dag-nabbit!

Oh, fuckness. I wrote this great long post, but accidentally pressed the off button on my computer. Fuck fuck fuck. Sigh. Anyways, it was about this song Figlio Perduto, but I don't feel like writing anymore. And it was an interesting post too. Something you don't see too often on this blog. Sigh.

Anyways, I'll continue from where I left off. Tonight, my darling's gonna go to some friend's birthday bash. I think. I was contemplating accompanying her, except that I'll be sesated, plus also I wasn't invited per se, and also, I'll stand out like a sore thumb. Still, news has it that they might adjourn for a cup of evening tea after, so I might drop in there, considering how I could have conveniently decided to have a cuppa at the same place and the same time.

That's all I remember, oh fuck me for my stupidity. Crapness.

Wait, I do recall something. Yeah, just came back from XXX2. Rather random show, quite interesting, but terrible acting. But, the action scenes were good. Otherwise, the storyline was old and rehashed, not too interesting. I do plan to watch Mr and Mrs Smith, with my darling. Hope she don't decide to try to kill me after that, lolz. And also, not to forget the promise I made on our first date (before anything had really happened, lolz), need to watch Madagascar. Lolz. Sigh. I miss her. Hope I get to see her tonight. Wonder if there will be a swing, and stars and the moon, lolz.

This is one helluva relaxed weekend so far. Did nothing of value except wash the Saga, but that's just lame. I need my OWN car to wash. But I'd probably need to spend it myself. I read somewhere, that donors receive about US$25 per dose of sperm at sperm banks. Wonder how much they pay here? Lolz, imagine, If I work (ahem) really hard (ahem, again, lolz), I could have my own Ferari by the end of the week! Lolz. Still, I wouldn't like to find biological children all over the place in 10 years time, lolz. Not when I'll probably be starting a family of my own. Hehe. But I need money!!!!! Argh. I really need my own car and my own computer. At least. Then I'll have everything I need for the moment. Lolz. But human wants and needs grow, so, meh, satisfaction won't last.

I have discovered I like songs that tell stories, like instead of repeating verses, it tells a story. Lolz. Wait, don't almost all songs do that? It's speaking, but in verse to a tune, lolz. Could explain why I don't like rap. Rapping is like mumbling loudly and quickly. It's incomprehensible, but it's loud too. Fuck it. Come to think about it, I like punk rock and new age, intrumental and musicals, quite eclectic, except I don't like those mainstream stuff too much, like the Ashlee Simpson, or Eminem, or Spears, don't like Avril much either. In fact, sometimes I find them downright unbearable. But then, it could be that I get bored quickly. Who knows? Meh.

Need to reorganize my music, then stock up my new computer with it. Lolz. Just love Maroon 5, their songs make sense, on a level that most people still don't grasp. Something is wrong with my Zen. Need to send it in to fix. When the wire is pressed at certain angles, the speakers don't work. Weirdness. Don't know how I'll live without it, though. Maybe should take it to Hock Seng Leong to fix. I think it's probably a loose connection. Mehness.

I feel so free and relaxed, I should do some reading on Physics, mine is totally too fucked up right now to give me a 90+ final grade. Mehness. I'm too lazy a moron. Hehe. I should do something about my lack of willpower for positive enhancements. Like, I should be an absolute stud by now, if not for my lack of drive. Damn it, all my research points out that I don't have to work as hard as most other people for it, but so lazy, lolz. And my brains too, no work to get what I need, but it needs a bit of polishing once in a while, but the laziness that is me, fucked up. Lolz. Mehness.

Hmm, it should prove to be an interesting month ahead. About another 3 weeks of college, then a week of exams, about 12 hours for me. Then I'm done for the semester, nothing to do at all, but spend time with friends, and my baby. That's if she hasn't started Form 6. Which reminds me, she had a rude shock to not see her name on the list of Form 6-ers in CHS. But apparently the entire list is not up yet. So here's praying that you get what you really want, darling, just in case Form 6 is not what you REALLY want. *kis

Crying While Kneeling

Just looking out
onto the big black sky
Always
wondering if there's a reason why
That my mind don't stay
where it belong
Always
wondering why I had to write this song

It's a pretty pathetic chain of being
It's a pretty ironic twist of living
It's a pretty inane way of seeing
It's pretty normal crying while kneeling

Understanding what
this is about
Why
I'm waiting underneath a black cloud
Feeling that
I'm about to be disappointed
Why
is it that I've feel so disjointed

It's a pretty pathetic chain of being
It's a pretty ironic twist of living
It's a pretty inane way of seeing
It's pretty normal crying while kneeling

I wait here
underneathe a gloomy ceiling
Somehow
I just can't shake this feeling
Perhaps it's
a sign it's over
Somehow
I feel I need to get closer

It's a pretty pathetic chain of being
It's a pretty ironic twist of living
It's a pretty inane way of seeing
It's pretty normal crying while kneeling

Is it just me
or is my conciousness fading
Knowing
that it's time to start dissapating
Joking around
that we'll never get started
Knowing
that we're our own dear departed

It's a pretty pathetic chain of being
It's a pretty ironic twist of living
It's a pretty inane way of seeing
It's pretty normal crying while kneeling

Hehe, a song, after quite some time. I love Wen. Jin out.

update on today

Sigh. Got back the Physics test results. You know the one I was ranting on and on and on and on about? Yup. Absolutely justified. 31/40. Fuck. So low. And Joy Augustine said we could all have gotten a perfect for this one. Sigh. Electricity is the most fucked up of all my Physics topics. Fuck. On the other hand, we finished the OSSLT today. That last paper was boringness, I finished like 30 minutes before time, the hall was so freaking cold I couldn't help but sleep. But didn't drool like usual this time, lolz, cuz it was so cold no saliva generated. Sigh, was so bored.

Today was the main thoroughfair of the SAM charity fest. Incredible. So loud and noisy. Didn't see many people I knew, strangely. Hmm, and I thought almost everyone I knew was in SAM. Anyways, it wasn't that fascinating, though they did dunk their program director, it wasn't much of a spectacle. It's all in the name of charity anyways. One interesting thing that DID happen was that someone tried to dunk a ball at the hoop near the carpark. Lolz. He didn't get the ball through, grabbed the rim to support himself, and it broke off. Lolz. That was hilarious. The guys running the basketball thing were absolutely furious. They had to cover the costs to the repair/replacement of the hoop. Oh well, part of the business risks, right?

Nothing interesting happens lately. Ergh. The closest thing I have to exciting this week is tomorrow. Tomorrow we hand in the roller coaster project. I soooo need to post a picture of the coaster. Hmm, maybe I should post a video of it instead. That would make more sense. Does anyone know how to do that? Lolz.

I have two upcoming dates this weekend, lolz. No, their not what I'd call exciting, cuz exciting is ordinary. They are most fantastically mindblowing! Lolz, okay okay, exaggeration meter fried. Lolz. Still, they are pretty special, considering I don't see Wen very often, and have actually hardly seen her much, for that matter. Hmm. Randomness. Well, she has something to do on Saturday, might join her and gang later, if they determine where they're going. Still, Bangsar is a far way off, and it will be quite lamppost-ish of me if I do go. But still, it's the guy's duty to be there with his girl, lolz. And it will be interesting to see the persons that made up most of her social life during CHS. And to see the common friends of PokX and Wen. Lolz. Curiousity killed the cat. I don't like cats. So if my curiousity kills cats, is that exactly a bad thing? Hmm.

Pondering, wondering, I have another half an hour to go before the stupid meeting starts. Mehness. I hate this yearbook meetings. We never do anything. And Photography is kinda dead. My fault I know, but I have no time to plan anything so we have to make do with what we have. Sigh. Quite plain. And I'm doing such a sucky job, but no one else wants to do it. Must stick up a strong front and rally the troops. I hate acting, lolz.

I was contemplating, since my hair is technically colored, not dyed or highlighted, I was thinking of putting just a few neon blue highlights. Lolz. Something that stands out. Or maybe, if they have those glow-in-the-dark dyes, I could ask for those, expecially is they don't have a color in the daytime. That would be so cool, except very distracting when I go for those movie classes. Ms K will be so pissed, lolz. Mwahahaha. Still, I don't think they have glowing dyes. Hmm. Fireflies in my hair? Wow, obsessed with my pretty locks, so girlish, lolz. Maybe Wen wouldn't be too off the mark if she does get everyone to call me a girl, lolz. Oh well. I'm secure in my identity, only not in my motives, hehe.

