am currently helping out at the singapore red cross society (thanks to ah hock for providing me with the opportunity)...do come over to visit me (riiite...haha) and to make a donation in aid of the victims of tidal wave 2004...any amount will be greatly appreciated...

the singapore red cross society is situated at 15 penang lane...just behind parkmall...ah hock and i and the rest of the money-counting, receipt-writing volunteers will be there from 9am to 2pm daily...errr well that's the 'official' shift we're on...we stayed till 5pm today...haha hopefully minmin will join us tomorrow (and we'll try not to stay on so late haha)!!!

but yeah..other ways of making monetary donations include phoning, sms-ing, and going onto the dbs website...for any other enquiries...don't hesistate to drop me a line...

meanwhile, have a very happy new year folks!!! hello 2005!!!

in memory of all those who perished so tragically in tidal wave asia 2004...

such an epic event...and it happened so suddenly that it caught everyone by surprise...the images of the huge waves, the tons of water rushing onto beaches and gushing into hotels, and those of destroyed properties...rapidly replaced by images of those who have been affected by this tragedy...

rows upon endless rows of the dead - bloated, rotting, stiff...the thousands injured - horrible slashes marring their bodies...the distress of those still living - breaking down at the sight of the body of a loved one, hope slowly turning into despair for those frantically searching for the missing...the thousands of little children who lost their lives, family members, and homes...

why weren't we forewarned? with the technology of today allowing us time to flee from volcano eruptions and earthquakes, i'd naively thought that all areas have been covered and such natural disasters won't strike in such a major way.

the close of the year brings yet another humbling reminder of the fragility of life and our vulnerability when faced with the larger forces in this world...

our mourning continues.

silent moments spent
just gazing at your face.
looking helplessly
as your jaw tightens.
seeing the mask shield
the pain and the hurt.
pulling a cover
over your internal distress.

all i can do
is pull you in for a hug.
soothe you with my hands
and comfort when i can.
my ears hear your pleas
my heart feels what you do not say.
i want to kiss
all that pain away.

my wounded soldier
i'm here for you.

it was good to see my babes last night...your hugs and company made me feel the genuine warmth and love that is sometimes so sorely lacking in this world...

i'm really sorry that i wasn't able to make any contributions to the gathering...but i'm glad i managed to pop by...and i'm glad i got to wish everyone a merry christmas...

thank you to loon for your wonderful house...
thank you to the food providers for feeding me...
thank you to ang for surprising me with such a wonderful present (new & improved DIVA super sensitive body detergent (high maintenance formula) - very apt for super sensitive me!)...
thank you all for the laughs...

thank you to my babes, for just being there...

i'm having a quiet chrismas filled with love...it's like a return to old times...and i hope it'll never end......

one thing that made me sad however, was what i witnessed on christmas day itself...a gathering of friends, and yet, i've never seen a group so divided...how can friends treat each other in such a way? how can they just walk out without a word? when nothing has been worked out, nothing said, nothing understood...it takes two people to make a friendship work, and it's sad when only one is making the effort and the other doesn't even seem to care...

actions and words, all so fake and so pretentious...so very disappointing...so very hurtful...

HOHOHO MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!!

*jiggles tummy, tugs beard, ring-a-lings a bell*

haha i've caught abit of the festive bug and i hope everyone else is feeling at least a little bit jollier this season...there're always things to be thankful for, always things to be happy about...and it's nice to be enveloped in the good, happy energy these little and big things bring...

i'm feeling the love and i'm lovin' it!!! *beam*

moomoo eat grass...i eat moomoo (@ great ocean road)

the photo everyone must take when they go to sassafras (dandenongs) haha

me as a bah-zhang...

"you can love someone, without reservation or fanfare, just love them, without expecting anything in return and, sometimes, it would be enough"

2nd report from MELBOURNE!!!!!! hiakhiakhiak

it's a sunny 24 degrees here today (WOOHOOOOO *does a backflip...then falls flat on my butt*) ... flies are a-buzzing, wind a-blowing, dust making me er... a-sneezing??? haha

am in uni for what will probably be the last time for a longlong while...i will miss sitting here in rowden white library, typing away...will miss walking on the lawns...miss the old and new buildings that make up my campus...miss the crowds in union house...miss getting 'skinny mocha' from plush fish...miss walking into class (late)...i'll even miss paying exhorbitant prices for my education... *bawls*

it is official...i am a GRADUATE *shudder* haha had my graduation ceremony on wednesday...old fashioned ceremony, complete with me looking like a bah zhang in the gown...feel cheated though, coz i didn't get to wear a mortar board...or what they call, a TRENCHER (!!!)...coz trenchers are only for those who are getting their MASTERS...undergrads only get to wear the gown..how unfair is that?!?!?! almost makes me want to stay here for another year to do my postgrad just so i can wear that trencher...ALMOST...haha

the doctorate grads get to wear BONNETS hahaha it's quite funny-looking...but prestigious i guess...and they get to sit on stage with the chancellor and all...

it's so cute the way the big-wigs walk down the aisle to take their places on stage...no one can sit before the chancellor sits..and there's alot of bonnet-tipping going around coz it's their way of greeting each other...and everytime someone goes to the mike and says "chancellor", they have to tip their bonnets to the chancellor, and the chancellor has to tip his bonnet to them...haha all very quaint...gives the entire ceremony a very traditional feel...

damn i didn't have a bonnet or a trencher to get into the tipping action... ~

but it was all in all a very lovely ceremony...felt kinda proud to be sitting there...even though it's just a lala bachelor degree that i'm getting...haha an associate professor gave a speech...and tied it in to her field of studies - medieval history...talked about how some perceive the uni as an "ivory tower"..and how some see everyone within the university as so far removed from the "real world"...quite an interesting speech...

and i feel so blessed to have some of the guys come down specially to take photos with me and to congratulate me for finally making it to this end of the education system...makes me feel like my time here has been even more fulfilling coz i've made such wonderful friends... *beam*

but i miss my gracie...melbourne isn't the same without you...you who have stood by me throughout these 3 years...you who have suffered whenever i was being a pain in the ass...you with whom i have had so many wonderful wonderful times...

i miss our apartment....went past it a few times...and all i could do was gaze up and wish we're still living there..

was walking down chapel street yesterday, and i thought back on how the 2 of us would stroll down chapel gaily, poppnig into the shops, trying on tons of clothes, and buying the most expensive ones...haha *muackz* i love you babe... =)

walking down chapel with my mum and sis wasn't quite so good an experience...coz my mum doesn't want to spend money....and my sis and i had a horrid time diverting our eyes from the manymany gorgeous things on display...i can't believe i've been here for almost 10 days..and i haven't bought a single thing......oh sorrows......haha

ah well....at least i got to eat..haha dessert house (TWICE!), tiamo, stokers, lamb on chapel, gelati (TWICE! going to be THRICE! haha), boba, grecko (TWICE!) don don, mekong, tonkatsu mee, indomie... ... *smack lips* i look like a fishball once again...haha

ahh but i've been exercising! haha not enough to burn off all that i've consumed, but i've gone for baddy 3 times this week, including a competition last night...am aching so bad, even my bones are sore..haha punishment for not exercising for so long!!!

newayz...last 2 days in melbourne, before i make my way over to sydney to pester bigben for 4 days...then it's back to singapore i go!!! shall hurry and get outa this library, go grab some food at YING THAI 2 (hehz), then get underwear at myers *nudge gracie* haha and maybe i will go to crown for one last time tonight...haha i won $25 on monday when i went with glenn, ah lou and gerald...wootwoot! roulette has yet to let me down..haha

time to get off my butt...see you all back in singapore!!! jap chrissy party on 26dec!!!!!!!!!!!!!

zenn...OUT! =)

greetings from....*drumroll* MELBOURNE!!!!!!!!!!!!

wootwoot!!! *wave wave*

it's cold today...have been raining quite abit over here...though there have been sunny patches and the weather looks to be getting warmer as we head towards the end of the week (do i sound like a weathergirl or what!?)

haha melbourne's the same as ever...it's only when i stepped onto melbourne soil that i realized just how much i've missed this place...mum, fawn and i are staying at somerset on elizabeth..this serviced apartment that's nice and cosy...not to mention it's right smack in the middle of the city (on elizabeth street between la trobe and bourke)...

there's been changes since i was last here...new buildings, major constructions etc...the new GPO houses a ben sherman boutique that currently has the caricature heads of prince charles, camilla parker bowles, prince william and gang attached to their window display models...it's quite a laugh to see the head of the QUEEN attached to the young, supple plastic body of a model with gorgeous legs...haha

melbourne central's all made up and construction has completed...it now houses some of the top brands and is like this one-stop shopping complex...haven't bought anything though..mum's holding the purse strings pretty tight..i haven't even ventured into my favourite MOLLINI'S!!!

shopping aside...i drove (yes ME! I DROVE!!!) more than 1400km in 3 days MUAHAHA we rented a camry and were typical tourists...drove down great ocean road...almost fell asleep at the wheel on the highway back to the city!!! i was SO tired after being on the roads for about 16hours! just closed my eyes and next thing i knew it, my mum OEI-ed me and when i opened my eyes, my car had drifted half into the right lane...it's a good thing there wasn't a car *phew*

went to the dandenongs the next day..followed by phillip island that night..the trees are all still standing magnificently, miss marples still have shiok scones (mmmmm CRREEEEAAAAMMMMM *nudge nudge fengmin & gracie & netty*), and those cute little penguins are still waddling about...

