so.
it's been a weird sunday.
the kind where you outwardly agree with your conservative parents, but then a while later (hours) you think back about the conversation and it was totally forced and not genuine and the explanations mounted by the opposition were actually completely fallacious.
it makes me upset and frustrated. but as these emotions calm down, mostly sad. sad that i have to endure this. their stereotyping - indians are constantly referred to as drunks, and malays as lazy. this kind of mindset is atrocious at this day and age. and they brought in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, and used it against me. as if self-actualisation without going through the first few rungs is actually undesirable. well, fuck you. that is ad hominem. my views aren't less valid just because i didn't struggle my way up.
i need to let this go. this is a symptom of the issue between my parents and i, and not the actual thing. so i shouldn't get upset over this. just gotta let it go.
it's humiliating though, getting power-played out of your stance. most of the time i just sit there and nod, because if i cut them it would only make them angrier. they do not know how to debate without getting heated or personal. and that makes me emotionally involved too, especially when there are glaring errors in their argument that i'm not brave enough to raise to their faces.
a really mean thought occurred to me: we'll just wait till they're dependent on me. and then the fun can happen. it's a sick thought, but it strangely makes me happy in a perverse kind of way. it puzzles me, why i get this feeling from such a bad thought. i guess it's a primal thing. the deed serves no purpose whatsoever, except for the momentary feeling of elation at their suffering. sadism, or schadenfreude.
that was kinda dark. so music! i've been listening to Edith Piaf a bit, and some rock music too from 30 Seconds to Mars because i've been feeling stressed the past two weeks.
sweet electronica just doesn't cut it at the moment, like Frou Frou. too insubstantial, too ethereal, too dreamlike to actually be useful to my demanding, intensely unsettled emotions.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Sunday, October 05, 2014
Adulthood:
A series of "I'd rather be doing (insert something not-as-bad here) than (insert current task)" that leads to you doing the former, even though the former isn't what you dreamed it would be like. A "compromise", or, in other words, a chickening-out and a giving-in of your own demands to the demands of the people/society around you.
Case in point:
"I'd rather go for a holiday than do this statistics work", even though holidaying isn't the best option of having fun.
Or maybe this is just called...growth.
Edit: whatever the fucking adults say. it's still lying to yourself.
A series of "I'd rather be doing (insert something not-as-bad here) than (insert current task)" that leads to you doing the former, even though the former isn't what you dreamed it would be like. A "compromise", or, in other words, a chickening-out and a giving-in of your own demands to the demands of the people/society around you.
Case in point:
"I'd rather go for a holiday than do this statistics work", even though holidaying isn't the best option of having fun.
Or maybe this is just called...growth.
Edit: whatever the fucking adults say. it's still lying to yourself.
Wednesday, August 06, 2014
so...i was just re-reading my blog.
gosh, not to heap self-praise, but i really took down the important stuff. yay me. =) and i'm drawing so much strength from it now.
well. the reason why i've turned to the blog is because i feel restless. why do i feel restless? because i'm heading to australia in six hours and the group of friends i'm with is nice but not homely. i'm hoping that we all can pull together and make this a fun one. doesn't have to be the greatest holiday ever, but at least a fun one where we all can enjoy time away from the controlled, familiar environment of home and Singapore.
this feeling is strange. it's lethargic, buzzing, throbbing, alert, nervous, anxious, and dismayed. wow absolutely no positive adverbs in there. but yeah. it kinda happens.
on to the weightier stuff that i intend to say.
Jessie Ware's music has really affected my these past few days, maybe a week or so. let me start with the quality of the music. it's enveloping to some extent, and her vocals are ethereal but not insubstantial. it's like standing in a large marble hall while someone is singing from the next room, with the connecting door a fair bit away from you. there's airiness, but half of the time strength and substance comes through with a surprising blast that makes you want to cry and smile at the same time. yes. i think i've got it right.
the thing is, i've fallen for someone (again?) and i really hope he's the one. my natural instinct is to fall really hard and start obsessing over the person, not for their qualities so much but for the idea of someone actually reciprocating. the yearning for that amazing sense of security you get when you know someone actually loves you. and the things that you both could do together.
it's also raised some questions within me. especially the one about what i can contribute to a relationship, no, let me phrase it better, i mean the question about why someone would not just fall for me but maintain a romantic, intimate emotional relationship with me. i'm always so insecure and self-conscious about everything, more than most people (i think), and sometimes even i wouldn't date myself. so that's kind of the root of the problem, of the worrying, of the undercurrent of anxiety - the flaws in myself that i don't shake off. when someone spots a flaw in you that you overlooked it's the worst feeling. it feels like you're not good enough, it feels like there's some betrayal to yourself that you didn't fix it (but fixing it takes effort, which is another problem). there's always that sentiment of not being good enough for the other person. it would take so much for someone else to persuade me that i'm good enough for them. maybe this would lead to trust issues or overattachment. that's for the future.
for now it's this uncertainty. what label are we supposed to put on ourselves? even though i generally don't like them, there's something comforting, effortless, and familiar about putting a label on something, in this case a relationship.
then again, it's only been five days since i actually started talking to him, so i need to find out more about him (to decide how much i should risk myself, put myself into this relationship). i think it's fucking crazy that i'm reacting emotionally like that, and i'm trying hard to stop. i'm even doing the fucking don't-reply-smses-immediately thing that i did with the other two. this time it's working better, but not good enough for me. acting aloof isn't the word, it's more of...not being fucking crazy and talking to the person 24/7. see this is what happens when the cycle starts - sms comes in, i immediately read and message (and it might be the most bland message ever, which starts a bland topic of conversation), and then i wait for the person's reply (and this is where the MOST ANXIETY happens), and then the reply comes back and i am doomed to carry on talking about bullshit when mostly i wanna say "I REALLY LIKE YOU CAN WE DATE AND THEN MAKE THIS SERIOUS ASAP" which is batshit crazy because i have only known the person for 5 fucking days. okay. phew. fuck me, i'm a creepy motherfucker.
gosh, not to heap self-praise, but i really took down the important stuff. yay me. =) and i'm drawing so much strength from it now.
well. the reason why i've turned to the blog is because i feel restless. why do i feel restless? because i'm heading to australia in six hours and the group of friends i'm with is nice but not homely. i'm hoping that we all can pull together and make this a fun one. doesn't have to be the greatest holiday ever, but at least a fun one where we all can enjoy time away from the controlled, familiar environment of home and Singapore.
this feeling is strange. it's lethargic, buzzing, throbbing, alert, nervous, anxious, and dismayed. wow absolutely no positive adverbs in there. but yeah. it kinda happens.
on to the weightier stuff that i intend to say.
