dreams...

Someone had a weird dream she told me about. Some dream that apparently only I'm able to fulfill. Suffice to say, it's something that won't happen because it's not economically viable. Then again, we should be thankful that some dreams won't come true, because the world woulda be some weird shit if it DID happen.

I've had dreams/nightmares about being assraped recently. I think it may have something to do with the wine. But it really wasn't that strong. Really.

Ergh. I have class. The first day at uni is proving really really weird. I'm going back and taking a long long long long long long nap. I hate changing units. Swt.

grander day out...

Okay, so I woke up at 8. And again at 9. And at 10. Kim couldn't get a train until, like, erm, 10.30. Cut a long story short, got on a bus, then got on another bus then reached Chadstone Mall. For an Australian mall, it's huge. But for a Malaysian, kecik saje...

Got there, had lunch. Fish and chips isn't what it used to be. That done, walked around randomly. Kim got this yellow thing. Strange. Weird thing. I have NO idea what it is. And I found ONE Swiss Flame. But it had a bent blade. Like, what the fuck? A bent Victorinox? C'est impossible! And found this nice collection of stainless steel rings, but at 25 a pop, I think I'll get them as notes. Like, for each subject I pass, or stuff like that.

I was just thinking to myself. Why are people so uncomfortable standing in front of shelves like these:



Hmm, dinner was an interesting blend of bacon wrapped chicken and garlic butter and leftover spaghetti (still good), finished with a slightly overpowering red wine. Nice. There was pizza and chicken wings for supper.

Oh, Evon. Here's for you:



Okay, now for the nail polish remover...

grand day out...

Okay, fine. Not really. But I had fun today, in a lackadaisical (what's up with that word anyway? It doesn't mean anything!) manner.

Woke up at 10. I sat up with a start, trying to remember if there was any orientation thing going on. Realised there wasn't. So I stayed in my jammies (which are really cool looking boarder shorts and black tee, if you're wondering) and did a little Warcraft 3 out of boredom. Eventually, I reached a point where it made no sense trying to play anymore, and it was almost 12.

Just to make sure that I wasn't wasting my time at home, I walked to campus to see if there really was anything going on. Turns out, there wasn't. Except these two Hindu monks (one was white, something about these Anglos that makes them like Eastern religion so much) gave me a book on scientific reincarnation theory. Should be interesting how they plan to convince me. Otherwise, nothing interesting. So I bought a pie and some lemonade, sat down, munched through in like 2 minutes and walked off.

Got back, was planning on just dropping off stuff, but it was really hot today, so I stayed in. Finished the Orc campaign, then sat around. Charlene (from next room) asked me to follow them for tennis, so I did. Her friend Mike picked me and her sister Charmian up, and went to the city. Haha, sat in a Merc C class. Very small car la...

Went into the city, got up to this hugeass corporate building. We met another friend of them there, if I recall, a Kelvin. Or Calvin. Or something. Got us into the building. Right at the top. Met his girlfriend, Ping. At the end of the game, we had sent basically 5 out of 6 balls off the top of the building, 3 were mine. I suck at tennis.

Went to dinner at this Laksa King. Quite accurate to Malaysian standards, the boss-lady looked like she was from Ipoh. Didn't sound Penang, which probably explains why the soup was a tad off. Still, acceptable. After that, they wanted some dessert, so went back to the heart of the city to this Chinese joint. Red Silks or something like that. Apparently the food there sucked but the banana fritters (goreng pisang la...) were good. I had me a green lemon tea, they had the fritters and stuff.

Got home, got this in the email.



My brother drew that before bedtime last night. That's a picture of the family. I'm in the plane, and the small boy is crying cuz he doesn't know where his 'ko ko' is. Wow.

I had a few things I was going to say. Something soulful and stuff, but decided that it's a bit late for philosophy. Just to summarize: I met three people today; two short buff guys, a tennis playing lady, decided that I still don't particularly like laksa, banana fritters and roti canai are too expensive here, I should have brought my camera, I like the 6111, my brother is a complex kid, and I look cute when I'm lost.

Meeting Kim tomorrow. Whee.

people...

After today, it's confirmed that they make life more interesting. It's the beautiful people that I'm beginning to hate...

tooled...

Sometimes, don't take things so literally. Still, it's interesting to note that there are people who are worried about me, but even more interesting to see that there are more people who apparently have a lack of better reading materials. Nothing to say to that.

Today marks a week since I've been gone. From a social point of view, that's not exactly due for a few hours since I only really left late. Which is more like the next day, but technicalities overruled. Or something like that.

Did a few things today, I suppose. Paid the fees. If anything, don't want to be encumbered, whatever that means. Took a long walk the campus. The air is like hoar frost. Cuttingly crisp, refreshing and depressing, breaks as it binds together. The library around me is vast, and this is only one of three on campus. I don't know how the floors actually can hold up this much paper (and you'd be surprised how much paper weighs). Trying to get a health card ready, but since I have no idea what documents to do, that will have to wait.

Otherwise, all other situations are under control. Waiting till 3 to go back because there's some guy there spraying the house. Lunch was a weird tandoori chicken sandwich with raw spinach. Spinach stalks are tasteless and kinda remind me of chewing grass.

I've been reading around, and I'm ALMOST at the point where I regret not having a best friend. Yes, I've had, and have, many good friends. Close, even. But there's no real substitute for a best friend. You know the classical definition. The one like children have. It's like an iPod, in a sense, this best friend. You can keep your backup data in it freely. Anytime you want, it's ready to amuse you. The only thing it requires is that you attend to it regularly enough to keep the batteries charged, and even if you leave it, you can somehow still come back and it will play music for you.

I have many close friends. Friends who I'd tell a lot of things. But none befitting a best friend title. At least, I don't think so. Don't feel insulted. I do not give out such titles easily. For me, BEING a friend means I'll treat you as how I'd only expect a best friend to treat me.

I've been too clingy. Maybe that's why I don't keep friends for long. Then again, when I don't want company that badly, I don't want company at all. It's sad, in a way. Both approaches yield the same result. I've got good friends, those that I keep at a safe distance. But the moment I try getting close, it's gone. Or when I walk a bit further, they walk off. It's things like that.

Some people were meant to love. Some people, like me, were meant to live alone. They say no man is an island. Well, some of us are peninsulas. We're only thinly connected to the rest of the world. Vast expanses of cold water is still our best friend.

And in a way, that's good.

everything's insane...

I tell you, I must be fucking crazy to have actually looked forward to this sort of beginning. Yes, I know, things will get better later when I have friends and get fucking used to things. That's not the fucking point. The point is that I anticipated a more impressive start. Somewhat of a professional finish. And somehow, writing this feels extremely of the deja vu sort. And what the fuck is up with that word/s, eh? Deja. Vu. Ape la.

Tried walking to Clayton town this afternoon. It's far. Like, walking from my house in USJ 5 to Giant. And do exactly what I'd do in Giant. Buy groceries. And what's worse, there is only ONE fucking butcher. And that fucking butcher was fucking closed!!! So I had Indomie instead of pepper soup. Still, I have the carrots, the potatoes, tomatoes, garlic, and the pepper. Nice. Let's see if tomorrow is any better. Mwahahaha.

I tell you, I'll seriously like need a fucking car soon. Or at least a bike. Walking to uni each morning is going to suck all the life out of me. Soon, orgasms will have no appeal, as they rarely do when you're flat out fatigued. I'm seriously out of shape, and soon, I'll have no shape, if my caloric intake matches the caloric output. It's too inconvenient to cook for myself if it's just one meal, so if the prices are too fucking high, I don't fucking eat. That said, there's this Malaysian food place right outside my house that's quite good, but a bit too pricey for my liking. Still, if I'm going to take currency conversion into every damned thing I spend, I might as well chew my own ass off. Fat has many calories indeed.

I like the air here. Somehow, even I find myself cute in this air, especially with the windblown hair and stuff. Heheh. If only I was shorter (not THAT kind of short la, stupid perves...) then I'd look REALLY cute. Right now, a bit too tall to project that kind of impression. Oh well. Guess that being absolutely gorgeous to get starstruck chicks to do my homework is not an option. Hmm, in retrospect, I look freaky rather than cute. Erk.

In the student directory, apparently there's a gay, lesbian and bisexual society. Cool.

I'm so bored. Tomorrow, I'll try to get Kel to bring me around. Mwahahaha.

Meh.

travelogue...

Travelling anywhere in the world is not as simple as it may seem. Even less so if it's your first time alone. And further less so if you happen to be in a blur blur blur mode.

I just got back from a grocery run with Auntie May. The stuff should tide me over for awhile. Trying not to spend any money if possible, but I don't think it is, hehe.



The airport was particularly crowded. And I was especially blur. Sigh. I guess that subconciously, I wasn't all that ready for this after all.



The trip here was extremely daunting, although that hadn't particularly occured to me at the time. For me, it literally was just going to school. But now that I'm actually here, it's a bit different.



They say that feeling homesick is normal. For me, it's like home-nausea. I miss my room on a level that I personally think is insane. I miss home like I could fracture. And at the same time, I'm feeling perfectly at ease. What the fuck...



A friend joked with me that since I was flying on Valentine's, I'd probably sit next to some cute chick and probably get to do some frisky stuff. Yeah. Right.



The funny thing about airline food is that it generally sucks. I don't see why it should though. So much effort is put into getting it ready, it's strange that it should taste any worse. After all, we use the same cooking methods on the ground. Maybe air pressure has got something to do with it.



Still, at least it's cooked food. I'm seriously hoping that the new kitchen gets done soon. I wanna move my stuff to more permanent locations. All this waiting is fucking infuriating. Ergh. In the mean time, I'll be spending a lot of time in my room.

out here...

It hasn't begun to sink in yet that I'm actually alone now. It still feels that I'm on vacation, and the idea that I'm actually going to have to live like this for at least another year is a bit daunting. Fees are due, and I think I'm likely to run out of cash soon. 10 grand isn't alot when you already owe like 3k. I have nil starting cash. Oh well. Things will be fixed.

Loneliness is setting in. I suppose. Still, the Sees are a nice family, and although the legal issues are extremely frustrating (READ: formal) I SHOULD get along well.

Now there's a ton of things to start doing. There's not a lot of time left in the day, so I should really get started.

The documenting of yesterday's events will have to be done later. Who knows?

I think I'm starting to miss everyone. Then again, there are people here that will become family soon enough. Damn. I hate all this phase things.

Sigh.

P.S. Connection here is SLIGHTLY (yah, right) sucky.

of all the ways...

...of feeling bad, I never thought this would be one of it.

In all my years, I'd never think for once that receiving big fat angpows could make me feel so terrible. I guess that getting amounts in the Ks from people who I know need it more for themselves rather than some less than deserving, and usually ungrateful, brat. Sigh. Ah Mah just gave my dad five thousand in cash for me. That was the thickest wad of 50s I've seen in a long time. But no, can't accept that.

Sigh sigh sigh. Also never thought I could miss people so much. It reminds me alot about something else that happened, but different in the sense that the distance is a lot greater, and almost all oppurtunity to see them again is sufficiently diminished.

For the friends I won't be seeing, I suppose I have a few words of thanks:

Veevs. Knew you from Miss Teng's. No, I don't think she's in business anymore. Didn't quite know you well from those early early early early days, but strangely it's only towards the last few years that we could actually talk logically. Hah! Right. Still don't make sense. Still, I hope I've been useful (right lah...) and if anything, that I've shown there's more to life than straighforwardness (wah, bangga sendiri lah ni). You've been most amusing, at the least, and quite a good confidante and if anything, a chat buddy.

D. Well, D because you're called David by your regular buddies and Darien with your chosen friends. If anything, it's been an interesting walk near your shoes. you have an interesting room, I must admit. You were quite different from how I pictured you to be initially, and yet every bit the same. A rare intellect you are, and I'm grateful to our mutual friend Stan for the intro. I must honestly say, it was the April 4th 2004 entry that really got me fascinated. Too bad it's no longer around. You've been exceptionally good to me, more so than what I could ask for. Thanks.

Evans. Haven't seen you as much as I'd liked. But when you were around, you were a great friend. Learnt a lot from you. Quite intriguing view of life you have, made me notice a few things. Hope I've shared useful things with you. Your availability was great, hope you don't mind all that chauffering in the earlier part of last year. Hope my being there (which isn't worth much) can compensate, lolz. You're a great baker, keep it up. My mom will still buy from you, just call.

Pri. Aiya, all the random kinkiness. Didn't know you so interesting if not I would have gotten to know you a lot better a lot sooner. You made a good dance partner, and most definitely an interesting one. Thanks for the stolen goods. You make a reliable yum char kaki. Mwahahah. I still have your orange box. Swt.

Ry. Form 3 was an interesting year. We didn't share much, but the little we did convinced me I'm not that retarded when it comes to social attunement. I'm still a bit scared of your driving, lolz, but you sure would make a good driver, mwahahah! Thanks for everyting.

Zhao. Dah lama kenal dah. I remember there used to be a time when I was taller than you, lolz. And I recall the time when I used to be the Magic sifu. Those days are gone, but we have stayed in contact for quite long. You still have my hard disk and my Replenish deck. You're SOOOO lucky I'm not going there to play Magic, lolz. Hope I've been useful to you as a friend. If anything I still want my hard disk back.

Last but hardly the least, Evon. This was the reason why things have to be the way they are. I'm sorry it could not be otherwise, but I did not think it fair for either of us to keep it up. True, other people have done it, but rarely have I seen it work out well, and I do not want to hurt you this way. If anything, you've taught me much. No one has ever made me as happy as you have. I hope I've done even the slightest bit for you what you've done for me. What we had was special, and it's not something I'll forget. As to what will come, I make no promises, not least because I do not like breaking mine to you. Know that I still care for you, but things are different now. With what we have, I'm thankful you're still my friend. Thank you.

To those who are disappointed to not see their name on the list, it's probably because I'll be seeing you there anyway, or that we know each other better online than in real life, thereby rendering the whole distance factor to nil. Hah.

It's a short while more. Time for some last minute shopping.

missing things...

Just got back from a rather random gathering of friends. Mabel's leaving on Sunday, Ry on Monday, and me on Tuesday. We had briyani and curry, I think from Melur. Angpows were extremely generous, wakkaka!

In course of doing that, I apparently missed a very good buffet dinner at Valencia, with lion dance and festive stuff all over. And I missed some quality time (I think) with family.

On that balance, I might say that it was a tradeoff of sorts. Family will be there when I return (or at least, they should la). Friends, may not. As things lie, which they do sometimes, leaving to the corners of the globe will probably disperse us. And on occasion for good. I was hoping of going somewhere with familiar places, but that wish eludes me. Sigh.

Interesting to note was that I found Vic particularly cute this time round. ANd then again, so was April. And according to some, so was I. Mwahhaa. You'll never figure me out!

Tomorrow, or rather later today, I'll be going for a lunch. Probably farewell-ish of sorts. Sigh. I should be feeling a melancholic blue of sorts, but it probably escapes my subconcious, the severity of this and all. Goodbye to one phase, hello to another, and the ending of everything I used to know and love. If I did that.

