The end, is really a new beginning.

probably because of the fact that it is late into the night (with my favourite canto song playing), it's a nice feeling, a relaxed feeling and i love to reflect. i think therefore i am, pretty apt for me. i can never imagine living through my life without thinking, and i swear, i'd be so much of a different person if i didnt think that much.

whenever i'm falling into something, i'll bring myself back again, think and reflect really hard, and create many of my new theories on many things, but it's good cuz i have my principles and i wont fall for anything easily. could you imagine me as a lost sheep doing everything everyone is doing and following the crowd? probably it also explains why im so square.
note: with sharp edges.

i've been wasting my life away, seriously, yes, wasted it away thinking about you and how it could have been, nope i never thought of making it better or to last, what i meant was, if only i had stick to my principles, and just stop everything from happening, things would definitely be great and i wouldnt have to live through these hell years having that heavy guilt that weighed me down, smashed my laughters and smiles.
Somehow, happiness got killed. MY happiness got killed.

but everything takes two hands to clap, why bother, why bother to feel so guilty on my side when you probably dont even care about your own life and continues to screw it up, so maybe i really think too much this time.

i admit, im stupid.

i wasted my whole june holidays thinking, thinking soooo much and i tell you, i was living in hell. i thought time could heal all wounds, i thought i could bounced back since everything has stopped. and the end was SUPPOSEDLY the start of a NEW beginning. i tried to begin, i tried to study, i tried to make myself work towards my goal, and i felt that i wasnt human anymore.

i lived in this condition for the whole month, and i was too tired to pack my bed and i slept on the floor, and continued the next day. on tuesday i couldnt remember what i did on monday. on wednesday i couldnt remember what i did on tuesday and it goes on. i wasnt living life, i was living a routine, that ends with tears every night. i was really asking myself, what's this life for?

and should i say that i was lucky, because i thought it through. just 3 days before CTs started, i threw everything out of my brain, i went for a run. oh my, i told myself, how long have i not seen the sky? do i still remember what the moon looks like? i saw human around me, they were so normal, yet so special. they were special because they wore smiles. simple pleasures of everyday life. how did i forget, how did it slipped my mind?

i went to take a seat at the exercise corner, i saw the faint image of the moon, it was so beautiful. the sky was so high. everything around me juz moved on with their lives. yet i stayed on the same spot, for so long. no wonder my legs hurt. no wonder my heart died. no wonder my brain jammed. no wonder i coudnt live and only thought of the end. im so small. who am i against the world? smaller than an ant. only i thought of my issues to be so big, it's nothing actually, and who cares, life still goes on, why did i make myself suffer so much. i was sucha fool.

and i got so enlightened, and im happier as the day goes on, truly happy. i couldnt believe i could have such a crazy time at sentosa, i practically went crazy and i didnt mind, how come, cuz i dont find myself that important anymore. there are some who told me to be more selfish, and i think, actually when i think about my woes, im actually too selfish to only think about my woes. so now, i'll let go of everything, it's not easy, but i finally did it, and im so touched by my realisation.

time wasted can never be retrieved back again, just let it be and make sure that the days ahead are worth those bad times wasted. and i'm totally not gonna blog anymore. i dont believe in the fact that friends can only know about each other's lives through blogs. we ourselves are giving technology the chance to evade the close knitted ties. it doesnt really matter whether your private blog are opened to your close friends or not, because not everyone has the time to use the computer, to read blogs and all. but rest assured, i do have the time to spend real quality time talking to friends. that's what communication and bonding is about isnt it. so what if you know about a person's life's ups and downs through their blogs? if you're one step slower than the other who reads the post, it means you juz dont get to talk about it cuz you wouldnt want your friend to repeat over and over again.

dear friends, i'll be here if you need me to. no matter what gets in my way, i'd come for you. i would also open up to you, that's true friendship. i dont wait for you to come and ask about my life after reading my blog, i'll share my woes with you when i do really need you. and if you want to know more about my life, do not turn to my blog, facebook and etc, just come to me and say "how;s life? good? feeling better?" you bet i will, definitely answer you with my utmost sincerity. yes, i would come for you, do anything for you, only if you let me to.

with this conclusion, yes this is my last post. i wont close this blog though, i wanna read it for memories sake. wont be blogging from today on, and let me greet friends who's gonna find me with my wide open arms, and the finally bubbly me.
ta-da!

L_________

oh yes, i remembered i promised somebody that i'll be mentioning his big name on my blog, yes, talking to you have been a great pleasure.

probably i need you to know, you have really been a very funny and calm friend, when you talk, the things you talk about are beyond me and sometimes i really dont know what you are talking about, but i could sense the theories that you're trying to prove, and i smiled.

truth be told, 90% of the time that im talking to you, i'm smiling non stop.

you're childlike, innocent, yet coupled with a tinge of maturity. in this self presumed complicated world, i cant find another one like you. everything you say, just has its sense of humour, and i hope you arent covering up any sadness, cuz i would want to be there just like how you're always there.

there are many scenes in movies that people are just a called away, but you're even better, you're real. in reality, things about you dont change and you are still a call away. and you always attempt to teach me to be happy. i could understand what you mean, the carefree, and relaxed, the happy lifestyle. i just pretend not to know, act blur sometimes might be good you know.

how about you and your fun talk about your brothers and brothers, that was very funny too.

im glad i got to know you all over again, and even happier to have you as my good friend.
this post is dedicated to you, to let you know that you are really greatly appreciated, and thanks for always being there, without fail.

all, from the bottom of my heart.
oh, and the sentence you wanted,
it's here.
(i dont have to spell it out, you know it.)

为什么又这样？

今天我害怕，我不敢哭。我一直忍，逞强，但是真的很累。我快要疯了，我受不了。我试过找个人来诉苦，我找不到。当我真真哭时，我最害怕的真相就呈现在我眼前。
其实我哭，并没人在乎。别说我没说，我说了，我哭出呻吟，没人管。我还是非得往厕所去，告诉自己:不是没人在乎，只是没人知道。
我知道我有时隐瞒了我的情绪，让人难以捉摸，但隐瞒了那么久，你要我如何说出口？我已习惯了用逞强来麻木自己。
你们知道在最脆弱时找不到任何人的痛苦吗？你们还想她说出口，不就证明了根本没人认真的去了解她。
到了这个地步，她还是回告诉自己:"明天会更好，只要人还活着，就有希望…"

Thanks for the Memories;

My sister's back from her graduation trip, so over dinner, my bro and sis were talking about their individual trips, and I was also at the UK university talk today, and somehow, I just felt like getting away for a while.

Probably, we're all too jaded.

Probably, we're all tired.

Probably, we all realised that we have no idea what are we fighting for.