It's rumbling outside, but there's no rain. Yet. The place outside is a mess, it's like someone overturned an egg lorry. Hehe. Randomly, I feel very hungry after consuming that sugar laden doughnut. Crap, getting fat, must not give in to urges. Lolz, randomness. Speaking of which, I do not recall mentioning it in my previous posts, but I did a weighing two nights ago. I was soooooo shocked. Lolz. Guess everyone was right. Lost a LOT of weight. In Form 5 I was a hefty and burdensome 140++ kilos. Insanity. Then two nights ago, I was about toucing 90. Hehe. I DID lose one third of my weight. Amazingness. Maybe the trick to weight loss is spending lots of alone time in a strange city in a strange country walking around aimlessly, in a depressed mood? Hehe. Might start a trend. And the airlines would love me, ticket sales will boom! Oh, the trick is also to not bring sufficient cash with you, so the urge to drown your depression in a binge will be significantly supressed. Lolz. Health guru Jin, master of self-deprivation. It's not anorexia, because you are not intentionally not eating, it's more like you cannot, because you can't afford the tram ticket home if you do. And the increased physical activity on reduced blood sugar levels helps to incinerate the fat. Lolz. Amazingness. I never cease to amaze myself.

Still, I'm quite far from crossing out that particular thing on my wishlist. The buff bod is nowhere near to be seen, and my fat lazy ass is too sluggish to even try to rectify that situation. Crapness, lolz. Maybe I should wake like 4 in the morning and walk to Taylor's. But that may soon prove unnecessary as my dad is planning on getting an Avanza, or an old Merc. Hehe. Either way, there should be an extra car, and it's likely to be mine, seeing as how my mom likes driving the Saga hatchback cuz it's easy to park, plus she don't like unfamiliar cars. Woohoo. Even driving an old Merc has a wow factor. It's the brand, not the car. Plus, they're solid. Not too shabby.

Poetry is useful when you're depressed, or when on a sugar high. I'm not on that insulin wave, so I really can't write much. And I am not depressed, nor should I be given I have no reason to be so. In fact, it's such a meh feeling that I wonder if I'll get anything done this week. Surprising it's even a factor at all. Mwahahaha! I need to change the background of this blog, though. I want to put one of my own. I think I'll design a good one, and then stick it in. Lolz. Randomness.

I love you, Evon Terng Ee Wen! Jin out.

flashbacks...

I am currently chatting with my sweet sweet Ee Wen, and a topic came up, something about dying and wills, which might bring my regular readers back to some of my previous posts, namely those written around my birthday. Something about a premonition of death and whatnot.

Then I recalled the short period that caused such a dramatic change in me. It's incredible. Two weeks of a lot of lonely wandering in a strange city and strange country, with limited money, and lots of time alone, no wonder my mind was kinda like put through a spin cycle. And I came back, and promptly was noticed for the immediate and drastic change in me. Hmm, didn't notice it myself. Apparently I WAS the life of the party, somewhat. And when I went to Dinesh's birthday bash (it was a bash, right?), everyone was feeling so dead, not least because of the number of breakups at the time, plus the new me wasn't helpful either. This is old history, why the hell am I bringing it up?

I suppose I should admit to something. At one time, I really did have the suspicion that I wasn't as straight as I thought I was, lolz. If you know what I mean. I won't go into details, cuz it's actually quite silly, and pointless, at that. But from the learning experience during that time I can say I can empathize with people that are not the same as me, which technically includes everyone. But I learnt not to discriminate against people because of their individual quirks. However, I will discriminate against them as a group if it just so happens to occur to me to do so, lolz. Like for example I will not discriminate against gay people, but I will discriminate against idiots. See? Simple.

Hmm, went to this blog, apparently it's the best blog in Asia. Don't see why. Some ordinary Singaporean girl with random words and a lusty appetite, but that's it. Hmm, people seem to be drawn to extroadinarily ordinary things these days. That could be why this blog is very very obscure. It's too good, that it's bad. Hmm. Intriguing.

Wow. I am popular and good looking, lolz. That is, if the words of other people are to be believed. Lolz. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the only one with no taste, cuz I find myself quite hard to be around, and hardly measuring more than a 2 out of 10 on the looks scale, lolz. Or maybe I have impeccable taste, while the rest of the world needs a tongue scraping? Stll, since my girl seems to agree with the rest of the world, I suppose they must be right. Hmm, need to fix my pretty head back on correctly, lolz.

Okay, joke's over. Seriously, I so need to fix everything properly. My life is like an old junk right now. It's running, but it's making a whole lot of noise, and parts are falling off even as I move along. And it's really slow, even slower since I have to stop and pick up the parts even as more fall off. Crapness. Still, I'm getting there, the question is when. At least someone is along with me for the ride.

Poetry, don't come easy to me, how can I find a way, to help me say, what I feel...

Dark Horse

In the shadows of the hills
A dark dawn rises
And a black shape rises
Agaisnt a foreground of light
Where the ponies prance carefree
They do not notice the black horse
As he comes into their midst
They mingle freely with the stallion
They notice not his color
But they know something is not right
With horse whispers floating
The black one gallops off into the hills
To go back to the place
Where dark horses go

That was for Ry, lolz. I love you, Wen! Jin out.

workness...

Hoo, looks like I'm not done with the coaster after all. It turns out to be not only a Physics project, art is involved too. Now I need to thematically decorate it. Hmm. Wonder how that's gonna turn out.

Today, I was put in a very very bad mood. I hate hate hate hate my latest performance on the Physics test. That subject seems to have issues with me. Half the time, it's real nice to me, with perfect scores and whatnot, the other half it's bashing me in. Must be flirting with me. Hmm. Whateverness.

I so determinedly need to fix my room up. It's quite a mess, though not nearly enough to evidence the testosterone that resides in that room. Maybe I'm just not that male after all? No idea. Anyways, the place is dusty, and I HATE dusty. And I need to put up a few crates-converted-into-shelves. They're hanging precariously on the wall, time to drill some actual holes to hold them in. And I need to rearrange stuff in this room. Lolz. And finally have an actual photo in that room. Strange, although I am a photographer, there are no photos of me near my room, lolz. And also, to clear the dust. Did I mention that? Hehe.

Fishness. I really really need to buck up on my Physics. Why is my electricity always so fucked up? Mr. Joy had to basically tell me one of my answers were obviously wrong in the middle of the test, and I knew it, and I couldn't answer it. Must be so disappointed in his star pupil, lolz. Oh well, when I first went in, I was only planning on passing the course, not acing it. So this is sorta like a bonus. Now the issue is how to keep from getting greedy. Lolz.

If you notice the two new links at the side, you will see that one says Query letters. Go there. If you're really bored, you'll see why. So random. Lolz. It's quite hilarious sometimes, and most of the other times, it's funny. Otherwise it's quite mehness. Lolz. Whatever that means. Here's something rather absurd, though I must say that it really applies to me. Sadness. Lolz.

I noticed that I seem to lack inspiration lately. Not my fault. I blame everyone else, mwahaha! Sigh. I should really be spending more time with Wen. Then I would have less time to go insane. Ergh. I miss her.

Jin out.

not doing what i'm supposed to...

I'm sitting in Taylor's Library right now. In the same place where I first started this blog. At a time when this blog looked really different. In a time when I had yet to meet my darling. In a time of severe boredom and free periods. In a time of nothing better to do. Lolz. Sounds like some boring old crap some old man would say. Well, I AM an old man, lolz. At least, technically a man, but still very boyish in behaviour. Aiks, feeling sheepish again. Grinnning with my right side of my lips curled upwards, making the face feel distorted, listening to She Will Be Loved on my Zen, while around me the world spins to a halt, while I should be doing something about the Data and Physics tests that are coming up in the next hours. Oh well.

My darling probably just woke up, and didn't know I have a free period, lolz. Oh well, if she checks, then she will know I'm here. Then in that case, I should probably be examining the squiggles in this open holder in front of me. My writing, when it's for my eyes, are so incomprehensible that I have to REMEMBER what I wrote there. If not, I can't read what's on it. The ink marks only serve to remind what I wrote there, not actually a statement of what I did write. And with Physics, that is really really bad cuz the formulae are precise. Eheheh. I used formulae, rather than formulas. Being correct to the point of annoying! Mwahahaha.

Oo, err, I have about another 30 mins before I go in for the Data test. Ehehe. Should do something about it, maybe. Oh fuck, skipping break today. At least PokX can't tempt me again today. Mwahahaha! Randomness. Boringness. Mehness.

Loving my sweetheart deeply. Missing her much. Jin out.

sheepish

First, a definition of sheepish. Very sheeplike, or feeling like a sheep, to say, foolish, or not very intelligent, or in Cantonese: pai seh. That's the mood I'm in right now. Yesterday's random melancholy is gone, don't know why it was there in the first place. Hehe. Also, I know for one thing that I'm very lucky to have someone love me for who I am (can't say that enough, cuz I always seem to forget that). So sheepish me would like to apologize for misinterpreting a few things, and would like to give a big thankyou to all those who cared enough to leave tagged messages on the side, although I really much prefer actual comments. You people's just being lazy.

