The Pungeoning

Friday, February 24, 2023

Future Litigation Portends Space Disaster

LIMITED HANGOUT MEMORANDUM:
APF, Project: Horloge, United Planets Media

Project: Horloge officials have claimed reception of a communiqué from the future showing lawsuits filed against an unknown defendant regarding an incident at “Camp Tafara” involving “toxic stuff”. The message was apparently transmitted by Horloge field chrononauts sometime around the year 2070. No further communication has been received to date.
Horloge and CHRONO Ops officials caution that this discovered timeline may not be our own but an offshoot of a pre-existing timeline, and that renewed efforts for temporal audits are called for in light of these findings.
The status of Remembered History vis-à-vis previously authorised disclosures of classified data is now in question and retrocausality alerts have been raised regarding Timespan Security.
In the current timeline, the Orville Corporation holds a United Planets prospecting licence to scout the asteroid belt for heavy metal mining opportunities. Tafara-08823a is one such asteroid under consideration.
Orville says they are “unable to comment directly on litigation since future events have yet to unfold.”
The communiqué noted that a “Jared Gutts III” of “Gutts & Associates” has secured up to two billion quatloos in financial assistance to affected workers to help with the costs of the incident, as well as creating a one million quatloo fund for the mining community.
Current Orville CEO Johnny Gutts could not be reached for comment.
There has been speculation on whether these events occur in the same timeline as Tomorrow’s Regrets of 2071, but no conclusive findings have been released.

Wednesday, February 22, 2023

More Workforce Solutions: Atavistic Assertion

A new module in Orville’s Corporate Shuffle team-building programme is guaranteed to move the needle for your company culture in going forward.
Orville behaviourists are introducing activities used in their Ancestral Confrontation & Beratement Therapy labs to help employees in blamecasting their perceived inherited neuroses. It is a variation on “Primate Therapy,” but in a work setting that lets individuals reframe their personal and social maladjustments towards the context of a greater congenital gestalt.
The Atavistic Assertion programme governs behavioural rules: Troop hierarchy directives, sales motivators, intra-silo interactions, alliance building/destroying with potential opponents, and mating access proximity during siesta periods.
Orville Organisational Development Director Vernon Kolp states, “Primate Resources can go beyond rudimentary reconditioning for our employees. They can come face-to-face with their ancestral roots and confront them with the frustrations they have for their own genetic shortcomings.
“Employees are such fantastic learners — they mimic each other as much as they mimic management. This programme helps them to solve problems and power through adversity as we do through brain power.”
While Corporate Shuffle as a whole covers the value of instruction within teams, Atavistic Assertion presses the most focus on it. Every manager wants the smartest and most capable cog to be a part of their team, but the value of behavioural guidance too often falls to the wayside. The Atavistic Assertion programme’s design produces measurable results to clearly show how subject behaviours sub-optimise their own outcomes, including the overwhelming choice to either compete or collaborate.
Orville has updated their most current models of Applied Atavism programming to support the development of strong workplace cultures. It is imperative to rise to the challenge of changing and evolving times, and push for constant expansion of new programming based on the needs of teams, managers, and bottom lines alike. A new Corporate Normal is upon us, and Orville continues to deliver lasting impact and value through programmes for all workstyle modalities.