Could life be better, somehow?

So I looked at the pictures of HC's dance night, pretty cool. But I couldnt find thumbdrives to transfer photos, zz. And, they look like they've enjoyed it so much, and yes, carefree (minus the stress from performing and practising and planning)

Mere dancing, is simply, happy.

So I looked at the BSP folder on my comp, and found these pictures, pretty nolstagic.

We did BSP cheer, those days.
Little did we wonder, how these 3d2n create these bonds.

That was then.

This is recent.

Where is now? Hopefully, the numbers dont decrease.

And talking about nolstagia, since my GP paper ended today, took some time to think about my JC years. Did it really felt like JC then? Did I grow wiser, or perhaps, grew much older?

Those days with you guys were great I swear, even though we had so little time together.
So little to speak of, and the same memories kept playing all over again in my head.

Little did we know, how little time we spared each other.

Could we have had more?

This, was really those happy moments (: and DHSSH Danzage coming up this saturday, hoping to relieve those memories again, pretty.

My classmates. This was what we felt during youth carnival. This was too what we felt after getting back PW results. Hopefully, this is what we would feel too, when the A's are over.
We want no lost sheeps, dont we?

But why.

What's wrong with being lost?

And yes, it was my pleasure to have met my PW group members, each of them, so unique on their own, and our strengths complement our weaknesses perfectly. Could still rememeber how I generated ideas using super simple language, and dearest yunjing and chenying helped to make it sound perfect, and xingxiang would always look through and give his funny comments and wanye would be constantly working on the video. I love y'all (:

Pertaining to the picture above, I'm not bullying chenying :P

11.58am. 2 minutes to 12pm submission deadline.

Lucky.

Do you hear me, talking to you, over the playground, and blk 641, under the bright blue sky.

Glad to have you as my kuai zi, chou gao lao and peng you!

NEIGHBOURRRRRR!

筷子汤圆，当然少不了人！

因为人用筷子吃汤圆！

Life always gets busier, even when we're over with what we initially had to do.

Could it be that we cant get enough?

I do agree I cant get enough of the super lame stuffs you crack about.

It cracks this hard nut here.

It's always comfortable with you around, talking to you, is already a blessing (:

Chill someday soon? hha, outright asking you out from here.

Definitely, not maybe.

I'm nothing without you guys.

Nothing beats having y'all there for me for 6 years.

Somehow, these felt like last words.

Nolstagia, always lead us to last words, but couldnt it be better, if we had told them how we felt in the past?

And these, perhaps, wont even exist.

The sweet lingering taste.

Makes one hard to quit,

thinking.

Back again?

Dance Night '09 BACK AGAIN at HCI Auditorium, was really good.
I see that fire burning in their eyes, every dance was a gift of gold, so, I guess, I really did become much richer after the show. And seriously, that 7 months of their planning was really worth it (: pictures are all in my sister's comp, when I can find something to transfer it over, I would upload them then.

Oh yes, I gotta mention that Jiahong totally made my day! The starting of the concert was a scene where they're in the cabin of a MRT. So they just walk and look around the audience pretending audience werent there, then we started waving to Jiahong and he kinda touch his throat, so I thought he was saying that he cant talk or respond to audience, but I looked closer, OMG HE'S WEARING THE NECKLACE THAT I PERSONALISED PERSONALLY FOR EVERY BSP FACIL, IT SAYS "BSP'08" ON ONE SIDE AND THEIR NAMES ON THE OTHER AND HE'S WEARING IT!!!!! HAHA, was super touched. CHAO GAN DONG.

Back to topic.
I envy them, and I admired them. It was a lot of hard work and sweat to make these events a success, and not only were the audience satisfied, even the dancers, their smiles and all, and I felt that this was the perfect win-win situation where the hard work of the dancers have gotten the praises of the audience and at the same time, the audience felt their passion and joy and simply got happier while watching them dance.

And, I see these dwindling sparks, getting bigger, close to fire.
Yes, the passion for dance.
I miss those days, somehow.
But definitely, I miss the hoops so much more.
And I am already waiting for A levels to end, so I could get back to training the juniors (:

Today wasnt a good day, cuz I was so tired.
I admit I do fall asleep in class, but it wasnt because I wasnt interested, it was because I am tired. I tried to stay awake, but I couldnt, cuz the caffeine from morning has worn off. And I do not want to depend on caffeine or anything. Apparently, I just couldnt stand how attitudes of some teachers could change so fast, and yes, superficial and shallow. It is understandable that there are human as well, but this profession, clearly constitutes TEACHING to a very large extent. I dont mean academic wise, but attitude too.

But, it's okay, because Im still telling myself to buck up, and I will work hard. And it's super super hard, and I really hope I can overcome this barrier of tiredness.

An avalanche of knowledge is coming my way.
Time to get ready for it.

Was pretty emotionless, and not in a mood to smile somehow, dont even have the energy to even talk enthusiastically, and thought of something.

有些人含泪而笑，也有些人因笑而累。
世界多多少少也无聊地让自己更复杂了。

The End is a Scary Place to Start;

It's pretty late, and time still keeps ticking, while I lingered for a moment.
The moment which the truth surfaces, and I've gone on a roller coaster ride of the epitome of all my emotions. Perhaps, I'm tasting real life now, that mixture of ingredients, cooked a meal of realisation, a meal of inspiration and a meal of disappointment. I've been having these 3 meals a day, and I dont wish to eat from the same place anymore.

Meal of Realisation:
People live, people die, things exist, things dont exist, comparing it to the world, every single is just so small, so small. Only our minds make it big. It's gone, it's over, it's the end, and people have to live life the way they used to live, and just keep going on and on. It's just a small setback afterall. And time waits for noone. Yet, there's still so much to do.

Meal of Inspiration:
My only way to overcome everything is to hang on, and keep moving on. The end is always a start to a new beginning, even though, it's kinda scary to start from the end. Starting from nothing. Nothing in my head. Nothing in my heart. Nothing in my mind. Nothing in my soul. I'm just a dead body waiting to be reincarnated. When I do, I'll make sure life is beautiful, for me and for everyone, especially you guys, the twelve of us, will walk through this together, as a team no matter what.

Meal of Disappointment:
It wasnt really an end to start with. It's an end with threads of mess dangling around me. Tried to pull them away but they are like webs, the more I pull, the more I get trapped in them. Was hoping for help to come along, but couldnt see anyone in sight. It was another slap in the face, to tell myself that, I gotta do it on my own. Why, does this keep happening. But I still have to live on. No matter how much I would like to press the restart button, I just gotta hang on and live on, cuz every single day that came, I would like to see if my life got better, if it ends, I'll never know if it could get better. But of course, failed attempts day aft day, just brings me down.