The coaster is now working to perfection. The time is sufficient, it runs well only with rare hitches. It's so smooth, I wonder why I hated it at all, lolz. But honestly, the magic and mystique of the coaster still remains even though I now know how it runs, lolz. It's brutal satisfaction, watching it run. Sigh. Orgasmic. Lolz.

Sitting on the floor typing with an aiskrim potong in red bean in my mouth while chatting with Wen and Kim is a very interesting experience. My mouth is frozen, my fingers are numb, and my neck aches from the weird angle. Yet, it's also enjoyable knowing that I'm chatting with two of my favourite people, and enjoying a traditional desert while my gluteus maximus is being wasted away by my enourmous mass. Yeah. Even though I'm basically two thirds my previous mass, it's still quite heavy to be a 90+ kilo guy. Hehe. I guess that comes with the height. Now if only I'd look good in surfgear, that would be perfection.

Hehe, tomorrow there's a Physics test and a Data test. Then on Wednesday and Thursday there is the Ontario Secondary School Literacy Test. Stupid OSSLT. It's gonna be a real rape-fest this week. But somehow, I couldn't really be bothered. I'm already quite high up on the Physics and Data ladders, I can only fall so far with a 5% test each. OSSLT is an exam to be passed, which I heard is quite easy if you follow the instructions. So, no worries. If I fail, some people would say it's high time I did. And if I succeed, surprise surprise, as expected. This really makes me sound like an arrogant asshole, don't it? Well guess what? I am! Mwahahahahahahaha!

Back to seriousness, an interesting thought (finally!). When you try to reassure/comfort/console people, do you often resort to lying, or telling half truths, like: it's not true, you know that it's not your fault, it's fate, sometimes bad things happen to good people, etc. Not that I'm saying I don't believe my gal, it's just a thought that so many times we comfort people who are going through rough times, do we try to make them feel better by telling untruth? I, for the record, do not. If it's true it's their fault, I won't say it isn't. But I'm not without tact or wit, I just don't mention whose fault it is. Make them concentrate on positive things, or rather, what they should do next. That's helping. Telling them junk to make them feel better only works short term. When they find out that you were lying, they'll only feel worse. So if it's not true, I suggest you don't mention it at all. Unless that person needs a good waking up. Then you say it, the method depends on the situation. Lolz.

The upstairs hall is so warm. I can't wait until they renovate this place. Like, completely. But they might buy a new house in Bandar Botanic. Crap. So far away. From everyone and everything. If they do, they so are going to have to get me a car. But the travel time to my sweetheart is gonna be a killer. Sigh. Then there's also the issue of me going across the seas to do some reading. Weirdness. Going so far to read some books, write on some paper and hear some people talk. Sounds really stupid when you phrase it that way. But that's me: Master of Rephrasing to Make Things Sound Stupid, Dumb, or Irrelevant. That should be a degree in itself, lolz.

I love my darling. Still, I think I should put more into my efforts. That's why I find myself quite lame. I'm just not putting what I feel I should into this relationship. Still, it seems to work on this rather low powered input. Maybe it's one of those high efficiency machines they're making these days? Lolz. Randomness.

Meh

The question
The answer
The vagueness
The confusion
The understanding
The completeness
The word meh

In frustration
In apathy
In non-understanding
In agreement
In disapproval
In dismissal
In affection
In anything
In the word meh

Love my darling. Jin out.

feeling a bit pissed...

I should really be happy right now, cuz I finally got the coaster to completion. But I'm not. That damned contraption is very susceptible to random errors, plus it's not very aesthetic. And it's also 1.13 in the morning and I'm up typing when I have a Physics quiz tomorrow, and my Physics is quite fucked up already. As it is, I'm not doing too well in any other field, and the finals are coming up. If this keeps up, I have no hope of staying in the top 10 of ICPU. And I'm not even trying anymore. Maybe my 'gift' only worked before I turned adult? Sigh. Then I would rather be dead.

I've not been a good boyfriend lately. I haven't been there for my darling, my messages are replied late, I say nothing meaningful, I sound desperate, and last but not least, I'm quite lame!!!! Sigh. I asked what she saw in me. She said, I was me. That's a relief. In a way, it actually is, knowing that there's someone who loves me exactly the way I am. On the other hand, it means I'm not much to look at, or think about. Sigh. I'm so fucked up, I really want to break down and cry. Except for some reason I don't seem to be able to do that. And I'm too tired for physical violence. I wish someone would come rape my brains out right this instant.

My fingers are really numb. So much writing, and molding and twisting this week. And I've been quite the bitch with a few people, I feel. Ah well. I'm too tired to either do this or that, even this post is not making any sense at all. I could probably typed out a long list of random letters and it would probably make as much sense. I feel like dying. My computer downstairs has been sodomised by some fucking virus I accidentally downloaded. Hope they come up with the patch for it soon. It's blocking all my Java scripts for some reason. And I can't acess any email accounts. So, I'm doing this all upstairs. Fuck my stupidity.

Today, well technically, yesterday, was Dad's birthday. Went to a seafood restaurant to eat. That's it. Well, he also basically built my roller coaster for me, lolz. Can't complain. I think my lack of sleep and my fucked up-ness is getting to me. And the lack of poetry posting is adding to the boredom factor of this page. And recent complaints indicate that a few people object the profanity on this page. Oh, fuck it, lolz. I really couldn't take the effort to speak nice and well structured insults and cuss-words in this condition, let alone in real life. Oh well.

As for the signout name, I don't care if it suits me. Who am I, anyway? Not who I used to be. That's for sure. I think everyone who knows sufficiency about me will concurr.

I love my baby, Wen. Jin out.

progress report...

And today's progress report: generally good, wonderful all throughout, feeling slightly bad for my lack of dedication, and quite pleased with my work so far. Woke up fine, went down to do the coaster, Wendy came over, stayed till 7, got about 50% of the track laid out working, and feeling bad that I wasn't able to be with my darling when she was feeling down.

I don't really have much to say today. I bound my loose music sheets, then went out to do the coaster. It works well, now just have to make sure it's consistent. Crap, feeling quite useless. For some reason. It's probably the inability to do anything, in all fields, at least for the moment. I need a shower, I'm sticky and I'm higly uncomfortable but I'm too lazy to do anything about it. And I found a new wound on my hand. Damn those wire meshes, they can really pierce skin. Oh well, it's fine. Not bleeding to death anyways, not yet at least. Hmm.

The mood is rather mehness. No condition to philosophize on anything. No wonder my blog is dying out. It's not interesting anymore. No poetry, no crap shit. Aish. Maybe another 2 week hiatus? Mehness.

Jin out.

ehehe...

Shoulda posted last night, but due to a promise and counter promise, didn't do that. Oh well, better late than never. Would be easier without this splitting headache anyway.

Yesterday I woke at 6, supposed to wash the cars, but fell asleep again. So lazy, lolz. Anyways, finally did get up at around 8, got out of the house and washed both the cars. Isaac came over to do the rollercoaster thingy. We did lotsa stuff. Took the Merc out for something to drink, came back, resumed. Wendy came over, he was late. Yeap, he. He's from Indonesia, so I think that explains the name. Anyways, Isaac had to go for lunch or something, oh well. Then Dad came out with this brillian reworking of the track. Using square wire! Woohoo! No more spacing issues! Now just the layout of the track and we're done! Ehehehe. Got changed around 3.30, dropped Wendy off at SS15, went to Megamall to see Wen.

Hehe, won't say what we did, but I feel quite stupid. For some reason, I think I may have overstepped my bounds, andI'm not only quite embarassed, but I almost feel like smacking myself over the head with a cleaver. Stupid boy. I'm telling you, it's absolutely a fact that I become overconfident easily. I think I may have upset her, and I don't know if it's just me, but I do tend to go overboard, and stuff like that. Argh!!!! *slamming head on table repeatedly*

Sending her home was an experience in itself. Darling, your directions are extremely confusing, and on the way out, I discovered and easier and more straightforward route to and from your place. Next time, I try that. If only I was better at night navigation. You're right about your dad. He's a bit not-as-tall-as-you. And I do see the family resemblance in Min.

Got back at around 11-ish. Shoulda done my homework, but I'm too lazy, lolz. Fell asleep while waiting to use the bathroom, lolz. I was that tired. Anyways, I suddenly awoke at around 2, realised I hadn't showered, went down for a drink, then took a cold cascade. Then removed the dehydrated contacts from my eyes, and fell tried to sleep. Fuck the splitting headache. Come to think about it, it hasn't gone since last night. Ergh...

