On the Anvil

Oh, dear friends...

If only there were enough time, and enough words in my brain for me to adequately share everything that has been going on in my heart recently.

I am on the anvil right now, for sure.

My heart, my mind...my life, are in a state of renovation. I am being melted, made into a semi-liquid substance meant to be put into a new mold.

And I'm excited. Excited to see what God is going to do in the next phase of my life. Excited at the growth I see, and the hope that is bursting in me. Excited to share with all of you the whisperings in my heart, once those whisperings find words.

But, not tonight.

Soon.

For now, just a quick recap of the last week or so.

-We had a great Christmas. Crazy, of course, but wonderful.
-My husband turned 40 the day after Christmas. (Wow!)
-We've all been passing a yucky cold around. Our little Becca has had the worst of it-she's been coughing a lot at night. We've been doing a lot of Vicks, and steams.
-I have been able to see my best friends from high school.
-We've been learning a lot about discipline this week, as Becca came into the 'twos' like a lamb, but is going out like a lion.
-We've been house-hunting, and found 2 houses that we really like. Now we're just waiting and praying about our townhouse in CO.
-And Tara, in case you're wondering...I have no new news to report. :) Yet.

I will try to blog tomorrow...I'm tired tonight. But, in case I don't....

Happy New Year!!!!!

Thursday Thoughts

Not that I limit myself to random posts on Thursdays, but I'm really tired today so I'll roll with it.

*Last night was the spa/wax party with some girls from MOPS. It's kind of funny...all day long I was thinking of excuses not to go. I can be a very insecure person, and I just kept thinking that they wouldn't like me, or I'd be intruding, or blah, blah, blah. And then I got a message from this new bloggy friend responding to a question I had asked her about how long it took for her to feel at home after she moved to a new state several years ago. She said that she had a hard time making friends at first, because of the same insecurity issues I struggle with. (Which kind of surprises me, because I always think I'm the only one who struggles like this.) But then she said that she finally had to make the decision that she wanted friends, so she needed to go out and make them. So....inspired by this sweet woman's encouragement (thank you Jenni!), I did it. I stepped out of my comfort zone, and decided to go make friends.

And I think I did.

I didn't get there until about 8:30, but I didn't leave until 1:00. The girl who runs the spa business out of her home would come up and visit, and then she would take someone else down for whatever service they were getting. (she does everything...massages, waxing, facials...she even tints and perms eyelashes!! Jennifer P, I thought of you!) When everyone was done, we all just sat around and talked for a few hours. On one hand, it felt kind of crazy, staying up until 1 am. But then...when you don't get together until 8:30, and this is the only time you have away from kids....no wonder we stay up so late enjoying our girl time!!

We had a great time, and I didn't worry about whether they liked me or not. I just had fun, was myself, and trusted that God would provide friendships for me, if that was His plan. Before I left, there were plans made for a birthday night out, and another spa party coming soon. (Yay!)

*I was supposed to go look at some houses this morning with our realtor (there is one in particular that looks perfect for us, in the pictures), but she only heard back from one other realtor, and we didn't think it was worth me packing up the girls and driving all the way out there, just to see one house. (It wasn't the one house that we really want to see.) Our realtor is going to set up some showings for us after Christmas. We just really want there to be a possible end in sight for us. If we find a house we like, and put a contingent offer on it, then at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Then we just pray that someone rents our townhouse, and it all falls together.

*I have been considering the idea of getting a part time job. I haven't pursued this idea too much yet, because I'm not crazy about working nights and weekends, and not seeing my family very much. If this is what I need to do, then I will, but I've been praying that something else might come up, that would be a blessing to my family.

I read in our church bulletin a few weeks ago that they are looking to hire a part time Nursery Coordinator. I e-mailed the name on the bulletin, and asked if the position was still open. He wrote back and said that it was, so I started getting my resume together. Then, something happened (life?) and I couldn't get into the church to drop it off, and so here it still sits...2 weeks later, and I figured that they had already filled the position. I prayed that if it was a good job for me that something would come up.

Last night, before I left for my girls night, I saw that the guy who is in charge of our children's ministries e-mailed me. He had heard that I was interested in the position, and wanted to talk to me about it. Now, I've never met the guy, but he must have gotten my name from the person I e-mailed originally. So, I wrote him back this morning, and am going to drop off my resume tomorrow morning. We'll see what God does with this situation. He knows better than I do, what's good for myself and my family.

*Becca has been really cute lately. She learns more words everyday, and it's always fun to hear the things that come out of her mouth. Yesterday she was spinning around in the kitchen, and she said "Beh getting busy mommy!" (I think she meant to say 'dizzy'.) The other day she also decided that she wanted to pretend to take a shower, like mommy does. I told her she could pretend, as long as she didn't actually use the soap, or turn on the water. I had to go into the other room to pull Allie out of whatever it was that she had gotten into at the time, and came back to our bathroom to find the door closed. When I opened it, there was Becca, stepping out of the shower, without a stitch of clothing on, and wrapped up in my towel. I guess she really was pretending!!

This morning our hearts hurt a little bit at just how much she understands. Last night we went out to dinner, because there was a showing at this house. And this morning, she knew that we were supposed to go look at houses with our realtor. Now, when we lived at Amy's house, we called it Amy's house, but we thought that might have made it even harder for Becca, so we agreed that when we moved into this house, we would just call it 'our new house', or 'home'. But then this morning, as she was cuddling with her daddy before he left for work, she looked at him with a really sad expression and said "This is somebody's house, daddy? No home?" We told her that it is our home for now, but she still seemed really sad.

*We are leaving tomorrow morning to go to my in-laws for the weekend. We will be celebrating Christmas with them, and coming back here on Christmas Eve, so we can have Christmas Eve as a family (our small family). It should be an interesting weekend. My husband's sisters will be there, so there will be cousins for the girls to play with. I just think that's fun...I didn't grow up with any family to speak of, so it's still a new concept to me to have family to play with. I'm excited for Becca. I'm a little nervous for her too, though. Every time that we've gone to 'Papa & Nana's' house in the last year or so, it has just been us. But this weekend, her cousins Luke & Nathan will be there too, so she will have to share her Papa and Nana. It'll be interesting to see how that all goes.

After we leave tomorrow, I won't be online again until we get home. So.....

Merry Christmas!!!

The Face of God

I often feel unschooled in the ways and verses of the Christian faith. I did not grow up as a believer, and I have yet to have a consistent Christian teacher in my life. I have never really been a part of a Bible study, and I struggle to understand the grand concepts that are laid out before us.



I read posts written by scholarly women like Jennifer, and Jennifer, and I am humbled by their wisdom. I long for the knowledge they possess. I love my God, and I want to know as much as I can about Him.


This does not, however, stop me from starting grandiose thoughts in my head. My problem lies in seeing these thoughts to completion.



So please forgive my elementary knowledge, and bear with me as I try to explain the thoughts bouncing around inside my head.



I have been hearing a lot lately about the face of God. I have never really heard this term before, and I am intrigued by it.



My husband is watching 'The Truth Project' with his co-workers, and they have spent the last few weeks talking about evolution. The video explains that evolution was essentially made up by men who absolutely did not want to look upon the face of God. Rather than acknowledge that there is a Holy God, which is evident in creation, and in the intricacies in each living being, they made up a theory that gave them a way out. A way to turn their faces away from God, and put their faith in something else.



They also talked about a new movement called 'post-modernism'. They described this movement as believing that we are not a part of a grander plan. That history is not connected, and that what we each do today has no effect on what people in the future do. We are each living out our own story, and our story has nothing to do with anybody else's story. I think this is depressing! And I believe that this is another lie made up to avoid acknowledging God. To avoid looking at His face.

We do this today too, as Christians. (Myself included.) We make up reasons to not look at God. We turn our attention elsewhere, and avoid seeking the glorious face of God. We become too busy to take a moment and look into the beautiful face of the God who loves us deeply.


