hehe, i just realised, my blog's name is the name of a blue-red premade deck. =D

reflecting on my previous post -
1. i've stopped going to the gym for 2 months lol. time to get back to it. hindered by this silly scalp thing.
2. i haven't made time for art. but yoga and meditation could be the thing i'm looking for.
3. Joanna Newsom's new album (Divers) came out and it's fantastic. makes me rethink Have One On Me.

i have so many things i want to ask psychologist mentors. i wish i had one.
1. with the number of impressive papers in the field, how do you not get intimidated? how do you find something new to research?
2. how do i even start to approach psychologists?
3. what do i do with this senior thesis thing? my plans aren't falling together as i expected.
4. i anticipate being very emotionally exhausted. does this really happen? how often? can i get through it? is this right for me?

i think i need more art and vegetables in my life.

something tells me that i need to get away from the rat race. the rat race is making me physically react to it. i can't really do much to help it.

but vegetables and art are two things that tell you to "chill out". art is like vegetables for the soul. it's a little hard to get into, but they give you wonderful things after.

and it's more zen than ever because these things have to be taken on the regular, over time. it's not like a laxative that you can pop in your coffee and have its effects felt immediately.

art can't be saturated. i've listened too many times to Have One On Me that it doesn't feel organic any more. maybe it isn't meant to be felt that way. but Pleasantry, even though they aren't breaking much new musical ground, is scattering and shattering my emotional state. it's making me relax. it's making me ascend, but at the same time i'm brought back with new vigour.

here's to living healthy. gym has been going well for me, 3 years-ish now, without a hitch. exercise, art, and vegetables. i even bought my own chicken breast to cook for dinner just now.

Ben is lovely, thanks for asking. i hope i'll be happy enough without him at the exchange. separation is difficult. living alone is difficult. well, those thoughts don't have to be. i have to get back to my semestral work. ah.

art and vegetables. =)

my new computer is here. it's gorgeous. and amazing. it feels like i finally have an electronic companion that is really worthy of my effort and time.

i'm writing this mainly because i want to get a further feel of the typing of the keyboard. but the topic today is about my thesis.

i've started thinking about it more often now because of the lab that i'm working at. my first internship. it's like a dream. a tiring, bizarre dream that doesn't really seem to end at the end of the day. it kind of just continues, dreamlike, into my home and then back again on the bus to work the next day. strange feeling. maybe probably due to the nagging tiredness i feel constantly since starting work on wednesday? (it's friday now. tmr's pinkdot 2015.)

well. i'm reading about doing up a thesis and compiling a list of practical articles that would help me manage writing the thesis well. it seems like it's going to be very emotionally draining. i wonder why.

i think the experience of going through the internship will help me. working is very different from studying. it feels more relaxed and more panicky at the same time. no one will chase you for work, but you have to do SOMETHING to keep yourself attractive and busy to the firm that hires you. so everyone is half keen and half exhausted. i dunno, maybe it's just my subjective interpretation. i must admit, it has been kind of a culture shock entering an actual workplace. the people are brilliant though. they are just magnificent and i couldn't have asked for a friendlier, more open workplace to start with.

so. my thesis. yeah. i wonder if i'm doing the right thing. i wonder if i did the right thing heading to SMU for my degree. but yeah, time will tell. and as long as i keep my head up and stay positive about my options, i should be doing above average. =)

time to read that Umberto Eco book. goodnight world.

i think college and school gives you a controlled, directed environment to work in. consequences are that you feel busy, more purposeful, and more energetic getting things constructively done, but the flip side is that you don't really have time to slow down, to think about what REALLY drives you in life, and what you must do to drive yourself onwards. for starters, finding a job that really keeps you going. it's going to be a marathon, and not necessarily a super happy one all the time, but at least you will be rewarded with the feeling of a hard-earned happiness and purpose. one that you accomplished by yourself, all the way from the start. the initiative you put in will really startle you at the end. and then you will feel connected and contributing to the world. whether in truths, in science, or in administration.
forget bankers. i don't think they're at the stage now to actually prize the right things. maybe once upon a time they did. and then the love of money came into the picture and fucked everything upside down. not literally of course.

I had to break myself to carry on
No love and no admission
Take this from me tonight
Oh, let's fight
Oh, let's fight
Oh, let's fight
Oh

And oh, oh, oh
I was a king under your control
And oh, oh, oh
I wanna feel like you've let me go
So let me go

- Years & Years, "King"

And oh my love remind me, what was it that I did?
Did I drink too much?
Am I losing touch?
Did I build this ship to wreck?

To wreck, to wreck, to wreck,
Did I build this ship to wreck?