Dangerous it may be!

I recently found an old spiral-bound notebook from college. It was surreal and kind of fun to flip through it and find notes from lectures I attended in Fall of 1999, remembering some of the classes I enjoyed that semester. Several pages of Hebrew practice! Ahh.... I loved studying Hebrew.

And then....

My eye caught hold of something potentially hilarious. A paper, carefully folded, peeking out of a folder. The exposed part of the paper, as you can see, says: Dangerous it may be

Haha! I was missing some punctuation. What did I mean? Dangerous it may be? I'm intrigued!!

Opening the paper was one of the funnier moments of my life. I SO remember doodling it. And I remember folding it up, and writing the warning: Dangerous! Also, take heed: it MAY be! As in, this is dangerously possible? Also, this is a dangerous thing to contemplate! And a dangerous paper to not burn!!

Inside was my name, doodled over and over and over again, as I often do when I feel like doodling (I have an insatiable desire to doodle sometimes, but no artistic talent, so I sign my name!): Auburn Williams, Auburn Williams, Auburn Williams.

Doesn't sound too funny. Until you remember....

I was not Auburn Williams.

Yet.

I was not even dating a Williams.

I was best friends with a guy named Matt, who now lived in Korea and would not be back until 2001. Was he in love with me? Absolutely. Had he ever admitted it? Hahaha!! Heavens no. Hahaha!! Had we ever flirted with the idea of dating? No. Not at all. His mission took priority over some crush on each other. But, yes, we were the very best of friends, and I loved him, truly deeply loved him. As a friend. ;-)

And to no one but myself, very, very dangerously, I admitted I had perhaps thought of marrying him. And here, 12 years later, tangible proof shows up in an old box of mine with an old folder in it carrying an old piece of paper with the warning: Dangerous it may be!

Well, what might have been now IS. Unless you count my other doodles....

Our children's names!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

First funny thing:
There were five kids.

HAHAHAHA!!

Second funny thing:
I had their ages written down, and a few of them were only 2 years apart. Oh, how my thoughts changed.... :)

Third through seventh funny things:
The names!

HAHAHAHA!!

Here they are, the names of my theoretical future family with my best friend, in order of birth:

Nathaniel Rulon Williams
(We actually hung on to Nathaniel for a middle name for a long while, it being the Hebrew form of the name Matthew. We never wanted to name a kid after Matt, but this seemed like a wonderful little way to go: great meaning, great language, almost named after his Dad but not really. Rulon is Matt's middle name, so I guess Nathaniel Rulon was my nod to Matt in both names. Rulon has never made a name list other than this one! I was surprised to see it here. :))

Emma Caroline Williams
(This is actually quite lovely. Emma dropped from consideration when it popped up to the #1 name in the country, but it's still so cute. And Caroline was on our shortlist of middle names for a long while. If we had had a little girl in 2003, not that we were trying for one that early but we did have a name list going, her name may well have been Mia Caroline Williams! So, I guess it's funny that I thought of a name back then that actually stuck for a little while.)

Christopher Joseph Williams
(Another goodie! Joseph Christopher and Christopher Joseph made it to our shortlist, actually. Not so sure anymore that we like Chris Williams OR Joseph Williams. In theory, yes....  But then we say it and aren't so sure.)

Jonathan Michael Williams
(This name went the way of all the earth long before Matt and I actually got together.)

and, finally, the really terrible one...
Aria Lynn Williams
(HA! What is that?)

Now, those were just the final names! I have other ideas scribbled around! Christopher Michael Williams. Jonathan Michael Williams.

Then I have the heads of the family:

Matthew and Auburn Williams
Dr. Matthew Williams / Auburn Williams

Then I have my signature practiced: Auburn Williams Auburn Williams Auburn Williams

Then I have poor little Aria's ugly signature practiced: Aria Lynn Williams Aria Lynn Williams

Then I have the kids' names all written together, as if to test out:  could this be a group?

