Rejection, my old friend

It's amazing how the present can bring up the past and make it seem so real again.

I was talking with my oldest daughter about her day at school. She told me with excitement about how she got to play in the sandbox, go to the library, and even write a short story about Hazel (our dog). Then I noticed a cloud pass over her face. Her light went out for a minute, and my heart ached for what was going to come next.

"Mommy...no one wants to play with me at recess anymore. Not even my friends. I ask everybody, and nobody wants to play with me."

Oh how this mama's heart hurt at those words!

I dug a little deeper and was able to find out that while she did play by herself at one recess, she played with 2 girl friends during the 2nd recess. They taught her some new tricks on the monkey bars and she was very excited. But the rejection of the first recess was what lingered in her mind.

I relate to those feelings of loneliness more than I'd like. Feelings of rejection have been my friends for a long time. After a while, they became my protection, if you will.

God has been speaking to my heart about friendships lately. About how important they are...how He wants us to walk in community. To be authentic with each other. To bear each other's burdens and share each other's sorrows.

It's hard, starting, or even deepening friendships when you're afraid of being rejected. It's hard to be real when 'real' might not be fun and hip.

But God is teaching me that it is necessary. Community. Fellowship, is necessary. If I take big chances and share my real self, then there may be big rewards. Yes, I might be rejected. But what I'm working on accepting is that I'm here 'on purpose'. God has a plan for me, and even if someone else rejects me, He never will and it's worth the risk.

That's my challenge for myself this month- to go out of my comfort zone to reach out to someone and be real to them. To put myself out there despite the possible cost.

Even if it means that "nobody wants to play with me", I know that my Father in heaven takes great delight in me.

"The Lord your God in your midst,

The Mighty One, will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness,

He will quiet you with His love,

He will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

Wrestling

When I was younger and more full of myself, I read the story of how Jacob wrestled with an angel of God. I remember thinking to myself "What a jerk! How could someone wrestle with God? They must be prideful and arrogant. And then to say "I'm not letting go until you bless me?"! I can't even imagine!"

Fast forward ten years or so to a morning last week. Upon waking, I felt sore all over and emotionally drained. My husband was in our room getting ready for the day. "Honey," I muttered sleepily "I feel like I was up all night wrestling with God."

Oh, how I am like Jacob!

I am changing things in my life right now. I'm working on losing weight, changing my eating, and craving God more than food or approval. And I'll tell you...it's hard. Unbelievably hard.

You'd think it would be easy, right? To do what is good, what is honorable, what is right. Even though I know this in my head, I still wrestle. I wrestle with God when I try to take my negative thoughts captive. I wrestle with God when I really want to eat the brownies that I just pulled out of the oven for small group tonight. I wrestle with God when all I want to do is lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself and He tells me "take care of the family I blessed you with."

I think I wrestle with the enemy as well. I hear his voice hissing in my ear when I start to think about what I deserve. I can feel him trying to pull me down when I'm striving to be more like Jesus.

It's not easy.

Today, for example. Our small group from church is meeting tonight and Mondays have become one of our hardest days. My husband and I tell each other "Remember, it's Monday" before he leaves in the morning. Mondays seem to be the day for missed appointments, grumpy children, a naughty puppy, messy house-you get the picture.

Last night was a rough night in our home- my husband is sick right now and has been since August. It's a very frustrating, challenging thing that we're trying to get through as joyfully as possible, but last night was especially hard. Because of his illness, among other things, he is having swollen, painful joints. He was hobbling around with a hurt ankle for a week or so, then the other ankle, then his wrist, and last night his back was spasming. He had just gotten Zach out of the tub and had to call for me to come get him. I love my husband and it hurts to see him like this. It hurts to not be able to help him. And, if I'm honest, I don't know that I'm strong enough to do this all on my own, while he's struggling through this illness.

