Butterfly

Our baby girl is 7 1/2  months old.  I have been back to work since mid-January which has made it very difficult to keep up with posting. 

I've been keeping up with all of the blogs I follow, and have even started reading a few more, but I just didn't know what to say on my own.   That was until yesterday. 

This July it will be 2 years since we lost our little girl to SLOS.   I remember sitting at the park in our subdivision with my husband only days after her death.  My arms were empty and my chest was throbbing, because her milk came in the night before.  I was so angry that my body was so ready to care for her, but she was no longer with us.

It was such a beautiful sunny day, and I remember thinking that it was too bright and sunny.  I was mourning, and would have felt more at ease with dark and dreary.  I sat on the swing, and just swung, feeling hopeless and lost in my thoughts.  I just remember being so uncertain of what I was supposed to do next, and angry that it was so sunny.  I am not sure how long I spent swinging, but once I looked up, my husband was still fishing, and there were several beautiful butterflies along the shoreline. 

Ever since that day at the park, whenever I see a butterfly I know my baby girl is checking in, and letting us know she is still with us.  Yesterday the most curious beautiful little yellow butterfly landed on Lillian's hand, and stayed for awhile. 

 

A Message

My maternity leave is coming close to an end, so I find myself trying to take in every moment that I can with Lillian. She has grown so fast and is changing everyday, it is so hard for me to imagine me spending my days without her. In an ideal world, I would get to do just that, but instead I have to return to work on January 17th.

She is 6 weeks old, and already I cannot imagine my life without her, but I also still find it amazing that I am lucky enough to get to be her mother. Actually, I feel so very lucky to be a mother to two amazing girls. I am excited to share Faith's memory with Lillian, when she is old enough to understand.

When we lost Faith I was often told that everything happens for a reason. I usually am a big believer in this, but when your grief is so strong it just doesn't make sense that there is a reason for the incredible heartache. A year and a half has passed, my grief has lessened, and as I look into the eyes of my beautiful healthy little girl, I now know why our little Faith's time on this earth was so short. She was meant to deliver us a very important message, and without this message we wouldn't have Lillian.

Faith continues to be a guardian angel over our family, and has blessed us all with the opportunity to have healthy children. I am eternally grateful for her, and feel so very blessed to be her mother.