Jessie Ware's music has really affected my these past few days, maybe a week or so. let me start with the quality of the music. it's enveloping to some extent, and her vocals are ethereal but not insubstantial. it's like standing in a large marble hall while someone is singing from the next room, with the connecting door a fair bit away from you. there's airiness, but half of the time strength and substance comes through with a surprising blast that makes you want to cry and smile at the same time. yes. i think i've got it right.
the thing is, i've fallen for someone (again?) and i really hope he's the one. my natural instinct is to fall really hard and start obsessing over the person, not for their qualities so much but for the idea of someone actually reciprocating. the yearning for that amazing sense of security you get when you know someone actually loves you. and the things that you both could do together.
it's also raised some questions within me. especially the one about what i can contribute to a relationship, no, let me phrase it better, i mean the question about why someone would not just fall for me but maintain a romantic, intimate emotional relationship with me. i'm always so insecure and self-conscious about everything, more than most people (i think), and sometimes even i wouldn't date myself. so that's kind of the root of the problem, of the worrying, of the undercurrent of anxiety - the flaws in myself that i don't shake off. when someone spots a flaw in you that you overlooked it's the worst feeling. it feels like you're not good enough, it feels like there's some betrayal to yourself that you didn't fix it (but fixing it takes effort, which is another problem). there's always that sentiment of not being good enough for the other person. it would take so much for someone else to persuade me that i'm good enough for them. maybe this would lead to trust issues or overattachment. that's for the future.
for now it's this uncertainty. what label are we supposed to put on ourselves? even though i generally don't like them, there's something comforting, effortless, and familiar about putting a label on something, in this case a relationship.
then again, it's only been five days since i actually started talking to him, so i need to find out more about him (to decide how much i should risk myself, put myself into this relationship). i think it's fucking crazy that i'm reacting emotionally like that, and i'm trying hard to stop. i'm even doing the fucking don't-reply-smses-immediately thing that i did with the other two. this time it's working better, but not good enough for me. acting aloof isn't the word, it's more of...not being fucking crazy and talking to the person 24/7. see this is what happens when the cycle starts - sms comes in, i immediately read and message (and it might be the most bland message ever, which starts a bland topic of conversation), and then i wait for the person's reply (and this is where the MOST ANXIETY happens), and then the reply comes back and i am doomed to carry on talking about bullshit when mostly i wanna say "I REALLY LIKE YOU CAN WE DATE AND THEN MAKE THIS SERIOUS ASAP" which is batshit crazy because i have only known the person for 5 fucking days. okay. phew. fuck me, i'm a creepy motherfucker.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Hobbies
Singing.
Magic: The Gathering.
League of Legends.
Guild Wars 2.
Reading.
Writing poetry.
Playing the guitar.
Bicycle rides.
Rollerskating.
Skateboarding.
Magic: The Gathering.
League of Legends.
Guild Wars 2.
Reading.
Writing poetry.
Playing the guitar.
Bicycle rides.
Rollerskating.
Skateboarding.
Friday, March 07, 2014
Pissed. Off.
i am so fucking pissed off.
it started with me dropping my keys in the drain, and i couldn't get them. and then now anger is coursing through my veins. IT'S LIKE THE PAST FEW DAYS AND WEEKS OF SMILES AND HAPPINESS HAS JUST EVAPORATED AWAY LIKE THE SURFACE OF SKIM MILK. there's nothing underneath. nothing i really fell right to my heart. it's just empty. i miss the company of normal people. i miss being me. i miss not adjusting. i hate university life, with all its hi-bye people and all the well-dressed and well-heeled people walking around me. i don't hate them personally, i just hate how they have been produced by the system, and how they are part of it, and how they try to distance themselves from it but embody it nonetheless. i hate being forced into things that i don't wanna do, those subjects that i've purposely distanced myself from. don't tell me it's for my own good, or to expand my horizons, or something that'll help me in the future, or something i "just have to pull through" and "tahan". fuck all that. fuck you. fuck this shit. i don't wanna do it, i know i have to, but just, for once, fuck it. fuck it. i mean it, for once, from the bottom of my heart, fuck it. i am so emotionally distanced from it right now. fuck the workload. i know it's inevitable, and i know people out there in africa or some third-world country are suffering, but right now my suffering feels as frustrated and as great as theirs. and i say fuck it. i don't have to put up with it. my emotions are raging so furiously right now, that i seriously and simply cannot compromise.
it's not that the world isn't going according to what i expected it to be. it is, and all the randomness in my life, i like it. i cherish it for the experiences it'll give me. i just don't want unwanted things to come into my life right now, that i can't, for the life of me, learn anything from, or seem to attempt to learn anything from. oh, and i'm sick of being politically correct, socially. i want to fit in, but if it has come to this, i mean, i don't understand where you guys are coming from and i don't understand your lingo. and i don't have to GUTS to do anything about it except sit in a corner and wait for someone from the group to approach me. i want to talk to you guys like your lives mean something. and then i get angry because of these expectations and because i know that you guys really aren't capable of that. you guys have the feelings and opinions equivalent of those of a small cat's or a domestic animal's. it's all told to you. you're told how to feel. you're told how to relate to things. you're told that you can only approach things from certain angles. there are some things you don't even feel the need to discuss or relate yourselves to. just, PLEASE, show some emotion and some human feeling when you're talking about issues related to the real world? please? i mean, the world is bigger than singapore. i want opinions. i don't have all the opinions, but at least i'm INTERESTED in finding out yours. and i cherish those opinions. it makes me respect you. it makes me happier that there are people in the world interested in other things than those just around them. which is why C is such a weird paradox - so deeply involved in world politics and yet so conservative and cautious in his outlook. i dislike it, but i respect that he at least has well-thought-out opinions. so yeah, you guys could definitely look into that area of yourselves and improve.
