You will never know

When we are young, we express our emotions with no inhibitions. We laugh and cry and get angry or get embarrassed, all in the upfront. But then something happens along the way, and we are told that hiding our feelings is better off for everyone. So we begin to conceal our disappointments, our hurt, our rage, and slowly, even happiness.

If I could stop repressing myself, this is what I really want to say to you:

I am very sad, in fact, to the point that it inhibits me from doing anything else. And the sadness overwhelms me from behind, under, above, within, without. I am paralyzed, I am sad beyond words and when I open my mouth I am stuck in between a cry, a whine or a sigh. So this unnamed, unmaterialized bubble just gets swallowed back in whole, and man, how it hurts in the chest!

I’ll miss you, terribly, beyond words, beyond everything.

But you will never know. 

fear

心，满是纠结。往后的日子都是这么过的吗？从最细小的事情，至根本的理念都存在鸿沟般的差异。我如何忍受接下来数十年的争执，然后忍气吞声，然后默默地把不快都埋在心里？我如何去适应将来的不自由，不自主，处处都没有自己能立足的思想空间，感情空间，生活空间？是制度问题，还是人的问题？他经常埋怨我为何不象其他女子般向往婚姻生活，为何不像其他女子般崇尚结婚。浪漫主义我倒是有的，只不过我可不觉得婚姻有何浪漫？打从心底话，只不过是形式而已。若精神生活尚充实，其实可以不在乎。是，我畏惧，我存疑。每次想到以后将要步入这个所谓“人生的另一阶段”，我恐慌，我失措。很难去说服他我的感情仍是真的。但似乎真感情不够，他需要的，是实实在在的证明。他要的是稳定，是能保证我以后都在他身边的承诺。可笑的是，这承诺必须由第三者见证。

或许我完全扭曲了他的意思。反正我是带着暗暗的恐惧，踌躇跟他迈进这一步。或许，根本不是我对整个婚姻制度的存疑，而是对他的存疑。这个想法，我一直有，只是不敢说。怕说了就是真的。日前去学车，老师都说我似乎不怎么相信我的直觉，脑袋要拼命地控制自己，约束自己。我那时惊叹，是呀。虽说我感情用事，但必要关头我仍是不相信自己的。就婚姻所言，直觉虽告诉我这不是我要的，他也未必适合我，但理性总很清醒地数着婚姻的好处，他的好处。理智让我不断让自己去回想过去的美好时光，希望激发出我的念旧情怀，维持现在表面看似安稳的现状。

小说恐怕是看多了，但我本是性情中人，若不是也懒得看书，懒得品尝音乐，细嚼其缠绵悱恻的情感了。文学、音乐皆让我无穷快乐，这不就是本性所在、直觉所在、最真的我所在吗？为何现在我要沦落到维稳妥协，埋没自己呢？

some random words over the past years

I'm trapped and watch the world with a cautious eye
I see green pastures and blue skies
Beyond the heavy iron grills
I get lost in dreams of freedom

When you have to weigh between a lesser of two miseries, then you begin to think whether it is all worth it. If I go along with his choices I get unhappy with myself. But if I choose to do things my way he gets so unhappy with me that it affects me, making it an even more unhappy situation for both of us. On the unbalanced equation of hapiness, it seems that you really can't have your cake and eat it too. There is only one way out, I must sacrifice my personal happiness for the greater good for harmony between us. Life's not fair, what's more about happiness?

Suddenly, she saw her world twisted and wrong. Nothing makes sense to her anymore. She feels an excruciating pain in her chest as loneliness hits her hard, she belonged to a world that do not understand her. And so she sinks deeper into her books. A world that fascinates her, that she believes is able to embrace her. But the deeper she sinks in, the more she is unable to face reality. The job that she holds, the people in her life, her lover, all became senseless to her as her existence is validated by words. One day, she decided that she must end her misery. Once and for all, she quit reading, and pulled herself away from the fanatical mess created by her own emptiness. She must leave this illusionary world. Until she is able to talk again, until she is able to realize her existence in bone and flesh, she will not return. And so she decided.

