escapism.

escapism The tendency to escape from daily reality or routine by indulging in daydreaming, fantasy, or entertainment.

we all indulge in it at varying degrees. i feel so embedded in the layers that its suffocating. yet at the same time i'm looking forward to that breathless feeling knowing how for just that moment i can crawl out of the cradle reality has built for me.

liberate me. let me just smell roses and hide from reality.

-

i could create a melodious symphony,
to earn the praise of men
But I shall meditate the words of the Almighty;
and let my gratitude never end.

For I know of your everlasting love
And of He that dwells in me.
So 'batter my heart three-personed God'!
And give thee eyes to see.

i watch from afar the sunset.

i wish you would stay but I know you seek higher ground

ive never felt so helpless watching a person turn his back and walk away and yet things were beyond the stage that i could salvage. the feeling stings as I slowly comprehend the weight of the words. Its all you people who are so saturated with the system who provide such illogical arguments that turn something out of nothing. I wish i could teach all of you how to think, with a brain and a heart, and for once not just follow with your eyes. Plain and blind obedience is tantamount to stupidity, and its cos of the manifestation of this in you that caused all of this to happen. theres rising angst mixed with sadness in me.

spread your wings and fly, thou shalt bid goodbye.

simplicity

I made a revelation recently; sometimes I just see things more complicated than they actually are. Someone once told me before ‘But some things are just that simple’. I want to see things through the lens of simplicity – to know that the simple things in life are the things that would make you contented and satisfied.

Ironically with me trying to add the mounting complication, it dawned upon me just yesterday that the reason my dad left church was because he saw it as an elitist structure with one needing a very good understanding, and by doing so it marginalized the rest. I feel hypocritical and guilty and God, I pray that you’ll give me that simple life and mind.

Batter my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt towne, to'another due,
Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weake or untrue.
Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,'untie, or breake that knot againe;
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee. -John Donne

It echoes exactly how I want to feel. Give me simplicity.

"the wheel of fortune" we're stuck in

if you're the angel that keeps trying to make others happy

my theory: if one is saturated completely with the ideology of someone else, when given the smallest bit of freedom and that piece from the outside world that entices them, they would most fervently seek their 'freedom'.

and ive seen it happen in the lives of so many people that its starting to scare me. perhaps it is then true that moderation is essential. yet we're all gripped by fear and no one dares to step out into the unchartered territory which supposedly breeds 'failure'. yet ironically those failures seem to be able to speak of emancipation and joy.

-aside-
i remember being told once that joy and happiness are distinctly different. and ive always wondered if it was some term coined because of expediency's sake.(dictionary.com says joy is exultant happiness, thus showing the 2 as synonymous) and i came to my conclusion. it doesnt matter to me what means what because as long as i know the foundations of my joy/happiness, the terms become interchangable.

(ok im quite sure the last para didnt quite make sense but i'm too lazy to edit it)

then who would make you happy?

thoughts for a night.

i just realised that attempting to sum up your emotions for the day in two lines seem to be extremely hard because sometimes there are things i just want to say. and on top of that there seems to be so much going through my mind on some days. and it doesnt get any better since i spend some time before going to bed staring at the ceiling and pondering about stuff.

someone once told me that i seem so pessimistic about life. and sometimes i do wonder if i still am? or was i even pessimistic to begin with?

star wars.

i spent an eternity looking for the elixir

history paper today was amazingly crazy. there was this running theme of star wars and we had words like 'phantom menace' and 'the chosen one' popping up in the exam questions. somehow i got this bad feeling about my origins questions. and im in the midst of mugging for an econs essay paper by memorizing model essay outlines and for the few times in my life, im going to answer a question with totally no opinion of my own cos i'm just going to chuck what i'm reading now into the essay tmr.

only to see myself resigned to watching it from afar

my faithful 'obedience'

i'm trapped in a system of rampant discrepancies, in more ways than one.

i cant seem to be able to study cos theres just too much on my mind and i feel so bogged down by certain things.

i once had a birthday card that signed off 'follow your heart, cos thats where you find your dreams.' and that was years back, but somehow it appeared in my head today. then again quite recently someone(ok, one is a massive understatment) told me that 'emotions cant be trusted cos it aint a concrete thing'. it amazes me how one can be so much a replica of a system, and remain so simplified in their thinking.

and it is ironic how all of us choose to seek certain aspects of the system, and yet bitch about the rest of it. (exactly what im doing now ) but i guess at least you choose what you want. i dont want to follow blindly and embrace it totally when i know there are inadequacies and loopholes in it. i dont need to be branded obedient, i rather do smart selection.

scream your lungs out. cos no one will hear you.

my throat's hurting really badly. to a point where swallowing is just agonizing.(as in even swallowing ur own saliva hurts) which means food is merely taken out of a necessity, which sucks so badly. anyhow i dont remember when was the last time i felt so mentally drained out, its as if the books were some parasitic bug sucking the life out of me. or as if the education system were wringing my soul out of me and leaving behind a shriveled and pathetic physical body. and now some damn maggots are like feeding on my flesh and screwing up my throat. yeah evidently im going crazy. my posts are out of point.

my nonchalance towards time.

i just want to tear my hair out and roam the streets

i'm not studying effectively. i'm just merely clocking the hours for the sake of clocking them. sighs. its depressing that when you're so near ur exams yet u dont feel like studying. even i am starting to get worried. today was superbly unproductive and im down with a stinging feeling in my throat. ive just got this weird feeling that im going to get another one of those major bouts of illnesses.

and i wont care what they say about me.

human nature?

Eustacia seemed to constantly have her dreams and hopes elude her -

I caught up with a friend today and he seemed all too lost about what he seems to want. And then somehow we ended up talking about certain enduring qualities of love and it seemed all too ideal when we agreed we always look beyond the superficial. superficiality breeds insecurity because we all know that we arent all that charming(plus the fact that i dont have a smile worth a gazillion bucks). superficiality breeds doubt cos we know whatever meagre we have now is temporal and would disappear all too soon. superficiality is a guilt charged on each and everyone of us cos we practice is subconsciously. i pray i'll wiggle my way out of this web.

even if you chose to grasp onto something so tightly, it'll still slip through your fingers.

renaissance

bestow thee thy promethean flame. and thou shalt breathe and live life to the full.

i am reborn and back to blogging. though i know not how long this be so. ironically this blog is resurrected 5 days from the prelims; so much for being hardworking.

bring me hope and maybe i'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.