too late

i watched chipmunk, it was great, i was so so happy.

and now,
i dun feel like smiling.
i dun feel like sleeping.
or rather,
i cant sleep.
i cant stop thinking.
im outta my mind now.

im too late.

i feel like cryinggg

change

all you've wanted was to chase your dreams...
i've never heard about your dreams..
and yes,
IF you are changing in that process,
change.
it's good.
for you.
to go further and achieve whatever you want.
go ahead.

it's not sinful.
maybe you dun even know what i meant.
and sorry,
i dun even wanna think about it anymore.
it just kills me inside.
and it's just so kiddy to cry.
and it's terrible to hold back.

year end

suddenly i heard on the radio "it's less than 10 days to christmas!"
it sounded happy, but i got this really sad sad feeling in me, the year's gonna end.
i dun even know how would next year be.
where would i be.
how would it be.
would everything changed?
cos even someone whom i thought i had, simply just changed.
maybe even im changing.

it's nearing year end, and yall never know who will be there or wont be there, and the grad party is like a last meeting for all of us, next year, we will be chionging like crazy again..
we talked about how boring is dunman high, how sucky is dunman high, and now, there's grad party, and everyone's like SEE FIRST. time's running short, i just wanna make something memorable for yall, should it turn out to be a failure, den im really sorry, but im really trying my best to make it fun and all!
but now, i dun even know what to say.

those whom i thought i knew,
actually i never knew.
you said you've changed alot,
yes i agree.
i cant keep up with your pace,
hence why i cant be in your league.
im sorry, but im outta your league.
sucha waste?
but were it even treasured?
it's all going down, and im going down too.

sink it all,
sink it.
i've lost anyway.
you chose that anyway.
everything's gone anyway.

i've lost

i've posted and posted and posted, but i deleted it in the end.
i really dont know what to say,
and i dont understand.
i dont even know who i am sometimes.

since when did i start wasting so much time..
life seems weird..
lesser b7 outings..
lesser friends outings..
lesser of everything..
even work,
seem meaningless..

even if i had a million in my pocket NOW,
i doubt i'll be happy too.
i just needed some quality time..
and i've being trying to do it all alone..
it doesnt work..
why.

maybe i just need to be brave,
and say,
im not afraid.
den end up all loner?

i've lost.

wait for you

maybe i should stop.
stop being stranded in my own world.
because the world is sick.
there's no longer trust, forever, longlasting or whatever shit you call that.

why did i want to play hero?
why did i want to do what others dun?
im killing myself in the process..
and im outta this league.

im gonna stop being anti social.
im gonna live, at least, meaningfully.
the world wont wait for me,
why should i wait for the world?
the world is unfair,
so why should i be fair to the world?

it's gone.
it's dead.
you cant find it back.
it's gone for good.

and im gonna move on and be stronger.
protection layers?
hah.
im not afraid of removing them.
im just gonna open up to everyone.
why be afraid?
no.
im not gonna be afraid.
hah.
--------------
im still waiting and i do still dream of you.
haha.

原来

原来，
我一直以来都是。。
我行我素，独来独往。。。

或许，
我因该自私点。。。

也许，
我已经能够人间蒸发了。。。
———————
看着你，
我也愣住了。
该向前还是退后？
我退后了。。。
该说你好还是当你不存在？
我当你不存在。。。
———————
快乐。。
又再次从手中溜走了。。

追求梦想！

现在感觉怪怪的，好像没生活目标，也因为一直在玩audition，发现到我已经减少了跟爸妈的沟通。心里总有些不愉快，也感到内疚。

我不能再逗他们笑了。

我一直尽量在家，看着他们的影子，我也感到快乐。
或许以前的我不开心，因为要求太高了。
以前得不到，所以现在拼命地要得到。
算了吧，不是我的，就不是我的。

现在有了知足的感觉，就开始没有方向，没有上进心。。。

小学的我，就有了目标，才小四，就要什么莱佛士，南洋的，再到什么维多利亚的。
除了读书有目标，篮球也有。
篮球是我爱到不能在爱的，
喜欢一有空就围绕在篮球，
一心只想进步，迈前。
也想过国少队，学联红，学联白。
人生充满目标。

现在呢？
整天玩audition,msn, LALA.
什么都不想做，
篮球不想碰，不想看，最好离我远远的。
自己已经无法面对篮球。。。
不是篮球放弃了我，
是我放弃了篮球。。。

现在，我想了好久，
我决定。。
追求梦想！

back from malaysia

it's been 4 days 3 nights, back in places where it's slow paced.
a place where everyone knew each other, and said hi to each other.
they were really, really close and nothing seemed unfamiliar to one another.
though i felt like an alien.

it's weird talking to my cousins now.
it's hard to communicate with them now.
i no longer knew how to make my grandparents laugh,
nor my parents smile.

and it was never great to leave them,
cos we all know that we dont know till when will we meet again.
know what?
i think,
i really love my grandpa.

he's so great, so nice, so lovable.
i wanna bring him around the world,
let him at least have a chance to taking the plane.
he's got a heart of gold,
that's purer than gold.

"ah ye, wo zhen de hen ai ni"

COOKIE!

HOHO! it's like since a class outing couldnt be done, we the three musketeers(namely shining june and me) decided to bake cookies for our class! As a form of entertainment for us, and encouragement for them! HOHO!

So we met up at bedok and bought everything at ntuc and phoon huat, the red man store! back home, we started mixing the cookie dough, but it didnt work well, its like so soft and creamy, not at all like a dough, so we added alot and alot of flour to it! TAH DANG! our cookie dough is done!

and then jerome decided to do a BIG cookie, and we put it in the miny oven at my house, AND THEN, coincidentally, my sister was in the kitchen and she shouted "CHAO TAH LIAO!" i ran in, WOAH, black thick smoke!

so the end product is,all thanks to dear jerome. HAHA.

CHENJIAJIN was a big slacker, he's either asking me for dota cd, or playing audition/mahjong. when the dough was done, he came to "help", by doing cookies for him and elvina -.- he tried 3 times before succeeding and we were all laughing at him.

jiahui: why do 2? do 1 pair lah! then can eat together mah.

jiajin: dun want lah! i one she one, then we eat together also can mah!

jiahui: (HOPELESS)

the not yet broken jj and elf.

the broken jj and elf.

HAHA, when he finally had two pairs, as he was packing to go back, the pairs broke in the plastic bag. AWWW, cheer up DUDE. HAHA.

and we too have jerome's specialty: ORANGE AND YELLOW BUTTONS!

all i did was cooking my lasagna! and a few cookies! HAHA.

but the lasagna was kinda flop and im so sad about it! the pasta not very cooked, however, my dearest bakers ate it all up! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! xD

felchen takes picture of us whenever possible! haha. i remember she made this christmas bear too! hahaha. shining did a bear for her brother! SO SWEET! and she's very good at making bears, she made alot! (i would nv have a chance to attend my brother's ns stuffs, for some reasons..)

JUNE! june was like making bears and she's SO FASCINATED! HAHA. and she did some bears for her mummy since it's her mummy's birthday, the first batch got CHAOTAH. lolol. and the second one work out well, except that the dough was different, it's like new year biscuit. HOHO. june was great, as she did all the washing (:

and yes, good girl june washed the dishes! but know what, this morning when i wake up, i wanted to put those stuffs back to where they are after they dried up, BUT, i realised, it's one side clean and one side OILY! JUNE! haha. she only washed one side of everything! HAHA!

i'll end our cookie experience with a group photo now!

shining and jerome not inside cos the tray got no more space ><>

------------------------------------------------

colours are coming back to my life,

slowly, i regain the elements of the rainbow..

happy

alright, at least i've come to terms that people just hide things to protect their interest, and why should i interfere, i should just live my own life i guess (:

these few days have been playing gb with my classies! HAHA! it was damn funny, noone could win stdj team till i came! Lol, hence me and jerome broke their record! *hi-five!*

Then, I had this interesting partner for the next day, JOVI FONG. Alright, he can't promote, as it would cause him to be unable to play with us, and SO, this smartie keep suiciding. RAWR!

That's all for gunbound times (:

Today we went to the beach! I swear it's really fun! Before we start, we're already taking photos, especially when my group has 3 feliciaS, which 2 likes to take pictures and 1 likes to help take pictures! HAHA!

The waves were really big, and it just came up on me and got me wet! I told mrs bok and she said "Be careful ah! The waves are so strong that it's CREEPING up on you!" LOL. Sometimes, mrs bok is just SO SO comical!

Then i started making sandballs and blah, to throw at dumb jiajin, after a while, as i was preparing more of it, i stopped and ran to him: "JIAJIN! WE SHAKE HAND! I DUN WANT PLAY LIAO!!!" and i ran off. HAHA. And smartie jovi fong start "spraying" sand on me and chiahau, and i thought there were hailstones =.= ch thought i was throwing at him =.=

So here it is, the first picture we took (: (: (:

I'm so starting to love 4E now, though it's abit too late, but I'm really loving it!

We could be so gay that i could laugh for hours!

---------------------------------------

And there's these people i really really miss,

whom i really really love too!