well, my venting is running out of steam, but i just want to look at myself and still see the child within, the emotional being that i am. at least for now. go back to the basics. and see what i really want, what i will really treasure. no considerations about work. that has taken over my life so much that i can barely see where i'm going. finding my way around in the dark, grasping for half thought-out opportunities that hardly affect me whether i get them or not, and gut-punching me where i least expect them.
i'm feeling the urge to write poetry again. that's a sign of feeling lonely and having nowhere to turn to. ah. i need to socialise again, with genuine friends that aren't just hi-bye. and i need to let off some steam on work - it's consuming me. "time management" won't mean shit, honestly, with me. to some extent yes, but definitely not in the long run. it just means "fucking up your emotional state". driving yourself crazy with work, one hour at a time.
my stomach is kinda rumbling.
it started with me dropping my keys in the drain, and i couldn't get them. and then now anger is coursing through my veins. IT'S LIKE THE PAST FEW DAYS AND WEEKS OF SMILES AND HAPPINESS HAS JUST EVAPORATED AWAY LIKE THE SURFACE OF SKIM MILK. there's nothing underneath. nothing i really fell right to my heart. it's just empty. i miss the company of normal people. i miss being me. i miss not adjusting. i hate university life, with all its hi-bye people and all the well-dressed and well-heeled people walking around me. i don't hate them personally, i just hate how they have been produced by the system, and how they are part of it, and how they try to distance themselves from it but embody it nonetheless. i hate being forced into things that i don't wanna do, those subjects that i've purposely distanced myself from. don't tell me it's for my own good, or to expand my horizons, or something that'll help me in the future, or something i "just have to pull through" and "tahan". fuck all that. fuck you. fuck this shit. i don't wanna do it, i know i have to, but just, for once, fuck it. fuck it. i mean it, for once, from the bottom of my heart, fuck it. i am so emotionally distanced from it right now. fuck the workload. i know it's inevitable, and i know people out there in africa or some third-world country are suffering, but right now my suffering feels as frustrated and as great as theirs. and i say fuck it. i don't have to put up with it. my emotions are raging so furiously right now, that i seriously and simply cannot compromise.
it's not that the world isn't going according to what i expected it to be. it is, and all the randomness in my life, i like it. i cherish it for the experiences it'll give me. i just don't want unwanted things to come into my life right now, that i can't, for the life of me, learn anything from, or seem to attempt to learn anything from. oh, and i'm sick of being politically correct, socially. i want to fit in, but if it has come to this, i mean, i don't understand where you guys are coming from and i don't understand your lingo. and i don't have to GUTS to do anything about it except sit in a corner and wait for someone from the group to approach me. i want to talk to you guys like your lives mean something. and then i get angry because of these expectations and because i know that you guys really aren't capable of that. you guys have the feelings and opinions equivalent of those of a small cat's or a domestic animal's. it's all told to you. you're told how to feel. you're told how to relate to things. you're told that you can only approach things from certain angles. there are some things you don't even feel the need to discuss or relate yourselves to. just, PLEASE, show some emotion and some human feeling when you're talking about issues related to the real world? please? i mean, the world is bigger than singapore. i want opinions. i don't have all the opinions, but at least i'm INTERESTED in finding out yours. and i cherish those opinions. it makes me respect you. it makes me happier that there are people in the world interested in other things than those just around them. which is why C is such a weird paradox - so deeply involved in world politics and yet so conservative and cautious in his outlook. i dislike it, but i respect that he at least has well-thought-out opinions. so yeah, you guys could definitely look into that area of yourselves and improve.
well, my venting is running out of steam, but i just want to look at myself and still see the child within, the emotional being that i am. at least for now. go back to the basics. and see what i really want, what i will really treasure. no considerations about work. that has taken over my life so much that i can barely see where i'm going. finding my way around in the dark, grasping for half thought-out opportunities that hardly affect me whether i get them or not, and gut-punching me where i least expect them.
i'm feeling the urge to write poetry again. that's a sign of feeling lonely and having nowhere to turn to. ah. i need to socialise again, with genuine friends that aren't just hi-bye. and i need to let off some steam on work - it's consuming me. "time management" won't mean shit, honestly, with me. to some extent yes, but definitely not in the long run. it just means "fucking up your emotional state". driving yourself crazy with work, one hour at a time.
my stomach is kinda rumbling.
Sunday, March 02, 2014
so...i've just been rejected by two interviews.
the first one i took quite harshly, because the interview kind of caught me by surprise. i didn't expect it to be so wit-oriented, so focused, and so impersonal. and it was the interview that was more personal and more meaningful to my personal life. i was kinda sleepy that morning too, which didn't help things. the questions they asked were direct, and sounded very accusatory to me. the feeling i was left with after the interview was that i was a bit cheated, and a bit baited into going for something that would tear me down this much. the people outside of the interview room were so nice, though. so civil. and yet i could sense something amiss, honestly. i sensed it when i was in the waiting room. why would you require us to dress up, and then you have an "informal" roundtable session with us? i'm not getting to the point here. the point is, it left me with a bad aftertaste in my mouth, and the advice of "just be yourself" didn't work for me in the end.
and so i wonder from this:
1. was i just a bad fit, after truly being myself?
2. was i a good fit, but unprepared for the interview?
