"You Could Be Happy"

You could be happy and I won't know

But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said

Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were

But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure

I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are

You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you

And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to

Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go

Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

All in all i guess this sums it all up and also to where i am at right now..
over Ada, probably never.
But i've gotten used to my situation.
I've gotten used to everything thats happened.
Perhaps starting to laugh and smile again.
genuine? i don't know yet.
but i guess i'm in a place thats a little better than before..

But of course i say this now, until another mood swing hits and i crash again.....

stable? Far from it.....
happy? even further from it....

Time and space?

So it is said that Time and space heal all wounds....
Is it true? I think not....
There are wounds that just never heal.
Time and space just causes it to fester....
The hurt increases the pain multiplies.
There are just wounds that never heal.
Verily, i am inflicted with one such wound....

There was a period of time i thought that it had begun healing, begun mending.
I was so wrong ( as usual )
In fact all time and space had done was cover it up with surface events, like a bandage.
Until finally time came to change it, the wound only looked worse. it festered....

Yet strangely how do you amputate that which is not there?

What escapes do i have left? Death perhaps?
What choices do i have left for even a semblance of healing?

In trying to walk away, in trying to move on, i only found myself coming back full circle to a wound torn deeper and bleeding even heavier.

Truly how do i move on from here?
How do you get over letting go that special one that comes once in a lifetime?
That makes everything better by just being there.

How do you move on knowing that anything else that happens next will never compare to her?

how to move from finding your calling in god, and because of selfish and stupid reasons, you turn your back on that calling?

Where do you go from saying no to god?

Truly i say this in all solemnity and in all seriousness, i am not able to love any one else anymore.
not out of choice, of denying a person.
But purely because i can never love anyone else.... not after ada.

Do i live? No...
i exist.... but i do not live anymore....

never again....

Seperate Lives - Phil Collins and Marilyn Martin

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when youre alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We cant go on just holding on to time
Now that were living separate lives
Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now were living (living)Separate lives

Ooh, its so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, well go on living separate lives
Yes for now, well go on living separate lives
Separate lives

4 months on.....

4 months on and i find myself still in a lot of pain....
delving deep into myself would be swimmiing through an ocean of pain, misery, heartache, sorrow, sadness, anger, rage, guilt and most of all shame.....

What hurts the most? the sharp pain of a loss or the dull ache of an emptiness deep where your heart is? i know the answer...

Still i'm haunted each night by fever dreams, of what was. Haunted by dreams of the promises of a future now long past.

I close my eyes and all i see is still Ada....
I try to find peace within myself only to have it ripped apart.
Trapped in a maze of memories, caught by what could have been had i not been so foolish.

God i just want to rip my heart out.

Heartless and Souless.

I am no more....
I Am Dead.