What reeeeally not to wear

Yes, I have been imprisoned in my house low these 4 past days due to bronchitis fun. This afternoon, though, have finally been feeling more human and have thusly continued on my closet purging of clothes. On the "get rid of" list has been - sad - three suits my mom bought me for Rush week in college. Yes, that would have been for spring semester of my freshman year, 1998. And while I am quite excited that those suits actually fit me, and are in fact, a little too big on me, it was time to say goodbye.
Also on the list have been several newer, more contemporary items which simply no longer fit. For these items, I had to try on and was surprised everytime that they were too big for me now. It is weird to wrap one's brain around a significant weight-loss, and something I am still working on. Physical changes are waaaaay easier to handle for me than mental/emotional changes. I am kind of horrified now when I look at clothes that I bought 15 months ago, and realize how unhealthy I had been living there for a while. Not that clothing size determines health, but in my case, I have too many genetic factors against me to risk being so overweight- even obese at my biggest. It's eye-opening. Being tall, I've always gotten away with carrying extra weight, but now I am on a path to reaching a healthy BMI for my body. It's a hard, but good, path. Step by step....
Ok. Back to the cleaning out of the closets go I...

Friiiiiiiday night hiiiigh

..... On cough meds, that is. Spent two days home in my pj's.
Been inspired to continue my closet cleaning by watching old "what not to wear" episodes. I have a long way to go, but am making baby-steps in my progress towards the excavation of my little place. When I can breathe again, I will continue along this route.
Happy weekend to all!

Friday Five - Winter Olympics

1) Which of the Winter Olympic sports is your favorite to watch? Men's hockey; figure skating and anything with skis or snowboards.

2) Some of the uniforms have attracted attention this year, such as the US Snowboarders' pseudo-flannel shirts and jeans and the Norwegian Curling team's -- ahem -- pants. Who do you think had the best-looking uniforms? Bermuda! I love that they always sport the shorts!

3) And Curling. Really? What's up with that? No clue. Have yet to watch any.

4) Define Nordic Combined. Don't look it up. Take a guess if you must. Ski jump then cross-country (aka: Nordic) skiing. And USA took home Gold AND Silver in this!

5) If you could be a Winter Olympics Champion just by wishing for it, which sport would you choose for winning your Gold Medal? Maybe snowboard-cross. That's pretty badass.

What's on your life list?

2009 was momentous for many resons, both good and bad. And in many ways, I have been struggling to get out of 2009 and move ahead in 2010- a year which, thus far, seems to be bringing on a season of joy. Baby steps!

It's almost 11:30 PST - an hence, my Lenten bedtime - so this will be brief. I've never really liked the term "bucket list," but I like the concept of having a list of things/dreams for one's life. The events of the past year have made me even more introverted for the moment, and definitely more introspective, and I've started trying to sort out the chaff from the wheat of what is really important. Besides continually nurturing my relationships and making sure that the people I love know it, I've decided upon a few things for my "life list."
in random order:
- visit all of the US National Parks (and as many as possible with my dad)
- see the northern lights in Alaska. In winter.
- go on one of those one-way round-the-world plane tickets
- get married to a "partner in crime"
- get decent at a winter sport (that's the olympics talking)
- Make it to the top of a 14er
- not have a heart attack at the age of 53, as did my mom and grandma
- support myself doing something I am completely passionate about
- figuring out what that would be ( see above )
- learn how to shoot
- clean out my house ( that's on the shortlist)

slowly but surely

...I am getting back into the blog of things...heh.

So, it's Friday of a promising weekend ahead. Tonight is comedy club night with the girls...should be fun(ny). I hope so!
Tomorrow - weather pending - hiking and a belated Mardi Gras dinner party. I'm making a king cake and jambalaya...mmmm. Sunday is church and hair cut.

LAST weekend was spent up in Seattle. I was up there with about 7 other folks from SF to celebrate a friend's 40th bday (who know lives up there) What a gorgeous city - the water and the mountains right there together is an amazing combination!! True, it rains a lot...but then everything is so green and lush, I can appreciate that. Walking around the city, I felt like I matched the people there in my outfit of waterproof coat and shoes, fleece, and jeans. Felt good.