This morning Physics was meh-ish at best. Then Data was like stupidity cuz me, the top student for Data in ICPU, forgot to do a simple assigment. Lucky thing this was a study class. So while the rest were busy talking, I did my assigment. English was okay, I suppose, did our Renaissance medicine presentation. PokX seem much better, he actually did quite well during the presentation, and was sniggering to himself all throughout the lesson later. He's starting to worry and annoy me. Oh well. At least he hasn' tried to kill himself yet. That would be very messy.

Oh fuck this headache. I shouldn't be staring at a computer screen while sitting in a Calculus class. And later there's an additional Physics class and then I have a meeting to chair. Fuck, I don't know if I'll survive through this headache. Fuck fuck fuck! Sigh.

Love my darling, but I feel so stupid. Is it always like this? Can't seem to say or do anything right anymore. Especially around her. Damn, I had to retype the last line like 7 times. I'm so blur and screwed up. Sigh. This is no a good condition to be in. I don't know if I'll remain concious for long. Better leave the poetry for later.

I love Wen! Jin out.

is the future for me to worry...

I am really afraid. I was thinking of what would happen at the end of the year, and honestly I don't want to go there. Everything seems so final. Sigh. Life, ends like I know it, and I only know my life. So if it ends, does it mean I know nothing?

I feel so foolish. I can't speak to my sweetheart over the phone. Everytime she calls, my heart just stops, my lips dry up, and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth. I never know what to say to ANYONE over the phone, but when she calls, it's like a panic attack, lolz. I'm always so afraid I'd blurt out something hurtful or stupid or something. So I usually say very normal things. Sigh, if it wasn't for my inherent weakness, I'd call her a lot more often. So stupid, so stupid. Smacking my head across with a spiked mallet doesn't half tell of the stupidity I feel. But I always feel so comfortable with her, in person. She's so approachable. But still very shy, ehehe. Not to say that I'm not a bit. Common male problem, never know what to do with my hands. Ergh. And my arms are really really long. Sigh. So many defects, don't know what she sees in me, lolz. Oh well, she loves me and I love her and that's all that matters, I suppose, lolz. *kis

Why oh why oh why must the Science department of ICPU decide to do a roller coaster this year. I blame you, Mr. Joy Maryaraj Augustine! Head of Science for ICPU, and you couldn't give us a culminating project that does not sodomise us completely? Shame on you. And it's so time consuming, too. Aih, fuck it. I'm just gonna make a track that runs well. That's all. I really seem to be flunking all my tests anyways, might as well be consistent.

English presentation is not going well. No reahearsal yet, because we don't have the time. Oh, fuck it all, I will wing it, even though Miss K says there's no way we can do that. I suck at rehearsing, and the only time when my presentations are interesting is when I do it offhand. And if that ain't good enough, then I suppose neither am I. I've sorta given up on being the top student anyways, it's giving me the bloated-head-which-causes-everything-to-be-fucked-real-bad syndrome. So much so that I really have to mentally check my attitude all the time. Which is also a concern when I'm around her.

The thing about me is that I get real cocky after I get something right. And then it always comes back to fuck my rear, lolz. Honestly. I do perfectly well, as long as I feel I'm still noobish and don't know much. That's when I listen and actually don't do brash and arrogant stuff. But when I get it right, hoo boy. Go ask anyone who knows me. Go ahead.

Moonlight Kiss

quiet glow
reflecting off your beautiful eyes
i see you smile
and my heart skips a beat
the utter peace
such serene wonder
i hold your hands close to my heart
to let you know who it beats for
as your silken locks gleam in the dark
your whisper echoes off the trees
bouncing likewise in my mind
but it's nothing like the bliss
when we share that moonlight kiss

Ehehe. A thought, or reality? I love you, Wen. Jin out.

thankyou, darling...

Okay, okay, this is not gonna be long, but my sweetheart deserves mention, and more. That absolute honey of a girl went well out of her way to find me that ballbearing I was looking for. *kis Darling, I'm on my knees right now. Thankyou thankyou thankyou! Ehehehe. Sorry if I wasn't too articulate over the phone, my lips become numb whenever I hear your voice. I actually dropped the phone when I got the call, I get so nervous everytime you call. Sigh, so sweet of you to do that. I owe you even more now, you know?

That was the ecstatic part. Now the fucked up part is that I have no excuse to delay completion of the roller coaster anymore. It's really urgent I complete it by tomorrow. So, we have to completely scrap the original material chosen for the track, and we're moving from steel wire to rubber tubing. Rubber is easier to work with, but not as good, and definitely not as cool. Still, with lack of time, we really have to hand in something rather than nothing. And to make sure it works. Oh fuck.

I love you darling. Thankyou thankyou thankyou. Do note, I loved you loads even before you did this, lolz. *kis See you online later, okay?

Jin out.

sigh, randomness

I think I may seriously need to rewire myself. This is sooooooo fucked up. I can't believe I got a 5/10 for yesterday's Physics quiz!!!!!! That's twice in a row that I basically sodomised myself (hmm, interesting visual there). Anyways, that's not the point. The point is that I'm screwing my chance of being top Physics student in this place, which I really want, for bragging rights, lolz. Maybe I'm just trying too hard, and as history tells me, if I don't give a fuck, then I usually end up fine. But since I care so much about it now, it kills me. Ergh. Thank God Wen hasn't begun to screw me yet (the bad kind of screwing, you pervs...).

Today was the second day in a row that Ms K didn't come. It was like Godsend. Amazing. Apparently she's stuck in Kuching or something. Ergh. Well, at least we're getting some work done. And I soooo need to start with work soon. But instead I stayed up till 2 with Wen doing my blogskin. Sigh. Sorry, darling. Shouldn't have kept you up so long, but I didn't realise the time. It was so absolutely fascinating. Hehe. At least your family knows about me. Ehehe. But your mom's reaction was a bit, err, extreme?

My parents on the other hand, oh hell. None whatsoever. Mom barely batted an eyelid when Dad mentioned Wen, name and all. Sometimes I wonder if she was listening. The funny thing was that Dad knew at all. And the name. Normally, he don't even know what I'm doing in college. Now he knows about my girlfriend? Wow. I really wonder what they know about me in that case, lolz.

I was thinking. Wen would look really nice with her hair down. But she seems to like it tied in a ponytail. Hmm. Try lar, letting it down. Want to see what my darling looks like. *kis

Sunday Morning is really a song I overplay. But it's just sooo addictive. Lolz. Same goes with Utada Hikaru songs. Some sort of wierd compulsion. Subliminal messaging, perhaps? Then again, don't we all have wierd compulsions? Like the curry vegetables from the place behind the market. And the springrolls. And that fried chicken. Cheap place to eat, but requires inner random compulsion to make us walk that distance to eat there.

Fuck, getting concerned about PokX. He's like really cracked up, but won't admit it. I think he's having some *ahem issues, but as everyone knows, no one knows nuts about him. I was thinking I could find out by trying, but I forgot I do things best when I don't try. So, right now, I'm gonna try not to try to find out anything. It's not that I'm nosy or anything, it's that I'm getting very concerned about his moodiness and everything, and I really want to help. Also, it's getting quite annoying eating with someone that dark. Kinda like eating with myself, come to think about it. Ergh.

No poems. None at all. Nada. Nyet. Too lazy to write, and not depressed enough, lolz. And being too in-love also does not bode well for my writing skills. Plus, I have a fucking 9% test for Calculus tomorrow. Hmm, my ass hurts from all that shoving, maybe I could skip it? Nope, 10 foot pikes have a long reach when they need to. Hergh. Better go get the lube, lolz.

Jin out.

P.S. that post just smacked of deja vu, I don't know why. Mehness.

zest for life...

First day after 9 days off, sooooooo not good for an ICPU student. First thing I got back this morning was a Physics quiz paper: a fucked up 6.5/10. Oh, fuck all the insane fucked up fuckers who fucked my fucking fucked up brain of a fucking moronic fucker! Oh fuck. The last time I got that was my first quiz. Is this a sign that I'm regressing? If this is so, let it happen quickly, back to the embryonic stage, then finally split into sperm and ovum, all while standing here.And let those two half cells revert back into their core component chemicals. That, and only that, is complete non-existence. To reverse into nothingness. But the real issue here is not what I want or need. It's what SHE wants and needs. If she needs me, here I'll stay. If she wants me, here I'll be. Anything for you, sweetheart.