We'll see tomorrow. Hehehe. Eville me hoping for big fat goodbye angpows. This also sort of forces both sides of my family together. Should be amusing, at the least.

Sigh.

for the sake of...

I can't believe I'm eating Pig Trotter Stew and Macaroni. Mwahahaah.

On another note, guys are stupid lying two-faced bitches, but at least we're honest about it.

Meh.

skin deep...

Apasal-lah aku emo sangat masa ini. It's fucking annoying to be so emotional, especially since I have nothing to be emotional about.

Anyways, this reminded me of something that I said to myself recently. It seems that once in awhile, Veevs actually has something in depth AND interesting to say, as opposed to in depth and boring.

I used to think, when I was a child, that looks weren't that important. So I lived exactly that way. And I suppose that was quite fine for awhile, since I was quite a cute child, at least, for some time.

Of course, age caught up, and so did appearances, and while intelligence grew, neither wisdom nor common sense followed. I basically lived in the idea that I was as cute as the child I was (honestly leh, I didn't even think much about the way I looked, because I was always told I was such a handsome boy. Liars). I was quite oblivious to the fact that I had become somewhat of a source of visual repulsion, as well as somewhat of a social one at that.

The thing about a high level of intelligence is that you have the tendency not to have too great a sense of awareness about you. I was quite blissfully unaware of the real situation (which, in retrospect I'm probably better off for because I most certainly would have slashed myself if I knew otherwise), and behaved as such. Looking back, it's no surprise that I didn't keep friends for long. That said, people would come to me for advice on the very things I had no experienced on (READ: love lives, etc.). I think now that it's because that they felt safe since I would tell no one, because people were mostly not interested in me.

Okay, fine. They were. But for other reasons (READ: using me). And again, high intelligence = low awareness. Had I a picture, I'd probably show you what I mean. Sometime later, I finally figured it out. Strokes of genius arrive at the lowest times. I basically destroyed a lot of evidence of my past; memories, writings, pictures (hence the lack of pictures to show you).

I realise now that despite what people; friends, family (especially family; tell you, looks matter. I recall being told that appearances didn't matter, it was only what you really are inside that counts. Or in the case of achievements, it's what you really do. The world is an ass raping bonanza. It's not what you are, or what you do that counts. It's what it SEEMS you are, or what it SEEMS you did.

In that knowledge, I am an unfogivable idiot. I have everything that technically allows me to claim the title of a perfect person (barring that all-too-impossible moral perfection la). I have brains (mwahaha, bow down to me, know-nothings!) and the capacity to carry it out. Yet, I do not have the looks, I do not have the appearances of someone who does things. So, I am passed over frequently.

I am used often. Of that I have no doubt. And I allow it. Why? Darien does it to build up karma (he calls it an emotional bank account). I do it because I am otherwise alone. I have nothing else that would draw people to me, which is strange in a way because I do not like people. I do not like all this, and yet it is hard to erase what is innately us.

Leaving this place is probably the best thing that can happen to me. I'll be far away from a lot of things, in a place where at least my appearance can only pose so much a hindrance for me.

Looks matter. I do not.

girls...

If there's any cause for the downfall of a great guy, it's a woman. They're probably the most incomprehensible, ridiculous things ever. That said, we're probably more ridiculous for needing them.

The biggest headaches are female. Is it any wonder why they name the worst hurricanes after them? In the most obvious case of humans mimicking nature, the guy who came up with that idea was an utter genius.

This evening, I spent the day with two lovely ladies. Two ladies that are right now making me wish that humans reproduced by asexual cell division. Not that I have any romantic interest in them. No. It is more like the very fact that they are female, and that they were displaying typically female social traits that makes me feel that it would be better off if we had spore caps rather than balls.

Female politics are a total ass fucking when you're a guy. If you laugh at the things they say, you're insensitive. If you agree with what they say, they'll yell at you for making fun of them. And if you give a totally logical opinion, they'll mock you for your stupidity. And the most obvious answer is the last thing on their minds.