3. was i a good fit, but lost my chance because i wasn't truly being myself during the interview?
these questions are the main ones that are feelings going around me at this time. i'm not clearly sad or upset, but i do feel it a bit. and i realise that i'm not weak in feeling these things, as it's because it's something i really wanted. and losing it just makes me upset. but it's for the best - this experience will teach me things that i will carry with me through my life.
the second interview was on the same day as the first, and thus i didn't feel like myself when i was entering the room. i felt sleepy, tired, and inarticulate and demoralised and unbalanced from the morning's interview. but it was a fun interview for a fun job and it went well. however, i just got the notice that i didn't make it, and thus am feeling slightly down. but this one did not mean as much to me as the first interview, and it frees up my holiday, so i don't feel as bad. the first one was a long-term committment that i was willing to put effort and time into for the long haul, and thus when the other party did not feel like they needed me, i was a bit upset. but things can't always go your way, even when you really want it to. i guess i'll just have to learn from this, and improve myself. the emotional down-ness also will help me to get back up on my feet faster the next time. i need more failures in my life to become a stronger person, and i hope these failures won't cost me too much that i would need more time than i do to get back up.
after receiving news of the outcome of both interviews, i feel a bit empty, as if i had invested a lot of my soul into them for nothing. practically, i guess right now i have to find another avenue to clear my cip hours, and i'll have to do it slightly more alone. hopefully i can find one that doesn't need me to contribute too much time. right now my priorities are not about community service, but about the career path i need to take with my life. in a way, i'm glad that the only path left to me, strongly left to me, that i feel for, is the path that takes me away from singapore. it leaves me no option, which eases the burden of choice (which i am generally quite bad at). since i'll have to live away from here, i'll have to give up things, which is hard but eventually it's gonna be okay. i have a positive attitude that i can take with me wherever i go. also, i'll need to find a job there that can pay the bills and that can allow me to live comfortably. in the process i'll have to learn some day care skills like cooking and cleaning. which is okay, i'll be more useful to my husband through that.
about my career right now, degree-wise, i'm stuck between psychology and political science. i don't know which one should be my second major.
psychology
- is interesting.
- opens a door to being a counselor, which is what i think i'd like to do, and which is also a stable job.
- i'm unsure of whether i've got the drive to do it in the long run - this can be fixed by finding an emotional centre in the job, and a sense of purpose that this job can contribute to my life.
political science
- is interesting.
- i might be able to score well.
- i'm unsure of what careers it'll lead me on.
one thing i'm clear of is that i don't want a job that coops me up in an office cubicle all day long. i don't mind working odd hours if needed (although this might change, once a family comes in the picture).
maybe i do need a makeover - a haircut, a shave, and contacts. a possible reason for my rejection is a silly one, but still possible - the superficial.
the first one i took quite harshly, because the interview kind of caught me by surprise. i didn't expect it to be so wit-oriented, so focused, and so impersonal. and it was the interview that was more personal and more meaningful to my personal life. i was kinda sleepy that morning too, which didn't help things. the questions they asked were direct, and sounded very accusatory to me. the feeling i was left with after the interview was that i was a bit cheated, and a bit baited into going for something that would tear me down this much. the people outside of the interview room were so nice, though. so civil. and yet i could sense something amiss, honestly. i sensed it when i was in the waiting room. why would you require us to dress up, and then you have an "informal" roundtable session with us? i'm not getting to the point here. the point is, it left me with a bad aftertaste in my mouth, and the advice of "just be yourself" didn't work for me in the end.
and so i wonder from this:
1. was i just a bad fit, after truly being myself?
2. was i a good fit, but unprepared for the interview?
3. was i a good fit, but lost my chance because i wasn't truly being myself during the interview?
these questions are the main ones that are feelings going around me at this time. i'm not clearly sad or upset, but i do feel it a bit. and i realise that i'm not weak in feeling these things, as it's because it's something i really wanted. and losing it just makes me upset. but it's for the best - this experience will teach me things that i will carry with me through my life.
the second interview was on the same day as the first, and thus i didn't feel like myself when i was entering the room. i felt sleepy, tired, and inarticulate and demoralised and unbalanced from the morning's interview. but it was a fun interview for a fun job and it went well. however, i just got the notice that i didn't make it, and thus am feeling slightly down. but this one did not mean as much to me as the first interview, and it frees up my holiday, so i don't feel as bad. the first one was a long-term committment that i was willing to put effort and time into for the long haul, and thus when the other party did not feel like they needed me, i was a bit upset. but things can't always go your way, even when you really want it to. i guess i'll just have to learn from this, and improve myself. the emotional down-ness also will help me to get back up on my feet faster the next time. i need more failures in my life to become a stronger person, and i hope these failures won't cost me too much that i would need more time than i do to get back up.
after receiving news of the outcome of both interviews, i feel a bit empty, as if i had invested a lot of my soul into them for nothing. practically, i guess right now i have to find another avenue to clear my cip hours, and i'll have to do it slightly more alone. hopefully i can find one that doesn't need me to contribute too much time. right now my priorities are not about community service, but about the career path i need to take with my life. in a way, i'm glad that the only path left to me, strongly left to me, that i feel for, is the path that takes me away from singapore. it leaves me no option, which eases the burden of choice (which i am generally quite bad at). since i'll have to live away from here, i'll have to give up things, which is hard but eventually it's gonna be okay. i have a positive attitude that i can take with me wherever i go. also, i'll need to find a job there that can pay the bills and that can allow me to live comfortably. in the process i'll have to learn some day care skills like cooking and cleaning. which is okay, i'll be more useful to my husband through that.
about my career right now, degree-wise, i'm stuck between psychology and political science. i don't know which one should be my second major.
psychology
- is interesting.
- opens a door to being a counselor, which is what i think i'd like to do, and which is also a stable job.
- i'm unsure of whether i've got the drive to do it in the long run - this can be fixed by finding an emotional centre in the job, and a sense of purpose that this job can contribute to my life.
political science
- is interesting.
- i might be able to score well.
- i'm unsure of what careers it'll lead me on.
one thing i'm clear of is that i don't want a job that coops me up in an office cubicle all day long. i don't mind working odd hours if needed (although this might change, once a family comes in the picture).
maybe i do need a makeover - a haircut, a shave, and contacts. a possible reason for my rejection is a silly one, but still possible - the superficial.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Unshakeability
"During REM sleep an extraordinary thing happens. One of the stress-related chemicals in the brain, noradrenalin, is switched off. It's the only time, day or night, this happens. It allows us to remain calm while our brains reprocess all the experiences of the day, helping us come to terms with particularly emotional events."
this might be my psych side talking, but i really feel at peace, even though there are so many things that i have to do and all the things that are surrounding my life are happening. there's CCA application, there's readings, there's fretting over exams, there's a dingy weekend, there's the tuition students, there's the slight loneliness in school (did i say it? doesn't feel like it though...), there's pressure to get a boyfriend...but even so, things just stay clear and calm. like my Guardian in GW2. simple yet effective moves to ward off things, and there's a beauty in that efficiency and do-ing.
my sickness has worn off, and American Horror Story: Coven has come to an end in my life. these are changes, and for the better.
