Love......expectations, misinterpretation, maturation and hopes.
Saturday, September 07, 2013
Today is the day my heart froze in mid-beat.
I'm in love, I am drowning in it, loving it, and soaking it in.
I have always analyzed, and doubted. Always skeptical and forward looking, I constantly project possible pathways to my future.
Yet today, I felt an all time low. Insecurities came flooding back, and my experience in such matters never seem to comfort or give me a form of encouragement.
In times like that, my eyes become watery. I swallow my pride, I swallow my misery, I take a deep breath, and I plunge myself int the stray thoughts and fears. I desperately wish he was around, to comfort and to give me strength, but... when I ask for it, it never comes in time. There is no make up, no questioning, no follow up. Just a status update.
What are we? Friends or lovers. Titles are titles. I thought we have been through this. I thought we have touched and talked about it. What am I to you... my love?
If you say that actions speak louder than words. Then what actions are you talking about? The fact that we did some things together? Everyone does things together.
Trust? You trust me? I guess you do. But my faith is constantly shaken. Best friends talk to each other, and consistently, enjoying each other's company. Lovers even more so. I have to ask before you speak, and you are unwilling to share your day. You ask me in reciprocation. Initiation never happens...
My darling sunshine, I have so much to say, yet i can't speak to you. You always told me to voice my opinion, yet... I feel so lonely. I want a response, a cheer, a general sense of your warmth.
I'm withering on the inside. I can't say things to you because I am passive aggressive, and when I do, you respond hours later, and don't even try to answer every thing. You mostly apologize, pick the few things that you bother to take note and feel good to comment and then speak slightly. Its the same; you give off a strong sense of "selfishness" because u do not put things down and always want to have a choice how to do things that satisfy you. Gaming while talking...
I initially thought I have dating experience and that i can teach you such things. But I might have overestimated myself. One needs to be burned to learn fast. And you have not.
Sweetheart, I love you. My flame kindles whenever I see us working together for a common good. My flame withers when I notice that you place me at such a low priority. Every time when you reply that you feel the same, I believe you. I do. I still do. Yet, I start to quantify our affection.
I feel that I love you more than you love me. Yes. I am doing the taboo of quantifying. I cannot expect you to be the same as me; it is wrong. Yet, I am head over heels over you, and I have fallen deeply in love with you. If you're unhappy about something, talk about it. We're lovers. I know its your first relationship, but that also means that you have to learn the nuances of a relationship. How is a relationship different from friendship? What are you feelings towards a relationship?
Friendships ... are inherently different from lovers. We can check in on a weekly, monthly, even yearly basis and have good feelings. I feel good going out with friends. Obviously, who doesn't. You pick the people you like to around with. It's not the same when it comes to love. If you tell me you like going out with me, that means nothing. Its obvious. Its common. It has little significance.
Dearest, I always spam you because you set my emotions aflame, and make me a better person. Every time i'm with you, I feel like I've become better. I feel like I can go further. I feel like I can trust you and confide in you. I feel like the top of the world, and I want this feeling to continue.
Do you feel the same? I'm not your Ramen buddy, your movie partner, or your fuck buddy. That is an issue of trust, yes, but that does not define lovers. I eat ramen with you as I want to enjoy the ramen, and see the smile on your face as you enjoy it. I watch movies with you, because I want to see the movie, but the important thing is that I'm with you. I want to enjoy the moment with you, to discuss concepts and laugh at the scenes with you. I also want to relate and feel the things I see in the movies with you. I want to experience these with you. Its not for the movie. Its not about making me happy. Its about building happiness together, a little corner of paradise in this world.
My sweet sunshine, I'm want you to be happy, but I also have needs. I do not need pictures of a perfect soul. I do not want images of a happy person. I get enough of that from Facebook. Happy faces, joyous memories. Couple that with a lack of depressing posts, you can only see the manipulated "good life of others". This makes me jealous. This makes me insecure and judge my life. This makes me wonder and question what I am doing with my life. I do not want a perfect boyfriend. I want someone to share his life with me. Yet you talk about image. Yet you try not to show me your angry side. You focus on your schooling, your appointments, your work and do not seem to put a caring note for me. Only status updates. You show me your happy face. You show me that you're glad to be with me, but you never show that you yearn for me. I don't think i remembered a time you initiated a handshake. I never remembered a time where I sat back and you asked me over out of the blue. Sorry, I stand corrected. There is that one time. I do remember now, and I shall preserve that memory later. For now, I have become jealous of my boyfriend. I feel insecure. I feel like an outcast. I feel like the person at the short end of the stick. I feel like just an amusing entertaining person -- You only find me when you want to be cheered up. You only find me when you want to be comforted. Where is the support. Where is the love? Please, if you expect me to be fine on my own unless I whine, my friends do that already. I do not need person with a special title to do that and say it means more.
