I am heartbroken. again. it's that dull aching feeling. it's back.

you didn't even drop a text to say hi. not a word that mentioned you were here. I only knew from another.

am I really that unimportant to you? I must have imagined every single thing from the start. to say there even exists a friendship? I really must be dreaming.

I promised myself this time I would not give in. I would not be the first to text. I would just wait and see what happens. and I guessed right, you were "too busy", or that's what I'm telling myself.

there will always be an excuse. if I truly ever meant something, you would have made time for me. of course it's all just wishful thinking.

I guess it's good that it's happening this way as it's supposed to be. but it still hurts. give it time and the feelings will fade away. best outcome for everyone.

many years have gone by, mostly uneventful, other days documented on Facebook. it's easier there, and more people see it. this is kept to myself, but it's interesting how people still do chance upon this blog.

sigh.

seems like I'm in a similar situation. or I think I am. it's never been explicitly spelled out, not here, not anywhere. but reading my previous posts...it's pretty likely.

there was profound sadness after I met you that day. an inexplicable sense of heartbreak. seeing you used to make me smile, but this time somehow broke me instead.

you were the first I told but still accepted my shortcomings. you listened and advised, cared for me. which obviously made me think too much. it's probably just the way you are, impartial and the actions didn't have other meaning. but me being me had to have a hundred thoughts running through my mind.

and the scenario had played out in a different way...I was afraid. of how I would respond. even though deep down I desperately wanted to, I managed to practice restraint. would I have felt better if I had done it though?

perhaps it's just how I think. reading between nonexistent lines. wanting to feel an emotional connection to another. being surrounded but still isolated. and when they come along you're just drawn to them. a feeling that can't be explained.

then when you follow through, is when you get yourself into trouble...

but based on past experiences, this too shall pass. do I want it to? of course not. but that's probably why I felt the way I feel.

it's a silent goodbye.

then the resilient heart will once again mend and heal, but after each time it's never the same. you would hope the lessons learnt help but sometimes the stubbornness doesn't disappear.

I just hope it's not going to lead to any regrets.

it's time to get back to reality.

it's time to move on.

at the end of the day I think I am not that special after all. no matter what I think, I am just another person. another stranger on the street, or at most an acquaintance.

all those time spent pondering...

I always seem to overthink things. perhaps I do have valid reasons to do so. what if, I wasn't unavailable? what if, I decided to go for it even if it wasn't the right thing to do? but what if, it was only just in my mind...?

the consequences may be unthinkable...

so as I stare at the screen in loneliness, somewhat disappointed that I am not "special", I wonder what was I thinking in the first place. what am I doing......

...that I remember this place exists and I come back here. because this is where I can really be myself, a place where I can say what I want to say.

life so far has been...okay. happiness in the sense of family progress, stable income, not many things to worry about. but everything has its ups and downs, we just hope for more ups than downs.

tonight was a disappointing night. disappointed in myself, disappointed in my abilities. did I do something wrong? is it because I am spending too much time at work? am I neglecting the kids? is that why he prefers his caregiver over me?

it hurt me so badly to see him calm down in her arms...

I don't know how it will go on from here. continue down the same road and there is no turning back. the older one sticks like glue to me - how do I shake her off so I can divide my attention to the one in question?

so the sadness and low mood follows...

and then there is you. why did you appear? where did you come from? what am I supposed to make of this? when did it all happen so sudden? who are you that you would listen? how will I carry on?

whatever it is, I am still thankful for tonight. thank. you.

let us see how everything works out. then I can look back here and say - this was the situation, I am glad it turned out well.

how do you explain this feeling?

losing someone who's not even close to you and whom you barely know.

it's not even your fault, or is it? would going there have made any difference? it would most likely have done nothing to change the outcome, but maybe it would not have been your fault then.

but it's too late now.

it's gone.

when looking back you can see now how being there may have been better.

why did you not think that it was urgent enough to drop everything and go? there were other excuses...? and it seemed that everyone else had their own reasons of not being able to go either. you should have consulted earlier.

but no, you didn't.

then it was too late.

no one knows what you're feeling. to them, it's just something that happened. why do you feel so bad about it?

now you have to face the consequences. will they blame you for not being there? despite everything, their repeated asking and your repeated persuasions against it. the unintended delay is most likely the last straw.

will you ever be able to face them now? will they ever come back to see you? and what will they say?

feeling like all the blame is on you. YOU.

you are the boss here...and you let them down.

YOU LET THEM DOWN.

when they trusted you, you broke your promise.

the standard of care - poor.

what kind of service provider is that then?

how will the next person feel if they knew about this? will they even come here in the first place? and what will they be thinking when they meet YOU?

you are such a disappointment.



sometimes I just don't want to do this anymore.

just wanted to make a note here to remember this day.

not going to elaborate much, but don't want to forget this!

today wraps up another year...2013, gone just like that.

what happened this year? hmm. not much...work, work, work...can't recall much, just the mundane things. problem with not blogging is that memories all disappear just like that. plus not that active on Facebook either, so where has all the time gone?

am hoping for 2014...

