Pictures in my mind

I was introduced to Creative.Visualization back in college by a professor of mine, Ms. Lane.Chua. I think I asked her about what had happened to me. I wasn't sure if I dreamt what happened or I just thought about it but the point was, whatever I was thinking actually came true. She said that most likely I must have visualized it and told me to check out this book by Shakti.Gawain. We didn't have time to discuss what it is about but she gave me the name and the author of the book. I have the book and have read it many times. The concept behind Creative.Visualization is that "it is an art of using mental imagery and affirmation to produce positive changes in your life." It sounds really simple but when what you have visualized actually happens to you, you start to question whether its true or not and if its coincidence or fate.

I have had two instances wherein what I thought of actually happened. Maybe there was more but so far these two are the most poignant ones. The first one was almost ten years ago. I think I was thinking about it just a week prior it actually happened. It was eerily right on the dot too: from start to finish from what the other person was going to say to what my reply would be. It was like I wrote my own script and directed my own self when it happened. It was a weird feeling. It was more than deja vu. Though I found it odd I was actually thankful because it gave me the courage and put me in the right frame of mind when it actually happened. I also believe that I can credit my visualization as to why after all that happened, that person and I are still friends and closer than ever. I may have said the wrong things had I not visualize it and could have cost me a good friend.

The second one happened early this year in this blog of all places. To say that this time was shocking is an understatement. Unlike the first one where it was to the letter, this time around there was a slight difference but the fact remains that I have thought of it before and its actually happening. I was just toying with the possibility of it but I didn't realize that it would come true. I was in a panic because there was a continuation of it. In other words a part two. Though, so far, part two hasn't happened yet but theres a possibility that it will in the near future and I don't know how prepared I am going to be when that happens. Or maybe part two is already happening but I just don't know yet.

The weird thing is I usually visualize to put myself to sleep. I have been warned by my mom so many times not to read in bed but in instances that I am not yet sleepy but have to, I turn to visualization. Its like "reading" myself a bedtime story. I don't tell people much about this. I have been told that I am weird one too many times and I thought this only happened to me. These are the roots of my hesitation. But after Kaytee blogged about it, I realized I wasn't alone. She asked some really good points, is it just the power of wishful thinking? Is it coincidence? Or is it fate?

I haven't stopped visualizing. Like I said it puts me to sleep but after two of my visualizations came true, I am hesitant to do it anymore. What if it comes true again? How ready am I to face it? But if this is really what I want to happen in my life, why am I afraid of it coming true? Maybe because I am afraid to discover that its just a coincidence and these were nothing more than just pictures in my mind that I came up with. Or maybe because I am afraid to discover that it is fate's way of telling me and I don't know how to go about it. Or maybe it can be coincidence or fate and believing and following it might just put me face to face with pain.

Or maybe I really should just stop thinking too much about it.

Awaken your passion

My cousin shared this with us through email. I don't know who wrote it and I don't think he knows either so I give credit to whoever that was so brilliant to write this.

~ * ~ *

What desires have you left behind that you would like to have back?

What dreams have you avoided that were meant to show you who you are?

It is never too late to recapture the passion that, after all, gives life to your life.

Every moment holds the possibility of real meaning and fulfillment.
Remember what it felt like when you felt you could not live without your heart's desire?
Listen to what that feeling has to say to you now.
There is a living spirit within you that knows no boundaries or limits.
Experience again how great it feels to let that spirit soar.

Life can beat you down, close your mind and imprison your spirit, but only if you let it.
Choose not to let it.

Reach into yourself and awaken your passion with a gentle and loving caress.

Live the fulfillment that you know you must have.

School Spirit

When I first read about this in Ate Joelle's blog, I didnt think much of it but credit a boring afternoon at work and I just discovered a new source of entertainment. This is a must see for any La Sallian.

Disclaimer: If you are a non La Sallian, sense of humor required. =)

I'd rather be GREEN

MYMP Meets South Border

Katz Entertainment is producing the Los Angeles leg of MYMP's First US Tour with South Border on:

September 15, 2006, Friday at 9PM
The Grove in Anaheim
2200 East Katella Avenue
Anaheim CA 92806
(714) 712 - 2700

For tickets call: Katz Entertainment (562) 787-9030.

Clutter in the storage

"These things...little things...stupid things were left unsaid. And all these things that were left unsaid, piled up, like the clutter in our storage room. There were too much left unsaid, we barely said anything at all."

- Gabe's Dad, Little Manhattan

This line in the movie Little*Manhattan caught my attention. It is very true. In our life, in our relationship with the people around us we sometimes have so many things that are left unsaid, almost like the clutter in the storage room. We keep on piling things up in the storage room and not cleaning it once in awhile and before we know it, it has become so full that we have no room to move around. Its the same with feelings. The more we keep things in, our hearts become so heavy and before we know it our pent up emotions has eaten us up and has reached heights beyond repair. This has happened to a lot of us and most of the time it signals the demise of a lot of relationships. I think and I believe that no relationship ends, its just that we allowed it to die by not talking, by not communicating. Its sad.

"Why didn't you just say 'em then?"

Gabe asked his dad this to which his dad could not reply or probably didn't know how to respond to. As I was watching it, I thought wow, I am getting a lesson from an 11 year old character in this movie. But his question was valid, why didn't we just say what we have to say rather than allowing them to be left unsaid?

"I don't know. I kind of wish I had!" - Gabe's dad

When I was younger, I had some resentment with Papa. It was because I am the eldest and I felt that he expected too much from me. He had so high expectations that in my effort to reach them was stressing me out and keeping me away from him. But instead of talking to him, I kept things in and I was distancing myself from him. For some time there was an invisible wall between the two of us. We still talked but our relationship has changed. It wasn't what it used to be. I didn't think I would be able to talk to him about him. Until Papa missed his early morning flight home to T.acloban after visiting my sister and me in M.anila. This happened probably almost 10 years ago but I still remember it vividly and will forever be thankful to it. I feel that he overslept and missed his flight for a reason.

It was 5 AM and my class wasn't until noon and his next flight wasn't until that afternoon. We sat across each other in the dining table and for reasons I still don't know until now, we just started talking. I told him what I felt and my difficulties and he listened and explained. For that moment, we were not only father-daughter but we were two adults talking. I think I cried and he consoled me. It felt good. I felt light and I felt free. I think we both learned a viable lesson and that's anything can be resolved if we talk about it and listen to each other. Since then, my relationship with Papa and everyone in my family has improved tremendously. Sure we still have our moments but as soon as things calm down we let the other person know so it can be resolved. I wrote Papa a letter after that. To thank him for listening and understanding. I don't remember what else I wrote but I bet that letter is kept somewhere safe in my parents room.

After that point in my life, I realized that I don't want it to happen again nor would I want any of my siblings to feel that they cant go to our parents or to each other if they have something important to say. I didn't want us to be like maybe some families wherein as the children get older and having their own way of thinking that its the start of discourse and disagreement. Sure we have disagreements but most often is that we all agree to disagree. We respect each other's views and opinions. We may not always like what we hear and not always agree with whatever it is but we take it. Not necessarily follow it but we just take it. We can disagree with it all we want but it wouldn't stop us from saying what needs to be said and maybe that's what makes a big difference. We don't hide things in. If I disagree with what one of my siblings said or did, I am going to let them know and vice versa. We may not always like what we hear but at least its already being brought out into the open rather than keeping it in and waiting for that time that things will be so hard to keep in any longer and resentment comes in place. I don't know if my siblings will agree with me or not but I don't say my opinions to them because I am the eldest and I feel I am entitled to that. I will give it as a fellow human being, a fellow adult. I think there comes a point in each family that children are no longer ruled by birth order and all just become individuals walking in this world.

We are pretty lucky that our parents allow us to say when we have something to say. We can tell them what we think AS LONG AS we still keep that level of respect that them being as our parents are entitled to. Since they are treating us as adults, we must give the same courtesy. We have never and will never ever raise our voice at our parents no matter how frustrating it is. I don't think any of us has talkback to our parents. Reason out, yes we have but not talk back. When we reason out to our parents, they know that we mean no disrespect. There are times that it can be frustrating when the stubbornness comes in place. During these times, we just drop it and rant amongst us siblings or to Mama when its about Papa or to Papa when its about Mama. LOL Does this negate the whole "letting it out thing"? Not all because by ranting to other members of the family, there is a big probability that it will still get to the person involved. My siblings keep me sane during times like these and I think I do the same to them. The difference between reason out and talk back is in the delivery and the tone. We also do not involve ourselves in things we shouldn't be involved in. We intervene but not get involved. This is the reason why I told my parents that if they need to talk to anyone of us, its should just be them and whoever it is. The last thing we want the person involved to feel is that we are all ganging up on him/her. We also make an effort not to cut in when someone is talking. Not only is it rude but I think it "fuels the fire" even more. We wait for our turn to speak. We listen so that we will be listened to.

We don't live perfect lives. There are also times that we get irritated with each other. When the discussion is starting to get intense, we step back rather than say things that we may not mean and may be hurtful. That or we just log off on IM all of a sudden or stop texting back or say a quick bye and turn off the phone. We also go on days when we prefer not to talk to each other. Just some space, some time apart, allowing things to calm down. In time, as things settle down, we can go back again and talk things through. When we are all highly emotional, we are not able to think straight and sometimes what we need to convey are not conveyed in the right way. Plus, people tend to be defensive when we approach them in an "attacking" stance and its not going to resolve anything.

"I just cleared some old stuff out of the storage room."

I don't know whether what we are doing as a family is right or wrong but its working for us. By letting our thoughts, feelings and opinions out in the open, we are not keeping things in that might just tear all of us apart. We may hurt each other from time to time during the process but we also heal along the way. The best part is we heal together.

Eating goo

Okay I am not really eating goo but oatmeal. Much as I would want to put a picture, I prefer not to. I am not a big fan of oatmeal. No offense to those who love it but as my co-worker pointed out it feels like I am eating glue. It does at least the sweet kind. Okay that sounds like I know what glue tastes like, I don't. The maple and brownsugar makes it sweeter and much stickier. But I prefer this rather than the plain ones. This, I can tolerate. Put in some bananas, they don't taste bad at all.

If I dislike it so much why am I eating it? Well I have to. Today marks the day that I need to make some changes health wise. I had a scare two weeks ago when I felt some discomfort in my chest. Then my lab works confirmed it. My cholesterol is high for my age and weight. All those eating at family parties are catching up on me. Its not like I over indulge at parties or eat bad food. I don't, but my family history as I have said is also working against me. That should have been my warning from the very beginning but did I listen to it? No. I was banking on my age and fast metabolism rate to carry me through only for it to turn its back on me. Geez, I am being melodramatic about it. In any case, I really have to make some changes. Eat healthy, live an active lifestyle because I definitely don't want to start taking medications this early. NO WAY!! Maybe this is my chance to finally follow through what I have long been planning to do. All I needed was a figure on my lab report to knock some sense into me.

This is going to be tough doing by myself so I have commissioned my sister, cousins and other family members to be my police plus either they already have high cholesterol or have no plans of having one so we would be helping each other. We all actually have been doing something little by little but we slip once in awhile, I know I do. But this time, no slipping. No more!

Camille - please not a word to Papa and Mama. They already have so many to think about, I don't want to add. =)

$@*%^

My PC was hit by a trojan and some virus. Grrrr! I don't know how it happened. I cannot believe this happened to me when I am very careful in opening files or sites or links that are not familiar to me. Most of the time, I don't even open them at all. Good thing it was repaired but our pc guy said that once a trojan entered my system it would still be there. If I want it gone I would have to reformat my whole harddrive. Leche! I really have to backup my files and have this reformatted so I wont be bothered with all these useless crap called popups. Nakakainis! Why do people create such things? Why do such people exist? Its such a nuisance. I know its the whole supply-demand thing. If there are no people who will make viruses how would antivirus companies make a profit. Whatever! The computer is supposed to make things easier not a whole lot complicated, dangerous and worse it feeds on people's paranoia, I know it does with mine. Now, how am I supposed to do transactions online when I am scared that some jerk out there is lurking and waiting to get my personal information. Buwisit! The pc guy installed an antivirus program in my computer but then those stupid virusmakers are usually onestepahead. Before I know it, a new one is out there that isn't recognized by my @ntivirus software. What will happen now? Like now, links are appearing in this post when I didn't put them there. Its not there anymore because I fused the words or letters together so they won't go to a link to some searchEngine that I have no idea where it came from. In these times, I wish that the whole world will be back to the basics so I don't have to deal with such things.

Falling into place

I was thisclose to abandoning ship for my Lola's birthday come August. We were not going anywhere. Everyone was asking me for a theme and I couldn't think of one. I have opened it to my cousins but it seems none of us could come up with something. All we have is a description of what we want the party to speak of and that is to celebrate her life, her travails, her journeys, what she means to us after all not a lot of people are able to reach their 85th birthday with such fervor and strength. With everything that Lola has gone through with 15 children and all, its a reason to celebrate. It was really frustrating that not having a theme was slowing all of us down because pretty much everything depends on it. I have been having panicAttacks, sleepless nights and abdominal pains just thinking about it which wasn't helping me at all. I knew we had to come up with something pronto.

I woke up early on Sunday despite not sleeping well. I decided to write Ate Joelle an email to share some of my sorrows and also to ask for her help since she has been such a big help from the beginning. Plus, she planned her wedding to my cousin just the two of them and all of her son's parties so she has some experience. In the middle of my rant, an idea actually came to me - a theme. I ran it by Kuya Gerry and he liked it. I ran it by my sister and other cousins and they liked it as well. So now we have a theme and it all started with an idea for the giveaways. We were going nowhere before that because we were all pretty much walking through it blindly. As if having a theme wasn't a blessing already, when I got back from church and checked out the ads that come with the Sunday paper, I found out that M*ichaels, the local arts and craft store have our idea for the giveaways on sale which saves us a trip and time searching for it and at a good price at that. So double YAY for us that day. Before we know it, things are falling into place. We not only have a theme but we have ideas for the centerpieces and the giveaways and I could not be more glad. Along with all of these all my ailments have disappeared. At least I just have to deal with stress as the day draws near and not much anymore with panic. Phew! I hope.

If I sound a bit cryptic with what it really is, pardon me. I will talk about it in length when things are confirmed. At this point, all we have are ideas and they are all flying from everywhere.

If only the budget is that easy to collect and get. Well, that's another story.

I bought it!

Yup, I got the shoes. The same red shoes that I mentioned in my previous post. The next day, I went back to the mall after a whole night of receiving text messages from my sisters fully convincing me to get the shoes. The three of us have the same shoe size anyway. So I went there, hoping beyond hope that its still available. IT WAS! Good thing I went back because it was the LAST pair in my size. Had I let another day pass by, there was a good chance that it wont be there anymore and I know I would be kicking myself for not getting it. My youngest sister Camille said to learn from her mistakes. She loved a pair of shoes but didn't buy it and then she went back a a few weeks after and it was gone and she still regrets letting go of it until now.

I tried it on one more time. I don't know why. The guy helping me asked what the occasion was. I told him, no occasion, I just want red shoes. LOL I had just slipped one shoe on when two women passing by gasped. I didn't realize that they were looking at me or at the shoe and gave their comments. That it looked really nice, elegant and all. That it looked really pretty since I have narrow feet. I really didn't need to consider their reaction anymore since I was more than convinced to buy it anyway. So I did and now, I just need a place to wear them to.

Almost perfect

I don't know what it is but women and maybe some men are in constant search for that "perfect" thing. For example: LBD (little black dress), white tee, jeans, shoes, etc. It is such an enigma why we are constantly looking for it when the reality may be that it doesn't even exist. But I guess, the search is part of the fun of it. I, myself am is in an endless search of everything mentioned above. One of my search is to find that "perfect" red shoes. A lot of people I know (Tet, Clare kayo yun LOL) are also insearchof that "perfect" red shoes. Not one of us has so far been lucky until I went to the mall today with my aunt. I was just going around when I saw IT - the "almost perfect" red shoes by Anne Klein. I will explain the "almost" part later. Maybe its a bit melodramatic but it took my breath away. I went near it and check if it was available in my size and the one on display was MY size. I tried it on and it fit perfectly. It was the right height. It was comfortable. I am sure since I tried it on when I have been walking and on my toes pretty much the entire day. I liked the design. I can already picture the outfits that I can wear it with. The only drawback is it costs more than what I usually pay for my shoes. It may really not be much compared if it had been a Choo or a Blahnik or a Weitzman but still its a lot of money for a pair of shoes that I really am not going to wear everyday and who knows how often I would wear it. I decided to let the logical side of my brain rule..I placed the shoe back on the display rack and told myself to sleep on it. If I still LOVE it by tomorrow and its still available, I am definitely getting it. My sister was on the dot because she said most likely I would go back and buy it. We are the same size too so she benefits if I buy it. My aunt said I would probably not get any sleep tonight because I would be thinking about those shoes. She is right as well because otherwise I wouldn't be posting about it when its already past midnight. My logical side is already prepared with justifications why I should get it: I don't own a pair of red shoes yet, I have been looking for one and now I have found one that pretty much fits the bill. The reason why I say its the "almost perfect" pair of red shoes because I don't think perfection exists and its definition is pretty much subjective. And besides if I say that I have found the "perfect" red shoes, it means my search has ended. What if I find another one that will still fit my definition? Do I ignore it? I highly doubt it. I will still find reasons as to why I want it. I don't think anyone's search truly ends. I know! I know its just shoes. Its not life, love or happiness. Its not going to solve the world's problems, or cure a disease or feed the hungry. But its something I have control over. Shallow as it may be but I felt giddy when I saw it but for now I shall think about it and see if its something worth buying.