All zest for life seemed to disappear from 8.00 - 9.15 this morning. Then Physics ended and I felt very light again. Data was rather random, for some reason. I felt quite, erh, what you people would call happy, but I suppose it was more like contentment, or comfort. Then came news that there was no English, joy! Spent the third period in the Web, with PokX, and the rest of the English class, doing random research. That hour was such a waste of my time, really. Sigh. ICPU may have been the course for me, but somehow I'm not really liking this fucking situation. Anyways, lunch was meh, what with PokX in that funny mood again. Went back to Calculus class not to do anything. Ergh. I hate it when I blog about my day. Fuck it.

It's strange. My life is always being fucked, and I'm still virgin, lolz. It's randomness, yes, but I suppose that it's my lot in life. And I'm never one to settle for mediocre. I'll get what I want, alright, or I'll die trying. If it's something my baby wants, I'll die trying for her, too. Except if it's a stupid request, lolz. In that case, I'm only willing to be severely injured, that's all. Sigh, I miss her dearly, and the cards are finally coming together. Maybe it's time to show our hand?

I kinda like my new hair. It's a bit wierd, considering it's me. Yeah, Eu Jin dying his hair such a lala color, lolz. Absolutely wierd, eh? Well, it's Jin now, and no, it's only lala for a short while. When it grows in a bit, it will have that two tone I want. But telling from Vic's reaction during dance class, he was like, oh crap, Eu Jin doing this, and now he's swearing, too, what has the world come to, oh crap, lolz, that was just hilarious. And he just couldn't stop staring, lolz. Poor kid, lolz, he's so bored he's taken to playing World of Warcraft. So sad. I'd join him, except I have other comittments now. Lolz. Still can't stop grinning, it's so funny.

Yeesh, the beer gut's coming back. And I don't even like beer. Oh fuck. Need to really hit the gym. Honestly. And I noticed I'm becoming really weak, it's surprising I can even hold my own weight. I can barely bend that spring bar in my room anymore, I'm getting so scared it's not funny anymore. Sigh. Okay, I think starting tomorrow I'm going to go to the Taylor's gym. Heard it's mediocre, but hell, I'm gonna get my money's worth.

Other Kid

Other boys
Have their toys
And their groups
And their games
While I sit alone
On my own

Other boys
Go around
And do their stuff
Having fun
While I sit alone
On my own

Sometimes I wonder
If I'm strange
Maybe it's just that
I'm not the same
Or perhaps it's me
Who's the other kid

Loving you, sweetheart. Jin out.

can't sleep

I've been up since 2.45 this morning. Insanity. Actually, it's okay considering I went to bed at around 10-ish. No idea why. But I seem to work best at the dead of night. Now, if only some of the work would make sense.

Sigh, I'm falling into that part where I'm starting to think too hard. Thinking about everything. Like, growing up and moving out. I suppose there comes a time in your life when you HAVE to move out. It's basically the life cycle. You grow up, find a job, get a mate, start a family, raise the family, retire, then die. Right now, I'm just not ready for that. There used to be a time when I couldn't wait to grow up and start working and so on. But right now, peering over the edge, the absolutely brutal reality of adulthood scares me. Ever since the initial euphoria has died down, and also the initial self reassurance that I will do things MY way, I can't seem to reconcile the fact that I'm no longer a teen. Not that I've ever actually been one.

Never truly had a life, sad to say. All that things you people have seen so far is just the fascade. Inside, I never really lived the life of an adolescent. Of course, that is considering a comparison with everyone else, and as far as I know it, I've never been like everyone else. In fact, I was some sort of an outcast, or in this case, an incast. I had no real group of my own, I could fit in almost everywhere, but there was always one uniting factor that distinguished me from whichever group I was currently in. Be it fashion, or games, or sports, or anything, it didn't take much to ostracize me from any group. Even the ones I was proficient in, like music, it was easy to see that I just didn't belong. Harsh truth, Kim: when you and Jane pair up at the piano, I just don't fit in anymore. Same thing to Vic, Ry, Zhao, etc. I fit in fine until they talk sports. Then I'm lost. Hell, even when they talk games I'm lost. And it doesn't get any easier when they pull me into 5D gatherings. I don't belong anywhere at all. And in college, I'm some sort of stand alone. I can talk to anyone, yes, but I can hardly say that the interests I share with any particular person even remotely allows me to be associated with such. In fact, it's kinda sad that the only reason I fit anywhere at all is because I know just a little bit of everything as to be able to make conversation, but never enough to stay for long.

Sigh, I'm not ranting, nor am I advising, nor anything with any emotional value other than melancholy. The only one I can turn to right now is my sweetheart, and I really honestly shouldn't be burdening her with this nonsense. She has a life to lead, and I shouldn't pile on anymore emotional luggage. Hell, I shouldn't even be writing this here. I'm sorry, baby. It's just that it's really late and I'm probably cranky, or slightly moody. And I know I should be doing my work, but I just can't concentrate with so many things on my mind. I love you.

Sigh. Really, really, really thinking too hard. Maybe I need more sugar. But that would only work for a little while, while the blood sugar's really high. Then when the crash comes, I will be even more depressed. Why the fuck should I be depressed at all? I really should be at an all-time high right now. I have someone who loves me for who I am, and I love her. I have resonable financial stashes, and most of my material needs met. I have functioning brains, installed with adequate software, and the functional machinery to carry out the processes.

Could it be that I'm finally turning normal? Having the urge to be like everyone else, or at least fit in with everyone else. Or perhaps, I finally found a group to call my own. People with like thinking flock towards me, and I to them. We are different, in that we don't think like everyone else, because we see the truth, and are oft more apt to suffer from it than others are, but we would rather know what is and perish than live a lie. Or would we? Sometimes, I think, for the sake of Wen, I should go to a normal life. It's not easy living with someone like me, and I know it, because I find it hard to live with myself. I know, I'd be really driveless and directionless without her, and it would be a very hard living without her. Likewise, I know that she needs me, and I want to be there for her, but not at a cost to make her suffer.

Maybe it's just that I'm still unused to the concept of relationship comittment. I really love her, but I'm so new to all of this, it sometimes just fries the circuitry. I feel the smoke rising from my head, my brain throbbing in my skull from the overload. And I wouldn't trade it away if it means giving up on what I have right now. Perhaps I'm just taking this sacrifice-myself-for-the-rest-of-the-world thing a little too seriously. Taking the hits just so others can continue at a comfortable level. My willpower will be the death of me one day, and it almost has on a few other occasions. Not that it's an entirely bad thing, but NOW I have someone to live for, and that makes all the difference in the world. I can't afford to go yet, ready as I am, because I have more unfinished business left. A lifetime to lead with that special someone, a lifetime of betterment to the world.

Don't get me wrong. I don't believe in the concept of owing anything to anyone. I don't think we owe our elders any respect because they're older. That's hogwash. We don't owe our leaders any respect just because they lead us. We don't owe anyone our lives for no apparent reason. We don't owe anyone anything by virtue of their status. Nope. We owe them only what they have given us. It's a simple concept really. If they do nothing, they deserve nothing. Take for example: the only reason I owe my parents anything is that they gave so much up for me. Likewise, I owe nothing to the leaders of this fucked up country because not only have they not given anything of value to me, they have TAKEN away from me. In this case, THEY owe ME. And don't get me started on respecting older people just because they've lived longer. Anyone can live long. Very few can live well. I respect many more kids a lot more than I respect older people. I think I've mentioned all this before, but it don't hurt repeating.

Sigh, the heart aches from distance. The soul breaks from not knowing. And my mind weeps knowing how false and doomed my world is. Only that one rose at the end of the tunnel of light can make me walk this footpath of broken glass. Lovesickness is something I'm familiar with (now), but it's not the same when you know she belongs to you, and you to her, and having already confirmed it with the world. It's not the same because you always want to be near her, to comfort her and to be comforted by her. I miss her in ways I do not understand. I miss her when she has to go to the ladies (lolz), I miss her when she has to talk on the phone, I miss her even as I dream of her while typing this. Sigh.

I don't even want to stop writing now. It's painful to do anything else. The perfect spelling and punctuation of this post is killing me even as it nourished the need to write. Perhaps I should be a writer. Or perhaps I should be a poet. Maybe I should write with a lens, or compose with film. Or mayhaps I should just perish, after having seen to her happiness, of course. Or perhaps I should just kill these thoughts right now, to end all worries from all parties. And stop this longer-than-necessary post. The clock now reads 5.20. I've taken too long to write this. It should have been done in 10 minutes. I took too long. Now my lights go out in my head. I have no more inspiration. I love you, Wen.

Jin out.

okay, another cute cute post...

I love my darling, she's the best! Lolz, today was an absolutely wonderful day, of walking around and talking randomness. Sigh. I think this is bliss. Slightly awkward for someone like me, with no knowhow or anything, but I feel real comfortable with her. Good sign? I hope so. Love you darling.

