardian angel - The red jumpsuit apparatus
Bai.

Fall out boys coming to SG! NOT really a huge fans of them, their songs arent that attractive to me. At least, none of the rifts sounds good to me. Shitty bands should stop coming to SG.

Just realise something. The first initial of Fall Out Boys make another word. FOB. HAHAHA FOBBB wtface? Fresh off board.

Might go for check up and treatment. Mmm its even embarassing to talk about it. Think about approaching.

My family always be my best friend.

San hu hai - Jay chou
Deuce.

Woke up at 10am today. Meet J for shopping. Happily walked out of the MRT station, walked towards Wisma. WHAT! Closed for CNY! Wth is wronnng with SG man. Hari raya? Shop dont close. Deepavali? Shop dont close. Christmas? Business still going. April fool day? Still going. WUSSUP WITH CNY?! What the deuce. Whats so special about this friggin CNY. Its just another holiday. Its just another day. Its just like any other day.

So..... we went to Lido. Ate SUBWAY! Weee. Yup it is healthy and yummeh. Watched Hannibal Rising. Dangmang. The movie didnt came out as what I had expected. Totally off. Its soo disappointing after I finish watching it. I read about the profiling of Hannibal Lecter before watching it. Its really off the cliche.

" Cannibalism is Lecter's signature, but Lecter is not satisfied to simply eat his victims. He must feast on them. The elaborate preparation for a five-star meal of human flesh is as much a part of his fantasy as eating the flesh. The preparation of the still living brain of Paul Krendler, Starling's nemesis, is a recipe worthy of Gourmet magazine."

And yes, when I was watching the movie, I expected Hannibal to feast on them. But nop, only the cheeks are eaten.
I expected a more abstract projection of the movie.

"Mischa's horrible slaughter and consumption by the deserters formed the fantasy that shaped Hannibal Lecter, a revenge fantasy. In his dream, the deserters are crude and uncouth. They're not soldiers but deserters, cowards, ignoble by definition. They take over Lecter's parents' property and relegate the young residents to the barn. Their breath stinks. They butcher a deer as Neanderthals would. They screech like greedy vultures when they see the spilled blood seeping into the snow."

"When he grows up, Lecter targets men he considered petty and uncouth."

Its not even about direct revenge which the movie shown.

The profiling and real life models of Hannibal Lecter. Click.

Before we went into the movie, we sat at MC's listening to his iPod. When I listen to that song by John Legend. I felt kind of bliss. My eyes teared a lil.
I wanted that moment to freeze. Can we sit forever.
Ahh, another unforgettable song. Memory registered.

Marching bands of manhattan - Death cab for cutie
Chaw.
P.S Time to start my infinite timetable of the year. zzz.

I find the whole convo truely amusing. Its just me, trying to find enterainment as im seriously bored as hell.

