To Sergio

Dear Sergio,

Your leaving came as a shock to me, a complete shock. i was in front of my computer, just using facebook like any other office worker does, when i saw something that was roughly translated as words for loss, from your friends on your facebook page. that one thing was enough to get me thinking, and i looked closer - and i saw the news, that it was real.

it struck me hard. i don't know why. i only saw you a year ago, for five months, when we were living together side by side in Poulteney Court, that wonderful domestic quiet country-style dorm surrounded by country houses. we overlooked the garden, it was small, but enough for a decent view.

i remember us walking around Bath on a whim. i remember walking all the way to the canal, hesitating to go down to the river because that would mean that we would have to walk back up again. i remember seeing a commotion, that a rugby match was going on. i remember stopping by the local market doorway and promising to see a jazz tribute to Billie Holiday advertised by a flyer. i remember meeting you in the dorm corridors, with its blue cheap carpet, under flourescent lights, with your genuine smile on your face that was kind of attractive in a harmless way. i remember wondering if you could hear me through the thin wall that separated our rooms. i remember how you taught me about mexico, that it wasn't such a dangerous place, and i remember you taught me about making food, and bringing out the best guacamole i ever tasted, maybe it tasted that way because i knew it was homemade by you. i remember seeing you in the kitchen sometimes, because you always ate at strange hours to me. i remember you scoffing at my breakfast burritos and showing me how to wrap one up nicely, which i did every day after that.

i remember you teaching me that it was possible to walk up to the University at the top of the hill, and that opened my mind up to doing it every once in a while too. i don't remember if we ever walked up together, but i think we did, and that comforts me. i hope you enjoyed Bath as much as I did. i don't know where you are now.

i know that you wanted to be a teacher of language, to teach English back in Mexico. you had that going for you, safe in your corner of the world, and content, which i respected, and envied a little.

i don't know why i'm writing this down, i think it's a way of saying goodbye. i remember so much about you, even when i thought i wasn't that close to you. you seemed a little lonely, but i thought you would be alright in life. i don't know how you died, i want to know, but then again i don't know if its relevant, because i don't feel it's relevant at all in the grander scheme of things. i just know that you've moved on.

my heart aches whenever i think of you. it's easy to remove you from my mind, but i feel that it's disrespecting you if i do, because you were my friend in a foreign country, and friends are hard to come by in those situations. you were a friend, a good one, one that i could come back to every day knowing that you would be there.

i had hoped that our goodbye on the last day, when i was pulling along my luggage bag, wasn't the last one, but i guess it was. that hurts to say. i hope you are serene and at peace, in the vast embrace of nonexistence.

sending lots of love to wherever you are,
timo

so...i'm writing this because i want to get back into the academic style of reflection and penning my thoughts down.

also because this is a break for me while reading my notes (Health Psychology).

i find the issue i have with psychology is that i don't know what to remember.

these are the aspects that i find separate to remember:
1. the descriptions of the studies. this includes the number of participants, the method, the results.
2. the names of the people who did the study.
3. the names of the studies.
4. the overall facts - these change every few years and it's so tiring to learn something only to know that it's changed. but i guess that's life and knowledge, right? that's science. but ugh, for me, a person that only takes details when i feel like they help me achieve an end goal, all these "facts" just seem like irrelevant details ultimately. how do i get past this?
5. what is the point of reading so much when i don't know what questions these answer? what are the big questions that i have to answer?

two thoughts:

no three

1. sia - the girl you lost to cocaine. sometimes i feel this way about ben - i'm just taking care of a person. i feel like i'm forced into the role of caretaker and un-fun partner just because ben is brave or reckless enough to not be in control. i want to get back to the real me. the me that's fun, that enjoys life my way. i can't do that with ben not being an adult. what is being an adult? planning and knowing where you're going, so that you can enjoy the moment and steal this very moment for yourself and your loved ones. hmm. example...finances always feel unstable and unsteady? life feels very one-step-at-a-time, not planning for housing or anything. hmm or maybe it's me just getting the feeling of being an adult. maybe ben has already thought these things through and isn't letting it affect him. maybe i'm the one feeling the stress, not him. he always says to trust him more. well, i'm not giving up on that fight, until he shows me that he can be trusted.

2. i'm sick of reviews that talk about anything except the content of the thing that they're supposed to be reviewing. e.g. some movie reviewers, lots of pitchfork reviewers. they talk about the artist, their preceding style, and then the other things that the artist does. this is okay except that if you don't contextualise these things in terms of the current artwork, it's all meaningless and doesn't serve to justify your score for the artwork at all. basically, we need the EVIDENCE.