Okay, cute cute part over. And it's not like you people are supposed to know more than this, lolz. Now to business, a few issues. Like the lack of time spent on homework that requires days to do but somehow only eats up 5 hours max, of actual time. That's me. Crapness, so lazy to do work, I feel like I'm going mad. I have two major assignments due by Monday, and I'm still yet to honestly begin. I can't help being so lazy sometimes, but honestly we all know better than that. So I propose to actually do something. I need all of you to help pray for me. Really. Not joking.

Darien, go get yourself checked. Honestly. And do something about it too, not just find out. Of all times, this is not one where you should add worry to your internet friends that genuinely care about you, least of all on your girl, cuz after what she's given you, I think you should do that at least. Or, make it a point to do it anyways, cuz it sure is bugging the hell out of me, to know that you know about your health afflictions and are not doing much about it. Or is you are, good on you. You can come over and rape my brains out for crapping so much on something that don't concern me one shit, but you cannot very well blame me for worrying about your current state of being. Besides, I need you alive to entertain me.

Speaking of worry, many many many of you are starting to worry me. My sweetheart's right. The world is a dark mirror of our moods. We're both so happy, but the problem is that everyone else seems to have issues of an unpleasant kind. Very, very, very, very, disconcerting. Many of them are really quietly depressed or something, and try to hide it by expressing their happiness for us (thanks guys, but that's not the issue). Veevs, I most certainly did NOT say vale of somethingness, quote me accurately next time. And perhaps stop worrying about what others want rather than what YOU want? That could work. Kim, I'm worried about your over zealous happiness for me and her, is there something you want to say? Your overabundant happiness is making me think there's more to it than what you're telling. Okay, these are the specifics, everyone else is just worrying me due to the rather down mood you're all in. Oh, and PokX, what's up with you? Like honestly someone died. I hope that's not the case. Sorry if I DID rub it in, didn't mean to, but I'm really really happy, can you blame me? And you win the coffee. And you know who she is. So, thank you a thousand times, I'm indebted greatly to you, but this doesn't mean you get more than one coffee, lolz.

Sweetie, I love you so. Hoping to make it work, doing my best to see it happen. God be our guiding light. Can't really write more than that here, this is sooooo public domain, lolz. That's all, I guess. Poetry at 12.11 am is not really inspirational, I think.

Jin out.

P.S. When I said I was writing a finality, I meant I will have a signout, just so you would know I really have ended the post. Like see the above? That way, it's kinda obvious where I stopped writing. Thank you.

life is a nutshell. right, is, not in.

I think I will stop posting in this current method. Everyone's been making fun of me, lolz, not that I mind, but most of the comments coming in lately are very, well, ergh, you get the idea. And also, what happens behind closed doors should remain there, and there's where I'll be keeping them. If you want to know more, you have to work at it, and believe me, you're gonna have a hard time. So I suggest you don't. Mehness.

I so seriously need to buck up on my college work. At least I finally got the materials to do the coaster, and it's all almost set up completely. Now the tricky part is to fix it well, and place the tracks securely. And oh fuck, the timing we need to test. Aih, crapness. Guess it's more than time to find the time, lolz.

It's also time to take myself to a higher level than where I am right now. For her and for me. To many who know me, it may seem that I know a lot, which is true, on one level. But honestly, it's hardly enough to make sure it's what she deserves, and what I should be. Some say be satisfied with what you have, and some say always keep striving. I say, be satisfied that you can afford to strive at all. But never be satisfied with what you have, because satisfaction is not happiness, and never keep striving, because you'll never stop. Always want more, because we have to continue to the next level, even in relationships. Otherwise, we tend to give up. Likewise, don't always keep working, if not there's no point in getting what you want if you never use it. Likewise, I plan to make full use of myself for her, and to make sure she gets the best I can offer.

Another point to note, in a relationship, we should never think of what we can get out of it rather than what we can put into it. If the other person really cares for you, you'll get more than you need. If your other half doesn't, you won't. That's really not up to you. What is up to you, is what you can do. I suppose it's the same with life. If you are only interested in getting stuff, you'll probably only get the stuff out of the bottom of the barrel. Sure, you could be getting many good things, but it's not likely. People that put a lot in tend to have their hand in the barrel a lot more often, and so tend to pull out the top choice bits. Of course, they could be unlucky, but they will get their share enough.

Someone once said, well actually many people say this; good begets good, and evil begets evil. Wrong. Absolute hogwash. When since was that true? If that were so, good people would never suffer, and bad people would always suffer. Is that the case? No, because if it were, I would suffer a lot. I'm not exactly the best person around, in fact you could say I'm downright bad. I won't go into details, because you should know that when I say this, I mean it. Fullstop. But yet, I'm so blessed with a good family, good oppurtunities, good brains (actually, not so sure about this one, lolz), good friends, and most importantly, a great other half (love you, darling). How is that? I mean, should the tooth for a tooth rule apply, then I should be just dead, or at least tortured out of my mind right now. To all those old people shaking their fingers saying how all these bad things will befall us because of the music we listen to or the way we dress or the words that are coming out of our mouths and whatnot, I say this: meh. If that were true, you old foggies would be twitching in agony six feet under!

The world's not fair, and the truth is, everything happens because it was meant to happen. Everything is part of a divine plan. The situation is like this: everything that has happened is meant to be, but not everything that is meant to be will happen. This supplicates both ideas of fate and free will. Everything that is was a series of choice we had to make. If something was meant to happen, then we have a choice of making it happen. That is free will. However, if something did happen, it was meant to happen. That is fate. This situation, as you can well see, neither lays full blame on man, nor does it take it all away. We are partially fated to certain things, but we also have the choice to change that, if the way is provided for.

This illustrates the way my sweetheart and I found each other. We were meant to meet, through a mutual friend and the most unlikely circumstances, but since it was one of the meant to be options, it happened. However, nothing would have happened if a certain mistake (ahem, ahem), didn't occur. And still yet, nothing would continue if the choice of possible outcomes was bit chosen correctly. It's both fate, and the actions we play that determine where we go. I suppose one of the higher levels that we have to achieve is realising this.

No, that does not mean I have reached that level. Knowing and realising are two different things. The major, major, problem with people in general is that they use words too interchangeably. Like they use the word like in replacement of love (sorry darling, I don't like you. I LOVE you.). And the word intelligence for smartness, or cleverness. And being wise is not the same as being intelligent. Come on, people. Learn to live, instead of being cheap replicas of each other. It's nothing unique trying to be unique, nor is it trying to be normal. It is, however, very special to want to be yourself, not because other people told you to be, but because you understand why it is that way. Learn to live, attain that higher level!

Meh, I think people are starting to get me sick. From now on, I'm adding another feature to my blog, lolz. Actually it's not a feature, it's more like a definite signout. You'll see what I mean.

Live

Imbeciles
Every last one
They do not know
Laughing, cursing, crying
It's not the same
To be alive and to live

Fools
Every last one
They do not see
Liking, lusting, loving
It's not the same
To be alive and to live

Retards
Every last one
They do not see
Who, what, how
It's not the same
To be alive and to live

Love you loads, darling. Jin out.

i going broke liaoz...

Sigh, if this keeps up, I'll really end up the househusband, lolz. Spending a lot of money these past few days, think I blew over 300 bucks over the weekend. At this rate, someone really need to keep my money liaoz. Anyone have any good part time jobs to offer me? Must be high pay, require specialised skills, and short hours. My fortes are English, and talking at random. I know a smattering of almost all generic fields of knowledge, and can use chaos logic to an alarming degree. Anyone?

Would my darling like me to say who she is? Everyone's so curious, I just don't know if she wants to become so famous, lolz. Also, just like to know, what would she like me to call her? Besides all those cute cute names, should I call you by the name before the surname, or after? Meh, this shouldn't be in public domain. Alright people, that's all the details you're gonna get. This is supposed to be in private!

Randomness, lolz. This blog is cracking up, nothing interesting happening in my life, and the whole day is spent thinking about her! And what time is NOT spent thinking of her is spent worrying about my fucked up school condition. All my previous perfect scores for Physics have dissapeared, all my near perfect scores for Calculus and Data have also evaporated. Sigh. I feel like crap. Thank God for you, darling. Hope you can give me fresh inspiration. I soooooo need it right now. The pure confusion is just killing me. I can't stand it. So need to see your face, and talk to you, in person. Sigh.

No poetry, can't think in a confused mood. I'm half happy, half sad, half ecstatic, half depressed. Sigh...

work work...

Lolz, third day into the relationship, and we're still going strong. The only problem is, this crazy gang rape of homework that ICPU students have to suffer, sigh. Oh, well, it's actually plenty of time, really, but it's things like this blog that eat up that hours, lolz. Laziness...