I can understand why people would want to avoid looking at God's face. His glory.



Standing in the light of His glory is a humbling experience more powerful than any other. For it is in the light of His glory that we see all our flaws. Our sins, our ugliness, our imperfection. We become aware of just how broken we are.



For believers, standing in His glory, becoming aware of our flaws, is followed by an even more humbling experience.

His grace.



Something more powerful, more wonderful than anything else. It is completely undeserved by us, and yet completely essential.


It is His grace that brought God to earth to be born in a stable. To live a life of ridicule and rejection, and later to die a painful death. It is His grace that attached every one of our sins to the body of the perfect Man. It is His grace that saved us from our sin.



The Bible says:

"If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land."

-2 Chronicles 7:14

So we need to seek His face. And turn from our wicked ways. Then he will forgive our sins.

And the face of God will be a glorious thing to behold. A lovely thing. A breathtakingly beautiful thing to behold.

I think about the incredible feeling we experience when we see someone we love, whom we haven't seen in a while. We think about seeing them again...we imagine in our heads what it will be like when we reunite. We have pictures in our heads of shortening the distance, running with our arms spread open, until we embrace the person we are so grateful for.

If we look forward to a reunion with another person like this....imagine how much more powerful it will be when we can behold our God, our Jesus...face to face.

-I would love to learn more about the face of God. If anyone reading this knows more about what this means, I would like to hear what you have to say!

-

You Just Do

I have a vivid memory of something that was said to me shortly after Allie was born.

My MOPS table took turns bringing us dinner for a few weeks after her arrival. I very much appreciated their wonderful meals, but I was still new to parenting 2 little ones, and was trying to figure everything out.

We were living in our townhouse at the time, and there were 2 ways for these lovely ladies to put these yummy meals into my hands. They could 1) find a parking spot somewhere, walk up some sidewalks, and climb some steps to get to my front door, or 2) they could pull up to my garage, call me to let me know they were there, and I could come down and meet them (I had to go downstairs, and through the laundry room to meet them in our garage.)

I never asked the moms to choose option #1. Most of them came with children in their cars, and I didn't want them to have to get their kids out, and navigate them up the maze to our front door, all while balancing a meal for us.

So...these sweet moms pulled up to my garage. The problem was, I couldn't figure out what to do with my girls. The moms usually came while they were both awake (and in those early days, usually while I was nursing Allie). I couldn't bring them both down, because Becca still wasn't very good at going down stairs, and I would have had to carry them both, and then hold a meal as well. I couldn't leave Becca alone upstairs...she would have just gotten into things, and she was going through a particularly rebellious period at that time. So...I usually laid Allie in the pack n'play and carried Becca downstairs. This was most often met with loud wails of protest form my new little girl, but at least I was confident that she couldn't go anywhere.

This meant that I came downstairs frazzled and distracted. There was one mom in particular who just came across like she had it all together. She had 2 little girls, and went about her business without seeming frazzled. On the morning that she dropped off food, I asked her how she did it all. She tilted her head, looked at me for a moment, and said "I don't know...I guess you just do."

Three simple words that have reverberated throughout my life over the last 11 months. Simple words that carry much meaning for me.

There are so many days, especially lately, when I don't feel like I have the strength, or the clarity of mind to keep going. I don't feel like being cheerful with my girls. I don't feel like devoting all of my day to other people, and then spending the nights catching up on things that need to be done. But there are things that need to be done. Children that I am blessed enough to be able to love. So, even though I don't always want to, I just do.

Sometimes life can be overwhelming. Both in the big decisions...the choices that need to be made now, (for us right now, these often involve house stuff, or bills) and in the smaller but just as important choices (choosing to actually be with my girls during the day...choosing to give them my attention, and my time).

When I get overwhelmed, I tend to just withdraw, and not do anything. This, of course, just makes things worse.

It is at times like these that I remember those simple words. "You just do." And I get back up, and keep going. Without thinking about it too much, or imagining what can go wrong. I just do.

Lately, this has also involved a choice in my attitude. As Earen reminded me, we can choose our attitude. We can choose joy.

And in case you're wondering how you do this?

It's simple, really.

You just do.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Christmas Show & Tell

I wanted to share a few things that I am enjoying this Christmas.

My mom bought us these stockings this year. We have them personalized for my husband and I too, but we only have the two stockings hanging up right now. (We only had 2 stocking holders, and are waiting to find out if our home has a fireplace before we buy more.) She got them through Pottery Barn-I think they were like $15 personalized and everything. They're red velvet, and I love them! They're really big too, which I think the girls will like when they're a little older.

Again, we have them personalized for my husband I too, but you get the picture. I love these ornaments...I think they're beautiful and classy. I saw a picture one of my best friends had of her little boy holding one of these, and I had to find out where she got it from. Bronners is a store here in Michigan (actually very close to my husband's hometown). It is a really neat store...it's huge, and it's open all year long. So you can get a bit of Christmas anytime you want! You can buy these ornaments online, and they'll ship them to you.

This is our Fisher Price Little People nativity. The girls love it, and it's so fun to see Becca re-enacting the story of Jesus' birth.

I ordered some gifts from Christianbook.com, and this book was heavily discounted with the items I purchased. I couldn't pass it up, and am glad that I bought it. It's a little too old for the girls right now, but I look forward to reading it to them in the future. They do a good job of explaining what Christmas is about, and they address Santa as well.

This is the book that I bought the girls this year. (I like to buy them a new Christmas book each year.) It has quickly become Becca's favorite, and we have a lot of fun reading it to her every night before bed. The pictures are really colorful and pretty, too.

This is the CD that I bought for the girls this year (okay, so I actually buy a new CD for both the kids and us, and a new Christmas book for the kids). It is a really fun CD, and I have already mentioned that the song 'Was He a Boy Like Me' is a big hit in our house, and we don't even have a boy like him to relate to!

And this is the CD I bought for my husband and myself. Jennifer recommended it on her site when she was talking about her favorite Christmas music, and I ordered it the next day. (At least I'm not impulsive!) I'm glad I took her advice...it's a fun CD! They sing a lot of the classics, but they add a little bit of a rock vibe to them. It's a fun CD to listen to while cleaning, or driving in the car. I also did our Christmas cards while jamming to this. Thanks, Jennifer!

Now I would like to know what some of your favorite Christmas 'things' are. Also...I am very interested in celebrating Advent in our home. I got a few ideas from a speaker at MOPS this year on how to celebrate each Sunday, but I'm looking for more ideas. I would love suggestions on books with ideas, or a neat calendar... Please share with me what you do in your house to celebrate this Holy season.

For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given, And the government shall be upon His shoulder, And His Name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace

Girls Night Out

But first, an update (would I be me, right now, if I weren't forever updating y'all with the details of my life?)

-We heard back from the doctor yesterday regarding Becca's blood tests. The good news is, she doesn't have any of the chronic illnesses they tested her for, and her levels look good. The not so good news is that they did find antibodies to wheat in her blood. The doctor says that this indicates an allergy.
--Quick history on Becca: when she turned one, we had her tested for food allergies (looooong story), and found out that she was allergic to soy, wheat, milk, eggs, and nuts. The soy was low enough that they wanted us to keep giving it to her...she wasn't gaining much weight, and soy milk has more calories and fat than rice milk. Then, at 18 months they had us do a wheat challenge on her. She didn't show any symptoms of an allergy, so they gave us the go ahead, and we introduced wheat back into her diet. My gut told me that wheat upset her tummy, but we were having such a hard time figuring out what to feed her that I jumped at the opportunity to reintroduce pretzels, cheerios, pasta, and bread into her diet.
--We have struggled to feed this little girl. So it is discouraging to find out that she may still be allergic to wheat, after all. But we will do whatever we can to make things as easy as possible for her. We are in the process of getting her in to an allergy clinic, and then plan on going to a nutritionist after that. We need some help, and some answers.

