The end, is really a new beginning.

probably because of the fact that it is late into the night (with my favourite canto song playing), it's a nice feeling, a relaxed feeling and i love to reflect. i think therefore i am, pretty apt for me. i can never imagine living through my life without thinking, and i swear, i'd be so much of a different person if i didnt think that much.

whenever i'm falling into something, i'll bring myself back again, think and reflect really hard, and create many of my new theories on many things, but it's good cuz i have my principles and i wont fall for anything easily. could you imagine me as a lost sheep doing everything everyone is doing and following the crowd? probably it also explains why im so square.
note: with sharp edges.

i've been wasting my life away, seriously, yes, wasted it away thinking about you and how it could have been, nope i never thought of making it better or to last, what i meant was, if only i had stick to my principles, and just stop everything from happening, things would definitely be great and i wouldnt have to live through these hell years having that heavy guilt that weighed me down, smashed my laughters and smiles.
Somehow, happiness got killed. MY happiness got killed.

but everything takes two hands to clap, why bother, why bother to feel so guilty on my side when you probably dont even care about your own life and continues to screw it up, so maybe i really think too much this time.

i admit, im stupid.

i wasted my whole june holidays thinking, thinking soooo much and i tell you, i was living in hell. i thought time could heal all wounds, i thought i could bounced back since everything has stopped. and the end was SUPPOSEDLY the start of a NEW beginning. i tried to begin, i tried to study, i tried to make myself work towards my goal, and i felt that i wasnt human anymore.

i lived in this condition for the whole month, and i was too tired to pack my bed and i slept on the floor, and continued the next day. on tuesday i couldnt remember what i did on monday. on wednesday i couldnt remember what i did on tuesday and it goes on. i wasnt living life, i was living a routine, that ends with tears every night. i was really asking myself, what's this life for?

and should i say that i was lucky, because i thought it through. just 3 days before CTs started, i threw everything out of my brain, i went for a run. oh my, i told myself, how long have i not seen the sky? do i still remember what the moon looks like? i saw human around me, they were so normal, yet so special. they were special because they wore smiles. simple pleasures of everyday life. how did i forget, how did it slipped my mind?

i went to take a seat at the exercise corner, i saw the faint image of the moon, it was so beautiful. the sky was so high. everything around me juz moved on with their lives. yet i stayed on the same spot, for so long. no wonder my legs hurt. no wonder my heart died. no wonder my brain jammed. no wonder i coudnt live and only thought of the end. im so small. who am i against the world? smaller than an ant. only i thought of my issues to be so big, it's nothing actually, and who cares, life still goes on, why did i make myself suffer so much. i was sucha fool.

and i got so enlightened, and im happier as the day goes on, truly happy. i couldnt believe i could have such a crazy time at sentosa, i practically went crazy and i didnt mind, how come, cuz i dont find myself that important anymore. there are some who told me to be more selfish, and i think, actually when i think about my woes, im actually too selfish to only think about my woes. so now, i'll let go of everything, it's not easy, but i finally did it, and im so touched by my realisation.

time wasted can never be retrieved back again, just let it be and make sure that the days ahead are worth those bad times wasted. and i'm totally not gonna blog anymore. i dont believe in the fact that friends can only know about each other's lives through blogs. we ourselves are giving technology the chance to evade the close knitted ties. it doesnt really matter whether your private blog are opened to your close friends or not, because not everyone has the time to use the computer, to read blogs and all. but rest assured, i do have the time to spend real quality time talking to friends. that's what communication and bonding is about isnt it. so what if you know about a person's life's ups and downs through their blogs? if you're one step slower than the other who reads the post, it means you juz dont get to talk about it cuz you wouldnt want your friend to repeat over and over again.

dear friends, i'll be here if you need me to. no matter what gets in my way, i'd come for you. i would also open up to you, that's true friendship. i dont wait for you to come and ask about my life after reading my blog, i'll share my woes with you when i do really need you. and if you want to know more about my life, do not turn to my blog, facebook and etc, just come to me and say "how;s life? good? feeling better?" you bet i will, definitely answer you with my utmost sincerity. yes, i would come for you, do anything for you, only if you let me to.

with this conclusion, yes this is my last post. i wont close this blog though, i wanna read it for memories sake. wont be blogging from today on, and let me greet friends who's gonna find me with my wide open arms, and the finally bubbly me.
ta-da!