This gush of overwhelmed feelings, I dont know when they'll go away. Maybe after A lvls? Will I survive till then? I think about the grasslands I would wish to see, the beautiful seasons I'll be anticipating, perhaps they were never meant for me cuz I cant see emotions, memories, love there. Actually, what do I want. After today, I find myself hoping for the greatness of friendships to sail me away from melancholy, but, did those ships sink on their way to save me...

It remains as a mystery, locked up in the heavy heart of mine.
And yes, I threw the key away.

i have no idea what's going on in my head, that I no longer know how to stop crying, stop feeling or rather, stop thinking. it's churning in my head, over and over again, keeps playing over and over again. it's just feels..

i dont know, i dont think, i'm even in the mood to blog it out..

Anyone lived in a Pretty How Town

2 days in a roll, confirmed the struggle I had in my mind all these years.
Faced the truth that I ran away from,
now, at a loss to my plans.

Last year, I figured out that one had too many choices. The choice between freedom and responsibilities, and rights and duties, how could I do what I should and would do. How could I face myself, as I see myself drowning in my shadows. It's an empty shell, no, it's a confusion, based on nothing, yes, which leaves an empty shell, no.

I was torn apart between what I should do and what I would like to do, and I knew I'm doing what I should do and it couldnt bring me up any higher, nor do I feel the happiness blooming in Spring. Winter came, and there's no news, of the happiness that I looked for. Spring has come again, yet nothing bloom, and now the fallen leaves, might be my doom.

I grown up to think that I want to be someone, to be somebody, not nobody, nor anybody. But I ended up being nothing, without a body. I'm formless, filling any shapes, any mould, anything I was told. Then nobody seemed so useless, and I thought, I dont wanna be nobody. But deep in my heart, I just want to be nobody, and I want to be a nobody that could make everybody happy. Then I realised, nobody cared whether this nobody could make anybody, somebody or everybody happy. And nobody stayed as nobody, as nobody cared for nobody.

Love and dreams cannot co-exist. Nobody chose love, but force themselves to be somebody, hence tried chasing their dreams. In the end, their mind couldnt follow their dreams cuz their heart was trapped in love, and they ended nowhere, and reached this state of confusion: where am I? what am I? what should I do?

I cried, because I know what I should do but I couldnt do it. I know that if I continue walking, I would lose myself. But, I need to pursue my dreams, even though I know I would choose love, because it was only rational that dreams are bigger than love at this stage. I dreamt of my happy days ahead, what's life without love, but then I realised, I dont deserve it and I cant carry it with me. Love, is something that I could only leave behind, not something I could carry at the same time, at least, for now.

And yes, I could be back on my feet, anytime and any moment, and already am, but that doesnt mean I'm living a fruitful life. My only wish was to be able to be there for my friends who need me, and then I realised, nobody needed me even though I cared for nobody, because no one wants to be nobody.

I urged, all of you, to follow your heart, that's the key to a fruitful life. Why fulfil Status Quo when it always keeps changing? Who are you trying to please? And, do society care?

Somebody and everybody forget that love exists, and forget how to love and how to live which causes them to live this life of going through the motions and becoming this loveless, lifeless society. And anyone and nobody leads a fruitful life, with love and passion for life, overcoming the lifeless society.

哭不哭，没什么大不了。

因为我只在我的被窝里哭，
而不在别人面前哭，
我就是最强最不需要关心的。
对吗？

Being Strong

"If Today Was Your Last Day"

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?

If today was your last day
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side
--------------------------------

I love that song. Need I explain?

--------------------------------

Something came across me today.
What's strong and what's weak?
What's good and what's bad?
What's high and what's low?

I think out of those who read my blog, I can get like as many different answers as those who read. Why? Cuz, everyone has different expectations.

If you are different from others, fret not, cuz everyone is special in their own ways. There's no reason nor reasoning why high should always triumph over the low, why strong is always better than the weak and good is always more desirable than bad. It doesnt make sense cuz they each have their own strength where low,weak, bad, ... can be better, greater and stronger. If you're a high achiever, freaking dont look down on others. It'll be your greatest downfall and I see it happening. If you're a perfectionist and always want the good only, then you better hope you have more than 24 hours in a day. If you're strong, wont you ever wish you could get the care that the weak has from their friends?

Okay my sentences are very jumpy, but I'm coming to the main point of my post today.

If you're strong, wont you ever wish you could get the care that the weak has from their friends?

I always think that I only appeared strong and that I'm very weak, and I would yearn for care and concern from the people around me cuz I just hope for a pat on my shoulder when I'm down, a shoulder when I cry, just like any other person. I have feelings. I have senses. I have my emotional needs. Then it started to seem like I get unhappy whenever I dont get the care I want from my family and friends. I seem to think that I cant do it without their encouragement. I start to have self-fulfilling prophecy which is when I start to convince myself that I need encouragements. I dont get my work done. I wallow in self pity. I think,
a lot.

That's mere stupidity on my part. I am strong, and Im very I am and I gotta be since society demands it. And I am so gonna believe that I can make it through these hard times. Be it if my knees crumble, my ankles break and my fingers hurt, I will see it through. Be it that I'm so tired and my brain capacity is decreasing while my stomach capacity is expanding, I will make it through. I will achieve my goals. I will live my life that way it should be, provided that I'm a human being. Human being means I still have a heart, a heart to care, to share, to serve. A heart to listen to my friends, feel for my friends and be sensitive towards them.

Then another question pops out.

What happens when I really cant hold myself together anymore? Even though I provided so many ideal scenarios. Because I'm supposedly strong, does that means that I dont deserve care like the rest? Because I SHOULD be strong, does that means I SHOULD NOT CRY? Because I WANT to be strong and do not want unneccessary attention, so I should cry only when I'm under my blanket or in the toilets? And because I'm strong, I'm denied of the basic rights to enjoy love.

So, is being strong always better than the weak?
When deep inside the strong, the heart is just an empty shell.
A heart that no longer wish to yearn for anything.
A heart that just moves along, because it was told to get on with life.
A heart that just pumps along, because it was told that it was the only way to live.

Deep inside the strong, there's a man who constantly get pressured by the culture of the society.
A dead society can never move an empty heart.
When the heart dont move, the man fails to break through,
and he gets smaller, and smaller, but that's his heart and soul, not his body.
So no one sees it.

No one.

Birthday?

Okay, I wanted to do a birthday post, but then stupid blogger is taking a very very long time to load the pictures, so I decided not to do it anymore. But there are a few people I would like to mention, and firstly, that is Fandi.