Happy Chinese New Year.
i hope i can remained focused and emotionally concentrated and dense like this, when needed.
this might be my psych side talking, but i really feel at peace, even though there are so many things that i have to do and all the things that are surrounding my life are happening. there's CCA application, there's readings, there's fretting over exams, there's a dingy weekend, there's the tuition students, there's the slight loneliness in school (did i say it? doesn't feel like it though...), there's pressure to get a boyfriend...but even so, things just stay clear and calm. like my Guardian in GW2. simple yet effective moves to ward off things, and there's a beauty in that efficiency and do-ing.
my sickness has worn off, and American Horror Story: Coven has come to an end in my life. these are changes, and for the better.
Happy Chinese New Year.
i hope i can remained focused and emotionally concentrated and dense like this, when needed.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Limbo
it's a weird feeling/mood that i have now.
it's supplemented by the fact that i have to wake up tmr, but that particular fact isn't so bad this week because i kinda know what to expect, and so it won't be so bad.
maybe it's skating tmr, but i know it's just pre-skating jitters. it's gonna be fun once i start doing it.
i kinda look forward to gym.
schoolwork is manageable - my stack of revision savings that i've done is starting to be used up, so i hafta do a new set of notes. i've read through both subjects, now i just need to put them into writing. that should be fine.
tuition is not weighing on my mind heavily right now - there's a problem, but it's minor, and i'm fixing it.
maybe it's the realisation that even though there is stress and that there are problems, i'm not FEARING them. i just accept them and know that when the time comes, i'll deal with them. and that i will.
there's an experiment tmr, and the day after. hope those go well. they should.
i feel a little hot inside. might be falling sick, or it's just the lack of adequate sleep that i'm getting.
i would like more time to relax, and to not have this weight of sleeping early hanging over my head, but i guess just for today, i'll have to deal with it.
i would like to conclude with something less mundane, something that i can draw out of my life at this particular instant. i will write a haiku.
Calm
mahogany desk
keystrokes flow from dark to light
a muse wind whispers
it's supplemented by the fact that i have to wake up tmr, but that particular fact isn't so bad this week because i kinda know what to expect, and so it won't be so bad.
maybe it's skating tmr, but i know it's just pre-skating jitters. it's gonna be fun once i start doing it.
i kinda look forward to gym.
schoolwork is manageable - my stack of revision savings that i've done is starting to be used up, so i hafta do a new set of notes. i've read through both subjects, now i just need to put them into writing. that should be fine.
tuition is not weighing on my mind heavily right now - there's a problem, but it's minor, and i'm fixing it.
maybe it's the realisation that even though there is stress and that there are problems, i'm not FEARING them. i just accept them and know that when the time comes, i'll deal with them. and that i will.
there's an experiment tmr, and the day after. hope those go well. they should.
i feel a little hot inside. might be falling sick, or it's just the lack of adequate sleep that i'm getting.
i would like more time to relax, and to not have this weight of sleeping early hanging over my head, but i guess just for today, i'll have to deal with it.
i would like to conclude with something less mundane, something that i can draw out of my life at this particular instant. i will write a haiku.
Calm
mahogany desk
keystrokes flow from dark to light
a muse wind whispers
Sunday, January 19, 2014
The Next Week
try as i might, it just slowly plods along to the next week, and then the next week, and the week after that...
hope this busy time gets productively busy and not aimlessly busy. (what am i going to do about it?) well, the project outlines aren't very solid yet, but as of what i can see, they don't really stimulate me so far. i'm hoping i can find some details that'll make my heart tick and live again for the work.
revision is going well, probably adapted to the faster pace of this semester. i'm thankful that i don't have to take statistics this term. it's crazy enough as it is without having to worry about an extra group project and more numbers wedging their way into my life.
adeeb's birthday is coming up. i'm going for enzon's gig this friday. wow everything seems to be going so fast, and yet things aren't meaningful. this business isn't going to stay in my mind and make me cherish it. it's just filler. i dislike filler.
i'm worrying without a foreseeable payoff. i mean, the motivation to swap one activity for another isn't strongly there, or i haven't convinced myself that it's there and worth it. as i have thought, maybe it's the emotional value that we create for ourselves throughout this lifetime that keeps us going. there's no true absolute. it's what we do for the people around us and how we set our expectations and then make or break them. there is no higher purpose. we just are, and the present is what we have. we should learn to cherish and relish it, these experiences.
here's to a good next week, that work gets more meaningful, and group meetings will be productive, and activities will be enjoyable and a way to de-stress. if not i'll just end up on the computer again, driving at Guild Wars quests. and though it's fun, this isn't how i'd like to de-stress during my school days.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Hope and the Present
Ying: How can we abandon hope? It's all we have.
Aang: I don't know. The monks used to say that hope is a distraction. So maybe we need to abandon it.
Katara: What are you talking about?
Aang: Hope isn't going to get us into Ba Sing Se. And it's not going to find Appa. We need to focus on what we're doing right now. And that's getting across this pass.
i used to think hope was something we just had to have, something we needed every day and something that is an integral part of our daily lives.
this quote really struck me. living as a 20-something year old, we have so many hopes. they can be called dreams, aspirations, wishes...hope wants a change. hope wants what we think is best for us and our lives.
but maybe we give in too much to hope. maybe this hope involves planning, and planning takes away from the immediacy of life. not even when the current plan has ended do we start thinking about the 'next step'. hope causes us to do this because we feel that to have hope for the future, we need to be able to control it. maybe this isn't what we should do.
i'm not saying we totally give up hope, but we need to temper hope in our lives.
1. merely hoping won't change things, and makes it wishful thinking, devaluing our person and our potential.
2. hope takes us away from the present. the present is good because it is where you learn and grow through reflection.