L_________

oh yes, i remembered i promised somebody that i'll be mentioning his big name on my blog, yes, talking to you have been a great pleasure.

probably i need you to know, you have really been a very funny and calm friend, when you talk, the things you talk about are beyond me and sometimes i really dont know what you are talking about, but i could sense the theories that you're trying to prove, and i smiled.

truth be told, 90% of the time that im talking to you, i'm smiling non stop.

you're childlike, innocent, yet coupled with a tinge of maturity. in this self presumed complicated world, i cant find another one like you. everything you say, just has its sense of humour, and i hope you arent covering up any sadness, cuz i would want to be there just like how you're always there.

there are many scenes in movies that people are just a called away, but you're even better, you're real. in reality, things about you dont change and you are still a call away. and you always attempt to teach me to be happy. i could understand what you mean, the carefree, and relaxed, the happy lifestyle. i just pretend not to know, act blur sometimes might be good you know.

how about you and your fun talk about your brothers and brothers, that was very funny too.

im glad i got to know you all over again, and even happier to have you as my good friend.
this post is dedicated to you, to let you know that you are really greatly appreciated, and thanks for always being there, without fail.

all, from the bottom of my heart.
oh, and the sentence you wanted,
it's here.
(i dont have to spell it out, you know it.)

为什么又这样？

今天我害怕，我不敢哭。我一直忍，逞强，但是真的很累。我快要疯了，我受不了。我试过找个人来诉苦，我找不到。当我真真哭时，我最害怕的真相就呈现在我眼前。
其实我哭，并没人在乎。别说我没说，我说了，我哭出呻吟，没人管。我还是非得往厕所去，告诉自己:不是没人在乎，只是没人知道。
我知道我有时隐瞒了我的情绪，让人难以捉摸，但隐瞒了那么久，你要我如何说出口？我已习惯了用逞强来麻木自己。
你们知道在最脆弱时找不到任何人的痛苦吗？你们还想她说出口，不就证明了根本没人认真的去了解她。
到了这个地步，她还是回告诉自己:"明天会更好，只要人还活着，就有希望…"

Thanks for the Memories;

My sister's back from her graduation trip, so over dinner, my bro and sis were talking about their individual trips, and I was also at the UK university talk today, and somehow, I just felt like getting away for a while.

Probably, we're all too jaded.

Probably, we're all tired.

Probably, we all realised that we have no idea what are we fighting for.

Could life be better, somehow?

So I looked at the pictures of HC's dance night, pretty cool. But I couldnt find thumbdrives to transfer photos, zz. And, they look like they've enjoyed it so much, and yes, carefree (minus the stress from performing and practising and planning)

Mere dancing, is simply, happy.

So I looked at the BSP folder on my comp, and found these pictures, pretty nolstagic.

We did BSP cheer, those days.
Little did we wonder, how these 3d2n create these bonds.

That was then.

This is recent.

Where is now? Hopefully, the numbers dont decrease.

And talking about nolstagia, since my GP paper ended today, took some time to think about my JC years. Did it really felt like JC then? Did I grow wiser, or perhaps, grew much older?

Those days with you guys were great I swear, even though we had so little time together.
So little to speak of, and the same memories kept playing all over again in my head.

Little did we know, how little time we spared each other.

Could we have had more?

This, was really those happy moments (: and DHSSH Danzage coming up this saturday, hoping to relieve those memories again, pretty.

My classmates. This was what we felt during youth carnival. This was too what we felt after getting back PW results. Hopefully, this is what we would feel too, when the A's are over.
We want no lost sheeps, dont we?

But why.

What's wrong with being lost?

And yes, it was my pleasure to have met my PW group members, each of them, so unique on their own, and our strengths complement our weaknesses perfectly. Could still rememeber how I generated ideas using super simple language, and dearest yunjing and chenying helped to make it sound perfect, and xingxiang would always look through and give his funny comments and wanye would be constantly working on the video. I love y'all (:

Pertaining to the picture above, I'm not bullying chenying :P

11.58am. 2 minutes to 12pm submission deadline.

