Friday, July 29, 2005

losing a talent...

Haha. Losing? I think I lost it. And it was one of the only things I did well, in the slightest sense of it. Music. Haha. No, I can't play the piano anymore. I'm going to fail the exam on Thursday. All that arrogance has come to bite my in the ass and rip off my nuts. No surprise at all.

Maybe it's a slump? Well, if it is, then it came at a fucking bad time. As it is, I'm not likely in the least to pass. All semblance of skill has degraded. Should have seen it coming. I couldn't play a straight tune for months. Maybe age does kill the muse. Maybe I only pretended to myself that I could play. Mwahaha. What a joke. Cold laughter is very refreshing.

And to think I almost had a perfect week. Now all hope of that has gone too. The main consolation is that Evon's on her way home right now. Only for the weekend. I so need to see her. Anymore practicing on the piano and everything is screwed. I couldn't fix it in a month, I can't fix it over a weekend. Scales are dead. That's a given. And seeing the randomness of the pieces, I'd say they're gonna be hanging themselves. Maybe I should just NOT turn up. But that's not the way I do things. If I'm gonna fail, after not noticing that I would in the beginning, I will do it, just to prove that I will fail. Failure is not something I'm accustomed to. Even the thought of it is quite alien to me.

Haha. Stark contrast no? What happen to that arrogant know-nothing that usually inhabits this blog? I wish I knew. He's probably dead somewhere in a corner. Interesting thing is that although almost everyone hates him, they will try to find him soon. Maybe the perception of wholeness is a lot more valuable than the annoyance of the stuckup. Whatever. If things go to plan, I will be doing something interesting tonight. If that fails, which it might, I will just sit and do my work in stony silence.

Somehow, the only thing that MIGHT work right now is a total emotion wipe. But that's very terrible. Especially to Evon. Haha. I'm not even typing straight anymore. What a joke. I really suck at keyboards eh? I should cut of my fingers. But it's hard to do both hands. You need fingers to hold a knife. Mwahaha.

Depression. Come cover me in your dark oblivion.

Jin out.

PS: Strange how the day was perfectly fine until about an hour ago when I realised that one of my talents has died. Intriguing.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

a bit of fiction here...

Decided to write a little interesting something. You will notice a few long blank places. These are where explicit content is written, hidden so as not to offend conservative/underaged readers (do I have any of those?). If you want to read it, you know what to do. Anyways, here goes:

Leaving Behind

The year is 2030. Unlike the reality predicted by the ‘experts’, the world is not going to last for another 2000 years. Multiple misunderstandings and swift responses from the various warring clans that sprung up soon after the fall of the United Nations in 2015 had caused obliteration of whole populations. Large impact craters are all that were left of the nations that had refused to ally themselves to any of the clans. In fact, it was the apathy of these very nations that had caused the downfall of the old world order. In its place, a conglomerate of the world’s richest and most powerful people, who had for some reason or another refused to join with the clans, formed the Global Evacuation Initiative, or the GEI. With the resources at hand, they created a massive orbital relay station, with the intention to transport a select group of individuals through the warp technology developed to traverse wide distances instantaneously to a distant galaxy.

How do I fit into this picture? I am one of the select group of people to join the GEI’s plan on planetary relocation. It is not surprising that the majority of people chosen for this grand scheme were young people, mostly those aged below 18. No surprise at all, seeing how they were the least tainted by the clans’ propaganda. Also, it helped that I was one of the many young people who had been the brains behind developing the warp technology that would be our way to a better future for humankind. Educational quality had gone up considerably since the early 2000s. At levels once considered attainable only by elderly academicians, teenagers as young as 15 were making stunning discoveries in various scientific fields. Through their schemes, jealous older scholars had instigated the global leadership stance leading to the current situation.

I pack my personal effects into my extremely compact spatial-dynamics pack, a particularly useful invention of mine. My mind wanders to the realities of this now hostile world. Tears began to well up behind my dark eyes, with anger at the adults who were supposed to guide us but were too busy killing each other, sadness at having to leave my homeworld, and relief that I would soon be on another planet, where it had to be better than whatever was going on here. The pack floats gently over my bed, filled to the brim with all my essentials. I clip the palm sized device onto my left pocket, and sighing, took a good final look around the room in the GEI’s institute where I had spent the last 15 years of my 16 year life.

As my six foot frame stepped out onto the tree-sheltered boulevards that ran through the institute, I gazed beyond the laser fencing into the ruined townscape. What once used to be a gleaming city full of spectacular structures and literal floating gardens was now reminiscent of a 1990s doomsday movie. Maybe this was the very thing envisioned by the writers. Indeed, the only reason the institute was intact at all was because of the barrier shields placed around the perimeter, behind which we watched as the enemy clan warships dropped hydrogen bombs on the city. I brushed the images out of my head and continued towards the shimmering warp portal that would take me to the gathering point for the warp launch.

As I step onto the deck of the waiting area, a familiar hand clasps mine. Carmen, my sweetheart, grins wildly at me. Her beautiful face glimmers with the hope of a new future far away from marauding clan troops and the deafening hydrogen bombs. She had been the head scholar for work on the teleportation calculations, such a head for numbers as she had, and a beautiful head it was. It was there that I met her, and it was love at first sight. How the top scholar had fallen for a lowly mechanist was beyond me, but through her guidance and status, I accelerated through the ranks and became lead researcher for the warp engine design. With her as my muse, the design proceeded rapidly and the engine was ready in about a third of the expected two years. Of course, besides the intellectual tutelage, she was most invaluable in my studies of the more romantic nature, with many practical demonstrations, reinforced by playful touches in suggestive locations whenever we were together.

I pull her into a convenient corner room of the transport platform. Her soft hands trace a pattern on my back. She looks delightful in the leather outfit, even more so in this dimmed light. Our lips press close to each other. A slight intrusion from her part adds to the sensations of the moment. An increasing heat adds to the furiousity of the exchange. Her flesh is every bit as sweet as I remembered it last. Even with the bleak reality in the back of the people's minds, passion is every bit the part the concern of hormonal teenagers. We are no exceptions. My fingers sneak their way past the restrictive material of her clothes. She likewise has her delicate hands assist me out of my now suddenly uncomfortable pants. The falling of the fabric is in time with the unclasping of her gauzy undergarments, previously held up by luciously fruitful but not overabundant spherical forms. The passionate kissing does not slow down one bit throughout this. As our naked flesh presses together, the playful groping intensifies. I poise myself to take a downward strike.

I am knocked out of my reverie by a sharp explosion that rocks the entire platform. Figments of the imagination run wild in times like this. As it is the situation runs back to the current pressing issues. It seems that the clan warlords have issues about us leaving the planet with the only technology that could save anyone from the oncoming global apocalypse. Through the blackened windshield, we can see multiple scores of clan gunships flying towards us. A frantic alarm is sounded, and GEI fighters, what few we had, respond. The brave pilots who had not succumbed to clan propaganda had pledged their lives to seeing the GEI plan come to fruition. Many had children who were within the GEI’s select group. Carmen’s father is one of them.

As the GEI fighters cover us, the transport platform lifts off. Through the explosions, we can see our defenders fall like the noble warriors they were. I hold Carmen tight as she weeps silent tears as her father’s fighter goes down. In his sacrifice, an entire clan cruiser was downed, buying the transport enough time to leave the atmosphere. We approach the awaiting orbital relay, and even through the vacuum of space we can feel the shuddering of the titanic mechanisms latching onto the transport.

