Can you face YOUR problems without resorting to tattoos?

What you see here may be the modern version of the ostrich
hiding its head in the sand.  Think about it!

Neighbor-lady, as viewed from my terrace!

From my apartment, there's a great view of not only the pool, but of the deck chairs and, sunning themselves toplessly, female personnel! 
It's GREAT (if you like that sort of stuff)!

Fashion trend-setter!

Could YOU EVER match the elegance and sheer ZAP of this man's fashion sense?

The fountain of youth FUBARS again!

 Actually, of course, you should DRINK from the fountain, not SMOKE what it spurts out!

Liquids are really lousy for smoking, especially if you inhale!

ALSO:  they may fairly-totally wreck your skin, eyes, lips and, of course,  your etc. 

Proof:  study the photo of this sexy 15-year-old Mess America bikini winner!

If it looks like a pig, smells like one, and eats like one, is it your Uncle Joe?

 

I took this photo before discovering the pig filter for my camera, an ESSENTIAL tool for those of us who can't be bothered to photoshop out the pigs in their family snaps!

Pink toenails and glossy knees! Yummy!

Although bus tickets now cost a fortune, if you truly appreciate pink toenails, that fortune seems seems really cheap!

An observation

Alexander Hamilton started the US Treasure with a balance of nothing.
I wonder:
will it ever get that high again?

Getting OUT of a slump is easy compared to PERFECTING the slump you've got!

If you're going to slump, DO IT RIGHT: scrunch down deep in yourself until there isn't a straight place anywhere in your body!

Study the photo and learn!

(Are you forgetting to slump AT THIS VERY MOMENT?

Yes?

Then start thinking BENT!)

When?

NOW or IMMEDIATELY -- whichever comes first!

No excess slimness!

Sometimes you get so slim, with such defined abs and stuff, that your muscles have their own muscles and everyone's looking at you all the time!

Play it safe: get old and EAT TOO MUCH!

Why are they both barefoot?

(Of course it would be REALLY strange if the guy was barefoot and thought I was a  seagull wearing combat boots -- but we're still on earth, not Pluto, so enjoy the fact that you can go around your kitchen naked-footed and nuts -- until your partner gets back home!)

Looks aren't everything!

Are they??

How to steal really BIG dinnerplates!

A girl speaks her mind about celibacy

Maybe it's just me, but I prefer to wait until after I'm married to go celibate. Yes, it has a lot to do with my Christian faith and with respect I'll demand from my future husband -- and for myself.

I'd much rather have my husband know that I stay pure during marriage, at least in relation to him.

I get a lot of praise and a lot of criticism, but mostly people don't give a hoot what I do -- though I'm positive my husband will!

Some people say I should give celibacy a try before marriage; they compared it to trying out a new car.

If you don't wait, great -- but I'll wait as long as I have to, right up until my wedding day -- and if I don't get married, then guess I'll be spending a lot of time on my back (or other mutually satisfying positions whatsoever that I can dream up.)

The neighbors contemplate careers in politics

Honest politicians are rare.
The responsibilities are great.
How many really good men
are up to the task?

Relishing your Bogglement!

Most of us slow down mentally as we age. But there’s a world of difference between “just slowing down” and moving into Big League Bogglement – which is, of course, that huge stew of memory-loss, confusion and total muddle we all strive for.

The more questions below that you answer YES to, the better your chances of discarding your old life, advancing into the bogglized one that I, personally, thrive in. The questions:

• Look for signs of memory loss and language difficulties. Can you trash, dump and frazzle-up words, names of common objects such as your spouse, etc.?

• Have you been forgetting ever-simpler math, for example - or do your old skills persist and resist?

• Can you stay unfocussed on an easy-as-lying Dick and Jane conversation even when Jane is out to lunch?

• Can you act inappropriately as well as you used to? For example, can you still wear your underpants on your head and your cap on your butt at weddings?

• The boggled mind is the happy mind, and the royal road to bogglization is wide, short and toll-free!

Did you understand what you just read? If not, you may be on the way to a delightful, fact-free, highly-boggle-ated inner life!

Enjoy every moment!

I, and I alone, am to blame for the following insights:

If one thing is identical to another, both are identical.

Bottomlessness of glasses, cups and bottles is directly proportional to unfillability.

Never end a sentence abrup

Pure virgin filth is not substantially cleaner than old-fashioned dirt.

What post-mortem smiles lack in warm, they make up for in durability.

The funnier the jokes you make up, the more easily remembered by people who forget they heard them from you first.

The less absurd a politician’s promises, the less likely they’re believed.

The more aimless your path, the more likely you are to get where you don’t mind going.

The shortest distance between two points is another point.

A Day to Forget

Regreta oozed out of bed like a comatose anaconda. The first 24 hours of the morning were her worst.

And so were the last.

She snaked across the floor to the coffee machine under her bed. She splashed a cupful on her blouse - though it would’ve been neater to drink it straight from the cup. Slurping coffee off herself was awkward – especially with a furry tennis ball in her mouth.

The newspapers on the living room ceiling were piled down almost to the floor. Instead of reading them, Regreta read the tea-leaves in her underpants and found the news was really putrid.

What time was it? Unfortunately, her hourglass had bottlenecked as the concrete inside it rock-hardened solid. Thankfully, the loss of precision was more than made up for by the savings on batteries.

As night plumped down its big black rump on the town, Regreta drove her riding rug-mower up to the bar.

What to drink? A bottle of Coke—or just the Coke itself? She was really thirsty!

She drove back to the sofa and took a huge gulp – barely getting the cushions down her gullet.

When the bottle was empty, she marveled how the sofa had fit inside it in the first place. (She was glad she had paid extra for a liquid sofa.)

She snailed toward the bedroom, optimistically considered her body half-full of booze, not half empty. Her strait-jacket fell up from to the ceiling as she crawled into bed. She poured concrete into her nose and mouth to keep the booze from spilling out.

Sleep would come, that was for sure, or maybe even the big sleep. She had made sure not to drink so little gin that she stayed conscious, and passed out before the concrete set. This was important to her; she didn’t want to be in control of herself or appear sane to any one of the thousands of roaches that might observe her.

Sleep did come, the late writhing sun found her at peace. It was the first time she’d made it through the same day twice in one 24-hour period.

qwurky

FACT: there are no "real" lyrics to Beethoven's 5th Symphony nor to a 5th of Jim Beam!

Intestinal gas—the subliminal seducer

Farting ISN’T the same as blowing kisses or smiling seductively. Or merely showing off looks.

No! Farts reflect internal essentials of your essence—the you within you!

So: eat foods that add zest, zap, sizzle and meaning to your personal scent!

This may take patience, practice and persistence.

But remember: aroma wasn’t built in a day!

This sends a message -- but to whom, wherm and whym?

Experience not only teaches us what not to do, but how to find workable methods of doing it too late - although, in the case of the Iraq war on Terror, this, of course does not apply, all other things being equal at this moment in time.

That being said, The Decider is the ultimate judge of whatever I have not said here, which, incidentally, I have neither read nor understood. Clear?

Not to ME!

(And so, the battle for disease-free phone sex continues. The only answer may be smoke signals, pending a congressional inquiry or very surprising breaking news about ENRON.)