things are better off this way, I am free to be whom i choose.

in the words of ms. on.
"you laugh because I've changed.
I laugh because you haven't."

that being said it's time to reach up and believe that someone can pull me from this challenge.


(MY HEROES)

i dont even know who you are anymore.

Dearest Friend,

You quit!
Fine.
I'll build without you!
We were suppose to be team leaders!
And you quit!
Fine.
I know what's going to happen.
And I know because I've heard everyone say it.
And I know they're right.
You'll be back.
We will see you again.

I would like to say one thing

I am ruined...

Everything is just a phase in my life.

phone chronicles

WE'RE ALL WAITING FOR SOMETHING
black coffee, bittered
water, no sugar please

DROWSY - - "RAY?"
atmosphere straddling me,
ice to water, dehydrating.
palm tree pasted sky,
focusing eyes, face near by.

A NON RECOMMENDED WAY TO MAKE MONEY

it's easy.
a single dub.
10.
it's kid's stuff .
what people sell in schools.
nug.
20.
what you're looking for is a stem.
1/8 easily 45.
most people will try and sell for 50.
here's what you say:
no, i know they sell for 40.
don't play me or you'll loose business.
it's almost always guaranteed to work.
people crack and you get your nugs and some crumbs for 45.
now Ray, let's think about this.
you sell the crumbs for ten.
that's your dub.
10 flat.
if there's at least 4 nugs, sell those nugs individually.
remember each nug runs for twenty.
4 nugs times twenty.
80.
remember the 10 from the dub?
10 plus 80 equals 90.
90 divided by two is 45.
enough to buy two 1/8ths.
or you could pocket 45 and reinvest 45.
if you choose to reinvest, each 45 could potentially turn into 90.
in this case 90 multiplied by two.
180.
cash out if you'd like.
you've made a bit of profit.
remember at this point people are likely looking to kill you but hey it's cool.*



* this is the recount of a conversation, details have been edited for the purpose of the author.

i learned a bit of magic

i dont think i need to make a personal effort to disappear.
you're doing it for me.

near by

i feel like i'm becoming white noise

.

Love Presented In Future English

this section is currently under revision

sorry for the inconvenience.

Discovery

Guess what?
Turns out I'm a modernist.


[Guardian Spirit of the Waters by Odilon Redon]

I want to be there...

Sometimes Joan talks about home; and I can't help but think, thats where I want be: home.

The Day After The First Day

i was so tired last night that I forgot to put my pants in the dryer.
dang!
I might have to be like Ivan and start asking everyone if they've seen my pants...

NON-DEEP POST #1

I've come to notice that I tend to listen to specific songs in specific seasons.
It's actually more like, some songs just sound better in specific seasons for example: Muse - Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist, sounds so much better in the spring/summer than in the winter.
I think it may have to do with then I first heard the song that has created a special bond in my mind.

feeling alone

Reshaping Who We Are [Who We Could Be]

let us pose the question of who we are,
i'd like to think i know who I am,
where it is i'm going, what it is i'm doing.
but how can i be absolutely sure?
what if my overall perception by other people is not how i would choose to perceive myself?
can i be who i want to be or is it that i'm obligated to be what other people want me to be?
for example if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, if that person finds no worth or value,
am i doomed to be nothing more than rubbish, unusable, unwanted?
maybe i can find value and worth someday.
maybe i can find exuberance and splendor.
maybe one day i can prove them wrong.
i say feed the insatiable, give them what it is they can't enough of.
allow them to feed upon the weak,
allow them to demonstrate their destructive behavior!
yet may they one day see the error of their ways,
even so may they look upon the past with a magnifying glass in protest and disgust.
after all who are they to judge?
after all who are they to say?
after all who are they?
they are who I make them.
and to ye i say, you are frigid, you are pale, you are in pain.
i know that you are because, not only is beauty in the eye of the beholder,
but all other aspects of persona and being.
i can shape you to be as i wish.
and with all my will,
and with all my want,
and with all my words,
i will redefine your being into a shapeless creature.

consider me gone

i want to build a gate;
semi-permeable, like cells have.
it will let you in when needed.
keep you out when needed.
from now on my personal life is mine.
i told you what you wanted to hear.
but that was my mistake.
i just need you to mind your own business.
i just need you not to pressure me.
i just need you to stop.
you're putting your self in danger.
stop.
stop.
stop.
please.
stop.
stop.
stop.

it's simple.
honest.

Indoors Due To Rain

four-year-olds can be shy.
there's this little Japanese girl,
i mean literally she just came from japan about five months ago.
you can imagine her English skills are poor to non-existent.
so i often find myself practicing my Japanese with her.
Well Friday, it rained.
Ame ga furimashita.
So the kids played indoors.
I've known this, I've observed this:
races will tend to stick together.
Whites with the Whites.
Chinese with the Chinese.
Latinos with the Latinos.
It's not always, but a majority of the time.
Thus, this holds true for the Japanese children.
Nihonjin no kodomotachi.
Meet Daichi, Kenda, Himari, Miyu, Seina and Naoto.
The Japanese kids.
They do pretty much everything together.
I've worked with each of the children.
Daichi is smart, thoughtful and relatively funny.
Kenda is still learning English, and has mistaken me for being Japanese.
Himari is quite, hard working and imaginative.
Miyu is one of my favorites, she's my translator, she's self-sufficient, playful and inquisitive.
Seina is bossy, sharp tonged, but made of sugar.
Naoto is silent, adjusting to a new society, really good a finger painting, and loves to sit on the swing set.
Friday.
It's raining.
Remember?
Kid's are inside playing.
Well, Daichi is sick.
Seina is playing dress up with Jacqueline.
Himari and Miyu are are talking.
Meanwhile, Kenda is searching for treasure: staples that have fallen to the ground.
Naoto is idly following Kenda, they exchange bits of conversation.
Then I notice it.
They're holding hands.
"Naoto and Kenda sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G"
I know with out a doubt it's innocent hand-holding, but I can't help reflecting upon my own life.
I think to my self.
They're four.
I'm almost nineteen.
And yes I was jealous.
Jealous that after almost nineteen years, I'm still alone.

loosing weight

i never wake up hungry.
i do mean never.
it takes me a little while to really acknowledge my hunger.
call me malnourished, but i'm nothing compared to people i know.
there's this girl, checked into the hospital because she refused to eat.
some of you may recognize this as anorexia.
her heart became weak.
doctors claim that her heart could stop at any moment.
it's funny.
the more you eat, theoretically, the more weight you gain.
the more weight you gain, the higher your chances health complications.
the less you eat, theoretically, the less you tend to weigh.
the lower your weight, the higher your chances of health complications.
eat too much and you die.
don't eat enough and you die.
it's a sick reality knowing that one day you will die.
the chance of you dying are: 1:1.
50 out of 50 people will die at some time in their life.
point being, this morning i started to get dressed, and found that my clothing was too big.