Nathaniel, Emma, Chris, Jon, Aria

Then, in cursive:

Nathaniel, Emma, Chris, Jon, Aria

I guess I did all this to try to discern or intuit.... Does it feel possible? Hmmm.... Does it?

The answer must have been yes. Because I folded up that paper. Kept it safe. And declared it dangerous. "It may be!!"

Beauty: Part One

Anne: "You little know how utterly wretched I am."

Marilla: "I little know how you got IN to this FIX, but I demand that you tell me."

Anne: "He positively assured me it would turn my hair a beautiful raven black."

Marilla: "Who did? Who are you talking about?"

Anne [choked up]: "The peddler we met on the road today!" [boo hoo hoo!]

Marilla [trying not to laugh]: "Well. I hope this has opened your eyes...to see where your vanity has taken you...."

Do you know this hilarious scene?! (I hope you do!)

It played itself over and over in my mind as I laid in bed, ironically unable to open my eyes. I kept hearing Marilla's voice: "I hope this has opened your eyes...to see where your vanity has taken you!" And then I'd laugh. Or want to.... Not that I otherwise felt much like laughing.

And in case anyone has ever considered a heavy-duty chemical peel on your face...DON'T! Don't consider it! Consider instead the words: chemical; peel; and, face. Together. It's almost as ridiculous as the words "botulinum" and "on purpose." (But not quite.... I mean, come on. Nothing—nothing—not even a butt implant [haha!], is as ridiculous as the #1 most deadly toxin known to man being injected into your face so you can't move it. Seriously, people....) 

When I was offered a free chemical peel, I failed to consider the ridiculousness of the idea. I just heard: free. Hey, why not? It's free! Maybe it's awesome! Sure, it's intentionally burning my face with chemicals. But it's free! Free!!

Here I am at some point during a three-round extravaganza of putting chemicals on my face to BURN my skin off:

Here I am the next day, taking funny pictures to document how incredibly red my face had become:

Little did I know....

I thought it was funny that my face had gotten red [bwahahaha], but day two is when things really blew up. Literally. 

I woke up in the night and realized, oh wow, my face is kind of swelling. 

Took a bunch of ibuprofen. Went back to sleep.

Woke up in the morning...and....

I could hardly open my eyes!! I looked like a gourd! A pumpkin! Two little beady eyes being swallowed by a tight, oozing mass of tumor! 

And to prove just how humble I am, I will let you see.... Hahaha! Mostly because it's hilarious. But make no mistake: it had been much worse than this. Really! Unfortunately, I have no documentation since I couldn't be bothered with things like taking my own picture when my face was folding in on itself. But here I am at about 70% disaster:

Now, let's compare that to the most unflattering photo of normal-me possible. Here I am, normal-ol me, with bed hair, no make-up, even frowning in my sleep and probably drooling, with a cross-eyed baby in my arms. I now see this as gorgeous. ;-)

I spent an entire weekend completely incapacitated, which is just ridiculous. Incapacitated because of a vanity measure? Puh-lease. I could hardly handle the insanity of it! This is what idiots do to themselves, not grounded people like I thought I was. I must be an idiot! What next? A tanning bed? Vacation time for my facelift and lip implant? A four-hour hair treatment every month while Matt gives me my "ME time"? I'm laid up by this?! Hahahahaha! A chemical peel?! Me?!

Luckily, I didn't have church that weekend. (Can you imagine how I'd have scared the kids? Hahahaha!) Also luckily, Matt had the weekend off. Heaven knows how kids can get on for a weekend when their mother has had her face burned off. (Really, I couldn't take care of them!) I laid in bed with cold, wet towels on my face, and a fan blowing on it. Matt got me a prescription for steroids which gave me my eyes back and, eventually, some semblance of cheekbones. Matt would come check on me (or bring me Maren so I could try to blindly feed her before smothering my face in towels again), and I'd just laugh and moan and laugh, and I couldn't stop saying: "this is so dumb!! This is SO dumb, Matt!"