3. the NUS orientation games controversy about sexual harrassment. a lot of the people who have responded respond with things like "not all _____" or "what about this other thing _____". to them i say WHAT THE FUCK. you sound just like the #AllLivesMatter fucktards or the people complaining about reverse racism. read this comic.



basically, the issue is there. it's pressing and people are getting upset. fix it. stop justifying it with other things. this issue is urgent, and it's frankly unbecoming of a 21st century society and youth generation to deny or attempt to justify this. there is social upheaval and societal change. it should start with the think tanks, the universities, where the fresh blood is. come on singaporean young people. i believe in you to make this change among yourselves. to see that this is happening due to society's views of women's morality. and to change it such that women who are feeling this way are treated with respect and their views taken seriously (with thorough examination and evidence). to see that these women are unable to back out of these "games" due to peer pressure and expectations, which in turn come from wider society. these watered-down versions of misogyny need to stop here, at our universities and our schools and our NS military. it has to stop here.

i'll leave the whole "but universities are for DIVERSITY of views!" argument to another time. there are too many angles for that and opinions tend to be subjective, mine included.

hehe, i just realised, my blog's name is the name of a blue-red premade deck. =D

reflecting on my previous post -
1. i've stopped going to the gym for 2 months lol. time to get back to it. hindered by this silly scalp thing.
2. i haven't made time for art. but yoga and meditation could be the thing i'm looking for.
3. Joanna Newsom's new album (Divers) came out and it's fantastic. makes me rethink Have One On Me.

i have so many things i want to ask psychologist mentors. i wish i had one.
1. with the number of impressive papers in the field, how do you not get intimidated? how do you find something new to research?
2. how do i even start to approach psychologists?
3. what do i do with this senior thesis thing? my plans aren't falling together as i expected.
4. i anticipate being very emotionally exhausted. does this really happen? how often? can i get through it? is this right for me?

i think i need more art and vegetables in my life.

something tells me that i need to get away from the rat race. the rat race is making me physically react to it. i can't really do much to help it.

but vegetables and art are two things that tell you to "chill out". art is like vegetables for the soul. it's a little hard to get into, but they give you wonderful things after.

and it's more zen than ever because these things have to be taken on the regular, over time. it's not like a laxative that you can pop in your coffee and have its effects felt immediately.

art can't be saturated. i've listened too many times to Have One On Me that it doesn't feel organic any more. maybe it isn't meant to be felt that way. but Pleasantry, even though they aren't breaking much new musical ground, is scattering and shattering my emotional state. it's making me relax. it's making me ascend, but at the same time i'm brought back with new vigour.

here's to living healthy. gym has been going well for me, 3 years-ish now, without a hitch. exercise, art, and vegetables. i even bought my own chicken breast to cook for dinner just now.

Ben is lovely, thanks for asking. i hope i'll be happy enough without him at the exchange. separation is difficult. living alone is difficult. well, those thoughts don't have to be. i have to get back to my semestral work. ah.

art and vegetables. =)

my new computer is here. it's gorgeous. and amazing. it feels like i finally have an electronic companion that is really worthy of my effort and time.

i'm writing this mainly because i want to get a further feel of the typing of the keyboard. but the topic today is about my thesis.

i've started thinking about it more often now because of the lab that i'm working at. my first internship. it's like a dream. a tiring, bizarre dream that doesn't really seem to end at the end of the day. it kind of just continues, dreamlike, into my home and then back again on the bus to work the next day. strange feeling. maybe probably due to the nagging tiredness i feel constantly since starting work on wednesday? (it's friday now. tmr's pinkdot 2015.)

well. i'm reading about doing up a thesis and compiling a list of practical articles that would help me manage writing the thesis well. it seems like it's going to be very emotionally draining. i wonder why.

i think the experience of going through the internship will help me. working is very different from studying. it feels more relaxed and more panicky at the same time. no one will chase you for work, but you have to do SOMETHING to keep yourself attractive and busy to the firm that hires you. so everyone is half keen and half exhausted. i dunno, maybe it's just my subjective interpretation. i must admit, it has been kind of a culture shock entering an actual workplace. the people are brilliant though. they are just magnificent and i couldn't have asked for a friendlier, more open workplace to start with.

so. my thesis. yeah. i wonder if i'm doing the right thing. i wonder if i did the right thing heading to SMU for my degree. but yeah, time will tell. and as long as i keep my head up and stay positive about my options, i should be doing above average. =)

time to read that Umberto Eco book. goodnight world.

i think college and school gives you a controlled, directed environment to work in. consequences are that you feel busy, more purposeful, and more energetic getting things constructively done, but the flip side is that you don't really have time to slow down, to think about what REALLY drives you in life, and what you must do to drive yourself onwards. for starters, finding a job that really keeps you going. it's going to be a marathon, and not necessarily a super happy one all the time, but at least you will be rewarded with the feeling of a hard-earned happiness and purpose. one that you accomplished by yourself, all the way from the start. the initiative you put in will really startle you at the end. and then you will feel connected and contributing to the world. whether in truths, in science, or in administration.
forget bankers. i don't think they're at the stage now to actually prize the right things. maybe once upon a time they did. and then the love of money came into the picture and fucked everything upside down. not literally of course.

I had to break myself to carry on
No love and no admission
Take this from me tonight
Oh, let's fight
Oh, let's fight
Oh, let's fight
Oh

And oh, oh, oh
I was a king under your control
And oh, oh, oh
I wanna feel like you've let me go
So let me go

- Years & Years, "King"

And oh my love remind me, what was it that I did?
Did I drink too much?
Am I losing touch?
Did I build this ship to wreck?

To wreck, to wreck, to wreck,
Did I build this ship to wreck?