i'm carless again, after that road trip...and it's prob a good thing coz it's hell looking for parking in the city...but i'm like this tour guide without a tour bus and i keep having to rack my head to think up of places to bring mum and fawn...bleahz...

left them to the mercy of the city yesterday and went to play baddy in uni! woohoo! haha haven't held a racket since my last training session here before i left melbourne in august...thank goodness i can still play...somewhat...haha got tired SO SOON though...that's how unfit i am right now..but it's so good to see everyone and to exercise again...

gonna meet up with genie later on tonight...and maybe glenn will come too even though he hasn't replied to my sms and his parents are here....i think we shall go for STEAKS at TIAMO!!! woot woot!!! hahaha

erratic weather, gorgeous sprawling lands, crazy people....ahhhhh i love melbourne......

wish i can import all my friends over from singapore...ahh won't it be great if we have a melbourne trip together?!?! it'll be like KL trip!!! except.....er....u think we can matrixcon from singapore to melbourne? hiakhiak miss all of you in singapore...hope the KL dudes had a fantastic time on their trip...i'll be back on 22dec...just in time for CHRISTMAS!!!

i wish you'd show more concern
i wish you'd show more affection
i wish you'd actually love me

for me

this year has been an eventful one that has opened my eyes to many things about myself and the people around me.

in the quest to learn more about myself and to understand what exactly is going on with me, i've seen that i am weak, overly emotional and way too sensitive about things.

i do not have the strong will to make a definite decision on the direction certain things should take...i do not have the courage to change a course...i do not have the strength to start afresh...

i procrastinate and i hope that things work out by themselves...i hope that what i say and what i do spontaneously can help me decide where i go...but it doesn't work that way does it? coz my mind and heart are weak and my thoughts and feelings often contradict...sometimes i don't know which one to listen to...sometimes i allow one or the other to lead the way, then they switch roles in the midst, and i am left all the more confused and dejected...

sometimes i feel lonely, and i know that the only person to be blamed for being in the shits is myself...coz even if i attempt to start on something anew...i may not have the courage to follow it through...certain setbacks hurt me alot...and sometimes it is difficult to get out of a hellhole without a helping hand...other times, i feel i just refuse that hand, and, for some reason or other, i choose to continue wallowing in the dark...

i am afraid of losing what i have...or what i think i have...i am afraid of losing what i can have...but perhaps this fear, is making me an even greater loser...

sometimes i feel that i should just stay in my little cocoon and not come out...so i won't hurt anyone...and i won't get hurt

but if i do that...i guess i will never learn......

i'm falling...

falling in so quickly...

falling in so deeply......

i just reformatted my lappie and now it's as good as new!!! woooohoooooooooo!!!!!!

no more snail-speed...
no more icky porno pop-ups...
no more error messages...
no more no more no more!!!!!!

all thanks to my dear eeby *big grin*

i love taufik's singing
i like the 'i dream' song

someone PLEASE knock that perpetual smile off irritating-jerry's face

oh man i'm a singapore idolee......

home, home on derange

where the dear and the frontal lobes play...

silence
nothingness
spending the whole day
waiting

w a i t i n g

eyes closed to reality
dams collapsing
going to bed
empty

on a much less chickee note...i read the "rape of nanking" and "the life of david gale" too...not today, but over the past few days...

rape of nanking made me cringe...the descriptions of how the chinese were treated were so painful...

the senseless killings - imagine digging your own grave, being lined up with hundreds of other men, watching the row in front of you being beheaded, and burying the dead..all the while knowing that you will be next

the sick, cruel rape of innocent women - from 8-year-old little girls to grannies the age of 80...gang-raped, mutilated, having all sorts of weird things stuck up their vaginas, tortured beyond belief before being killed...

it was all so heart-wrenching that it made me cry...xiang gave me a weird look when he looked up briefly from his notes and said, "don't read it if it's so painful"...


the life of david gale tells of an anti-death-penalty activist (professor david gale) who sits on death row, awaiting execution by lethal injection...he'd been charged with and convicted of rape and murder of a fellow activist...

the professor contacted an investigative reporter and, over the last 3 days of his life, tells her his side of the story...the reporter raced against time to save him as she is convinced that he isn't guilty...what follows are the unearthing of the events that led up to the woman's suicide and the wrongful killing of a man...both showing that the death penalty carries with it the undue risk of murdering innocent people, and that legal execution should be stopped...

how can human beings treat each other so cruelly?

spent a quiet day at home today...continuing my anti-social behaviour...

have been reading quite alot these few days...find that books allow me to lose the real world, and enter a more 'steady & complete' realm - one with a beginning, a middle and a definite end...

curled up in bed to "running away from richard" today...by chris manby...about this struggling actress-wannabe (lizzie) whose artist boyfriend dumped her suddenly for a model...she leaves London for LA, and finds herself sharing a cockroach-infested house with an ex-housemate - who's exploring his more feminine side - and another struggling actress.

anyhows...the heartbroken lizzie (looks abit like lizard when typed this way) ends up:

- working as a waitress in a transvestite bar
- she impresses a director when she squeezes the balls of his asshole friend (who grabbed lizzie's breasts)
- the director offers her money to be his girlfriend for the day (he's gay, he has a bloody rich mum who doesn't want to know that he's gay)
- a day turned into a few weeks when his mum manipulated him into proposing to lizzie
- lizzie meets a dishy doctor
- director's mum forces them to marry by lying that she has cancer & will die anytime soon
- dishy doctor saves the day at lizzie's wedding by making a huge commotion and saying that it's all a cover-up (lizzie doesn't love dirrector, director loves his gay personal assistant, mummy isn't dying)
- lizzie returns to london
- lizzie goes to new york for a friend's wedding
- dishy doctor turns out to be friend's new wife's cousin
- happily ever after

it seems like there were alot going on in the story, now that i'm typing a summary of the plot down...well, it's a pretty thick book...but yah..kept me entertained for the better part of today...chickee books rule! haha

i don't want to just be your study-helper
or the one you turn to only when there's noone else around

i don't want to just be your back-up plan
or the one you go to only when something's wrong

i don't want to just be your alarm clock
or the one you call only when you are bored

you say that i've changed -
that i want more now

i think it's just
that i say what i feel more now

i don't want to be some toilet paper
you can use and then throw down the bowl

i want to be more than that to you
much much more

we all die alone

it's the living alone that's hard

i don't need expensive gifts,
i don't need you to be with me 24-7,

but i need to know that you care.

i need to know that i can run to you when i need help
that you will be there to comfort me when things aren't right
that you will hug me tight till the storm passes over.

i need to know that i am not alone in the dark.

live icons of orchard road

uncle b-lost
there always seems to be this blind man with his cane, and bags of tissue paper(?) in the hyatt/tangs area...the last time i saw him, he was sitting on the ground, in the middle of the driveway leading to the carpark..cars zooming past in front of and behind him...and he's just THERE sitting in a little heap, his cane sticking out like an antenna...it was scary..i didn't know what to do..and it's 10+ at night...

before this incident, i saw him standing by the busy road outside hyatt...his cane stuck out, his bags beside him...he looked like he's either gonna cross the road (which would be a feat even for the sighted! i mean, try crossing SCOTTS ROAD, traffic-light-less?!?!), or he's trying to hail a cab...

i was just gonna go to him to find out what he's trying to do, when i saw a BRIX bouncer walk down to help him...uncle b-lost was helped into a cab......

DJ blind
coined DJ blind by gracie (or was it ah lou?), he is a fixture at the orchard underpass...there are supposedly two of them - twin brothers...the singing sensations play a multitude of instruments simultaneously and sings tunes (peppered with "thank you" and the tinkle of coins-against-coins) that liven the otherwise gloomy underpass..gong xi gong xi during the CNY period, jingle bells for christmas, DJ blind never fails to remind us of upcoming "special occasions"...

orchard underpass will never be the same without him/them.


i think dick lee just walked past my desk, in a bright red and dark blue flower-petally shirt..hmmm

3 AC students just walked into Hyatt, triggering a flashflood of images in my mind...

it's quite cute that they are all wearing the (kinda) new t-shirts with ACJC in blocks on the front...one in red, one in blue and one in gold...very err colour-coordinated..

it has been 4, coming to 5, years since i left AC (man, has it been THAT long?!?!?!)...the 2 glorious years of fun, laughter, silliness, sorrows and tears...

i miss AA2
i miss the AA2 cabin with zhenzhufu's footprint on the ceiling
i miss the void deck and the airy area where we sat at
i miss baddy
i miss the sports com and the bright yellow towels
i miss council
i miss the dusty council room, & the lizard corpse in my SA room
i miss the colourful characters in school
i miss going for chapel on monday mornings
i miss singing the AC anthemn
i miss the cheering at swim and rugby finals
i miss AC

hmmm nostalgia......

...

...

"then who does?"

"your mum"

"and?"

"your dad"

"and?"