The shield barriers around the orbital relay go up. The reality beyond the shield begins to twist as the warp engine builds up the force needed to teleport us to that distant galaxy. The clan gunships blur out of vision as an ethereal silence descends on the relay. I kiss her softly, whispering the tales of a future yet to come. Her silent reply reflects that of all the others that have made it with us today: that what we have left behind is a reality now past, and the reality yet to come will be what we make of it, a future that we hope will not mirror our past. And there will be time enough to fulfill our fantasies with each other.

Done. There. I hope those of you interested enough would have read the censored bits, though I do not advocate doing so to those under aged. Of course, I always like all my work to be crituqued, and all feedback is most welcome. Evon, if you read the blacked out bits, don't take it too literally, lolz. It's writing. Not reality. And my reality is usually a lot kinkier and sexier than that, lolz. I love you, darling.

Jin out.

what should i do...

I don't know what to do anymore. It's getting tiresome for me. I love responses from my readers, but usually I don't get that much. Not too encouraging. Perhaps I should try utterly absurd and definitely offensive. But I don't think that's me. Not to mention, my schedule for everything is falling apart. I have a ton of things to accomplish, but none of the willpower to accomplish it. It's sort of a laziness thing for me, and that much I'll have to admit. Nonetheless, I'd rather that I'd do something pointless rather than sit by and do nothing.

It's not amusing anymore. I'm getting desperate. I'm so fractured that sometimes I forget to reply messages. Like last night, I had meant to reply a message from Evon. For some reason, I cleanly forgot till after 12. It's getting terrible. And the fucked up exam is about a week away. I think I'll probably fail this time. Like, whatever. I don't think I have the energy to care anymore. I have two or three more lab reports to complete, a ton of administrative things to settle, class photos to take again, a whole crapload of mediocre but essential things to handle, I'm not sure I can do anything anymore.

All this while, I've slacking away writing here, while I should be better off writing competition essays and the like. It makes more sense that way. I think my appreciation as a writer from the general public is quite poor. Maybe they don't understand my writing. Or maybe I'm just not meant to write. Haha. There's only so much good spelling and efficient punctuation can do for you. Haha. This post seems more of the nature of my private thoughts, but I suppose it's better to get it all out in the air. That way I have no hidden feelings. I hate being confused, and by consequence love confusing people, though I do it be explaining beyond the needed, rather than withold information. I'm evil that way.

Maybe it's time for another 2 week holiday. Get my affairs straight. Or hell, I think I really should have sealed this vault a long time ago. But my cravings for public recognition grows stronger. Absolutely disgusted at myself. When since have I become such an attention-whore? No idea. Might as well shoot myself. Only that I can't buy guns. Damn. I know a few good poisons, but I don't appreciate pain that much. But then again, I do. Random fantasies are interesting, even more so if you actually carry it out.

I don't really have time for this. I'm not even using what time I have to complete my long list of nonsense. It's a waste, and there's still 5 hours of community service left. And I don't think it's even coming to any effect. Maybe I should dust of my camera, and stop giving a flying fuck about what other people think anymore. It's getting worse. I yearn for the days of highschool, when I honestly deluded myself into thinking I didn't care. Our reality is based entirely on what we perceive, and what happens depends on what we choose to see happens. Time to become a recluse? That might help. Maybe I should take up the violin. That works sometimes.

I love you Evon. It's annoyingly desperate of me, but I have random urges to call you which are often negated by my overwhelming drive towards sloth. But today, I will fix everything I can. God help me.

Jin out.

Monday, July 25, 2005

talk about coincidences...

Came upon this short movie telling about how a sheer coincidence ruins a guy's life. Just watch and laugh. I suppose it is quite funny. Lolz.

Jin out.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

day out with the great darien...

Okay, technically it was not a day out. It was more like 5.30 to about 10.45. That makes it 5 hours something something. My math can die, liaoz. Anyways, it always makes most reading sense to start at the beginning.

So it was after the argument that I decided to sit down. And then the message came from Darien that he needed a companion to go to some awkward party. Some ex-girlfriend of his. Simone, if I recall correctly. Anyways, it seems that he felt quite stupid about having accepted the invitation, but given the context on which it was given, I'd say he was coerced into doing it. Hehe. But he still felt stupid. But not half as stupid as I was going to feel.

I was still extremely upset about the random argument, so I quickly changed and left the house at around 4.30. Walked out to the main road, just in time to catch a bus to Pyramid, from where I planned to go to Damansara Jaya by either bus or taxi. Meh. You can't get good taxi's easily in Subang. Anyways, it was about 10 minutes into the ride when I noticed the bus wasn't going anywhere in the correct direction, although it was the famed Bus No. 10. So I got off, and walked around to find a taxi. Bloody hell, I didn't realise how far I was walking. It didn't help I was wearing two layers at that. Peeled one off, down to a sleeveless muscle tee that was too short for this loose pants. Felt bloody weird that way, with my fat gut peering out into the sunlight, lolz. At any rate, was very lucky to find this Indian taxi driver willing to take me to DJ at that hour.

It seems that this guy had the most interesting ideas on how this country should be run. This Mr I'll-keep-his-name-secret-to-prevent-political-retribution-on-his-person-and-also-because-I-forgot-his-name was apparently a managing director at some company before he was fired 14 years ago to appease some politcal bigwig. As you can tell, he had quite a colorful vocabulary when it came to describing our nation's 'great' leaders. Expletives were abound for an aging Indian taxi driver. Still, most of his ideas are what I have considered before, except his tended more on the radical side, bordering on immediate and practical changes, while mine are based on the upheaval of the real to make place for the ideal. Since the matters and context of the stuff he said were highly sensitive, and also because I cannot remember everything that he said, I won't mention it here. Suffice to say, he was probably one of the most interesting taxi drivers I've met. And the ride from USJ to DJ cost only 12.50. Not bad at all.

Mr Lee drove up to pick me from my slightly stranded position in the middle of nowhere. Zoomed back to his place to pick up his gift for Simone. It was unwrapped. And he was going to give it like so. Still, we went to Uptown area, found a florist. Some PMSing woman. Dunno what's wrong with her. Anyways, she sucked at wrapping, but still charged him 5 bucks for it and 60 cents for the cheesy card. Still, Darien was sorta desperate. Meh. On the way out, the PMSing shopkeeper was talking about smoking, lighters and candles. Like talk about severe symptoms. It must suck to be a middle aged almost-menopausal shopkeeper of some run down floral shop with a bottle of vintage Cognac that you failed to sell trying to rip off some poor desperate guy for some cheese-ass wrapping and noticing that the other guy he came with looked almost like his twin because of the height and facial shape. Hmm. That was a long sentence. You can't say it in one breath.

After that little fiasco thingy, in which the wrapping cost more than the present (hey, can't expect a guy to buy roses for an ex-girlfriend, right?), we made our way to the appointed venue. He didn't want to get out of the car, so awkward and everything, as he had mentioned repeatedly, or if he didn't I had been hallucinating, but whatever. When we got in, it was empty. Our hostess was running about in a most flustered manner, sniffling away, and getting her chopsticked hair tangled in the hanging tassled crepe paper. Like Darien said, it was a chick party, and the circles in which the girl travelled were populated by well built girls. Not that I noticed. I was more interested in the interesting choice of decor in the house. Very spartan finish, with lots of empty space. Decor was sparse, with a rather Bohemian theme. Lots of stone surfaces. And built-in stone bench was for the TV area. Nice. Anyways, we left early on pretext of a 'job' that he had to do, which wasn't entirely untrue, but it hardly took 10 minutes.