Lucky.

Do you hear me, talking to you, over the playground, and blk 641, under the bright blue sky.

Glad to have you as my kuai zi, chou gao lao and peng you!

NEIGHBOURRRRRR!

筷子汤圆，当然少不了人！

因为人用筷子吃汤圆！

Life always gets busier, even when we're over with what we initially had to do.

Could it be that we cant get enough?

I do agree I cant get enough of the super lame stuffs you crack about.

It cracks this hard nut here.

It's always comfortable with you around, talking to you, is already a blessing (:

Chill someday soon? hha, outright asking you out from here.

Definitely, not maybe.

I'm nothing without you guys.

Nothing beats having y'all there for me for 6 years.

Somehow, these felt like last words.

Nolstagia, always lead us to last words, but couldnt it be better, if we had told them how we felt in the past?

And these, perhaps, wont even exist.

The sweet lingering taste.

Makes one hard to quit,

thinking.

Back again?

Dance Night '09 BACK AGAIN at HCI Auditorium, was really good.
I see that fire burning in their eyes, every dance was a gift of gold, so, I guess, I really did become much richer after the show. And seriously, that 7 months of their planning was really worth it (: pictures are all in my sister's comp, when I can find something to transfer it over, I would upload them then.

Oh yes, I gotta mention that Jiahong totally made my day! The starting of the concert was a scene where they're in the cabin of a MRT. So they just walk and look around the audience pretending audience werent there, then we started waving to Jiahong and he kinda touch his throat, so I thought he was saying that he cant talk or respond to audience, but I looked closer, OMG HE'S WEARING THE NECKLACE THAT I PERSONALISED PERSONALLY FOR EVERY BSP FACIL, IT SAYS "BSP'08" ON ONE SIDE AND THEIR NAMES ON THE OTHER AND HE'S WEARING IT!!!!! HAHA, was super touched. CHAO GAN DONG.

Back to topic.
I envy them, and I admired them. It was a lot of hard work and sweat to make these events a success, and not only were the audience satisfied, even the dancers, their smiles and all, and I felt that this was the perfect win-win situation where the hard work of the dancers have gotten the praises of the audience and at the same time, the audience felt their passion and joy and simply got happier while watching them dance.

And, I see these dwindling sparks, getting bigger, close to fire.
Yes, the passion for dance.
I miss those days, somehow.
But definitely, I miss the hoops so much more.
And I am already waiting for A levels to end, so I could get back to training the juniors (:

Today wasnt a good day, cuz I was so tired.
I admit I do fall asleep in class, but it wasnt because I wasnt interested, it was because I am tired. I tried to stay awake, but I couldnt, cuz the caffeine from morning has worn off. And I do not want to depend on caffeine or anything. Apparently, I just couldnt stand how attitudes of some teachers could change so fast, and yes, superficial and shallow. It is understandable that there are human as well, but this profession, clearly constitutes TEACHING to a very large extent. I dont mean academic wise, but attitude too.

But, it's okay, because Im still telling myself to buck up, and I will work hard. And it's super super hard, and I really hope I can overcome this barrier of tiredness.

An avalanche of knowledge is coming my way.
Time to get ready for it.

Was pretty emotionless, and not in a mood to smile somehow, dont even have the energy to even talk enthusiastically, and thought of something.

有些人含泪而笑，也有些人因笑而累。
世界多多少少也无聊地让自己更复杂了。

The End is a Scary Place to Start;

It's pretty late, and time still keeps ticking, while I lingered for a moment.
The moment which the truth surfaces, and I've gone on a roller coaster ride of the epitome of all my emotions. Perhaps, I'm tasting real life now, that mixture of ingredients, cooked a meal of realisation, a meal of inspiration and a meal of disappointment. I've been having these 3 meals a day, and I dont wish to eat from the same place anymore.

Meal of Realisation:
People live, people die, things exist, things dont exist, comparing it to the world, every single is just so small, so small. Only our minds make it big. It's gone, it's over, it's the end, and people have to live life the way they used to live, and just keep going on and on. It's just a small setback afterall. And time waits for noone. Yet, there's still so much to do.