"me"

(",)

are policemen allowed to use their phones when they're working?

there's a policeman on guard in front of me right now (not guarding me, but providing SOME security for the hotel since we have bigwigs at this event)...i just saw him type an sms...head bowed, eyes fixed on his mobile's screen, fingers busily typing away...he even walked a mini circle, slowly...

and while he's doing that......

a thief could have run past and he wouldn't have noticed...a murderer could have stabbed his victim and ripped his/her guts out without being seen...a terrorist could have fixed a bomb under the car parked right outside the hotel...

hmmm scary shit..i'm hoping he's not the only policeman around...i don't wana DIE...yet... *looks around anxiously*

OH NO the policeman just disappeared!!!!!! *cranes neck* oh...hehz..he just walked behind a pillar...=/ the pillars here are big and fat..but boy is he a skinny policeman...as skinny as the skinny girl walking past the hotel entrance right now..no doubt heading to far east plaza for some hardcore shopping...... *jealous*

am manning the transportation desk now (at hotel lobby), so my colleague can go upstairs to makan...he saved me from being stuck in the secretariat

a couple of cute american guys just walked past my table...looked like basketballers......

a taitai with a VERY nice bag is walking up the stairs to mezza9 (for TEA...CHAMPAGNE TEA?!??!)...those same steps fiona xie trod on when she waltzed in last night...i must admit she's attractive in the pixie-faced, big-boobed kinda way...but hell, she can't act for nuts...

*reminded of tian's BOOBY XIE entry* wahahahahaha

i wonder how many times the hotel cleaners have to wipe the glass doors and walls...

i'm thirsty......and bored......but at least i can people-watch here

b o r e d o m

came in for work @ 7am today...bleary-eyed, achy brains, whole body in snooze mode...2hours of sleep each day is NOT enough...even coffee is but a mild comfort & temporary jolt of life...

it wouldn't be so bad if i actually had work to do...but all i did was read the papers, one ear itching from the earpiece of the walkie...it is such a waste of time!!!

major activity of the day: EATING.

hello?!?!? i'm fat enough!!! old chang kee from next door (i'm working on a 3-day event at the Grand Hyatt), hotel breakfast, i even eat the yucky packet food the hotel provides us (from the staff kitchen)...urgh

i need help. i need to get out of here. i need to work.

it is such a waste of resources, having me and this other part-timer (STUART little) in the secretariat...we spend the whole day doodling, chatting and asking anyone who walks by: "do you have anything for us to do???" coz we're bored outa our wits...and the reply is always negative...

if you don't have anything for us to work on, WHY HIRE US?!?!

i'm not complaining about the money (hell NO!), but it is so unsatisfying getting paid just for sitting around and feeling useless.

i can think of a million other more constructive things to do.

argh

and i know, i just know, that the work will gush in LATER...in the evening/night...when the others realize "oh we can't do everything ourselves" or when they have finally consolidated their thoughts enough to let us know "the things that have to be RUSHED"...

then we'll have to work late into the night

just like yesterday

always go to the loo before a cab ride

always go for the merc cab instead of settling for the silvercab with the crazy cabbie

tian & chua - thank god we all got home in one piece (ok errrr...three pieces)......

steamboat @ tian's last nite......

man, i ate so much i thought i was gonna explode...give 3 girls the power to shop (big mistake, ian wahaha) and you'll end up with shitloads of food...and a yummy steamboat dinner (with plenty leftover for tian's next meal)...

- chua had to lie down on tian's floor after the meal
- dave,nig & chua laughed themselves silly on 'lei MOU chin'
- mike 'the chef' peppered everyone's noses (mmm shiok beef & prawns)
- deb is queen of mushroom-cooking
- gracie shared alot of love (and meatballs)
- clever minmin & netty sat at the tomyam side, quietly savouring their food
- lavi and helly were the prawn-peeling maria & maritess
- i failed to get des to peel prawns for me - he only does it for tian haha
- gracie & i tried out the shaky trampoline - together
- tian had to mop the floor
- the sound system shattered a lightbulb

kudos to tian-the-hostess and ian-the-planner...it was all very nice & domesticated...everyone preparing food, cooking, eating, cleaning up, washing dishes, mopping/sweeping floors and blotting faces (compliments of gracie, who even provided mobile-dustbin services)...

i went for sasha with a cow in my tummy

armin van buuren is G O D and i am still burning with desire...*swoon*

mum & dad got me the larger cake, which is YUM! fawn got me the smaller cake..which she made with PAPER and a plastic container!!! wahaha

happy birthday to us!

me& the funky bdae bbq hostess =)

hmmm wonder who sat on her cake......

singing sensation #1

singing sensation #2

singing senstaion #3

"happy birthday my dear one..."

my babes celebrating my bdae wif me...thank u so much!!!!!!!

i turned 22 in a KBOX BOX......

haha me who can't sing for nuts...spent the early hours of my birthday in a ktv room..how weird's that!?

but i had so much fun and i was happy...all thanks to my babes and everyone who was there and made the night especially special...

not to mention the fact that i had TWO cakes (which makes me 44years old)...and the gang sang a gregarious KBOX rendition of happy birthday...singing along to the words on the tv screen...lyrics that i'v never heard of before...and that went on and on and on...haha it's hilarious..

i nearly cried...

and i sat on a slice of cake...wahaha only a klutz like me is capable of such a thing arhaha couldn't quit laughing...especially when gracie ATE the flattened cake...waste not!

bbq the night before, in honour of xiang's bdae, went well too...with an abundance of food and a huge choc cake compliments of tristan...

it's so lovely being back in singapore...

my last birthday was spent in melbourne..no doubt my melb friends're great company and much cheer, but i missed home so much..esp after receiving a huge cake my mum ordered and got delivered to me...

this 9 of november...i had the company of my closest friends, i spent the day with the one i love, and i had an awesome dinner and a scrumptious cake with my family...

3 fun days, 2 birthdays, 1 happyhappy zenn

this is for hyper dyper "say-my-name"

HELLY!!!!!!!

who gave us that wonderful rendition of bkk bridge is falling down......

in the words of tian : BUSH IS A FUCKING ASS

anyone who is FOR the war is an ass...how can anyone risk and forsake so many innocent lives?! i'm not a very politicky person, but i hate it that those in power can decide who dies...just because they can.

shouldn't they know by now that wars will only cause harm?it's not for betterment, it's no solution to any problems...haven't they learnt anything from the history books?!

that said, bush still gets a second term, despite all the bloopers he's made..maybe he rigged it..or maybe the people have decided to give him a chance to make amends...

let's just hope that he doesn't make things worse.

muahaha gracie is my RIVAL & up&coming event organizer!!! wah, so hiphop, first event already a high class act at fullerton - I WANT!!!

you get luxurious suite, i get fallen bridge - NOT FAIR! haha

i have no need to defend myself
or to give any explanations
except to those who are involved

i feel, i write
this is my blog
and i bear full responsibility for my words

i am not perfect
i don't expect perfection
i don't think there's ever such a thing

maybe you all see the big picture
maybe i am myopic
maybe we're just looking at different drawings

i appreciate your words
i accept, discard or ponder
i respect your views

try to respect mine too

SPECIALLY FOR MY DEAR TAZZY,

GABRIEL CHEAH

your name's on my blog!!! haha

yesterday night was damn drama mama

we'd this cruise planned for the casual dinner...got everyone on board this gorgeous ship - airy upper deck with tables&chairs, tidbits&drinks aplenty..the guests got to try out this wine from Thailand's first vineyard (or so they claim)...didn't get to take a sip though...

the lower deck had a lovely air-conditioned room with 7 stations providing foot and neck and shoulders massage...alot of the guests took up the 10-minute massage offer and there're big grins and thumbs up from those who enjoyed the soothing touch of the therapists...

the 75-minute cruise ride took about 95minutes instead though...and while some guests got impatient, most were still in good cheer, especially when they started karaoke-ing (must be the drinks)! i was glad too..coz the delay meant i had time to squeeze in a foot massage...woooohoooooo after a long day running around in heels, the foot massage made me feel like i was walking on air...

we finally got to the pier and everyone's ready to hop off once the ship docked, when there was

a SPLASH

OH NO did someone fall in!??!?! everyone peered over the rails to see what had happened..

turns out the bridge had collapsed...BANGKOK BRIDGE HAS FALLEN DOWN...*help*

it's this little wooden bridge that links land to a floaty block that the ship's to be attached to..and it's the ONLY way we could get to land, sans going for a swim....the bridge somehow lost it's footing on the floaty bit...and half of it splashed down into the water...

goodness...it's every event organiser's nightmare...unforseen circumstances that you can do absolutely NOTHING about...except pray..

the restaurant and pier staff got to work immediately..somehow, about 8 of them managed to get onto the floaty bit (i think they went for a swim in the yellow, icky chao phraya river..eww)..there's alot of rope-tying and heaving..and it took about half an hour of pushing this and pulling that before they managed to heave to bloody bridge back onto the floaty bit, and secure it with loads of rope...the ship took another 10minutes to maneuver itself into a parked position..

most of the guests remained jolly and said this was the best live entertainment they've had so far *phew* but of course you got the annoyed ones who was grumbling and showing black faces...grrr

there's alot of joking around on who should try the bridge out first haha but finally, in single file, all the guests managed to get off the ship without any mishaps..