-As of today, we have ruled out the option of building a new house. I love new houses, but the thought of all the decisions that would have to be made is just too overwhelming. And we wouldn't be able to build our dream house, so we will just wait. We may go this weekend with our realtor and check out a few more existing houses. If we find one we want to buy, then we will see if they will accept a contingent offer. If they do, then we put an offer on it, and pray that the townhouse is rented soon.

Now for the fun part of my post today...

I went out last night!!

With other girls!! Without kids!!

And....I had a blast!!!

Those of you who have been reading since we moved to Michigan know that I have been struggling with feelings of loneliness lately. I have some wonderful friends that I talk to on the phone, and chit chat with on the computer, but I really miss having friends that I can hang out with. Talk girl stuff with, in person. (Not that y'all aren't a major blessing to me, because you are!)

The MOPS group through my church regularly plans get-togethers outside of our MOPS meetings. Last night, they had a movie night. It was the first event that I was able to attend, and I was really nervous about it. I'm pretty shy, and have a hard time warming up to people. It takes me a while to come out of my shell (see...there's a turtle reference again!). But I knew that it would be fun, and good for me to get out.

Boy, was it!!

Some of the girls saw 'Dan in Real Life' (I saw this on a date with my hubby in October...good movie!), and I saw 'Enchanted' with another mom who is brand new to our group. She and I had a great time...it was a cute, cheesy movie, and it was kind of a fun way to break the ice, I guess. Our movie got out before the other, so we had a while to hang out and get to know each other a little bit. Her name is Heather, and I think we'll be getting together again sometime soon. (She just moved to the area not too long ago, and is looking to plant some roots.)

After the movie, we headed over to Applebee's for their half price appetizers. I was a little leery...picturing us just sitting there and staring at each other, but I didn't need to worry. We got there at about 9:20, and I didn't leave until 11:45! We talked about anything and everything, and laughed loud enough to draw attention from the other people in the restaurant. We all just enjoyed being out with each other, and having a break from thinking about somebody else's needs all day. For an evening, it was just about having fun and being friends.

I left feeling like a woman again. Not just a mom, or a wife, but a woman. Sometimes I forget that I'm still me.

We're supposed to get together again next week. One of the girls is skilled in pampering and beautifying. She gives massages, facials, and waxes. They all get together once a month or so and take care of themselves while catching up on girl time. They invited me to join them next Wednesday night.

I didn't crawl into bed until 12:15, and had to get up early for MOPS today, but it was worth it. Walking into our meeting this morning, and hearing friendly new faces saying 'Hi Renee!' was medicine to my spirit.

Nothing like a little crazy girl time to put some fire back in my step!

Longing

Lately, my heart has been filled with longing.

Longing for a home that my family and I can call our own. Longing to cover the walls with pictures of this family. Longing to cover the fridge with magnets and pictures that Becca colored in the nursery. Longing to leave the kids' toys scattered all over the living room, without worrying about a showing. Longing to relax at the end of a long day, with my husband, and to rest in knowing that we are home.

I am longing for new friendships that will be a blessing to both of us. Longing for a sense of belonging, a sense of community. Longing for a place to fit in.

I am longing to find out answers about Becca's health. Longing to find a way to help our little girl get through this time with her confidence and security still intact.

I am longing for peace.

This longing has made life difficult for me in the last few weeks. Because, with so much longing comes a bit of discontentment. And discontentment with life isn't what God wants for me.

So...today, I choose joy. Earen followed the Lord's prompting today and reached out to me. It was a total 'God thing', because she did so at just the time when I needed somebody to remind me that I'm not alone. And she reminded me that joy is a choice.

The longing is still there. Having a home of our own is a blessing that I will not take for granted again. My heart yearns for a home for my family. But that doesn't mean that I need to let my circumstances dictate my outlook. I can choose joy.

I know I've posted these lyrics before, but they are so good, I'm going to post them again, as a reminder to myself. The song is 'Bring the Rain' by MercyMe.

I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of

the clouds that may loom above

because you are much greater than my pain

you who made a way for me

suffering your destiny

so tell me

whats a little rain

[1st Chorus]

Holy, holy, holy

Holy, holy, holy

is the lord God almighty

is the lord God almighty

I'm forever singing

[2nd Chorus 2x]

everybody singing

Holy holy holy

you are holy

you are holy

Thursday Thoughts

-Today I am reminded that we are still not home. We have moved 3 times in the last 6 months, and we have been blessed with friends and family that have let us stay with them. We are now blessed with a beautiful home that we are fortunate enough to be able to rent for a while.

Tomorrow, there is a showing for this house.

We knew when we decided to rent it, that this could be a possibility. Our realtor (she's the listing agent for this house as well) assured us that this house we are living in does not get many showings. Especially around the holidays.

But tomorrow, there is a showing. Which means that I am running around, trying to hide the boxes that are still unpacked. Running around, trying to clean floors that we have not vacuumed yet (gross, I know), and cleaning a house that we have not even been able to settle into yet.

We were just starting to feel comfortable. Like maybe it was okay if our house wasn't perfect for a few days. Like maybe we could just concentrate on Christmas, and our family, and not worry about the other stuff.

But now we remember. We are not home yet. This move is not complete. We are still unable to put our things where we want to put them (even though we're renting, they still have all of their pictures up, and decorations around the house), or to sit back, put our feet up, and relax in the fact that we are home.

-My mom is coming into town for the weekend. I pick her up at the airport at 11:00 tonight. She will be staying until Sunday afternoon. It will be good to see her, and it will be good for the girls to spend time with their grandma. It breaks my heart, though, that there is so much baggage attached with her visit. Any time she visits. Ours is a relationship that still needs much fixing.

-We are meeting with a builder on Saturday morning. Just to explore all of our options. I did some searching online, and it looks like we may be able to build a new 4 bedroom house in our price range. We're meeting with them, and our realtor, to see if this is an option that should be explored any further. I'm curious to see what happens. (My mom is going to watch the girls for us while we do this.)

-Our church does this thing every year called 'The Christmas Journey'. We are going Saturday night (at 6:25 exactly!), and I'm excited to check it out. It's supposed to be amazing. Our church owns some wooded land close to the church. From what I can tell, they make a path through the woods, and have different scenes from the Bible along the way. From the manger to the cross, it says. There will be people in costume, and it is 'torch lit'. People have turned their lives (and hearts) around because of the way God speaks to them through this journey. I can't wait to see it for myself! (And we're bringing my mom!)

-Is it weird that my favorite Christmas song today is 'Was He a Boy Like Me?' from Veggietales 'The Incredible Singing Christmas Tree'? We just opened the CD last night, and that song just won me over. Becca says it's her favorite now, too. She likes to dance around the room with me when it's playing.

-We are mailing our Christmas cards today!! Yippee!! It is such a relief to have them done. There is a bit of a nagging, though. So much has happened this year, that my husband didn't feel like he could put as much heart into the letter. This year's letter is quite a bit less personal than in years before. And I usually like to do a handwritten note at the bottom of every letter. But this year we couldn't get our labels to work, and I had to address, and write the return address on 85 envelopes. I didn't have it in me to do a handwritten note as well, and it's really bugging me today. I'm not 100% happy with the finished product. But this year, this time, is more crazy than usual. (And in case you're wondering why we didn't just take more time...we wanted to get them out as soon as possible, because people are asking for our address.)

-Is just me, or is anybody else in awe of the words to our beloved Christmas songs? I've been singing them all my life, and just recently have started paying attention to the words. They're powerful!! If you really listen to the words to songs like 'Hark, the Herald Angels Sing,' 'Joy to the World', or 'Away in a Manger' (I could go on and on), they are really quite impressive. It's interesting to me to see/hear people singing these songs about a big, powerful God that we can know personally.