She gathered all the well wishes from my friends and placed it in a sketch book style, I really really appreciate it. It was a present I really yearn to have since I was young, and she somehow, could read my mind so wonderfully. And she made this super mega huge card for me, really wanna thank her sooooooo much. And it's very me, to cry when I sense this kind of sincerity. It makes the world pause for a minute and everything seemed so beautiful. I'm glad I got to enjoy a flawless world for a moment.

Secondly, Yunjing, my lovely neighbour aka kuai zi.

I really appreciated her efforts in luring me down from my house to the playground and she sang a birthday song for me with her sister. I'm sorry that yj's hair got burnt when she was carrying the candle with her hands. but i really appreciate the effort that she spent into making me feel so loved! Greatly appreciated it!

And of course, I wanna thank the rest who remembered my birthday too (: and thank you Ms Tea for your photoframe, Kanglin for the care bear and ben goh for the funky ornaments and jiajian for the mini basketball (:

Birthdays has always been very empty and meaningless for me. It didnt feel like a celebration, but more of a obligation. I felt uncomfortable with how sometimes people may force an action without knowing the essence of it, and I do sense the emptiness in these occassions. And I had to say, sherm's bday party kinda got me starting to love life again. That it's so wonderful when your family really hope that you'll have the best 18, and hope that you'll enjoy your day. But of course, not everyone is as lucky, and I'm one of the few who's birthday gets forgotten by their families. It wasnt generation gap anymore, it's like a detachment.

Maybe I'm oversensitive towards these issues, but I thought, family always comes first. I really didnt like the fact that I was asked to go away so you could have your share of horseracing. I thought you were over it long time ago. I didnt want to remember those childhood horrors, they are really bad, and I really wanna put it behind me. But it comes back once in a while and I find it so hard to move on. My foot is as good as steel, and my heart is as good as a shell with maggots inside.

So dear friends, I'm so glad that you spent effort to work on my present. I really felt loved by what you've done. I actually forgotten my birthday, I was thinking abt it before it came, and I kinda thought, it's already over on the day before. I have a huge liking for cakes despite my huge resentment for overly sweet stuffs, but I really love cakes. And thank you yunjing, you gave me the first 18th birthday cake before the clock struck twelve. I hope you know it really means alot to me. And Fandi, thank you for the wonderful present that I've been waiting all my life (somehow), you know it means so much to me cuz I found a meaning back to my life. And I'm dedicating my life to my friends. I really wish to plan birthday parties and celebrations for my friends and Im gonna do it with a sincere heart. Not cuz of custom or obligations, but I really wish you will be truly happy on your birthday.

"Happiness is a by product of an effort to make someone happy"

Crisis of Credit

The Crisis of Credit Visualized from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

found it cool :)

gathering (:

Remember those days we ran together?

Went back to Telok Kurau Primary on friday. It was a good, better than good, in fact, refreshing feeling. They had Speech Day, and the same usual performances. I was amazed, though, that Mr Chua is already now getting the long service award. He was my basketball coach and teacher and he had great passion for basketball. He started the school team with no outside coach so he coach the team himself, and the team did produce results. He also helped the players with their school work. Primary school training ends around 7-7.30pm, and he would get back to his office and start marking books till 9-10pm. A really dedicated teacher I must say.

And it made me realised how much I gotta learn from him, in fact those little kids. They end training at such late hour, hmmm, maybe on one hand they are still kids and dont really have other commitments, but i'm amazed by the passion that they have for basketball, and also how attached they felt to the school. Ex students always go back to play friendly with their juniors, it was a close-knitted relationship, how nice (:

As I was talking about Speech Day, wow, I'm amazed at the little kids once more. They are so short, but SO HELPFUL. The little guys basically helped carry the chairs, and cleared the chairs. Some girls came to help out but those little guys helped them, they're like little gentlemen! And we're talking about clearing the WHOLE HALL OF CHAIRS, not a mere student lounge chairs or somewhat, not a mere 30 chairs for CT to sit during assembly. These kids had so much initiative and know of helping the girls. Two little boys (i think their height is around 1.30m) carried 10 stacked up chairs together, yet guys that I see nowadays (you should know where they are from) had so little initiatives sometimes that higher authorities had to keep reminding them. And when girls are carrying so much chairs, they didnt even offer to help at times. But oh wells, equality in both genders, sometimes, girls like to prove that they are just as good as guys and dont need their (unwilling) help (:

I met up with Georgina too. This girl, she really amazes me at how sensible she is now. And yet still so full of life. Unlike me, dull jack that do all work and no play. RAWR. but anyway, she's grown really pretty now, and she speaks with a little accent, not sure where she got it from but just as cute as ever. haha. Almost all the teachers that walked passed her said "omg you've grown so pretty!" and yes, she really is. She in tp now, and having a real good time. I think many have perceptions like poly means slack but actually they have alot of projects that really keep them so busy, and those are meaningful projects that are useful for the fields they are interested in. Unlike project work, you slog your life for it but so what? you still need to handle it with school work and all, who can enjoy it?

I met up with Zhiyin. Fellow jc-ian like me, we both felt SO NO LIFE. Mr Zad asked if we were to exchange what we have now for studying at poly or ite, would we? Both of us actually thought that we might exchange, seriously, but reasoning always pull us back to the pragmatic side and I still say no. Follow my heart is an ideal, reality is always pragmatic.

It was really heartening to see them all once again, and I wonder when will we meet again, admist these busy schedules.

-----------------------------------------

Reason comes into practice and I find myself pulling away from the truth, the truth that I dont wanna face, the truth that I wanna avoid, the truth that I keep denying. I find myself forcing myself to focus, and stay away from distractions. I find myself applying the self-fulfilling prophecy by psycho-ing my mind that I do not need it, all I need is dosages of studying.

Reason, the greatest denying power of all.

Happy birthday MOM! :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! :D



We went to Carnivore at Vivo for dinner, AND STUPID ME FORGOTTEN TO TAKE PICTURES :( :( :(

It was alot of meat though, and first time my eldest brother treating us! :D happy happy day!





So I made up for my folly here, by taking pictures during the cake celebration! :D

NICE CAKE! :D chosen by my brother and his girlfriend! :D



and my mom rarely wanna take photo, so this added on to my guilt of forgetting to take pictures :(

Yay! a picture with everyone except my second eldest brother cuz he went off for his friend's bday party :( all my fault again, not taking photo at carnivore, if not there'll be everyone in the photo! argh!

MOMMY I LOVE YOU!

even though im always burying myself in work, i actually take note of you from my door.

although im always using the comp, i would really love to watch tv with you.

although I'm always lazy, it actually hurts me to see you do the housework.

I hope, you'll be healthy forever and ever!

