Drowning

It seems like lately I've needed to just post a lot of thoughts, and fewer pictures. Maybe I've finally learned to find some therapy in writing out my thoughts. Don't worry - nobody has actually drowned around here lately - I have just been feeling those feelings lately - the suffocation and lack of air.

See, things with Cpc have been rough lately. There are a million possible causes, and a million possible solutions. And that my friends presents me with no help. How do you sift through that? Cpc's potty training has all but tanked. I'm "this close" to saying just bring on the full-time diapering again. How do you put a 4-year-old in diapers after over a year of underwear? I mean really? It's been so up and down - just like his sleep issues always were. We'd think "oh, here's the solution, the thing we've been missing" and it would be marvelous for 2 weeks and then all of a sudden we were back at square 1. This is why all those possible causes and solutions are impossible to sort through. Who can take that kind of roller coaster life? I can't. I'm drowning in it. Particularly today. I've talked to so many people, all with different ideas - more than half of which we've tried. The only thing I keep coming back to in my mind is that something has to be wrong. There is just no explanation for how my child can go pee 6-7 times in an hour and still totally wet his pants. And when there's a problem with my child, I can't help but want to search the world for the answer. Yes, there are things that we can do to make it easier. But even those things only last a couple weeks before my brilliant child finds his way to make it not so helpful. This includes training pants and diapers. And, if potty training were the only issue...

But it's not. Then there is the emotional/social stuff that we are seeing more and more of. Some days Pmc and I just have to review information on Aspberger's to remind ourselves that he's just not quite there. But there is certainly more to our struggles with Cpc than we understand. And that is hard. Especially when we still feel so much skepticism. I don't know where the skepticism comes from really, I just feel it. Every once in a while I wish SPD was more obvious. And yet I don't. I have a cousin who's 5-year-old daughter is starting to go blind. How heartbreaking is that? And that's not the entirety of her daughters issues at all! I don't want my child to lose his vision, obviously. But sometimes I wish SPD was something you couldn't argue with, like blindness. If a person is losing their vision, that's obvious. You just can't argue with it. Yet people feel the need to argue about SPD. I find it in articles all the time. Here I am, a mother trying desperately to find more answers for her son, and people just can't help themselves from commenting on how SPD is a bunch of bologne. And all that does for me is make me hear it in everything anyone says to me. I've become so defensive. Every time I talk to someone about SPD, I can just hear their brain saying "yeah right, you're making this into more than it is." Why do I do this? It's not fair to those people, and it's only hurting me and my family!

But just when I start to think I'm going to sink, I remember all those who do get it, who are understanding and they make sure I know it. They remind me that this is real, that I'm not a hypochondriac for my son, and that there are still more resources to exhaust. Like my mother. I love my mother. I am so grateful for her these days. And friends along the way who share with me little bits of information they find, and remind me that they know this is real. Oh, and certainly not least is the fact that we finally found a pediatrician who I have confidence in, who I know is right for us and can help us. And the resources themselves that all these wonderful people share with me, that give me new hope when I worry we won't get to the bottom of this. And all this reminds me that I wouldn't have Cpc any other way. Because although his struggles are hard, I know they are the very thing that give him the amazing abilities he has. He is so brilliant that it blows my mind on a daily basis. And he is so full of love. And we are learning and growing and understanding so much more about people and the world around us. And so while it feels like I'm drowning, I also know I'm learning to swim in a whole new kind of water, and that is fascinating.

And just so we all understand: No, I am not always able to come full-circle like this when I get down. Sometimes I stay down a lot longer. And yes, Cpc's issues are more prevalent for us right now and it seems to be over-riding everything else a little bit. But I know we'll be able to put it in the background again sometime soon, and it doesn't mean we're not enjoying ourselves at all right now either - we are!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PMC!

You are sure the best husband and father this little family could ask for! Thanks for being you!

Completely Random

There have been so many little things lately that I have relished and want to hold on to through posting them on the blog. Little things I haven't taken pictures of or that you can't totally capture anyway. Here they are:

Cdc loves to jump. He comes into our bed in the morning, gets his cuddles and then it starts - the jumping. We've told him he can't jump on his bed, but he's still little enough that we let him jump on ours or the couch. My favorite is that he always ends with landing on his bum!