DINNER TIME!!!!!!

food was yum...especially this very interesting mushroom soup with coconut milk...but we're all doing damage control, and didn't have much time to eat...

yes..damage control...while the guests were enjoying their food in the sprawling lawns of SUAN TIP (supposedly one of the best restaurants in thailand), we made hurried calls back to the hotel for my 3 colleagues who stayed behind, to churn out personalized letters to apologize for the "trauma" caused...our client actually cried coz she's so stressed... =/

of the 200 event guests, we had to weed out the names of the 90 who actually went for the casual dinner, and room drop personalized letters and a gift (a bottle of wine or a box of hand-made chocs if they're muslim)...all these had to be done in a couple of hours..so that they will have the gifts in their rooms once they get back to the hotel

it was a frenzy...

but all's good and done...*phew* the rest of the night after we got back from dinner (at midnight) was spent churning out personalized departure and recreational activity letters...*sighz* i'll be so glad when this is over......

i wana go shopping!!!!!!

those were just especially fishy prawn roe ok...you should try the not-so-fishy-smelling ones! mmm yuuuummmmmmmmm

ahhhhhh taaaaaaannnnn!!!!!!!!!!!! oh man oh man!!!!!!!!!! how've you been?!?! BANGKOK's the city of angels...i don't know why though..haven't seen many angels around......

i sit here and i think of how great it'd be if my friends're here to explore this city of angels with me..

a postcard from the freezing conference room in sweltering bangkok......

it's been a pretty good couple of days here..preparation for the event seems to be going well..and i'm having much more fun than when i had in bali...just completed putting 400 gift packs together...this meant:

• folding the boxes from scratch (3 parts - the bottom, the lid and the middle part to hold the items in place)
• cutting 400 lengths of silver string
• tying the strings to the tags
• unwrapping and putting the cocktail shakers together (they came in 2 parts - lid and bottom - and had to wear gloves so won't get fingerprints on them)
• tagging the shakers
• putting them in the boxes
• putting 1600 tea bags in specially designed cases
• putting the 4 tea bags in each box
• fixing the lids on the boxes
• and boxing the boxes in prep for transportation to the venue of the welcome dinner (have to go by boat up the chao phraya river)

great sense of satisfaction now that it's finally all done...took the greater part of 2 days...those clients'd better treat their gifts with care...and many thanks to my 2 thai helpers, and my colleagues who switched roles with me and chipped in once in awhile when they tired of doing their own stuffs...

first part of the trip didn't go all too well though - it took a million years for us to clear customs - the queues were so long and crawling at snail pace, our welcome guy wasn't holding a prominent signboard, the van-ride to the hotel made me car-sick, and the hotel took another million years to check us in..

PLUS the bellboy disappeared with our baggages even before we were given our room numbers. WE = 4 people in 3 different rooms, with at least 1 baggage each...i duno what the guy did with the bags while we're checking in..but he eventually went room by room with the baggages piled onto one trolley, and *dingdong* "which bag is you?"

these don't bode well, as all the guests and clients are going to have to go through everything we did once they touch down...and i don't think they'll be all to happy with that..but we've spoken to all the people working with us, so hopefully there won't be anymore delays/screw-ups..

the hotel - royal orchid sheraton - isn't as gorgeous as the ritz in bali..and the people here don't speak english as well as the balinese...but the whole place's got it's own special feel...

makan has been pretty decent..my first meal was a yummy green curry from a cafe next to the hotel (it's called SALA CAFE...sounded abit erm..WRONG...)...and had dinner in chinatown last night - mmm seafood...we even saw a fight between 2 men in the middle of the street! the roadside stalls outside the hotel sells all kinds of bugs and icky crawly stuffs for consumption *shudder* ooooo but thai iced coffee tastes great...still haven't tried the thai iced tea though..suppose to taste really good!

ahhh back to work...meeting at 9pm, now waiting for a colleague to buy back dinner...hope i can get a little more sleep tonight!!!

DAMMIT!!! wakeboard world champs at bedok reservoir this weekend!!! why oh why do i have to be in bangkok!??! ARGH!!! WASTED!!!

i miss wakeboarding i miss wakeboarding i miss wakeboarding i miss wakeboarding i miss wakeboarding i miss wakeboarding i miss wakeboarding

i am working my ass off now so that i'll have the money to wakeboard when i come back..

let's go wakeboard sometime during my birthday week!!!

a photo of my wares from supermarket shopping in bali..all these are for the recreational packs we put together for the clients...

too much coffee gives me a headegg
too much tea gives me insomnia

i think i should just stick to water.

everything's spun on an intricate web of deceit
ignorance is bliss?

entire chapters built on a multitude of lies
what i don't know won't hurt me?

care and concern
it's just a facade.

friendship's just an illusion
easily shattered.

go the distance?
quit dreaming.

hurtful accusations and unfounded distrusts
what the fuck did i do to deserve all these?

a desperate attempt to understand what's wrong
all i get in return is a swat in the face.

discuss and work things through
oh please, do you think they give a damn?

i think, i feel, i try to make sense of things
but it takes two hands to clap.

to say that i am disappointed would be a gross understatement.

friendship - perhaps i am, after being alive for 21 years, still too idealistic and naive to truly fathom the workings of human-human interaction.

i thought friendship meant

- that i won't be lied to
- that my friends would know that i'd try my utmost not to hurt them
- that my friends would know what kinda person i am
- shared fun and laughter
- when the going gets tough, i won't get ditched & pushed aside
- shared sorrows & tears
- support & encouragement
- that my friends'll tell me if they're unhappy with me, & what they're unhappy about
- that my friends will help make me a better person
- that i can help make my friends better people
- that my friends know how much i care
- mutual respect
- trust

but i guess that's just me being in my own lalaland

a colleague of mine had to bring a carton of stuffs onto the plane from bali back to singapore...

the SQ ground staff at bali asked her, "what's in the box?"
she said, "files and paper."

i looked at the label attached to the carton when it got back to the office...scribbled on it was:

FAILS/PAPPER

i've had a great 2 days since i returned from bali...doubt and confusion sometimes clouded me..but on the whole, i've had a fab time...

actually went to sungei buloh yesterday morning coz xiang had to look at some mangroves for his geog project...took a stroll down the mangrove boardwalk and spotted some crabs and a mudskipper in the swampy grounds...it was relaxing, not-too-mosquito-filled, and sweet...it's nice to do something out-of-the-ordinary...

a scary thing happened on our way home though...i'd my eyes closed and was just enjoying the ride when this resounding crash jolted me out of my reverie....turns out he'd dozed off at the wheel and we'd crashed into the PIE divider...thank god he swerved out immediately...the car had a long, nasty scratch on the driver's side, and his door's abit wonky now..but we still got home safe...i think what was most traumatic was that he had to tell his dad what had happened..........man.........i guess it's a good thing his dad was rushing to get out of the house and didn't have much time to scream at us...i didn't relish being in xiang's position...

we went to the esplanade for his performance in the evening....yup the SWIM SHADYS strike again - this time at the ESPLANADE for the MADE IN SINGAPORE performance haha with mark and kenneth in the US, xiang had to rope in his sec schoolmate to play some of the guitar parts...saturday night's jamming practice went well...and i think yesterday's performance went ok too...yes there were hiccups and all..but hey, it's exposure, it's suppose to be fun...just learn from it and enjoy it...

it was a good thing they were the first to perform, coz towards 8pm, the drizzle got real bad and some of the other bands didn't get to perform...still managed to catch TIC TAC TONE (a vocal band with a female singer who looked and dressed like a gei-tai aunty but had a fantastic voice), and the UNIVERSAL BLUES BAND who were great and professional, though a tad draggy...was looking forward to watching ELECTRICO perform, but the rain had other ideas...we left at 9pm after a HOT dinner at thai express...

KO-ed once i got home......

i'm back from bali..and, sadly, back in the office :( ah wel..god knows i need the money...

wish i can say that bali's great, but it was almost all work and no play...i spent 90% of the time in the hotel - it was a great hotel, the ritz-carlton bali resort and spa - but i didn't get to enjoy it much..only managed to squeeze in a swim at the pool on the morning of my last day there..oooo that felt great..the scorching sun on my back as i lay on the deck-chair, sipping my chilled watermelon juice..hotel staff at my beck and call (do i sound evil or what?!)...mmm B L I S S...

but i didn't get to explore the rest of bali much..got to go to this supermarket called MATAHARI coz i needed to get 22kitkats, 34packets of chips, and 34mars bars to make a snack pack for the customers...of coz, i did abit of personal shopping and bought 10packets of indomie (yes gracie, the type we get in melbourne..i'll pass some to you =) )...

also got to go to kuta for awhile..2 very nice guys from our freight company's bali contact brought us around...only drove down the shopping strip though, didn't get to walk much...went into a few shops, but only managed to get a roxy bag for my sis...

and we drove past the site of the bali bombing..it was so so sad...a dark hole amidst rows of brightly-lit shops..charred fencing, ruined grounds...a choking reminder of what had happened......

a memorial has been built just opposite the bomb site...it's so white and new it seems almost insulting...people walking around and posing...it's become just another place for the tourists to visit and take photos...

went to this fabulous seafood place at jimbarang beach... Y U M ...it's quite a local place, which makes it mega cheap..and the food's so fresh...we sat on the sandy beach, with the waves coming in barely 10metres away and a star-filled sky above us... G O R G E O U S ...