3. too much time spent on hope might lead us to unproductive worrying instead of planning and taking concrete steps towards our goal.
how to balance hope and living then? when frivolous planning gets too much, we should take a step back and look at it from a wider angle, as a small part of the bigger journey of life. in this way, hope becomes a good tool, and helps us grow and mature into independence. from this same perspective, we should look at our current situation, our life, and appreciate it by seeing how it fits into our whole person and journey. appreciate that by being here, we are part of our own life. and thus, be able to enjoy the present. the here. the now.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Maturity
what does it mean to be mature? what does it mean to be an adult?
psychology has opened up these questions to me. there are definitions, but how do they help me in feeling better about myself? how do they explain the mental journey that i have had so far in my 20+ years of living? i've definitely traveled, haven't i?
egocentrism takes a while to shake off. so does superficiality. i mean, we are visual people, possibly more visual than ever in the 21st century, with so much of information coming in through our eyes. reading, looking at slides, watching videos, calculating...
the stress is there, but it helps that i'm doing something unpleasant to handle it. i'm making progress. i just hope progress isn't always as painful as this. in an ideal world, it shouldn't be. people would be able to be specialised and take care of the things that they want to (or maybe that they're good at). okay this is a strange idea.
back to studying i guess. not much to say about maturity. i want to keep living. i want to keep feeling this, and i never want the passion to run out. i want to find new things to be passionate and happy about, that fire me up strongly enough to keep me going for ever. it might sound a bit dependent, but it's probably the truth: everyone needs to fight and strive for something they believe in. they have to take every step thinking that it counts, if not, they wouldn't be able to sustain it in the long run.
alright.
psychology has opened up these questions to me. there are definitions, but how do they help me in feeling better about myself? how do they explain the mental journey that i have had so far in my 20+ years of living? i've definitely traveled, haven't i?
egocentrism takes a while to shake off. so does superficiality. i mean, we are visual people, possibly more visual than ever in the 21st century, with so much of information coming in through our eyes. reading, looking at slides, watching videos, calculating...
the stress is there, but it helps that i'm doing something unpleasant to handle it. i'm making progress. i just hope progress isn't always as painful as this. in an ideal world, it shouldn't be. people would be able to be specialised and take care of the things that they want to (or maybe that they're good at). okay this is a strange idea.
back to studying i guess. not much to say about maturity. i want to keep living. i want to keep feeling this, and i never want the passion to run out. i want to find new things to be passionate and happy about, that fire me up strongly enough to keep me going for ever. it might sound a bit dependent, but it's probably the truth: everyone needs to fight and strive for something they believe in. they have to take every step thinking that it counts, if not, they wouldn't be able to sustain it in the long run.
alright.
Thursday, January 09, 2014
The Beginning of Stress
the workload is getting to me.
on top of that, so many other duties and tasks to do. it really, really prevents you from thinking long-term, and that's what i dislike most.
the course outlines are like stepping over a minefield. so many ways to fail, to get marked down, to get marks taken off. urgh this reminds me yet again of JC - meaningless academic deathtraps.
Sociology.
Psychology.
Economics.
BGS.
AS.
these are my modules, and i have to study for each and every one of them. accumulate enough knowledge about each of them to pass the final exam. and worry about them along the way to get various tasks done, like a monkey jumping through hoops.
maybe one way to stop seeing this as a minefield is to acknowledge and see the value behind each task, adding up to the sum of its parts (greater than the whole).
TGIF, TGIF.
Nobody likes to but I really like to cry
Nobody likes me
Maybe if I cry
on top of that, so many other duties and tasks to do. it really, really prevents you from thinking long-term, and that's what i dislike most.
the course outlines are like stepping over a minefield. so many ways to fail, to get marked down, to get marks taken off. urgh this reminds me yet again of JC - meaningless academic deathtraps.
Sociology.
Psychology.
Economics.
BGS.
AS.
these are my modules, and i have to study for each and every one of them. accumulate enough knowledge about each of them to pass the final exam. and worry about them along the way to get various tasks done, like a monkey jumping through hoops.
maybe one way to stop seeing this as a minefield is to acknowledge and see the value behind each task, adding up to the sum of its parts (greater than the whole).
TGIF, TGIF.
Nobody likes to but I really like to cry
Nobody likes me
Maybe if I cry
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
Monday, January 06, 2014
First Day
well, today i don't really have much to talk about.
i attended a lesson in school, my first sociology lesson for the semester. it's a great class and the teacher is brilliant, but i ended up dreading sociology quite a bit. not due to the content directly, but more of the evaluations and tests and requirements of the course that sound really demanding. i want to start on it now, but...people aren't ready and we don't even really know what sociology entails or wants. that makes it impossible to write a satisfying piece of work, or, i mean, to begin directing and planning a piece of work that will culminate in 13 weeks. yep.
so. hung out with david today, enjoyed myself a bit at lunch, although could've enjoyed myself better if i was fully awake then lol. my energy peaked during class today, and then slowly went downhill from 9.30pm onwards. now it's zombie mode.
Edit:
so remember what you have told yourself.
just focus on reading and making notes about each week's readings.
it's easy and natural to you.
after this, everything else will fall into place, because you have a good foundation.
you can read and have friends and live a normal life.
i attended a lesson in school, my first sociology lesson for the semester. it's a great class and the teacher is brilliant, but i ended up dreading sociology quite a bit. not due to the content directly, but more of the evaluations and tests and requirements of the course that sound really demanding. i want to start on it now, but...people aren't ready and we don't even really know what sociology entails or wants. that makes it impossible to write a satisfying piece of work, or, i mean, to begin directing and planning a piece of work that will culminate in 13 weeks. yep.
so. hung out with david today, enjoyed myself a bit at lunch, although could've enjoyed myself better if i was fully awake then lol. my energy peaked during class today, and then slowly went downhill from 9.30pm onwards. now it's zombie mode.
Edit:
so remember what you have told yourself.
just focus on reading and making notes about each week's readings.
it's easy and natural to you.
after this, everything else will fall into place, because you have a good foundation.
you can read and have friends and live a normal life.
Sunday, January 05, 2014
Weakness and Religion
been speaking to a few of my friends about religion. the topic just came up randomly, but they all had different and interesting views about religion that i want to share here.
Keith, avoiding the topic, said that religion is a personal experience that is difficult to explain to others without them experiencing it firsthand. this was an argument examining why religion and religious experience is so difficult to disseminate and spread in the modern world.