If you get to know a girl, you'll notice that they tend to fit easier into the social strata than you do. That's because, by some absurd twist of fate, social behaviour is somehow engineered to fit with the way girls do things. All that social grooming and gossiping and what-have-yous. The male ideal is seen as anti-social. So frustrating.

Another thing, although not exclusively female, but more prevalent in females than males, is the tendency to lump groups of people together. Girls, particularly, seem to enjoy treating people according to the company they keep. Guys tend to be less judgemental. Ape gila sial perempuan...

As romantic prospects, girls pose a serious complication. Either they'll make you broke, or wish you were. You can't win. If you don't buy an appropriate gift (more often than not expensive) you'll be killed. If you do, you'll be broke. Hell, not only must it be pricey, it must also be meaningful. Argh! Sometimes, they'd rather you do it by hand rather than buy it. In which case, be prepared to spend a hell lot of time as well as money. Any less than that and they'll accuse you of not loving them enough. Valentine's day. Haha!

So why do we bother? Yeah, there's the whole girl thing; they're nice to hold, nice to cuddle, nice to have pamper you, nice to say sweet nothings to, nice to kiss. There's that. And then, there's Brokeback Mountain.

friends...

Hah! And someone once told me that friends are the greatest treasures you can have. He sure never told me that they can be a royal fucking pain in the ass!

Take for instance two friends, who will remain annonymous mostly because you can't tell that they're a Jules and Ryan. I don't know what the fuck is up between them, but it's getting annoying playing along with their avoiding each other thing. As far as I can tell, Jules did something to piss Ry off, or somewhat, and has attempted to make amends. Given that Ry is the easily jealous type, as well as rather vengeful, it does not do to make a guess at what happened. The truly infuriating part is that neither will tell me what happened, and it seems like I'm the most likely intermediary. It absolutely fucking pisses me off when my friends are like this, not because I do not like the discord and whatnot, but because it inconveniences me to keep the social stratum in line.

The other day, Eva said that I seemed cuter than usual. And then Evon had to list the three types of cute: that-boy-is-sooo-cute cute, or that-puppy-is-sooo-cute cute, or that-retard-is-so-fucking-annoying-I-want-to-rip-out-his-fucking-ugly-face-but-is-adorable-anyway-cute cute. Apparently, I'm a combination of two of them, but I do not know which. I am either flattered, or extremely insulted.

And then there's the Stupid Piggi that decided to go to Perth instead of Melbourne, and also owes me a game of bowling. Apa la!

Then again, sometimes instead of micturating all over your face, they worry the fucking hell out of you.

A friend of mine just broke up with his girl. This particular friend is what you'd describe as your technical psychic other half. Picture yourself, in a black mirror. Basically, a physical equivalent of sorts, but an entire psychological opposite, where ideas come into play. Same thought processes, but opposite results. Digression aside, this situation isn't exactly the most comfortable, although I have yet to actually ask him about it. Then again, given that I'm having a few problems of my own, I'd likely only fuck up the situation a lot further, as I'd do usually.

And then there's Zhao. He's worrisome in another way, in that his reckless regard for money may potentially end up killing him. That, and his extremely expensive courtship methods, or as he calls them, "for fun only". His fun is certainly very fun, for the fucking retailers, that is. I do not know any guy who would go out and get a pure pale bitch for a chick's present, which was "for fun only". Worrying, not in the least because he's a potentially broke bankrupt, but more in that he doesn't end up spending the same amount on his friends. Where the fuck are your priorities, man!?!

Sigh. I really do not know what to say. Friends are supposed to be a blessing, and half the time, I wonder if they aren't a curse. If they can't prove useful, or amusing, in the least, then why the hell do we bother having friends? Someone once told me, that real friends are concerned for each other. Hell yeah. A fat lot of good being concerned for my friends has done. I'm wasting a bit too much time worrying about them.

I should just get a dog.