-It is so stinking cute to see Becca start to understand what's going on this time of year. She's been running around singing 'Jingle Bells', and talking about baby Jesus. We read her the story of the angel and Mary on Sunday (for the first Sunday of Advent), and now she gets all excited when she hears the word 'angel' in a song, or sees an angel somewhere. It is so neat to see her start to recognize things like this.

All right...better get back to cleaning!! Happy Thursday!

A Christmas Meme

Oops!! I tagged Jennifer for the meme below, but put the wrong link in! Jennifer from 'Where the Heart Is'...I mean you! (For some reason, I had a brain freeze and put wheretheheartis.blogspot.com).

Sarah tagged me to do a Christmas meme, and I, like her, love all things Christmas so I couldn't refuse. Here you go, Sarah!!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
It depends. For presents going under the tree, I wrap them. I think I wrap most presents for Christmas. I don't usually wrap for other occasions, though. I use bags, because I can never find my wrapping paper.

2. Real tree or artificial?
My mom always used artificial trees, so that's pretty much all I know. We (she and I) got a real tree one year, and she thought it was too much work, so we never did again. My husband always had real trees, but for whatever reason, we bought an artificial one. Now, with Becca's allergies, there's a good chance we will have to have artificial trees. I'll have to burn a candle, like Sarah, or use a Plug-In, like my mother-in-law (who just recently switched to the dark side) .

3. When do you put up the tree?
Sometime over Thanksgiving weekend. If I could put it up earlier, I would. The Christmas 'season' is too short for me. 4 weeks just isn't enough time to get all the enjoyment out of it, in my opinion.

4.When do you take the tree down?
When we're not preparing for a baby right around then? Sometime shortly after New Year's. But the last few years, we've been getting ready for babies, so we've taken it down right after Christmas (much to my disappointment.)

5. Do you like eggnog?
I do. I'm not crazy about it, but I enjoy a glass of nog every once in a while, during the holidays. Again...2 of the last 3 years I haven't been able to have it because I was pregnant, and of course I really wanted it.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
I don't remember how old I was, but sometime during my childhood, my dad made me a dollhouse. He had recently broken his back riding his motorcycle, and spent his time recovering building me a dollhouse by hand. He then brought it with him across the country (New Orleans to Michigan) on a bus. I never doubted his love for me after that. I don't know what happened to the dollhouse, and that makes me a little sad.

7. Do you have a nativity scene?
We have 2, actually. And I would like to buy another one. We received a Precious Moments set for our wedding (I collect them), and then my mom bought Becca a Fisher Price Little People nativity last year. (It helps to have one that she can touch, and one that is just for us.) I would like to get another one that the kids can play with, with more pieces.

8. Easiest person to buy for?
Our girls are pretty easy. They want everything.
Other than them? My best friend is pretty easy...I know her pretty well by now, and know for the most part what she likes. My husband is easy too. He's easy to please.

9. Hardest person to buy for?
This is sooooooo easy. My mom. No doubt.
She buys anything that she might possibly want or need, and opens maybe half of what she buys. My husband really doesn't like buying her things to add to her 'stuff', but we do it every year. We are always trying to rack our brains, thinking of things we can buy her that she might actually use. What makes it even harder? She buys so much herself. For instance-she collects Trivial Pursuit games (which are only opened when I make her play them). She knows it, and I know it...this is what I buy her. This year, when she was trying to think of things that she might want, she said "Oh...and don't buy Trivial Pursuit. I already bought it....it was on sale."

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
This is a hard one. I don't really remember. I do know that I have horrible luck when it comes to gift exchanges, or secret Santas. I am always the person who gets forgotten or left out, or gets my gift stolen, and ends up with somebody's re gifted castoff. I try to be cheerful about it, and I enjoy the games themselves, but I have yet to keep an item I've received from secret Santa or a gift exchange. (And 4 of the last 5 times I've done Secret Santa, my 'Santa' has been out sick, or out of town. It's actually really humorous.)

11. Mail or e-mail Christmas cards?
People really e-mail Christmas cards?
I love to mail them out. That's what we're working on tonight. I take care of all the logistics...the taking of the picture, the printing of the photo cards, the addressing, the stamping, the buying of the paper. My husband writes the Christmas letter, and it always takes him a few days to think of what to say. I also LOVE getting Christmas cards. I love getting the mail this time of year.

12. Favorite Christmas movie?
I can never pin down my favorites in things like this. I like the televised shows a lot. Shows like Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer, Charlie Brown's Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, The Year without a Santa, Nestor, the long eared donkey, ohhh...I could go on. When the Christmas marathon is on, you know where I am! As far as movies? I like the 'Santa Clause' movies, 'Elf', 'White Christmas', and 'Christmas Story. I feel like I'm forgetting some.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
The beginning of November. I'm not really early, but in a dream world, I would have all of my shopping done by Thanksgiving. I don't like the crowds, and the rush after Thanksgiving.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Not that I can remember.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Ummm...can I say 'Christmas goodies'? I love Christmas yummies. I like peanut butter bon bons (or bullseyes), all sorts of different cookies, and pies. And my mother-in-law makes these things called (I'm not going to spell this right) klotchskies, and they're so yummy.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree?
We use colored lights on our Christmas tree. They are my husband's favorite. But I would love to get a house with a living room and a family room. In the living room, I would love to have a tree with clear lights and red bows. I love those colors together.

17. Favorite Christmas song?
Again, I can never answer these 'favorite' questions. My tastes always change. Right now I really like a song on Point of Grace's Christmas CD (can't remember which one right now), but it's called 'Let There Be Light'. I just love Christmas music. There is something about it that just fills me with awe. It's so interesting to me that so many people are singing songs proclaiming Jesus' birth, and our salvation, and they don't even realize it. I am moved to tears by all songs that are spiritual, and Christmas.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
My husband always went to his grandparents house on Thanksgiving and Christmas day, and spent the day playing with his cousins. He still goes there, and that will be our tradition too. We would really like to spend some time before the actual day with family, and then spend Christmas Eve in our own home. We'll see how that goes.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Well...it's not really fair, because I read Sarah's post earlier. And I would remember them the same way. "There was Dasher, and Dancer, and Comet, and Cupid. Donner and Blitzen and....oh no!! Even with cheating, I can't remember them. Was there a Vixen? (Could that be right?) And Prancer? I don't remember. Rats!

20. Angel on the tree top, or a star?
A star.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?
This will mostly be determined by when we celebrate Christmas with my in-laws. If we spend Christmas with them (the actual eve and day), then we open presents on Christmas Eve. But if we spend Christmas Eve in our home, then we will just open one present on Christmas Eve, and it will probably be pj's.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
The grinchiness it brings out in some people. Especially when you're out shopping. I love retail this time of year, but some people can just be mean.

23. What I love most about Christmas?
Is this an impossible question or what? How can you narrow it down?
I love the lights, the music, the decorations. The cold, and the hot chocolate. The times with family, and Christmas cards. The food, and the parties. The pictures. Santa Claus. The magic. And of course, it's one of the only times of year when it's openly okay to talk about Jesus in public.

I have never tagged anyone, but I would love to see some answers for this. So...
Tara, Sarah, Jennifer, Jennifer, and Alana...consider yourselves tagged!

Warm Weekend

Right now, I feel loved. Warm, happy, and secure. And what an incredible feeling that is!!

It has been a good weekend. Full of family, friends, and fun. Laughter, memories, and running in the rain.


My husband's sister came into town for the weekend. It was really good to see her, and to spend some time with her. One thing I look forward to, being back in Michigan, is getting to know my sisters-in-law better.



Last night was my husband's Christmas party for his work. It's funny...I don't know why I do it, but I always put too much thought into what I'll wear to these kind of things, and worry about how I'll look. When in reality, the only person that really cares is me. It's really not that important. (So those heels that made my feet hurt really badly, but they were so pretty I had to wear them? The only person who noticed them was me.)