Keith's girlfriend (i forget her name), said that religion was for the weak, and that it was a tool for those with less morals to abide by to get them to follow the law and civil society.
Kashish had a mish-mash of the two.
my view shares some sentiments with the "weak" argument, but in a less derogatory fashion. if we call others weak, are we not implying that we are strong? thus, i feel that religion is for the "weaker" of us, but that does not mean that we can judge them based on this, for all of us are still weak. what is important to know and remember, is that religion is simply a social group, a structure created and adhered to by the "weaker" who need to have hope, who need a reason to hope and strive on in life. these people who are "weaker" may be in their weak situation by circumstance, and they do not have the energy to carry on. thus, clinging on to an external symbol may be the only way for them to continue living. in this context, then calling them "weaker" may also be a misnomer (!). in a way, we who have all the comforts of life may have no need for religion, but those who do not may view it as an indispensable part of their life. why it has this effect on them can be explained psychologically, but i will not venture my hypothesis here as it is tangential, but i definitely have an opinion about this as well.
speaking more about my thoughts about religion, think of a group marginalised in wider society at the moment, such as the LGBT. they, too, form school clubs and band together to practice and bounce around their ideas about their own identity and their place in society. likewise, in my university there is a catholic club. assuming that most university students are not religious, the religious ones have to band together to find like-minded people to hang around with. this is fine. the main problem with religion and the religious nowadays (or maybe we've just begun noticing this recently, rather than before) is that they have an almost antagonistic belief and view towards some of those that do not subscribe to them, and they act to cause harm to those same people. the imposition of these beliefs and worldviews are the problem, that should be stopped. groups that advocate coexistence are fine. groups that impose on others are not fine.
two other issues raised:
1. fundamentally, is religion flawed as an outlook? if all religions tell their followers to "spread" the belief, is it in fact a parasitic, expansionist and imperialist philosophy that is immoral? (note that this in itself fuels the debate about the existence of an absolute morality)
2. if we accept that a part of religion and religious belief is this form of evangelism and conversion, then would it be wrong for its followers to not act on this? is it truly possible for religion to still hold this principle of evangelism while remaining civil and not imposing itself on any other groups or people?
Keith, avoiding the topic, said that religion is a personal experience that is difficult to explain to others without them experiencing it firsthand. this was an argument examining why religion and religious experience is so difficult to disseminate and spread in the modern world.
Keith's girlfriend (i forget her name), said that religion was for the weak, and that it was a tool for those with less morals to abide by to get them to follow the law and civil society.
Kashish had a mish-mash of the two.
my view shares some sentiments with the "weak" argument, but in a less derogatory fashion. if we call others weak, are we not implying that we are strong? thus, i feel that religion is for the "weaker" of us, but that does not mean that we can judge them based on this, for all of us are still weak. what is important to know and remember, is that religion is simply a social group, a structure created and adhered to by the "weaker" who need to have hope, who need a reason to hope and strive on in life. these people who are "weaker" may be in their weak situation by circumstance, and they do not have the energy to carry on. thus, clinging on to an external symbol may be the only way for them to continue living. in this context, then calling them "weaker" may also be a misnomer (!). in a way, we who have all the comforts of life may have no need for religion, but those who do not may view it as an indispensable part of their life. why it has this effect on them can be explained psychologically, but i will not venture my hypothesis here as it is tangential, but i definitely have an opinion about this as well.
speaking more about my thoughts about religion, think of a group marginalised in wider society at the moment, such as the LGBT. they, too, form school clubs and band together to practice and bounce around their ideas about their own identity and their place in society. likewise, in my university there is a catholic club. assuming that most university students are not religious, the religious ones have to band together to find like-minded people to hang around with. this is fine. the main problem with religion and the religious nowadays (or maybe we've just begun noticing this recently, rather than before) is that they have an almost antagonistic belief and view towards some of those that do not subscribe to them, and they act to cause harm to those same people. the imposition of these beliefs and worldviews are the problem, that should be stopped. groups that advocate coexistence are fine. groups that impose on others are not fine.
two other issues raised:
1. fundamentally, is religion flawed as an outlook? if all religions tell their followers to "spread" the belief, is it in fact a parasitic, expansionist and imperialist philosophy that is immoral? (note that this in itself fuels the debate about the existence of an absolute morality)
2. if we accept that a part of religion and religious belief is this form of evangelism and conversion, then would it be wrong for its followers to not act on this? is it truly possible for religion to still hold this principle of evangelism while remaining civil and not imposing itself on any other groups or people?
Saturday, January 04, 2014
Singing
i like singing. i really do.
i have been singing from as early on as i can remember. don't ask me what about it attracts me, it's...everything.
i haven't tried songwriting though. i will probably get around to doing it sometime.
the world might be different if i had become a singer. ah, who knows what the future might bring.
i have been singing from as early on as i can remember. don't ask me what about it attracts me, it's...everything.
i haven't tried songwriting though. i will probably get around to doing it sometime.
the world might be different if i had become a singer. ah, who knows what the future might bring.
Friday, January 03, 2014
XO
actually, no. the post is darker than the superficial suggestiveness of the title.
it's 4am. this is usually the time when i can really think. and sometimes, during these times, my insecurities and worries for the future surface. it's a good thing - sometimes i'm too caught up in deliriousness to see the facts that're staring me right in the face.
so enough with that self-conscious reflection. time to get down to the meat.
should i post an SMU confession about meeting more gay guys, like what keith and edison have suggested? should i close my mind off to psychology as it's "too jargonistic"? does making lists of to-do things help in doing them? have i burnt out, or am i going to burn out soon, or am i going to be burnt out if i continue studying and making notes this way? or should i slack off with adel's notes? should i drop one of my tuition slots? should i reconsider going to the UK for exchange in year 3/4? should i have gone to the AGM today? ah, so many things that i still don't know. i know that i should enjoy this whole process of not knowing, but sometimes the uncertainties just pile up into one huge mess that snowballs around and around in my head.
okay then time to sleep, and hopefully something clicks about something tomorrow.
goodnight world. sleep tight. keep dreaming.
it's 4am. this is usually the time when i can really think. and sometimes, during these times, my insecurities and worries for the future surface. it's a good thing - sometimes i'm too caught up in deliriousness to see the facts that're staring me right in the face.
so enough with that self-conscious reflection. time to get down to the meat.
should i post an SMU confession about meeting more gay guys, like what keith and edison have suggested? should i close my mind off to psychology as it's "too jargonistic"? does making lists of to-do things help in doing them? have i burnt out, or am i going to burn out soon, or am i going to be burnt out if i continue studying and making notes this way? or should i slack off with adel's notes? should i drop one of my tuition slots? should i reconsider going to the UK for exchange in year 3/4? should i have gone to the AGM today? ah, so many things that i still don't know. i know that i should enjoy this whole process of not knowing, but sometimes the uncertainties just pile up into one huge mess that snowballs around and around in my head.
okay then time to sleep, and hopefully something clicks about something tomorrow.
goodnight world. sleep tight. keep dreaming.
