a year later.

It's been almost a year I've stopped writing, and now i'm back. I don't know why but i suddenly felt the urge to write a little bit, and so i decided to visit blogger again.

Life so far has been good. It could've been better but i won't complain. Doing ND has been okay for me so far. Just that my sleeping hours are pretty cocked up and my meals are at strange hours ("bfast" at 6pm, "lunch" at 12am and no more for the rest of the day). And i'm spending what seems like lesser time with my mum than i alrdy was. Most of the time i'm either at work or i'm sleeping. Other times i'm out.

So i have to spend what seems like the weirdest hours with my mum.

I had breakfast with my mum about an hour ago at tampines. While we were on the way there my parents were nagging about the electricity bills and stuff. Though i'm partly a culprit behind this, i got irritated at how my dad was repeating again and again how the fees are going up. Just because they see me (and my sis's bf Joseph) playing on our computers in the wee hours of the morning. But that's about the only time i'm awake! So what can i do? I already am helping to pay the bills, so what else?

So i told my dad "okay, okay enough already!"

My dad was pissed at Joseph, but he took it out on me instead. He came over and scolded me in the morning when he woke up, and i kept quiet. But while on the way to breakfast, i decided, enough is enough already.

So we had our breakfast in silence. *shrugs

That aside, i had a really nice breakfast and enjoyed the ride back and forth. It's a beautiful sunday morning.

Thanks dad and mum.

It's time to go sleep.

these few weeks have been bad.

things haven't been going well, everything's fuckin up at the last minute. sudden changes and lots of pent up feelings in my body.

I know we have to adapt to changes, sometimes some things happen too sudden, too much negative feelings i'm not sure what the fuck to do.


once again, having problems with sleeping at night. no, i get to sleep fine. but i've been woken up in the middle of the night in fright almost daily.

You know what? I'll give that sleeping pill another go, this time I can sleep till late morning, so it shouldn't be a problem.

that's all for today.

cornered into the depths of despair,
i can't die in this sort of place..

my shifu once asked me before, if i think about work-related matters while off-work.

i remember i told her, that i don't.


well things have changed a lot and i've been pretty bogged down by work-related thoughts most of the time. i can't remember how many nights i spent tossing around my bed thinking about all these work problems.

it's as if i do not have enough of problems myself.

i've also had countless nightmares of myself failing to do my duties. i wake up with relief that it's only a dream - or a nightmare.

i don't understand why i'm so uptight with all these thoughts when i'm not at work. i just cant seem to de-stress over such matters..


my head's been aching at all the slightest triggers these days too. sigh.


i guess i still need time to cope with work.

i have to cope with it, and not run away from it.

hello everybody.

how's life for you?


life's been alright to me.



basically i don't have much to say. in any way, don't worry about me.

life will still go on and i'll only pray each day gets better.

trouble sleeping

i had trouble sleeping last night, tossed and turned in my bed for hours with all the events of the day flashing in my mind and the anger at the thought of them.

so i decided to take 1 of the sleeping pill that doc prescribed and slept.

i had a really nice sleep without waking once every other hour by every little bit of noise.


but in the morning, i woke up still feeling drowsy and numb. and continued going to work.

and i didn't even realise i took the wrong keys even after i'd checked them myself (took E2 instead of C2)

so i decided i'd never take the pills again. especially if i have to wake up early in the morning to work the next day.



it's damn awkward.

it's damn awkward talking about her at home.

i know, whenever i mention her name, my mum will feel sad.

so does my dad. so does 2nd sis.

so do i.


why? why does she have to let all of us suffer such pain?

i always say that i'd rather she be dead, but i know if she'd died the pain would be greater.


mum is going through a pretty tough time.

but she'd accepted the fact that sis wouldn't be back for quite some time.


"this is my life that i chose the man, none of your business"

"its your life. but you're my sister. how is this none of my business?"


why can't you just come back?

sick

i did not go to work today.


i woke up this morning with a bit of a headache but i was about to go to work when my sis came home.

the sight of her made me feel dizzy and my headache worsened.

i asked her two questions

"how much longer do you intend to be with him?"

no answer.


"when will you be coming home again?"

no answer.


i felt that i was in no shape to go to work with that aching head of mine, and reported sick.


the doctor prescribed painkillers and some sleeping pills for me, and told me to get some rest.



i don't know how much longer my sis is going to be with that creature.

but until then, i know our family will continue to suffer.

hell breaks loose

i'm angry.

i'm so angry.

so angry that i can't sleep.


really angry now, i really don't know where to channel this anger to.

this anger is like flowing up and down inside of me, with nowhere to go to.


i don't think i've felt this angry during work before.



i'm angry now, at home, because this anger is due to a family-related problem.

my dad just beat up someone today. he left him with cuts and bruises all over. it's the same someone whom i've been wanting to get my hands on. that ass of a human called the police, but did not press charges against my dad. he's got no balls to do that.



honestly i'm not sure if i'm in the right health to work. i've been feelin pretty worn-out, sick and tired from everything.

i'm really looking forward to my leave, which, hopefully i can take.

i should really sleep now.