I always look back on the day you dropped in on me, cycling on your blue bike, and we each drank a can of Calpis. You made my day, not just once, even many days afterwards. That day touched my life so much that I can remember that you wore your blue medicine polo shirt and jeans with the Muji bag. We walked to the playground and tried to find a place but it was crowded. I only have a short moment with you, but that was the best day of my life as a boyfriend to you so far.
I had a tiff with you a few days ago. I talked to my friends and they opened my eyes. I yearned to find you and share the news immediately.... but you pushed me aside. You planned me out of your life once again. I wonder if I am a bore, or a source of pain and pressure. If my sharing brings you so much pain..... are you in love with me? Do you support me? Do you seek to understand me? I can't voice all these out on facebook, I can't talk to you because you take forever to reply. I don't even get a long sms in reply when i pour my soul out to you...
I'm disheartened. I really am. I feel like my love spark is dying out. I don't want it to die out..... T.T. I can't maintain it alone, I can't tolerate the unequal treatment and feelings. I'm not your spiritual counselor, or your back up plans. I don't want to harden my heart, deaden my nerves, and kill off my thoughts of you. I plead to the divines. I have never felt so helpless or clueless in my life before. I want to live forever with you... but it feels like I'm being mistreated and exploited emotionally.
Its not about "equal value in time and money". Its spiritual. Its emotional. Its hopeful. Do you feel a sense of hope with me? Do you feel that the world brightens up that you can challenge anything? I do when I am with you, but I have to consistently work for it. I put in effort, but it feels like a mandatory upkeep, like I have to breathe. I really want to invincible daily. All your night kisses keep my stray unhappy thoughts in check. I wait for you because you ease my mind, my soul and my fears wash away like rain. Its a ritual because i want this, and I want this for you. I want to empower you for the morning, so I greet you. I elevate your emotions in the mornings in hopes that you can be better, faster and smarter.
Sadly I don't get that back. I'm not perfect, I'm have dark days and problems. You do not feel the need to encourage people consistently, and I wonder if you have seem how these individual small actions can accumulate to form a impenetrable defensive wall against hardship. The lack of any thoughts to me..... is overconfidence on your part. Don't wonder why I'm always emo and down -- You did'nt help me achieve a near positive state, and when you reply so long and late..... its clear that my efforts were are not appreciated. Don't tell me you feel for them. I don't see them. You dun give me the cues for them, I only feel ignored.
People always say give without expecting rewards. I wish I were that noble. If my spiritual and mental health was always that good. I would be able to. I'm human, and I crave encouragement. I "don't a shit" but when it counts.... when no one speaks up for you.... it also leads to despair. You start to wonder if you did them wrong, or if you didn't do enough. My soul is fragile. I sense pain severely, and I wince a lot when i see emotional trauma. I may not act immediately, but i always want to stay hidden and help the person from the shadows, while nodding in his direction to know that he/she has my support and shoulder.
My biggest fear now.... is that when it counts... no one stands up for me. I feel so lonely. I feel so cold and dark. I shy away from the light, and I work from the shadows... bringing tiny embers to other souls in plight.
I wish.... I hope I pray. Please, someday, someone tell me that what I do is right, acknowledges me and my work, supports me and cares about me. I want it to be you, Ernie. I really do.
But it... feels like a fake dream. It feels like a lie. Like a fairy tale I'm fantasizing. You don't act to this expectation and hope... and I feel so neglected. My hopes are slowly fading away.
And today, I sit down in front of my computer... waiting for you to finally care..... but alas... I send this post to the internet and hope that it be seen by anonymous people who will read and give a damn. I weep and indulge in my sorrows with my melancholic music blaring. Such sweet.. sweet sorrow. I thank you for the experience.
Please find me quickly, hug me and kiss me. Please. I miss you. So very much..........
Author: Puizui » Comments:
Numbness
Monday, March 12, 2012
Its been so long since i wanted to cry so hard, but i can't.
Then i realise its been ingrained in me for so very long... can't feel much joy, much sadness. Its been aeons since i last felt any form of emotion. I miss the day when my tears flows just from watching drama, or the joy i felt when i finally finished something.
Depression has claimed me for so long that i thought i had finally escaped its clutches, only to realise that its still there, albeit in another incorporeal form. Its lingering touch and its piercing gaze forever dampens my moods and dulls my senses.
I don't want to miss another chance to love again. I want to embrace all that life throws at me, but it seems that i am my own barrier with my enhanced sense of worthlessness and heightened sense of self-criticism.
