What’s the Deal, Funk?

Follow the Smiles

Follow the Smiles
of the False Chaka
for a Friendly Feed
at Burger Baka

Pirate City 2018

The ancient magnesite plant a few kilometres down the shore from Kenvil has been reborn. The furley youngsters are definitely on board for this vigourous revisioning for tomorrow’s sake.

Schemata Actualised: Update for Stratum XLV

The Res Op Mandate training minutes from Stratum XXXIV have been relineated for the upcoming stratum.
Physical coordinates remain localised in the general vicinity.

Warning: Pungle of Hi-5

Classic City Triple: 1217

Classic City Triple: 1117

Soundtrack: Linguine Interchange

Soundtrack of the motion picture based on the campaign by Johnny Gutts.

Soundtrack: Aequor et Fabula

Soundtrack of the motion picture based on the novel by Johnny Gutts.

Homesauce Deluxe

The Eve Before the Hallowed Eve

Mr K makes note of Mr Arthur’s handiwork in carving up the hefty gourd.

New for MMXVIII: APF Activity and Merit Badges

Scratch Shot

Primary Sanchez

Classic City Triple: 1017

Didelphis virginiana: Juvenile

Ceann Créachtaithe: The Wages of Rodent Rescue

Metagenic Activation: Hi-Value

Classic City Triple: 0917

Escut de Babuí

Jeter la Bombe Mentale

Okujō Kankoku no Shōri

Crescenti dell’Eclipse

Peruvu-e Ojisan Warning Placard

Vindaloo Weekend 2

Malos Modos a Mach 11

Classic City Triple: 0817

Theo Thoth and the Cold Train Continuum

The Son of Jackson Oak… and the Nonchalance of Mister Kittie

Omniplex Cavort

The Clap of the Pack

Fake Bunky Was Just A Turkey

Classic City Triple: 0717

Mother-in-Law on Blast

Rest Easy, Private Giacobbe

On his daily summer treks to Lac des Cloches, young Malinconico would often take a shortcut on foot through woods and brush off the Gant Town road. Right off the roadway, he would notice some sort of arched sign that was rusted and slowly being encroached by the growing foliage.
  Upon inspection, it mentioned a man’s name — a self-professed memorial of sorts.
  As he further pawed his way through the thicket, he noticed a rusting swing set, apparently forgotten through the decades.
  Even as a nine-year-old, it troubled him — this was something built in memory of someone, yet it was obviously becoming forgotten.
  And yet in reality, the context was not that of ‘decades’ past, but of a mere five or six years most recent. Remember — these were the years when the louche mores of shifting times took precedence over tradition and observance.
  And as the miles distanced themselves from young Malinconico through the years, this disrespectful image remained a stone in his shoe.
  With the advent of the Internet Crystal Ball, Malinconico dug deep enough to uncover the actual story:

  Local boy gets drafted to go to war, only to be killed by Friendly Fire within three months.

  Poor devil.
  Jeez, [local] folks, how much effort does it take to maintain a remembrance of a fallen son?

  Fortunately, years later, with the help of said Internet Crystal Ball, news came forth that some township folks made the endeavour to clean up, spruce up, enhance and maintain the young soldier’s memorial.
  It gives one hope.

  Rest easy, Private Giacobbe.

Pungladeshi Placitum Sanjak

It’s there if you want it

The terminals glowed seductively with images of playing cards and lewd smuttage. Drawn were the eyes of the indolent and lascivious with both jaws and spines a-slackened.
  Vices aside, were these beings the downtrodden or those denied opportunity?
  For the sake of argument, let us posit that they are.
  What could such hapless souls do?
  They might seek knowledge and edification through the printed word. A library, perhaps.
  Books on almost any available subject. The classics. History and maths. Self-help books. Vocational guides.
  Any of these would be a positive first step.
  But the savvy or cynical reader can see where this is going.
  For this room, in which these wretched sorts stare at screens filled with poker hands, penii, and pudendae, lay beneath shelf after shelf of book after book.
  One million books over their heads. Literally.

  It’s there if you want it.

The Coward Iōnnēs Elias

  From afar, one could see the body tumbling down the face of Skumbras Mount. Arse over tit, the figure bounced off rocky projections of the scarp, until it rolled to a halt before a horse-drawn wagon parked at the base of the mount.
  A bald head leaned out of the wagon and peered at the bloody corpse on the ground. It was Buzas Putras, whose skull was obviously smashed in by a spiked weapon before his tumble down Skumbras Mount.
  From the wagon, Iōnnēs Elias lifted his head to survey the structure atop the mountain. He knew full well what was going on.
  The celebration hall up there was holding a wake for Little Xander, last defender of Revre Sbodiza, the fortress that Iōnnēs Elias himself had aggressively taken over as Liege Insistent of the new dominion.
  Little Xander had long been a loyal protector of the fortress, regardless of who held the reins of power. But he was held in high disdain by Iōnnēs Elias, Buzas Putras, and others of the new regime, only because he was the last vestige of the old regime, those that had trickled away in a Brain/Brawn Drain,
  This view was held all out of spite, ignoring Xander’s fealty and accrued wisdom. So much so, that they actually made life so miserable for him, telling him, “You are no longer wanted,” knowing this would literally break his heart.
  Which is exactly what happened when Xander was ousted. He had stood at the gates staring up at his beloved fortress when his heart gave out. He was dead before he hit the ground.
  And so here we are, at Little Xander’s wake, where friends of the village come to pay respects.