Best news of the weekend? BFF AZ got engaged! Also, KWF's sister got engaged! SO, this year is the year of THREE BIG WEDDINGS to attend. I am so excited!!!

ANYWAY. Glad it's Friday. What are y'all doing this weekend?

lent

I've been thinking about whether or not to give something up for Lent and/or why I would be doing it.

One thing that comes to mind is giving myself an actual bedtime. That's not giving up something tangible, so to speak, but it is a sacrifice, because I just putter around at night (when I'm not in rehearsals) and waste time I could use for something else.

I might try it.

11pm on 'schoolnights' with a little leeway for Friday and Saturday evenings. hmm.

Friday Five: Fab February

1. When February comes along, how do you feel about the coming month?
I get excited for February because Sibling's birthday happens, and the weather in SF is usually lovely with the flowering trees starting to blossom.

2. What memories do you have about Valentine's Day? Are you doing anything to observe it this year? I've only had a romantic Valentine on the Day of twice ever, including last year. The past two years running, Valentine's Day was spent in CO celebrating Christmas with P. This year will be very different - I'm attending a friend's 40th birthday celebration on Valentine's Day in Seattle.

3. It is interesting that Monday's "Presidents Day" is not officially called that in every state. It is a U.S. federal holiday entitled "Washington's Birthday." Which is your favorite president and why? Favorite president? Really? I don't know that I have one, apart from Washington...since it's his reason we get a day off of work!!

4. Will you be celebrating Shrove Tuesday or Mardi Gras? How? Oh yes. Well, will be celebrating a few days late into Lent at party and will bake a king cake for that. For the actual Tuesday, I will be out celebrating ANOTHER friend's birthday (I know lots of February Babies, apparently). Also? I will wear purple and beads to work.

5. Any other ways to celebrate in February? Will celebrate Sibling's and my Aunt's birthday long-distance, and am looking forward to my mini-vacation to the Pacific Northwest. ooh - and the Olympics start tonight!!! Very excited about that.

Happy super- bowling! (it's a national holiday, right?)

Geaux Saints!
And hellooooooo blogosphere!
It has been an eventful month or so, and I have wanted do many times to blog, but usually upon very depressing themes. So. To recap.... Have been really busy with a well-reviewed show and that is over right now and on to springish-time. I am headed to Seattle for a friends 40th birthday celebration over the long weekend. Sibling is currently snowed in (again) in philadelphia.
Tis a new year, hopefully full of much joy and spirit. Here's to 2010. Hope everyone is well out there in cyberspace!

Slow to anger...

Forgiveness for me comes fairly easy...I am typically not one to hold a grudge. However, if you betray my trust - and I forgive you - do not expect that trust to be instantaneously reinstated. Trust, once lost, is very difficult for me to re-extend.
I had an unfortunate experience today, and one I hope not to repeat anytime soon. Suffice to say that when I get angry - not often at all - you do not want to be on the receiving end. And this was righteous anger, but I do not like being in such a mental state as this. Forgiveness will be quick... But hurt, anger and mistrust might be around for a bit. I suppose prayer is in order. Good thing, too, or I might do something I'd regret.

Where's my jetpack?

It's the future! At least, "2010" feels futuristic in the sense that it is such a weird number in a way. I mean, as a kid, I thought 2000 was waaaay in the future, and now we're an entire decade past that. Crazy!

I am way too tired and tipsy to philosophize about the year to come at the moment, so, I'll just say Happy New Year to you and yours!

I love this!

I love this!

Katisha's lament

One of my big moments from Monday evening's performance was of this aria from The Mikado. Singing it now is vastly different from singing it last year. The emotions in this aria are more real than acted...however, that being said, Katisha and I differ in one important thing: she has lost hope, and I still have Hope.

My heart is heavily laden today...someone I know suffered a tragic loss yesterday. I have not the liberty to share details on such a public forum as the internet, suffice to say that the below lament - unfortunately - applies perfectly to the situation. Prayers are needed.

Alone! and yet, alive.
Oh, sepulcher, my soul is still my body’s prisoner.
Remote the peace that death alone can give…
My doom to wait!
My punishment . . . to live.