Mom: Why are you still lazing around? Dont until last min, N level reached and you havent even prepared for it.
Erns: Huh? N level? I thought you take O level.
Trish: Noo I take N level first to have a cert at least.
Erns: Ooo. Actually N level you dont have to study want.
Trish: Ehh dont like that say. If I have that mindset then I wont even least bother to study. Look mom, shes influencing me. Shes making me laze around even more. Mommy please scold her please.
Mom: What if you till 50 years old still like that?
Trish: Nvm nvm its okay. Jie jie will take me in.
Erns: No? No i will not. I only help people who help themself.
Trish: Okay nvm. Mummy give me all your CPF okay?
Mom: My CPF will be in your CPF account.
Trish: Whaaaat man, ehhh mommy dont like that. Gimme your CPF in cash okay?
Mom: Ohh that means you want me to die early isit?
Trish: No no I mean in future. CPF untill 55 then can take out. I dont think I can live til 55.
Erns: I want to live until 75+. With my children and stuffs.
Trish: I want to die young. I want to die a glorious death and an unforgettable one.
Mom: Go die for the nation. *Laughs*
Mom: You know how people wont forget your death? Advertise on the papers to donate every single one of your organs when you die.
Trish: NO!
Trish: Nevermind. Cannnn. Takkeeee take. Take la takee take all my organs. Its okay. Just take. TAKE ALL YOU WANT.
Trish: Nooop. No way. I wont donate my organs not because of religious reasons. Its just because im plain selfish. Im just pure selfish. *Smirks*
*Mom trying not to laugh*
*Erns frowns and try to concentrate at her work.*
Mom: How is your life now is how your life gonna be in the afterlife.
Trish: What nonsense. I dont believe in afterlife. Its all rubbish.
Mom: Okay if you dont believe. You will regret when you die and you cant change it.
Trish: Its allll a FRUAD. Its all a fraud. Its fake. Its a myth its not even real. It is made -interrupted-
Erns: I cannot concentrate.
Trish: Err okay sorry. Just entertaining myself.
Trish: Mommy, I find this conversation really amusing.
*Mom smiles trying not to laugh again*
Mom: So distracting, I cant study.
Trish: Are you saying that IM distracting? How could you Ma? How could you say that? HURTZ! I cant believe you said im distracting.
Mom: You know it.
Erns: Can shut up.
*Trish walks to the com, opens blogger*
Erns: Stop finding stuffs to blog on.
Trish: Errr actually I am blogging it. *Nyahaha*

Woke up 8am in the morning. Dang I felt I slept too much this few days. Greeted everyone a Happee CNY. At around 10am+, my mom DEMAND for a wishing and oranges. HAHA. I took the oranges greeted my dad, "Gong xi fa cai, shen di jian kang.. errrrrr............. duo duo jien." LOL I dunno the idioms for it so I said it my way. I took one more red packet from them anyway.

Luck of the year
Studies, good.
Work, good.
Love, good.
Health, bad.

Ooo whats that suppose to mean. Maybe like I said to YT, I got cancer. Teehee ;P'
I dont believe in it tho. It just registerd a kind of motivational force the moment its said. Makes me wanna put in more effort into my studies.

How I wish I can see my Dad in suit! He be irresisable LOL! Maybe when my sis is getting married. O thats long.
Or attending a funeral? People wears suit too. Mmm. Touch wood, da ji da li.

Title and registration - Death cab for cutie
Chaw.

Friday,16.02.2007
Yay happee! J meeting me. Woke up late. Reached CWP at 10.15am. Eat. Movie. Protege. Its scary how that lady died. Mmm for a movie of how drug ruin people, A requim for a dream is a better film. ;] Requim for a dream, strongly recommended for download! I have briefly short review about it on the earlier post.
J came my house after the movie. Haha funny stuffs.
J:My wrist is even skinnier than Trish's!
Erns:Then why heavy... Big bone? Nop. Big head..............BIG MOUTH!
Trish,Erns: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
J:Idiot........
Lazed around at the void deck till 7+.
"Humpty dumpty sat on the wall"

Saturday, 18.02.2007
Woke up last. Everyone is waiting for me. Showered.
Sat at the couch.
Dad walked out.
Trish: WOW First time I ever saw you wear a polo tee! SO HANDSOMEEEEEE!
Mommy: Ahaha! You just made his day.
*Looks at Dad* He WAS SMILING TO HIMSELF.
My dad is buff and secksi <3

The whooole day at JB today. 90% of the time, I was spacing out. Sat at the couch, listen to my mp3, stoned.

Went to Skudai parade. First impression, "Whhhaaaat man... we can actually smoke inside the mall?"
Second impression. I felt like we have just walked into, "The mall of CK department store, or 'seng shiong'"
"Can we just get out of here?"
My sis and I felt like the queeen LOL. Seriously, ALL EYES ON US! The guys were all checking us out. The girls, are all looking at my heel. HAHA. I even spotted one, pointing at my heel and said to her friend, "nee kann! hen mei!(Loook very niceee her heels)" I looked at her, she smiled at me with envious. Whhhaaatt man.
"I am god worship me."

Ahhh, a waste of time.
Didnt like my cousin.