Today I've been e-mailing with a sweet friend who recently had a miscarriage. I was telling her my stories in the chance that they would bring her hope. But while writing them, I could hear the enemy whispering in my ear "See? You've been through so much already...you deserve more. You deserve health and happiness now. You deserve sunshiney days and happy times, not all this heartache and stress. What is God doing for you?"

So I wrestle. I wrestle because I want to know God more. I wrestle because I want the truth...not lies. Truth that comes from knowing God in an intimate way through struggles and not believing the lies of "I deserve." I wrestle because I want to break free from these chains of food, approval, even parental nurturing from my husband, and to live in freedom. I wrestle because I want to find the joy in each day and to go to bed knowing that maybe God would say "Well done, Renee...well, done."

I press on. I wrestle. I take thoughts captive. I try to resist food that would be bad for me. I attempt to be patient with my children. I try to be sensitive and loving to my husband. And I don't want to let go until He blesses me, even if that happens in Heaven.

Weight Loss Wednesday

"You told them the number? Do other people actually put the number????"

I told my husband that I started doing 'Weight Loss Wednesdays' for accountability, and the above is his response when I told him that I posted my starting weight. He meant it innocently enough, but his comment was enough to make me nervous. Did I do something wrong? Did I put too much out there? Did I offend someone, or go somewhere I shouldn't have?

My answer, for myself, is "no". Yes, the number I started from is embarrassing. Yes, it might make someone uncomfortable. But one thing that I am learning on my journey of craving God and not food is that "I am not defined by the number on the scale." So why should it bother me what other people think about that number? It's not who I am.

I'm reading Lysa Terkeurst's 'Made to Crave' right now and it is changing me. God is working through my eating habits and thoughts about food and He is making me a new creation. If I'm honest with you I'll tell you that it doesn't always feel good...like the time I called my husband crying because I really wanted to go through McD's and get their chocolate chip cookies. Or when I missed small group on Monday night to stay home and cuddle a baby with an ear infection and was counting on hubby to bring home some dinner for me (they had roast...my mouth was watering for it all day), but neither he nor the person who cooked remembered and so I had to eat a couple of slices of canadian bacon instead. Or when we were at a friends' house and Becca says "We have Oreo cookies, but daddy keeps them in his car while he's at work so that mommy doesn't eat them all." (This is true by the way, and suggested by me, not my husband.)

The point is- for this week anyway, food did not control me. I didn't think about food all day (except maybe that roast), I didn't overeat and regret it later, and I practiced self-control. This is a huge victory for me! I should end this post right there and say that this last week was a success, because the rest doesn't matter so much. Regardless of what the scale said, I had a victorious week, with God's help. We even keep the Oreos in the pantry now and I am able to dole them out to the kids without eating them myself. (This is a BIG victory!)

But to be consistent...I also happened to lose 2.5 lbs. Thank you Lord!

Weight Loss Wednesday

This is a first for me, this thing called 'Weight Loss Wednesday'.

I'm realizing though, that I do much better when I am held accountable. When I take the things that I would like to keep in the dark, hidden, and bring them into light to be seen. If I have to tell people where I'm at, it makes it real.

So...here goes.

When I started my most recent weight loss journey I started at (I can't tell you how embarrassed I am to admit this) 194.5 lbs. I'm 5'5, and was very firmly set in the 'obese' category.

Today the scale greeted me with a number that still shames me, but that tells me I'm on my way. 182. I've lost 12.5 lbs since the beginning of February. In over 2 months, I've lost 12 lbs. Part of me wants to celebrate, and another part wants to hang my head in shame for letting myself get here in the first place.

I told myself that it was okay...that being pregnant 5 times in 3 years did me in. That anyone else in my place would have done the same.

Whatever the reason, it's where I am.

I'm reading Lysa Terkeurst's 'Made to Crave' right now and I love it. It's freeing me. The truth she is helping me see has set me free enough to write this post. Because one day soon, the numbers won't define me. Who I am, in Christ, doesn't depend on the scale.