BONDSE7EN!

and yes yes yes, i really really miss them!

WOEIXIN TOO!

DEAR WOEIXIN, WE WANNA DATE YOU MAN! xD

---------------------------------

and i also miss the peaceful scenery of bedok reservoir!

TATA~

tired

I've already retype my post for 3 times,
and I keep deleting all.
I guess I'm just not in the mood to blog.

As I was blogging about things i couldnt find anyone to talk to,
I'm afraid people approach me with the issue of emo.

As I was blogging about Xperience, which was supposed to be a happy post,
I realised I'm not even haha-ing.

I don't know how to continue, and where to continue anymore.
I'm tired.

foryou

i wouldnt know if i should laugh it off, or poke my nose into it. i read an article, it says, help others always. but would i be helping too much? meddling too much? worrying too much? i wouldnt know.

there are comments about me being emo, but seriously, i dun like the word emo. it's too common, and commercialised, that every sad person is labelled emo, labelled as someone who follows the emo trend (rolls eyes) hello! everyone has a right to be sad, it is abt whether they walk out of it.

AND I'VE WALKED OUT OF MINE, STOP SAYING IM EMO.

yes, about walking out. are you walking out of yours too? arent you taking too long a time? LOST? i used to use the word "lost" too. but come on! you are losing yourself, losing your wits, hence you feel lost. there are like FRIENDS around you, encouraging you, guiding you, advicing you, they are your compasses, and you claim that you're lost?! like lost where? IN YOUR DAMN OWN WORLD, please, walk out of it.

i used to be lost, yes, sorry friends, but back then, i really had noone to turn to. i really felt like a BUS STOP. only people come to me, and im unable to go to them. sorry friends.

you know why it's tiring to be your own world? your own lala land? cos you fantasize about maybe things could be better, which is when you start to lament, and CLAIM that you're lost again! lost lost lost! finders keepers lah! =.= so you walk in circles in your own world, walking in your illusioned PERFECT CIRCLES, comeon, it's not perfect at all, walk out of the circle, be creative, be original. when you walked out of it, phew, no more tiredness haunting you down.

cos your legs can jump now, can run now, and you may even go further than you used to. dont you love the speed of the cars? dont you love how they move? you could do so too, just walk out of that pathetic world of yours, and think about others, walk into other people's world, see their life, feel their life, your mum, dad, siblings and all! YOUR FAMILY!

STOP, stop thinking of yourself only.
Please.

坚强

或许我朋友说得对，要坚强的是我，要面子的是我，不要脆弱的也是我。
我也不明白自己为什么再也不相信任何人，也不明白为什么我要摆出一脸没什么的样子，还得自己有时候也不再清楚自己的情绪。

如果我能弱一次。。

(:

thanks ppl for your concern, im really fine now (:

days have been great and everything's stable, except for the fact that im too tired in the past that i no longer feel like doing my best for exam now. but well, face it, it's exams, how can i slack? keep going jiahui! it's only a mere month. then you shall be off to china to enjoy whatever you wanna enjoy lah.

and to all who feel stressed or something,
KEEP GOING ON!
talk to me if you really need someone to talk to! (:
im on for 24-7.

i've always wished that somebody would convey what i wanna say to you.
and im so glad that my prayers were answered.
now you've got the message, please dun disappoint her again.
brace yourself!

in the rain

packing up my stuffs in the middle of the night,
clearing things up,
hoping that it would have the same effect on my head.
and it did (:

oh well.
i wondered,
was i crying or was it the rain?
the more i run,
the more it rained.
came to terms with myself again.

i cant even face myself,
i just had to run, i cant stop.
im such a stupid escapist.

i thought,
i wasnt a give up-er.
on a second thought,
hadnt i been doing that all the time?
what a hypocrite i was.

living in denial all this while.
ms seow said:
at least you realised your mistake
but i say:
so what? im sucha loser.

to everybody,
im a strong-and-independent-and-able-to-take-on-everything-that-comes-in-her-path girl.
it's too long for a sentence,
just like it's too much for me.

im not a robot.
im a human.
i need to rest,
if not i'll stop working for nuts.
im a human,
i have feelings.
i feel for every single thing i see,
i do need consolation.

its not desperate,
its just,
awaking from my denial.
breaking down the walls that i've built around myself.

i should smile,
i wasnt given a mouth for nth.
even better,
i should say hello.
sorry to some whom i've been so cold to.

i should listen,
i wasnt given a pair of ears for nth.
even better,
i should reply.
sorry to those whom i neglected.

i should love.
i wasnt given a heart for nth.
even better,
i should be kind to everything on earth.
sorry to those whom i said "i cant stand you"

i should see.
i wasnt given a pair of eyes for nth.
even better,
i should see the good rather than the bad.
sorry to those whom i only saw the bad.

i should breathe.
i wasnt given a nose for nth.
even better,
i should relax and take my breath.
sorry to myself(?) for not allowing myself to breathe and enjoy life.

imspirational as many have said i was,
i shall try to influence myself too.
because,
i've really lost all my aspirations, inspirations,
and even the meaning of life.

and the world doesnt owe me anything.

i hope you'll smile too, i really wanna drop a "takecare!" or inspire you with my "inspirations"
but im just too chicken to tell you.
hope all will be well again for you....

support

where has the support gone to?
do you even understand what im trying to say?
i tried to communicate, and you dun wanna listen.
so forget it.
i shall leave everything to myself.

like i said,
im fighting alone on this battlefield.

i did things that you want me to,
but have you ever cared about what i like?
do you even know?

and yes, im the youngest.
and why,
WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU ASK ME TO GO PERSUADE MY ELDER SIBLINGS?

it's not like i dun want it, i even wished i was the eldest,
so that i could take things in place.
but sorry,
im the youngest.

you've never tried asking us,
or talk to us,
not to even mention,
support us.

and somehow to find out things about us,
you have to go to the extent of PI,
you're damn sad.
you're really sad.

sometimes i wonder,
is it really worth it?

when i faced problems,
i turn to you.
and you said im complaining.
so be it,
im never gonna turn to you,
nor anyone else.

i've learnt my lesson,
i stand alone.

have you ever had the feeling of loneliness although you're in a crowded place?

what the future holds

what does the future hold for me?
i asked.

i decided for my future.
my future lies in my hands.
i answered.

but,
the uncertainty lies within my mind,
i think.

wash it off,
i said.

here it comes,
i screamed.
---------------------------
the thoughts of leaving,
excites me,
and kills me.
these values,
what do i do with them?

:)

everyone's got their own life to live.
everything's settled down.
everyone's simply giving their all for this one last shot.

SIMPLICITY

if only i was selfish and didnt care

happy birthday to dad!

hey dad.
happy birthday.
i wish you health,
i wish you luck,
i wish you the best,
of all things in the world.

i hope you like the car (:
and the cake (:
and the red ribbon (:
and definitely the yellow BIG card

i love you dad!
though i've never told you so
i hope you'll feel my love somehow though
---------------------------
as i was making the big yellow card for daddy, i dunno why, tears just rolled down my eyes.
i wonder what's gonna happened in a few years time,
how is this family gonna become.
i can tell that my dad is not really happy with the family, and im sorry dad, i didnt make them change.
---------------------------
dear brother,
can we talk?
dear brother,
can we confide?
dear brother,
can we share?
dear brother,
WHERE ARE YOU?

things to do

`chemistry test 4 july 2007
`CHAOS presentation to be ready by 6 july 2007
`Portfolio 4 july 2007
`AEP SA2 assignment 31 August 2007
`BSP proposal 6 july 2007
`MOCK UN SHIT

monday: BSP
tuesday: lessons till 3.15pm
wednesday: lessons till 4.45pm
thursday: AEP till 5.15pm
friday: golf
saturday: MUG
sunday: MUG

quote mr hong
"your results is not very FAN-TAS-TIC leh. you like that how?"

