Endurance

Dear blog, it has been quite sometime since I last wrote my blog. Life now is very busy and hectic because there is so many things to do. Sometimes I feel like skipping classes because I'm too tired. There are lots of things to do now. I need to apply for UCAS, LNAT, IELTS and lots more stuff to do. I also need to keep up with my grades. I need minimum 3A's to get into Nottingham. Not only that I need to have a good score in my LNAT test and a good personal statement in order To enter into Nottingham. Life is tough. I have thought of it, I need to score 3A's for my Accounts, Maths and Business Studies. I have change my study pattern for Business is that I will revise what I have learned after the lecturer have taught me and I will quickly clear my doubts my her as I do not want to do last minute studies and still remain confuse. I feel myself improving during second sem and I really hope that I could get I good GPA for my Trials. Today's Econs class was tough..... Lots of graph to draw......sos.... But if I study Econs then I will have to forgo the time of studying business. I really love business more than Econs. I just hope that mum will let me drop Econs as 4 subjects is already too heavy for me. I cannot take it, it's really hard for me to breathe. God please give me your grace to help me in my A-levels. You are the only person that can help me and I know that you will help and you won't leave me. It's easy to say that, I will try my best to face someone that hurt you. When you are in that situation where you would see them, you would often back off. It is easy to say that you forgive someone but when the hurt is so deep that it remains as a scar on your life. It's really hard to forget them......but I took the step believing that things are gonna be alright if I see them again as I have now grown up and I'm not the person I used to be. I have become stronger and so I will take my first step to reconnect with other people and who knows the new people you'll meet turns out to be your good friend.....you never know.

Figure out

It's been a long time since I wrote my last blog....I keep reading the 5 A Zhong class magazine for these few days because I really miss my days in high school. I look the comments and my heart just aches because I really miss my friends in high school. Although high school life is very stressful, but you somehow feel very warm there. Really miss the days where you can turn 360 degrees or just run across your sit to chat with your friends. I've been figuring that day is that why keep blaming others for disliking you, why keep blaming saying that one can't fit in. I think one should ask oneself is that because of oneself attitude problem. As I was thinking, I figure out that I fit that criteria. I know I have attitude problem, I like to put up a face that shows others that I'm very bored, egoistic, self-centered and rude. I realize that sometimes when people talk to me, I give them a can you shut up look. I feel really really guilty and I wanna take this opportunity to apologize. I'll try my best to change and be a nicer person. Erm.... I wanna say to my college friends is that I hope when you guys see my blog then you'll understand and I really hope you guys will give some time to go through this transitional period, as I'm still struggling to adapt to this new environment and I can't let go days without my high school friends. Just give me a little bit more time and I'll try my best to change.
The second thing is that I got rejected from the Christmas play. I never thought that I will fail...This feeling is so bad, wanted to cry when they say that out. I've put in so much effort, I think that I've gave my best and their comments were good but I just don't understand why. I really wanted to participate in this play so badly because through doing the things that I like, I won't have the time to think negatively and I can keep my spirits high. Is like you finally find the thing to keep you going on, and now I lose it...life gets boring again.Lets not talk about the sad thing...yeap, I can't wait for the holidays to come. I really wanna take this opportunity to catch up with my high school and church friends. You guys are the most awesome people I have ever met :)

Pissed off

This few days was so depressing. Got back all my results and they're mostly awful, this sucks. The funny part was during Monday right...my lecturer got pissed off because I was copying notes. This is very ridiculous. I don't want to reveal to much info here. Got very mad. I feel that I'm not interested in any subjects anymore, not because I'm disappointed with my results, is because I'm not interested in all this subjects. I feel very lost..very tired... I really need a break. Actually I'm quite disappointed with school.I can said that it really hurts when people mis-use you for a certain purpose, when your lecturer really pissed you off, when people treat you as like when I'm in a good mood then you are my friend, then today I emo so I don't know you attitude,is this the way it should be and the worst part is when nobody including your friends don't back you up for something that is right....WHY? WHY? I'm really disappointed. I don't understand why I work so hard for something and then I failed...why reality can be so cruel? Can't you all see that I'm working so hard....and then you all think that I'm fooling around...it hurts.

Grown

Woah, it has been a long time since I typed my last blog and I'm back again. I found out that I became more mature in handling issues in life. Like this week, some naive people said that my attitude become bad and keep telling others that I've changed. No I didn't change at all...makes no sense at all. I think they cannot accept the fact that now that I've starting to open up and they see the true me....I don't really care if you guys said that I'm faking or what. I just realized this week that you don't have to be really over sensitive to your actions but when you reflect back and think that your actions are okay, then its okay. So regarding this issue, I've choose not to associate with this kind of people and make more new friends in life. I've also learned that making new friends in life is like putting a bet, you got to try whether this friendship will work, if it doesn't work, you will feel hurt for a while but you won't regret it because at least you have try your best. I think I feel stronger now, don't feel intimidated or to say less self pity now, maybe I see things in a more positive way. I just finish my qualifying test this week, so stress out. I screwed up for business and economics. I really hope that I can pass. The essays are like so hard....and my mind went completely blank for the Econs paper. I said to myself I know it feels bad to screw up but you can try harder next time. This week I did something I find it shocking and have no idea why I did it....It goes like this...I saw my neighbor who went to the same college as I do and I went up to him and said are you xxx, then he said yes, and then I asked him do you live in xxx, then he said yes. Then I went and say...I'm your neighbor. Then he said oh...are you from delta class then I said no...I'm from arts. Then what sucks is that his friends gave me the pissed off look....disgusting. Although I feel quite bad and angry but at least I have the courage which the old me won't have to go out and say hello to someone else that you didn't quiet knew. I was trying to be friendly....but anyway I've play my part as trying to be a nice neighbor. Those looks..forget it.

