Moved on

http://recreatingreality.tumblr.com/

Transient

Rockfest'11, 8th July

It's been a year since i was up there with my band (okay, just a temporary band; i ain't that good to have a full-fledged one), playing the wistful tunes of Yellow and Never Say Never. Having limited background in music myself, we didn't have much of an intention nor yearning to play on stage for Rockfest, but after much contemplation decided on giving the auditions a swing.

Despite getting through the auditions (much to our pleasant surprise), there were many times during the rehearsals with the other bands that i felt a little out of place. We were an acoustic band in a rock concert. Speaks for itself.

Of course, going through with it ultimately was worth every ounce of effort when we had the night of our lives on the night of Rockfest. Our friends, with their endearing support, were cheering madly for us, and the audience sang along beautifully. It's hard to put in words how heartwarming this sight was at that point of time. While coping with the nervousness and trying not to screw my lyrics up as i went along, i just felt thankful that everyone, including ourselves, was enjoying that few minutes together. Didn't matter whether we messed it up a little or not. It was a shared joy.



Now, a year later, aside from the little warm feeling i get when reminiscing, another thing has been on my mind - a face that i saw in the crowd that night. It was only until recently that i remember seeing it. It's something like looking at an old photograph after a long time and noticing an important something in it that you barely paid attention to before.

I wonder though, whether the person remembers this or at least had this as a passing thought before. Or whether this might be the tiniest detail of an intricate plot that has yet to unfold in reality.

But i guess sometimes, it could be just be our own wishful thinking.

Didn't, couldn't

HTA compound feels especially empty tonight. Our seniors and the majority of the NS squads just graduated this evening, and that leaves us junior OCTs pretty much the few remaining groups of people left in the compound. Perhaps a greater sense of solitude promotes more thinking and reflection - a forlorn one at that. Seeing our seniors dawn their long awaited Inspector ranks and culminate their graduation with a grand dinner with their family and loved ones as guests makes you feel a little left behind. No doubt we'll be in the exact same position as them 6 months down the road (it has been almost two months since the Police force pulled us over from the Army to be Officer cadets), I can't help but feel a tad of loneliness. Loneliness comes with NS; at least that's how i feel. Your family gets to see you for only 2/7 of the time. You tend to detract, surely by at least some extent, from society and the world. And then there's people that are always on your mind.

Straight ahead, i see friends move on with their lives. Understandably, friends come and go. More often that not, you don't maintain a constant connection with every good friend except for a select few after a phase in life has passed, even if you shared good times with them back then. Look back, and i see other friends that have yet to overcome the 'A's, and having gone through an extremely winding and unlikely journey of overcoming the 'A's against odds, i feel a certain obligation to illuminate the uncertain path for them, even if it's just by a bit, albeit at the cost of the already deprived personal time i have, with no intention other than easing their journey so that they needn't go through the same extent of pain and risk that i did.

Oddly enough, this sense of obligation extends to a few other strangers as well. I have no delusion about being a panacea for tackling the 'A's, but there's someone whom i came to learn about and whose situation i can especially relate to. Don't ask me how i know without knowing the person; I guess it takes one to know one. Or maybe it's because that i have always been more thankful than proud off my results; and being thankful amplifies empathy. Would you feel good knowing that you could have changed someone's life for the better but leave the person fighting a possibly losing battle for himself/herself?

While i type this in front of my desk in my bunk in the middle of the night while the rest of HTA is asleep, what eats at me is the feeling of helplessness and being stagnant. Being restricted by NS is not as bad as being restricted by circumstance, and that's what it is now. I don't think i can ever feel good should things take a turn for the worse at the end of 'A's this year, even if it doesn't concern by well being.

"What if i had stepped in and lent a helping hand?"

But i didn't. Or couldn't. It won't matter then.

NS

NS caught up. I still have things on my mind though. But i guess i'll have to make do with it.

Feels like sjab in Zhonghua all over again.

And at this time the new J1s would be having their orientation. Brings back memories.


Met up with a few friends a few days before Tekong.



Alright, off to Tekong. A brand new start. I hope everything goes well. I wonder how these two years will be like.

TTSH

My Dad has been on crutches for the past one month or so after we came back from Sarawak where he took a fall and had a minor closed fracture above the ankle. Occasionally he has to go to TTSH for a checkup and i have accompanied him there for three times now since i'm currently the only one who needs not work or go to school

Every time i'm there i can't help but notice the old, fragile folks on wheelchairs or trolley beds. Some look really lethargic, while some look tired and empty. I reckon not all every one looks like that but these were the ones i noticed during my short time there.