Stay pretty mom! :D

-----------------------------------------

Today was the ultimate, I went crazy reading econs notes. Not that I'm being such an ass and complaining about the notes, but can you imagine reading EIGHT lines and it is ONE sentence. I had to read paragraphs for 3 times to understand it. But when I read sloman, all I take is 1 time. I know our dear teachers are taking a new approach of writing lengthy wordy notes to train our reading skills, but, the language and sentence structure is... ERHEM.

I went crazy like "THUMP THUMP THUMP" on my desk while reading the notes.

I kicked the floor.

Kicked the bed.

Slam the door.

Scream for a million times.

Killed my brain cells.

Teared (the most silly thing to do)

I have no idea if Im stupid, or Im being unreasonable or too demanding or am I stress.Weird sentence structure right? but this is how some sentence in my notes are. and I got pissed off reading it a million times.

I remember I've got my principles of not swearing,

BUT TODAY WAS THE ULTIMATE AND I SWORE (in my mind)

I went "@!$@#!%#@%$#@%$" in my head.

I still couldnt bring myself to say it cuz im still sticking by my principles.

RAWR.

I really like econs.

but, it seems so,

URGH, now.

now, I'm gonna get back to reading PART TWO.

and read GP after that.

I've only been reading these two days.

No work done.

:(

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

------------------------------------

since im so stressed/stupid/traumatised/sad/angrywithmyself/hatemyself,

i shall get a dosage of RULES OF LIFE by Richard Templar.

Rule #43

"It's OK to worry, or know how not to"

It says that if you're constantly worried, the best way is to solved it, do something constructive about it. Or, get distraction.

So, I shall go get distraction like now, blogging, and reading (I really MISS reading).

And there's this particular sentence that attracted me so much:

"The quality of our lives improves immensely when there is at least one other person who is willing to listen to our troubles."

It's said by Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi. (impressive name)

So all you people out there, if you've got something whom you can pour your troubles to anytime, anywhere, treasure them alright! Dont let them slip away, and stay true to them! It's rare to find one such person whom you can always talk to, without feeling that you are disturbing them, without feeling bad taking up their time, without feeling weird talking to them. It's a fortune, which money cant buy and only feelings can build.

One such person? Rare, few, perhaps none.

Fade Away

I just wanna say hello to you
But you’re not lookin’ my way
Like you trying to act coolI think
I lost my mind

Back there and then
Oh how I let my feelings go
You see, I know it’s just a crush
And a crush won’t ever last long
No one’s forcing it, boy

So you I’ll put aside
Thought friends we would be
Oh, boy…

Sadly you took my smile away
Every time you look my way
It fades away
I think it’s best it stays this way
Every time you look my way
Yeah, it fades away

You just wanna say hello to me
Now the table’s turned
I’m not lookin’ your way

Olivia Ong's Fade Away

You'll realise what's changed is you.

Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same.
You'll realize what's changed is you.
- quoted The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons

I've changed, I'm no longer the complex creature that others thought that I might be.
I admit I do think, I think because I want to make life better, because I want to feel the essence of life. I do not want to live through life without thinking, it'll be a waste of my time on earth, since I'll die someday anyway.

Dont ask me why I think so much, I see no disadvantage in doing so. When I think, I think about my life, I think about other people's lives, I think about how things could be better. I create this mirage of a perfectly complemented with both good and bad of the word kind of place. It's an ideal, admit I. But, what's life without ideals?

What's changed is me. Indeed it is. All those sad thoughts that came along, wasnt because of the way my life/environment/fate is, it came along because of what I perceived the world to be. I shed tears for those who suffered, I shed tears for the unfortunate, without getting to realise how fortunate I am. I only think about how sad this is, that is, what about me? Great, and failed to realised it have I. I give critics to things that I disapprove, never really flipped the coin to see what's the other side got to offer. Immature I guess, or obstinate? Maybe a bull's my best friend.

Now I've gotten happier, because I smile (to myself and others) constantly. Let me keep smiling, dont come question me for the reason that I'm smiling. I gotten sick of those thoughts, so I've changed, I no longer think about the past, not even the future. I'm trying my best to live in the present.

"The world keep changing" how many times have I heard this phrase? Infinite I guess, too many to remember. No matter how the world changes, things can stay the same as long as we stay the same. Meaning, we stay true to ourselves. This leads us to the question, how do we ensure that we live in the real world (not the fake materialistic fame and fortune kind of world)? Just stay true to ourselves. Stay true to others. Whatever others has done to us, brush it aside and continue to stay true to others. Like I've always said, sincerity is what move others, trying to please is what you want others to move you, move you to greater heights after you please them, move to better positions after you please them, move up and up, are you able to keep your feet on the ground?

Dont judge me today by the way I acted yesterday, I'm still staying true to myself, and others.
Stop looking at me like I'm a specimen, I'm not here to be judged, neither are you.
I'm no complex creature inside, what I yearn for is just simple pleasures of everyday life.
Just because I frowned, dont jump to conclusions that I think too much.
Give me my right to think, and I'll abide by the responsibility to treasure life and stay happy.

I'm still the same, what's changed is you.
And you're still the same, what's changed is me.

Focus-ed-ed

I said FOCUS

But, I cant.

Thoughts, voices, noises, motions.

The line that parts reality from dreams.

I'm searching for the day, I walk out of it alive.

Right now, I can only dream about it.

But it's coming all too soon, to experience it in my dream.

Let me out, out of my dream,

for I no longer want to experience it.

I do not yearn,

I'm contented,

but my heart's going wild,

my ambition's getting high,

I want more than that.

I want that.

I want it.

I want life, in the USA, on the greens with my friends.

I'm tired, of feeling scared.

And I dont wanna turn back the time, in fact I hope I could forward it.

Let it part, and let it break.

this heart will sink to its death

when you leave me tonight

---------------------------------------------------------

I was studying with Cindy at expo's coffee bean today.

Quite productive (:

Maybe, I'm starting to enjoy maths, and humanities like econs, are becoming a burden.

hmmm, where did my passion for econs go?

Was talking to my tuition teacher about careers and studies, hmmm,

I'm kinda wavering.

Economics seems like a general degree, maybe I should take other degree just in case?

Really have no idea.

I still wanna achieve my dream,

which is to give my parents the best life.

Maybe what I perceived to be best for them may not be what they perceived best, but at least I'm sure it does in the material sense.

I have no need for these material needs, I just want my parents to have a chance to enjoy these materials, at least for a while.

Dont tell me I'm living for others,

cuz that's what makes me happy,

when you are happy.

From a sleepless night

A sleepless night.