YEAH, HOW?
---------------------------
it's no longer about emotions,
it's about,
determination and perseverance!

why?

happiness.

who doesnt want it?
i admit, i do yearn for it.

i think too much,
i know too much,
thus causing this emotional state that i've been in for sucha long time.

now,
i dun think that much,
i look at things as it is,
i tried not to probe and see things too clearly,
but why,
why is happiness still so faraway?

i appreciate everything in the world.
my family, friends and everything.
im so glad that i belonged to this world.
but why?
why cant i get happiness?

i know im fortunate, im lucky,
but i dun count my blessings.
im trying to,
but why is it that, i just simply dun count?

there's just so much things on my mind,
and i dun even know where to start.
sometimes, i really need a shoulder,
however, when i have that shoulder,
i just dun want these nonsense to dampen the mood.

i cant bring myself to do anything.
i dun even know who i am anymore.
who understands?
who cares?

i tired,
of hiding behind this mask.

a mask that shows laughters, happiness, strong, independent and blah blah blah.

i need to stand up again,
and again,
and again, and
IT GOES ON.

great

damnday

im not supposed to be using the computer, but i had no choice.
i need to do those testimonials.
so was thinking to go online, and my dear thai friends talked to me.
miss them alot. really.

seems like my world is starting to crumble again, i started from stratch, i went through every turmoil, i made it through, i carried the pillars and build it up one by one, then i started to lay out the cement and all, i built it.

and i swear, i was really happy.
MONDAY WAS A DAMN HAPPY DAY. and the most amazing thing is that,
i dont know why im so happy.

and suddenly, an earthquake shattered everything i've built up.
it killed every bit of hope.
it collapsed.
and here i am.
struggling to get out of the ruins.

i really feel like dying.

june hols

since school is starting tomorrow,
i shall do a summary of my june holidays.

o1
BSP CAMP!
this marks the good start of june holidays (:

01a
BSP FAC/OT OUTING - ECP/PLAZA SING
there were people who tried to learn things that they dont know, for example, cycling.
i praise them for their courage to try (:
it was a great event, and we're meeting up again!

o1b
BSP FAC/OT OUTING - BBQ/SURPRISE PARTY
everyone made an effort to make this event work,
did things together and smash each other!
cake were baked, lasagne were made,
it was simply made in heaven i guess (:

01c
BSP FAC/OT OUTING - SEND OFF CHARLES
though some turned up only, i know everyone had the heart to (:
a sweet get together

o1d
BSP FAC/OT OUTING - SENTOSA/SURPRISE PARTY
i wasnt there,
but when i was back, could feel the atmosphere somehow from the way they said it (:
salty muffins, any takers?

o1e
BSP FAC/OT OUTING - POOL/BOWLING
it was more of lame-ing and gay-ing around that makes the world goes round (random)
didnt stay long, but well, it was great somehow (:

o2 STEP PROGRAMME!
this is the most enriching programme i've ever been to,
learnt things,
learnt life.
well, LIVE IT UP!

o3 BONDSE7EN BBQ CUM SURPRISE FOR TINGSTAR!
well, it was nice and sweet hanging with you guys,
like purely some catching up,
some reminiscing and some singing,
it was the best.
i swear.

----------------------------
memorable.

me myself and i

Because i realized
i got Me myself and i
That's all i got in the end
That's what i found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend

Me myself and i
I know that i will never disappoint myself
I must have cried a thousand times
but it doesnt matter
-----------------------
life is just like golf,
you go haywire if you're too anxious to see results

take a step and breathe
take a step and breathe
you'll find yourself enjoying every single joy of the world
and loving it to bits and pieces
-----------------------
learnt too much,

back from step

i remembered feeling really sad about leaving, cos i've found a stable point in my life, with things stable and all, for example, golf, studies, friends wise too. i was afraid to leave, because somehow i feel that, if i leave, everything will be messed up by the time im back. i'll drift away from those new friendships i've made and all, and seems like, it's already happening.

but well, i must say, i have no regrets for going STEP. it's boring? no way man. it's the most enriching trip ever, it's not about shopping and all, it's more of realisation of how lucky we are. when im there, i feel the most heartwarming welcome, the students over there were happy to see us. they were simply saying "ni hao!" "hello!" whenever we see us, some even friendlier ones will come up to us and ask "what's your name?" "ni jiao shen me ming?"

it's really great to feel part of their family. my buddy's parents treat me like their own, her sister greet me every morning, even her brother and brother's girlfriend whom i've never spoken to, wrote a card for me. the aunt and uncle were happy that im there with them, they smile and smile at me, smiling was simply our form of communication as we don't know each other's language. it was really great, and i saw their tight bonds among their friends, tight bonds between each family member, these scenes, you dun get to see it in singapore.

no matter how poor they are, they are willing to spend 2000 baht treating you to a sumptous dinner at famous restaurant, i felt really bad but i must accept their kind gestures. they are really kind, they buy fruits and care about my well being. they gave me air con and all. this trip really made me learn alot.

i also had some talk with a good friend, mr yeo. yes, somethings are just meant to be given up and move on, just like you grow up and move on from childhood, you cant cling on to childhood and wanting to go back.

i learnt to move on after june holidays, too much of somethings are bad for health.

leaving on a jet plane

Leaving on a Jet Plane
All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
I'm ...

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing

Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I won't have to say ...

Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

And I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
----------------------------
yes, i really hate to go.
but i know i have to go,
i cant let my buddy down.

i really wish that i'll come to terms with it,
and yes,
homework left untouched,
and im leaving soon, when im back,
im left with 4 days to do it all.
i hope i'll complete it all in thailand.
----------------------------
too loss for words?
or was it mental block?

where am i heading?
-

not in the mood

at least tears were held back,
emotions were suppressed,

doing good.
i can stand up on my own.
i MUST.

air of emo

i realised,
there's this so called trend - emo,
which is emotional.

many may feel that it's getting IN,
which i beg to differ.

everyone is emotional in their own way,
another term for it: consequence of reflection.

yeah. getting emotional and all, what's so bad about it?
you reflect, den you realised your regret and whatsoever.
but problem is,
because it is called a trend, so people called it a trend for themselves.

when they get emotional once, they stay emotional forever,
they think that that is what they is.
so im here to say:
come on ppl, you can emo, but please emo for a good reason, like to be better after that.
stop lamenting,
stop disgressing,
stop thinking that, you are the worst person in this world.

i realised, i have no reason to end my life or what so ever.
i have no reason to be sad,
and think lowly of myself.

because,
there are so many people out there, who are worst than me.
yet, they fight on with whatever they have.
what rights do we have, to waste our life away?

so, COME ON!
LET'S GET UP ON OUR FEET AND STOP THIS SO CALLED TREND.

please, stop allowing it to overcome you.
and lastly, yes, you all may have realised alot of regrets after reflecting,
SO WHAT?
what's the use of lamenting and being sad about it?
the point is to walk out of it.
you all know that it's terrible to be emo,
so fight it and walk out of it,
dun let it label you, dun share their name of EMO.

every second you think about your regrets, you waste one second of moving forward.
-----------------------------
sorry about being so uptight about it,
it's just that,
i feel sad that so many people are being victims of emotions.
they took emotions wrongly.

im one of them, and im proud to say,
im gonna get out of it.
so should yall.
-----------------------------
the skies during this season would be pretty,
all the way till august.
should yall feel down or helpless,
take some time off to look at the beautiful clouds.
the world is a beautiful place.
dun waste your chance of being in the world.

the pursuit of happyness

i have my own version of pursuit of happyness i guess. but somehow, it seems as though im running away from sadness, i've never like the idea of running away, it makes me feel loseristic.

i wanna fight it, however, where does my sadness come from?
i no longer know.
i wanna face it, however, where is my sadness heading?
i no longer know.

im feel like im blindly pursuing happiness.
and obviously, the happiness aint substance.
it's just merry go round.
round and round in circles i go,
and when im back to the same point,
i realised,
i've been living a lie.

i want real happiness, and im gonna pursue it.

if happiness can come when you want it to come,
then the world is a sad place.
--------------------
you're not just a student to me anymore,
you're more than that,
and i want the best for you.

OH RAWR!
Im so not efficient.
There's so much thing which I have not do.
Boohoo.

I shall attempt a HAPPY post
seems like it's working somehow
hope it dont turn emo later.

Alright, Im supposed to complete studying PHYSICS by now! But, Im only at TRANSFER OF THERMAL ENERGY. HOHOHO.

There's a match at 12pm later, all the best people!
We will do it!

And after that, I shall study till 5am I guess. I hope that golf will not tire me out too much.

Well, I just hope that all will be fine again, like rainbow appearing everywhere!
I do love rainbows, but, doesnt that mean, I still havent cut myself off from it?
--------------------------
yi bu yi bu man man zou,
shi zhong hui you na me yi tian,
kuai le wu suo bu zai

it's time to suppress every thoughts, every emotions and WORK IT OUT!

this hectic schedule i have here for MONDAY TO FRIDAY!

`STUDY
`MILO CUP
`RUN AND WORK OUT
`GOLF

everyday everyday everyday.
simply put:
cut myself off from the world
RAWR
____________________________________________________________________

PAW:
you'll always be remembered, be it whether there is this bond or not, because you left your footprint in my memories and it stays there. you'll be the last one i'll forget if i ever get into accident and die or somewhat, since im highly prone to suicide.

i just want you to know that i'll be there, you know, it's forever. but it's up to you whether you want me to be there, whether you need me to be there. i'll still be here anyway, you know.
------------------------------

somehow i feel like telling everyone i know that i really love them for being in my life.
because i have this feeling that something bad is gonna happen to me.
and i might not have the chance to tell them anymore...

superwoman

the mask is peeling
i cant hold on anymore
when it reveals,
i think,
it's time.

the smile is fading
how much can i hide anymore
when it reveals,
i think,
im gone

the front is losing
i cant put on anymore
when it reveals
i think,
i'll fall

the strength is weakening
and i cant go on
when it reveals,
i think,
it ends.

is it a beautiful disaster?
or will i make it beautifully beaten?
will i make it through,
and let it weaken?
if i fight,
i grow.
if i hide,
i fall.

but when i fight,
i bleed,
and i have to bandage,heal and fight all.

and when i win,
i rejoice,
but why wont you share my joy?

if i lose,
i die,
and i have to attend my own funeral and move on,
all at one go.