A little part of me wished that i could rid them of whatever illnesses or bodily degradation they are experiencing, and another never wants to see my family or myself in that state.

But it's inevitable i guess. Hopefully we'll transit into old age with a peachy health such that there's a ton of problems less to worry about.

The beginning of something is always the most beautiful part

- SR Orientation'11

SR would just have had their CNY celebration, albeit without any J1s this year.

I miss the feeling of January when i was still in JC 2. Upon returning to the college after the December holidays and Lijiang and for the first few weeks of JC 2, there was this lingering sense of beginning and tranquility in the air. The feeling of having things to look forward to in a homely place like SR, despite the frustrations and problems.

Being involved in Orientation as an OGL last year best elicits this feeling. Seeing these Olevel students

• Opening their eyes to a whole new environment / taking their first step into a life changing phase. You were in their shoes just a year ago.
• Sheepishly smiling at thier soon to be classmates, wondering how they and their CG would be like / Diligently listening to the explainations of the college compound and SR's system by the OGL despite not understanding half the things that was mentioned
• Queuing up at the gallery to buy their new uniforms, fitting into the new system / donning SR's blue polo-tee (seriously, no other JC allows you to wear a polo-tee 4/5 of the time) and having this very vague idea of Alevels awaiting at the end of the tunnel, but feeling like it's too far away to be of concern now

The beginning of something is always the most beautiful part.

Red pill and blue pill / Goodbye 2011

At sometime in life you'll meet a forked road, and after chosing one, you'll occasionally wonder how your life would have been different should you have taken the other.


Heh, i don't really know where to start. I guess that's what always happens whenever i look back on the past year. JC life in SR binded 2010 & 2011 together as a phase of growth, good times and sorrow altogether. I'd daresay these two years are one of the most significant years of my life thus far, changing me and my life to a pretty large extent. But as i stand minutes away from 2012, a resounding question rings - where do we go from here?

Boomerang

Such a nice thought. If only eh?

那些年，我们一起追的女孩 (YOU ARE THE APPLE OF MY EYE)

I'm not a big fan of love/romance films. Not that i don't or won't watch them though. It's just that i don't usually watch them and have watched very few.

Based on hearsay, the movie's really nice. I didn't have any real intention to watch but since Sis wanted to, we ended up watching last week. Had to sneak her in though. NC16's a bitch.


And i didn't regret watching at all. It's the best movie i watched this entire year (not that i watched enough movies to make a proper comparison) and probably one of my favourites. Didn't think it would turn out to be so :)

I'd attribute my liking for this movie to the humble acting, sincere directing of the film, and the theme song. Really brilliant.

But i guess the biggest factor was that this movie makes you wonder. All the mistakes i made, the turns i took. The individual decisions made, should they have been different, could have steered my entire life in another direction. This picture best exemplifies this - what he should have done :/


Sometimes you wonder if things could have turned out differently. Preferably for the better.

Nothing

Updating this place, or rather, penning down my thoughts was one of the first few things i thought i would do once A's are over.

A levels exams are long gone (i hope). The last stretch was the worst, not physically but emotionally. So much so that after it's over and done with i don't even feel that ecstatic.

Shitloads of things have been on my mind in this time after A's. I've saved them as drafts and will touch up a little before posting.

I guess this is the period where i just don't know what or how to feel. Neither happy nor sad. Just somewhere in between.


Off to Hongkong in a few hours. Time to get out of this darned place for awhile and rest my head.

Sixteen

Man.. who would have thought that i'd meet you today, RIGHT AFTER last night when i was thinking about things between us two years back.

Sorry, didn't mean for it to be awkward. I wanted to talk to you, but i didn't want to bother you either.

I'm a fucking loser.

When You Say Nothing At All

All of us

You see. Be it Obama, Osama, the assholes along the street, Popes, your parents,

You, me...

We were all once like that. Perhaps not as joyful, perhaps a little quieter, but still, were innocent, happy little souls that were (most of the time) feeling what we grownups subconsciously yearn for while going through the tiresome routine of our daily lives.

Happy.

Simple. Perfect moment.

Now fast forward back to the present. Whatever happened?

Age? Perhaps.

I'd say we simply entered reality. Reality is a bitter place.

Prelude for next year

Though not meant to be portrayed as such, this picture seems to reflect the sense of detachment I'm currently going through.

