Should I?

As per my previous plans, I aimed and aspire to be able to go overseas to pursue the study of my interest one day. 

Several years of research and preparation, I've been monitoring the schools, costs, and admission criteria. Wanted the freedom to decide what I want to do and where to go when I'm done with studying, so didn't wanted to go for bonded scholarships. According to plan, I am supposed to apply this year for next year's admission.  

In recent years, I developed to be a loner when it comes to pursuing paths and interest, though I'm usually a social animal. Even though I know its not going to be easy for one to just leave everything behind and to start a (temporary) life outside, I was very determined to want to experience that for myself within this life time. 

Started to renew and update the information that I already have on my excel sheet just 2 weeks ago. But this time, there's a strange additional consideration. I'm wavered because I question whether I can get myself to leaving my dearest here and go out to the world. As much as it is only a year or less, I'm increasing concern about my ability to cope without having him around. 

Since we got together, we meet each other almost everyday. The longest period of not meeting him was the 4 days when I went HK for holiday with the girls. Even if we know we won't be able to meet for 2-3 days because I have classes at night, we would somehow get to meet everyday eventually. It could be working late just to have late dinner when I reach home, or buying breakfast for him in the morning when he wake up late.

I begin to contemplate whether I should still continue to pursue this interest and want. He said he don't want me to regret. I also start to think that I may not be able to focus if I'm there. When I was discussing with one of the girls, we kinda reached the conclusion that I would regret more if the relationship is sacrificed. 

While I'll still continue to give it more thought, the application will continue. Decision comes when the result is out. Maybe, I can't even get accepted! Haha

2013... I wonder

Just completed the last term paper and presentation before the exams. Like literally. I'm still in the classroom. 

This is only the 2nd semester, and is the most tiring semester I've ever had. At the same time, this is also the least hardworking and motivated semester. Can't stress more on what kind of madness it is to be managing studies with full-time work. 

One quarter of 2013 is gone, and sooner than you realise, half will be gone. 

What do I want to achieve by the end of the year?

How do I want 2013 to turn out for me?

Generally, things had been good. His presence made everything great. My main source of happiness and comfort. 

Food for Thought: Love

The thing about being with somebody, is that there are a lot of things you have to do. I'm not talking about things like going out on a date, making presents and stuff. I'm thinking more along the lines of psychosocial kind of things to do.

You have to:

1. understand yourself and him in terms of personality, strengths and weaknesses,

2. learn each other's communication pattern,

3. be supportive (not blindly) and sensitive to each other,

4. accommodate and compromise in schedule and lifestyle, instead of insisting in your own ways,

5. to be the one for him yet not compromising on being yourself.

And in the process, we learn to love and be loved. Its a learning process that we both grow and develop together. Regardless of whether we grow closer, or apart from each other.

Having gone through several unhappy moments recently, I've thought about things over and over again.

1. Certain characteristics are unknown before you get together.

Humans are such complex creatures that one can never full understand. Some people are more consistent within themselves, and across settings. Some people can be very versatile and dynamic, and ever changing.

Maybe you don't know the person well enough prior to getting together. Probably because you haven't seen that side of each other before, you won't know that s/he had that certain characteristic.

2. Certain problems don't exist before you get together.

When 2 individuals are just friends, there are minimal expectations of each other. It is not expected of you to compromise/adapt to each other's weaknesses. And maybe simply because 2 are not together, you're more chill about each other's weaknesses. You don't have to live with it.

But it's a different story when 2 gets together. It becomes something that bothers you because you care, or because its part of the person you love and so now it affects you more than before. You have to start thinking about whether it is something that you can accept.

3. When a couple faces problems, you don't just breakup immediately.

I was asked why I still choose to be together with him since he had some characteristics that I had serious problems with. For one, I didn't know about certain traits before we got together and I don't give up just because issues appear. I want to try to work things out first. Two, I can't possibly deny his strengths just because of some things that can be and he wants to work out. Three, I want to be there for you when you face the biggest problem that you have.

