Monday, March 22, 2010

Getting OUT of a slump is easy compared to PERFECTING the slump you've got!

If you're going to slump, DO IT RIGHT: scrunch down deep in yourself until there isn't a straight place anywhere in your body!

Study the photo and learn!

(Are you forgetting to slump AT THIS VERY MOMENT?

Yes?

Then start thinking BENT!)

When?

NOW or IMMEDIATELY -- whichever comes first!
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No excess slimness!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Why are they both barefoot?

(Of course it would be REALLY strange if the guy was barefoot and thought I was a  seagull wearing combat boots -- but we're still on earth, not Pluto, so enjoy the fact that you can go around your kitchen naked-footed and nuts -- until your partner gets back home!)

Looks aren't everything!


How to steal really BIG dinnerplates!

Swiping a giant dinner-plate?

Friday, March 19, 2010

A girl speaks her mind about celibacy

Brooding on a bench by the beach

Maybe it's just me, but I prefer to wait until after I'm married to go celibate. Yes, it has a lot to do with my Christian faith and with respect I'll demand from my future husband -- and for myself.

I'd much rather have my husband know that I stay pure during marriage, at least in relation to him.

I get a lot of praise and a lot of criticism, but mostly people don't give a hoot what I do -- though I'm positive my husband will!

Some people say I should give celibacy a try before marriage; they compared it to trying out a new car.

If you don't wait, great -- but I'll wait as long as I have to, right up until my wedding day -- and if I don't get married, then guess I'll be spending a lot of time on my back (or other mutually satisfying positions whatsoever that I can dream up.)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The neighbors contemplate careers in politics

Typical shot of my neighbor-ladies in repose



Honest politicians are rare.
The responsibilities are great.
How many really good men
are up to the task?


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Relishing your Bogglement!

Is this one of your problems?

Most of us slow down mentally as we age. But there’s a world of difference between “just slowing down” and moving into Big League Bogglement – which is, of course, that huge stew of memory-loss, confusion and total muddle we all strive for.

The more questions below that you answer YES to, the better your chances of discarding your old life, advancing into the bogglized one that I, personally, thrive in. The questions:

  • Look for signs of memory loss and language difficulties. Can you trash, dump and frazzle-up words, names of common objects such as your spouse, etc.?

  • Have you been forgetting ever-simpler math, for example - or do your old skills persist and resist?

  • Can you stay unfocussed on an easy-as-lying Dick and Jane conversation even when Jane is out to lunch?

  • Can you act inappropriately as well as you used to? For example, can you still wear your underpants on your head and your cap on your butt at weddings?

  • The boggled mind is the happy mind, and the royal road to bogglization is wide, short and toll-free!

Did you understand what you just read? If not, you may be on the way to a delightful, fact-free, highly-boggle-ated inner life!

Enjoy every moment!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I, and I alone, am to blame for the following insights:

I WON'T lose my head!

If one thing is identical to another, both are identical.

Bottomlessness of glasses, cups and bottles is directly proportional to unfillability.

Never end a sentence abrup

Pure virgin filth is not substantially cleaner than old-fashioned dirt.

What post-mortem smiles lack in warm, they make up for in durability.

The funnier the jokes you make up, the more easily remembered by people who forget they heard them from you first.

The less absurd a politician’s promises, the less likely they’re believed.

The more aimless your path, the more likely you are to get where you don’t mind going.

The shortest distance between two points is another point.

Monday, March 15, 2010

A Day to Forget

Don't FEAR thirst; DROWN it!

Regreta oozed out of bed like a comatose anaconda. The first 24 hours of the morning were her worst.

And so were the last.

She snaked across the floor to the coffee machine under her bed. She splashed a cupful on her blouse - though it would’ve been neater to drink it straight from the cup. Slurping coffee off herself was awkward – especially with a furry tennis ball in her mouth.

The newspapers on the living room ceiling were piled down almost to the floor. Instead of reading them, Regreta read the tea-leaves in her underpants and found the news was really putrid.

What time was it? Unfortunately, her hourglass had bottlenecked as the concrete inside it rock-hardened solid. Thankfully, the loss of precision was more than made up for by the savings on batteries.

As night plumped down its big black rump on the town, Regreta drove her riding rug-mower up to the bar.

What to drink? A bottle of Coke—or just the Coke itself? She was really thirsty!

She drove back to the sofa and took a huge gulp – barely getting the cushions down her gullet.

When the bottle was empty, she marveled how the sofa had fit inside it in the first place. (She was glad she had paid extra for a liquid sofa.)

She snailed toward the bedroom, optimistically considered her body half-full of booze, not half empty. Her strait-jacket fell up from to the ceiling as she crawled into bed. She poured concrete into her nose and mouth to keep the booze from spilling out.

Sleep would come, that was for sure, or maybe even the big sleep. She had made sure not to drink so little gin that she stayed conscious, and passed out before the concrete set. This was important to her; she didn’t want to be in control of herself or appear sane to any one of the thousands of roaches that might observe her.

Sleep did come, the late writhing sun found her at peace. It was the first time she’d made it through the same day twice in one 24-hour period.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Intestinal gas—the subliminal seducer

Eat moderately

Farting ISN’T the same as blowing kisses or smiling seductively. Or merely showing off looks.
No! Farts reflect internal essentials of your essence—the you within you!
So: eat foods that add zest, zap, sizzle and meaning to your personal scent!
This may take patience, practice and persistence.
But remember: aroma wasn’t built in a day!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

This sends a message -- but to whom, wherm and whym?

Correct cell-phone pose

Experience not only teaches us what not to do, but how to find workable methods of doing it too late - although, in the case of the Iraq war on Terror, this, of course does not apply, all other things being equal at this moment in time.

That being said, The Decider is the ultimate judge of whatever I have not said here, which, incidentally, I have neither read nor understood. Clear?

Not to ME!

(And so, the battle for disease-free phone sex continues. The only answer may be smoke signals, pending a congressional inquiry or very surprising breaking news about ENRON.)

Monday, March 08, 2010

Qwurk, in the distant past

This is young qwurky at WORK


My recent photos, if you look at them along with this one prove it:

If you look lousy enough early enough, with age you won't look all that much worse!

Sunday, March 07, 2010

False myth -- or REAL LIE?

The heaviest land mammal? A bikini'd hippo?


You probably thought bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch was just a legend.

So did I -- and what a surprise to find "it" was a girl-like person in a tiny bikini -- excuse the pun -- just a couple feet away from me!

Should I be afraid??

Friday, March 05, 2010

A blank canvas can be worth a thousand pictures

Me, as seen from where I am not

I'm still in the learning process. If you're NOT, maybe you're dead.

Have you checked?

If you ARE dead, please quit reading this -- or at least slow down. Remember the old saying I made up this morning: “If you’re dead, it’s OK to rot, but not to RUSH!”

In my new book, “The Upside of Death”* I explain how easy the dead avoid making idiotic errors – and much, much more you should know if you’re about to croak!

Now the factual crap about my photo: it’s of me in the mirror at a shop called “Vincon” on Paseo de Gracia, in Barcelona, Spain -- but I tried to make the photo look like a painting.

Just thinking: what would have happened if PAINTED my portrait on the Vincon mirror instead of using the trusty Nikon and Photoshop?

*Send for your FREE copy TODAY!

Thursday, March 04, 2010

6 Tips for Luscious Nostrils!

The Nose -- just before it exploded!

A nasal-beauty expert’s super secrets


Nostrils are our face’s finest features: they’re expressive, cute, and useful—and they also keep people from looking straight into your snot. Without nostrils—really—it’d be hard to face your face! All too often however, our nostrils are dry, chapped, cracked and pissed-off. Cold dry winter combined with overheated indoor air robs nostrils of essential moisture, not to mention grease and blackheads.
The main keys to keeping nostrils smooth and healthy involve nostril balm—but many patients confess to an addiction to nostril balm in their quest to alleviate testy, raging and temperamental nostrils. Although at first blush, nostril balm “addiction” seems loony, it’s very real, even to non-psychotics. Our nostrils are lots thinner than the skin that covers our face and body. So: the blood vessels are closer to the skin, and the nostrils warm reddish color which only increases if we apply fluorescent red lipstick on them each morning.
However, besides being thinner than the skin, especially if you’re a rhino, the nostrils have no oil, lipstick or toothpaste glands. So: they get dry and chapped—vulnerability made worse by dry winter air or the habitual application of blow-torch flames. To fight against the resulting inflammatory response and keep nostrils moist, we need to apply moisturizing treatments. Common nostril balms do not possess these healing properties. Sidestepping the problem by removing the nostrils is hardly an option for those whose glasses tend to slide down their snouts!
I have found a formulation rich in chicken grease smoothes the fine lines and wrinkles around the nostrils, helping to keep the nostrils moist and enhancing the nostril’s natural color and fullness. When applied on the skin around the nostrils, this treatment will also help smooth this delicate area, which is real susceptible to thinning of the skin and the augmentation of fine vertical lines that look like crap.
Apply a couple pounds of these antioxidants during the day and before hitting the sack, and increase nostril swelling for a fuller, firmer, balloony look like you wouldn’t believe!
For chapping, try olive oil or axle grease. One of the most important and powerful elements here is found only in extra virgin olive oil, so experienced olives need not apply!
Together, these two formulas moisten nostrils and improve their texture almost immediately, and provide far more benefit than any simple nostril balm can.
Seriously chapped nostrils can be prevented by following a few simple steps:
• Protect and enhance nostrils with an anti-oxidant rich formula.
• Keep your body well hydrated by drinking at least 10 mugs of Jim Beam a day.
• Never lick your nostrils. Saliva dries ‘em out like crazy!
• Do not chew on your nostrils, but never swallow!
• Apply anti-oxidant nostril treatments frequently throughout the day.
• Don’t forget nutritional supplements either, unless you want to be a real klutz. Besides fancy vitamins and ritzy formulas, essential fatty acids in dead fish, flax, and bilge oil are a must—as are my special formula NOSTRILATO EXPENSIVE OINTMENT. Order now!

With the proper care and attention, our nostrils can be smooth, firm and beautiful all year long.
Thank you for reading. As always, I welcome your comments.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Fierce, sweet-as-gumballs kiss

Lips of an imp!

What's the best place to kiss -- in the marketplace or on the mouth?