Roller coaster models, so complicated, sigh. Need to get a working model up by Thursday, complete an English presentation by Thursday, finish a Calculus extra-credit by Thursday, need to recreate life by Thursday, sigh. Lolz. Scratch that last one. Why Thursday? Cuz I promised my darling the whole day, the trick being if she can get out of the house. And if I can finish this crap. Sigh.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about this, at least not at this stage, but I'm really worried about how this relationship might end. Sigh. Don't want to think too much, but I have real concerns. For instance, I am most probably going to Australia at the end of the year, and she's gonna be doing Form 6 or going to a local U. How will a long distance relationship work? As it is, we've hardly even seen each other. Sigh. Don't want to think about this. Don't worry, darling, we will work this out.

Fluctuating appetite. Wierdness. Sometimes I'm ravenous, sometimes, I could barely touch the stuff, lolz. See what you've done to me, darling? Lolz. No matter, it evens out. At least the mood's not that fickle. Quite a constant happy/pleasant/glowing lately. Niceness. Lolz.

Be waiting for you, dear. Enjoy yourself at work, okay? Not long more to Friday, lolz. Counting the minutes...

She's the Reason

She's the reason why I write
She's the reason why I smile
She's the reason why I wake
She's the reason why I walk
She's the reason why I play
She's the reason why I stay
She's the reason why I do anything at all

joy joy...

Gloriously wonderful time! Haha, ecstatic is one way to desribe it. A long and beautiful blur is another! Woohoo. Never ever thought it would happen, lolz. Even less considering the circumstances. Sigh, now have many more responsibilities to cover, don't know if I can cover it, lolz. Oh well, all part of the adventure. Where will it lead me to, I don't know, but I trust that it will give me much to learn. Mayhaps, I may have much to teach?

Lolz, wishing she could be here right now. I so need some help, fuck! I lost my English assignment sheet, and I feel so freaking stressed. And Ali just popped by to buy some cards. Hope he makes it worthwhile... Woohoo, 150 bucks. Chicken feed, compared to the 2k I was expecting, but sold a lot fewer cards, lolz. Oh well, at least the money's coming in, gonna need a whole lot more a whole lot sooner, though.

Randomness, never thought much about it, but just being in a relationship is uplifting in itself, even moreso knowing how special that other person is to you, and how special you are to that person. Lolz, here's to praying it leads to something good, lolz. Love you, darling.

She's the One

Never thought it possible
Never thought it would
Never thought it probable
Never thought it could

That chance could lead to someting
That chance could give this joy
That chance could bring me laughter
That chance could show me you

I know that she's that person
I know that she's my inspiration
I know that she's needing me
I know that she's the one

i think i got the answer...

Lolz, I think I just got the answer to the question. Rather straightforward, that's what I like about the clue-giver, lolz. But I won't say what the answer is, that is for the clue giver to give, lolz. If the clue-giver is willing, then it will be told, cuz it was a very interesting question, and I'm not about to tell the secret, lolz.

Floating between ecstatic and delirious now. Insanity, or absolute sanity, I don't know. But the answer was an interesting one enough that it produced such an effect after deliberating the answer for so long. I do seem to be speaking in riddles, don't I? Lolz. Well, guess away, lolz.

I was wondering, is it potaeto, or potahto. Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable? How many peas are there in a pod? Are there more men then women in my head? Lolz, too delirious/ecstatic/random to say much useful stuff. Even my sentence structure is falling apart... Mehness...

ecstatic and confused...

Something interesting happened to me on my second day as a legal adult. I won't say what it was, but rest assured it was something I had never ever seen/heard in my entire life. I was in the middle of a perfectly mastered music piece (playing it), when it came. I spent a few minutes contemplating it, then resumed playing. Somehow, the notes didn't align right after that, lolz. Wow, must have been that shocking to the system, subconciously, it seems.

Right now, I'm in a rather unsual state of balance between ecstasy (the feeling, not the drug!), and confusion. Ecstatic for a reason that will remain undisclosed, and confused in not knowing the next path towards that reason. Only one person can answer that, because that person conveniently put the question where it was not, lolz. Still, it is rather confounding a type of question, and I'm not given many clues on going about solving it. Need some help, wonder if I could get that person to give some ideas, lolz.

Watched Be Cool with Zhao just now. Kinda random for a movie with Travolta, but interesting kind of storyline. But very random. And evil Zhao bought a box of popcorn and hardly ate half, rendering the rest unto me to finish, damn you Zhao. Fat already still want to stuff the fat little rabbit, lolz. Oh, well. Waste not want not. We, meaning Zhao and me, went downstairs to the arcade to play Generals. Lolz, first time I'm playing a computer game in like 4 months, amazing I'm still this good, lolz. But the computers were crap anyways, lolz. Then me, Zhao and Jules went back to my place, popped over to Pn Poh's for a little chat, joined by Evans. Chit chat on random but somehow correlating topics, then we four went for dinner. Lolz, long time since Jules went out for something this late. Anyways, nonsense talking during makaning time, then got home, took a shower and came online, for no apparent reason. Hmm, this blog is becoming a lot like Kel's. Mehness.

I just don't seem to be able to write much poetry these few days. Hmm, only melancholic moods can give these abilities. And a not a few people have already stated their concerns over my seemingly constant state of depression, lolz. Well people, you choose either poetry and depression, or no poetry and my current hyperactive state, lolz. Brain functions are crashing, lolz. Goodnight, everyone.

finally 18...

Lolz, I'm sure many of you would have noticed my lack of willingness to accept my age. Today, I woke up and just decided I was gonna be who I am. So age doesn't really matter. My initial concern was that I would become like the many before me, the powerful willed youth becoming the conforming adult. Then it struck me, all my life I have been different from everyone else, but also the same. Why do I need to become the side that is the same, when I could become the side that was different? No mediocre existence for me, I will go out and do the colors of the portrait that everyone is a subject of, and if I fail, then it will be a spectacular failure, and if success comes it will become the paintings on the wall.

Anyone who wants to come and gimme the traditional tempeking is most welcome. I am most deserving of it, lolz. I really put many people through a lot of auditory and visual stress with all my real life ranting about my age, and also the online ranting too, lolz. Anyways, I apologise for that, shoulda found the solution quicker, considering this is me I'm talking about.

Today as I was making my way back from college, I was hijacked by two long-time friends, and was subjected to many curiousities of sorts, lolz. I was handed a pink wrapped present, thanks both of you. And also many cheerful and hearty smiles. Feeling a bit stupid right now, considering my rather vague and expressionless response to the welcome. Sorry. Lolz. Anyways, really like that present, never woulda thought of getting it myself, considering my current spend-only-on-black theme these four months, lolz.

When I got back, I went upstairs, took a long random nap, shower, cold (guy thing, lolz), and some other randomness. I went downstairs to do something (I forget), and my mom told me that my present (oh my God, another one!) was sitting in a blue bag on the wooden desk in the middle of the hall. Oh my, I couldn't look, I felt like such a brat, already I have an early present, and I've not been a very good person lately, and a whole lot of stuff I could burn in hell for, and still they went out and got it for me! I'm so lucky, I don't deserve to be born, lolz. Sure, parents antagonize you on a daily basis, but that's what they're for, lolz. Likewise, we also antagonize them, true, but considering they are the ones that provide for us and put up with us and stuff, I feel like such a sick loser, lolz. Anyways, really really grateful to have parents like mine, actually scratch that, to have MY parents at all. Thanks, God, hallelujah, praise be!

Not forgetting those that took the pains to send me birthday wishes last night, I love you people. You people make it worth the while, and I sincerely hope for your forgiveness on this superb example of assholic behaviour from me, lolz. You guys are the best! And also to those that took the pains of saying it in person too, thank you. It would have been a gloomy day already, thank God for the sunshine and the relatively well-mooded people, and stuff. Sigh, blessed beyond deserving.

I'm sorry, there won't be a poem today. I don't do cheerful stuff to well, lolz. But I might soon be posting pictures as a regular feature on this blog, with the powerful 6.1 MP CCD on my Nikon D70! Wakakaka!

the truth is...

Interesting, what Japanese concepts used in anime can do to your mind. Just finished the Ragnarok series (yes, yes, cheesy), and although the storyline is rather predictable, it was something I had to do after waiting a fucking long time (like 3 months) to download. One repeated idea in the show is the concept of truth. The idea was that every character in the series was seeking for truth (like, aren't we all?), but each had a seperate perception of it. To one, it was power, to another it was human reality, to another it was love, and so on and so forth. In the end, the truth was the fact that nothing is for certain, and each truth is not absolute and is subject to each and every individual. Plus, the closing episode has lots of lip-to-lip kissing between two childhood friends, lolz.

