could't sleep last night.

it felt quite bad..

suddenly have an urge to get out

so i went out, took the lift to the top floor..

i was thinking, should i jump?

nothing came to my mind, nothing i would felt sad if i were to left it behind..

but yet, i couldn't garner the courage to do so...

i went back after an hour.

Been a While

this boy is not getting better..

all goals are going down the drain

affected by every other things and not motivated by any thing

this boy is almost going to perish.

well, new year.
work have been pretty busy as usual, but at least i'm taking 2 classes this yr.  so handling it quite well so far.
sorta getting use and accepting the fact that i work from 7 to 6 everyday with usually 30 mins of rest in bet.

weight is not working out haha.
still fat and it seems to get to me.
if it really turns bad. maybe i have to do drastic dieting and work out regime.
but really no energy during weekdays unlike my first few year of teaching.

this is killing my self esteem and it's really bad.
but yet, i treasure my social life and not willing to miss outing with friends.
must find a balance somewhere, must find a determination somewhere.
now, all i wish is just to hide in my room after work and hide away that ugly body of mine.

it's been really a long time.
Japan relationship didnt work out as expected, tried but realised i'm the only one trying out. so no-no

work wise just totally lost motivation, have to get out before burnt out.
I still enjoy classroom teaching, but the others.. is just burning me out.

been looking for jobs around, but had interviews for 2 of it.. sadly, no offers, shall continue hunting for one.

looking also at overseas teaching jobs, but it is really hard to get a job for teaching chinese, that pays enough to cover my family allowance.

not so sure how things will go though.


for my fitness, i am losing all motivation to work out, and worse, it is affecting me, more guilty than ever, having low self esteem and feeling inferior.
this is not good.
maybe all i need is a push, someone to ask to me to to workout with them

Jon used to be a best workout buddy, but ever since he started gymming with his friend, our schedule cannot meet like before.

sometimes I really think way to negative and yes.. the fact that fats are affecting me, big time is really depressing.
I really wanna look good in the shirts I like. I really want to wear a pair of pants without my tummy fats pooping out. I really wanna have a tighter skin without feeling that my tummy is swinging everywhere when i run.
but  despite knowing the solution, I find myself always not determined enough.


life have been pretty depress that I felt numb inside, occasion when I should be happy, i felt really emotionless inside, this gets me worried.. can believe not losing weight is doing all these to me.

was reading the symptoms of BBD, i suspect i'm suffering a mild one.. i keep having dreams where i took a knife and cut my tummy flat.
thankfully I was never brave enough to do it.

but the thought scared me. because the reason i didnt do it is "i wasn't brave enough"
not because i'm sensible enough to say " this was stupid"

i wonder what will become of me.

fell in love again.

this time, the relationship started in japan.

it is so darn hard for long distance relationship.
that sometimes i'm not so sure what is the reason for trying.
"maybe you were in a holiday mood and keen for a romance?"
no, we did not have sex, neither did we spend many days or any single nights together.
" maybe the other party was alone there and needed company?"
maybe so??

anyway this person was someone i used to like.
but my advances were sorta deflected.. cos she knows her friend like me.

anyway, i told her i didn't like her friend, but i actually liked her. was a bit disappointed that she didn't reciprocate to my advancements and hence i stopped.

to cut the story short, she told me the feelings was mutual and confirmed with me, that she would have try her luck dating me if not for the friend.
Damn the friend!!

well, we been communicating everyday through whatsapp and it has been almost a month.

some how.. i feel that though she is constantly interacting with me..
she doesn't reveal much feelings? or is she stronger and dun have much things to tell me?
a bit one sided, but i'm not going to slow down..
she makes me wanna take care of her..

i'll be strong and i'll be the one leading since she is the more passive one. but i must be strong so that I can bring her up to a happier place and not make her more moody!

most of the time i just tell myself never to fall in love.
never..

in the end, someone i thought can be a good friend, just keep appearing in my mind.

yes, like every day
like when i wake up
like before i sleep

however things are, that person is not interested in me.

again, my most hated phrases are
"you can find someone better than me"
"you deserves better"
"i'm not your type la"

humble rejections really makes me feels shitty
but whatever it is.. i wish you well.

2013

well looking back at my new year resolution.

1)1)to be below 80kg
supposedly wanting to be below 80kg, but despite the same regime, my weight actually remain stagnant and in september onwards, slowly increased, as of 2014 Jan, i'm 87 Kg.. still a 3kg lost from Jan2013 though.

2) savings.well, stocks wise exceeded my expectations, but savings wise, hmm due to a impulse but not-regretting it, i am unable to reach the target.

3) work
PSLE results and i have 65% A!! better than only 5% A in the class. thought didn't hit 100% A, i'm ok.

4) Relationships

glad that i've join a group and make quite a bit of friends there.

there are some really nice people in there and I am really glad to make friends with them.