If he didn't give up on the relationship because of the times that I've hurt him with my words and actions, I don't see why I should give up on us so easily too.

I'm a believer of confronting fears to resolve them, instead of avoidance and ignorance. Avoidance doesn't mean that the problem is not there, and there will bound to be times that you encounter them again. As the saying goes, 躲得了一时,躲不了一世. It is only when you face your fears that you learn how to deal with them, to be a stronger and more resilient person.

The thing is, You really make me feel blissful to have you around. Even with the tears, I still feel that having you is the best thing that can ever happen. Nobody is perfect dear, we learn to be the one for each other. We'll learn to overcome our weaknesses and fears together.

Techie stuff

Blogging with my new toy: Asus Zenbook.

Decided for a change in laptop because the old one was simply too bulky and heavy. People asked me what's wrong with my old one, and was stunned to know that i simply wanted a new one when the old was working perfectly fine.

The thing is, I dont want to be left in a situation whereby I'm in need to use a computer to do whatever things, only to face a dead laptop. Being stranded in the moment of panic, urgency and need is no joke. And I definitely dont want to be stranded in a situation whereby I have assignments to hand up and have no machine to work on. Of course, I always have a choice to use my work laptop as a backup. Its probably hard to land myself in such worst case scenario.

The other thing about buying a new one while the old one is working, is that at least, I can sell off my old one to minimize the cost of the new. Regardless of how low the price might be, any cushion for damage is better than no cushion at all. And possibly to put the old parts to good use.

Techie stuff is kinda never my cup of tea. I've always had techie people around me to help me out whenever I need help. My only problem now, is to get all the programmes that I need into the new laptop. Slowly doing it, but at least I'm more on my own now rather than depending on people to get it done for me. Still asking people for help and advice here and there, but least, more on my own now.

As I'm blogging now, another new toy is probably also on its way. New camera. Depends on whether J xiao di can get it for me at the IT fair. Fingers crossed. New camera for new memories, and photo taking 3 degrees heat for now.

And that is how I spent the subsidy that I had for my studies and part of my bonus at the end of the month.

Snippets of life

Hasn't blogged for a very long time because I was busy with many things that had been going on in my life.

2012 went past and it was like hell. 2013 came, and things can only get better.

Health
Went through 2 wisdom tooth operations and got all 4 removed. It's not like they were giving me any problem, but it was just a preventive move.

Probably only people in healthcare or rehabilitative work will understand the importance of such prevention. You don't do something only when it creates problem. By then, hurt and damage would have already been caused. I definitely wouldnt want to get myself into that kind of state.

In any case, according to a few of my colleagues, I'm no longer wise.

School
Completed 3 assignments, of which one received an A grade. Have to credit a few people for what I've gotten.

To Allan, for the many discussions that we had and for editing my papers for me.
To Justin, for editing my papers for me.
To DC, for the moral support, constantly reminding me to focus on doing my papers and checking on my progress.

Completed 2 examinations and obtained fairly decent grades. Not what I aimed for, but not too bad for 3 years of being out of school. Similarly, I have people to thank too:

To Allan, for helping me out on a few occasions when I had problems understanding the concepts.
To DC, for accompanying me study all the time and trying to help me figure out things that I had difficulty understanding.

Semester 2 just started. According to some people from the previous batch, the modules in the current semester are the most hectic. Good luck to me, and work hard!!!

Love
I'm having a hard time figuring out how to put this into words.

The previous one ended not very long ago. Most people had been very concerned about how I was coping with it. I desperately packed my timetable with activities to get myself occupied so that it was easier for me to get over. Long working hours, study, dance, keyboard, holiday, and going out with people all the time.

The thing about stuffing your schedule with so many things is that, meeting up with old friends and learning keyboard created chances and topics for friendship to develop into further possibilities.

I had my concerns and reservations: about things going too fast, about whether it was a rebound, about whether I really liked him instead of merely touched by all that he had done for me, about what others may think, about whether I can ever trust love again.

The turning point was really when I went on vacation before I really understood what I felt. Thankful that he stood firm when I was going through all the uncertainty and insecurity, and most importantly putting my feelings as his top priority.