That got me thinking (everything does that these days, sigh), what is MY truth? What am I seeking? What is ANYONE seeking for that matter? For me, it was seeking who I am, at this moment, in this place, for this reason. And right now who I am is an aging teenager, on the verge of a few hours to end childhood, in my house in front of a blinking screen, for the reason that I don't wanna grow up. Strange, especially from a guy, at 17 years and 364 days and about 7 hours. Sigh.

My life is at a point that many people would envy. Money I have, brains are finally starting to work, my creative muse is at it's peak, finally getting the looks that have been missing so long (lolz, right.), making lots of connections, meeting interesting people, finally feeling valuable. And yet, there is a strong want to end it. I don't know why. I'm hoping it's just imbalanced brain chemistry. Probably is, except that imbalances don't usually last as long as 6 years. Yeap, since I was 12. Oh well.

I've taken to etching little poems into the desks in data class. I've written one rather steamy, but short one, about sex, naturally. I think about 2 on depression, 1 on suicide, 1 on love, and the one worth writing down again and typing here:

I'm dying...

Aging before my time
Have done nothing in this time
Never been loved, never been missed
Never tasted love's first kiss
Born a virgin, dying as one
I leave before the play's begun
Crying alone does me no good
How will I ever be understood
I guess I'll never know what this life means
Since I'm dying at age eighteen...

death notes...

Ever had an argument with your parents? Well, duh. No kidding. There's this interesting column in the Sunday Star called the Generation Gap, where people write in to tell of their stories involving said title. Some kids write how alienated they are from their parents, and some parents write how bratty and whatnot kids have become, but some stories are really the heartwarming kind, like how despite their differences, both parties are actually one and alike, and blah blah blah. Awww, so sweet. Anyways, I have known this for a long time, and although I don't usually like to write specific stuff about specific people, especially if they are undesirable traits, I suppose I really must.

Today, I made a rather random statement: I think I won't buy my camera liaoz. Then suddenly my mom got all riled up and said all the normal stuff that parents say to their kids: You know your dad never bought... blah blah blah. So it is my fault that my dad never bought a new car, or never got his own camera until God knows when, or this and that. And I was being ungrateful for complaining about the 6k I got. Wow. If I even knew I said all that by speaking 8 simple words, then imagine when I give presentations. Must be speaking on the creation of life, and the precise historical lines from God knows when.

Now, normally when confronted like this I would shut up, but I was already in the pissed up mood I was since Tuesday, and so I very calmly said: what has that got to do with my not buying the camera? And I got shot back again, something about playing music and understanding tones and whatnot, it's all so confusing. Then something about reading between the lines and being ungrateful (again), and also about not saying what I mean and stuff. It's always like that, and I can't have a normal hypothetical, let alone factual, conversation with my mom. Everything I say is an affront, or is double edged, or something. And when I don't say anything, she says I'm hiding stuff, or avoiding the issue. So I can't win either way.

If I really say what I want to say, then I think I would have tp change my address and name. Because you don't want to really know what I think when I get pissed. I am not a pleasant person normally, and even worse when angry. So I try not to get angry. Also to mention double standards, my sisters can get all pissy and no problem. If I say anything in self-defense, I'm being rude or insurbordinate or something. I can't take it anymore. I need to get out of the house, get a job or something. In fact, the only good thing about the house is my room, and the internet connection. Oh, and the piano. Other than that, I really have no reason to go home at all.

Speaking earlier of money, apparently I was being very ungrateful with the abundant presents given to me. I am of a very good mind to refuse the money now, and keep the Zen only because it was bought with money from a prior agreement. I never asked for the money, and I would rather they bought a gun with it and shot my brains all over my room. Seriously, I was thinking of writing my will, leaving my meagre possesions with a few people, then stepping in front of a speeding bus or train or something. It's not really suicide, it's more like intentional accident. That way, I can't technically go to hell for that, now, can I? Well, maybe technical isn't something applicable in heaven, cuz as far as I know, God knows all minds. Sigh. Someone will have to kill me unawares then.

On pancakes, I have no idea why they didn't just throw this one away while it was cooking earlier, so they could work on better pancakes. The batter was already screwed, and yet instead of throwing away crap, they continued to burn it on the stove, when they really shoulda just made better pancakes and paid more attention to them. Sigh. Useless as a genetic sample, worthless as a physical sample, pointless as a mental sample, and fucked fucked fucked as an emotional sample. I don't know why I bother. As far as I can see, my continued existence will only bring me to pointless and worthless work for the next 3 decades or so, then I will just die in old age, alone and worthless. I cannot fathom why people want to live so long. To see the world? Why? Nothing lasting about seing every fucking monument in the world. Sigh.

Life ends the moment you become an adult. That means I have about 4 more days to live. I hope that physical death accompanies it, really. That would settle all this money issues and ungratefulness issues, and also issues that I'm no longer some people's friends, and also issues about not pulling my own weight around, and a multitude of issues. I just wanna say, like I have said before, I am not the right person to come for help. You will be better off without me. Sure, I try to better those I can before I go, but in retrospect, you will do better without me. For those I help give wings, thank you for making my life that bit more meaningful. Now I can die with one less regret.

I only have one real regret. Ever being alive. How nice to have been a miscarriage. That way, I'm sure to end up in heaven. How nice to have been stillborn. I would have ended up in heaven. How nice never to have existed. Then I would never have to take up space in heaven. And better still, I woulda made way for someone more deserving to take my place in life. All my friends would have had someone that could give a lot more than I did. All my enemies would have had someone more worthy to fight, or heck, may not even have enemies. My family would have someone more worthy of the attention and love and money to shower on. And the world would have someone greater to take them out of this hellhole they call life.

It's nice to know that people actually come here to read for entertainment. That makes me feel so much better. Gives me reason to use actual spelling, and actual words. Wow. You people are the best. Just as a nice reward, when I die, what would you like me to give you? I don't have much, but I could see to it that you would get what I can offer. That makes passing on so much less a burden. Hmm, as an additional gift, I'm signing up as an organ donor on Wednesday. Need a kidney? Give a gift on my birthday. How splendid. That way, if my premonition is correct, than about err, 5 people will be given the gift of a better life. Hope they can make better use out of this heart than I did.

Love love love. I have stopped loving. Please forgive me, you know who you are. I have to end my emotions, have to end this soul. I'm sure you'll understand. At least it will make you feel less guilty about it all. You have done no wrong my dear, only to let me live that much longer. I want to cry as I write this entry, I want to feel the sharp pain of doing this, but I feel nothing except the grammatical correctness of writing a legible entry. I suppose, in that way, it is suffering knowing I can never love, nor cry, nor feel. I even backspace to correct the order in which I typed that last sentence. It is sheer evil. I have stopped loving, and soon even my hate and malice will end. Soon, even though the body may live, I have a strong hunch that the soul will die, and this time it will not be born again. It will end, and dissipate. The gifts that it arranged from the body will fuel the souls of others, and perhaps it will live through them. That will, perhaps, make the difference.

Must buy PokX a present for putting up with me this long. Hmm, speaking of giving gifts, would anyone like a Zen Micro?

Final Destiny

Packing up my luggage
I know the time has come
To leave this station
To get on the train
Though I have no ticket
And I know not to where

Stepping on the platform
I hand out goodbye gifts
Some are material things
Of holdable and hedonistic joy
Some are pure intagible
Not some physical toy
Some of them are vouchers
To redeem a lifelong present

I get onto the train
There is no turning back
I look out the windows
And see many faces
Some tearing some jeering
Some angry some sad
Some happy and also glad
And I think I see one
Neither laughing nor crying
Neither angry nor sad
And I see it's a mirror
And it's my face set within

As the train chugs away
The people waving their goodbyes
And my ticket appears in my palm
But I refuse to look
To see if it is red or blue
To know it is to see futility
In the hopes that even on this final path
The train might derail
And never let me reach
My final destiny

i hate...

I think I might have a had a sudden turnabout. I decided that I hate humans. I hate people. I hate persons. I hate everyone and everything. Sorry, dearest friends of mine, I have to hate you too. I have no qualms about hating my enemies, because I have none. Everyone is my friend, and I hate everyone. I hate myself too, cuz I happen to be a human, at least genetically. I hate myself. Look at the side panel, it will say something about children and pancakes.

Now, I think that everything's going dandy for everyone. Perfection. I hope everyone's having a good time. That way, I can spend less time worrying about everyone else, and more time on me. Not that I haven't been particularly narcisstic lately. In fact, I would have an alphabetised list of things I have not accomplished this week on account of me, except that I was too self centered to care. Take for example this post. I'm far too distracted by me, to care what I'm writing. See? Random rambling. Maybe I should stop posting right now. I'm in too bad a mood to care about anything. I'm such a selfish turd. Would someone take a nail gun and shoot me through the heart?