Love seat - The red jumpsuit apparatus
Lates.

Keep yourself busy, then, you got no time for depression.
So so true.

Been doing random blog reading on some old friends... Where did you get your strength from?

Hold on little girl
Show me what he's doone to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

Am so happy. Today's a good day. First my granny, second YT's not mad anymore. Third, I found my errors in that 20 questions I got wrong. So its not my bad. ITS THE CALCULATOR'S FAULT NOT MINE! I GOT IT RIGHT HMHP.

November rain - Gun N Roses
Lates.
P.S Err wth, Nick is copying every nick i had on my msn. Same habit never dies.

I LOVE MY GRANNY MUCHOOOOOSSSSSSSSSS! <333333333~

You can make my life worthwhile, I can make you start to smile.

Pictures at the end of the post.

Song dedicated back to you and to the memories.

I wish everyone a Happee Valentine's Day.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY JUSTINa!
Im real glad to have met you. You brighten my life once again! ;D
Sigh, what a lonely valentine *Grumbles*

Went to change my passport photo today. Stupid friggin photo needs to have my hair to be tidy. Looking so geeky and PLUS the lights are sooo bright and my photos turns out to be soooo pale. I look like a dead person sitting. Plus plus, I dunno if I should smile or not HAHA. So I gave a uhh weird-looking non-smile smile.
Ahh I lost the spare photos or I would have scan it and given everyone a laugh at it.

And, I BOUGHT ANOTHER HEELS! <333 Heels. I feel like buying another one o_o But nah, dont wanna get a scolding. *dun dun dun*

I came across a funny quote.
Valentines day = Single awareness day. HAHA.

Im not used to the happy template still.

I think the Grammy awards 2007 telecast in Singapore had been cut? Or either, I missed the part. I read the site. OMGWTFBBQZORS DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE WAS THERE TOO! The killers and The fray. WHAT?! I didnt even see them perform or nominated for award.

Best Pop Duo or Group With Vocal

The Black Eyed Peas - "My Humps"
Death Cab for Cutie - "I Will Follow You Into the Dark"
The Fray - "Over My Head (Cable Car)" I DIDNT SEE THEM.
Keane - "Is It Any Wonder?"
The Pussycat Dolls - "Stickwitu"

Best Rock Duo or Group With Vocal

Coldplay - "Talk"
The Fray - "How to Save a Life" DIDNT SEE!
The Raconteurs - "Steady As She Goes"
Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Dani California"
U2 & Green Day - "The Saints Are Coming"

Best Hard Rock

Buckcherry - "Crazy Bitch"
Nine Inch Nails - "Every Day Is Exactly the Same"
System of a Down - "Lonely Day" AHHH THEY WERE THERE TOO?!?! DIDNT SEEE EITHER! EFFFF.
Tool - "Vicarious"
Wolfmother - "Woman"

Best Rock Song

Snow Patrol - "Chasing Cars"
Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Dani California"
Neil Young - "Lookin' for a Leader"
Bob Dylan - "Someday Baby"
The Killers - "When You Were Young" NOO DIDNT SEEE! I WANNA SEE THEM PERFORMING LIVE. *Cries*

Its either, I missed it or they cut it. Hmhp.
Cant believe Death Cab For Cutie is going mainstream. Its not even Indie anymore. Still love them tho.

My sis's BF delivered the cake! To the house! I ate more than half of it HAHA.



I would love it better if its whiter =P NEXT YEAR I WANT TULIPS!









ERRRRRRRR HAHA. Nothing just something random. Love her! So cuuute <33333

HAPPEE BIRTHDAY JUSTIN! <3~

Yayeeee! Flowers flowers flowers~

Monday morning hesitate,
cant get out of bed.
I'd rather go back to the dreams,
living in my head.

Tuesday evening packed my bags,
and headed out the door.
I left a box of memories,
lying on the floor.

Running from the city lights
Running from this empty life
I'm running out of time tonight
I'm screaming out for help
But no one heard me yelled.