(even heroes have the right to bleed, it's not easy, to be me)

BSP CAMP!

BSP CAMP!

well. before the camp, i was like planning and all. and thought that it might be like boring and all. well. im sorry for thinking that way. most probably i was erm, emotionally unbalanced i guessed.

but, bsp camp was totally not what i expected, it was definitely COOL! as in, not that tiring yet you get to know all the wonderful people. seriously, it was better than planning for orientation. no offence though.

i read jon neo's blog and saw his post about bsp camp, about that silence he had. well, i had it too. it was more of an enlightment to me, as in the bsp camp.

i shall talked about what happened before that so that you can understand wad i meant. i didnt wanna blog about it though, was thinking that it's pointless, to blog, cos i didnt want people to worry.

alright, it was a fine thursday and im having aep. i went for aep and submit the photos that i rushed out, the photos that i really put my heart and soul into it. i was never so serious. so i happily submitted `PORTRAIT `SHADOWS `TEXTURE. and great. know wad happens? the teacher dun even bother to look at my pictures, den how do i know wad went wrong? you know how unappreciated i felt? it's like the teacher think highly of the whole damn world except me. i was like out of the perfect picture. i was out of it. i tried to put myself in by saying " you havent seen mine!" but well, my great friend said it at the same time as me, and as usual, i was ignored. den after hers i said AGAIN. and basically, the whole world ignore me.

WHY DID I EVEN BOTHER TO DO IT?
WHY DID I BOTHER TO PUT MY HEART AND SOUL INTO IT?

then feelings start to overflow, and i was overwhelmed. all the bad memories of team, friends, teachers, art, bball, family and life flow back. i couldnt take it, and i knew i gotta get out of there. so i left school all alone.

then it became worst. i wonder, why am i all alone? why am i always alone? why cant i have friends who need me just as much i do need them? why cant i have family who needs me just as much as i need them? know wad? im sick of being kicked around. im sick of being there when only there is a need for me to be there. people dun remember me when they're happy. do they even share their joy with me?

why do i cry alone, when we lost the match?
why do i cry alone, when i fail my test?
why do i cry alone, when my family hurt me?
and after that, no one seems to know that i've cried.

do i really look that strong?
and that it's side effects are
-people kick you away when they dun need you
-ignorance
-misunderstanding

you know i did so much for them, and i realised, maybe they dun even care. because they are afraid to speak up, i helped them, and took on all the blame. then i was left unappreciated. what is this?

i said im gonna be happy, but what happened?
how do i be happy, to stand all alone in the dark?

then it came bsp camp. i tried to be happy, and i am really are. as in seriously, den until the night falls. i had that emo feeling again. huihua was asking where i was going when i left the auditorium, i said "zou zou" den i went deep into my thoughts again. why am i all alone again and all. it was definitely sick. den we realised we lost a vball, den i went out to look for it again, searched high and low, all alone. worried for what might happen and all, i dun understand, why should i feel so sad about myself? it's like wasting my life away yet i cant get out of it. people say: only you can help yourself, i know, and i tried, but it's not helping. it's making it worst.

den had rehearsals and all, tried to hide my sorrow, but acting to be tired. den when we're dismissed, i went to look for the ball again, and again, i dun understand, when am i out in the dark looking for it alone? i seriously hate darkness, emptyness. and yet others had ppl with them to look for the ball. they had company, but i dun. does the problem lies with me? i dun understand. den i went back to hostel, on the way, i heard wanting and gang behind me, and i think they saw me, so i ran away. yep. i admit that i ran away. sorry.

den from hostel i went down to the playground, took the swing and feelings start to overflow once again. why, why am i alone to deal with all my feelings and problems. the feeling really suck. then i wonder, why didnt they ask me where am i going so late. this all lead to the same point, noone cares. it really suck. den i was just swinging, hoping to swing all the emotions away, then, my dear libing called me and came down. when she was there, i tried to deny i was sad and all. i was really tempted to pour it out on her, but i know she cant take it, she's already so busy, didnt wanna worry her. den she persuade me to go back with her. so i went back, bathe and count and slept.

the next day, i tried again to be happy. i just revolved around bsp bsp bsp, i tried to chill with libing, and it kinda works, at least i forgotten my worthless emotions. we just play and sing and all, it was great, i really wanna thank all the facs, for giving me days of happyness :) i try to communicate and talk with them, and it kinda work, so i felt happier. like on last day, i found out angela's name, and also chityin, siyu and liping, i know im slow, but it was then i opened myself up. thankew facs! :)

however, today, everything was spoilt again, vesak day, wasnt it supposed to be blessed?

quizz

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
------------------------------
found this quiz interesting. hah.

open your eyes//close your eyes

close your eyes
stretch out your hands wide
feel the atmosphere, feel the wind
release your thoughts
let go of your commitments
put down your burdens
you feel light, lighter than feather
you feel cool, cooler than snow
then,
you fall back
freefall

you feel your heart racing
you panic
open your eyes

it's still darkness
you feel pain
dead
___________________________________________________________________

doesnt really solve the problem i guess
yes, im hanging on to nothing
yes, im grasping air, and air
yes, im tired
yes, im thinking about death

but, im here standing tall
all over again

but, im here looking up
all over again

but, im here tryna fill my world with hopes
all over again

but, im here tryna bring happiness in life
all over again

ALL OVER AGAIN,
so?
just makes me stronger
___________________________________________________________________

sometimes, i just wanna feel carefree afterall
who will show me the way__

to be weaker

a human is made up of mind, body, and a soul.

mind is what you think, facts and fiction, good or bad. you judge based on the knowledge of your mind. your mind helps you to differentiate things, classify things and you can call it the judgemental mind. that's wad a mind is for. to reflect, to think and to judge.

your mind controls your body and your soul. it works with the brain. it sends signal to the different parts of the body, to show wad it is thinking, that's body language. your mind is the one that lose control first whenever something happens, which will then affect your body and your soul, that means you're gonna crack.

the way it can affect your body, is variable. be it a jump, or a scream, it can also be when your tears flow. a body, is just an embodiment of the mind and the soul. which you can call, the most elementary part of a human.

a mind is complex, it affects the soul. but sometimes, your soul can be a hard nut to crack, which strongly stands and not be affected by the mind. that's called a true human. a mind can break down, can go crazy, but your soul wont. and your soul would eventually be the one that bring you back, bring your mind back to stability.

so mind, is amateur?

and soul is expert?

but soul, everyone has it, but does everyone treasure it?

one who have no soul, is not human.

because soul is where your determination, perserverance, strength and conscience lies.

now, i can only say, im not human.
im soul-less.
because i dunno who am i anymore.
independent, killed me?
my strength killed me?
these traits of mine, build me too high up, den im isolated from the world?

my friend told me,
every woman needs a man.
my friend told me,
dun be too strong in front of guys.

but that's my soul, and that's how im supposed to be right.
that's how i grow up to be.
indeed the world the not fair.

girls yearn for strong guys.
but,
boys stray from strong girls.

im tiring myself out, from every shit that i have.

will you show me the way,
if i open up my heart to you?

ring

a ring dun necessarily bond a team together.
it's worse when you need the help of a ring.

why family

well. today i can say i really have had a great day. finally, i threw away all my burdens. and thanks to fandi, for being there(: i'll be there too if you ever need me!

all was well. all was calm. all was great. until the moment i stepped home. why. why have it all become like this? why is there doubt among everyone? i thought, we were family. i thought, i could turn to my family.

i said im 2 marks to getting A. and you tell me, take things more seriously den will get A. hello. so to you, im not taking things seriously. great. do you even know what's on my mind? what am i doing? do you even care where in the hell are your children? no, you dont. you said, you've all grown up.

great. but when i was p2, you said i've grown up too. so was it fair, for me to go through my life just like this? without communications with my siblings? friends even mistook them for my neighbour. i took everything all alone. i took it all on as a challenge.

i claim that i love challenges, i indeed do. but sometimes, i do wanna lie back and relax, have a family to lean on, to give my advices. no. i dont. i dont even know where should i turn to when i have problems.

and what's worst that i already said i'm tired of everything. i wanna rest. i wanna take things easy. im stress. and here, my dearest sister, probe me. ask me. so i shall announce officially,

I DUN HAVE A BOYFRIEND. FREAKING MIND THE RIGHT STUFFS AND NOT LET YOUR THOUGHTS WONDER ABOUT.

DAMN! im really pissed. why. why doubt me. in what way do i look like i've got a boyfriend? you mean staying out late with friends is an indicator? you mean going out late is an indicator? oh my. i think you should see more of the world. you appear all nice and friendly and gave me a pair of keychains, a girl and a boy. thanks. i appreciated it. but i guess you were trying to see if im giving one of it away. good try i say.

it's like when im freaking STRESSED, PISSED, DISAPPOINTED with this family, there you are, as an ELDER SISTER, not doing anything to make me feel secure. yet you questioned me as though i have a boyfriend. i would rather you come straight to the point, rather than beating about the bush.

sometimes, when there are troubles, i should look up to you, but i find you below me, asking me, what to do. how about i switch roles with eldest brother den? maybe i could bond you all together.

why cant all of you be more sensible? why do you all have to be ignorance of everything? why cant you all see the importance of family? i thought, yall were older, were more clear of the traditional values. no. im so wrong.

why, you as the eldest brother, have to be calculative about your freaking car? why do you have to hurt mum again and again? or maybe, i should say MY MUM, cos do you even regard her as one? or do you treat her as an atm? i thought i could rely on you a little, i realised, im so wrong. i gotta be on my own. taking every shit that you do. holding responsible for your actions. worry for you. doing wad you're supposed to do.

am i supposed to take it easy and heck?
i tried.
it's not helping.
in fact, it's making things worse.

and i feel worse and worst.

obituary

'What" will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

marriage age

saw this on mabel's blog. thought it was interesting. haa.

