Monday, March 12, 2012
Its been so long since i wanted to cry so hard, but i can't.Then i realise its been ingrained in me for so very long... can't feel much joy, much sadness. Its been aeons since i last felt any form of emotion. I miss the day when my tears flows just from watching drama, or the joy i felt when i finally finished something.
Depression has claimed me for so long that i thought i had finally escaped its clutches, only to realise that its still there, albeit in another incorporeal form. Its lingering touch and its piercing gaze forever dampens my moods and dulls my senses.
I don't want to miss another chance to love again. I want to embrace all that life throws at me, but it seems that i am my own barrier with my enhanced sense of worthlessness and heightened sense of self-criticism.
Pushing away help just because you don't feel that you're worth any thing, while you try your best to claw your way out from this deep dark hell hole... Sometimes, i just wish that the world isn't always full of extroverted, detail oriented people. Where are all the depressed, introverts that you can share your soul with...? I wish so hard sometimes that i can find a like minded scarred soul that i can relate to.
Sometimes i detest all that is positive. Often, the sun seems too bright for a creature of the shadows to partake, such that the shadows simply slink away into an isolated corner and end their own existence. With this kind of viewpoint, i often wonder if that's why i'll rather stay tormented in silence and i'll rather wallow in all this despair.
I've wanted to reach for the positive. I've tried to refocus my negative energies in the hopes of making something positive. Now i know its not possible. Regardless, the lack of true joy, true motivation, only yields a cynical mockery of what should have been there.
Why am i suppressing so much in me? I don't want to end another relationship before it starts. I don't want to feel sad any more. I don't want to be silent when i get hurt so very much... I don't want to flare up randomly just because i cannot express my emotions properly.
I want my life back.
God it feels so good to cry again.