Ah the long last change of template. Fucking years.
Mmm weird no one uses this template. Its nice ._.

Its either I sleep too much or sleep too little. Whaaaat man. I havent been studying this few days. Slacking, so tempting.
Iono... I dont understand why, he doubted my seriousness to the relationship.

Gigi D'agostino - I will fly with you 2007(Solex vs Jotty booty RMX)
Lates.
P.S Im loving the template.

I wish you were here to be my atmosphere.

Ah, so much thoughts in my head, couldnt get to sleep.
I guess this is the best time of her life. The glory the happiness the full satisfication, oh the joy! The happiest moment of her life.
The 5 years of endurance, hard works, persistance. Just for the moment. Just for this moment. It is all worth it.
YT, time to rejoice! I feel glad for you despite of the dispute we had.

This is something which i should be looking forward to. I dont wanna live my life aimlessly. I should be finding motivation within myself and not getting motivation from others. E.G "Pa, what do I get if I get good results?" Instead, I look forward to what I should improve each day. I will pull thru the days.
And no more emo shits from me.
Oh the life, emo days are over.

Imma start a timetable weekly. At least that helps me now.
Ahh this song makes me happy. -2005 memory.

Soul meets body - Death cab for cutie
Lates.
P.S REJOICE! "It is all worth it."

AHHHHHHHHHH SO HAPPY! Sher told me where to find BAND TEES! Been looking for band tees since years! WEEEEEEE!
Nyah gonna go find the shop tomorrow. Maybe I will like EVERYTHING from the shop. She says its like HOTTOPIC which is my fav shop =]
Today, went shopping the whole day, didnt see anything I like even the slightest. But shoes, i wanted the whole shop. LOL.

Congrats YT for her amazing results. Didnt dare to ask her so I asked PY. The results of her hard work and effort.
I hope I can be like her. Ahh long way for me.
Diet starts. All the pigging out, NONE!

Marc korn - summer of love [mysterio radio cut]
Ciao.
P.S J CHEATED ME MY-EEEEEE CHEESECAKE! Hmhp.

AHH am so happy. I spend two hours looking for that one trance FM. Its been my fav FM since few years ago. I USED to enjoy trance. Ha, my taste keep changing. Rock's still my all-time tho. I guess trance goes well with my studies.
I was checking all msn buddy, and peoples I knew from that FM. Checking if they or I did mention the FM name. x_x Finally found it!
Love spanish trance <3 Or was it france. W.e

Enigma - Gladiator Theme(Trance mix)
Lates.
P.S Its weird to type some trance music here in an emo blog. o.o

Maybe its meant to be forgetten.
Maybe one day i will find it accidentely, left forgetten in the corner.

AHH FUCCCCCKKKKK!
I lost the letter he gave me. The only thing he left for me. I LOST IT! FUCK MAN. I think my mom throw it away. THERE ARE PICTURES IN THERE TOO *CRIES*

My mom just said to me this three words, "敗家子! ; bai jia zi" a moment ago. I felt sad and deeply hurt by her words.

Out of 21 question, I got 1 right. How horrible is that. I still couldnt understand why, I even use the calculator, could it be the book's mistake? Couldnt be. No reason 20 questions wrong totally. What a waste of my time. Felt so demotivated to start doing maths questions again.

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know Ill be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
Its okay its okay its okay.

敗; bai; be defeated; lose; fail
家; jia; family
子; zi; son; child
敗家子; bai jia zi; prodigal; wastrel; spendthrift; idler

Get the point?

Your guardian angel - The red jumpsuit apparatus
Lates.

*Sigh* This is sad. Im just not good enough for you.

You know Ill never change
I wont be good enough for you.
I know, youll make it through,
Ill never be around to see.

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head theres a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where theyre far more suited than here

I do believe its true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause youre the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

-2005 memories.

Wtf he thinking? Cant understand him man. Wth he treat me as.
Dang mang, gotta study.

Kung wala ka - Hale
Bai.

Why is it am I always the one who chose to stay?
Why is it Im always the one who trys to make things right?
Im always the one who reminise. They chose to forget.
Im always the one who says i miss you. They chose to ignore.
And the one who crawls in gore would always be me.
Can I choose not to care this time?
I stay stagnant.

Its a long wait,
for an answer.
Is there any news?
Is there any word?
Is there trauma?
Or a struggle.
Am I missing?
Was the body found?

Is there anything,
worth looking for,
worth loving for,
worth lying for?

Is there anything,
worth waiting for,
worth living for,
worth dying for?

Am I out of the fence yet? Nop.
When...?

LOL AHHH damn homie. Now im stuck and obsess with finding my names on googles. LOL IM SELF OBSESS!

Love the music from the commercial, True colours - Dove commercial.
<3 her voice.
Back to teevee.
Bai.

First thing first. I WOKE UP ACCORDINGLY WITHOUT ALARM! Suprising. I remember I had a dream. Its weird you know. I dream about Lan and he saying,....... humm nvm. With the song by Escape the Fate playing in the background. I end up waking up, humming the song.
Secondly, I FOUND YAYA'S BLOG NYAHAHAHA! Smarty ass. =D Actually, kuants found it. That damn stalker.

I realised I dwell too much of the past and leads to my negligence of the present.
Its irony when I read about people's past on their blog. The uninterrupted clicking of archives, makes me wonder how they spend this month. Why time flies for them but not for me? Its like a fast forward on their life. I wish I could click continuously on my life.

Its funny how people says, optimistic is a good attribute. Facts on how this optimistic-head ruins me.

The world at large - Modest mouse
Bai again.
P.S Im suppose to study. How did I evur end up here?
P.P.S I should start clicking on my life. Move forward girl.

Not good enough for cliche.

I will always remember the chill of November, the news of the fall, the sounds in the hall.

A need to treasure and cherish every single one without conflicts. I find it so hard to keep everyone happy. I am terribly sorry.
I dont want my past to recur. I find it a must to treasure him as well as the others.

I shouldnt let my mood affect someone else as well. Thats selfishly mean. As my mom says, she always trys to control whenever she talks to my granny. To whom it may be, I always try.

I want to make things better in my life. I want to.
Aight.. back to my studies.

Miligram smile - From autumn to ashes
Lates.

When a person's sense of personal identity is in question, anti-social behaviour or even alienation can result.

War and beauty ending theme lyric.

砒霜(合唱版)

林:万物中你我一息间错摸
种因结果然后万劫不复
黎:明明灭灭目光交错苦海点猛火
是你闪身路过竟勾引着我

林:为你牺牲已注定似身染绝症
黎:尝尽你的砒霜要我命
连累我眼睛挂念有声

林:轮回在生生死死感情才尽兴
可笑爱情为殉情
合:大半生沦落至此不过为证明
短促泡沫泡影

林:朝花晚拾仍然能尽兴
早已注定难安定
合:遗憾最终证实时间
汹涌能磨灭风景
但最舍不得的是这份情
若永不可超生亦也为情

林:问是否有个贪花可结果
爱少怨多黄梁梦惹的祸
黎:寻寻觅觅电光闪过空得到痛楚
万法心经念破甘于去犯错

林:用你砒霜救我命我不怕任性
黎:情愿至死心境至冷静
忘掉了眼睛我就看清

Read YT's blog. She talked about death.
Well. How would I die? How would I rather die?

This, I had said before somewhere in my blog.
I wanna lead a glorious life and die young. ;]
Die from the intoxication of alcohol.
Die happily without regrets.
Die leaving everything behind, knowing no one will weep and mourn for me, so I can go peacefully.
Die in a way, painful or painless, that everyone wouldnt forget.
But thats impossible.
I could die knowing i didnt had a great life.
I could die regretting on the things ive done or didnt try to attempt.
I could die thinking my life is a waste.
I could die without anyone by me.

Whats the aftermath?...

War and beauty theme - Lam bou yi
P.S Look after you.