Hearts do not break,
They sting and ache for old love’s sake,
But do not die.
Though with each breath, they long for death,
As witnesseth the living I.
The living I.

O living I,
Come tell me why when hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
Why linger here, where all is drear?

O living I,
Come tell me why when hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
May not a cheated maiden die?
May not a cheated maiden die?

on a lighter note

Had one of my favorite gigs tonight - something that has turned into an annual event the past few years. I sing with one particular company quite a bit, and one of their major donors has taken to the habit of throwing a big party long about this time of year, and every year he's 'hired' full productions to be the featured entertainment. Sets, costumes, wigs, orchestra...even rents out a local theater. And then there's a big party afterward to which we are all invited. And it is great fun, because the atmosphere is festive, the audience happy, small and intimate, and just a good time guaranteed by our lovely host. This evening was no different. That, and - if you were to break down the hourly wage, it's the best paying gig of the season, too.

It's funny - these particular kinds of gigs - because I always feel a little like someone living in some kingdom somewhere...and then...it's like the King has summoned his Evening Entertainment. BRING ME THE ARTISTS! And, there we arrive, on the King's private stage. And he, along with the entire court, watches us. Sometimes the surreality of professional theater strikes me just *so*. It's very strange at times. But usually in a good way.

Our show went off without a hitch, minus the fact that is was FREEZING backstage. No heat, whatsoever, and oh yes it's about 39 degrees here in SF. brrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Great show, great time getting all dolled up afterward, great trio playing at the reception, great cha-cha-cha-ing with my lovely friend F, and great wine. And schmoozing. And merry-making and feels like the holiday season has officially started now. I am so glad :)

Thank you Jesus for the cha-cha-cha! And a talented dance partner! That is a sure-fire happy time right there!

splat

This fall this has been more of a "doom and gloom" place for me to just get everything out that needs to be gotten out of my brain, more than any other type of thing. It's easy, because I can vomit out the words, watch them splat on my screen and then - kinda, anyway - get on with my tasks for the day or whathaveyou. So. More splatting.

When it rains, it pours. And I don't write this to get sympathy, but I write it because I need to get it out of my system. The day before Thanksgiving, a wonderful lady and friend from church passed away from cancer. She was older, but not old, and was an amazing prayer warrior. And I know she's much happier now, but it still hurts on this side of things. And I'm sad I could not go to her memorial service, because I was out of town and didn't know about it until the day of, and could not get off of work to go. I also found out this week that a dear friend and colleague is incurably ill (some form of cancer) and I can't say more about it here because of confidentiality things...but all to say that said person is way to young, and has a family and ... ugh. And then just today, I awaken to the news that ANOTHER friend - also young - and a music colleague is in the hospital for some unknown brain malfunctioning or something. I mean. Wow. I know God's not gonna let me flounder with more than I can handle (with His help), but...really....I am at my limit.

I am somewhat depressed. The shock of Katie's death has - mostly - worn off, and I know that that's why I am not myself, and that regular life feels so surreal to me. The depression, though, comes in waves and some days are great, and some are shitty. And it's weird because I can't control it. Yesterday was great. Celebrated AZ's birthday, had a good walk (minus stepping in dog poop), iced cupcakes, and spent a fantastic evening celebrating a loved friend - awesome. This morning? I couldn't get out of bed. I don't think I would have been able to move had a bomb been set off outside my window...I just could not make myself move. If I didn't have to be at rehearsal in an hour - I would stil be asleep, and could sleep through until tomorrow. As it was, getting out of bed at noon was almost an insurmountable task. ARGH. And yes, I feel like I am having more ups than downs compared to say...a month ago...but still...it's just weird. And I know I am not the only one who is experiencing this, and it's helpful to be able to talk to my peeps who are going through this with me - because they get it, and we can all lean on each other.

Even on the shitty days, though, God has proven to me that all is not drear - because there has been the most wonderful pattern of Him giving me an undoubtedly joyful ending to said days...one day, it was getting to rehearsal and only having to bang on cymbals really loudly; the other night, it was getting to be home and watching the Pixar short films which are soooo happy; or laughing so hard I cried with friends...so...I am very thankful for that.