Odac is killing me. Workload piles up because of the ridiculous extent of the responsibilities and tasks i have to shoulder, which then results in a vicious cycle of lagging behind. Been trying to keep my head above the water for the past couple of weeks. And fact that Common Tests are in 3 days time aren't helping.

Also, the sense of detachment from hope. Just witnessed 2010 J2s receive their results today. It was like a prelude. What if i end up not making it, despite trying my best to hold things together amidst managing with the unfair load i carry?

Kinda sad when you're put to an underserved disadvantage isn't it.

from Tumblr

Another battle begins

I was just thinking of a year ago when i stood by the window waiting for 2010 to begin. Back then i just made through a harsh two years and seeing it finally end, brought a sense of new and a sense of hope.

After just having witnessed yet another round of unsynchronised countdowns, i briefly reflect on several milestones of 2010.

1S01 & 4H2
Within weeks of joining the class, i started to dislike the class as the people here are just not the type i see myself becoming good friends with. And although i'm the type that is more inclined to being a loner, i had my own clique of four - Justin Hongwei and Jinxiang who transferred in after awhile. Guess we did have our fair share of fun in the first semester, when us freshmen have not received the full blow of JC stress.

Ultimately, our class got closer towards the last term and i realised that the class got better. Weilip, Koonhan, James, Gabriel etc. A bunch of weirdos. But the final stretch of PW was enjoyable with these guys. (albeit the numerous times i was pissed at my group, namely Jienhsiu, for having poor work ethic)

Most importantly, 1S01 allowed me to meet Justin, Abby and Hongwei. I've came to acknowledged them and other people like Geraldine, Dickson, Cherpeng and Alcina (although i don't talk to Cherpeng and Alcina that often now due to different lifestyles) as people i'll remember for life; people that i actually consider real friends. As these people probably know, i grew up being very cynical about the whole meaning of friends due to how society is now, but i've learnt to be more accepting. In life, you just need a small radius of friends like these to be happy, compared to hundreds of Facebook friends.


ODAC
Although choosing a 4H2 combination was definitely not the smartest choice, it would have been more managable if i had been more insightful and vocal about my disapproval of me taking over ODAC's president post. We all didn't know what we were signing up for when we decided to join ODAC - the seniors didn't convey the idea to us.

My life in ODAC thus far has been largely a huge pain in the ass. I deduced that my leadership post is the SHITTIEST among all the presidents/captains of SR CCAs, if not one of the shittiest. Recounting/explaining the cons of it just shames me so i shall skip that.

On the flipside however, i met wonderful people who have supported me and made my life here less horrible and i'm really grateful for them. There is nothing worse than being a CCA leader that has no friends in the CCA. Just imagine it. It'll be hell.


SRJC
Apparently a taboo choice for Zhonghuarians. I was initially one of those hell-bent on getting my ass appealed out the college. But after accepting fate, fate carves roads for you. Some smooth and meaningful, some just fucks you up. It's a matter of focusing on those that are good.

SRGCE's a quintessential example. Just as how Japan Exchange program in 2008 woke me up from darkness, SRGCE Lijiang shed light on the meaning of life and i came back with a healthier mental state and probably had slightly more inner peace. Hope it lasts me long enough to get through the next few years though.


Lastly, life got better this year, despite some fucked up things and people. I won't talk about the kind of darkness i used to live in and how bleak my mental state used to be now. But i'll just end off being thankful that i've stepped out of most of it.



I used the word "most". Because no one can ever completely step out of darkness.


Happy new year.

Cheers
Ruihan

Learnt

Lijiang.
When i was there, i told myself to do a recount of the entire trip when i get back. You know, for memories sake. Till now i haven't. Same thing as when i returned from Zhonghua's school trip two years back.

Maybe deep down i know that these trips hold a subtle but strong meaning that words can only describe so much.

And especially a kind of knowing that i can only see the peace, love and happiness this world can offer when i'm on trips like these, but never when i'm living life like i am.

The next turn

When you think of GCE a few months back, you'll probably not think of it for more than a few seconds since it was so far away then.

Now GCE Lijiang is gonna start in a few hours.


Felt a little tinge of sadness when i was clearing the memory cards i used for Japan Exchange Program two years ago so that i can use them for Lijiang. Using the same luggage too.

It's times like these when you re-realise how much time has passed and how much things have changed.


Events like these - turning points in life

The storm after the calm

Haha, haven't been posting here for a long time. Not that i don't want to, but it's kinda hard thinking of what to say and stuff.

Recent happenings:
Promotional results day
Human race
Commendation day
Chinese A levels
Hay Dairies
Oral Presentation


And just like that, we are already past mid November. Time passes too quickly this year. As quickly as we're losing our youth. Everyone has to grow old. But what if you grow old without living when you're young?

I don't seek teenage years that are extremely eventful or fun filled. But i'm not comfortable with how our lives passes day by day without much significance too.

I'm still here.

Past two days were like emotions on roller coasters. I'll post about it tomorrow.

***

It's the 24th October.

Yeah it's been two weeks since i said that. But i guess somethings are just not meant to be said or explained in full.

Sometimes i wonder, would life be easier if others don't constantly intrude in, mess things up, and leave without even feeling sorry?

You're beginning to cross the line, friend

It's a day before Promos kick off with GP and Chinese ._.

Anyway, JC1 comes down to this (putting aside PW and Chinese) and I hope I can promote. It's like, I know I don't deserve to promote with astounding ease but I don't think I deserve to retain either. I'm kinda stuck inbetween.

Well, best of luck to everyone! Hope everyone can cross this hurdle.

Will post about recent stuff after this cursed thing is over.

Oh yeah, something Justin and I chanced along a few days ago :) thankfully I had my camera with me.

He sleeps with a frown

Been really busy recently. It's either being bogged down by school work that i'm trying (but constantly failing to catch up with) or by CCA stuffs. Shitloads of them.

And how am i supposed to catch up fast when fatigue creeps up all the time. It's like a goddamn vicious cycle y'know.


Guess i'll have to write about recent things another time instead.

In the meantime, i'll be trying not to break from the bend.

Don't turn away

I think that things are always beautiful at the beginning.


Maybe if we take a moment or two to remember and think about how things were when they first started off..


Maybe we'll find that things at present could be just as heart-warming as before.

And I'll be so alone without you, maybe you'll be lonesome too

Just came back from Malacca awhile ago.


Jason Wade's version of You Belong To Me; I must have listened to it at least 10 times in a row already.

Sighing at the thought of Campaspire tomorrow.

Feet in sand

Husky.


Will be leaving for Malacca in a few hours time. Gonna take some time to clear my mind. Too many worries on hand.

The Green Mile

Picked out this movie to watch while i was rotting my ass off at home. Kind of an old movie, but one of the best. Do watch it when you've the time, maybe it'll strike a chord or two in you too. Pretty touching.

By the way, dude on the right's HUGE. Like mad huge.

and there was this mouse :3

I'll leave it at this.

Paul Edgecomb: What do you want me to do John? You want me to let you run out of here, see how far you can get?

John Coffey: Why would you do such a foolish thing?

Paul Edgecomb: On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of his true miracles, what am I gonna say? That it was my job? My job?

John Coffey: You tell God the Father it was a kindness you done. I know you hurtin' and worryin', I can feel it on you, but you oughta quit on it now. Because I want it over and done. I do. I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand?

You've got a new friend, well I've got homies

The Fray's version of Kanye West's Heartless.

Brings out the emotion in the song, in my opinion.

The video's great too. Kinda sad in it's own way though.

Times (of peace)

Dog cat chicken and cows.


Introducing Master Chef Gordon Ramsay.


Damn, should have known about him earlier. It's almost painful to see him cooking his gorgeous food over my computer screen because I can't eat them.

Man, i need to find nice food to eat soon.

Looking around in the crowd of faces

Man, the preparation for AGM yesterday was quite the headache. And I wasn't feeling too good the entire day. In a nutshell things were kinda rushed and Mark, Michelle and I had to redo our little performance an hour before the start of it cos mike stands don't exist today. It kinda sucks being infront of everybody when you know you haven't practiced enough.

Regardless, thanks both of them :D we had fun. And the others who helped. Not very fantastic I know, but hope the J2s had their fair share of fun anyway HAHA.


I need something to do.

Are you Bill?

Decided to start a new blog. It's been awhile! Chances are i'm gonna stick to this boring skin. Will edit it along the way.

So, the midyears just ended yesterday. Like finally. It was a pain in the ass.

I know i wasn't able to study as hard and as much as most people did, and probably will not do as well. Haha, but totally fine with it. What's done is done and if you feel like you've lost out now, just try to make up for it the next time.

Man, it's been ages since i read a decent book. Saw this at Borders yesterday when we went out to eat. I'm not an avid reader but i definitely could use some of these.

And it's colourful too :)