Pushing away help just because you don't feel that you're worth any thing, while you try your best to claw your way out from this deep dark hell hole... Sometimes, i just wish that the world isn't always full of extroverted, detail oriented people. Where are all the depressed, introverts that you can share your soul with...? I wish so hard sometimes that i can find a like minded scarred soul that i can relate to.
Sometimes i detest all that is positive. Often, the sun seems too bright for a creature of the shadows to partake, such that the shadows simply slink away into an isolated corner and end their own existence. With this kind of viewpoint, i often wonder if that's why i'll rather stay tormented in silence and i'll rather wallow in all this despair.
I've wanted to reach for the positive. I've tried to refocus my negative energies in the hopes of making something positive. Now i know its not possible. Regardless, the lack of true joy, true motivation, only yields a cynical mockery of what should have been there.
Why am i suppressing so much in me? I don't want to end another relationship before it starts. I don't want to feel sad any more. I don't want to be silent when i get hurt so very much... I don't want to flare up randomly just because i cannot express my emotions properly.
I want my life back.
God it feels so good to cry again.
Author: Puizui » Comments:
Yet another thought
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Lol i find it quite amusing that everything i blog, it must be because i thought of something.
This time around, i am amused by the concept that life is merely about performances.
I just watched a choir performance by my friend, Xingqun and i got this thought.
I realized that most of life is about viewing performances by others, being in a performance, and organizing/practicing for performances.
Eating food made by others in a hawker center is like viewing his food concert.
Him making new food is akin to practicing.
Last but not least, him cooking is the performance itself.
This also brings up my thoughts of being a person sole dedicated to just watching others perform.
Is life really all about event organizing, and making a name by being famous this way? Or can i just... enjoy the entertainment others offer and scrap through?
this is so perplexing...
Author: Puizui » Comments:
Points to ponder
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Hmm.
Anyone experienced life whereby.... everything seemed so overbearing, so vivid, and so overwhelming that you are unable to act?
A life where you crumble from exhaustion because you are overwhelmed both physically and emotionally is truly horrifying.
Being misunderstood is acceptable. Being hurt is acceptable. Being cheated is acceptable. Being ignored is acceptable. Being forgotten is acceptable. But getting all of them at the same time? Nope.
How is it that people can continue to function regardless of the tribulations thrown at them? Is it love? Is it desire? Is it Friendship?
Can a person withstand all these pain alone?
I've always wondered if a person is able to grow up and develop wholly and normally in such conditions. However, it seems like an impossibility. I feel as if life is already approaching its end, even if I were wishing for immortality. I can't even see past today or tomorrow. I plan event on such small notice, and i hardly want to plan anything large.
Why is it so debilitating and disabling when one cannot cope with the negative feelings lashed out towards them? Hmm. Perhaps that is why people who get abused tend to lash out and spiral down the hole to hell.
How unfortunate that people have to be sacrificed to the depths just so others can survive. Is dying really that bad? I've wondered time and time again, is death really that bad?
No one ever seems to question the value of death. One normal view is when we compare sacrifices, or martyrs. Another view is the one on suicide. But honestly, does anyone think about the fact that the strong prey on the weak, such that the weak is decimated? In this regard, in this dog eat dog world -- therefore dog kills dog world -- is emotional death, spiritual death and physical death hard to believe?
I die, I rely less on others, and others survive better without me. I can argue with so many examples its hilarious. I sacrifice myself so that more food is available to the people in hungry-stricken countries. Check. I sacrifice myself so that people will not suffer the same fate as me. Check. I sacrifice myself to reduce the pain done to others and myself. Check.
This brings me to one major puzzle piece in my life now : What is nobility.
# a privileged class holding hereditary titles
# the quality of elevation of mind and exaltation of character or ideals or conduct
# the state of being of noble birth
I find it an utter joke that the definitions above refer to it.
A privileged class? That sounds selfish. Hereditary? Same.
The state of being of noble birth? That is a one man perspective and to me, selfish.
The quality of elevation of mind and exaltation of character or ideals or conduct?
Selfless? I do hope so.
I want to be a noble, very much so, to the 2nd definition. I want to help others. Yet I want to be able to live. I have such self degrading thoughts that sometimes, the only thing i wish for is to die protecting someone just within that 2-3 critical seconds.
That thought fills me up with joy, and yet tears me apart. I want to celebrate life in all its diversity, but... life is not nice to me. Perhaps others say that I am fortunate to be able to type this on a computer and not worry about the next meal. However... humans are driven by their needs. My needs are not satisfied I believe. I dun aim for much.. just to be accepted for what i am.