  Of course, Iōnnēs Elias did not have the courage to show his face at the memorial for the man who defended his very fortress. He sent Buzas Putras as emissary to hypocritically offer hollow hosannas in front of the crowd, trying to save face for the new regime. Most there saw this ingratiation for what it was, but for one Young Suramokas, it was beyond the pale.
  He dispatched Putras and watched him plummet down the mount as the cowardly liege gazed up at him from the safety of his wagon.
  Suramokas stared down into the eyes of Iōnnēs Elias and bellowed:
  “Iōnnēs Elias, thou son of a whore, hast not even the manly fortitude to show his face at a remembrance for the fallen who so loyally served thou.
  ”We who have gathered in tribute upon the mount, look down upon thou, most literally, as ye cower in pusillanimity in your rickety wagon.
  “Hark! Thine complete cowardice is on full display before the townsfolk. They have seen it, and thou cannot refute it.”
  Nothing could possibly rebut this damning statement. And so, fortress Revre Sbodiza, unable to counter the exposed reality, disintegrated into useless, grey dust.

Classic City Triple: 0617

Not Today, Partner!

Tarda Drink™

Fake Hef’s Island

Young “Bob” styled himself as a suave, urbane gentleman of impeccable taste during his furley collegiate years.
  He did this whilst wearing a velour bathrobe and smoking a pipe. All from his “bachelor pad” which happened to be a dorm room on the fourth floor of Reid Hall.
  This persona was ripe for ridicule, save for the fact that Bob had quite a large lending library of men’s magazines available to his dormmates, which kept them in satisfied spirits.
  Pretensions aside, Bob was actually an agreeable, laid-back guy, and his schtick was seen as being tongue-in-cheek. Manford, his roommate, could attest to this, as could any fellow who had the pleasure of meeting Bob first-hand. He was a chill dude.
  That said, time had passed and Bob graduated and moved back to his hometown of Farishville.

  Years later, Manford asked housemate Somber to hop in the car and go to Farishville to see how ol’ Bob had been doing, having heard that he’d gained a wife and his own proverbial castle.
  The address they pulled up to was a trailer on a dry, dusty lot. As Manford and Somber stepped out of the car, they could see Bob striding down his trailer steps, followed by a 200-kilo sow with a sour look on her face.
  Manford and Somber looked at each other with knitted brows. Bob didn’t look as chagrined as one would expect from someone having espoused one particular lifestyle but ending up living another.
  This woman had the social graces of a wild hog — and a physique to match. As the kids ask nowadays, “WTF?”
  The quintessential question of male preference has long been “Ginger or Mary Ann?” referring to television’s Gilligan’s Island. Naughty or Nice?
  Well, this woman was neither. She wasn’t even Mrs. Howell.
  Bob’s wife was the island itself — massive, feral, unrelenting — much like Mother Nature on the rag.
  Were Bob’s earlier words hollow, lacking in sincerity and substance?
  Was this hypocrisy — a case of “Do as I say, not as I do”?
  Manford and Somber left shrugging their shoulders, not wanting to be overly judgmental of their old chum’s choices.
  But there is clarity in hindsight. Thirsty guys with no game may stumble and hook up with a beast out of desperation once in a while. But when a man commits to marriage with someone who is the opposite of his espoused ideals for the sake of convenient sexual access, he might as well banish himself to Loser Island.

The Day at Dudley Park*

• Prelude/Upstairs at the Gristle
• Amethyst Vas Methysménos
• Who’s Afraid of Tobacco Road?
• Acquisition de Ressources
• The Day at Dudley Park
• Bullet Dodged

The Day at Dudley Park

Clasping hands together on a stroll
It all seemed so ideal
Out there amidst the green...
Here under the clouds
At least one of our pulses raced
Thinking what might have been...

The day at Dudley Park was just a lark
See our railroad trestle crumbling down
This man opened his heart under the sun
As she lay there staring skyward
She wouldn’t take me at my word
And this farce of a romp would never be outdone...

Laying here in the freshest grass
Beads of sweat there
Dappled upon her breast
With the tender moment fleeting
I got the joke now, this fallen crest

That day at Dudley Park was just a lark
See our railroad trestle crumbling down
This man opened his heart under the sun
As she lay there staring skyward
She wouldn’t take me at my word
And this farce of a romp would never be outdone...
Oh, no...

©MCMLXX WBLO-TV, Happi-Time Productions
*Apologies to Jimmy Webb

Classic City Triple: 0517

When Will You People Learn?

Gutts, J. (19??). When will you people learn?
Heritageville: Orville (out of print).

Tómhyggja Morgunmat

Stratum XVI Test Strip: Ye Olde Petrol Pump

Xarnaq Urheimat