So, there you have it. Happy Wednesday!

Eating cement

I'm no expert on cement. In fact, I tried googling it to see how it's made, but I'm so tired it doesn't make sense to me. But it sounds like a good analogy so I'm going with it. About 2 months ago I started on an food/emotional awareness/weight loss journey. I've tried so many different things over the last few years, and while some of them helped me to feel better, I didn't lose weight. Then, while reading up on nutritional healing for my husband, I found some interesting information. I can't remember it exactly right now, but I read that white flour and sugar can cause migraines, anxiety, depression, and fatigue. These were things I was struggling with regularly, so my attention was captured. I did some research and decided that the 'South Beach Diet' would work for me. They eliminate sugar and white flour, and you're supposed to lose weight. What's wrong with that? The first two weeks (Phase 1) were wonderful for me. I totally eliminated all sugar and white flour and I felt amazing! I literally felt as if I had energy coursing through my veins. I accomplished so much those first 2 weeks! I lost 10 lbs too, so I was pretty excited about that. Since those first two weeks, it's been a struggle for me. I'm supposed to introduce whole grains and natural sugars into my diet gradually, and I'm learning just how careful I need to me. Something is triggered in me when I eat 1 or 2 carby tasties. Be it crackers, cookies, bread, cake...you name it...I can't stop eating! I would literally eat a whole cake. Once I take those first couple bites of something sugary/carby, I'm done for. And the hardest thing for me is what it does to my body. Not just the fat...I don't like that, but I've gotten used to it. It's the fatigue. When I eat sugar, it feels like I just ate cement. One minute I'm happily eating something yummy, then I'm eating more...then I can feel my body start to slow down. My eyes get droopy. My breathing becomes more difficult. I...just...don't...have...the...energy to do anything but lie down and nap. The thing is, now I know why I feel that way. So you think it would be easy for me to stop, right? All moms want to have energy to take care of their kids, enjoy their kids, and clean the house, do laundry, and fix meals, right? Oh how I wish it were that easy. Even though I know the consequences, I still reach for that first chip. That first animal cracker (hey-I'm a mom!). And then I regret it later. I've seen too, how this same thought applies to my spiritual life. If I keep away from the 'woe is me', 'why am I going through this right now' thinking, I usually do pretty good. But throw in a rough day, and all it takes is one selfish, negative thought, and all of a sudden it's as if cement was poured on my prayer life. It becomes sluggish...and takes a nap, if you will. With food, I'm finding that I just really need to pay attention to what foods affect me in that way, and which are okay. I can eat rice and whole grain toast, but not crackers by themselves, or even pretzels. I can have a hot dog, but not the bun. If I eat the bun, I want to take a nap. My prayer for today is that God shows me which thoughts to stay away from, and which thoughts are the good for me thoughts. The avocados of my spiritual life, if you will.

Sunny Saturday

God is doing a new thing in me. God is doing a new thing in me! For too long I've been held captive by negative thinking (a friend likes to call it 'stinkin thinkin'). My mind is constantly caught in a vicious cycle of worry, doubt, anxiety, fear, and, if I'm honest, lies. But God is doing a new thing in me. He is setting me free! Now, as we speak, my heart feels lighter than it has in years. When those thoughts start, when I can feel that cycle begin, I remind myself of my verse for the year (for life, maybe). "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, -if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things....and the peace of God will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9 It's amazing to me, the idea of taking thoughts captive, but what a freeing thing to do! The power and freedom in Jesus is overwhelming to me. That said...I am enjoying my freedom today. This Saturday is a day pregnant with possibilities. Fun to be had. Memories to be made. People to serve. -My husband is at a men's breakfast at church. He's being challenged to be a better father, husband, and man of God. He's there because he desires to be, and I'm happy that he's there with other Christian men. -We're going to my MSU baseball game today! Their coach is in our small group and we've gotten to know him and his family well. It's a privilege to be able to go and cheer his team on. We're blessed too, because another family from our small group will be joining us. Fun! (AND...it's supposed to be 65-woo-hoo!) -I'm working tonight! My job is a blessing...I get paid for something I would volunteer to do. I am blessed to be able to be very involved in the children's ministry at our church. I get to go in tonight and be God's hands and feet to the families and children that come into our ministry. God's children are such a joy! -At home date night! One of the traditions that Andy I have developed is one I love. On Saturday nights after I get home from work, we make Short Stop's delicious date night fajita nachos.