Why is it that i can't be accepted for what i am? Even I can't accept myself. Honestly i feel less and less as a living person as the days go by. I even start to think that I want to be a tool to someone. A disposable tool... a dispensable.. tool..
I am so hurt, frustrated and angry that I have so little self-worth. I feel that i can't do anything about it at all. The world doesn't revolve around me, and people will continue to point fingers, judge as they see fit, and reshape the world around me.
Will there be a place where i can live my life as I want? I really don't want to hurt anybody. Its almost like some tragedy/horror flick. A gentle monster? A kind abomination? This is a freaking joke. I guess people will never bother about the feelings of a putrefaction no matter how .....
Actually scrap that. Men will always abuse the item once they see its worth. I can see now why people can domesticate animals and slaughter them all without much emotion or concern.
Nobility. Another one of the impossible things in life that I strive to attain in conjunction with Perfection.
Someone please.... counsel me. I need to find a spiritual guide through all these before i go nuts. And no, God is NOT an option for me.
Author: Puizui » Comments:
Thoughts and life thus far
Friday, October 02, 2009
Memoria central.
Its been so fast and so long since i last blogged about my life.
Nowadays i feel happier and also more jealous. I used to be so nonchalant. Its amazing how i can derive so much joy in being a noteworthy and useful dude.
Come to think of it, i do enjoy being appreciated, and being know for my work. Its one of the highest satisfaction i can ever accomplish. The subtle joy in fixing problems and finding solutions is just exhilarating.
I may not pride myself in being a men instead of a commander, but i feel a sense of strength in being important. I may not be able to lead, nor able to exhibit come sense of command or stability, but i pride myself in saying that i will and probably can fix most problems.
Work/material related that is.
This brings me to my current sad predicament. Socially i'm still quite inept. I.... feel quite neutered in this department.
My abysmal EQ and lack of confidence/stability has always made me regret my speeches.
I wonder if its got anything to do with my pacifist nature -- I do please too many people... even at my detriment.
Oddly, my sense of humility and balance prevents me from accepting egoism. Be it mine, or anyone elses'. This should not be an issue, but it is painfully oustanding to me.
This is probably why i do not enjoy being too close to egotists -- too 'selfish' and 'self-important'. Though it is vital to possess a good measure of self-preservation and self-love, this .... is too extreme for me. Call me an devout idealist perhaps.
It severely pains me when i have such egoist friends. I have a terrible struggle with them. (then again, any imperfection is extremely crippling to me.) When i instinctively bash them down to earth, i feel bad for soiling his pride. When i crush their 'perfect concept of self' i feel terrible for losing his friendship. Its partially my pacifist nature that's causing this pain -- i want to please as many people as i want.
However, my pride and idealism makes me think: "Why should i side with such a shameless, selfish bastard?"
And honestly, both make perfect sense.
----------------------------------------------------
There comes the compounded pain; I feel bad for hurting the guy, yet i feel remorseless at the same time. I honestly feel that i may have overcompensated this guy.
Seriously. When you continuously give and not take; when he does'nt offer much in return; when he often criticizes while making himself seem magnificent; when you sense that the bastard is doing what he likes and COMPROMISING YOU nonstop....
I dun see why i should continue to make friends with such an asshole.
I may not be perfect. I may not deliver what you what. I may have stung you badly.
I apologize. I'm sorry.
But when..... you destroy my reputation, you destroy my work, you claim everything while i wrongly acted and allow you do it.....
Though it IS my fault.
I will never, ever, want to become close friends with you.
I learn through life's painful mistakes. I am too gullible, too idealistic.
So from such pains, forgiving............... may be possible.
But the trust will never be there. I will never, EVER , EVER fucking want to be near you.
Sorry dude. If you're freaking me out this way, YOU KNOW its freaky, and you STILL fucking do it. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
I fully intend for some idiot to read this. and i do not regret my choice of words.
Get the fuck away from me you selfish bastard.
I do not fully enjoy any time together with you.
And if you dun ever read this. I wish that i never.... had to go through such a person again.
Just... smile and wave people...
Just smile and wave.
Author: Puizui » Comments:
anoither survey.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
just took a survey
Your Top Character Strength
Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.
Your Second Character Strength
Fairness, equity, and justice
Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.
Your Third Character Strength
Forgiveness and mercy
You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.
Your Fourth Character Strength
Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty
You excel as a member of a group. You are a loyal and dedicated teammate, you always do your share, and you work hard for the success of your group.
Your Fifth Character Strength
Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.
http://www.viasurvey.org/Surveys/Finished
Author: Puizui » Comments:
