the purpose of posting here instead of facebook is just that i do not wanna be attention seeking and do not want people to think of me pretending to be pitiful.

seriously.. i do need people to hug and tell me it's alright..
but today i look at my granny.. i just cannot control the emotion rush.

i went out and cried a bit, posted an irresponsible post which i realised, should not be done. hence i deleted it..

but seriously, as time goes by.. i realised all those friends whom i tried my best to spend time with them.. is not really around anymore.maybe that's the ultimate part of life..
i wonder on the day that my parents are not feeling well, hospitalize.. how many will actually appear...

an old post, but dunno why it didn't get publish.. so i shall publish it now.


我把你的电话从手机里消除了
我把你的消息从话题里减少了
我把你的味道用香水喷掉了
我把你的照片用全家福挡住了

你让我的懂事变成一种幼稚
你让我的骄傲觉得很无知
你让我的朋友关心我的生活
你让我的软弱陪伴你的自由

离开我　你会不会好一点
离开你　什么事都难一点
车来了　坐上你的明天
车走了　我还站在路边

离开我　你会不会好一点
离开你　什么事都难一点
风来了　云就　会少一点
你走了　我住在雨里面
MUSIC
你让我的懂事变成一种幼稚
你让我的骄傲觉得很无知
你让我的朋友关心我的生活
你让我的软弱陪伴你的自由
离开我　你会不会好一点
离开你　什么事都难一点
车来了　坐上你的明天
车走了　我还站在路边
离开我　你会不会好一点
离开你　什么事都难一点
风来了　云就　会少一点
你走了　我住在雨里面
离开我　你会不会好一点
离开你　什么事都难一点
车来了　坐上你的明天
车走了　我还站在路边
离开我　你会不会好一点
离开你　什么事都难一点
风来了　云就　会少一点
你走了　我住在雨里面

it's exactly a week since granny is admitted to ttsh.

went down everyday and was hoping for miracle.

was a bit sad when auntie when to buy some jewellery for granny...
not for the purpose of bringing luck or what, but just in case.. the deceased will wear something nice..

anyway, been pushing away meet ups this week.. felt really bad and sianz as some meet ups are hard to come by.. say once every few month.. haiz..

but well, i do not want to leave any regrets.. so this period, i shall be guai guai in doing what a grandson is suppose to do..

went down to ttsh for the whole week..

not much of improvement though.

the thing with stroke is that a blood dilation medication can be given to reduce the risk of blood cloths.

however, a thinner blood also means that when there's bleeding, it's harder to heal..

during th 2nd stroke, my grams had an internal bleeding in the brain, if the medication for stroke is given, it will cause more bleeding, building up pressure in the brain, possibly causing impact on other nervous system.

so now, no medication is given for the stroke.
how? wait for CAT scan to check if the bleeding have stopped or worsen, then decide on outcome

went down again today, was a bit happy that granny is moving her arms a bit more and will still squeezing my hands tight when i held hers.

was really concern if she's conscious or not...
i mean if she's conscious, but the eye lid cannot be opened no matter what.. it must be really frustrating..
there's many dearest ard you but you just cannot open your eyes to see..
and when people call out for you.. you cannot open your mouth to greet.
and when you are cold, itchy, thirsty, you cannot express it..

dear granny, i know you most probably feels that way.. so please, be strong and open your eyes yourself.. we are all waiting..

was quite traumatise when my aunt left.. her heart rate suddenly shot more than 160.. which is considered critical.. it's lasted for 10 mins before i call for nurse and doctor.
thought medication is given. Granny heart remain to pound fast for 1 hr..
thankfully now it has dropped back to 100-140

now.. it's the decision time.. if the stroke strikes again, should we pull the plug??

aunties and uncles all refuse to be the bad guy.. so now.. pushing the decision all around...

last night at 2 am, cousin called, grams condition worsen by suffering from a second stroke.

everyone was really stunned and speechless. i was told not to go down as i have work yesterday, but still i didn't have much sleep. Was waiting by the phone the whole night. thanfully grams sorta stable a bit, from critical to life threatening .....

Went to work as usual only to receive a call from my mum that the condition worsen.
rushed down and was almost in tears when passing down instructions for my work.

thankfully when i reached the hospital, it was a false alarm...

but, the granny that was chatting with me the night before, going to toilet herself, eating her own meals are now.. lying there.. eyes closed, struggling to breathe and have a heart beat of 150 per minute..

the doctor says, best outcome is she regains conscious but will be wheelchair bounded for the rest of her time.
or
remains eyes closed, lying on bed until her body cannot take it...


who ever up there, if she's mean to go, let her go peacefully with no pain. if's she's suppose to live, please allow her to recover...

ok, she's fine.. whew..
was a bit happy as i saw my old friend, jian chen over there as well.. quite an interesting meet up.

anyway, went over again this evening.
grams cannot recognize me... even when i told her who i was, what i do.. she still mistook me for another person... someone whom she never meet for years...

if she going to forget me like who ah gong forgets me??

grams just got admitted to TTSH for stroke.. really worried sick..

will be rushing over to take a look.. hope she's fine...
and maybe, not lost all hopes of life like my granddad...

praying hard...

disappointed..

with myself, keep telling myself to change my lifestyle..
and i did?

but why do i still feel a black hole inside, consuming whatever positive feeling i try to savage?

one may say, find a relationship!

well, i did try to search, and i did try to accept.. but i just cannot do it.

i needed someone in my life to accompany me, but i dunno how to change my lifestyle for that someone?
guess i just die alone, maybe with my dog

well, not overwhelmed with work, just amazed with the things that i accomplished.

however, somehow i felt that my life is no longer linked with anyone anymore.

i'm no longer the as and when asked to go out clique in others.

all activities have to be pre-planned ahead.

think i just locked the gate to a clique.. as they are bombarding my whatsapp with some games stuff.

no more news from them. not even from the little clique of 4+3. i suddenly seems non-existence anymore, except from the posts i saw on facebook.

i dun like to be alone, but yes, i have 200 plus people in my contact but i only keep in touch with like 20 of them.

it's not that i like to be go out alone, but i have no choice.
it's not that i like to travel alone, but i have no choice.
it's not that i like to watch movie alone, but i have no one...


just cannot vent that deep compressed feeling in my heart out through all the things i do.

and alcohol is not really doing as well as i thought.
i guess this is my pms ba