It wasnt good to have sleepless nights, cuz I'll wander off into the future, or sometimes I get stuck to the past. I'm tired of thinking about those things, and I really want to get it off my back. And I'm glad, I did it, I'm happier, and I love every single moment of my life, be it the times when my knees are dying, my lungs are dying, my head is thundering, or when I am drowning in tutorials. I'm starting to embrace these simple moments of my simple life, this are the simple pleasures of being, a student.



Just then, I had one sleepless night again. I think about my life, and I'm grateful. But I kinda got addicted to thinking, that, I really cant fall asleep. Images appeared whenever I closed my eyes, familiar faces, feelings all came back to one piece, and that piece is me.



I decided, I never wanna forget my memories, cuz they are the valuable experiences that moulded me into who I am today. I'm thankful for them.


I've found meaning in life, and just as how I find time so precious(this comes along with finding meaning in life), so I really hope that training can be much more meaningful. I dont mind fainting, I dont mind puking, all I hope is that I'll leave training feeling much stronger than yesterday. I dont want trainings where I sit there for minutes, I dont mind the tired-ness, thirsty-ness. Cuz, I've got my teammates who're all willing to chiong till the end with me (:

I should feel lucky (:

Changing Mindsets

I'm praying very very hard for me to get stronger each day. I dont want to get use to giving up. If you're thinking why I refuse to quit or rest, it's because I dont want to make it a habit to stop. Once I stop, I'll think it's okay to stop again. Then my morale will go down. Keep it up I tell myself.

Life's these days seems to be very blurred. My eyes are blinded by the fog that I cant see the truth. What's the truth? Who am I to begin with? Im getting confused. These mixed thoughts/emotions are overriding me, and Im using all my strength to push it back. I want to put my heart into training, like hardcore training, and I hope I can make it through.

Some random thoughts, I had this friend from India and I saw this on her nick:
To all you people who dont like me mind and matter, I dont mind and you dont matter.
Pretty cool right? But it really make sense and true to large extent.

Everyone should stop living in other's people world. Feel your own emotions and follow your heart. Not the what majority feels is right. Be yourself, everyone says, but how many could do that? It needs mountains of courage to allow one to cross their comfort zone and to do that. I'm very troubled about the culture we're having here, that everyone still lives in their comfort zone and their junior high days. Their perception of junior high is always there and they are talking about moving forward, to create a different and new senior high. The fact is, the change starts within oneself.

I'm very glad to see many starting to take initiatives to take part in school's activities and stepping out of their comfort zone to campaign, to convince others that they are a changed person. I really hope that more people will learn to accept these people rather than give comments like "they are so fake lah, last time they ..............." all sorts of terrible comments. Everyone has moved from junior high to senior high, shouldnt our mindset changed too? Changed from being childish to being more mature, and make sensible comments. Everyone makes mistakes, cant you let it go and let them start alive, start afresh? Why dig on their past? Everyone has their past that they are ashamed of, and now that they have the courage to leave it behind, why are there still people who wants to bring it with them?

Our school can very well create it's own Senior High culture if we want, but we're now deterred by our own actions. WE are the ones that's contributing to the stagnant school culture, WE are the ones who refuse to think that things are changing for the better, WE are the ones who thinks that grass is greener on the other side, WE are the ones stopping the change. Why do this, when we want the change?

In my opinion, to change is to change our mindset. This applies to both students and teachers. How can a student shine when the teachers keep harping on the hectic junior high days of a student? Give chances, forgive and forget.

If this is the change we want, we gotta first change ourselves.

i respect you the most in my life because of your unique personality

thanks dear (:

Happy Valentine's Day.

(im supposed to be studying chemistry,
but I need my weekly dosage of blogging therapy I guess)

All new faces,
drenched in anticipation.
Then all new faces,
got dried by the reality.
Now,
drenched in tears of sorrow, of guilt, of love, of happiness, of relief.

Im really happy for all who got in, and I hope that all their strengths can complement one another's weaknesses and hence conquer the great journey ahead. It is an important task to first focus on the internal affairs, getting to know one another, find out what's each other strength and weaknesses, most importantly, bond. Through it, the strength that grow from the bond will be keeping them up ahead for their journey. It will be the amenities that they need to survive. And by knowing one another's strengths and weaknesses, man power allocation can be done better to ensure efficiency and productivity. Of course, to nurture great quality in their productions too.

They are a diverse group of individuals with different personalities, and I hope for the strength to let them carry on, even in their darkest times.

I, have trust in them.

Moving on, it wasnt exactly a great great day because of mixed emotions and feelings and thoughts. Sorrows that keep coming even if I'm blocking it away.
So I decided that, I should stop feeling once more.
I should go back to the time when I'm hard as steel, have a heart of steel, blocked all emotions, stop feeling for anything. I should go back to be much more individualistic and hide away from the world. I should stop opening old presents that brings back memories. I should stop trying to drown in those memories. I'm moving forward, across the big canyon, I hope I'm able to jump across, cuz if I fall, I'll die.

I was very upset one day, and decided that it doesnt matter anymore and I'm gonna throw what I used to have out. I took out this bunch of letters, very sweet letters that revolves around the song - If you're not the one - Daniel Beddingfield, I tore it up, crushed and threw it away, without looking back. But on this very fine day, I saw this evil little letter, it was the start of those letters that I threw away. It contained the proposal he made, it contained the great start without stating the dead end, I thought of the past, I thought I had thrown it all away, why was this letter STILL HERE?

Happy Valentine's Day.

I'm gonna stay focus. I'm blocking out all emotions. Sorry friends if I feel like a cold person. I have to be selfish for just this once.

I'll be strong. And, I dont want you to come along.
Go on, I dont(wont) need you.

Bent on

note to self: stay rational

I need to get a hold of myself.
Come back down to earth, is all that I ask of myself.
I hope, I'll be able to do that.

Contentment

It wasn't a very pleasant week, plagued with schoolwork and tiredness, and a little bit of tardiness at times, because, i'm simply too tired. I really hate T, it represents the T word - TIRED. The coincidence I have with T is simply, too much. Could I bump into you less?

T is like a sucker for energy, "slurpps" it goes, and my energy are used up. I'm still trying to figure out a way for me to power up, caffeine doesnt work, sweets dont too, water a little (only when it's on the face), interest dont too (seems like I have been very restless in Econs lectures and tutorials), argh, basically, nothing helps.

I'm looking at the newly built bookshelf, hmmm, I'm gonna pick out the blue book - The Rules of Life. It's by Richard Templar, one of my favourites.

Rule #65

Contentment is a high aim

There's a difference between Happiness and Contentment. Happiness is on the extreme scale, while misery is on the other. Happiness has no end, you will never feel more than happy enough because one is always aiming higher and better. Let's think, if I could achieve something that I want, it gives me so much happiness, yes, and I'll want to do something even more, because the second time you achieve it, the amount of happiness you receive drops. So Contentment, would be a better aim.