[x] I know how to make a pot of coffee.
[x] I keep track of dates using a calender.
[ ] I own more than one credit card.
[x] I know how to change the oil in a car.
[x] I know how to do my own laundry.
[x] I can cook for myself
[ ] I think politics are exciting.
[ ] I balance my checkbook.
[x] My parents have better things to say than my friends.
Total: 6
[ ] I show up for school/college/work every day early.
[ ] I always carry a pen in my pocket/purse.
[x] I've never gotten a detention.
[x] I have never smoked a cigarette.
[ ] I have never gotten completely trashed.
[x] I have forgotten my own birthday at least once.
[x] I like to take walks by myself.
[x] I've watched talk shows.
[x] I know what 'credibility' means without looking it up.
[x] I drink coffee at least once a week.
Total: 7
[x] I know how to do the dishes.
[x] I can count to 10 in another language. (MANDARIN!?)
[x] When I say I'm going to do something I do it.
[x] My parents trust me.
[ ] I can mow the lawn.
[x] I can make adults laugh without being stupid.
[x] I remember to water the plants.
[x] I study when I have to.
[x] I pay attention at school/college.
[x] I remember to feed my pets.
Total: 9
[x] I can spell 'experience' withoutlooking it up
[x] I work out on a regular basis.
[x] I clean up my own mess.
[ ] The people at Starbucks know me by name.
[ ] My favorite kind of food is take out.
[x] I have gained weight since middle/high school.
[ ] The first thing I do when I wake up is get caffeine.
[x] I can go to the store without getting something I don't need.
[ ] I understand political jokes the first time they are said.
[x] I can type quickly.
Total: 6
[x] I have realized that the weather forecast changes every hour.
[ ] My only friends are from my place of employment.
[ ] I have been to a tupperware party.
[x] I have realized that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[ ] I have more bills than I can pay.
[ ] All my friends are older than I am.
[x] I can say no to staying out all night.
[x] I use the internet every day.
[x] My wardrobe hasn't changed in a while.
[x] I can read a book and actually finish it.
Total: 6

Add up all the numbers and your marriage age is... 35!!!

LOL.

lazy week

alright. it's been a week of physics SPA, bio SPA and maths common test. but i dunno why, maybe it's called the after effects, i dun seem to want to study for it anymore. especially binomial, something that i keep failing, and statistics, something that i nv attend before. tmrw's common test is important to me, or rather, this year is important to me. it decides my future, whether i'll be able to get out of this well, so i could see a bigger sky, bigger world and obviously, imma touch the sky.

however, i've been studying so much, that i've tired myself really down and out. i fall sick like some crazy fool, and no appetite, i rush here and there and all, i thought, i would just faint somehow, i even dreamt that i died somehow this year. and now, i dun wanna study. because im finally WELL again, although im having this terrible stomachache for one week(maybe my stomach got hole ><) and i really feel great not studying.

besides, i've got art. i dunno what to say. the current module is photography; my hobby in fact. im really bad at words, maybe tzelin can justify, like i always cant seem to talk properly to her, im really bad at words. so i like to express feelings and all through photos and illustrations. however, AEP's photography module really is bad.

firstly, they dun even have the ability to provide each student with good cameras. (note: it's not that we chose to learn photography, but it's the school who put photography in, shouldnt they provide us with the SLR cameras? dun expect us to spend thousands of dollars on it for art, cos we're still students. i'll definitely get SLR, but not now. when i have the money, i'll buy. not for art, but for photography)

secondly, they gave us this assignment which required us to take pictures of SEA woman and must show the essence of SEA woman in their different walks of life. it's good, it's great. but they give us 1 week to get like 25 photos. they dun even consider the fact that we are students, and learning to use the camera, and we cant choose to take what we want. cos in the morning,we're in school, when school ends, women are already at home cooking dinner. then dun we have our own school life? like tests and all? (note: we're taking pictures of strangers, seriously, if some student approach you and say they wanna take your picture, obviously you'll say no right? and we might even get scolded)

thirdly, they didnt wanna lend us the cameras over the weekends, so the only morning we could use is GONE. no chances of market scenes anymore.

lastly, our dear art teacher says nvm, use point and shoot camera. DAMN. den why learn photography from you? POINT AND SHOOT.

conclusion: this is TOTALLY MEANINGLESS AND ITS HUMILIATING PHOTOGRAPHY.

___________________________________________________________________

anyway, i sincerely apologize to my dear friend for i've been really mean to her.
sorry ahwang.

it's gonna be FRIDAY!
it makes me smile (:

draw a house!

try this!
http://drawahouse.com/TakeTheTest/

Based on my drawing and the 10 answers i gave this is a summary of my personality:

You are sensitive and indecisive at times. You are a freedom lover and a strong person. You are shy and reserved. If you've drawn a cross on each of windows, you always want to live alone. You are very tidy person. There's nothing wrong with that because you're pretty popular among friends. Your life is always full of changes.

You will avoid being alone and seek the company of others whenever possible. You love excitement and create it wherever you go. You see the world as it is, not as you believe it should be.

You added a flower into your drawing. The flower signifies that you long for love. It also safe to say that others don't see you as a flirt. You don't think much about yourself.
___________________________________________________________________

i dunno what to say. but i need to make it clear, i dun wanna live alone. i just want a room for myself, so that i wont have to cry silently as my sister is ALWAYS in the room. i DEFINITELY wanna live with people. it's more exciting and i love my FAMILY!! xD

and i dun long for love =.=

happy saturday!

OH WELL.

IM BREATHING!!

it's a breathing weekends!

because next week, there's only:
-physics SPA
-biology SPA
-mathematics common test 3

hmmm. i missed the whole lesson on statistics. gotta study it on my own now. and i still hate binomial. gotta be lovers with it for A WHILE):

today is saturday, a nice day, a great day, a chilling day.
and im happy happy.
for what reason, i dunno.
just felt relieved.

and just one more week.
hahahahaha!

this is a happy post.
but a beat comes.
(according to mr ken, a beat is a change of mood)

suddenly, i realised i haven took any pictures yet.
25 pictures to be submitted to mrs goh on thursday(great)
and i have no camera(even better)
and it reminds me of 3 is a crowd(which is what my previous post is about)

i dun like it.
i wanna sway(random)

imma happy person xD

3 is a crowd

cant you imagine growing up to believe that as long as you treat others well, they'll treat you well too, and snap! back to reality, it's not true.

you put them in priority, you tried to make things well, think of their welfare, you care for them, you worry for them, you sacrifice for them, you treat them as though they are ought to be treated like that, because you feel your responsibilitiy and as well as the heart to treat them well. den, you realised, it doesnt come round.

why?

because 3 is a crowd.

you know when you actually thought you have them as your friend, as one who you can turn to, den it just so happens that when you need someone, they are gone. then right in your face they tell you who their stitches are. den you feel even sadder, cos you dun have one.

then they dun seem to sense that you're not alright, but they keep on saying how they cant live without their stitch, wad would you do? what would i do?

sometimes, they think of everything to their advantage, so make things easier for them, they dun even think about you, yet it just happens to be the moment you needed care and concern, they didnt budge, they stayed the way they were, and walked away. what woud you do? what would i do?

sometimes you do things just to make things better, to let them have a chance to get together, you realised, they dun even care. days passed. months passed. and 1 year has passed. they still dun care. they still dun realise. and some, forgotten. what would you do? what would i do?

when you are addressing important issues, and they should be giving you support, but you realised, they dun. they dun even care. what would you do? what would i do?

you tried to make them happy, you accompany them although you have alot of work waiting, you accompany them although you're sick, you accompany them just so they wont feel lonely, den the next day you got sick. you smsed them, they dun reply. you make it obvious. they dun even care. they just come up to you and say "give me the stuffs" without "takecare" and not even "thankyou". what would you do? what would i do?

they called you, oh yeah! they called you! you were so happy to receive their calls and they said "can you send me your ppt so i can see how it should be done?" you're tired. you're sick. you're crying. you're down. you have tests tmrw and the day after. you dun wanna switch on the comp to send, but you're afraid you might caused them to be unable to hand in their work, so you sturggled and send anyway. the following day you heard about the wonderful things they did without you for the work. what would you do? what would i do?

you're not feeling well. you're tired. you're having aches. you're breaking down. you feel like crying. they dun even care. you cant walk fast, cos you're not feeling well, but they are far ahead of you. they dun wait. they WONT WAIT for YOU. they continue their life, they're oblivious to you. there, you realised....

i dun have to do anything..
i'll just have to let it go..
they wont wait for me..
why should i bother about them?
why should i try to catch up with them all the time?
why should i always do the dirty job for them?
why should i?
when they dun even wait,
for me..

words of encouragement, do you hear?
words of concern, do you hear?
words of love, do you hear?

no.
they dun care.
and well.
theory proven.