She woke up, and the world seemed a little different. It has only been 10 minutes when she dozed off a page of murakami. But it felt like a very deep sleep. And even as awakening stirs, the mist of dream has not fully evaporated. The songs in her ears seemed to be whispering to her, in a fully catious tone. As she slowly opened her eyes, the whiff of smoke from an old lady's cigarette caught her eye. It formed a cloud, and quickly dispersed. Something ephermeral about this scene baffled her. Where is this place? How have I landed here?


忽然间，我好怕。我的青春，到底消耗在哪里？我的人生就是这样吗？人家说，知足常乐，但怎么总是有一股蠢蠢欲动的傻劲在血管里蠕动，要滋长我的野心去过一个超凡脱俗的人生？而我，就越觉得自己像颗氧气已经要耗尽的星，发不起光发不起热。精神因为书本饱满，因为音乐首滋润。但似乎感情杭还没有到达那种刻骨铭心的感觉，就平淡起来，志趣不相投，真的很郁闷。其实那段时间，我的梦想很大，很多，觉得自己以后要成为一个可以改变世界的人。但现在，似乎恋向一个同辈表达自己坚信的意念都没发完成。何况说服全世界。

I always had a hard time explaining the value of the humanities. And I am still confounded by this problem now. Even after going through 4 years of education and finding my way out of this question myself.Why is it important? Today, I attended a lecture by Elizabeth perry, who was a remarkable academic in the field of china studies, and whose works I frequently consulted as a undergrad. Naturally I was fascinated by her excellent presentation and I couldn't hide my excitement from having experienced an intellectual high. But afterwards, a peer expressed her lack of interest in the lecture, and that she could not understand why is it important. She made clear that she needed to know why certain things are significant, and to her, she just can't figure out how history is relevant to her life and the world today. Her hugely contrasting reaction to the very same lecture dumbfounded me. For a moment I even felt disappointed and a little offended that such a marvellous speaker could fall into almost deaf ears. I guess you could say that I am a history snob, because I usually dismiss all these apathy as signs of intellectual inferiority. Only the best minds can understand what I understand. But of course, she is not trained in the arts and I felt the need to explain the value of the arts. And 1 minute into trying, I saw that she was just not interested and so I gave up, feeling ever more frustrated and defensive. Why do I need to feel this way? If the meaning of doing history and the arts were so apparent to me even without explaining, why should it matter that other people don't understand? Just what am I trying to do, to convince this uninterested party of my passion? So that she can share it with me? So that having one more person to understand my passion validates its importance? Does a passion even need validation or endorsement by other people? Logically, no! Then this frustration must have come from another source. My inner desire to dominate. Mwahaha. But seriously. My dad once told me that having different opinions are not the main problem. Wanting to dominate others' opinions with yours is. And I perfectly agree. Intellectually at least. But I guess its pointless if emotionally my body doesn't respond to different opinions favourably and I find the need to change, change change the other person. Hah.


梦 11月16日2011年
好久不见。我微笑着跟他点头。他看起来成熟了，但有一点沧桑。他来到我面前说，雨晴，我的适婚年龄到了。父母都为我担心。我是为这个而来的。我希望你可以考虑认真地和我发展下去。朋友们家人都劝我说你已经有了男朋友，又在新加坡，很困难。但我觉得你就是最适合的人选了。其实我来之前你心里已经有了答案。你说吧。

做完这个梦，我竟然有点惆怅，有点不舍。真的好久不见了。你好吗？

诗 11月14日2011年
轻轻的，他抚摸我的心房。
轻轻的，我抬起洗尽沿华的脸庞。
轻轻的，飘起一股暖暖的微风。
轻轻的，我们都沉醉了。

读书 11月12日2011年
每天放工回家，迫切地卸妆冲凉然后躲在被窝里看书竟然成为我最大地乐趣。每天最期待地莫过于这一两个小事地迷失自我。然后放下书本又重新发现更饱满地自我。我不记得每一章，每一节，但留下的也是最在乎的便是文字间渗出的气味。有时是淡淡的柠檬草，有时是幽幽的熏衣草，有时却是浓烈的油漆味，对身体无益但闻就了却有种变态似的吸引力。文字间也会传出含糊的声音。有时是空洞的回音，有时是听了摄人心弦的幽灵歌女，有时是振奋人心的摇滚乐。水说电影比书本还多媒体？在无限想像的空间种自然就有无限的感官，也有无限的感动。其实看书的人一点都不静。旁人看来她的确像个啦像，但其实你每看见在她眼神中流露出心里郑在火热的斗争着，随着每个情节情绪相互大家，看谁能夺得成为当时的感情主旋律。但再看清楚一点，原来是不可能分出明显胜负的，最后是五味杂全的大闷锅。熬来熬去到最后都不知道自己在喝什么。而我，就是喜欢喝这种大煲汤。