- that business will pick up at work (need to do more work for that to happen!)
- that my family will be healthy, especially the old folks
- that I will not be moved easily by emotions
- that I will love more and complain less
- that there will be an expansion of not just the 2 of us :)

grateful for this past year and cheers to a better year ahead!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014 TO ONE AND ALL!

why is it so painful to let go? especially of something that means so much to you? even when it wasn't meant to be anything more than just that...why does it still feel as though you were being hurt so badly? and the worse part is that only YOU know the pain, and YOU feel the hurt...

no one else knows...

it's so difficult, to be put in that situation where you don't really want to be, although part of you wanted it. no expectations, no strings attached - is anything in the world like that EVER?

what an emotional liability...

if only it didn't have to be this way. if only you could run into a world of your own. no cares, nobody to think about. maybe things would have been different? but reality isn't beautiful. life isn't pretty. there are ups and downs. there are troubles along the way. and most importantly, there are REGRETS.

it is better to extinguish the flames before the candle is fully lit...

so since my last post, was back in Singapore for a bit..."worked" while there, actually more of having a look around, didn't really DO much. but it was a good trip back as hadn't been back for...10 or 11 months? good to be back with family, even for a brief while.

but was somewhat disappointed as well...

every time I take a holiday, I feel the reluctance to go back to work...

I honestly hate conflict. how do you remain calm when someone is saying something that is not what the situation is like? or putting it in a way that makes you look bad? and THEY have their own opinions and that THEY are right?

maybe that's what it's like when you are the manager. people come to complain to YOU. when your staff cannot handle it, it's YOUR responsibility. no matter what, it's YOUR fault. even if it is miscommunication.

it's my fault. even though I myself have not done anything wrong. and I cannot explain myself well...making them think that I'm crap and that I'm opposing them. I'm sorry, I really am, I don't mean to act like I know it all. even though it is not my fault. it's not my fault...

there are really times I wish I wasn't in this position and I didn't have to deal with these sort of things. honestly. sometimes I'm just tired of it all. as I've mentioned before, why can't it just be simple? and why can't people just get along with everyone? I don't deal with conflict well at all...

upset at the world.

no one comes here to read my blog anymore. guess it's because I've been MIA in the blogsphere for SUCH a long time...

anyway, I think blogging has its merits. looking back at the last few posts published before I stopped blogging takes me back to the times when I was struggling in the hospital work environment. should have blogged more. I really enjoy reading what I have written. some don't have much detail, but it's the thoughts that were going through my mind at those times...THAT is what I find interesting to read now. and I can tell that I've grown somewhat more mature over the years...

well. there is nothing REALLY exciting going on in my life right now. really just living day to day. it's not that my job isn't exciting...but I can't really go around talking about my patients - it's a small small world and it's better to keep quiet than saying something and regretting it later. some things can be talked about though (I think), just not personal or medical stuff.

the past 2 weeks has been rather "exciting" though, I must say. finally got to meet my Singapore colleagues after 1 year plus of working at the clinic!

the SMART team with our representation of what our team stands for!

we also went to tour the Royal Palace! fun times with Singaporeans!

anyway, that's about it for today. I've got quite a bit of work to do but haven't quite yet got around to doing it. let's see what tomorrow brings...

one week...that's how long it took for everything to be over. pretty fast isn't it? I guess there wasn't anything to it in the first place, that's why it didn't last...

but I'm still thinking...and wondering. in another circumstance, things would probably be different. if there was another chance, I may have grabbed it. I suppose I'm still glad in a way that this happened...it's really nice to know that one can stir up another in such a way...

happiness, sadness, confusion...

one day in the future I'll look back on this and remember...

do you believe in fate? that some things happen because it was meant to be?

why are feelings sometimes so complicated? and why do some people have feelings in some situations?

thoughts are everywhere these few days. feeling overwhelmingly emotional. going from happy to sad, to happy again. things at work, things at home...just little things here and there.

if only life was simple, the choices that you make didn't have consequences, and all you needed was to be happy. happy. is that too hard a request to make?

how can one person influence your life and emotions so much?

it's been more than a year since I last blogged. just getting the feeling of wanting to blog again. somewhere to jot down things that happen...

life is passing by and I'm living each moment, mostly not remembering much. sometimes some amazing/awesome thing happens and I think to myself, "I should take note of that, it's something I should not forget!"...but that episode passes just as quickly as the previous exciting thing that happened.

I guess there's also some things better written than spoken...

since the last time, I've gotten a job (worked for more than a year already!), but that's about it. nothing much else has happened. in the past few months the Cambodian economy's been somewhat unstable due to the elections. then again, politics comes with its up and downs. just hoping things will settle down soon and the country remains peaceful and stable.

that's all for now I guess. once I start blogging I seem to be at a loss for words...

it's not to be, what this is. naive? innocent? really?



don't ask, don't tell.

wow it was quite a few months ago that I posted anything on this blog! kinda stopped blogging and recording my life down recently but rather I'm just living it.

well, things have changed a lot over this period and might change even more in the next few months. living the temporary life of a nomad, with no permanent settlement. enjoying life but also worrying about what to do! hmm.

so an update...

- I've left NZ, stayed in Singapore for a month, and now I'm living in Cambodia.
- I'm no longer single! woohoo! ;)
- I'm semi-jobless.
- my future is somewhat uncertain...

somehow I don't see the need to blog. maybe I live a different life now. do I still need to tell the world what is going on? no, not really. what is my motive for blogging? I'm not sure. I have someone to talk to everyday, and I don't think much about other stuff.

living the simple life.

I shall return maybe when things change or if I get back into the mood of blogging..

p.s. it's interesting how people still come by my blog quite often! thanks for visiting although there's nothing new in here most of the time! :)