3 is a crowd.

7 is scattered sand.

1 is perfect, just for me.

i'll fight this battle on my own, without them, i will do it, i will win this battle, i must stay strong and stand tall. i must not fall, because noone will pick me up after i fall. i'll keep fighting.

20x100m

i couldnt sleep.
i ought to say im sorry.
im sorry about the 20x100m run.

matthew:
heard dat you run damn slow sia

uh. thanks for reminding.
i know i ran slow and im very sorry about it.
my pair of useless legs apologized for backing out last minute.
they didnt stay strong, like what i hope so.

no matter how many sorry i've said, i know it doesnt help anymore.
but nonetheless,
im still very sorry.

sicksicksick

oh wells.

im back again. hmmm. i seriously have no idea what's up with me. WITH ME.

i tried to rest and all. yet i still get sick. sometimes i wonder is it a really good option to rest? will it really make things easier?

i dun like to be sick. i feel weak all over, physically and emotionally. i feel so useless, why is it that i cant stay strong all the way?

if resting helps, den why did it lag me and pulled me down? if not resting helps, den why is it that i'll fall sick easily? i've never fallen, or rather got so sick before. it's like fever has become my friend and i cant shake it off.

i had everything planned out and wad im to do to prepare for next week, and this sickness came and mess up everything. there's so much thing i wanna do. i wanna run, i wanna study, i wanna just be who i am.

but i cant.

seriously, i think my brain is killed by the frequent fevers that i dunno how to express myself anymore. what am i feeling now? it simply feels empty and all. i cant think of anything or any words to describe my situation now. except using the word helpless and useless.

thinking back, maybe im old. maybe i've gotten some tumour somewhere and it's killing my immune system. or maybe im the first to get this unknown disease.

year 1-
this was the year that i felt really strong. i could do all kinds of sports. i can play and play anywhere anytime without getting sick. but it was partly due to the fact that im neglecting my studies. but i can remember how happy i was on court. without having the burden of thinking about whether my knees(note the S) can take it. i can remember how i ran for track and i kinda went for it regularly(didnt know wad i was thinking back den)

year 2-
this was a much happier year due to many happenings. mainly cos i was quite settled in 2C'05. and something else. but the reality smack me right in the face too. my knees cant take it anymore. oh wells. so it was kinda saddening too. like when you just walk, and suddenly you collapse on the floor. you cant get up no matter what, so you stayed on the ground for some time before getting up. then, you realised it's all over.

year 3-
this was an empty year i guess. without tournaments for me due to my leg injury. it was the year i break off from this game i loved so much. getting on court seems like a memo, to remind me of how useless i am. it was the year i lost something else too. it was the year i drift away from things that was once so close to me. namely, mabel and bond7 and something else. maybe i also lost that passion for the game that i once loved so dearly.

year 4-
i lost my senses. i lost my brain. i lost my agility. i lost the game. i lost the battle. i lost my way. you can say that this year, im really losing everything. like im so lousy and i shouldnt be telling my juniors anything, but i still scolded them in the end. in basketball, i simply feel like an elephant. i've lost all traces of confidence and i doubt i'll find it ever again. i lost the battle against school. i thought i could take it all on and manage properly, but i think im wrong. i was killed by chaos. i was killed by 3 tests in a week. i was killed by my fever that results from the busy schedule that i have. i was killed in every single way that i lost my way.

tell me where am i heading with these. there's so guarantee that i could head where i go, and instead, it's killing me. every fever reduces 10% of my confidence of doing this. and i have to convince myself "jiahui. you can do it. nothing's gonna bring you down. nothing can make you fall." everyone says rest well. how do i rest?

who stands by me? who encourages me? who gives me faith? and who agrees with what im doing?

noone.

they say i'm too independent. they say im stressing myself out. they say im crazy. they say im too strong. they say this is not the way. they say i should stop. they say it's my fault.

and some others didnt care nor bothered.

so i hereby declare that:

I WILL DO IT.
ON MY OWN.
I STAND STRONG.

my personal profile

my personal profile.

You are trying desperately to prove yourself. You are going at it hammer and tongs in order to get your own way. You oppose any sort of restriction or opposition to your own point of view in the belief that this could prove you how self determined you are.

You seem to lack the energy of late to get up and go. Your objectives appear to be unattainable and no one seems to care. You feel lost, neglected and need some W.T.C. (Warm tender care).

You are trying to break away from the mundane existence that you have been experiencing of late. You have many high hopes and ideals but you are concerned whether circumstances will allow you to realise these ambitions. You want to spread your wings - to broaden your fields of activities - but you are concerned that your dreams are just that - 'dreams' which are not realistic. It concerns you that you are not thinking clearly at this time - what you need is to get away from it all, to give you time to think. A short vacation could well restore your confidence.All of your stress arises from lack of mutual understanding. The existing situation is unsatisfactory and you feel that you are unable to improve it without the help and co-operation of others. The need for understanding and for affectionate 'give and take' remains unsatisfied. You are experiencing the feeling of being 'handcuffed' - 'tied down' - 'hindered' - 'restrained' and this untenable situation is giving rise to impatience, irritability and the desire to escape from it all.

Perhaps in the distant past your trust and belief in your fellow man was misplaced and you can now no longer accept anything as it appears to be. You are untrusting and you insist that before you commit yourself to anything, you examine the pro's and con's with critical discrimination. The situation has now progressed to one where you are apt to disagree yet not make any form of constructive criticism to every suggestion that may be put to you. As a result you are in limbo. There is a saying that goes 'The past does not equal tomorrow'. Think about it - and let go.

not gna slp

well.

i thought i was going to die. receiving the email from mr soh, and reading all his comments about my work. wow. for that instance, i feel like just running to the window and jump, end it all. end my sufferings and blahs.

but that's called a sign of weakness. being strong, i decided not to be so foolish. there's so many things i still wanna see. so i decided to get through it. this will be a competition against myself. i am my own opponent. im gonna fight hard. attack hard.

and i hope i get through it.
well.
to get through it.
im not gonna sleep tonight.
nor the next night.
all the way till wednesday. i hope i survive.

wish me all the best people
XD

fever again

somebody told me i've changed. he said i've become more independent. it's a good thing isnt it? what's so bad about being independent? more independent, stronger. gotta thank my mum for bringing me up as a strong kid.

he said i've become more on the depress side. sorry. i dun think so. i think i've become happier. just that you dunno wad's on my mind. so please dun claim that im more depressed.

i know you care, and i appreciate it.
thanks.

but somehow it puzzled me. why did you ask that question, that question that bring everything back. bring back all that i've kept in my mind for one year. yes. i admit, that i wont let go. but it's not gonna have any effect on me.

im strong. rmb?
--

i cant believe it. im having fever again. OF ALL TIMES, why fever now? i got a physics test coming up on wednesday, and im a regular failure, so i decided im gonna get at least 70%. i cant keep on failing, i cant give up yet. i will fight back. on and on against all odds.

i keep on attacking.
nothing's gonna stop me.
takecare people.

pointless it is

well. i really gotta commend you for trying so hard to just convince me that i should be happy. really appreciated it. well. i just gotta let you know that it's pointless. who doesnt want to be happy? i want to be happy. but some things just cant be forced. you say, you just cant stand it because i have the ability to be happy but im not happy. well. maybe the problem lies with you not being able to understand what i really mean and what i see my life is. i am happy. happy as the way i am. with my class. i laughed and i smiled. im happy. but dont you dare come to me and say "im living in self denial" because i am truly happy.

im not the emo,sad or pathetic as you think i am. im not that weak that you thought of me to be. i DO have the ability to be happy. and to bring joy to others too. because that's what im for. to bring happiness to the people around me. i seriously hope that you people around me are really happy. because it's the joy from friends and families that made me continue my drive for greater heights. it's pointless to live if im missing out on these happiness.

now do you get the picture that i do know how to be happy? but come on la. who doesnt have their own bad day. their day where they will be sad. and if we dun feel sad, we wont understand the true essence of happiness. so i think that it's okay for people to feel sad once in a while. so dun come tell me what to do, cos i know what i can do.
--------------------------------------------------------------
i realised why i've been SAD these days. it's about growing one year older and you tend to reflect on your life. then i reflected that for the past one year, my life's been in a rush. i realised it doesnt seem to be meaningful. to be just studying and studying, rushing here and there, feeling stressed every now and then.i dun even get to enjoy the festive joy with my family, what's the point of living and getting all rush..

the greatest joy comes from a family eating together, be it just plain rice, as long as you have the family together, it'll taste just as great as any other delicacies. but, me, being the youngest in the family, realised it, but when will my dear family understand?

they tend to thought of me as a GROWN UP. but im sorry. i do need these family joys. what's the point in me doing so much and going against all odds just to ensure that you'll enjoy a happy retirement, when you dun even appreciate family..