After that, went around to a mamak he knew. Had some roti kosong with susu pekat. White sticky gooey stuff. Very sweet. Reminds me of something... Anyways, we then went to a little secret spot of his. Nice place. Can see for miles and miles around from that place. I think I'll bring my camera next time. Beautiful view. But it's definitely not for people who have acrophobia. In fact, if you have a fear of heights, not advisable at all. Oh well.

Went to fetch two of his friends, Adrian and See Hoon, I presume. Interesting people. Anyways, was chatting at random. Ended up in Subang, makan in Taipan. Then they dropped me home. So here I am writing. And it turns out that I might go shopping tomorrow after all. Hell, I'll eat humble pie if I get to get free stuff. Like, so whatever.

I miss you Evon.

Jin out.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

pissed off day...

I'm not pissed off. But the day seems to be primed for it. Whatever.

I hate arguing with my parents. It's not the conflict. That part I enjoy. It's the fact I have to shut up if not it will extend too long and cease to amuse me. Don't know why, but they just seem to be liking to pick fights over the trivialest of things. And again today it is reinforced that I am something they regret. No surprise. I haven't given them any reason to be otherwise. And I do not regret that at all. Why should I? I don't value myself much, because few enough people do. I don't value living much. It's a good thing for Evon. Seriously. If not I'd be long gone. But then again, I don't know. After going through another arguement at random again today, I'm more than certain I don't want to get married. Sorry, darling, lolz. No, I don't. It's not safe. Not to say that you're bad, girl. It just seems to be applicable to all married women. They seem to be on some constant PMS. And although my patience is relatively long, relative to, well, ahem. But I don't think I can take it. I get anough flak at home now. I'm not going to take it anymore if I can help it.

I can't wait to move out and live on my own and not depend on my parents. That way they can stop accusing me of wasting their lives and money away. You think I want all that? I don't. I never wanted to be born, and I still don't. I can't cherish I life I never wanted. And I still don't want it. They say don't expect to be loved if you cannot love yourself. It seems, like everything else I've ever been through, or at least most of it, I'm the exception to the rule. I have someone who loves me. And I don't love myself. Hardly. She said once, I can't love her enough if I hate myself. It pains me, but I guess I don't love her enough in that case. Hate has always been a strong emotion for me. In fact, it was all I felt for a good 17 years of my life. Does that matter? I don't think so.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Then again, when do I not? Or when do I overreact? Ever? I don't know. I need to get out of the house. Soon. As it is, I'll be joining Darien later for some awkward party thing he feels obliged to grace his presence with, although as far as I can tell, he's never really had a good post-relationship relationship with his ex-girlfriends, although the social view might tell otherwise. It's a strange thing, it is. I hope this won't happen to me. I hate awkward situations. They're very, awkward. Still, I do make good conversation when you can understand what I'm saying, that is.

I hate seeing the bad side of people. But sometimes it's all I see. And I see quite a lot for someone who's going blind. Or maybe I'm already blind and everything I see is a figment of my imagination. It must be pretty big a figment, in that case. I don't think small. Ever.

Jin out.

Friday, July 22, 2005

lonely walk...

Was sitting here listening to Hao Xin Fen Shou by Candy Lo and Wang Lee Hom. Very catchy song. And touching too, I presume. It would be, if I understood it. But since I don't. Oh well.

This morning on the way to college, we passed by this kid girl walking on the main road. My dad stopped to ask her where she was going. Seems that she was left behind by the bus. So she was walking to Lick Hung. Yeah, it's kind of a kinky name, to think about it. Not that I usually think about it. Anyways, Dad was very kind and we drove her there. Assembly was already going on in that place. And as we left, I just thought about how military it felt. Now, I have nothing against people going to Chinese schools, especially since I know many people from Chinese schools. They're very nice people, verily. It's just that I have this thing against anything regimented. From the people I know from Chinese schools, I must say a large majority of them seem to lack a certain spark. I don't know what it is. But it's just, I don't know.

I asked a few people once, what was it like in Chinese schools. Interesting. I'm sure many of you know, as quite a number of you have been through the system. And while I'm all out for learning a language and all, it's how they run it that disgusts me. It's little point trying to break a kid's spirit so early in their lives. Is it any wonder that we're seriously lacking creativity these days? I'm fortunate to have met a number of extremely creative and witty Chinese school students. Those are the special few. The majority have suffered severe crushing blows to mental processes. The people in charge say it's the only way to teach them so much in such a short time. True. But why do little children need to learn so much in such a short time? We complain that children don't respect their elders anymore. With treatment like this, is there any reason to?

A mistake borne out of love does not excuse the action. You may say that the parents had only the child's interest in mind. Okay. I'll buy that. So when your children dump you to rot in some old folks homes, it will be in your interest, too, right? Since they know they cannot possibly give you all the attention like you couldn't give them the attntion when they were small kids, they might as well dump you where the people are trained to do it, right? Utter bullcrap.

Of course, I might be wrong. But when I am, it's usually closer to the truth than most people would like to admit. It's a pretty high price to pay to learn a language, if that's your objective in the first place. Some parents do it because other people say it's the right thing to do. That is a nice excuse, except for the fact that these are your children, not other people's. Make your own decisions. Meh.

Aih. The common debate is that they turned out just fine. Oh? Is that so? I don't really say they are entirely fine. I mean, I will also agree that government schools are also full of crap, and that they are the other end of the spectrum, where we tend to be more lazy, and Chinese schools are regimented concentration camps (like literally squeezing tons of students in one puny room). There's no excuse for either. Moronic behaviour is inexcusable. Moronic behavious due to love is therefore even more inescusable. I mean like absolutely moronic, like retarded. Not moronic, like cute. That is fine. Up to a point. Meh.

Keith said I'd make a lot of enemies being the way I am. Haha. Funny. I HAVE made a ton of enemies. As far as I can guess anyway. But the trick to keeping the peace is having two qualities: being more valuable than you are annoying, or being irreplacable in which case you can be as annoying as you like. I've lived through life long enough for me to get enough enemies who would like to destroy me, and the thing is they've either not enough guts to try, or they have failed with utmost miserableness.

I hate posting in draft. It's like eating a half baked cookie. Meh.

Jin out.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

hope restored...

Had a very interesting conversation with a particular Keith Tan today. Apparently my views on the world are quite unusual for him. Hehe. Back to my old old self? Perhaps, but with major modifications. I'm the brutal killer self, and not only that, I'm the new improved, sexier model! Lolz.

Okay, I'm sure you people would have already heard my theories, besides, I said a bloody lot this morning, and I'm not inclined to repeat myself. So I won't. Suffice to say. I've never seen someone tried so hard to understand me before. No, not even you Kim. This guy has this very straight laced mentality, and whihle he understood the obvious logic of it, he did not comprehend the underlying threads of it all. The utter look of amazement and confusion on his face was pure amusement. And as we know, I don't really think much if something amuses me. I usually keep things that amuse me around. And why not?

Was listening to instrumentals just now. To be more precise, F.I.R.'s Lydia, in piano rendition. Ah. I just love instrumentals. And the upcoming issue of exams just had to cloud my head. Oh whatever. It doesn't really matter. If I pass, jolly good. If I fail, then it would be a bit sad. But whatever. I don't really think I'll pass, especially the way my scales are going right now. But then again, who knows? Like what a friend of mine said, it could be some old horny lady who thinks I'm hot. Lolz. Old ladies tend to have poor eyesight.