Camp

3 days of orientation camp was awesome, enjoy it very much. At first when I first heard that we'll be camping during orientation camp, I really dislike it, I thought that it was gonna be like very boring, and cause we'll be sleeping in tents. So I didn't really look forward to this camp but no choice still have to go. After the 2 hours and 30 minutes of bus drive, we finally arrived at Tapah SUFEUS Campsite ( I think it spells this way). We put our luggages outside the hall and went for briefing. The highlight of the day was the night walk. It was so scary, because we really went into the jungle and it was drizzling and dark. The ground was wet and slippery. The funny part was that when I heard funny noises I ran and scream but I was so afraid and I grab hold strongly of my teammates and I accidentally scratched them. I wanna say sorry guys. Later only did I know that it was the Orang Asli kids that was making that noise. The fun part of the night walk was when you need to cross the stream and it was slippery and the water was flowing quick and everyone was safe. Lights out at 12 a.m. and the seniors were scouting out to see if we were sleeping. I had a hard time sleeping on the first night because my sleeping bag was to thin and the ground was to hard and I didn't dare to make a lot of noise because I fear that I will get punished. During the second day, we had the second part of the No Apologise seminar. After this seminar I vow to practice abstinence after hearing this seminar to save myself for marriage and not to get involve with pre-marital sex. The highlight of the second day was the stream trotting. Although it was a long distance walk, but it was very fun. We need to cross through lots of rocks in order to get to the water fall and the water was quick. But the fun part was we get to refresh ourselves in the water fall and it was very cooling. we also have night games and it was fun because we get to work together as a team. The third day at 3.30 a.m. in the morning, the seniors woke us up to play some kind of mystery game. I was like dude..it's like 3.30 a.m. in the morning...I just manage to get some rest and you wanna play game...what!The thing that I learn from camp is to open up to others and to work as a team. I also learn to fit in, to learn to accept new stuff in life. New experiences in life could be fun and memorable. I also learn not to be so self centered, learned to lend others a helping hand and I also learn to think outside the box. I think after this camp, I tend to be more mature mentally and emotionally as I learned to accept new things in life. Orientation camp is a good training ground for transition from high school to college. I wanna thank you to my group members,thanks guys for the fun time we have as a group during this camp and thanks for helping me out during the hiking. I also want to say thank you to people who help me during camp and to the facilitators because without you guys, this camp won't exist. I really enjoy this camp and I start to look forward to college life.

Wasted

Today I wore my school uniform to college. Shocking right.....The answer is because of the what so ever orientation thing say must either wear your school uniform or dress formal. Their main motif is sure want to like bully people like us and the seniors like staring, yucks. When I went for community service, and the people like keep asking me and my friend why are you all in school uniforms then when have to like keep telling them is the orientation thing. What sucks is that they made you arrive to school at 7 in the morning and give a fake assembly thing, so lame, duh. Really wasting time...we can use the one hour and like revise homework or like go for chapel service. Really hated it because it makes me feel tired and it's really a waste of time, not beneficial at all. So angry..economics I mess up the whole concept..argh..why...like why can't I get it. Argh...I feel like a complete loser, I mean like why can't I be one of those smart and pretty girls in college. Completely disappointed with my character.

Something different

College life is very tiring...assignments, homework, presentations. I feel that sometimes in life, you try to open up to the new people around you. But once you open out and let people see the real you, to let them know the real you....you tend to get worry because you feared that others will dislike your character. I hate the feeling when others talk behind your back, boy-cot you. This really hurts. Is this the price you have to pay when you open up to new people in life. I really don't know what you guys are thinking. I really want to give you guys the best impression. Sometimes I know it's my fault to become so emo because I really miss my high school friends or sometimes I'm just so tired to talk. I don't want you all to think that I'm a very ego person. After being emo, I feel really bad and I'm trying my best to change. I'm trying my very best to socialize with you all. Trying my very best to like this college, to fit in. I hope you all will understand and give me the time to adapt to this massive change in life. I know that I saw some improvement during this few weeks in college at least I don't often drag myself out of bed every morning to go to college like the few previous weeks, at least I try to smile whenever I see familiar faces. I know socializing is not what I'm good at but I will try my best. Since I have chosen the path to leave high school and I know there's no turning back, so I must bravely walk this path. God please help me, I really need you. I really don't know what to do.