Meal of Inspiration:
My only way to overcome everything is to hang on, and keep moving on. The end is always a start to a new beginning, even though, it's kinda scary to start from the end. Starting from nothing. Nothing in my head. Nothing in my heart. Nothing in my mind. Nothing in my soul. I'm just a dead body waiting to be reincarnated. When I do, I'll make sure life is beautiful, for me and for everyone, especially you guys, the twelve of us, will walk through this together, as a team no matter what.

Meal of Disappointment:
It wasnt really an end to start with. It's an end with threads of mess dangling around me. Tried to pull them away but they are like webs, the more I pull, the more I get trapped in them. Was hoping for help to come along, but couldnt see anyone in sight. It was another slap in the face, to tell myself that, I gotta do it on my own. Why, does this keep happening. But I still have to live on. No matter how much I would like to press the restart button, I just gotta hang on and live on, cuz every single day that came, I would like to see if my life got better, if it ends, I'll never know if it could get better. But of course, failed attempts day aft day, just brings me down.

This gush of overwhelmed feelings, I dont know when they'll go away. Maybe after A lvls? Will I survive till then? I think about the grasslands I would wish to see, the beautiful seasons I'll be anticipating, perhaps they were never meant for me cuz I cant see emotions, memories, love there. Actually, what do I want. After today, I find myself hoping for the greatness of friendships to sail me away from melancholy, but, did those ships sink on their way to save me...

It remains as a mystery, locked up in the heavy heart of mine.
And yes, I threw the key away.

i have no idea what's going on in my head, that I no longer know how to stop crying, stop feeling or rather, stop thinking. it's churning in my head, over and over again, keeps playing over and over again. it's just feels..

i dont know, i dont think, i'm even in the mood to blog it out..

Anyone lived in a Pretty How Town

2 days in a roll, confirmed the struggle I had in my mind all these years.
Faced the truth that I ran away from,
now, at a loss to my plans.

Last year, I figured out that one had too many choices. The choice between freedom and responsibilities, and rights and duties, how could I do what I should and would do. How could I face myself, as I see myself drowning in my shadows. It's an empty shell, no, it's a confusion, based on nothing, yes, which leaves an empty shell, no.

I was torn apart between what I should do and what I would like to do, and I knew I'm doing what I should do and it couldnt bring me up any higher, nor do I feel the happiness blooming in Spring. Winter came, and there's no news, of the happiness that I looked for. Spring has come again, yet nothing bloom, and now the fallen leaves, might be my doom.

I grown up to think that I want to be someone, to be somebody, not nobody, nor anybody. But I ended up being nothing, without a body. I'm formless, filling any shapes, any mould, anything I was told. Then nobody seemed so useless, and I thought, I dont wanna be nobody. But deep in my heart, I just want to be nobody, and I want to be a nobody that could make everybody happy. Then I realised, nobody cared whether this nobody could make anybody, somebody or everybody happy. And nobody stayed as nobody, as nobody cared for nobody.

Love and dreams cannot co-exist. Nobody chose love, but force themselves to be somebody, hence tried chasing their dreams. In the end, their mind couldnt follow their dreams cuz their heart was trapped in love, and they ended nowhere, and reached this state of confusion: where am I? what am I? what should I do?

I cried, because I know what I should do but I couldnt do it. I know that if I continue walking, I would lose myself. But, I need to pursue my dreams, even though I know I would choose love, because it was only rational that dreams are bigger than love at this stage. I dreamt of my happy days ahead, what's life without love, but then I realised, I dont deserve it and I cant carry it with me. Love, is something that I could only leave behind, not something I could carry at the same time, at least, for now.

And yes, I could be back on my feet, anytime and any moment, and already am, but that doesnt mean I'm living a fruitful life. My only wish was to be able to be there for my friends who need me, and then I realised, nobody needed me even though I cared for nobody, because no one wants to be nobody.

I urged, all of you, to follow your heart, that's the key to a fruitful life. Why fulfil Status Quo when it always keeps changing? Who are you trying to please? And, do society care?

Somebody and everybody forget that love exists, and forget how to love and how to live which causes them to live this life of going through the motions and becoming this loveless, lifeless society. And anyone and nobody leads a fruitful life, with love and passion for life, overcoming the lifeless society.