you bring me out, to your friends, and you comment on what a great, independent girl i am. without you having to worry for me, without having you to help me with anything. so yes. i do every single DAMN thing myself.. ever since young, i learnt everything on my own. but without feeling family..if i dun feel the family, how can i call myself human?

sometimes i think, im tired. i need a rest. but i refused to take a rest because it'll waste time again. i dun wish to waste all these time because i was thinking, maybe sometime you'll just come around and say " let's have a family outing"

but to this point, im really tired. having to do everything by myself. i think about it. i lament about it. i harp on it. a girl, just 8 years old, always spend the so called sunday family day with aunties. you all just go for your damn horseracing thing and throw me at those aunties house, where i get bullied and all, do you know?

and you should be lucky that i was strong to endure it and stand up on my own, i left that sick aunties house and wandered on my own. i didnt get kidnap was a bonus. i might just walked on foot to malaysia. but i didnt. i refused to give up on my family. it doesnt matter that you're going for horseracing, but why did it have to get worse? why did you started on mahjong? im still young. why did you started on football bets? im still young.

so i gotta face it all myself, having to study and all on my own. when i was p5, i hang out around with friends who smoke and steal, blahs and blahs. but, i was able to walk out of it, knowing that it is wrong, should i say you should be glad to have a sensible daughter?

i was even able to do well for PSLE which was such a joke. having to face friends who gimme the oh-you-can-go-have-your-own-life-while-WE-stay-together-in-the-same-school kind of attitude, i'll never forget having to face everything on my own.

i could still remember i went home all drenched, just to hear you scolding me. while my friends all get warm water and blanket from their families to warm themselves.

independent. strong. blah blah blah. but im tired of it. i've been so bothered by it that i feel sad and all that every single day. but i decided, im not gonna let it bother me anymore. im not gonna be sad anymore. im gonna stand up again on my own as usual, im gonna tell you"i'll be even stronger. i'll be able to mind my own life. i'll be able to do things on my own. you dun have to worry. i'll feel happy somehow. i'll get to the stairway to happiness."

yes. im not gonna be that weak anymore. i will not harp on it anymore. always thinking about turning back the time. no. no way.

every second that i think about turning back the time, i waste every second to move on.

yes. that's my conclusion for the day.

move on and be strong.
harping emoing doesnt help.
because it'll only stop me from being myself.

------
yesterday i said i dunno myself anymore.
today i say i'm gonna be me.

i'll be even stronger.

happy birthday(:

hello to all. it's been sucha a long time ever since i blogged properly. well. firstly, i would like to thank those who wished me happy birthday. thank you very much.

NANA! SHUJUN! MABEL! KAREN! TINGG! SHERM! PAWPAW! CAPT!

THANKYOUSOMUCH!!!!! <33

dahei june grace comint qianye jocelyn cindy fandi shanmin yuting xiumin jamie leongheng candice zhiyin vincent wenyou qianjun raymond zhiwei mr yeo ms seow tricia zhuowen dave

thankyouforwishing(:

zhenhui

thankyou for everything for these past few years. you've been a really great daddy!

jiajian

i really gotta thank you for the four leaf clover handphone accessory and also spending the time to write me that song. it's okay that you didnt sing for me. :)

SAFE XD

i dont know if you'll be reading this. but still, thank you very much. for sending the present over to singapore. and happy birthday to you too. we're born on the same day 260391<33s
hope you'll receive my present soon too! XD

4e'07

y'all have been a great class! thanks for showing support to your dear chair! your chair thus decide to let you all sit on her anytime you want. she'll be there for all of you! and really thank you for the board. it's lovely(:

alright. end of my thank you session.
XD

well. im feeling the same way all over again. which is not good. and no good. and bad. maybe i have to try to bear with the realizations. so many things on my mind. so many troubles and stuffs. but lucky i keep a diary. if not i guess i'll really explode.

it's definitely a year that's really gonna pass fast. very much faster. i'll basically be full steam ahead. for everything. no time to rest and all anymore. i've been sick for one week. that's a really big break and it lagged me by alot. i cant afford to fall sick anymore. i hope my health will be able to get pass this stage.

im 16. hmmm. maybe, i realised what's birthdays for. it's for you to acknowledge your age. that's all. birthday come and go. many birthdays. and i. suddenly just had this feeling. i wish, i dun have to celebrate birthdays. what's that to celebrate seriously? it's becoming so commercialised that it's also a measure/gauge of your popularity. and it also shows where you stand and all. good or bad. i dunno. the world's moving. and we caught up this way. we gotta live with it isnt it? and birthday means you're one year older. that's all. why celebrate? i dun wanna grow up. i wanna turn back the time. so what's there to celebrate again. im sucha abcdefg person that i dun know me anymore.

you go one big round just to come back to the same point. same thing. nothing's change. you run away. you run one big round. and now, you're back to the same point. what do you do? you live on. but you cant walk away from it anymore. you're gonna walk towards it. get hurt by it. and learnt how to get pass it.

there are so many things that should be left unknown. but i just tumbled upon it. and come to know of so many things. it's running through my mind like an endless story. how do i stop it? you stop it by finding a full stop to the story. you cant cut it like that. cos you wont feel good. so i wont stop myself from thinking so much. but i'll like it go on in my mind. and i'll find the stop button to stop things beautifully.

realizations are not bad. because you learn something from it. but i'll just think alot. sorry if i dao you or something. because really, alot is on my mind. so i apologize now if anything happens.

hmmm. it's been so long since i last went for training. well. let me explain myself. you can call it excuses and whatsoever. i dun really care. but i ought to explain myself. firstly, i find it pointless for me to go training, because my health is not at it's top form and it's useless training cos it wont produce positive results. in fact, i might get pneumonia. you say that im paranoid, but im not. i wanna have a long life. so that friends wont go through the pain of losing a friend/enemy. so i guess i'll be fine soon, den i'll go for every training. i wanna see things for how they are and make things right.

im so looking to the end of this year. im so looking forward to exams. im so looking forward to challenges. im so looking forward to everything. isn't that how life is supposed to be?

i'll blog again about life. about me coming to terms with life. how i understand life in the end.

turning back the time, means you'll perfect things, means you wont learn your mistakes.
when you make a mistake, you really learn it when you stop telling yourself that you wna turn the time back.

live for the present.
live for your life.
life is now.
right in front of you.
you dun see it.
but you feel it.
right in your heart and soul.
it's in you.

boohoo.

alright. i wanna sign in at msn. but know wad? there's this darn error which dun let me sign in. and they ask me to troubleshoot. alright. shoot shoot shoot. and they told me my connection is PERFECTLY FINE. like TICKS all the way. then, i thought it MIGHT BE msn's fault. so i click 'service status' and they told me 'all programs are running and stable' OH WOW. i decided to read tingg's blog and found this.

RULES: Each person who gets tagged needs to write a blog post of their own 6 idiosyncrasies/weirdness. Then, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged.

1. I sleep with ribbons. If i do not have any ribbons with me when i sleep, i'll feel uneasy. So i'll go round my house searching for ribbons. and when i have my ribbons, i need my sheep with me. i think, i just cant grow up afterall...

2. since tingg mentioned about her writing with pens that are very fine.. well.. i tried using the 0.4 pen which is very very fine, urhmm.. i broke the tip. i tried buying another one, and broke it within 10 minutes? and i tried buying the same pen again, it still broke... i guess, i should keep to normal pens.

3. I like writing. many may like typing things out more. but well, i prefer to write. i love the feeling of writing. cos i'll keep changing my handwriting. and testing different kind of feeling when writing. like ANGRY, SAD, HAPPY, or etc etc. i try to put feeling in my words. during exam, i feel RUSH-ness.. so my handwriting all suggested RUSH. haa.

4. im always LATE in the morning. or EXTRA early in the morning. im very very extreme. like i can go for training at 9am, which i'll feel very guilty after that. and sometimes i reach at 7.15am, and stone all the way, waiting for my dear teammies to come in.. but, im actually a person who hates people to be late.. im always punctual.. IN THE AFTERNOON.. i can still remember reaching 5 minutes earlier than the meeting time and i called my teammies.. all of them are at home. GREAT!

5. i suffer abit of mental problem. i talk to my ribbons, sheep, bears, fish(REAL), plants and hermit crab(REAL). yes. i have hermit crabs at home. 2 of them, one big one small. i play and talk with them.. and i talk to my fish, i cry for them sometimes, cos i seem to be able to read them, like when they feel sad. sometimes i look at my plants, i think they're talking to me. so i reply.. ahem..

6. i have a humongous appetite, or rather, my metabolism rate is ultra fast. i can eat like 3 packets of mee(veryveryfull), and after 2 hours, im HUNGRY(growlingkindofhungry). i used to eat 5 meals a day. and well. im very very fat, you can call that weirdness i guess. >< i even ate 5 oranges or apples at one go. my mum thought i was shui guo nai nai's descendents. ahem.