Do you need to see the picture again to remember just how dumb it was? Haha! Laid up in bed for two days! Couldn't open my eyes! I mean, this is how life goes when something bad happens to you, not when you VOLUNTARILY burn your face off. On purpose. Douse your face in chemicals so it burns off. Voluntarily. What is that? And why did I do it? (Oh yeah.... Because it was free. Stupid, Auburn! Stupid!) It was comedy of the absurd, if ever I've seen it.

Here. Look at the picture again! Look at it!

Hahahaha!!!

Anyway, no, it wasn't because my skin is sensitive. (It's not, particularly.) It's because it was burned. I burned it. On purpose. With TCA (whatever that is). I burned it on purpose. 

I did this because, apparently, it matters how your skin looks. (????)

And here's the point of number one of this installment: It doesn't matter.

It really, really doesn't. It just doesn't matter. Things that do matter? Oh, let's see.... A million things. (Not the least of which is being able to open your eyes! Haha!) How about being comfortable in your own skin, sans beauty treatments? How about being comfortable in your own hair? Your own curves? Your own non-curves?

How about just being clean and presentable, and trying to see yourself the way your Creator does: as infinitely valuable, with not one whit of that value coming from your appearance. Not one tiny whit. 

I hope I think of that next time I'm offered a free self-mutilating beauty procedure.

And if I don't, maybe...at the very least...I'll think of this:

Hahahaha!!! (Oh man! This picture is too hilarious, I can hardly stand it! Hahahaha!! It hardly resembles me at all. I honestly wonder if I'd know it was me if I hadn't been there myself! I only wish I'd been able to make it look even more pathetic. I took SO many pictures trying to get the saddest look possible, but this was the funniest I could get. Turns out it's hard to move your face when it's exploding.... ;-))

Meal Planning

I have had the hardest time meal-planning ever since...well, for as long as I've had to! As a college student, it was just so hard to cook well for just myself. Why put the effort into a real meal? After too much cereal, mac and cheese, and grilled cheese sandwiches, my buddies and I found temporary salvation in the world's best dinner club. Woo hoo!! I still miss it, because meal planning is hard. I don't mind thinking up what to eat. I don't mind cooking something to eat. It's the having the right things that gets to me! I just can't stand wandering through a grocery store, trying to pick out the right combination of things to make dinner for a few days. I can't stand writing down a week's worth of ideas and buying a gazillion things. And I just don't have the time to coordinate recipes that have similar ingredients.

Enter: E-Mealz!



I think I like it, people. Lots of different meal plan options. (Low-fat, low-carb, vegetarian, gluten-free, etc.) Super-cheap. Every week, you get a meal plan with a grocery list. All the meals can be prepared in half-an-hour or less! Easy recipes. Tasty. Easy to scratch off ingredients from your grocery list if you nix one or two of the meals (they label all ingredients by meal). The grocery list even comes organized by aisle. With links to coupons. You can even sign up for a Walmart plan, or a Ralphs plan, or other grocery stores, and the recipes will be coordinated with the specials the grocery store is having that week. Holy cow, they've thought of everything! Try it!

But if you try it, remember two things:
1) Sign up for it by coming back here and clicking my banner link in this post! I get some kind of referral bonus. :)
2) Use the coupon code: dave

I think this may be my salvation. Liking it so far!

Cheers

Lately, I've been watching a lot of Cheers. I watched Cheers as a young'n, and then got into it again when Seth was a newborn (Matt and I would watch it way late at night when it was on during Seth's wakeful times :)). Now it's on Netflix. But this time around, something has changed. Sam Malone has just...


reminded me of...

who? Who is it?

When it came to me, I couldn't stop laughing. Hahahaha!!!

Carbon copies. Even down to the hair obsession. :-) Aw.... Mitt and Sam....