Lately
I’ve felt the need for a change. I recently started a second job and the
madness of having two jobs that take up all your time during the week and your
children’s extracurricular activities taking up the rest is starting to get to
me. I’ve felt more tired than I have in a long time. Yesterday was my birthday
(hold your applause) and so I don’t know if my age is catching up to me or if I’m
really not that happy with my current situation.
This last
12 months has been quite difficult for my family. We’ve had a bankruptcy,
endless collection calls, missed and late bill payments, 2 shoplifting
experiences, court dates, community service, sexual escapades, I could go on.
These along with now working 60 hours a week or more to make ends meet is hard.
There is no better word for it. I used to use this blog as a forum to express
my deepest thoughts and opinions. I just don’t care that much anymore. I’ve
become more jaded than ever before. I’ve steeled myself against my job,
politics, anything that may have consequence in my life. I miss those old days
where I could just pick a topic and ramble on ad nauseum. I don’t know if I can
muster that much thought to put into something so inane anymore. And I hate
that.
I don’t
want to just be a downer when writing here because there is hope. At least I
think there is. I’ve been looking for a new job that I can find meaning in.
Somewhere that I can be appreciated, looked to as an equal in the position and
not just some inconvenient dinosaur that won’t go away. Some incessant alarm
that won’t shut off and is constantly reminding everyone that I’m still here.
Maybe this can be a return to my former self when I had more hope. When my
future held more promise than it does now. I was still in school and I looked
at the world as having a multitude of possibilities. I’ve been in this rut so
long all I can see are the sides and the sky. I can’t see what’s around me
anymore.
So keep
your fingers crossed for me that I can find something that will help define me.
Or better yet something that I can define.