6 people who have been tagged:
1. mabel
2. cindy
3. blah
4. blah
5. blah
6. blah

that's all for today.. bye!

confidence

hmmm. today was surprising indeed. had my first physics lesson of the new chapter. missed previous lessons due to competitions(dun mention that to me anymore) den my first lesson was actually the end of the lesson. my dear mr hong say SURPRISE TEST. COOL. i was only there for the summary? and i had to do the paper by learning everything during the paper.

den there was biology test. which was surprising too. because ms koh thinks that the way we sit for exams is cute. =.= and the test was surprisingly wordy. which i hope i didnt flop.

today was surprising again cos cindy is so happy. it's surprising too cos my class mortal knows who her angel is. it's surprising too cos there's spot check. but wad surprised me most is GOLF.

when we reached laguna, they said RUN. ok. run den. i wanted to slack. but i couldnt help feeling so useless. so i ran and ran and ran. those st pat guys are kinda erm... dunno how to describe.. after that is hit ball time. den said told me, that i have no confidence. that im too conscious of myself. he says i've got what it takes. and if im determined to do it, i can do it.

yes. and that kinda inspired it. i needa do something. i cant carry on like this anymore. i learnt a painful lesson in bball. i cant let it happen again. i gotta do it. it's like making me think maybe i could have play. maybe i could have improved. maybe i could have do it for them. maybe... loads of them.. confidence.. where are they?

how do i search for it? how do i do it? how do i find myself back? i never felt so not confident before. i never felt like this before. it's indeed surprising.

i've reached 100m. time to go for 150m. even if it takes me my arms..

bdiv07 ends

im sorry.. all i can do is to hold back my tears and make sure that yall stand up on your feet once more..

sunday blues---

sunday blues-
as usual, wake up arnd 10 and go for family breakfast. as usual my dearest brothers aint there. as usual, we ate and went to supermarket. but well. something special happened today. my dear dad was like looking at jewelleries at CITIGEMS. while my mum and sister are at the bra fair and im just wondering around in tm. den i walked over to my dad. hmmm.

there's is gorgeous necklace that my dad wanna buy for my mum. there's 142 tiny diamonds on it which adds up to 1 carat+++ so cool and there's two different ways to wear it. it costs like $3328 if i didnt remember wrongly. but well. my dear mummy, dun want it. oh wells.

we also went into aussino. haha. so cute lah the kids bed sheet. so i decided to get one too! since it's like so cute. can accompany my maamaa( betcha dun remember-it's my sheep on my bed ) and my pillow case got a duckie on it. woots.

come to think of it. i've never been in contact with sucha cartoons stuffs before. that explains why im so mature right? hahas. since young, i dun even watch cartoon. maybe a lil of tom and jerry. cos i can understand the cartoon. but other cartoons i cant! i've always thought that they're mumbling... except for pikachu which i can hear clearly "pika..pika.." =.= i've always been watching drama serials since young. with my older siblings. cos i cant except them to watch cartoon with me anyway.

well. recently i've been so stress. but somehow, i also developed this over independent syndrome? that im not telling anyone anything and not saying anything but keeping everything to myself and suddenly it's like over le. but when sudden rush of sadness overwhelms me, everything just come back. >< so if i flare at you or anything, im sorry.

well. back to my sunday. hahas. i saw fudi, dahei and ms ling. lol. fudi and da hei ah. hanky panky ehh. lols. holding some pink wrapper in their hands lol! so i had a big laugh anyhow. lol.

i guess the syndrome aint over yet. maybe it will be there forever. seems like it is so.
i dun understand what's on your mind. what are you thinking of. i wish i knew.

TGIF?

thank god it's friday?

dont seemed to be very thankful.

stress is my world now i think.

i even pon my golf.

and go and play bball.

but well, i played real badly.

and i knew im in no fit condition to play cos im sick?

and my tummy is like hurting and i feel like puking.

but i still played anyway.

right after that,

i simply puked all my ribena out(which is basically the only thing i had for the day?)

i dunno why. just no appetite. hungry like some insane person, but i just dun feel like eating.

the moment i rejected food, i realised, im really in trouble.

why didnt i say it from the minute you got my attention//

discipline

DISCIPLINE.

you hear that in school everyday. things about how we students should portray a good dunmanian image. what should dunmanians do. what should we practise. what cheng2 what xin4 what yong3 what zhong1.

in the past, i remember my first day in dunman high. i stepped out of my dad's car, and walked into dunman high. "hello! welcome to dunman high! but remember, next time dun wear this ear studs, dun bring sling bag, tuck in your shirt please and no ankle socks" from that moment, i knew im gonna change. i knew that dunman high will change my life. i will step out of my neighbourhood kid kinda attitude. but one thing for sure, i hate dunman high.

i was the only one from my primary school. i was all alone. first day of secondary life, yet so gloomy and boring. where are my friends? where are those friends who i play bball with everyday? whether rain or shine, be it before or after school, or even during recess. or maybe i should call them, my dear tk teammates. i vividly remember myself spending recess in dunman high all alone. i bought a cup of ice lemon tea, i walked one round, put back the cup, bought another cup of ice lemon tea, walked another round, put back the cup and bought another cup of ice lemon tea, and walked another round, and put back the cup again. that was my recess. everyone had their friends, and it was my first exposure to people from GOOD schools. i sucked at my english. how do i communicate with them? i dun know. they said dunman high is CHINESE. but why do i feel like im in an english school? well. of course, i hate dunman high even more.

but my life changed. i didnt know that i would be grateful to dunman high. i didnt know that dunman high had made an impact in my life. i didnt know that i already stopped hating dunman high.

3 years have passed. i guessed the effect on being a dunmanian is acting on me. discipline is the word. discipline should have been the way all the while. i shouldnt have neglected what teachers like mr kiw, mr lu used to say. actually, dicipline is very very important.

today, shujun said "i hate it when jiahui nag at me lo." that set me thinking. i've changed. i've actually changed. and come to many realisation. why did i neglect discipline in the past?

discipline. seems like a word for toot and guai kia. but i realised, im so wrong. so so wrong. discipline, or rather self discipline. is to train ourselves to battle other challenges in the future. in the future, many things need discipline. like when you go to work, you have to abide by the rules without people telling you so. if someone has to come and tell you, it obviously shows that this person has no self discipline, and if he/she has no discipline, will he/she be able to complete the proposal on time? without being distracted. so obviously, the next thing he/she gets is being sacked.

without discipline, you wont be punctual. if you're not a punctual person, obviously no one would engage you. if you give excuses like i slept late, obviously you're telling the boss that i cant work late into the night and get up early. and obviously these things happened due to lack of discipline.

without discipline, obviously you wont listen to anyone. you'll always think that you're right. always and always right. so you do things you like, but not wad the situation needs you to do.

an organisation without discipline.
workers slack as and when they like.
even the boss dun do anything about it.
obviously, the organisation will have to close down.

this is what i realised, what i learnt, after these years in dunman high.

i regret neglecting discipline. i regret giving in to my friends all the time. i regret not nagging more at them. i regret spoiling them.

we ourselves, have no discipline. wad rights do we have to make people listen to us? what rights do we have to lead them? what rights do we have to tell them off?

discipline is really very very important. im glad that dunman high had trained me to be more disciplined. they thought me that i cant always have wad i want, i have to sacrifice myself to get wad i want. i have to be able to listen to others, before i want others to listen to me.

thank you dunman high.

tired day

hello hello.

im damn tired today.it's like killing me la. during physics lab, i thought i was gonna die. im like STRESS. ARGH. it doesnt feel good to be stress! then had my last two period, which is geog. basically, im just trying to make myself feel ok. im damn tired lah. it feels like im sick or whatever. thus i decided to go home straight after school. since im so tired and i've got tuition.

but on the train, my tuition teacher had something on so it's cancelled. im so happy to know that cos i can slp after i go home. cos i feel really really uncomfortable. so well. i just woke up. still feeling very tired. haven had dinner but dun intend to have it since no appetite. YAWNZ.

_____________________________________________________________________

sometimes i just dun understand how people are able to change so fast. maybe you call that adaptations? i seriously dun understand how people change so much. now that im speechless, i guessed maybe im the one thats blind.

____________________________________________________________________

i hope my nose stops running! bye people!

it's been so long

well. haven been blogging for more than one month. seems like life for me has stabilize. right now. i revolve around studies and bball. that's all for me i guess :)

but then, i realised there's still golf. oh my. golf golf golf. i still hadnt got my PC. i intend to quit laguna's YGP anyway. cos im kinda busy. this is my big year. and im AMBITIOUS. im aiming big. so it's kinda normal for me to aim high high high.

many things have happened throughout the one month. cos im kinda traumatised and stuffs. will be like DAO and stuffs lo. emo or watever you call that. though i dun call that emo. it's just feeling sad cos everything accumulates and you feel like you're gonna fall.

but so far, i can still take it bah. like i said, im strong. and i will be strong. as usual and usual. i know there are ppl out there trying to cheer me up, and i also know that they will be reading this. but i would like to say: thanks. but i can manage on my own.

competitions are up. and we, as a team, will go against all odds together. we will cuz we believe. that's our faith. be it the ending is good or bad, we will stay strong as a team.

bdiv07, GO GO GO!! :)