Contentment would ensure that you'll be happy with what you have, contentment allows you to appreciate life more truthfully, that very happiness is exhausted to its very last drop. The taste of happiness lingers like perfume, sometimes you smell it strong, sometimes weak, but its always there. These little bits of smiling events, could help generate energy to keep your world going. Contentment, is indeed, the highest aim.

To feel contented, is a big challenge and I've been struggling with it myself. Though I think I'm not at the suitable age, or right maturity level to talk about contentment. If I'm contented now, I'll never be able to achieve my dreams, I havent even achieve any ONE dream yet. So I'll work hard, work hard towards the day I get my contentment, contentment from achieving something for my life, for myself, and for my parents.

Contentment for big dreams are hard to attain, so maybe, I'll look at other contentments that I could have. In the book, Templar mentioned that something about finding Mr and Mrs Right.

"Big chemistry - fireworks, butterflies and unbelievable feelings.

It's brillant. It's extreme.

But that intensity can't and won't last."

So true isnt it? So if any of you out there is reading my post, and you happen to be at this stage of your love life, dont fret, it happens all the time. In my opinion, I surely would agree to a large extent as love is all about being contented.

Couples break up because:

-they dont love each other anymore (not contented with the one they have)

-they found another person when they cant be contented with the one they have
-they dont think the person love him/her enough (not contented)

Everything boils down to being not contented.

Templar just cleverly concluded with:

"And so if you find you are with somebody

where there is no big firework display, palpitations

and extreme of feelings but there is a baseline contentment

and warmth and love - be happy with that"

So let's all be happy and contented with what we all have, Contentment is what you hope for after the elation has worn off, and it's a worthier aim, because it lasts.

And I'm on my way, finding the contentment in my life..
Dear friends, you should too!

breaking barriers

Your strength can be your greatest weakness. It's so so true.

When one has been strong for a very long time, it seems like every single day was a brick added to the strong walls. In the long run, the walls turned cold, and one starts to freeze within the boundaries. It's so silly, because you are bounded by your own boundaries. And this, is potentially detrimental to the psychological state of one who have been living in this condition for a long time. One feels empty at times, and nothing could fill up the empty heart as one has been self-dependent for a long time. Only one could convince one of the positive side of life, only one could bring one out of the darkness and only one could bring one away from sadness. What happens then, when one loses the faith, power and heart to continue? What happens when one needs to depend on others? What happens when one needs something more? One breaks down, crumples and loses oneself. Because, one dont have the energy to try hard enough to change.

So tell me, who will have the ability to break these barriers?

Remember those walls I built
Well baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

week FIVE

week FIVE is starting in 1 and a half hour.

Can i manage to get everything off my mind?
Been dreaming so much lately, almost every night it's the same few people in my dreams, it's not getting lovely, it's more like a nightmare, a bad dream. It's getting disturbing.

I woke up with a bad dream, no one on my side, as usual.
Stop please, all these.

I need to gather all my concentration and focus on my task, I need to overcome these nightmares, these thoughts, these disturbing thoughts.
I need to accelerate, I need to improve maths.
I need time.
I need time.
Maybe, I need some time.
Maybe I already have enough time.
Maybe, I just suck.
cuz all these disturbing thoughts are overriding my emotions.
It's taking over the wheels from my hands, driving me further from my goals.

I need to brake, I need to stop the car.
Before, I get into a fatal accident.

Weirdest post that I have!

Right now, all my posts are super super super super super emotional I think. Because I've been an emotional freak nowadays. Which is why i decided to lock my blog up, letting it be my mini diary or something.

The skies, are grey.
The world is falling.
The earth is shattering.
It crumbles...

SO, so what?
so what if it crumbles on me? So what even if i cant survive past it?
Nobody is born to be a winner.
Nobody is born to have a perfect life.
One strives for it, one strives for their goals, that's what makes it meaningful.

Everyone has a goal in life. I have my goals too. But I've became too obsessed with it, that every step seems to count alot, so much so that I live my life with so much precaution. Oh wells, come on jiahui, LIFE WILL FIND ITS WAY.

If I'm meant to die today, means I will die. No amount of planning will change the fact that, BOOM, my life is over. K.O.! If things will work out, then stop worrying.

I've been talking about this barrier that I experienced, the barrier of letting go of my fears, stop being self conscious, JUST BE WHAT I WANNA BE. Why care? Why compare? Does it really matter? nope, from today onwards, IT DOESNT.

I'm just gonna fling my hands in the air, do whatever crazy things that I can now. LIKE, I'm not doing my tutorials like some CONSCIOUS FREAKO PSYCHOTIC I-DONT-DO-MEANS-DIE student anymore. Like, I'm going give it my all for MY LIFE. Selfish thought right? But only when I'm happy, my happiness can spread to those around me, for example, my family.

When life is over, it's over. So every second counts, it's counts so much that, IM GONNA SLEEP NOW! WHO CARES ABT SCHOOL? I HATE SCHOOL!

Yeah, I'm gonna fill my damn post with RANTS, like childish stupid rants so that I could get over my anxiety and worrying over things, and hoping a relaxed mind would find a solution to the problems in my damn life.

one last thing, I just gonna smile (: gotta laugh :D
you too, you laugh and smile too alright?

I LOVE THE WORLD! WOOOHOOO!

Oh, just a note, I HATE THOSE BLOGGERS WHO DIG OUT UGLY PAST OF OTHERS JUST TO INCREASE THE READERSHIP OF THEIR BLOG. And hate it even more when shallow people give comments like "Oh, insightful post!" How insightful is that when the intention was to show the ugly past of others, IT'S LIKE PAST, cant they give everyone a chance to live all over again? INSIGHTFUL? They dont even give their own opinions, their opinions are like "what is becoming of people nowadays?" Oh, so insightful? That's a bunch of crap. Can you give a different opinion or a much SPECIAL opinion?

okay, just to rant and releash the anger.

I STILL LOVE THE WORLD! WOOOOHOOOOO!

初二 :D

It was really funny to spend my 初二 morning packing more stuffs in my school e.g. random CDs that I dont know what's inside them.

The first CD had Tata Young songs, super funny, songs like "Cinderella" that goes "I dont wanna be a cinderella, sitting in the castle and waiting for my prince to come...." LOL totally, eh, bimbo or something, no idea. Then another song, which i've forgotten the title, goes like "I wish upon a Star, wanna be right where you are, you set my world on fire, baby I GOT A CRUSH ON YOU (she shouted)" ahaha it was super GAYYYYYYYYYYY. Cant believe I used to love these songs, that's like 3-4 years ago.