回香港 8月2日2011年
这次回香港有些感触。避开了遗忘的逛街消费，想好好地反思我和这片土地的关系。还有，当然是想花躲写时间精神去陪父亲，聆听他的无限智慧。我对佛教产生兴趣，莫过于想躲了解父母的生活，他们的处事态度及人生观。当然，在这非常短暂的日子里，的确发现佛教许多可取之处。父亲奉献了一辈子的精力去求法、宏法。但二十三年来的我，之人士那个一年见面不过几填，每隔及格星期只通一次越洋电话寒暄的父亲。因为见面难，相处少，加上以前对他的误解，所以在成长过程中总觉得父亲很遥远。而且也很难说他在我成长过程中有什么直接的影响。时过境迁，我才能开始明白其中的千丝万缕。他经常说，人生有许多无可奈何。请允许我自溺地猜想，总是他一生中遭遇不佳，事业无法建立，家庭无法美满，但最无可奈何地莫非无法参与子女的成长。说罢，或许这彩石我最大的无可奈何。亲情是什么？是缘分，也是浮云中互相凝聚的水分。下了场雨后，滋润大地，但也烟消云散。

送别 8月8日2011年
今天送走了一个即将去英国深造的朋友，谈话间没什么，但是离别那一刻竟然有点伤感。真的能聊天聊到忘却时间的朋友真的不多。他是其中一个。我很尊敬他对文化的热诚，很欣赏他对文化发展的坚持和理想。虽然刚开始常觉得他很嚣张，而且只是表面光鲜，没什么实力。但是人与人的相处真的很奇妙。到了最后一个学期才真正能欣赏他的才华和学识，还有对朋友的仗义和胸襟。以前是我自视过高了，然而就在友情发展的最好的时候他就要走了。说可惜？如果有，也是处于少了一个可以陪我畅谈的好友的私心吧。但朋友之间各自发展是再自然不过的，我也为他美好的前程感到高兴。至少，在这个阶段别离对彼此都留下最深刻的印象，将来碰面的时候也会继续畅谈。或许，将来都不会再见面了，但今晚留下一个很美好的回忆。庄一，我衷心地祝福你。

家 8月15日2011年
今天和母亲吵架了。一起领着四个大纸皮箱乘地铁回家之际，刹那，我觉得新加坡好陌生。地铁的广播忽然让我一时到这本不应是我的语言。我们一家本处香港，如此大费周章地移民过来。重新适应，过后一家人分隔两地，更演变到父母离异，父亲另结新欢，母亲得一天工作16个小时养活家里。这一切值得吗？家，又是个什么东西？

送机 9月20日2011年
又送机了。这次是我父亲，又再一次的百感交集，又再一次强忍着眼泪，又再一次的不舍得。想起今天早上他说，只想活到七十岁，从现在算起还有十四年。如果每年只见一次，就是还有十四次见面。我看着个着玻璃的背影，不敢眨眼，深怕打破眼眶内凝聚的泪包。曾经几何，一位自己长大了，不再被离别的情愁牵绊。原来那只是少时天真乐观的表现，以为以后一定可以再见，所以觉得离别不以为然。有了家庭的支持，人才可以把精力投向外面。但也正因如此而把亲情当作理所当然。就算身边的人又可能随时离开你。这个道理，不难明白，但明白和体会又是另外一回事。一直以来，我都把家人的支持，照顾，当作理所当然。经过这一两年，我看到了家人的脆弱，反而让我更珍惜亲情。

Happiness is...
Being deep in meditation
Losing myself in a good book for hours
Letting my mind wander into a green pasture in spring
Observing a cat
Having waffles and eggs for breakfast
Indulging in quiet music
Composing poetry
Being thankful for all the things that make me happy

是谁说 雨天就一定要撑伞
让雨水冲掉虚荣的妆，不好吗？
是谁说，雪糕就不能当早餐
让甜蜜溶化赖床的懒,不好吗?
是谁说 放弃就是等于失败
退一步仰望更高的目标,不好吗?
是谁说?是谁说?
别人的声音怎能掩盖自己啊?