Today I'm standing with my arms and eyes open to receive the blessings that God is giving me. And I'm fixing my mind on whatever is good...whatever is lovely...

Thank you for this Sunny Saturday!!

Sister-friends

Sister-friends. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Maybe if you are fortunate enough to have a sister who is also your friend, these words have a different meaning to you. For me, these words relate to certain friends in my life who, because of the depth of our friendship, are like sisters to me. In my world, a sister-friend is a friend who has weathered enough with me that our friendship isn't even a choice anymore. Not being friends, not being a part of each others' lives is not an option. Friends who I can call when I'm afraid I'm going to lose it with my kids. Friends who I can call when something incredibly embarrassing happened to me and I'm afraid to tell anybody else. Friends who I can call, not say a word, and they will just listen to me cry. I didn't know it at the time, of course, but God blessed me with a sister-friend when I was 7 years old. We met in 2nd grade, had a bumpy road through elementary, middle, high school, and even college (more sister days than friends days during some of that time), and we have now reached our sweet spot. She and I can go a month without talking and then just pick up where we left off. One of my joys today is that I was able to spend a couple of hours with this no nonsense, fun mommy of 4 boys. She lives in another state, but came back to town for the weekend and stopped at my house on the way. She unloaded her van of herself, her 4 boys, and 1 niece, and made herself at home in my home. Our kids played Wii together and laughed. She brought me a basket of flavors of k-cups that she loves and wants me to try so I can see if I love them too. She bounced my baby boy on her knees like only a mom of boys can do, and made him dance around the room with her. It touched my heart in ways I can't even tell you to see this sister-friend of mine, a friend who has endured so much with me and because of me, to be enjoying my children. I enjoyed hers. It was so sweet to see them playing together. Who would have thought? I met another sister-friend in high school. The three of us bonded because of our shared faith. We made memories that will bring us to tears to this day (happy and sad tears). She is the friend I can be myself the most with. She is so much like me, we know what each other is thinking without even saying a word. I am blessed! Last night I found out that she's coming to town this summer for a few weeks with her kids. I'm so excited! Time with her is always good for my soul, and our kids love playing together. There's even talk of the 3 of us getting together. I see lots of laughter and memory sharing in our future! I have other friendships too, that are special and meaningful to me. I have been blessed immeasurably with some wonderful Godly women that have walked this journey by my side. Some, I've known years. Some months. Some I don't talk to anymore, but that doesn't lessen the friendship that we shared at one time. Some have been through dark times with me. Some I see in person, and others I only know on the internet. All are a blessing. What a treasure friendship is!

Whatever is good...