It was a fun party. We had hors d'overes and mingled, then we went to a 'Home for the Holidays' program at the local university theater. It was nice. We mingled, and enjoyed some Christmas music.



And here are some pictures from last night. You can't see my holiday dress very well, but I wore a red sequiny top, nice black pants, and really pretty black heels.

This is going to be our Christmas card picture this year...

And this next picture is painful for me to post, but it shows my whole outfit, and I told y'all I would put a picture out there. I really didn't think I looked this short and stout, though. My legs look like they're 2 feet long!! In my mind, I looked tall and thin. (Ha!) Gotta work on that.

And today, I was able to spend some time with my best friend Jenni. She and I have been friends since childhood, and she lives in Indiana now, about 2 hours away. She and her family were in town for the weekend, so we got together. She ran some errands with me while the guys stayed home and watched football (the kids were napping). It was good to spend time with a friend. Especially one who knows me like she does.

So...it was a great weekend.

You again?

This will be a quick post since my sister-in-law is coming into town tonight, (to babysit the girls tomorrow night) and the house is still a mess. (Did we just move yesterday? That's what it feels like!!)

Picture this...1:40 this afternoon. After a busy morning of running errands, a late lunch, and a less than relaxed attempt at getting ready for naps.

I'm changing Becca's diaper (she actually wore underpants this morning...on her own, but she wears a diaper for her naps) in her room. Just as I'm finishing, I hear Allie crying in the living room. Becca and I run out to see what's going on, and there sits Allie. Green stuff, and what looks like ice all over her face and hands.

I know that this probably isn't a good thing, so I run over and pick her up.
Then I notice the broken jar of baby food sitting next to her on the floor. What??!!!!
(Becca likes to 'feed' her Baby and Elmo, and somehow Allie must have gotten a hold of the jar, and banged it against the floor).

I rush Allie into the bathroom, and rinse the glass and peas off of her hands. I try to clean up her face as best as I can, and can only see one little cut on the side of her mouth. It looks like we have avoided a trip to the doctor.

I call my husband to see what he thinks I should do, and he suggests I call the doctor. Just to find out what we should do if she did ingest any glass.

Dutiful wife that I am, I called the doctor, and left a message.

10 minutes later, I get a return phone call. (It's the same lady who returns my calls every time). The first thing I hear is "Hi, this is Jan from Dr. Hart's office. From the sounds of it, y'all are having way to much fun in your household." I kind of laugh, and she says "This time it's your little one, huh?"

Okay...I'm guessing that it's not a good thing when you've only been going to a doctor for 2 months, and they already know who you are. What makes this even worse is that there are 3 doctors in this office, and 2 of them know us pretty well. And, apparently, the nurse does too.

And in case you're wondering...there's nothing we can do for Allie. I'm just supposed to keep an eye on her, and make sure she doesn't have any trouble swallowing, or anything like that.

Okay...back to cleaning. I'll try to post some pictures this weekend of my 'holiday dress'.
Happy Friday!

Thursday Thoughts

Because my blog isn't 'random' enough...

Time to unload the thoughts bouncing around inside my head again...

-Sweet, sweet Becca. What do we do with her? Many of you have asked me how she's doing, and I really appreciate your thoughts and prayers. She's really such a sweet little girl, and it's hard to see her having such a rough time. We still don't know what's going on...we need to get her in and get her blood drawn-we haven't done this yet, with the move, Thanksgiving, and my husband being sick. We're hoping to do it tomorrow, or next week. Maybe that will tell us something.

She has her good days and bad days (we all do), and some 'in between' days. She cries. A LOT. And screams, and hits, and pushes. (Our little Allie has received 3 black eyes in the last 2 weeks courtesy of her big sis.) But she also is starting to say 'please' and 'thank you', and when she lets herself relax, she is the sweetest, 'funnest' little girl. The things she says just crack me up...she's quite the little ham!! I'll have to share some of our 'Becca-isms' with you later.

One thing that has made a big difference this week, and it's really hard for me to stomach, is her binky. Up until now, she has only been allowed to have it when she's in her bed, or sick. But she has been so upset lately, and her binky seems to bring her so much comfort that we have let her have it outside of her crib. It has made a HUGE difference in her attitude. She's much more calm, and she doesn't lose control as easily. I'm envisioning her being 4 and still having it, though, so it's a hard thing for me. I don't like that she has it, but if it brings her comfort, what do I do? Our home needs a little bit of peace.

-Our dishwasher was fixed today. Hallelujah!! Since we've been living here, we haven't had a washer & dryer, or a working dishwasher. What a relief it is to have both now. What marvelous inventions these convenience items are!

-My husband's Christmas party is coming up this Saturday. And just so you know, I spent about 6 hours shopping for the right 'holiday outfit'. And I HATE shopping for clothes for myself right now. At least now I've come to the realization that it's not just the clothes that make me look big...I really am big right now. But it's still very discouraging to try on clothes, and see myself in the mirror. Blech.

Anyway...I bought a black dress that I felt kind of silly in, and a red sequiny top with some nice black pants. And I spent another hour (my feet are bigger now, too!) looking for the right heels to wear with them. My husband was a little worried that I would be under dressed for the party, so I asked his boss' wife at MOPS yesterday. (Gotta love that!) She laughed at me, and told me that they really don't care what people wear, as long as it's not blue jeans, and as long as we have fun. Isn't it funny the things we stress and worry about?

-Is it sad that I almost threw myself at the woman I talked to at MOPS yesterday? Not my husband's boss's wife, but the other one...the wife of the guy who works with my hubby. (Her name is Melissa). She is actually the coordinator for MOPS, and has been for the last 11 years. This is her last year. Anyway...she's very sweet, and there's just something about her that makes you want to be friends with her. And since I'm really wanting some friends around here, I had to resist the urge to say 'will you be my friend please?' Is that sad, or what? After about 5 minutes of talking to her, I was envisioning us going on double dates, and living down the road from each other. Sad, I know. I need to find some friends here!!!! I love talking on the phone, but I need some girls I can go shopping with...go get coffee with...hang out with!

-I've been thinking about babies a lot lately. I think we may start trying for another one soon. I have 2 friends who are due in December, and I have a couple of other friends who are pregnant now. We were planning on trying again soon anyway...now all this talk of babies is giving me the bug. It's funny to be thinking about babies, though. Allie is still such a baby...(and in case you're wondering, since I hardly ever write about her...she's good. Very easygoing and happy.)

-Here's a thought...to those of you who read my blog. What are your Christmas traditions? We didn't really have any in my house growing up, so I am fascinated with them now. I love hearing about ways to make this season extra special. So if you're willing...please share!!
(My husband cracks up because the only traditions my mom and I had were that we didn't open presents until 8:00 Christmas morning, and we drank orange juice out of the same little Christmas tree mugs.)

Peeking

Breathe deep...

Breathe deep and take in the beauty around you. Breathe deep and take time to enjoy your blessings. Breathe deep, and don't let this time pass you by.

This has been my mantra for the last week.

As I said earlier this week, I have been watching the world go by from a sheltered position inside my 'turtle shell'. I am growing tired of life inside a shell. I want to come out. To breathe joy, and life, and love.

I have wonderful friends who have been encouraging me, praying for me, and just understanding me. (A daunting task, to be sure.) I thank all of you who have come alongside me in your 'turtleness', and have told me that you know what I'm going through. That means a lot. And to others who have offered their love...thank you!

I have an amazing husband. I have been completely overwhelmed by the gift that he is to me. He has stepped up to be just what I need, and I can't even begin to express how much that (and he) means to me.

I belong to the God who knows me and my 'turtleness', and loves me anyway. He allows me to be me, and He gives me just enough strength to keep going even when my own strength is lacking.

I am loved. More than I deserve. And that makes me feel safe enough to start peeking.

