ok, so it's pretty certain now that i'm suffering from scleritis (click for more info). and yes, it does say in severe cases, loss of vision. (i suppose thats why the docs didnt tell me anything so i wont get paranoid or smth)

then after much research, i'm thinking i'm prob suffering from this. cos my symptoms match (and they're putting me on the same medication that they use to cure this problem) - wegener's granulomatosis. and yes, finally i am worried.

smth interesting happened today. ben with his very distorted vision (the one with the faceless people) decided to go to that mall at simei to take a walk when for some reason his phone drops, and in my very blurred vision i saw the phone bounce and slip through this minute gap and fall from the 2nd storey down. and apparently it hit some guy. but thankfully he wasn't hurt and by some miraculous chance the phone was working. (yes, pls don't report me. i know that was killer litter)

staring into a void.

so as i expected, the trip to the hospital today resulted in an extension of mc. just that this time round, things didn't look that good. and its weird how i even seem to be nonchalent abt the condition of my eye but i suppose there's really no point trying to worry cos' i can't really do much about it for now.

so here's my itenary for the trip;
0830hrs - registration and wait
1000hrs - omg, my number is finally out! (ben fails his vision test)
1050hrs - i finally get to see the doctor. (comes out figuring my eyes are probably quite screwed up)
1110hrs - someone comes up to me to dilate my pupils
1120hrs - it's getting really hard to read the newspapers. why are the letters so blurry?
1125hrs - that took a long time to get through a paragraph. maybe i should give up. (which i do)
(ben takes out his phone) "hmnx...can't see the sms."
1140hrs - 1300hrs - i officially can't see anything written. all i can see are blurry numbers. soi just sit back and wait for my number to pop up in its distorted form.
1310hrs - ooh, my turn. 2 doctors take turns to look at me. ("we need to run you through a bunch of tests and see this other doctor later")
1330hrs - ben goes for lunch where he at this point can't really see people's faces.
1500hrs - yay. they decide to call my name instead of flashing the numbers. which is pretty wise cos i was kinda staring into BLANK SPACE (like real blank space).
1530hrs - ben assumes that he's going home. so he waits to get his medicine but NO. i'm called by the nurse who draws quite a lot of blood from me into multiple test-tubes to run some tests. then i'm asked to find my way to the radiology dept to take my xray.
1600hrs - ben can kinda see now. at least faces are visible. takes the xray.
1620hrs - they take some skin test. (its that thingy u took before u took ur bcg)
1650hrs - finally i can leave this place. walks to collect medicine.
1710hrs - yeah got my medicine. phone rings "sorry, not enough blood."
1720hrs - draws alot more blood. by this time i'm unable to even squeeze the ball on my palm. haha
1730hrs - out of changi hospital.

ok so it took an awful long time there. anyway tmr's the results. so hopefully everything turns out fine. =/

the acquiescent soul or the intransigent spirit?

being the very free nsf that i am, i met up with my other pretty darn free nsf (and pretty close friend), xuan today. and somehow our conversation drifted to accomodate the issues of personal opinion versus pragmatism(or rather self sufficiency)

an excerpt from our convo;

we should reach a point where our passive income will me equals to our cost of living. in which case that leaves you with being able to not go all out for the promotion and office politics in your everyday job.
but that isn't going to happen anywhere in the short term. and honestly thats the fact of the world. office politics and all are probably an inevitable part of life.
(which leaves me thinking. is the monetary goal the aim?)
(at this pt, we continue with some talk abt jobs)
i can't see myself doing a job where i actually work and promote policies which i don't actually believe in.
so its smth like hypocrisy?
...(here we quote examples that must not be named, for fear that it might have severe repercussions, i mean people read blogs these days.lol)
but if you think that way, its inevitable that at points in your working life you're being forced to do something you dont agree or enjoy but you still have to do it.
true, i mean whole of life is sort of like a hypocrisy.
i suppose at some points our opinions just have to take a backseat bcos we still have to bother about paying the bills and all. when you weigh the two, you'll realize something has to put the bread on the table.

ok that's pretty darn messy. but hopefully you got the gist. of cos it's awfully edited cos the poor nsf has insufficient time. and i changed/censored some bits for fear that i might have some people knocking on my door.

so i wonder in the chessboard of life, is the pawn of self-righteousness and personal belief a worthwhile trade off for the rook of pragmatism and self sufficiency?

i've just added a guestbook.

what being stuck at home does to ur mind.

My face in thine eyes, thine in mine appears
And true plain hearts, do in the faces rest
Where can we find two better hemispheres
Without sharp north- without declining west
Whatever dies was not mixed equally
If our two loves be one or thou and I
Love so alike that none can slacken...none can die
- Good Morrow, John Donne

so ive had a few days at home and by some coincidence, it seems ive been watching movies which fixate on how at points in our life, our emotions or ideals that we live our life by will encounter a juncture where these ideals will become diametrically opposing and the possiblity of the two to co-exist becomes close to zilch. sheesh sounds a bit like a bloody cold war. what i meant was the ideals that govern our lives are everchanging in such a way that at some point we might have to give up one ideal for the other.

for instance;
pride and prejudice (the social divide in the victorian era exacerbated by the dichotomy in wealth)
tristan and isolde (honour/country and friendship versus the notions of love)

then again on second thought, all things are diametrically opposing. some things at some points give way to something else. i mean does such an entity as complete joy exist? no, because we know there's always room for more. and if thats the case doesnt that mean that the remaining hollow that has not been filled by joy have to be filled by the direct opposite of joy(a.k.a. sorrow?)

highly amusing stuff, ok at least it is to me.