lost and almost broken

so this is really what happens when one feels torn apart.

you stop. you think for a moment what has just seemingly jabbed you in the face. you look around, desperate to seek respite but find absolutely none and then you sit there - lost and certain not quite sure what to do.

you've no idea how much i miss you, how i wish you were here and how i'd hope that things would be different.

for now it seems like everything has kinda lost its meaning. there seems to be no dream to chase, no luxuries to want and no love to give.

treating the one who loves you most.

Rahel froze. She was desperately sorry for what she had said. She didn't know where those words had come from. She didn't know that she'd had them in her. But they were out now, and wouldn't go back in. They hung about the red saircase like clerks in a Government office. Some stood, some sat and shivered their legs.

'Rahel,', Ammu said. 'Do you realize what you have done?'

Frightened eyes and a fountain looked back at Ammu.

'It's all right. Don't be scared,' Ammu said. 'Just answer me. Do you'

'What?' Rahel said in the smallest voice she had.

'Realize what you've just done?' Ammu said.

Frightened eyes and a fountain looked back at Ammu.

'D'you know what happens when you hurt people?' Ammu said. 'When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less.'

A cold moth with unusually dense dorsal tufts landed lightly on Rahel's hearts. Where its icy legs touched her, she got goosebumps. Six goose bumps on her careless heart.

A little less her Ammu loved her...

The moth on Rahel's heart spread its velvet wings, and the chill crept into her bones.

-arundhati roy, the god of small things

what if i could have it my way

"What if she hurt me? What if she left me? What if she died? It would have been the end of me. So I cut it short, before she ever could. And you know what? It was the biggest mistake I ever made. And you're making the same mistake right now, and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to sit by and watch. You've got to risk love Sandra! I didn't and look at me! I'm a lonely ghost of a man. It doesn't mean that you're never going to get hurt, but the pain you feel will never compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love. And from someone who's felt a lot of both trust me, regret beats pain everyday of the week and twice on Sunday. Don't run away. Don't do it. " -from g.o.g.p

i can't sleep. i miss you, more than ever.

cover you in my embrace.

i will make you feel safe in every way, and i will do what it takes

i try not to fall apart

i miss you more than you ever know

a wide open door, but i wish you'd stay.

for days we talked about it/

and i thought we were going to run off into the summer/

but you left without saying goodbye.

it's ironic how in the build up to the exams, i kept telling you things would be fine and that summer would be great, and that if you did a little more, held on, pressed on that tad bit more it would all be worth it. guess its funny how it didn't quite turned out like how i planned. now my summer just stinks, because the one thing (and possibly the only thing) i was looking forward all sem to doing just isn't there anymore.

it's that little bit in me that stings;
that wishes things were different;
that wishes i would be falling asleep to a smile

but i've seen what we can be like - together.

scribbling on a frosted wall in japan the day after

trying to take a better shot in my room.

i took this picture awhile back, thinking that maybe someday i would show it to you with the words when i got myself a nicer picture, and i did try a couple of shots. but then i guess time ran out on me,but anyhow it was always taken and meant for you, so i've decided to put it here;

(Jack coming back from the future, from altering a single decision - being with her - in his life)

"And we’re in love. After 13 years of marriage we’re still unbelievably in love. You won’t even let me touch you 'til I’ve said it. I sing to you. Not all the time but definitely on special occasions. And we've dealt with our share of surprises and made a lot of sacrifices, but we stayed together. You see, you’re a better person than I am. And it made me a better person to be around you.
I don't know, maybe, maybe it was all just a dream. Maybe I went to bed one lonely night in December and I imagined it all. But I swear, nothing’s ever felt more real. And if you get on that plane right now, it’ll disappear forever.

I know we could both go on with our lives, and we’d both be fine. But I’ve seen what we can be like together.

And I choose us."

- The Family Man

when i first heard this words, you came to mind. and i thought that someday i would love for you to hear them, of course without all the circumstances. but i guess sometimes we cant quite control where we go, as much as we want to grab the wheel and swerve it one side. and you know the really sad part is that i thought leaving someone to make someone else happy was always a hollywood myth to emphasize the extent of love. i just never thought it would be me. i miss you a lot. if you (probably my only reader) do read this, talk to me sometime soon - please?