One of my best friends just found out that she's unexpectedly pregnant with her 3rd baby in less than 3 years. She needed me...and that made me want to start coming out.

I finally changed my cell phone plan so that I can talk on the phone during the day (and not just nights and weekends)...this has given me hope of a future that is less lonely. (Tara...I can talk now!!)

I had MOPS this morning, and made some good connections. The speaker today was actually the wife of the man who owns/is the president of the company that my husband works for. She's very sweet, and spent a good amount of time talking with me, and telling me what a blessing it is to have my family be a part of their 'family'. That touched my heart.

I also 'met' another woman whose husband works with my husband. She and I hit it off right away too.

I needed that. Connection.

It feels good to start feeling again.

I Am a....Turtle

For as long as I can remember, I have liked turtles. I collect them, actually.

In recent months, I have compared myself to a turtle when talking to my husband.

And now it's official.

I recently joined Facebook...mostly due to prodding by my best friends from high school. It really is a fun site, and I have had a good time getting in touch with people whom I haven't spoken to in a long time.

Facebook has many different applications that you can add to your page. One of these applications is a 'What Animal Am I' quiz. My 2 best friends are tigers. And me? Yep...you guessed it. I'm a turtle. Here is the description that is now posted on my Facebook page.

"You are a turtle. You are slow to react to things making you cool and calm. On bad days, you feel like you want to crawl into a shell. Friends can rely on you to be strong...when you're not in your shell. "

I'm not so sure about the 'cool and calm' part. I wish I was that way, but I don't think those are the most fitting descriptive words for me. The rest of the description is right on target.

I don't know if it's because of my childhood, or if it's because I just have poor coping skills. Maybe a little of both. Whatever the reason, I am a turtle.

I plod along, and for the most part, handle the bumps and bruises along the way. But somehow I manage to take just a little bit of the stress from each of those bumps and bruises, and store it up. Eventually, the stress I've been storing up becomes too much, and I retreat fully into my shell.

When I'm in my shell, it is a struggle just to get through the day. Even the little things can throw me over the edge. I am very hard to reach, and am, for the most part, unavailable.

Somewhere, in the midst of the packing, and moving, and Thanksgiving preparations, and Becca's rough month, I have disappeared into my shell.

I will 'come out' again soon. The support from so many of you is encouraging, and your prayers are much appreciated. I am focusing on the many blessings in my life, and a God who wants to be my Strength. He will help me refocus and keep going.

Happy belated Thanksgiving, and I'll be back soon!!

Update- Dr's Visit

Just wanted to post a quick update.

The doctor spent a lot of time with us today, which was nice...especially since it wasn't 'our' doctor. She really listened to us (my hubby met me there), and she didn't blow off our concerns, which was nice.

The conclusion is that Becca was still having an allergic reaction to the first antibiotic. (Kristen said this could happen.) They don't think she's allergic to the 2nd antibiotic that she was prescribed, but even so, the doctor thinks we should quit the antibiotics.

She gave us some samples of Prevacid to see if it makes any difference. She thought reflux could be a possibility. She also gave us a prescription for a weeks worth of Zyrtec, to make sure that the allergy to the antibiotic is taken care of.

We're supposed to take Becca in to a lab soon to get some blood drawn. They want to run a bunch of tests on it, so that we can rule out what the dr calls 'organic illness'. Not really sure what 'organic illness' is, but I'm guessing it's something along the line of 'internal illness'. We'll see. I know they'll be testing for Celiac (I really don't think this is a possibility), among others.

The blood tests are more just to rule out problems than to look for them. Given Becca's history of slow weight gain, and overall health, they (and we) just want to make sure that everything is okay.

Or...she could just be 2, and reacting to all of the stress that's going on. (I've heard some crazy stories about what 2 year olds will do for attention). I just don't want to blame it on this, and miss something that we might need to know.

So we'll see. I hope something evens out soon! This little girl needs a break!

Overwhelmed

I'm not really sure why, but I feel like I have to explain myself.

To those of you who are new to reading my blog...I really am not a down in the dumps, complain about everything, make everything into a drama kind of person!! I love life, and I consider myself to generally be happy. Lately though, I feel like I just vent all the time. Part of me wants to apologize for this, and the other part of me just needs to get it out.

There is no room in my life right now for me to vent, so it helps me to get it out on here. Please know that I'm not complaining... I'm just trying to figure things out.

It's been a crazy week so far. (As I knew it would be.)

We talked to our property management guy in CO, and he told us that the two possibilities he was looking at for us aren't going to pan out. Neither of them were interested in renting our townhouse. So he is going to start advertising online this week, and we're praying that something comes up soon.

I'm taking Becca back to the doctor's this afternoon. She seemed to have a reaction to the 2nd antibiotic as well. She had gone a few days without any signs of a reaction, and the morning after we started her on the new antibiotic, she thought she was going to throw up, and her hands and feet were swollen again. The doctor wants to check her out, and see where we go from here. Becca has been having a very rough week...she seemed to be doing pretty good for a day or two, and now she's back to seeming miserable. There is hardly a moment of silence in our house these days. I'm praying that the doctor can help her (and us) out.

We're officially moving into the house we'll be renting on Saturday. The professional cleaning service will be coming on Tuesday. I'm hoping to be able to come over on Sunday and do some cleaning myself, to save us some money.

Please pray for my marriage as well. It has been hard to pay much attention to each other when there is so much other stuff going on. It's wearing on us. We're short with each other, and just trying to get through this, right now. We're both just tired of moving. This will be the 3rd time 5 months. I know there are people who move much more often than that, but I'm not sure how they do it!!

I just keep remembering what sweet Earen told me recently. God isn't just the One who gives me strength...He IS my strength!! (Thank you Earen!!)

I know that God is faithful, and I'm surprisingly (for me) not too worried about things. I know that He's in control. I just need to learn how to handle the day to day stuff. Or rather, how to trust Him with all of the day to day stuff.

You are my strength when I am weak,

You are the treasure that I seek,

You are my all in all.

Seeking You as a precious jewel,

Lord to give up I'd be a fool,

You are my all in all.

Jesus, Lamb of God - worthy is Your name.

Jesus, Lamb of God - worthy is Your name.

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame,

Rising again, I bless Your name,

You are my all in all.

When I fall down, You pick me up,

When I am dry You fill my cup,You are my all in all.

Better Me Check In #1

This will be a catch up post. Too much to do today to think more than I need to.

We decided on the house, (yay!) and are moving in this Saturday. We're hoping to start bringing some carloads over every night this week, to make the move as seamless as possible. We really want to do as much of the moving as we can while the girls are asleep. We're hoping to be able to help them get used to the new house, and that will be easier to do if we can pay attention to them, and not be unpacking all the time.

So this week we are looking for a washer & dryer, and setting up all our services. We're trying to get things set up to rent our townhouse in Colorado. We're trying to tie up loose ends here at Amy's house. I'm going to meet with some professional cleaning services and see how much it would cost to have them come in and leave the place spotless. (Not that we've made it dirty...but I want to leave it better than when we came.)

Becca has actually had a day or two of acting like herself. It doesn't last for the whole day, but seeing glimpses of my happy girl have been a ray of sunshine through the clouds for me.
It has been a rough month for her, and an especially rough last week. The dr prescribed some antibiotics for her sinus infection, and we noticed an allergic reaction over the weekend. Her toes and fingers swelled up, her face turned red, and she broke out in hives all over her body. This was the first time she's taken any prescription medicine, so it was a little bit scary. We had to give her Benadryl all weekend, which made her very sleepy and cranky.

Now that the Benadryl and the antibiotic are out of her system, we're supposed to try a different antibiotic to treat her sinus infection. I'm a little nervous about this...but she's still complaining about headaches and a sore throat. So we'll see what the dr says.

As you can imagine, it's been a hard parenting week. Between all the stress on us, and an extremely cranky, sick little girl, it has been a lesson in patience for me. I apparently haven't been learning the lesson very easily though, because I've been having migraine headaches on and off since Saturday. (Anyone have any suggestions on how I can relax???)

