i can't seem to justify this overwhelming sense of emotions.
most distinctly - a painful longing

t'was was a day of strong emotions. perhaps one too potent for my fragile soul.
i just cant seem to put it in words; this strong aftertaste is not to my liking.

maybe someday these broken wings will heal
and we'll sail on an endless forever; just you and me.

a spent life in the system.

i tread the first steps of the morning, knowing that it's a new day.

it seems to me that the entire fiasco about writing for writing's sake has seemingly worn off. i don't need to fall back onto writing as a form of release(for now). just a little rant;

i'm about 20 odd days from my A levels, ironically i've let a single exam be the sole determinant of what my future would be. so much for wanting to 'not conform to the system' when i'm in fact pursuing it so fervently. alright maybe not tt fervently for now, but i'm starting to get absurd thoughts in my head - i.e what if i screwed up the exam and in doing so, damage the prospects of whatever i want to achieve in life. its scary and daunting to know that ONE single exam will determine what lies ahead for you. therefore, ben shall mug hard(shites i've seem to have said this many times prior to this)

goals. dreams. the few dreams i have in life must not slip away. ive seen friends who've lost their goals in life, and as much as i wish i could do something, i know very well its beyond me. at least for now, i think my dreams' are still in sight, for now.

a new day for me to remember -

'we're right in the midst of our prime, yet we're one tackle away from flipping burgers' - munez, GOAL(2005)


watching that show(GOAL) made me think quite a bit. aside from the fantabulous array of skills that pleased my eyes, i learnt more important lessons from it - like how our talents in whatever aspects are so temporal, and how they seem to be able to fade away at the quickest instance. i'm reminded vividly of how God is able to bestow and withdraw his given talents so easily, especially in my life. how he can make one gain glory for that instance, and reduce him to watching from the sidelines in another. its been a few months now, and somehow i feel as if my hamstring isn't completely healed - maybe i'm living on the edge or just maybe i would never be able to go back to where i used to be.

then again, i'm reminded of weikong. how he's braving the odds and restoring his life back to normal. but normal isn't just the word cos i know he'll never be completely the same again. he'll never be that rugby giant people once saw him as. and i'm fearing a parallel in my life, and i'm sure at some point everyone seems to be contemplating that thought. one fine day, we may wake up completely right in the mind, but losing total control of all our faculties. there's uncertainty looming in each and every day. and its the fear in all our hearts that grip us - no one wants to be that way.

death.

in the face of death one sees the things he treasures most,

last night i stared at the face of death, and for 3 hours i remained a merely helpless being subject to the mercy of a greater being. at around 9plus, i started feeling gastric pangs and being a supposedly more 'experienced' gastric victim, i headed straight for the usual medicine. but by 11.45 the pain simply just got worse. its amazing how you never ever see a doctor when you seem to need one, cos the three clinics we visited closed at 12. i ended up at gleneagles where i had a jab for my gastric. but after i left that place 45 mins later, without the gastric pains, my entire body started reacting to the medicine, and what developed was a blocked nose which stopped the breathing from my nose all the way to my throat. and for the next two hours plus i was surviving on breathing through my mouth. then i took a counter-allergy jab then which gave rise to the gastric again and for the entire night i was sleeping totally upright, breathing through my mouth and choking on saliva every 5 mins.

as of now, i wake up at 11.37 am with a dried but blocked nose and one breathing nostril. but i thank He who watched over me and protected me.

and its these moments that flashed through my mind so vividly

school.

this blog seems to have evolved one with occasional spurts of excitement. in fact, i'll be suprised if there's even excitement to begin with. aside from the fact that the a levels is approaching, it has dawned upon me that this timeframe of 'uniform' education (ok,this term doesn't exist. its coined by me) is coming to and end. which means that i'm almost staring at the real world in the face, an inch away from embracing the cut-throat realities of this world. which also means that friends would seem rare to come by. maybe i'll attend school every one of this last 6 days and cherish these memories for good.

sheesh,this post really sucks. it seems even more out of place than the 'most-out-of-place' post.