but that was it..my bali escapade...have to go back sometime soon...just to relax and enjoy the place...

if i get a dollar for every "kombawa" said to me here in bali, i'll be a billionaire... ...

i'm not a bitch who'd steal anyone's boyfriend - especially when he belongs to one whom i considered one of my closest friends

and i do not like being treated like one.

went to caldecott hill to watch SINGAPORE IDOL last night!!!

only one guy can make me do such a thing......

yes, the virgin idoler (aka me) lost it last night...all coz of WENWEI and FENGMIN...

man.....there were so many people it was quite scary...i mean, it's only singapore idol?! i was feeling abit embarrassed to be there haha and i didn't have any banner to wave around, no loud whistle to blow...

i didn't even know who the idol contestants were...

but i'm glad i went...coz it turned out to be rather entertaining...from the lack luster performance of crowd (and fengmin)-favourite SYLVESTER, to the fantastic more-retro-than-disco-king TAUFIK......it was a highly amusing 2 hours...and the crowd was surprisingly loud! (but i guess they're all like family members or CHURCH friends of the contestants' or something)......

contestants who deserve special mention:

1. JERRY - he united the crowd with the most cringe-worthy performance of the night...everyone (sans the 6 fans he had - man, they should just go dig holes and hide inside for a decade) was just looking around making disgusted faces and laughing in a this-is-so-not-funny-get-him-outa-here way...he should stop smiling, stop singing, and just get himself locked up in a dark cellar or something

2. CHRISTOPHER - or, as feng told me, CHRISSY-POO to his adoring fans...his singing's WAY OFF, and he looks like he thinks he's damn handsome and superstar and singing sensation...GOODNESS!!! he's so super duper fat-trying-to-pass-off-as-muscular/sporty...and granted, his tan looked quite good on the screens, but i bet he's one of those fake tanners..or he's one of those icky gays who sit in the sun wearing only hot pink g-strings...ewwwww grossssss...

oh help...i'm turning into one of them talk-about-singapore-idol-fervently people.........

somebody kill me quick

it's my boss' birthday yesterday...

we got him an ass-shaped cake!!! haha it was quite funny...completely white (as if he's angmoh or something), buttcheeks and all...

he sliced it down the ass-crack...and some bits from the inside (blackforest - why do people always get blackforest cakes?!) dropped out as he removed the knife --- very like shitting..

thank god they didn't go with the plan to eat the cake off toilet
paper.

i thank my lucky stars that i can have fun and have a good laugh with the people at the office

i keep getting stomach-egg and i don't know why...have been like that for almost a week...so strange...

browsed through cleo yesterday and scanned through an article on how some boyfriends can be all sweet and romantic when its just the two of you, then become almost a complete stranger when in the company of others...

i think it's so macho-shit to treat your girlfriend like she's invisible, or like just a normal friend, when you're out...ok, no need to be all touchy feely and mushy urshy, but you know, there ought to be a slight difference in how you treat your special someone, and how you treat the rest - a warm glance now and then, shared smiles, a caring touch...you know? a "she's my girlfriend and i care for her" feel...NOT "she's my girlfriend, god help me"... ... ...

why are some guys afraid of showing affection (though not overtly!) when they are out?

is it just me when i feel like they don't want me around anymore?
or do i just always call at the wrong time?

hate it when i feel a sneeze at the back of my nose, but just CAN'T get it out!!! RAH!!!

i love a good sneeze...

one event down, two more (for now) to go...

last night's Opening of Boutique Roger Dubuis at the Grand Hyatt went superbly well *phew* i'm so happy with my choice of ushers *beam* and big thank yous to pet and gracie for helping me out with the red carpet decor...

the darn taitais wore clothes that look like they came straight off the walkway *jealous* designer labels from head to toe, dripping in sparkling jewellery *twing twing* ... majority of the ladies looked really bad though...goes to show that having the money doesn't mean you have the good taste! muahaha they buy all those ridiculously priced clothes that look absolutely retarded...such a freaking waste of money...and their make-up *roll eyeballs* so thick you need a bulldozer to dig through the layers before you can see the actual face...

& it was BOTOX & boob job alert EVERYWHERE! stiff faces, non-jjiggling boobs...man, when will they learn that natural's the best way to go?!

and i swear these rich people are blind...noses so high up in the air that they can't see what's on the ground..kept kicking my candles and stepping on my petals...made the wax fly all over the place and petal marks all over the floor...pity the hotel staff who have to do clean-up...

oh but the watches sold by the shop are really gorgeous (guess they have to be, with the price ranging from $20,000 to $600,000) bleahz......crazy......

ah well..it's all over now *thank goodness* have been so so tired coz of the prep for this event...woke up in the middle of the night shaking uncontrollably and feeling feverish..that's scary...but the panadols seem to be working...need to get more sleep...zzZZZzzzzzZzzzz

working life of zenn'z:

- no social life
- work from 9am to 6pm..or 7pm..or 8pm..or 9pm..or 10pm..or forever
- i feel like i'm neglecting everyone - my family, my friends
- i don't meet up with my girlies much
- i don't know what everyone's up to
- i sleep 3 hours a day
- i catch up on sleep on weekends (saturday:11hours, sunday:11hours)
- i have no time to write in my blog
- i even have to do work stuffs on weekends
- i get paid peanuts
- haggard & weak
- look like shit
- but i do love the way my eyelashes have been curling without any aid from the curler
- eyebags are here to stay forever
- love it when there's casting & i get to bitch about yucky models
- love the roses i just ordered for tuesday's event
- i get food poisoning and puke at glutton square

sometimes i think i am the cruellest bitch in the world
sometimes i think i have no heart
sometimes i have to do things i don't want to, just coz i don't want to hurt anyone anymore

staying home, doing normal day-to-day homey stuffs, is the best kind of quality time two people can spend together

moments together in total comfort and bliss,
shared laughter, knowing glances,
playful tension, deep conversations

warmth, ease, security, joy

love

big thank yous to eddie, chua, ang, jp and niggie...for keeping me company and taking care of me last night at zouk and madmonk's.....i would have been so lonely without you guys...

DJ SCUD you rock!!! =)

thank you to my impromptu dinner mates...haha i'd have been at home eating instant mee if not for you...

doopz, your haircut's FINE......a very big improvement from the dirty hairy you used to be muahaha BABE!!!!!! hahahaha

at times, it's as if some of those i call "my friends", don't treat me like a friend at all

ever felt like hope was giving up on you?

ok..i don't think that made sense..

but i'm in a kind of senseless state...i'm moody again..

i don't know what i want, i can't get a job, my mind's nettled with a million things
i don't know who i am, what i am becoming
i can be part of a group laughing and talking, but still i feel lonely

i feel weak and i want someone to save me
i want someone to cuddle me and tell me everything'll be ok
i want warmth

i feel weak and i want someone to slap me
i want someone to shake me hard and tell me to wake up
i want love

simple, two-feet-on-the-ground, bear-huggy love

if someone slams a door in your face, do you walk away? or try to open it again?

if someone removes his helping hand, do you drown? or swim like hell to try to stay afloat?

gracie and i went for our $8 slimming and facial thingy yesterday...

we had a full facial (man the extraction shit hurt like hell), and a very interesting time with the slimming procedure......

we paid extra for a cling-wrap special - our fats (ewww) were massaged by this electro-something machine, then we got marinated in a special 'sauce' that made our skin go red, then got tightly wrapped up with cling-wrap...

it's a really strange feeling, to have cling wrap around your thighs, ass, stomach and arms...

it's like wearing a cheapo corset

i don't think i look any different haha but ahhhhh...it's fun......

gracie: my skin's not as red as yesterday already...now i can FACE the world..haha

i wana go for a swim... ...

someone deleted photos from my digicam..and i think i know who did it...coz i think only ONE person looked through my cam that day when i realised some shots were missing...

the fucking bitch who asked for my cam - i thought she's only gonna look through the photos i took at zouk (there're like, 2 of her? which i took only coz she's with one of my friends!?)...but NO...she scrolled through all the way back..and refused to hand my..i repeat, MY camera back to me when i asked her to...she just CONTINUED looking through my photos...

what the fuck, it is MY camera and you return it to me when i say so..not just sit there and look through everything, pretending not to hear me when i'm SHOUTING IN YOUR FACE...what, am i suppose to BEG you to give it back to me?

i don't even know you well - you didn't give me a good first impression, and now you've made it worse...and i don't know of anyone else who'd delete my photos coz everyone else who looked through my cam were my FRIENDS...so it had to be YOU, you fucking ah lian

or perhaps it wasn't you, but hell...your horrid behaviour's enough to make me not wana give you the benefit of the doubt...ARGH BLOODY BITCH!!!!!!

sometimes i wish i have the courage......

a friend dreamt of me sitting on the edge of a window (do windows have edges?) on the 17th floor...

should i jump or should i not?

i don't think i've ever been suicidal...in fact, i think it's a rather stupid, not to mention ugly, way to go...it may take me away from all the shitty things and all the confusions, and perhaps it would solve some things for me...the easy way out, so to speak...but i don't want those left behind - those who love me - to have to live through it...

i especially don't want to hurt my parents in that way...

i've often felt like i'm sitting on a window..debating on whether to jump and escape, or to turn and step back into the room...