So. I head into my marathon afternoon and evening of rehearsal today full of expectation of God's greatness to shine through to me today. Because only His light is capable of piercing through my fog right now, and that takes many different forms, and for that I am grateful.

giving of thanks

Thanks - to all - for the words of encouragement, comments and phone calls alike over this past month. I am still here...just...haven't really felt like writing for a bit, because everytime I do, it all comes down to just memories of K (see? even this post does that!)

Anyway. I hope everyone had a nice Turkey Day. I had a lovely one - home with family and friends - and it was time well-spent in rest and surrounded with beloved folks.

I have much else going on in my life right now! December is usually very busy singing-wise, and this year proves no different. Apart from this Saturday - I won't have any days off for three weeks! So, off to bed for me.

I will say, however, that Obama's speech tonight made me run the gamut of emotions: proud, confident, heart-sick and curious. Overall, it was a good speech - he has a lot of balancing to do on this one - but I just hope and pray that we don't hit the 'too little, too late' wall on this one, though, with A-stan's history over the millenia, that might indeed be the case.
I'm personally highly invested in this so-called 'surge' supposed to be happening over the next 6 months, so I wait with baited breath to see who gets orders when.

God bless and protect the troops, that's all I have to say about it tonight...

finding words

I have never been the best spoken-word communicator. I was always a shy kid, retreating to the piano or other creative endeavors to really give voice to what I was feeling or thinking.

It is the same now. I have a hard time actually putting into words - aloud - everything I am feeling and how I am handing life at the moment. Combine that with the fact that K seems to be on my mind constantly, and I just have a wonderfully inept lack of conversational skills at the moment. Writing things down is a little different...there is a delete key, and the freedom of time.

Once again I am so very thankful that at least in theater, people GIVE me lines to say, so I don't have to worry about it - ha! My inner introvert smiles. And, as far as the rest of my time goes during the day, I can play very well the part of "executive assistant extraordinaire."

Last evening I had one of those aforementioned inept moments. I went to see an orchestra concert at my alma mater here, and it was a celebration of Ernest Bloch's music. Mr. Bloch had been the first director of said institution of higher learning, and his grandson and great-grandson came to bestow some treasures for the library and students.

The program was stunning. Absolutely stunning and moving. It has been a long time since I was able to sit in the audience of a 'classical' music concert and just . . . listen. And be moved. And take in the whole experience without forcibly silencing that part of my brain which constantly analyzes and critiques 'classical' performances. The first part of the program, "Baal Shem" - violin and piano in three parts: Contrition, Improvisation, Rejoicing - brought me to tears. It was a beautiful piece of live creation...something very special.

Right before the second half began, I was speaking to one of my favorite former professors, and we were talking about what I had learned from my time there in Grad School, and so forth. I knew what I wanted to say, but I wasn't forming any cohesive thoughts and suddenly I burst out - totally a non sequitor - about Katie and then I apologized and said, "I can't find my words about anything these days." As the lights dimmed for the second half of the program, my sage professor grabbed my hand and said, "Then stop talking. And listen to the music."

And that's what I did.

Bloch's Sacred Service is subtitled: A Sabbath morning service according to the Union Prayer Book for Cantor, mixed chorus and full orchestra:
Meditation
Sanctification
Silent Devotion
Returning the Scroll to the Ark
Vaanachnu [Adoration]
Benediction

The entire experience of listening to Sacred Service was impressive, to say the least. The text (all Biblical) was a reminder to me that I am not alone and that God will hear my calls of grief and questioning and anything else that comes up. I know of all this - but to have a whole concertized reminder is really something else.

On that day will the Lord be One and His name One.
And now ere we part, let us call to mind
those who have finished their earthly course
and have been gathered to the eternal home.
Though vanished from bodily sight,
they have not ceased to be, and it is well with them;
they abide in the shadow of the Most High.
Let those who mourn for them be comforted;
let them submit their aching hearts to God,
for he is just and wise and merciful in all his doings,
though no man, no man, can comprehend his ways.
In the divine order of nature, both life and death,
joy and sorrow, serve beneficent ends,
and in the fullness of time we shall know why we are tried
and why our love brings us sorrow as well as happiness.
Wait patiently, all ye that mourn, and be ye of good courage,
for surely your longing souls shall be satisfied. -Vaanachnu

I will admit that I have had two glasses of wine tonight prior to writing this.
I came in from rehearsal and - having spent the better part of my down time between work-allergy shots - rehearsal - in tears, I decided it was time to crack open a bottle of Katie's favorite Italian fizzy wine.

And crack it open I did.

However, having lost a bit of weight over the last 7 months (30 pounds and counting), I cannot hold my alcohol like I used too, and am now a little tipsy.
Oh well. Nor to worry - I have too much singing to do this month to abuse any alcohol. Tonight was extenuating circumstances: Katie's mom had asked for memories of Katie ... so, tonight, I wrote a reallllly long letter about her for her parents.

But earlier today...it was Fort Hood that sent me over the edge. I am already in a delicate balance of just making it through my day in one piece without bursting into tears...every unoccupied moment is consumed with memories of Katie and I am having a hard time breaking that cycle. Good for me, though, that I have my job, and three shows this fall to concentrate on. BUT Fort Hood. WHAT THE F*CK happened over there?? It just sent me into a tail-spin thinking of all the people I love and care about in the military, living and working on bases around the world and I just...it was the last straw on the camel's back of my holding-it-togetherness today.

In talking to a friend also realllllly affected by Katie's death....I admitted that I am not angry. I am not at that stage - I don't know if I ever will be. Mostly I still don't believe it. I saw her body laying there with my own eyes...saw the horrible color of lipstick they put on her (she would've complained) and yet? My mind DOES NOT GRASP the truth. And when it *starts* to grasp it - if I think about it too long - I burst into tears.
And then? The most irrational part of this... grief... is that I feel guilty!! Guilty that I was one of the last members of her "extended" family to see her alive, not her parents or sister. Also - stupidly enough, I feel guilty that we share a name - spelled differently - so that whenever I talk to her mom, she has to hear the same name. All of this is completely irrational and ridiculous, I KNOW...but it's still there, and I don't know what to do with it.

I ... I don't know. I don't know what to do. Counseling? More crying? Being really busy to the point that I just don't have time to think about anything (that'll work until Thanksgiving...we celebrated all major holidays together with our families)??? I am not sure yet. But it's always in these wee hours of the evening or morning that are the hardest.

(Lest I be all doom and gloom....there is still much to be thankful for:
Thankful for K's family and her two beautiful boys and wonderful husband.
Thankful for myself getting healthier.
Thankful for loved ones all over the world.
Thankful for being alive.)

WTF???

This is not good: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_fort_hood_shooting

Our soldiers do NOT need to be worrying about being shot on their own US bases.

FORT HOOD, Texas – The U.S. Army says 12 people have been killed and 31 wounded in a shooting rampage on the Fort Hood Army base in Texas. Lt. Gen Bob Cone said at a news conference that one shooter has been killed and two suspects were apprehended on Thursday. He says they are all U.S. soldiers.
The shooting began around 1:30 p.m. Cone says that all the casualties took place at the base's Soldier Readiness Center where soldiers who are about to be deployed or who are returning undergo medical screening.
He says the primary shooter used two handguns in the attack.


**updated**
New(er) article from SFGATE: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2009/11/05/national/a124633S09.DTL

Life vs. Art, part ...infinity

I am singing the below in public in 12 days. It's not easy to sing right now, but such is life. And art. And ... something about 'fake it till you make it' and 'the show must go on,' and hell, even method acting. Why not?
The past two weeks have been the absolute worst and hardest 14 days of my life-to-date. That is not to say that there have not been any roses among this thorn patch - there are several - but I feel as if the "He will not give you more than you can handle" promise from God has been liberally tested. This period has been more difficult than my mom's heart attack and more difficult than my father's heart valve surgery (don't get me started on *my* genetic pool)...and all I know is that I am still crying myself to sleep at night. And probably will continue to do so for a while.

But...the music plays on...maybe there is some catharsis in my near future (life) from this near future (art). God knows. Hopefully He'll let me in on it, too.

Sigh.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As their tear your hopes apart
As they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came.

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather.

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seems
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.