I need the strength you used to gave me.
Wheres my drive?

Kung wala ka - Hale

Half awake from a dream, we know of this coldness
What is love, nothing but something filled with wailing wind and weeping rain
Bleeding, scarlet vision, although I have to make more turns around the bends
Waking up the next day, still feeling intoxicated.

As expected there can only be one ending, theres no joy in the least
Even though you shout and cry in pain, and being pulled away, its just right
Why is it that even till Im burning in this fierce fire, I still dont mind going through it with you?
Tell me, that when I wake up from this life, Ill be intoxicated again.
Asking Heaven, how many happy ones are there?

I tremble, are your lips warm or cold?
Sinking, sinking into the pillow side in the dark
I know its wrong, but i havent the strength to reverse the wrongs, let love decide this moment
Logic cant decide sadness or happiness, tears or smiles, being together and being apart.

Well, I feel helpess, and so, I pray for strength.
I need all the strength that I need.

I feel so demotivated in the house. Rather than encouraging parents, they demoralize me. Its not suprising as I disappoint them not only once.

When im 60, will I ask myself this same question,"My sisters' lifes great, what about mine?" ?

My life is a huge joke.

I actually wanted to say, thanks for believing in me. But no. Fucking no. Your just like every MF people who look down on me. Who didnt think I could do it. Yes I AM hopeless. Hate me. Thanks mom and dad. Thanks for beliving that im hopeless. You too. Yes im a loser. And yes too, you didnt know I was prone to Depression. Oh the facade of smiles. Going back to start my epileptic shit anytime in solitary. WOW its so easy live life like a normal person? DONT YOU EXPECT THIS MAN. I HATE EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF ME AND EVERY MINUTE ON EARTH. What? Will I even give a shit about this. I couldnt care less. Made it sound so nice. Thanks. You made everything sound so nice. Thought you were the one giving me support. No, you made me feel like crap. Like shit, useless piece of deformed human, living on this friggin facist shithole. Meaningless. Pointless. Being pushed around, for all I care. The clerk, the teacher. Fuck yall. My emotional bomb. Thanks. For triggering it. Fuck CNY too. And yes, i am hurt. Hurt me a great deal.

Im just tripping. Fuckit. Dont bitch at me. This is my blog. Dont like it? Click the fucking cross.

Forever and a day - Silverstein
Myownsuicidalescape.
Peace nigger.

Clicky here, look and READ.
No one will forget the evil seed.
Its dissatisfying. Of how crimelibrary dont update much. The last time I read, when I was 15, now im 18, still the same articles I see.

Still, my favourite article was the one on Kipland Kinkel. Its amazing how I still remember his name tho I had forgotten many parts of my life.
The voices in his head, his journal, the last note, the massacre.
Made me search on more info about him. I even found an audio clip of his trial.
I believe I had post many articles of him on my way past previous posts.
Kipland Kinkel's story.

The book ive been wanting since 15. NYAH. Saw it in the bookstore in Citylink I suppose.

I love reading on my favourite crying past.

"Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that their gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!"
Still true.

"If im at my deathbed, will I regret on the things ive done, or the things I didnt do?"

-

Sometimes I wonder if im doing the right thing. As what Alphy said, Im fickle-minded. If I dont make up my mind, I wont settle down and get it done.
But what if ive gone thru life the way everyone wanted, will I be satisfied? Alphy told me, hes been here in this world for 33? years, he still dont know what hes doing.
Im a let-down. Hopeless seems to describe me better.
If I had a choice, if only, I would rather not to be brought to the world. Why mom? Why let me suffer here? Why let me do these life-long meaningless decisions of wrong choices. Ahh the life. Im enjoying every minute of my apocalypse.

Alesana - Apology
I'lllosemyselfinanguishfortonight.
P.S I need prozac.

Gees, just listened to the FM from Alphy's car, heard the song from hellogoodbye playing with the DJ saying,"the new song from hellogoodybye" I was uhhh i grown out of it few months back.

Im loving the 10 o clock show.