I didn't lose any weight this week, but I feel good about the progress I've made. I had some good, healthy meals this last week, and I've been active.

This week will be a bit more challenging since we have so much going on. My goals this week are to continue to eat healthy, to try to handle the stress better, and to try not to let the stress carry over onto our girls. I want to be sweet to my husband, even though we're both in totally different mindsets this week. (When he has stuff like this going on, he mentally checks out...he will be like this until we're all settled in. He's in 'accomplish the tasks at hand' mode.) I also want to a make sure to fit my devotional time in. I know I can't get through this week without leaning fully on God.

Sorry for the rambling...
Happy Tuesday!!

Holiday Dress??

Okay ladies...this stay at home mommy needs some help!!

I don't know how it's happened, but I have managed to get to this point in my life without having to know what Holiday Dress means. None of the places that I have worked had fancy Christmas parties, and neither have the places that my husband has worked. (Youth Ministry, Construction Retail, and Medical Claims Processing just aren't formal kinds of jobs, I guess?)

This year, we are invited to his office Christmas party. We will be having hors d'oeveres and desserts, and then going to a Christmas show. The invitation says "Attire: Holiday Dress"

So...does that mean black pants and a sparkly sweater? Nice sweater and skirt? Nice dress? Or a fancy dress?

Silliness, I know. But that's me.




P.S. You girls have been wonderful with all of your advice! Thank you so much for taking the time to help this fashion confused mama figure out what to wear!! I'm happy to hear that I'm not the only one who isn't up on Christmas party attire lingo. Thank you!!!

It's Not Easy

I am learning right now that there are definite seasons in faith.

Some of the seasons that I have experienced so far are:

Winter- My winter seasons have been characterized by times of feeling cold and dry. These are the times when I don't feel God's presence in my life as much. The times when I wonder if anyone is listening to my prayers. The times when I feel lonely, and depressed. When it's hard to see the possibility of life.

Spring- There have been times in my life when I have been in awe. Filled with wonder at the miracles around me. These times have been marked by a feeling of renewed hope. A hope in the parts of my life that seem to be coming back to life. A hope in the parts of myself that are starting to improve. An excitement of things to come.

Summer- I have had seasons in my life where I have not had to work on experiencing joy. These times have usually been marked by a feeling of closeness with God. I know that He is always close to me, but there have been times in my life when I have felt this closeness more than others. There have been times when I have just really felt that I was submitting to God, and that He was blessing me for this submission. These were the times when everything just seemed to fall into place in my life.

Fall- I think my fall seasons have been characterized by a feeling that things are changing. The feeling that I need to let my roots dig deep so that they can grab the nourishment they need to weather the coming winter. I can see the beauty all around me, and know that the coming winter is necessary, even if it is going to be difficult.

Realizing this reminds me of the Nichole Nordeman song that I posted the words for a while ago. For some reason I can't pull up the original post with the lyrics, but here is the YouTube video for the song. You should check it out...it's moving.

In a possibly completely unrelated train of thought, I want to flesh out one of the lessons I've been learning recently.

Somewhere along the way, I decided that if I were really following God's will, if I were really listening to Him, and doing things like I should, then my life would be a cakewalk. That things would always fall into place, and if they didn't fall into place, then that meant that I was doing something wrong.

I'm learning that sometimes even when we are where God wants us to be, the road can still be rough. This life wasn't meant to be easy. We live in a fallen world. In bodies that are selfish and flawed. With minds that want to serve only ourselves.

My quest for a 'better me' has been very rough. And I know that it's the right thing to do. Then why is it so hard? Not because I'm doing something wrong, but because it is not natural for me. Discipline...grace...trust...submission....these are all things that go against my flesh. MY desires.

When we decided to take a leap and listen to what we were sure was God's whispering in our hearts, we thought that if we were in His will, then everything would just line up for us. We talked about what a great testimony it would be to non-believers, if they could see how God moved quickly and powerfully in the lives of His faithful children. (In essence...we were telling God how we thought that He should work.)

And for a while, it seemed that this was happening. My husband found a job in record time, in a job market that is dead right now. And not only did he get a job quickly, he got a job working for a Christian company in a field that will continue to grow. (Check!)
We were presented with a beautiful place to live in a very short amount of time. For free!! (Check!)
Our townhouse even went under contract less than a month after we moved out here. (Check!)
And then we found a house that we thought would be great for us to grow our family in. (Check!)

Then....the contract fell through. (What?) So we had to withdraw our offer on the house (grrr!). This was immediately followed by us finding out that we had 3 weeks to find a new place to live. (Oh no!)

This made me wonder...were we doing the right thing? Was this move right for us? Did we really hear God's voice? Why are things getting so difficult all of a sudden? Why isn't God going down our list of requests and granting each one in order? Isn't that what He does when we're in His will?

The lesson I'm learning is that there are lessons to be learned. And I don't learn my lessons very well when things are easy. Yes, it would be wonderful if God went down my list and checked each request off. But what would I learn from that?

Our faith is proven and tested in rough times. For it is in times of dependence, times of trust, that our true character is shown. And made. And these are the times that people really watch. Others can look at how God is taking care of us, and think it is pretty cool, but good times can also be attributed to other things (my mom would say that things were just 'meant to be'). How we handle ourselves, our faith, our lives when times are tough is the best witness, I believe.

So maybe that's where we're at. We're on the anvil. Being shaped, and strengthening our character. Trusting God, and depending on Him for everything. And I need to realize that it's a great (albeit sometimes painful) place to be!

Journey in the Desert: Day 135

WARNING: Long, rambling post!

I started counting my 'Journey in the Desert' days when we put our townhouse up for sale. I knew that the journey we were setting out on would be a wild one, and I wanted to keep track. I'm not sure exactly when I thought this journey would end. I think it will feel over when we get settled into our home here in Michigan. Then the first portion of the journey, at least, will be over.

Anyway...I have a few thoughts today. (No, really!)

My husband and I made our decision last night about where we're going to live next. We prayed about it, and decided that we would move into an apartment that is close to his work. He walked through a model at this particular complex, and thought that it would be a nice place for us to live. There would be some drawbacks, sure, but we are only planning on being there for a few months. (Until we get a tenant for our townhouse, and are able to buy a home of our own out here.) We debated about what we would do for storage, if the noise from our neighbors would bother the girls...if I could handle living in a part of town that I am absolutely not familiar with, and would have to drive a ways to get to a grocery store. But all in all, we thought we made the right decision.

My husband went to the complex today to drop off our application, and they showed him the unit that would actually be ours. It faces a different direction than they had originally told him, which means that we won't be able to continue our contract with DirectTV (we suspended our service). This isn't such a big deal, (although it could be pricey for us...our suspension is running out) but he also told me that the door to our apartment is on the opposite side from the parking lot. So to get to the car, we would have to go out our front door and walk all the way around the building, to the parking lot. Now, if it were just my husband and I, we wouldn't be too bothered by this. But we have a 9 1/2 month old who can't walk, and a 2 1/2 year old who chooses not to walk quite often. It also gets bitterly cold here in Michigan, and those walks around the building wouldn't be much fun. My husband also said that the apartment he walked through today wasn't very much like the model that he saw the other day. He thought it had a completely different feel.

Another option we have, that we decided against last night, is renting a house. Our realtor told us about a really nice 3/4 bedroom house that is for rent. We've been talking with the owners, and they have lowered the price for us, and they have agreed to let us go month to month. (So that we will have the freedom to move out when we buy a house). My husband also went and looked at this house yesterday, and he says that it's really nice, as are the owners. It is in a very nice neighborhood, and is a big, beautiful house. The only drawbacks are that it is on the market, so we will have to be ready to show the house at anytime, and there isn't a washer and dryer in the house.