Yes, I think that you are worthy to be the partner in my next love adventure. Its merely 2 weeks since we got together, and we already experienced the downs when I suddenly got cranking over my insecurities. Fortunately, the downs that we face further highlight how much we care for and love each other, and emphasize how much we really want to be together.

To my dearest, I hope we continue to find happiness in the many days to come, and to love each other to the best of our abilities.

Life
Fulfilling as it will be, I have many sources of happiness in life that is going to keep me happily occupied.

Work - still meaningful, and fulfilling.
School - tough to be working and studying at the same time. Complaining from time to time, but I'm still glad I'm doing this.
Dance - still dancing around with my happy shoes!
Keyboard - old interest, new hobby. Slow, but at least I'm moving forward.
Friends - still in touch, nothing gets worse with them around :)
Love - going strong :)

2013, may you prove to be better than 2012.

Appeal successful!

2 months ago, it came to my knowledge that change in school policy will cause some disruptions to work-study plan.

I started new planning to get the attachment requirement work out with minimal damage to work, school and income. I was unwilling but I knew my leave cannot be left unexhausted. Unfortunately, the future seems bleak because there is no way for a good balance. 

After speaking to fellow students, I realized that some of us have the same problem. That got me started on rally support in appealing to the school. Took initiatives to draft the appeal letter all by myself because nobody seems to be willing to do something about it, and I want something to be done for my own sake. 

Before I could send out the appeal, Boss told me that they are willing to grant the "3 months off" to me so that I can complete my attachment. That good news to me. 

Considering that all the effort in the appeal was mine, I could have just dropped the whole movement and let the affected people resolve the issue on their own. Still went ahead to send out the appeal on behalf of the cohort so that the rest will have some kind of chance.  

The Dept get back: 

"We have considered your appeal on behalf of your classmates. 

We are appreciative that as a cohort, you have shown good understanding towards the rationale for practicum arrangement to be done outside the employment agency. To facilitate you and your classmates in your social work education, we have decided to support option 2 as proposed in your email." 

Even though I'm no longer affected by the dept's decision, I'm really happy because my appeal was successful! 

Never really had faith in my writing skills, needless to say convincing skills. But I'm really glad that some fellow students said it was a very well-written appeal and the dept accepted my appeal :) 

Work, School and everything else again

Time really flies. Its already October of 2012.

Work

Even though my boss wanted to suspect a particular aspect of work for me to cope with school, the suspension kinda didnt really happened. It was merely a slow down. I'm wondering whether the idea was not communicated to other bosses. Perhaps I should be thankful that it was at least better than nothing.

Turned out that I'm still doing my own programme after all. Thank goodness!

School
Mid-sem break was over. Less than one month to assignment submissions.

Only thought of the topic of 1 term paper. I still have 2 more to think about. Shet!

Everything else
1. Decided to remove my wisdom teeth.

2. Some colleagues started to comment that I looked more sunshine in recent times. That's something worth being happy about by itself :)

3. Completed learning my first piece on keyboard, though I'm still fumbling occasionally when I play together with youtube. Of course, DC really helped a lot by video-ing himself when I complained about not understanding the score. Totally helps to have somebody who has learnt it before.   

Learning my 2nd piece, and I'm still not understanding the score. But this time, I decided not to ask DC for help. Like not very nice to keep asking and troubling people. Tried looking up youtube but those posted up were kinda different from what I'm learning. I shall just try harder before my next lesson, or at most, ask teacher during the lesson. 

4. Impromptu trip coming up in Nov: Legoland over the weekend! DC suggested going while we were talking about going to Msia and the group was agreeable! 

5. Mt Kinabalu trip is confirmed and things are all booked even though I'm only going in Mar 2012. Unfortunately, I forgot that I was supposed to attend Ollie's wedding on that weekend! I'm praying very hard that he wouldnt be upset with me for missing it. I'm such a lousy friend. 

6. Emo stuff. Shall not talk. In recent times, I've learnt to start keeping things to myself again.