In the darkest night hour (In the darkest night hour)
I'll search through the crowd (I'll search through the crowd)
Your face is all that I see
I'll give you everything
Baby love me lights out
Wednesday, January 01, 2014
Writing and The New Year
okay so it's been a while.
my psychology textbook says that writing for a few minutes each day will help calmness and soothe the little traumas that happen every day, so here goes.
it will be topic-focused, hence there will be titles (mainly to keep myself from going off-topic, which is VERY likely).
the new year symbolises a fresh beginning. dates and years and time itself is immaterial and unimportant, because The New Year is a symbol, not so much a significant time in itself. the world still turns and leap years and everything make calculations inaccurate. so the symbol of the New Year is something that holds the most power.
for a fresh beginning, i guess one thing that i would like to change for the better is my direction in life. specifically, my future career and how i'm going to get my personal life together. where should i live? how do i get there? when should i start planning my journey for? all these questions just come together and nudge me in the head from time to time. the challenge is holding on to these dreams and hopes and thoughts and not letting the everyday distract me from them. more positively, i should see the everyday as stepping stones to enable me to reach those goals. i don't want to be stuck in a rut where i've reached a point in life where i don't know how i got there or what i'm going to do next, or when everything just hits me suddenly that i've gone down the wrong path or that i haven't done enough (the former being the bigger problem because for the latter, we still have time, and 2-3 years more to achieve the dream isn't that big a deal).
i have to start with a fresh approach to meeting guys as well. like what kashish said (and secretly, i've probably been saying that to myself too, just that he made it clear and gave me an impetus on what to do), i should start KNOWING who the gay guys in my university are. at least just knowing who they are would give me something to work with or to start on. that means coming out to more people, which isn't without its own risks. but honestly, it's worth it for what might come out of it. someone to love and who loves me back.
the situation with my parents? it's slowly, glacially deteriorating. well the ceasefire is not without its costs. i can feel the patience and the cover-ups slowly wearing thin. but...maybe this is the only option left, since ben said that the best thing that i can do right now is to let it hang. because they're stubborn. i guess that's where i get it from. heh. knowing that you're selfish isn't as bad as not knowing and still being it. so...this new year, the relationship with my parents i hope to get better, but i am still at a loss on how to bring it about. we shall see.
apart from those major things, studying is less pressing and i shall keep doing (or try to) what i have been doing all this time in university, for it is paying off and i see its results. although i'm not sure whether all that is worth it - it made me realise that i don't place much importance on grades. but if i don't put importance there, then where does it go? need to figure this out as well. friendships? resume-worthy activities? something else?
hmm. looks like writing really helps you sort out your thoughts and dig deeper into me as a person. i just hope i don't become like papa, who moralises everything towards the same point of view. it's nearsighted and not accepting of contraries.
timo~
my psychology textbook says that writing for a few minutes each day will help calmness and soothe the little traumas that happen every day, so here goes.
it will be topic-focused, hence there will be titles (mainly to keep myself from going off-topic, which is VERY likely).
the new year symbolises a fresh beginning. dates and years and time itself is immaterial and unimportant, because The New Year is a symbol, not so much a significant time in itself. the world still turns and leap years and everything make calculations inaccurate. so the symbol of the New Year is something that holds the most power.
for a fresh beginning, i guess one thing that i would like to change for the better is my direction in life. specifically, my future career and how i'm going to get my personal life together. where should i live? how do i get there? when should i start planning my journey for? all these questions just come together and nudge me in the head from time to time. the challenge is holding on to these dreams and hopes and thoughts and not letting the everyday distract me from them. more positively, i should see the everyday as stepping stones to enable me to reach those goals. i don't want to be stuck in a rut where i've reached a point in life where i don't know how i got there or what i'm going to do next, or when everything just hits me suddenly that i've gone down the wrong path or that i haven't done enough (the former being the bigger problem because for the latter, we still have time, and 2-3 years more to achieve the dream isn't that big a deal).
i have to start with a fresh approach to meeting guys as well. like what kashish said (and secretly, i've probably been saying that to myself too, just that he made it clear and gave me an impetus on what to do), i should start KNOWING who the gay guys in my university are. at least just knowing who they are would give me something to work with or to start on. that means coming out to more people, which isn't without its own risks. but honestly, it's worth it for what might come out of it. someone to love and who loves me back.
the situation with my parents? it's slowly, glacially deteriorating. well the ceasefire is not without its costs. i can feel the patience and the cover-ups slowly wearing thin. but...maybe this is the only option left, since ben said that the best thing that i can do right now is to let it hang. because they're stubborn. i guess that's where i get it from. heh. knowing that you're selfish isn't as bad as not knowing and still being it. so...this new year, the relationship with my parents i hope to get better, but i am still at a loss on how to bring it about. we shall see.
apart from those major things, studying is less pressing and i shall keep doing (or try to) what i have been doing all this time in university, for it is paying off and i see its results. although i'm not sure whether all that is worth it - it made me realise that i don't place much importance on grades. but if i don't put importance there, then where does it go? need to figure this out as well. friendships? resume-worthy activities? something else?
hmm. looks like writing really helps you sort out your thoughts and dig deeper into me as a person. i just hope i don't become like papa, who moralises everything towards the same point of view. it's nearsighted and not accepting of contraries.
timo~
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