I grew up knowing nothing about myself. If you asked me when I was young what Renee liked, I would quickly assess you and give you the answer that I thought you would like the most. Anything I did, I did because I thought it would help someone to like me. To boost me in someone else's eyes. To help me find a place to fit in. To be accepted. When I was in college, I was talking with a dear friend of mine about my life. She wanted to hear the whole story, the real story. So I told her. All of it. And when I finished, she looked at me and said something that would change my life forever. "Renee, you told me that story as if it happened to someone else." It was at that moment that I realized that I had never dealt with any of the things I went through as a child. I pretended that they did happen to someone else. It was easier that way. This realization sent me on a journey to discover more about myself. The real me. The me that I had become because of the circumstances and environments in which I grew up. And I was disappointed with what I discovered at first. Because I had spent so many years making my likes and dislikes everyone else's, I found that I knew very little about myself. There were very few things that I could own, that I could say "Yes, that sounds like me." 15 years after the start of my journey of self discovery, of getting acquainted with Renee, I'm still amazed at the things I'm finding out. Some good, some bad. All new. I've been praying that God would search me and bring to light things that need to be cleaned out, things that are standing in the way of my becoming the child He wants me to be. It's not a painless process. Recently, I've learned some challenging things about myself. I'm lacking in self-control. I'm very self-focused. I have no discipline, and I worry. A lot. I want to control things, and I think because of what I've already gone through, that I deserve nothing but good things now, regardless of Who they come from. I recently read a book that touched on some of Montessori's teachings. In it, the author talked about how children have windows of opportunities when they're young. These windows are the times when they could learn something easily. Naturally. If certain things aren't learned or developed during these windows, then later in life it will take a sheer act of will to learn. I get this. So much. Today I am deciding to make an act of will. A few acts of will. I am going to start working on my self-discipline. My joyfulness. My patience. My goodness. My kindness. My faithfulness. My gentleness. Sound familiar? They're all fruits of the spirit. Now I know where to start. On my knees. At the cross. At His feet. I know that if I find my approval in Him, that if I make my likes His likes and my dislikes His dislikes that I will find the Renee that I want to be. That said, my goals for the rest of this month are: -To get up early enough in the morning to have quiet time, and to get ready for the day before the kids get up. -To work out at least 5 days a week. -To stick as closely to the South Beach diet as possible because it's when I feel the best. -To look for God moments throughout the day. Gifts from Him to us. I want my eyes and heart to be open to what He's doing. -When I find myself starting to think about myself and everything that's going on, I will redirect my thoughts to Him. To whatever is good. Whatever is lovely. Whatever is just. "Father, I lay who I am at your feet. I ask that you mold me and fill me with You. Help me to find you throughout the day, and help me to reflect You to my family. I pray that our home is a home of prayer. Of peace. A place where you would feel welcome. I pray that I treat my family as if you were sitting in the same room. I pray that I am close enough to you that I mirror you, and your fruits of the spirit are shown in my life."

Strong Enough

A dear friend of mine posted a song on my Faceb**k page the other day. She said it made her think of me...it is called 'Strong Enough' by Matthew West. It was perfect. The chorus goes like this: "I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be. I give up. I'm not strong enough. Hands of mercy won't you cover me. Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough. Strong enough."

I've had all these thoughts in my head over the last week or so of what I would say if/when I started blogging again. How could I make it clever? Not sound too complainy? Of course, when I actually find time to sit down and blog, my mind is blank. Nothing clever comes to mind. The reason that I'm blogging again right now though is not for popularity or for the number of friends who comment...it's to sort through the chaos in my head and heart right now and to have an outlet for my thoughts. Journaling is one of the best ways for me to clear my head and writing takes too long. So I'm just going to write what comes to mind and not worry about how 'popular' it sounds. These are my thoughts.

The last 3 years have been a roller coaster. Everything I thought I knew about myself and my faith has been challenged. My husband and close friends have heard me cry more than ever, and I feel like I'm in a constant state of anxiety/drama. We're in the middle right now of one of the hardest, most stressful times in our marriage/family. Everything is uncertain. Nothing can be taken for granted. Our 'normal' is getting redefined everyday. (And I'm not liking it very much.)

And still, in the midst of this, I hear the truth. "I have a plan for you child. I love you and want you to draw close to me. Nothing else matters. Trust me. All the time."

So I cling. I remember verses about plans and thinking of good things. I focus on my blessings and try to squeeze joy out of whatever I can find.

I was talking to a friend this weekend who is going through a really rough time. Rougher than what I'm going through. And she looked...happy. I asked her how she was doing and she said "I'm doing okay. My circumstances haven't changed, but God is changing me." I pray that this is how I react as well, with such class and faith.

Something to think about tonight...