So we would have to either buy a washer & dryer, or rent them. On one hand, it seems like a lot of hassle just to live in a nice house, but on the other hand...we might need to buy a washer and dryer anyway...and it would be one less thing to deal with later. And...our realtor is the listing agent for the house, so she could set up some good terms for us. (Like 24 hours notice for showings, or at least 8.)

This house seems like it would be a dream come true, for Christmas. It's big, has a fireplace, and has plenty of room for family to stay. There is also plenty of room for the girls to play. There is a whirlpool tub off of the master bedroom, and a nice kitchen. It would be about the same amount of driving time for my husband as the house we're living in now. And it's really close to a big mall out here. I'm thinking about getting a part time job for the holidays, so we would be close to my job, if it happens.

We just don't know if we're being too indulgent with this house. We would be getting it for less than the apartments we've been looking at, but the utilities would be more money. And there is a place that we could live for free. The old office of the company my husband works for is available. It IS an old house, (built in 1908) but it's not very practical for kids. There isn't a bathtub, or a laundry hookup, and there is office furniture all over. Also, the stairs are really steep and I can't even fit my foot on them. There would also be a lot of empty rooms, which kind of gives me the creeps. It's a little too big, and a little too old for me to feel comfortable there. (I'm weird, I know, but old houses kind of give me the creeps....especially when there are a lot of doors to different weird rooms. One of the doors in the basement doesn't lead anywhere, but has a deadbolt on it. What????)

So for today, we're back to where we were last night. Trying to decide where to go from here. It would be nice to move into a house, and I think it might be good for the girls to have as little disturbance as possible. In this house, they would be able to roam around as they wish, and have a 'normal' Christmas.

But are we being too indulgent?

These are the thoughts that make my head spin.

The other option for us is an apartment complex right down the street from where we're living right now. It is more money than the house, though. And we would have to rent a storage facility.

Anyway...

Our property manager might be showing our townhouse to his possible renter today. Hopefully we'll hear something encouraging soon! If we rented our townhouse out this quickly, it would be a miracle. Once we can show that we have one month's rent, then we will be eligible to buy a house out here. Yippee!!

If you're still with me, please pray for our family as we go through more change. Becca has been having a very rough time lately, and another move will be hard on her, I think. Please pray for comfort for her, and healing. She still has a fever, and we still can't get her to eat more than a handful of food a day. We're praying that the antibiotics help her feel better soon, so that she feels like eating and drinking again. She's such a tiny girl anyway...she doesn't have any weight to lose!

Overall, I am happy that we're in Michigan. I love this state, and it is wonderful to be closer to family. I am still confident that we made the right decision...I'm just anxious to find a more permanent place to live!

November Gratitude

I am inspired by my fellow bloggers who are taking this often overlooked month and using it to grow thankfulness. So thank you, Alana, Tara, Kristen, and Sittintall for the inspiration!

Check out my sidebar for the things I am grateful for this November!

Just A Spinnin'

My head is spinning. I'm feeling a little bit crazy right now.

I have thought of things that I want to blog about, but I have such a hard time thinking through those things when my brain is just thinking about what I need to do today.

Sometimes it helps me to just get some of the thoughts out, so that I can clear my mind a little bit.

-I spent the majority of my day yesterday on the phone. I called apartments, ads I saw in the paper, and followed some other leads we had. I also talked with our realtor in CO, and called some property management companies out there.

-We have narrowed our housing search (for the short term) down to a house we might be able to rent, and 2 different apartment buildings. They are all more money than we need right now, but they will be somewhere to live. We need to narrow it down, and make our decision today or tomorrow, before the apartments get rented out to someone else.

-We picked our property management company. The manager is actually the same guy that I had rent out the townhouse when I moved out to MI for YFC. He did a really good job, and I think he'll be good for us again. He even called me last night to tell me that he might already have a renter for us (which would be wonderful!!)

-Becca has been sick pretty much for the last 4 weeks, so I finally took her in to the doctor again this morning. She had a fever this morning, and threw up sometime during the night. She also hasn't been eating, and has hardly drank anything in the last day or two.
I explained all of my concerns to the doctor, and she was really understanding. She prescribed some antibiotics, thinking that Becca has a sinus infection. She also said that all of the changes we've been going through could be causing Becca a lot of stress, and slowing her immune system down.
She wants to see if the antibiotics work, and if they don't work, then they will take some blood and run some tests.
Hopefully they work. I want my little girl to feel well again!!

-One of my best friends asked me to sign up for a myspace account. She and our other best friend both signed up recently, and she wants us to be able to communicate on there. She thought it was pretty fun to look up other people from our high school, and see what they're doing now. I wanted to check it too, so I did a little looking today.
I don't know if I'm just sheltered and live in a bubble, or if I'm just out of touch with the world today, but I thought it was really depressing! Maybe I'm just so used to all the cheery blogs I read on a daily basis? Whatever the reason, I just felt kind of yucky after I signed off. There were so many dark pages, and so many people who are proud of the fact that they're still getting wasted every weekend. I don't know...

I guess that's all for now. My head has stopped spinning. Maybe I'll write a more creative post later.

Happy Tuesday!

Better Me Monday, & Other Thoughts

In case you haven't noticed, I haven't been very faithful in my 'Mini-Me Monday' postings. This is because I haven't been very faithful in doing anything about 'Mini-Me-Monday'. This is because I haven't been taking care of myself, of God's temple, like I should.

I have decided, for myself, that I will start this journey again. From the beginning. Clean slate. Fresh start.

But it is so much more than losing weight, for me. It is about treating myself better. Taking care of myself. Respecting myself.

My basic goal is to be disciplined. To exercise discipline in every area of my life. To exercise the atrophied muscle called self-control. To really seek to honor God with my life, my actions, my body, my thoughts.

So...this is what my individual goals are:

-Spend time reading my Bible everyday.

-Set aside some quiet time with God every day. (Even if it's just a few minutes, or if it's while I'm doing housework.)

-Keep track of everything I put into my mouth. I want to think about everything that I consume, and ask myself if it's good for me. Will the food I eat, and the drinks I drink help my body? Will they help me to be healthy, and feel good? Or will they make me feel guilty?

-Think good thoughts. Take every thought captive, and work on giving things to God. Not worrying.

-Treat my family well. To enjoy my kids more, and to really 'be' with them. To love on my husband and affirm him even when I feel like I have nothing left to give.

-Serve my family. Provide some sort of dinner for them every night, clean clothes for them to wear, and a somewhat clean house for them to live in.

-To spend some time every day working on a friendship. Even if it's a 5 minute e-mail, or IM'ing. Or calling somebody at night, just to check in.

-To spend time praying for my friends, my family, our country.

-To create a budget, and live within this budget.

-To find some way to fit exercise into my daily life. Whether it be getting up early and jogging, or doing an exercise video, dancing with my kids, or all of the above. I need to move!

This is just a starter list. (I will be adding to it, along the way.) Even so, it is daunting.

I'm not expecting to perfect all of these things at once. I know that it will take time. Changing ourselves from the inside out is usually painful, and slow going. But it needs to be done. I have let myself go. I have let myself get lost in the chaos of the day to day, and have not been caring about myself. I have not been living my life in a way that glorifies God.

So, I will start this journey today. One day at a time. One step at a time. Starting fresh over and over again, if I have to.

Other thoughts....

-If you don't see me commenting on your blogs as much, please know that I'm still around, and still thinking of and praying for you. I'm just trying to focus on my 'to-do' lists more, and those lists are exceptionally long this week. My brain is already a little bit fried. But I'm still here!

-We're still trying to find a place to live for now. We are making some phone calls today, and hoping that we find something that will work out.

-We have decided to at least seriously look into renting out our townhouse. I will also be making some phone calls today to get some info on this.

-I didn't get around to posting a picture of my girls in their Halloween costumes. I will leave you with this: