Hello hello. Gao Yuan is back to writing this blog, which everyone has hopefully forgotten by now. I probably should practise my German or something, but I've always found it slightly pretentious to write in a language that I can hardly speak. That's just me though, let no one feel offended. I think any attempt to practise languages that one is learning is admirable, and I am merely too lazy/resistant to try.

So. Haha. Let's recount everything since the term started, since I think it's definitely time to start recording college life. I don't want everything to go by without a trace. Argh, clearly not writing for a long time destroys one's ability to write. I don't think anyone is going to read this though. I was going to start a new thing, like a lifejournal or something, but didn't really want to fragment myself too much. I also like the livejournal interface less.

Anyway.

My flight departed from Singapore on Friday late night. Everything felt a little surreal, since my stay in Singapore was so short, and because work and studying for GRE took up a lot of time I felt like I hadn't done much else. The presence of a lot of drama (for the first time) in my personal life also made summer particularly exhausting. I finished my internship on Tuesday, packed, met up with a couple people, spent some time with family, and then basically rushed off on Friday. I wish summer were a little longer and more relaxing, but here comes Third Year of college, and I guess I must get used to the fact that my life as a student will be over in two years.

The flight from Singapore to London was uneventful, and started off somewhat less tearfully/depressing-ly than usual. Maybe I am getting accustomed to farewells, or maybe it just hasn't really hit me yet, that I am off to school already, with no prospect of coming home for a full year this time. Watched Borat (=_=) and was starting Atonement when I finally gave up and succumbed to sleep. Woke up something like 10 hours after, I was really tired. Managed to see Slumdog Millionaire before getting off the plane. It was a really good movie, even though I felt really bad for the older-brother-whose-name-I-forget. After all the negative things that everyone spoke and thought about him he made the greatest sacrifice to give the other two people a happy ending. I guess in a way his personality shaped his destiny (as in, between him and the-main-charactr-whose-name-I-also-forget, it was obvious that he had to be the one who lives a turbulent and somewhat screwed up life), yet it felt unfair that he went unmourned and unloved when he'd done so much to take care of his little brother and keep him sheltered from the uglier aspects of life.


***

Saturday:
Arrived in Wien at around 2pm and took a cab to the Studentenheim. Was extremely puzzled afterwards as the Studentenheim is locked, and has no front desk or office where one could made enquiries. Managed to enter the building when a student came back from somewhere, and wandered around aimlessly for a bit. The building seemed to run itself, since no one seemed in charge of anything whatsoever. Eventually asked a student and found Leigh-Ann's room. Received my keys, dropped off my luggages, and then went off immediately to settle my phone card, since I really didn't want to be uncontactable. (As it turns out, my phone works only half the time, so it doesn't really make a difference I guess.) Shopped around in the Billa next to our dorm, and realised that people who do not cook fail at grocery shopping. I never seem to know what I'd want to do with anything, so I've no idea what to buy. Haha I guess it's time to correct this! Like I told T and J I will hopefully impress them with my superior cooking skills by the end of this quarter. Heh.

Most fruits and vegetables here seem really cheap, with 10 apples costing a little more than 1 Euro. Eggs however, are supremely expensive. I refuse to pay for them, but so many things require eggs, I'm not sure if I will be able to do much without. I also realised what a failure it was not to have brought sufficient school supplies (ie notebook, writing paper), since these stuff are equally expensive.

In the evening we had a meeting with Leigh-Ann, and met all the other pre-session people. There are only about 8 of us -- three boys, 5 girls. Talked about various administrative things, and I think I'm making a really prejudiced remark here, but I felt like quite a few people were really American -- Calorie conscious, feeling really surprised/shocked that things were not done in a particular way. It's a strange mentality of assuming that things would always be as they are in the States and then realising that they are not. I certainly haven't seen as much of the world as I would like to, but I have learnt to stay open and accept things as they are, instead of making too many assumptions. I can't express this properly, and I realise it sounds extremely tactless. Maybe this is meant for a private journal really, instead of a blog.

Sunday:
A few of the girls went out to explore the city area. I was a little lazy somehow, and didn't feel like going. So ended up sitting around in my room, watching Japanese Drama, unpacking, talking to my Spanish roommate, and failing to cook decent instant pasta. (Yes, instant pasta. I am really horrible at this.)

Monday:
In the morning we went to the University together to take the placement test. After a lot of fumbling and guessing in the dark, was somehow placed in the M2, which is the 6th level here. I don't really understand how they made the judgement, but people have a tendency to overestimate my German abilities after I tell them that I have studied the language for five years. In reality my ability to listen is abysmal and my ability to speak is almost nil. I read only marginally reasonably, and write in a way that breaks all rules of Grammar. Rebecca, who speaks pretty fluently and seems a lot more at ease with the language than I am, was placed in the same level. I really don't understand how these things work, but I am hoping to learn something at the end of the three weeks, so that I will be able to at least carry out a half-way decent conversation without breaking into embarrassed (and embarrassing) pauses too often.

After the test we all had lunch together with Poldi, Leigh-Ann and Daniel (Leigh-Ann's boyfriend). It felt kind of cool, sitting together in the school yard, eating schnitzel, drinking sturm, and talking about a variety of random subjects, with the sunlight filtering down and a slight breeze blowing. It's the kind of scene that they would put on a study-abroad brochure and I almost wanted to take a picture, but managed to control myself. I ordered Groestl (after contemplating Cordon-Bleu), which turned out to be an interesting mixture of potatoes, dough, leek and bits of bacon. It was pretty good, but extremely heavy (especially cause of the bacon) so I gave up halfway. Afterwards we went to the Naschmarkt, and were impressed by the pretty looking groceries. Went to a Chinese market afterwards, and bought some supplies that would come in extremely handy if I had 1) a rice cooker and 2) a bowl.

Tuesday:
First day of class. Almost everyone in my class hails from somewhere in Europe. There's Czech republic, Poland, Italy, Finland. Maybe a couple of people from Venezuela or some other south American place. I'm the only so-called native English speaker I think, and definitely the only Asian. Everyone seems pretty nice, but also extremely capable of carrying out conversations in German. I'm a little intidmidated I guess, even though I understood everything that was going on in class. It's a strange situation, of being somewhat at that level, but not really. I feel like I do know some of this, and when people bring it up in class it kind of comes back to me a little. On the other hand there is so much that I completely don't know. I'm not entirely sure how out of my depth I'm feeling, but I hope this feeling wears off after a while, and I can stop smiling politely and nodding when people talk to me, and instead manage to say something sensible in return. Maybe if I work really hard I will one day be able to converse with the others without referring to my dictionary every 10 minutes and gesturing wildly in between.

Unrelatedly, during the morning introduction the director's speech (which was in German) was translated into French, English and Japanese by three of the teachers. It's strange watching an European person speak Japanese, even though she had the correct Asianish accent. I suppose my speaking German is equally incongruous. Hahaha.

Wednesday:
After desperately trying to talk to a Czech guy about QinShiHuang and his terracotta warriors in German, I wandered around randomly with the Venezuela(n?) guy after class. I can never really understand his German, for some reason, and it makes me feel extremely apologetic and impotent when I smile at him and keep going hmm? hmm? wie bitte? I'm sure the problem lies with me, because everyone else seems to understand him perfectly, and I think I can't understand when people speak too quickly or with an accent. =_= Anyway we wandered towards the Sprachzentrum, and ran into a bunch of kids from the class above us. Somehow we sat down and started hanging out with them as well as their Deutschlehrer. It was a strange situation, since everyone around me was speaking quite fluent German, and I didn't know anyone to begin with. Spoke to a couple of kids, and was asked to listen to Pirates of the Caribbean music when I said I was from Singapore. Ran into Samantha afterwards, and got away a little thankfully. I am so conflicted haha. I'm sure if I hung out with German speakers all the time I might get better, but then I need to practise with people who are nearer my level, rather than people who speak really fast and whom I feel unable to interrupt to ask simple (and silly) questions like wie sagt man das auf Deutsch?

So Samantha and I wandered around afterwards, to the synagogue, which looked amazingly nondescript and just like a regular building. We also explored the surrounding area, and had lemonade and apfelstrudel in Haas&Haas. Haha. Afterwards we wandered around a weird festival of sorts that was taking place in front of the Nationalbibliothek.


***


Have been super tired everyday, probably due to remnants of jet-lag, and the fact that we wander outside everyday until 8 or 9pm before coming home. Have been completely unable to do any work, and tend to wake up in the morning to rush them... which probably doesn't help me very much. Today I'm supposed to get work done early actually, but I have managed to waste a whole afternoon just sitting around surfing the net, talking to people and falling asleep for an hour or so.

Time to hit the pennymarkt to look for a bowl. =_= Will update more later. Haha I wish there were more Asian people here. Despite my best effort I wish I could hear the familiar language sometimes and share experiences based on common context. Making cool European contacts is all very well. But I am a little half-hearted, and very slow to warm up to people. As a result I sometimes wish that I could be sharing this experience with people who are closer to my heart.

好久好久没有来这里了。
也许大家已经把它忘了吧。
这样也好 也许这样我就可以比较无所顾忌。

最近开始听王菲的歌。
好多好棒的歌词 以前都没有领会到。
也可能是没有特别注意吧。
好像长大了 听的歌也会不一样哦。呵。


***


当时我们听着音乐
还好我忘了是谁唱 谁唱
当时桌上有一杯茶
还好我没将它喝完 喝完

谁能告诉我 要有多坚强
才敢念念 不忘

当时如果留在这里
你头发已经有多长 多长
当时如果没有告别
这大门会不会变成 一道墙

有甚麽分别
能够呼吸的 就不能够放在身旁

看 当时的月亮
曾经代表谁的心 结果都一样
看 当时的月亮
一夜之间化做今天的阳光

谁能告诉我 哪一种信仰
能够让人念念 不忘

回头看 当时的月亮
曾经代表谁的心 结果都一样
看 当时的月亮
一夜之间化做今天的阳光

当时如果没有甚麽
当时如果拥有甚麽 又会怎样


<< 当时的月亮 [王菲]


***


要过年了啊。

I'm sitting in the law library trying to get started on my Economics problem set. It's kind of cold outside, and almost pitch dark already, even though it's only 5.28pm. Bach's prelude and fugue number 1 in C major is playing in my ears. Maybe I will switch to Faye Wong soon. Haha.

Autumn quarter is almost at its end, and I have not blogged but once. Blogging has its momentum, and I guess not-blogging does too. It's not even because I have been extraordinarily busy. I just don't feel the compulsion to write down anything anymore. I am becoming old and numb and stonified. Haha.

Nonetheless I think this quarter has been a pretty happy one. On one hand it's true that the novelty of college life has pretty much worn off; on the other hand I feel a lot more at home and comfortable. I'm no longer trying so hard, and am just kind of going along with the flow of things. I am also less affected by a lot of things, not sure if that's good or not.

I don't know what else to say. Not writing has certainly taken away my ability to write. I wonder if it's because I have really done nothing, or because my brain cells have mostly perished from sleep deprivation, but when I think back on the past few weeks I feel as though nothing particularly exciting has transpired. I wish I could stay 5 years old forever. Haha. I miss being extremely happy and sad over the most ridiculous things. At least I was capable of feeling happy and sad. Nowadays it seems that most of the time I just feel vaguely stoned.

All rightie. It's time to curb my incoherence and get on with my Econ problem set! My grades this quarter are not looking particularly optimistic, so it's time to start working harder! ^^;;

好久好久 没有写下任何文字了
开学之后一直很忙
上课 做功课 考试 和同学出去玩
很少有时间
安静下来 好好地去想一些事情

这是我的理由 也是我的借口

这次回来
没有了去年的新鲜感
对于这里的一切 熟悉了 习惯了 渐渐开始麻木
不再像去年一样
有着那么多 风花雪月的心情

虽然还是寂寞 却不再难受
还是对未来感到迷惘 却不会再因此而感叹。


我想我还是长大了
对于许多事情的想法 变得很实际
将来准备做什么样的工作 寒假 暑假 有什么打算
除了念书 还应该做一些什么

我一直都希望可以成为
很理智 很有理想 很清楚自己要什么的人
现在的自己
终于开始思考这些了
很好 很好。


但是
少了以前那些孩子气的幻想
和单纯莫名的快乐 悲伤
心里似乎空了许多

这样的感觉不太好
但也没有很不好
只是有些盲目
有些疲惫

有些 淡淡地难过的感觉

想念那些
会一边看书或听歌 一边哭出来的日子
想念那些
不切实际的梦

常常想起上中学的时候
每天都很认真地写作业
跟同学有说不完的话
弹钢琴 陪奶奶学国画 在朋友的生日 买木制相框回来 花一整夜的时间上色
虽然都是一些鸡毛蒜皮的小事
却总是用尽了所有的心思
投入了所有的感情

长大了
整个人的颜色似乎都变淡了。

我不知道自己想要说什么
生活上的一些琐事
似乎不值得记录
但除此之外
再也没有什么了

甚至连以前会让我又哭又笑的
爱情
都好像离我很远。


我想我大概是老了

呵。

想问你是不是 还记得我名字
当人海涨潮 又退潮几次
那些年 那些事
那一段 疯狂热烈浪漫日子
啊 恍如隔世

你来过一下子 我想念一辈子
这样不理智 是怎么回事
才快乐一阵子
为什么 我却坚持那一定是
我最难忘的事

越过 高山和海洋 喜悦和哀伤
不是不孤单
幸好 曾有你温暖的心房
还亮着你留下的光

你闪耀一下子 我晕眩一辈子
真像个傻子 真不好意思
可是我 在当时
真以为 你拥抱我的方式是
承诺的暗示

经过人来和人往 期盼和失望
我依然还孤单
幸好曾为你流泪的眼眶
还亮著爱来过的光

这些年 这些事 一下子 一辈子
你都度过了 怎样的日子
请答应一件事
如果说 我能再见你一次
请让我看到的

还是

你那灿烂的样子


<< 光 [刘若英]

虽然我们总是说一些
友谊长存
之类的话

但是有些事情
随着时间的流逝
会不可避免地
慢慢被淡忘

所以 让我写下这些

这样
就算我已回忆不起你的面孔
我还是能记起
你的友好 你的真诚 你的热情 你给我的感动。


十七天的旅程
说长不长 说短也不短
从一开始的陌生和拘束
到分别那天早上的泪水和依依不舍
虽然我和你们许多人还不是太熟
但是我们毕竟一起经历了许多

在客车上睡得东倒西歪
在大太阳底下迅速地参观不同景点
听讲座时 总是不小心合上了眼
围成一桌吃饭时 用包筷子的纸做成玩 杀人 的签
挤在火车走道里聊天打牌
拍合照时总会因为汗水的味道和不很新鲜的空气 有几乎窒息的感觉
在车上用各种不同的声调大声合唱团歌
在酒店的电梯间 积极努力地排练节目
最后一夜快乐的疯狂

虽然我们很多人之间
并没有太多的交流
但我们已经是朋友了
因为我们曾经为了同一件事情 同一个人
快乐 担心 失落

谢谢你们 为我 为彼此
为了我们的集体所做的一切。


更难忘的是你们

泉清小朋友的可爱
秦然的热心和大方
海宁的贴心 纯粹 与真诚

丝丝的聪明
刘丹的直率
致俞哥哥的包容
jessica的友善
一越的搞笑和成熟

还有 许多许多。


一路上 常常感到疲惫 无聊
因为要穿讨厌的制服 无止境地拍合照 而不断地埋怨
更由于感冒发烧而想家

然而到了最后几天
心情却完全不一样了
虽然还没有离开 却已经开始想念和你们一起的时光

从club回来的深夜
望着昏黄的路灯
突然意识到
第二天一早就要出发了
我们只剩下最后的几个小时
不想睡 不想走
想要就这样
闹着 笑着 玩着无聊的游戏

我们才刚刚开始了解彼此
怎么就要分别了呢

不知道要怎样结束这篇写了很久
但还是词不达意的日志

不管你们现在在哪里
希望你们一切安好
希望我们会有再见的机会
希望你偶尔想起我的时候 会像我想起你时一样

会想念 会微笑。

Hello hello.

I'm home.

Flew back on Friday evening, and have spent the weekend sleeping, catching up with various people, and watching soccer. Speaking of soccer, I was quite heartbroken last night when Germany lost in the Euro Cup finals to Spain. I must say however, that Spain was definitely the stronger team. Nonetheless it was still heartbreaking. But World Cup will be in two years! I hope Ballack, Frings, and Klose will still be on the team then. And I will continue to cheer for the Mannschaft.

I need to start packing again soon, since I will be flying on Tuesday morning. Of course I'm not going back to school already. Will be going to Hong Kong instead, followed by areas of China (most of which are apparently flooding right now -_-). I will be meeting lots of people I don't know, and will get to see parts of China that I have never seen before. Yet I don't really feel excited right now. Because being a person with great inertia I have no desire to leave home again after spending just one weekend here. I still remember the glad anticipation I felt when I was on the plane from Heathrow. Finally I can stop rushing around and being tired and "independent". But here I am again. It's time to pick up my suitcase and run away. It's time to socialise with random people and try to project a friendly and likeable image. Eck. I don't feel ready at all.

I will be back again on 17th July. Till then, have a great summer everyone! I'll see all of you soon. ^^