a new beginning

marcus... thank you for allowing me to be here... to be in your life while you are going through in the midst of understanding how you can let go of a relationship... i too understand it was not easy... i was there once... but it was only till i met you that i realized you are perfect and you are that one... the one that people spend their whole lives looking for but never found... i will not let go... it has only been a few days but it feels like i have known you forever... i guess our golden rule was that everything we had been through was a build up to who we are today and i am here... i wanna be here to walk you every step of the way... averil

What Hurts The Most

"What Hurts The Most"

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don’t bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok

But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I’m doin’ It

It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone

Still Harder

Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you

That’s what I was trying to do

"You Could Be Happy"

You could be happy and I won't know

But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said

Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were

But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure

I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are

You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you

And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to

Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go

Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

All in all i guess this sums it all up and also to where i am at right now..
over Ada, probably never.
But i've gotten used to my situation.
I've gotten used to everything thats happened.
Perhaps starting to laugh and smile again.
genuine? i don't know yet.
but i guess i'm in a place thats a little better than before..

But of course i say this now, until another mood swing hits and i crash again.....

stable? Far from it.....
happy? even further from it....

Time and space?

So it is said that Time and space heal all wounds....
Is it true? I think not....
There are wounds that just never heal.
Time and space just causes it to fester....
The hurt increases the pain multiplies.
There are just wounds that never heal.
Verily, i am inflicted with one such wound....

There was a period of time i thought that it had begun healing, begun mending.
I was so wrong ( as usual )
In fact all time and space had done was cover it up with surface events, like a bandage.
Until finally time came to change it, the wound only looked worse. it festered....

Yet strangely how do you amputate that which is not there?

What escapes do i have left? Death perhaps?
What choices do i have left for even a semblance of healing?

In trying to walk away, in trying to move on, i only found myself coming back full circle to a wound torn deeper and bleeding even heavier.

Truly how do i move on from here?
How do you get over letting go that special one that comes once in a lifetime?
That makes everything better by just being there.

How do you move on knowing that anything else that happens next will never compare to her?

how to move from finding your calling in god, and because of selfish and stupid reasons, you turn your back on that calling?

Where do you go from saying no to god?

Truly i say this in all solemnity and in all seriousness, i am not able to love any one else anymore.
not out of choice, of denying a person.
But purely because i can never love anyone else.... not after ada.

Do i live? No...
i exist.... but i do not live anymore....

never again....

Seperate Lives - Phil Collins and Marilyn Martin

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when youre alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We cant go on just holding on to time
Now that were living separate lives
Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now were living (living)Separate lives

Ooh, its so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, well go on living separate lives
Yes for now, well go on living separate lives
Separate lives

4 months on.....

4 months on and i find myself still in a lot of pain....
delving deep into myself would be swimmiing through an ocean of pain, misery, heartache, sorrow, sadness, anger, rage, guilt and most of all shame.....

What hurts the most? the sharp pain of a loss or the dull ache of an emptiness deep where your heart is? i know the answer...

Still i'm haunted each night by fever dreams, of what was. Haunted by dreams of the promises of a future now long past.

I close my eyes and all i see is still Ada....
I try to find peace within myself only to have it ripped apart.
Trapped in a maze of memories, caught by what could have been had i not been so foolish.

God i just want to rip my heart out.

Heartless and Souless.

I am no more....
I Am Dead.

Love?

What is love?

Love is patient, love is kind.
It is not jealous, it is not pompous,
It is not inflated, it is not rude,
it does not seek its own interests,
it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
it does not rejoice over wrongdoingbut rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.


This is today's reading.
It funny how i thought i knew love. but in fact i didn't.
I let so much get in the way of what love really is.
I let myself forget so many things.

I guess the price has already been paid. a price much too high and much too dear.
Life was definately more bearable with her around.
Life was definately brighter and more vibrant.

Its amazing the difference a single soul can make.
The love you can have for a single soul and that love makes it all so different.
So much more worth.
So much more of everything.

Simple put... i really haven't gotten over anything yet...
i thought i had, but all that really happened was that i really buried everything so deep inside.

I'm not brave, i'm really a coward. running from everything. running from the pain.
running from the hurt and running from the sorrow.

Will i ever be brave enough to turn around and face it? i don't know...