these days it seems like i'm just perched precariously on the sill...waiting.... w a i t i n g . . . . .

i can't believe this guy had the nerve to molest my friend in zouk last night...that asshole..he'd better WATCH OUT!!!!!!

when are cab drivers suppose to start the meter?

once you get in the cab (includes time spent telling him where you want to go, and him pondering over how to get you there)?

or only when they start driving off?

i'm covering the lexicon avenue gig this sat at zouk!!!!!!

wooooohooooooo it's an unpaid job..but ah well..just do for fun and exposure...

it's for frontallabs...all my babes and hunks out there, get into your clubbing gear and come down to zouk for some great (i hope) music...i'll take photos and send them off to get them published! =)

many many thanz to mark (tay) for this lobang!!! *MUACKZ* =)

i hope i don't screw up...... =/

sometimes writing in my blog can cause misunderstandings and over-reactions

i often write to question myself, to put forth my point of view, or those i've shared with friends
sometimes they're just spontaneous thoughts
sometimes writing things down just helps me put my thoughts in order
other times it helps me breathe more easily
sometimes i just write coz i want/like to write

i'm not targetting anyone..i'm not looking for anything...

i just write coz i love to write

am i that weird?
am i that demanding?
am i that green a monster?
am i that hard to please?
am i that difficult to understand?

is it wrong to want security?

isn't it simple? just love, mutual respect and the understanding that yes i am yours and you are mine...you can do everything you want to do - i don't have to be with you all the time to feel contented...as long as you give me the security, and show me that i can trust that you won't do anything to hurt me

why is it so simple a concept to some, yet so complicated to others?

why do i allow the smallest of things to affect me in the greatest of ways? looking at a photo can send me into the worst of moods, a single gesture can make me cry, a word unsaid can send me into depression.

why do i let my emotions take over?
why do i let my insecurities pull me down?

i have icky toes...... =(

i have tau huay zui craving......

i drank insomnia-inducing teh tarik just now...... =/

my room's a bloody mess

i'm still living outa my suitcase - the clothes that i've worn and have been washed are folded then put back into the suitcase

i'm trying to clean out my wardrobe of the stuffs i don't wear anymore - now everything (wanted and unwanted) is on the floor

i have look for empty spots to tiptoe on in order to get around my room

i can't see the surface of my desk

i need a maid
i need to not be such a lazy bum
i need to clean my room

*sighz*

i am flabby
i need to exercise
i haven't been exercising since i came back..and i feel like shit

wanted to run today when i was at NUS..but i was too lazy to bring my running stuffs and change of clothes and shoes and etc......

now i regret

i wana cry when i look at my tummy...i spend hours raiding my cupboard for clothes to wear out coz i look shit in everything...i feel my big ass jiggling and i feel like just sitting on it more in the hope that it'd get squashed back into smallness... *bawls*

i try to stop eating but food's so yummy..i need to eat less but if i don't clean out everything on my plate, SOMEONE says 'God will punish you' (complete with hand gestures and looking up to the sky)......

h e l p

i am RICH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or so i'd like to think......haha got a cheque for my 6 days' work at an event...YIPEE DOO DAA DEEE!!!!! i finally haf some money...it's when you get the money that you realize all the work and the boredom was worth it...hehz

i'm going to bali for my next event...woohooo just got confirmation today that i got the job...don't have the details yet, but i sure am looking forward to it! =)

i still need to get a full-time job man...~ i wana go into news broadcast...anyone with lobangs?!?!? HELP!!!!!!

still can't get over the fact that newsradio wants male presenters instead of females..what's with the sex discrimination man?!?!!

i should write something but i'm so tired...brain not functioning...alot of things to write, but am not really all that bothered to type it all down...

i love my new puppy-paw-print stool from zouk flea and easy!!!!!! =)

i was in a car with drunk people last night and i had a ball of a time...pet's so funny when she's drunk..and the guys too..it's like watching a movie...and i drove xiang's car round and round coz i didn't know how to get to town from clarke quay - i went on 3 expressways in the span of 10minutes wahaha bloody drei suppose to give me directions but he fell asleep...woke him up to give me directions and he went "aiya just drive lah i'm sleeping" =/ but hey, i got the car to pet's place in one piece ok!

a bloody taxi almost killed us...he just came into our lane, right in front of us and jammed his brake..then put on hazard lights (so say the guys - i didn't see anything coz i's so scared i closed my eyes)..then he went back to the other lane..BLOODY IDIOT TAXI DRIVER!!! if xiang hadn't managed to brake in time, we'd all be in the morgue by now...high speed can! we were like an inch away from a car crash... (ok maybe i am being dramatic..but it was bloody scary)

i don't like being a fairy =/ it's bloody tiring, embarassing and retarded...and so many of the staff at UOB (bedok) are so unfriendly...BITCHES ALL!!!!!!

i don't think i am fairy-material...

i wanted wings.....all i got was a blue, chingchong chang-er dress that had bits falling all over the place, and a bloody hair-piece that made a bloody ah pek go "ehz chang-er your hair is dropping"

i think i've played a million games of solitaire over the past couple of days......

work (if you can even call it work) at this event's SO BORING...today was made a tad more bearable only coz we stealthily ate leftover pastries and stuffs that we stole from the conference foyer after the delegates ended their coffee breaks...*feels like i've gained a few pounds after today's 'indulgence'*

i'd be queen of blisters AND solitaire AND spider solitaire by the time it's thursday...

i am suffering from a serious lack of sleep and it's making me grumpy...i even have eyebags (that are bigger than my eyes) and i look so haggard... ~

what am i still doing online at 1.29am?!

*waits for hair to dry...checks mail...gets disappointed coz newsradio replied and said they're only looking for male presenters now (do they tell male applicants that they're only looking for females?)...chats...yawns...discovers my hoopy earrings on a stack of cds by the comp - no wonder i haven't been able to find them... ... ... eyes on auto-shut mode*

i can't do anything if you can't fucking trust me

i love my girlies..i'm so glad i have them...

i feel so lucky to have them to lean on when i'm down, and be there for me when i fall...

i've never been one to spend loads of time with a group of girls..but hanging out with my babes have made me realize how blessed i am to be part of this group now..it is so wonderful how we're each so different from the other..and yet we can still hang out and have good, relaxing times together..

the support, the laughter, the shared sorrows and bitchiness - thank you babes for being here with me...

it is so bloody annoying that my dad won't allow me to take the car...

i've had my license for more than A YEAR & a half..and still he doesn't trust me with it...it's not as if i'll race around with it - i just don't want to spend money on cabs (as if i HAVE money)!

i think i am a responsible driver..and i will never become a better driver unless i get to practice..

i think sometimes i drive better than him - yes he's more experienced, but he is also old and nehneh...

i'm gonna work hard and buy myself a car...then i won't have to ask him for any favours and i won't get myself into a bad mood just coz he won't allow me to drive...

i want my lexus sc430......but right now, i just wana drive my rav 4......

a good pair of shoes will NOT give me bloody blisters

just like how a good man should not hurt me...... =/

i had to shower one-legged today..coz of the giant blisters i got from my new pair of pointy heels...then i tried to wash the blistered area coz i want it clean - OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!!!! *miserable look*

and work was hell today...poor feng and i had to suffer at 1230 to 2000 hrs...with NO BREAKS ALLOWED...BLOODY HELL!!!!!! i was hungry and one of my co-workers (like ants) helped ask the person-in-charge if we can go eat since it was a lull period anyway...but NO! the bloody pregnant woman said we can't...in the end a friend sneaked off and got us food that we had to eat sneakily under the table...

the worst thing was, she went downstairs a few hours later, and came up with a doggy bag for HERSELF...what? just coz we help out we're not HUMAN?! just coz we're not PREGNANT we don't need FOOD?! *grumble mumble rant and rave*

i'm just glad feng's there to rant and rave and write notes and do stupid things and stone together with me...... =)

after work, went for dinner with feng and deb...then tu here tu there, lala here lala there, walked damn alot with my blistered feet..in the end went to outside boom boom room to say happy birthday to bernz...wanted so much to go in coz i've never been in before..and wanted to be entertained by kumar in the hope that he'll (err, she'll?) get me outa my bad mood..alas, zenn has no money.... =( *sighz* another time i guess......

feeling so much cleaner after my shower now....gone with all the dirt and grime accumulated over the hours (ewww gross)...i've been feeling so bloody nehneh these days man..and acting so absolutely gu niang i can't stand myself...argh wat's wrong wif me?!

sometimes i feel like i am used toilet paper

why am i so bloody stupid?????????????

sometimes i think HOPE will eventually kill me

is it wrong for me to keep hoping that i will get what i want?

expectations bring about hope (or is it the other way round?) - i expect alot from myself...is it so wrong for me to expect certain things from some of the people around me?

am i unreasonable in the things i expect?

am i being foolish when i hope for what i hope for?

i feel like i still live in my own lalaland

i think i need to grow up - in the way i behave, the decisions i make, the things i do, the way i think...

i think i need more reality - in the way things work...in relationships, friendships, business...the complexities of the different layers of people interaction...

i think i should be less idealistic and quit hoping

i think i need to learn how to be myself and yet try to fit in this world

sometimes i think i should be ruthless and kill myself in order to live on

milan's like the male, darker version of me when it comes to relationships...

are our simple concepts of love & trust so unfathomable?

"Authority is given to the man in this patriachal society we live in. There
cannot be an imbalance of power and love within him. The woman will suffer from
the oppression of his power if he lacks the same extent of love to judge and
decide on what is best and fair for the two in a relationship."

the man wears the pants?
the woman will suffer unless the man loves her as much as, or more than, she loves him?

bombings outside Aust embassy in Jakarta - how many more innocent lives are going to be taken just because of a minority group's warped thinking?!

"turn left where the blue indian is standing!"

MUAHAHA blue indian...smurf gone wrong?

our ghosts will always haunt us...

i just hope that mine will be happy casper-ghosts......

i am not worth it

i can't handle it
i am sorry

my computer is fucked up!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!

weird windows keep opening, things keep stalling; blinking lights, hung sites - ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!!!! this comp's so slow a tortoise'd crawl faster than it...i think it is just so burdened by everything in it that it's going on strike...woe betide my dad and sis if the comps dies - it's all their fault!!!!!

you'd think that, as major users of the comp, they'd take care of it...but NOOOOO! they save everything on the desktop - and i mean EVERYTHING! i've cleared links to webpages, strawberry shortcake pictures, documents, etc etc etc etc etc........... EVERYTHING's all over the place...now i've got a junkyard of a comp to work on and it screws up everything i do...

i want to use my laptop again...and leave this rubbish bin to them...

but i don't know how to set up my wireless thingy...... ARGH!!!

and i saw the perfect puppy yesterday but i couldn't bring it home...coz my dad doesn't want to have a dog in the house...why? coz he doesn't want the house to stink...i'm like, i can take care of it so that the smell's minimal...like the pet farm i saw the pup in didn't even smell bad!!! what kind of a dumb excuse is that!?

the pup's so cute, so gorgeous, puppy-dog eyes (DUH?!), so quiet and well-behaved for a jack russell, yet still playful and licky..and he's from MELBOURNE!!!!!! his pricetag of $888 is steep..but i'm willing to work and pay for him...i've been wanting a dog since i was...BORN!!!!!!

with 3 out of 4 family members agreeing to having a dog, why can't the odd one out just give in?!

i've come to realize over the years, how important it is to have the support of good friends...and that good friends are hard to come by...

i see so many different footprints in my life...but so few have actually come this far with me..and i don't know how many are going to "go the distance" with me...

i envy those who have childhood friends...unbreakable bonds forged by nappies, ninja turtles & carebears, first-day-of-schools, seeing-each-other-in-gaudy-clothes, getting-into-trouble, ups and downs...shared, irreplaceable moments from years-gone-by...

the closest i have to such a friend dates from my communist DHS days...

maybe i'm a late bloomer..haha but i am glad..to have the friends i have right now...who have been there for me all this while...and who have nursed me whenever i fall...

i hope that i am, to them, the friend they are to me...i hope that even with my weirdness - my mood swings, tempers, quirks and ugly sides - they know that i love them and will always be here for them..

the forming of a (hopefully) lifelong bond is a gradual & beautiful process...and it takes 2 hands to clap..i hope that the music of all the applause i am hearing right now will never die off...

i am..surprised....pleasantly so...

i didn't know that people actually read my blog... =/

comments, support, words of wisdom, shared personal tales - thank you all for that...i feel blessed with friends who care...

confusion aside, i AM happy...especially since my darling feng's back from perth! thank you dear for the yummy mango sauce!!!!!! (i know it's yummy even though i can't bear to open it haha)

all the girlies are back on homeground...let the party begin!!!

even though i know that it'd be better for me to love someone who loves me more than i love him, why is it that i fall deeper and deeper? till i love him more than he loves me?

i guess that'd be great...except that maybe he doesn't even love me anymore?

there is a war going on inside me..and i don't know how to resolve it..

i know i'm wrong...i don't dare to take the plunge..i feel like i don't know my new pair of shoes well enough to do so...i'm scared of making a mistake...right now, i don't dare to take the risk...i don't want to hurt anyone...but i don't want to get hurt further either...

and i really am trying my best not to lead my new shoes on...coz i'm not that sort of girl..right now i'm just confused...right now i just want everyone to be friends and i want to know each shoe better so i can decide...and i think i've made it known to the new pair of shoes...

i enjoy my time with my new pair of shoes...it treats me really well, and cares for my every needs...but it's new...and i don't know much about it yet...i need more time...

my old shoes have come and gone...sometimes it gets lost...but somehow, it always seems to come back..and i don't know why...is it because i haven't decided to stow it away, or is it because it still fits so wonderfully that i don't want to lose it again?

can i love my new shoes more than i love my old pair?

"love someone who loves you more than you love him"

that's what my mum tells me...

be with someone who cherishes you
be with someone who knows how to take care of you
be with someone who appreciates you
be with someone who can tolerate you
be with someone who can be trusted
be with someone who respects you
be with someone who makes you laugh, and whom you can laugh with
be with someone who can make you feel like you're in heaven, yet keep your feet planted on earth
be with someone who won't hurt you

be with someone you love
be with someone who loves you more than you love him?

is it right to just go with the flow, even when you know that you shouldn't?
is it right to be unsettled, when you really should make up your mind?
is it right to sit on the fence, even when it is unfair to all?
is it right to have the best of both worlds, when really you are entitled to only one?
is it right to go against your beliefs, because you are confused?
is it right to follow your heart, yet not know for certain what it's telling you?

i am a pig

i ate bah chor mee, prata (one kosong, one cheese & mushroom & egg), bah chor mee (again..but soup one this time), chicken wings..all in half a day....and i ate so quickly (shovelled..like, totally unglam, 10000-years-never-eat shovelling) that i got a tummy ache... =/

went errand-running with xiang (he-who-almost-lost-his-wallet) yesterday..massage, then met tony to register their songs with Compass (errr composers and artistes something something management something something)...rather interesting..learnt how composers and lyricists and performers can earn money from their songs...

finally got to see xiang's little room at eusoff hall...it's small, yes, but surprisingly new...i was actually expecting something much dodgier than that haha woe to his neighbours who have to suffer through his guitar-playing..wahaha

had a good time with ian after that...he brought me to thomson (why does thomson look so strange? did i spell it right?) for prata!!! it's yum! one of the best cheese and mushroom (even had egg in it) prata i've had....mmmmm

and we went to visit debra at her shop in holland....ahhh so many nicenice clothes...but so EXPENSIVE!!!!!! the shop's strangely sandwiched between 2 'restaurants', and you had to climb up a flight of stairs....but the decor was beautiful - very clean, very...i duno...but i like...haha and the clothes - australian brands - my favourite...haha sighz but so so expensive...... ~

then ian and i went puppy-hunting!!!! woohooooo haha so many cute ones...no jack russells though....i hope i get permission to get a dog....really want one so badly..have been yearning for a puppy since i was....born (?).....*wish wish wish*

*stretch* waking up at home's so great..haha i miss melb, and i miss my apartment...but ahhh home's the best....... =)

had a great couple of days since i got back...met xiang the afternoon i touched down...realised how much i've missed him and how much i've missed just doing normal day-to-day stuffs with him...we had alot of laughs and alot of fun...it reminded me of when we're just fresh in the relationship...albeit the fact that we know each other so much better now..

or mayb it's just me...but thank you doopz for being so sweet today =)

and i finally got to watch him compete in fin!!! i've been away all this while and never actually got to watch him in action...it's a small meet this time...at queenstown swimming pool...but seeing him glide through the water so effortlessly and then emerging to come join me by the side brought back memories of then millions of times i sat by the pool watching and cheering him on for trainings and competitions...

the sun got to me too...my nose and cheeks were red by the close of the afternoon...haha should have brought my swim stuffs...wanted so desperately to jump in the water and escape from the heat..bleahz...that's lousy planning for you...

went back to his place and caught some olympic action after...why do the divers have to shower each time they get out of the water?

met ian for a yummy yummy dinner at newton after...mmmmmm finally got to dig in to sedap stingray *drool*..and of course, i had my sliced fish mee sua....YUM!!!!!! was deciding between drinking sugar cane with lemon, teh tarik and coconut..when ian resloved it for me and ordered all three haha

and ian lost a $10 bet to me!!!! wahahaha that's what happens when you do not believe me when i say that there's a spinelli's at forum..muahaha *feels rich*

and ian gave me a surprise present =) a gorgeous album with some photos of me with my babes and one with him...it came with stickers that can be pasted to accompany the photos! like "i'm such a hottie" (for when i need an ego-boost), and "definite bad behaviour" (for naughty pictures) haha THANK YOU!!!!! *feels richer* =)

went to zouk after and met up with my babes grace, deb, net, helly and tian...being at zouk seemed to certify that i was finally back in singapore haha the music was pretty crap though, and the crowd was boring (hmmm did that have anything to do with the fact that there was an SMU bash just before we got there?)...we left after an hour or so of doing nothing at members'...haha

went to HIDEOUT and caught my favourite DJ SCUD spin!!! finally!! haha i'v missed a million of dave's 'gigs' and decided that i won't miss this one, no matter how tired i was...stayed at hideout for awhile before sharing a cab with the girls..they dropped off at net's friend's place at siglap and i made my way home....so tired.....

konked out once my head touched the pillow.....

"please empty all your bags for checking madam. we suspect u are in
possession of illegal substances. please co-operate with us. thank you very
much.

as soon as we are done, u can go home and sleep!!! hahaha welcome back to
merlion land"

haha merlion land indeed....idito....haha

ARGH!!! smting's wrong with the computer and i just lost an entire post...why oh why oh why did i not copy the thing first before clicking on 'publish'!!? =(

ok..attempt to recap...

"Lay-lees and gen-dle-men, welcome to sing-Ga-pour..and to all sing-Ga-poreans,
a warm welcome home"

ahhh singlish never sounded so good..haha i am finally FINALLY home...after all that mess..packing and rushing around like a mad woman...bleahz

"can the loser who missed her flight please put up her hand?"

*timidly raises right arm*

yes...i'm an idiot...i was late - VERY late for my afternn flight...flight's scheduled departure time was 4pm...i got there at 3.40pm...the entire SQ check-in rows were blanketed in darkness..and only 2 ladies remained behind the (closed) service counter....needless to say, i missed my SQ228...

had to get myself on the next flight

i thought it'd be a breeze...seeing that it's august and not exactly peak period...but i didn't count on some mainland chinese tourgroup and business group on crashing the party...SQ218 was OVERBOOKED....they put me on waitlist...

i went back to my apartment......

but of course, being me, i wasn't just gona sit there and wait for a miracle call...i went back to the airport at 8+pm and got myself on standby...(many many thankz to peishan who drove me to and fro, to and fro)

many many hours of worrying, time-wasting, book-reading and fries-eating resulted in a happy ending...*phew* the counter-guy who helped me managed to bump me on the flight on the very last minute...this bitchy lady was telling him "the flight's full, it's not possible"..but he did some magic and shifted the passengers around and WALA, i got a seat...(made all the more satisfying when he smugly told the bitch off with a "nothing's impossible")

maybe bigben's tips on smiling and flirting with the counter-guy worked after all..haha i thought all was lost at the beginning..coz he kept staring at his computer and i couldn't do much seducing..haha

anywayz..flight was good...first time i slept so much inflight...and it's DEEP sleep too...the stewardess had to shake me to wake me up for breakfast haha

a surprise awaited me at the airport...i mistook grace for my sis when she pounced on me from behind....haha thank you my dears grace, deb and ian for taking the time and trouble to drive all the way to changi to welcome me back...i may not have showed it..but i was very surprised...very pleasantly so =) (fatigue renders me unable to transmit emotions to outward appearance)

ahhh it's good to be back...... =)

i haven't woken up on this side of the morning in a long long while...it's unearthly..no one should be made to wake up @ 6am...unless it's for a gazillion bucks...

and no....try as i might..no one seems to be willing to give me a gazillion bucks..instead, i'll be forking out $55 this morning....so that i can do some dummy kissing...

yes...i'm taking my CPR course...at the RED CROSS...in the hope that i'll finally FINALLY complete my australian swim-teaching cert...and on my 2nd-last dae in melbourne too...why haven't i learnt that it is a BAD BAD idea to leave things to the last minute?! (maybe coz things always seem to have a way of completing themselves SUCCESSFULLY when i tackle them at the latest possible time? *thinks back on all the midnight oil burnt on assignments* i'm such a procrastinator...

still feeling shitty coz i seem to be making absolutely no headway in my packing...feel like just throwing the whole damn house out...ARGH why can't my things just sprout legs and jump themselves into the boxes?

and the things i don't want anymore should juz take a hike...crawl themselves outa the door, into the elevators to the first floor, out into the carpark and into the huge rubbish dumps...there's so much rubbish i need to throw away!!!!!!

i'd make any garang guni master proud...

oh shit...running late...grrrrrr *slurps down nice hot cuppa mifee (milo+coffee) and gobbles down yummy sesame bread*

the close of yet anoder not-very-productive day...

i dread waking up......i dread opening my eyes and seeing mt. junk materialize...

my arms are aching from carrying boxes home...

finally bought the freight company's boxes so i can fill dem up wif my junk and freight dem home...man, din noe empty, flattened boxes can be so heavy..esp when aided by the wind...i was like doing a horizontal parachute float...

one good thing - it was reali quite warm today!!! i wore shorts out..woohoo haven't been able to do dat for such a long time...spring's finally upon us...juz when i'm leaving..dammit..

oh and anoder good thing - coaching assessment went pretty well todae... =) now juz to clear tom's hurdle and it'l all be done!!! whoopeedoooooo

tired & confused...*sighz* so wat's new...

i seem to be going no where with the packing..just a never-ending excavation of stuffs...more and more and more...how the hell did all these get here?! i fear i wil be forever shackled to all this junk ...

i'm such shitty company when i'm down...and dat juz makes me feel even shittier...and i get shirty abt the smallest things..and i just wana be anti-social...
and yet i dun really wana be anti-social...

argh

everything in my life seems to be in such a mess right now...i am a mess...a worthless floater aimlessly haunting this earth...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WIF ME?!?!?!

do u noe that the words 'solos', 'madam' and 'racecar' each haf the same spelling even when they are spelt backwards?

pasta overdose......i think i've eaten enough to feed a family of 6... ~

coaching went ok todae...a tad boring..but ah wel...was tired...i'm gonna be having my assessment tomorrow and on wednesday!!! hopefully i'l go alright..then i'll finally get my cert (after i go take my cpr course)...abit worried...abit scared..but.....hopefully i'll do ok! *takes deep breath*

i constantly smell of chlorine =/

xiang is watching 'friends' now..dammit i wana watch too..miss 'friends'...now that i do not have my telly (sold it), the apartment seems so..quiet...and i've been going over to glenn's on mondays (official tv nite) in order to catch my favourite shows on aust telly: 'friends' followed by '2 and a half men' then 'queer eye for the straight guy' then 'the apprentice'....monday nites used to be 'sex and the city' nite too..but dey did away wif that after they finished showing the 2nd last season....and since lastlast week, queer eye's been taking a break, and the apprentice's finale had already been shown...

they are currently showing the top 10 aust favourite episodes of 'friends'...i tink the one i saw last week was #7 - the one wif elle macpherson...i missed today's one coz i's coaching..bleahz..

ok..i sound like a tv guide....haha withdrawal symptoms man...

oh and i'v started packing..a little..haha finally started sorting out my clothes and stuffs...into 'yes, no, maybe' stacks/mountains...i'v got a LONG way to go.....

*currently feeling very very disorganized* *sighz*

here i am again...butt perched on the edge of my mattress..crouching over my lappie that's sitting on the carpet...surrounded by my sea of stuffs...i feel so forlorn.. =/

and i'm aching like hell...yesterday was so tiring - woke up early coz of coaching...ended coaching at 1240hrs....rushed like mad to training that's at uni @ 1300hrs...got there only at 1330..coz of the FANTASTIC weekend transport system ~

and training almost killed me...played some games, did drills...RAN.....mad sprints up and down the courts..NON-STOP!!!! i thought i was gona die from the lack of oxygen..haven ran in so long...right now, my legs are screaming abuse...and my whole body's aching...bleahz...

pleasure in pain? - yeah i guess..i kinda like these kinda aches...sadistic me...haha

got up early again today...went to run some errands...went to the fantastic new city library to return and get more books..then to safeway for meat and stuffs - i just made yummy yummy pasta for lunch...and there's so much left in the pot, i tink dinner, supper, tomoro's breakfast, lunch and dinner will all be pasta..haha

i should really be getting up and preparing for coaching now....*sighz* am feeling so bleahz...i dun wana go out and get tortured by the little tykes!!! *help*

the pool awaits my 4-hr company......... *slump*

why do u say that u do not care, then get so mad at the merest mention of his name?

*sighz*

last nite was great - thanz very much to my baddy teammates hu got togeder for wat they call my 'deportation dinner' at the yummy BISTRO 1!!! *ahhh remembers my perfectly-done steak*
(we all noe i was just the excuse for everyone to haf a posh meal) haha *rub-a-tum-tum*
i will miss u guys so much...cant believe i won't be joining u guys for perth :-(

special thanz to edmund..hu found the cosy restaurant, and let us roam in his apartment for after-dinner gelati(mmm SHIOK!!!), cookies(compliments of clare and mrs fields), laughter(russel peters' damn funny!) and baddy(ahhh dat korean HA T K guy's so cute!!! i'm so glad he won the gold medal hahaha)...

had one of my best coaching sessions yesterdae afternn...i feel like i'm finally getting the hang of it..but it stil unnerves me when my mentor coach watches me coach and gives me tips..she's friendly and all, but makes me feel SO inadequate... :-\ but wat better way to learn yah? haha

juz got back from a haircut..or rather, a hair-trim...i am BALD now!!!!!!!haha cant imagine myself bald...got an all-round trim...but only thinned out the fringe (no, din cut any shorter - much to xiang's relief hahaha) i's wondering if i shud get it cut shorter..since it's growing out rite now and i look like a shaggy dog...but alan (haircutter - like grasscutter) said i shudn't, since i'm gona work now...ahh wel...i'v to be MATURE and all GROWN UP now i gues....*shudder*

guess wat? packing stats = still ZERO % ~~~