过客

过客

词／曲：刘雨晴

我只是你心中的过客

邂逅在云彩弥漫的时刻

柳絮轻飞 小桥流水

是你带我览游过的景色

我不过是此地的过客

黄昏目送我离开的当儿

江南如昔 只影相依

我能否留下半点云彩呢

烟雨蒙胧相爱时分烙印我心中

虽然短暂的曾经一场梦

我会离去 带不走所有感动

只盼我回头望你仍在原地送

再逗留多半刻都会是你的负荷

梧桐秋叶落是自然规则

随风去吧 他乡偶然的缘分

微微笑(忍着泪)

转过身做潇洒的过客

Lost

I stumble upon this hasty scene
get caught in between the swift whirlwind
and tried with might to grab a hold
while looking for a saving soul

As much as I don't wish to stay
the reality is I won't have my way
and I'm stuck in between the swift whirlwind
watching my world spin and spin

written on 21 February, Hong Kong

Personal space

All I want to do now is to

1) listen to a really good song and ponder over its lyrics

2) meditate

3) pour my emotions out on my keyboard

4) read a sappy novel and close up on the world

5) sway alone


好郁闷。也不知道为什么那么抗拒这种场合。今天参加了一整天的拜年活动，去的是他的朋友和亲戚的家。都一起四年了，始终跟他那边的人有隔膜。觉得好像是被逼着来的，我在敷衍每个人，也敷衍自己。也许我真的是个很看不开的人，执着追求一些自认为有意义的东西，忽略了生活，忽略了对周围的人的责任。追求什么？追求寻找人生的意义，追求深奥的哲学，追求自我的提升，追求无贪嗔痴。可在这过程却引来更多烦恼。人家讨论时尚，我便想离开。人家赌博，我便想离开。人家发表我不赞同的观点，我便想离开。人家开始抱怨，我便想离开。人家说我错，我更想离开。离开离开，躲进自己小小的私人空间，不再出来。奈何这却是他想要的热闹人生。我好郁闷。

Thoughts after reading 127 Hours

People say that we're searching for the meaning in life. I don't think that's it at all. I think that what we're seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances within our innermost being and reality., so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.
- Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth


As I marvel at Aron Ralston's tenacity towards life, I can't help but to imagine myself in his situation. What would I do? How would I feel? Where would my hallucinations take me? Most of all, would I survive?

I must admit that I am one person who easily backs down when the going gets rough. Instinctively, I chicken out, I want to run away, I want to hide. Wait, perhaps the instinctive part is also a self-delusion, since these behaviours are learned and reinforced by my reactions to experiences. I doubt I'll have the courage and cool-headedness to go through the things that he did.

Recently I was just discussing with wl about the situation where we're thrown into a jungle. How well would we survive? Aron's account was a true demonstration of his grit, his strength and faith in himself. In the beginning I had difficulty following his very technical description and dismissed them as engineer blabber. But as I proceed further in his story I was hooked. It is precisely his rationality that helped him survived the most extreme circumstances. His ability to think up and pulley system with a force ratio of 6:1, his calculations of his survival chances, up to the decision making process of whether to drink his urine is weighed in a most clinical and distant way. He lived for so many days without food and water because he was able to pull himself apart from the situation and assess it rationally. Technicalities apart, the most important factor is the will to live. How much are we willing to sacrifice for our lives? Aron Ralston cut off his hand with a cheap multi-tool. He relied on his discipline and adrenaline rush to get himself out of the canyon. He did everything he could, because he loved the feeling of being alive.

How much could I say the same? The quote above which he also used in the book really forced me to rethink about my many attempts to define the meaning of life. I think I forgot that a necessary condition to that question is the ability to feel alive. There is no meaning of life if there is no life. Have I felt alive? When do I most feel alive?

Some food for thought.