The second CD was just filled with chinese songs, lol, I didnt bother to go and listen cuz I could still recognise the songs, but I threw the CD away, im not really a fan of chinese music. haha, still love english songs more, I guess.

HAHA AND THE THIRD CD! SUPER FUNNY! I SEE ALL THE STEP'05 PHOTOS! (: (: (:

I miss exchange programmes! Since I'm super bored and cant seem to start on my work, haha, I shall just upload the pictures! (:


ME, my buddy- ya, berlinda and mabel (: I was SO chubby back then, maybe now too T_T

LOL WTH IS THIS? HAHA!

this is taken with the witayalai and some GESS ppl, haha.

I think i was supposed to draw something, for presentation, forgot what was it alrdy ><
hahaha our dorms, super nice right? we could roll all over!

this was the farewell at rayong witayokom school (: had to be in traditional costumes.

this was something like their teacher's day and every student give flowers to their teachers to show appreciation, and so we did the same (:

haha, no comments (: took some time to learn the correct way to do the wai (offering respect)

HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS SUPER FUNNY! OMG WE'RE DAMN CHILDISH! HAHA!

oooo, i really love the beach there, very scenic (:

yay, STEP'05! (:

we had to plant some mangroves, which explains our outfit, it was raining on that day too (:

yay! MY MANGROVE (:

haha, looks very dreamy cuz of the rain.

this was on DAY 3 where we had to play games around the hotel at night, very funny, like spider web and things we do at camps (:

me and ya! (: (okay look super fat here)

SHE'S SO PRETTY!

at the national park reserve i think (:

lol, really like a kid (:

the step'05-ers

closing ceremony for STEP camp'05

haha really really miss those times, i was a happy little kid back then.

just 3 years and i can never felt like back then anymore.

nouveau?

On friday, i set foot on my primary school. I have not gone back for a long time, and never got to see my name carved on the top scorers' board. 5 years later, I've seen it, a sense of achievement lingered for a while, and just for that while.

the feeling was really really good, to be able to see my teachers once again, and also my little juniors. they're quite interesting, ex-students all came back and did homework together, they shared a really deep bond to the tkps team (: just like me (:

everything seemed very peaceful (even though the kids were making alot of noise), and I enjoyed the tranquility. And I was really in a very happy mood when I went home! (:

I'm starting to miss alot of things, and I'm glad I've those feelings because I thought that I was not a human, and that I only knew work. Now I miss the feeling of having those feelings. And I missed the days that were of much appreciation.

on saturday, i set foot on the badminton hall of ACJC for SAT. it was terrible, not the scores, but the process. it was like poison killing me slowly, making me suffer infinite pain as I'm doing the paper. To alot of people, they were like, SAT only, anyhow do also can lah. But I realised what SAT is testing was our mental strength, not the skills involved (or maybe just minimum) I'm so tired but I still have to hold on and sit through the whole paper, even though there were breaks, it's getting abit too long to just keep reading and reading, esp long passages. Lol, i'll faint at the sight of it now.

in the afternoon, I had to pack my room. OMG it's SUPERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR MESSY and I look like an auntie, i hold my hair up all the way to prevent it from touching my face and disturbing my packing. And I came to this conclusion: I HAVE SO MUCH RUBBISH. I think i'll have phobia of shopping, for awhile, and it's gonna be a long while. Supposed to finish packing, but i sat down and fell asleep ><

at night, parents brought us out to 511 market to eat. hmmm, it's always weird to have family eating session, because it's always just my parents talking. I wish, siblings could talked more to one another. I'm the one who thinks this way and I'm not doing anything about it, kinda hypocrite of me huh. I really have no idea how to start, and i have no idea who do they see me as. what if, they think im trying to act smart when i talk to them? afterall, there's an age gap of 5,6 and 10 years.

after dinner, went to visit kao gong and kam po (it means my grandma's brother and his wife) i became very teary when I was in their house. they had a child who's intellectually disabled, and he's in his forties, i kinda worried for him as i have no idea where he could go if one day his parents were to leave this world.. he actually could do things right but nobody was patient enough to teach him, i wanted to show him concern but i was feeling tired that day. his parents just assume that he's stupid and cant learn anything, he feels really bad inside(that's what i think) and his parents would still feel that he is not doing anything. I cant blame them as they were not properly advised about their situation. I feel quite sad for the world then.

kao gong and kam po has 11 children, of which, 7 or 8 of them are guys. they could work and they already started their family. But, none of them are willing to take care of their parents, not even to give them a single cent though showing concern through money is the lowest level of concern. I was very sad when i see this, is it really true that we're in this cold hearted world? my parents always give them money when they visit them and I feel really glad that my parents are very very kind, and I could feel the gratitude in kao gong and kam po's heart. such sincerity really made me teared. of course, i wouldnt show my family those tears. my parents also gave my uncle some money and he was very very happy, not because it's money, because he could feel the care and concern from my parents. I always remember that he is always very happy when my dad visits cuz my dad do not despise him at all, unlike his blood-related brothers and sisters.

this made me think about my family. What will become of my parents when they grow old? I really love them and i would not allow anyone to hurt them and I want them to live life in comfort after retirement. what if, I couldnt do so? like, if i died in an accident? I hope my siblings will take care of them, and I'm sure they will.

on sunday, i set foot in the temple, making offerings to my grandma since it's chu xi. woke up real early at 6am (although my mum woke me up at 5.30am), and head off at 6.30am. it was weird, because I dont wanna do it for the sake of the culture and ritual, I wanted to do it because i treat my ahma as my family and i'm doing it out of respect and love for her. But i'll never know what's going on in other people's mind cause i've seen people listening to their mp3 and just standing there while their parents do the things for them. And some people, like me, dont even know the correct procedures, i really feel ashamed of myself.

in the afternoon, i keep packing and packing (: i came upon this present, it's really love and it's given to me by bond 7, really pretty, I LOVE IT. they filled up the whole book with love (:

and my newly renovated cupboard! (: beside my sister's bed!


okay my side, this is considered quite neat already for a person like me. hahaha!

while im packing, my parents are preparing the food for tuan yuan fan. my dad bought an Alaska crab for steamboat, it's huge. and heavy, and very pokey! my dad cuts open the box.

and ta dangggg! the crab, it's not very aggressive cuz it's on land, I actually feel very sorry for it, and i dont feel like eating it :(

and my dad and I took a picture together with the crab, my hand hurts from holding the crab lo.
(okay hair very messy, unlike my dad)

maybe a few pictures of my family gathering too, in the next post, i dont want my pictures to jump around and I had to arrange it like crazy ><

that's all for now, on a lighter mood.