Ah. Hope levels restored. I was seriously thinking about playing World of Warcraft. No, the free server. Not that most people here would understand anyways. But like I was saying. It's the free server. Sure, buggy and stuff. But I tend to spend too much time sitting staring blankly at a stupid screen. If I'm going to waste my time looking at a screen, I bet get amused by it at least. Like I said before, amusement of my person is the only mitigating fator in anything. Mwahaha. Oh, nothing to do with hope at all.

I miss my darling. But also quite jealous of her leh. She seems to be having most things going her way. Except maybe the anthropodal issues, namely bugs in the water, bugs on the walls, bugs everywhere. But hell, I think I might love that situation. Wonderful photographical oppurtunity. Mwahaha. Okay, my posts are becoming extremely ditzy. Like PokX would say, a typical girl's blog. But of course, my posts tend to have immaculate spelling and grammar, although the logic also has the proclivity to be warped, not to mention the words are like seriously confusing. Like, what the hell does proclivity mean? Did I just make it up? Probably. But it's not like you can tell anyway.

Do I amuse you? Well, it normally doesn't matter, because I only care for my own entertainment. Mwahaha. But it amuses me to amuse people with my pitiful offerings here. And since it amuses me to amuse other people, I will descend to allow such trivialities. Meh.

It's a disconnected world, and I'm a disconnected person. Should it matter? Aren't all unselfish purposes there for a selfish reason? I mean, why do people want to do nice things? To get into heaven? In which case, why do we want to go to heaven? To escape the fires of hell? Isn't that selfish? Ah. Not for me to say. Personally, I'm selfish too, like everyone else, but that is a matter irrelevant to everyone else. After all, if I burn, it will be in a hell of my own making. As is all hells.

Jin out.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

prayer works...

Today, a friend/collegue/whatever of Dad's was supposed to have come to the house in the morning. Apparently, they had to go to a work site together. Incredibly, the feller got lost around the Sekolah Agama, and he was late anyways to begin with. So, after a while, Dad got pretty frustrated with this Kent guy. So he told him to stay put, and we'd come to fetch him. Right. Couldn't see him anywhere. Maybe he doesn't know what a Sekolah Agama looks like. Kent, not Dad. Anyways, Dad told him to meet at McD's outside Taylor's, and we were freaking late as it is. And to top it off, the rain was falling down like my tears do when I'm bloody frustrated. Ehehe. A guy crying with frustration never ceases to amuse me. Even when it's myself. That's why I laugh sometimes when I'm crying. It's bloody ironic. But I digress.

Anyways, we were late, and the weather made a huge line of cars outside of Seafield. Wonderful. Absolutely fantastically wonderful. Made a quick detour around the line to the other end. Got my sister there about on time. Then, went back on to the main roads to Taylor's. I said a little prayer, basically asking to get there on time. Dad was pretty flustered. He asked questions like, did I have a first period, what subject was it, did they have replacement classes, could you shift things around, and the like. If one thing Dad's a stickler for, it's being punctual. Kinda like Li Ann is, but that annoying brat has to cry everytime she's late. And she's fucking whiny too. Bloody annoying.

Anyways, got there, did my brisk less-than-one-minute-walk thing. Guess what. I got in, just before the precise minute for coming in late was due. Sat down just as the class began. A few others came in after me, owing to the weather, I suppose. If anything, I guess this shows that prayer does work, considering the time we left the Seafield area was already 7.40, and it takes almost 20++ minutes to reach the roundabout outside SS15. Getting in was another issue. And going up the 5-storey building is another. And I got in on time. Wunderbar.

Anyways, I think I remember why I don't really appreciate being alive that much. But to elaborate would bore me, since I basically have it chanting in my head 4 hours a day. Usually just before I sleep, sadly. The will to live is weak, but only slightly surpasses the will to die. That would explain my half-existence. And also there is the mitigating factor of outside influences that keep me on the lifeline. Yeah, friends, and work, and the prospect of money. But more than most, Evon. She would be bloody pissed if I did kill myself, to say the least, and we all know how much I hate to annoy her. Family doesn't really keep me going anymore. In fact, I'd pretty much say although they don't keep me alive, they don't make me wanna die. Much. Almost a non-factor, but the tendency is that there are negative spikes. So, yeah. Sometimes I wanna die because of them. It would save them so much hassle.

Don't get me wrong. They're not bad people. In fact, they're really nice people. But sometimes, I don't know. Yeah, they do things that make you feel like a mountain just sat on your head. A constipated mountain sitting on your head. A constipated mountain with indigestion sitting on your head. And they don't very often do things to reverse that. Most of the time, they're quite neutral, but then the negative spikes always outweight what little positive graph I do get. Aih.

Living for you, Evon.

Jin out.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

new depressive low...

Well, this one is certainly due to my own weakness. Not like none of my problems aren't due to my weakness, but my definition of weakness tends to be other people's definitions of outstanding strength. Whatever.

I'm going to die in two weeks and two days time. My Grade 8 Piano exam is on the 4th. My scales suck. My pieces are gonna die. And they are the only redeeming grace. True enough, the only pressure I have to pass this one is myself. And I'm getting a lot of pressure indeed. Why? I love music. I love it with a sort of passion. At least, I did. Now, I'm beginning to hate it. Loathe it. There used to be a time when I'd sit at the piano about 3 hours a day, playing songs and tunes from the top of my head. Now, it's a fucking chore to sit anywhere near the piano. I feel like breaking my fingers off at the knuckles just so I don't ever have to play again.

Today, I had a replacement class. Actually, it was supposed to be on Friday, but I was slightly too stunned by the news on Friday at 4 to remember anything else. Ah. Love does that. Anyways, at today's class, I couldn't play any of my pieces properly, not that I could in the first place, this time round. The scales were all fucked up. And my head was slightly numb. The inside was number more so. My fingers didn't do what they were told. In fact, the only keyboard they are good at anymore is this one. The black one with little numbers and letters on them. And even then, not quite so good anymore.

If I fail this exam, I don't think I'll ever touch the piano again. Ever. Good or otherwise, I don't think I can take another blow. Although I've become somewhat of a better person (I hope), the process has left me weaker. That's the problem with opening up. You become weak. As I have. I feel like dying. Almost might do it. Except I promised I won't.

That's all I guess I can say without compromising too many personal thoughts. Not like I ever prized my privacy that much. I'm some sort of attention whore. Meh.

Jin out.

Monday, July 18, 2005

posting again...

I'm sitting here, looking pretty comfortable in the Web. Earphones on, expensive mp3 player sitting on my left, assignment papers draped over the CPU, rings on my right hand, on the ring finger and pinkie, and the chain, restored by rust removal on my left hand, with a disdainful gaze at the flatpanel monitor. On my head sits the 400 buck adidas shades, and a Wild Channel shirt in bright red over a white muscle tee, coupled with my ever ready black Diesel jeans and ever trusty Rockport shoes. My right leg rests comfortably on my left knee, and my back tilted onto the bright red plastic chairs they have here. My fingers type on the more-or-less quiet keyboard, while random people I have met through college greet me as they pass me on the left.

All this while, through the fog of sensory overload, I can only think of her. Yeah. About now, she would be completing her registration at the training facility, and probably be shown her dorm. She will be finding out if her dorm mate is a bitch or otherwise. Whether or not she will have access to a computer till her laptop makes it back, the laptop I suggested she brought in the first place. From her descriptions of the place yesterday, it sounds more or less like Taylor's, the exception being that it has a larger wifi coverage, and I don't really know what it's like.

Already, I miss her. Not that I don't. But it's the knowledge of the considerable amount of time needed to be spent in order to be physically close to her that adds to this. And also, that she's starting a new phase in her life. She seems happy, that is important. At least, she isn't too disappointed with her choice, which is even more essential. It's good that she loves me, and I love her. I know of some couples who would break up if they were to even move house. Many kind people have offered kind words. Darien said that we were the kind of couple that would not break up even if seperated by half a globe. Thanks, dude.

I wonder how her night was. Did she sleep well? I don't know. Perhaps she slept thinly from her anticipation of today. Maybe she didn't sleep at all. Was she thinking of me? I hope so. I was thinking of her, though I think I had a nightmare last night. Can't really tell. I'm so numb these days that I can barely draw meaning from my concious thoughts anymore, let alone dreams. All this self centered actions I do bring up these few days, they're just cover to hide my blatant mehness. Yes. Mehness. Not manners. Strange how some people mix the two.

Does melancholy play any part of my moods? I don't think so. That would imply that I was sad. I don't think I am. At least, not obviously so. Does longing feature? I would think so, but I'm extremely surprised to see I don't long for her as much as I thought I would. Maybe it just hasn't sunken in yet. Maybe it's a coping mechanism. Maybe maybe. Such an irresponsible word, as she would say.

If you read this, you would think that I write as one who has lost a loved one. Do not think wrongly. I feel more strongly and am number than most people, all at once. I am not what you would like to assume I am, and also I am exactly and more than what you think. I am and am not all in the same blink of the eye. And how do you know if I'm lying? You wouldn't. I, for one, don't. It's not meant to be known. If I did know, I would be omniscient. Which means I could see through clothes without trying. And I'd know all the answers to all the questions all the time. All knowing is not all powerful, but knowledge is power, and power corrupts. Corruption is caused by money, and money is the root of all evil. By consequence, since I have no money, I am not corrupt, and hence, I have no power, and therefore I know nothing. Since I know nothing, I am not omniscient, and probably by deriving that meaning, I feel nothing. Which would explain why I'm like this right now.

Yes, I see the flaw in that equation. It's there intentionally. It's like a hope, a chance to break free of this semi morbid dream. I would not like her to worry. Hardly. I would die if I caused her worry. I don't seem like much of the ideal boyfriend now, though some people have tried to convince me that I do approach that ideal. The shell can be painted, my friends. But you cannot reshape the yolk without shattering the egg. And how do you reshape the yolk? By denaturizing it. That is, to twist it, form and function will change, or cease to be.

Reading and rethinking my thoughts, this is truly a morbid post. Is this how I really feel? Or is this just a way to get attention? That, is for me to find out, and for you to only guess. In the mean time, I will spend more of my time dreaming of the time to come when I next see her again.

I love you, Evon.

Jin out.

P.S. I know this doesn't really fit in with today's post, but I discovered a way to access this blog from Taylor's. Instead of typing http://quicksilverlining.blogspot.com/, you write http://www.quicksilverlining.blogspot.com/. Ain't that great?

Sunday, July 17, 2005

farewell, my love...

Seeing my darling off, it isn't an easy thing to do. For some reason, couldn't cry. Not that it would have been appropriate if I did. I don't know. Let's start from the beginning of yesterday, yes?

As you well know, Evon's going to Perlis. At writing time, she's probably just past Ipoh right now. Anyways, I went to Subang Parade at around 12 yesterday. She was supposed to go there to buy shoes, another pair like she did the last time, lolz. But, due to packing, she didn't leave the house till around 3, in another direction, namely 1U. No matter, I didn't know that. Went around, got her farewell gifts, thinking she would show up, so I could give them to her then and there. Assuming that it was going to be the only time I'll be seeing her in a long while, did some impulsive shopping. Very heavy hearted, but quite excited to see her face.

Anyways, although I shouldn't really talk about what I gave her, personally I think these are really cute:
I got her the pink one!
Got her one of these, since the last trip we had together, she mentioned how cute those things were. Yeah, was actually planning on saving it for her birthday, but she kinda has more reason to get it now. More use. And got her a doggy plush too. She wanted a bear, but ever since that day at PAWS, I kinda like dogs better. Hehe.

Anyways, when I found out the misdirection of her trip, I finished off the novel I was sneak-reading in MPH, then went out to catch a bus. As Divine Providence would have it, the right bus pulled in just as I walked up to the bus stop. The ride was quick and painless, and way cheaper than a taxi. Got back, cleaned the house up, explained the unique circumstances of my situation, and got the car for the night.

Her good friends for CHS arranged for a small gathering as sort of a farewell yum char. So at around 10.30, we met at Kannan mamak, just outside Xavier hall, also just outside CHS, and also right next to that famous Ipoh Chicken Rice shop on Jalan Gasing. Wow, seeing people oft mentioned. And also one familiar feller lar, like someone I see almost everyday. Mr Leow, Mr Leow. Good thing you were the second one to arrive, if not quite the weird lor. Especially if the rest came, didn't recognize me, sit different table. Very sesated.

Anyways, the mamaks shooed us away at around 11. Apalah, budak ni. Erm sek zhou sang yi. Malasnya. So we went to the SS2 Coffee Bean. Had a good chat. Discovered a lot of things about CHSers. Real insane bunch, not that I'm at any liberty to judge, lolz.

Sending her home was very strange for me that night. Usually, there's a warm glow in my belly, and this soft gladness that we can soon meet again, though soon is extremely variable, in our case. Anyways, I had this extreme emptiness in me. I wouldn't say it was sad, because I was happy that she's progressing through life. I guess it's the fact that I know I'll miss her greatly.

While we were sitting there in the silent car, chatting softly about inconsequential things like what to name the doggy, and what she would pack, my throat became very dry. The void was starting to squeeze out my concious thoughts, and it persisted till this morning.

Oh, another interesting thing I discovered last night: I can fit into M sized pants. Lolz.

God guide you, my love.

Jin out.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

a distance it is...

First things first, I must say I'm quite surprised at all the attention my Bahasa post got, though I will admit I would have been pretty disappointed if it was ignored. Hehe. Attention-whoring. Nice to note people actually reading my posts.

Okay, it's 3 in the morning, and I can't sleep. Just got off the phone with Evon. Just bloody fucking hell can't sleep. I'm not disturbed, not depressed. Just, I don't know. It's all happening so fast. The long awaited and forsaken confirmation has arrived. It came around 4-ish today. Yeah. It seems that her application for teacher's training has been approved. That's very good news, cuz I feel like this is something she really wants to do. The not so good news: it's in Perlis, and she has to be there by Monday. The term is 5 years.

I won't go into details. Suffice to say, she took up the offer. I'm really happy for her. Really am. I feel that this is a step in the right direction. It's moving towards the thing that she feels she wants, and I support her fully in this. How will we survive this distance, a few people have asked me. Well, how not to? I love her, and will distance change that? I don't think so. No, not going to break this off, unless she asks me to. Let's not even consider that.

It's gonna be a sudden change for her. Discombobulated she is. Very unbalanced. All her plans for the whole month have basically been trashed. She has a ton of shopping to do later today. Might join her for a bit. At least will get to see her before she leaves on Sunday morning.

Visits. That's a good question. Thanks, Darien. Yeah, I might take up your offer on that. Driving to Perlis alone is going to be difficult. Two people might make more sense. And if you can Suet out, we can make it a road trip! Hehe.

I suppose that's all I have to say. Just want to make this a public announcement: I love you, Evon. And no amount of distance is going to change that.

Jin out.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

celaka punye budak...

Ini punye post buat baik baik punye bahasa. Amatlah dukacita yang ku tulis dengan gaya dan bahasa yang tidak menentu pasalnya tentang masalah ataupun hal yang tidak sebenarnya berkaitan dengan sesiapa. Tetapi apatah dayaku yang sedemekian bosonnya duduk di Kolej Kepunyaan Si Budak Taylor ni. Entah apa namanya seperti ini. Macamlah tiada nama yang lagi baik untuk dipergunakan. Seperti contoh, boleh digunakan nama seperti Kolej Dato' Mahmud Tida Bherkhai Tan. Ataupun Universiti Tunku Abdul Bohsan. Boleh digunakan.

Bolehku bayangkan rupa kegelian membaca kata-kata ku ini. Apalah budak ni, tulis dengan gunakan bahasa macam macam, tiada benda yang lebih baik dilakunya. Ya, sememangnya ku amat bosan dan tiada kerja hendak diperlakukan. Perluku memperolehi komputer atas peha. Apalah nama yang diberi kepada peralatan elektrik moden oleh bakal ketua bahasa di negara kita ni? Kebolehan mereka mentadbir kemudahan menggunakan bahasa ini amatlah menyedut. Perkataan Inggeris yang tidak dapat masuk akal setelah diterjemahkan perkataan demi perkataan kepada bahasa ini. Contoh yang klasik adalah anjing panas. Adakah orang suka makan anjing yang terasa demam badannya? Baik kita makan benda yang lebih baik seperti nasi gemuk? Ah, minta maaf. Nama yang betulnya nasi lemak. Tapi adakah beza antara gemuk dan lemak? Nampaknya sedikit, kalaulah ada perbezaannya.

Ada ku terfikirkan sesuatu yang amat melucukan. Namun begitu, terkilan fikiranku apabila dilarang bermain Perseorangan Labah-labah di Jaring ini. Apalah, mereka yang mengadakan peraturan sedemikian. Betapa bodoh dan bosannya berada di sini. Biarku sebentar memikirkan perkara yang melucukan.

Bahkan adapun perkara menarik yang hendak ku sampaikan, terpotonglah penghantaran perkara itu kepadamu. Bahasa ini tidak beberapa baik untuk ku sampaikan berita hangat seperti apakah yang sedang diperlakukan oleh budak lelaki semasa bersendirian. Mengapa penguasaan bahasaku teramatlah lemah? Perkataan mencalap, iaitu bermain dengan ayam jantan sendiri pun tidak dapatku fikirkan, walaupun sebaik baiknya tidak ditulis di laman jaring yang dibaca oleh pembaca perempuan.

Memikirkan perempuan, fikiranku tertarik kembali kepada sayangku, Evon. Sudah lama tidak ku jumpa mukanya. Sudah kira empat hari tidak ku kelihatannya. Harap harap sambungan antara jaringnya dapat dikembalikan. Oh, kegelisahanku menjadikan saraf tunjangku menghantar isyarat menggelikan ke atas dan ke bawah. Agar perkataanku masuk akal, ingin ku meminta maaf kalau kau tidak faham akan bahasa ini. Ah. Terlupa pula aku, kalau tidak faham, bagaimana hendak difahamkan pohonanku ini?

Hendak diperkatakan apa yang telahku makan hari ini, hanya satu tan mi. Begitu sedikit, walaupun kedengaran berat. Apalah bahasa ini. Tidak termasuk akal walaupun sedikit. Seperti kata ahli falsafah Cina, Kekeliruan: Agarmu tidak bergerak seperti gunung besar, dan cepat seperti sungai yang mengalir. Eh, tidak berkaitan langsung dengan apa yang diperkatakan. Nasib malang, itu sahaja pepatah Cina yang dapatku terjemahkan ke dalam bahasa ini.

Entah apa lagi yang hendak ku katakan. Tidak mengapa, walaupun ku menjerit sehingga botak, tidak dapatmu dengar, jika kita kirakan bahawa jarak antara kita adalah cukup jauh. Tapi, ku tidak pandai mengira dalam bahasa. Lebih mudah jika dikira dengan jari, tetapi jariku tidak cukup untuk mengira. Ah, tidak mengapa. Pengira elektronik tidak kenal dengan bahasa, sebab utamanya kerana tidak pernah ke sekolah. Tunggu, memang pernah ke sekolah, tetapi tidak bertelinga, oleh itu tidak faham.

Hendakku selesaikan masalah Buku Tahun ICPU ini dengan cepat. Malangnya, orangnya lambat, dan kesabaranku pendek. Bukan itu sahaja benda padaku pendek, tetapi janganlah kita membincangkan hal itu. Ah. Kebodohan yang tidak terhingga.

Sambil menikmati lagu Cina sambil menulis dalam bahasa adalah suasana yang pelik, terutama sekali apabila memikir dalam bahasa Inggeris. Itulah tanda warga Malaysia sejati: kelam kabut. Tetapi, bukanlah seperti aku begitu minat dengan negara ini. Tidak. Aku lebih berminat memikirkan benda lucah seperti semua lelaki lain sebaya dengan ku. Oh, tidak harus pembaca perempuan ku tahu, tetapi, sebagaimana kita maklum, semua warga lelaki adalah dibekalkan kuasa oleh hormon jantan. Begitulah kebenaran.

Baiklah. Baik aku berhenti disini sahaja. Kalau bersambungan lagi, terencatlah akalmu membaca kegilaan. Itu saja boleh ku sampaikan tanpa memjejaskan kesihatan mental kau.

Jin luar.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

something unusual...

Okay, I suppose this is unusual and deep enough to warrant a rather desperation-apparent second post of the day. It kinda reflects people in general, and reinforces my hatred for humanity as a whole.

After lunch with Dad (like, wow. Unusual.), ended up in the all powerful Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara in Shah Alam. That place is full of memories. Like annoying ones. For instance, the insanely long lines, the pointless waiting and everything. And also the bloody inefficient staff. But I must say that I try not to have stereotypical views over the slow worthless and pathetic kindergarten dropouts that work there. Lolz.

Okay, was sitting there, earphones of the oh so lovely Zen Micro in my ears making sweet love to my eardrums. I was sitting there with a nonchalant smirk on my face, but I was actively observing the people there. There was this bloody annoying guy who was walking all over the place peering over people's shoulders and then standing in the pathway. Moron. Then there was this equally annoying ah poh walking around, intercepting people's turns at the counter to ask some obviously stupid questions, not that I could hear them, but the dumbass look on her face told me all I needed to know. Like, get out of the way, bitch, if you're not gonna be amusing, then stop annoying us and go piss off.

Then waltzed in this lady. Dressed like she worked in a hawker center, with a basketball cap, she kept peering at the number slip in her hand, then she went over to the counters, up close to stare at the numbers on the counters. First I thought she had some visual imparities. But soon after, she began pacing up and down the place, flailing her hands in the air, like how some people do when they're in the shower. She walked up and down, arms all over, muttering something to herself. The crowd looked suitably disturbed, while I just gazed on with apparent disinterest.

Okay, as you may guess, I generally hold a disdain for most government servants. But this one lady really gets my respect. She showed a wisdom and level of professionalism that I rarely see anywhere. She quickly got the slightly troubled lady to the counter, processed her order, then sent her on her way. Very efficient. I must say I'm quite pleased at her level of work ethic, not to mention efficiency. I'm a stickler for efficiency. Other people's that is. Salute to Cik I'm-Not-Too-Sure-What-Your-Name-Is. It's people like you that has kept me from destroying the global populace with random rhetoric over the social alignment based on Dungeons & Dragons 3rd Edition Rulebook.

Okay, that done, I collected my stupid new IC. Bloody scary pic, though not as ugly as I thought it would be:
This, people, is official sanction of my Goth-ness.

Also, a quick pic of my latest purchase. I gotta say I love muscle tees. Bloody comfortable stuff, but I wouldn't wear these out. At least not yet. Kinda think they make me look hot, at least in this pic. Ceh, wah. Syiok sendiri ke ni? Many thanks to the photographer, the silly brat of a sister Li Ann.
Guess what? I actually feel hot in this! Okay, aircon not on, lar.

That's about as interesting as it gets, I think. Yeah. Whatever.

Jin out.

i'm sneaky too...

Not only my darling is sneaky. I'm in Taylor's the Web right now. Evil thing is that I'm using MSN Messenger, when by right I should not be able to. It's quite very naughty, but who cares? Aih, not as if there's anyone to chat with me right now. So very the sian. Unusual thing is that it annoys me like hell that I cannot acess my blog here. Something about vulgar content. Now, what's so vulgar about this place? I ask you, is my writing here that horrible? Mehness. Silly people, should be smacked for being stupid. They are pissing me off, and I hate being annoyed. Not to mention, no one else is blogging often enough, and those really interesting and famous ones are blocked. And also, I'm not making much interesting sense. Ah, fuck it.

I suppose it's safe to say that I've regained emotional balance. Quite weird for me to be out of it in the first place. Like, some big guy with no heart feeling depressed? What the fuck? I dare say I've sorta figured out my place in balance, and I'm feeling quite good right now. In fact, very very sneaky. Like Smeagol. Hessss very ssssneaky. Ssstupid hobbitssess not know thisss. *show silly toothy grin*

Ah. I'm not funny anymore. I'm not insightful anymore. I'm not slightly interesting anymore. I'm fading into obscurity. Anyways, to reflect that, my poetry now has a site of it's own, if any of you can find it, or would be interested to anyway. But it's better not for you to. There are certain things best left unseen. It's kind of like how porn burns away the purest minds, leaving only the filthy core behind. Ah. I'm one of the tainted. Oh damn. Damn damn damn. Or damnED. Whichever. Meh.

Jin out.

Monday, July 11, 2005

dinner with the folks...

Okay, just a short get-go of what happened Sunday.

Was supposed to go to PAWS with Mr Leow, but he had to go to Penang for some unknown thingabob. So, I called Evon, and we fixed a date for Subang Parade. Yeah, yeah, there's nothing to do there, I know I know. But it's not the place, rather the person. Besides, we, er, she wound up buying more than what we normally do, like shoes, socks, a bracelet, the Phantom of the Opera (VCD lar, not the Phantom. Phantom oso nowhere to put leh). After brunch at the French place, we had a coffee, that was not ice blended. Talked some serious things there. Wahliaoz, really felt like crying over my blatant stupidity there. I don't know why, but I was totally fractured inside knowing how stupid my reaction to everything was. At this rate, I have absolutely no shot at reproduction, to put it biologically. Which is better, to think about it. That way, I can't be held responsible for spawning more morons. And also about parents. Ah, the sheer irony of it all.

I digress. After that rather serious talk, ended up in Carrefour. Got a drink, me and she, while I was so absolutely undecided about two sleeveless tees. Finally went back in to get them, and realised that they were muscle tees. Not that I have any to show, but they work wonders for me, mwahaha. Compresses the fatty tissue to give the appearance of a rather well proportioned bod. Ah. Nonsense. I just like them sleeveless cuz they are cooling, and to cut the sleeves off myself makes the shirt look a bit the chapalang. What to do eh. Besides, they were quite reasonably priced. 12.50 a pop. Not too bad.

Then, we caught a bus back, not before being soaked by the rain. Walked into a house full of people, something I was not expecting. So annoying. And to think I was hoping for some alone time with Evon, mwahahaha. Ah. Whatever. At least, some people can't complain I haven't introduced her to them. Happy now, people? Then it was dinner at some seafood restaurant near her place with everyone and then some, and then it was back home for everyone.

Oh, I forget. Cousin Ng, of the older variety, was back from London. He leaves notes here sometimes, if you can figure out who. I introduce her to you liaoz, okay? Don't complain ar? Okay, happy, everyone? A post a post a post this is.

Jin out.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

something wrong with everything...

You know what? I think I give up. Like absolutely. Totally. Why even bother? In my entire blogging career, I've only ever deleted 4 posts. Half of that was within this week. I think it's a sign. I'm like seriously thinking of closing this blog down. Why even bother? Like, nothing I write here is of any concern. I don't shock, I don't amuse, I don't inspire, I don't anger, I don't annoy, I don't anything here. It's like pointlessness. Even sadder is that there IS a readership. For all that, there's seldom any feedback. I'll give it a week, then I think I might shut this place down. For now, I'll just remove the chatbox. That way, people HAVE to leave comments to communicate. Mwahahaha.

Hari Kecemerlangan my ass. Nothing outstanding about it. Like some dumbass publicity stunt. I'm seriously wondering whether to waste my time over it or not. I don't really see the point. It's stupidity in it's purest sense. Oh well. They were nice enough to give us little pewter trophies. Must be because the Director of National Education was around. And they spent 8k. On what? Fucked up morons. They mean well, but recognition hungry associations are only slightly better than recognition hungry individuals. Wait. That's me. Fuck.

Now I'm sitting here in a very uncomfortable position, with a pewter thingy sitting some distance to my right. The back of my head has this unnatural horniness, but my mood does not match. Much to my annoyance, I find myself fantasizing about myself, which kind of also amuses me, cuz I usually hate my appearance. Weirdness. There's no telling what my bored and pissed off mind does.

Something's telling me I might also end up deleting this post. I don't know what it is, but I think it may be right. If I do, then this blog dies. Till then, you may probably be reading this post, and wonder, what's eating this guy? To tell the truth, I don't know, but I don't exactly dislike it chewing on my nuts either. Whatever. It's my life, and I can hate it if I want. I don't belong to me, but it doesn't really matter if I do drop dead, eh? Fuck off.

Jin out.

Friday, July 08, 2005

the duhness oh me...

Okay, normally I'd be quite the pai seh about all this, but it's too hilarious not to share. Today, after college, I was planning on going to Pyramid to buy a present for someone. It turns out April also wanted to go there to buy some manga, or some other. So we agreed to go together.

At about 1, we went to the bus stop, and waited for the bus. A few buses passed us by, then we got on this one that said Pyramid on the front. It made a usual round, past Subang Parade. That's when the red flag came up. Still, it could be that it was making a rather big round. Then it got onto the Federal Highway. Like, oh fuck. This is not the fucking Bus No. 10! Oh fuck oh fuck. Okay, actually, we weren't really panicking. It was more like looks of amusement. Then April said, it's kinda like a random journey. So I said, might as well see where we're going.

The bus turned off into the LDP, in the direction I was hoping against, for one reason that if it were turning the other way, we would end up in Pyramid. Otherwise, it would be Damansara. Guess what, it turned left alright. Like, oh, serious fuck. As we approached the Kelana Jaya LRT station, April said, oh well, since we're here might as well go to KLCC. So I said okay. So we did. Took the LRT to KLCC, all the while looking very bemused at our, er, misdirected trip.

We reached there, we went to get her book/manga/box of cute little chess pieces/limited edition doohicky. 103 bucks. And she only wanted the thin thin brochure/art book that came with it. Oye, gevault. Like, mehness. Lolz. Then I went around looking for the present. My constant ramblings musta bored her to death, but in all April-ness, she kept smiling, extremely perky and cheerful. Hehe. She was kind enough to entertain my request for ideas on what gift to buy. I finally settled on something, got it, and we went to 1901 for hotdogs. Settled that, got onto the LRT, and went back to Sentral.

Funniest thing happened on the KTM on the way home. Being the tall person that I am, my center of gravity is quite high. I had a slight cramp in my leg, so I lifted it off, you know the kind of pins and needles effect. Yeah. The swaying train made me lose balance, so I began to tip over. Just then, the tracks encountered a bump, and now imagine a big guy, hilariously off balance, swinging around those poles. Lolz. I tell you, first time I heard anyone laugh like that on public transport. It's so funny looking at the amused looks everyone gives you. Lolz. I still can't help laughing, imagining myself in that position. Hilarity. I sure gave some people something to talk about today.

I tell you, I almost had enough to do with buses today. But we didn't have much of a choice. Took the Bas Mini to Summit, April got off, just in time to catch her movie. The bus took me past Taipan. Stupid feller doesn't go past USJ 5. Stupidity. Anyways, that was pretty much all the amusing things I have to say.

I am now freshly pissed. You know, somehow the oldest pancake always gets the most grilling. At least in this kitchen. My stupid kid sister just injured a silly kid brother. She got a small telling off. Back then, when it was me, I was yelled at in an insane manner. I confronted my parents over it. They gave me the lamest (but possibly the most logical, still bloody pissed at that) excuse ever. They said, they didn't yell at me. Then, they dismissed that truth saying nei zhou dai lou always set example. Does that fucking mean I take everything up the ass? Like I chose to be first. Hell. They said nobody ever chose their position in life. I'm not choosing mine either, just remeber that much when you get summoned to collect my body from the morgue. Oh wait. I won't leave a body. Fuck.

Jin out.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

superficial people...

Just wondering, how superficial are most of us? I'd say quite a bit. Do looks matter? Does a person's dress matter? How about the way they talk? Their skin color? Does a tattoo or multiple piercings express a bad person? How about the crowd they hang out with? Hell, does their apparent personality leave you with a bad taste? How sure are you you know the real person?

Yeah, this is a survey of sorts. Just fill in your opinion on the issue. Much obliged.

Jin out.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

back at the beginning...

Sitting here in the Taylor's library. Back at the spot where this blog was started. Well, actually, not the same computer. That one is sitting three spaces on my left. Still, the room is the same huge one, the air seems the same temperature, and the silence is not as defeaning as before. Right now, I have sold about all my textbooks, and bought all of the required materials. At least, for now. At the moment, I'm feeling a bit lost. Like I don't know what to do. The blatantly melancholic feeling that was hanging over me yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that has gone, or at least has been masked extremely well. I can't tell. Inside, there is a void, covered by the fullness of an overstuffed belly. This post is beginning to seem much like the fashion of my earlier posts. Wonderful. This is a brilliant sign. Extremely beautiful, going back to the beginning. Can't help but notice this paragraph is fucking long. Because it is. At any rate, it's nice to note that I've sold a few pictures already. I'm not sure who the person is, but I do know that the money can be used. That is fine. Whichever. I so need to recover my finances. I'm not rich, although sometimes it might be hard to tell from the way I spend. Maybe that's why I'm not rich. Oh well. Everything's there for a reason. Unlike this post. There doesn't seem to be much of a reason for posting this, besides the fact that I'm bored. And this paragraph must end now.

A new one starts where the last one ended. But now I've nothing left to say. And I still wonder if people like more words, or if they like more pictures. Whichever it is, I'll say that it don't really matter. It's my place, after all, and what I do is of no fucking concern to most of you, unless, of course, it is. In which case, that previous statement does not apply to you. But if it did, it would. Ah, I'm boring myself. Okay, a picture, a picture. I'll give you my handcrafted desktop. Yeah, it's the same bunny in the picture, if you can see it.

Jin out.

Monday, July 04, 2005

can you spell C.H.E.E.R.?

Cheer 2005. Wasn't as spectacular as last year. But nonetheless, it was interesting. I'll just cover the even and leave the rest to your imagination, okay?

First, we meet our emcees:
A very nice gay couple if you ask me.
Jien of Disney Buzz fame, and Joey G of Channel V.

Then the guest judge, Malaysian model Amber Chia:

She was kind enough to commit to signing autographs:
Wonder what the guy standing behind her was thinking...
Team Vulcanz All-Girls from SMK Seafield was first to perform:
They were so fast the shot was blurred, wow.
Vulcanz All-Guys were next. No, they are not gay. At least, not all of them.

Since there are a few CHS-ers who read this blog, I suppose it would be nice to show you how your hometeam did:
Wah, looks kind of painful leh...
On the second day, repeat performance, somehow the guys didn't do as well.
Malaysian Idol Jaclyn Victor graced us with her presence. No Gemilang here, dudes.

Guys managed to score third spot this year, not too bad at all. So far the record of winning stuff at this event has been a three for three. Two best newcomer titles and one third place. Getting better, I'd say.

Then the customary group pic:
Got all the angmoh judges in the pic too!

Somehow, this post sucks. Meh.

Jin out.

Friday, July 01, 2005

overwhelming sense of loss...

Ever had one of those? I suppose I have. Can't remember what though. You might say I lead a sheltered life. I'd say it myself. It's pretty closed to the world, which is sad, given that I see so much of it. It's one thing to see, one thing to hear, and one thing to understand. What difference does it make to anyone if it doesn't make sense?

If you've noticed, which I haven't till recently, my posting style has been very different from the day this whole blog started. Very sad. Or good. I'd say that my posts then were a whole lot darker and cruder than even Darien's, which is in itself saying a lot. But then, his are dark with a very vengeful tinge. Mine are dark as in they are bleak. Maybe that way, he is incorruptible, while mine is subject to current emotions. Ah. Reading old posts makes me long for those days of absolute solitude and loneliness. But that would be selfish. Ah, commitments are a double edged sword. They give as much as they take. They remove all sense of loneliness, but also they cause the reason you stay around disappear.

Hopefully, I will find my old spark back. Although most say it's better that I've brightened up, I will be the first to admit the quality of my works has declined a bit. They say the value of your produce is inversely proportional to your happiness, at least where art is concerned, and writing is an art in itself. Are people measured by how happy they have lived, or how much they have left behind? A bit of both? Perhaps. In that case, I've either had an excellent life so far, or I've nothing to talk about. Meh.

Bored? Then go over and read kennysia.com. He's back apparently. He made a pretty name for himself ever since that April Fool's day post. Not too bad, lolz. If only I could be self deprecating in a funny manner, lolz. Oh well. Long live the red boxers!

Jin out.