Cpc loves to ride his bike. All day long. Everyday. In the morning upon discovering it isn't raining he'll ask if he can ride his bike. I am so grateful for our little gravel parking lot right outside the kitchen window, which allows him to ride while I make dinner and such. He even rode his bike at the park fast enough for me to get my heart rate up walking yesterday. I was so grateful because he's having a pretty hard time getting along with Cdc in the jogger stroller lately. Plus, riding his bike is awesome input.

The weather has been steadily improving and I'm enjoying just hanging out outside with the boys outside lately. Yesterday we got all our chores done first thing in the morning and spent the afternoon nearly tying a small bubbles bottle without spilling any.

In the middle of the night I sometimes hear a sweet little voice say "mommy, I need to go potty!" I'm so grateful for how easy Cdc has been to potty train and what an amazing sleeper he's been. And every time I hear this in the middle of the night, that is what I think. Even if occassionally it's too late and I have to change his sheets in the middle of the night.

Speaking of that, I'm grateful that we moved to NY and met the H family and they taught us about SPD. As it is, it's hard to not be hard on Cpc because he's SO smart and when he doesn't act that way it's confusing. But I can only imagine how much worse it would be if we didn't understand what was going on to some extent. We keep telling ourselves - if he learned to sleep, he will also learn to keep his pants dry. We just haven't found our solution yet!

The boys are learning to play with each other really well. The other day they played in the backyard for an hour together with no fighting and a whole lot of creativity! It was nice to just let them play and work on a project - although I didn't get that much done because I couldn't help stopping every few minutes to watch them play together!

Cpc is getting some of the lessons we've been working on! Particularly cleaning up! I can tell him to put the books away, and instead of coming in later to find an avalanche of books next to the bookshelf, they are all neatly organized! His sorting skills are really something, he's even learned to put the library books in their own spot!

There are a few cute things Cdc has said lately that I just can't seem to pull out of the brain archive. But we love how well he communicates!

And lastly, I don't love the fact that a bunch of crazies ran past our house for an hour this morning with some other crazy cheering them on by ringing a cowbell outside our window for an hour straight! Way to go marathoners! At least Cpc slept through it, he needed the extra sleep! But really, I still think those of my family that run marathons are crazy!

Cdc's Artwork & Some Video

I've been terrible at posting videos for a LONG time! Sorry. Here's a few from lately.

First: The classic sleeping bags on the stairs.

Easter Egg Hunt

Playing outside.

I've posted a lot of Cpc's drawings lately - but Cdc is progressing in his coloring skills too. I love how he likes to have a little of every color!

Easter

We LOVED celebrating Easter this year. The boys were so interested in talking about how Christ was Resurrected. Cpc also had so many questions about death and when we'll be resurrected and how it will be different from how we live now. It was fun to teach him, and also think about questions he came up with that I didn't know the answers to. We learned some new things, and still have some more questions - and I think that's fun! I love how children can motivate you to continue learning and progressing - I think that's my favorite part of being a mother. Children are much more effective at that than school, especially if you welcome it!

The boys really enjoyed the neighborhood easter egg hunt, and we enjoyed getting to know some more neighbors!

The boys were also so excited that the Easter Bunny brought their baby sister a little dress to wear "after she's born," as well as some Sunday clothes that they can wear with baby sister in her dress for a family picture.

Cdc Wears Underwear

I'm sorry to those who disagree, but I think every kid should have a picture of themselves in nothing but underwear when they are of the potty-training age. I just think those little bodies are so cute, and they're not going to stay that way....it's their last little bit of babyhood I guess.

Anyway, so...I don't know if I'm mentioned this on the blog yet, but Cdc has been potty-trained for about a month now. It sure isn't perfect, but he sure has done a great job! I've been thinking for months that he's ready, but I've been a little gun-shy to say the least, so I kept putting it off. But I wish I had just done it sooner, because he sort of just did it himself once we told him it was time. He's been at that "do it myself" stage for a while anyway, so adding one more thing only made him more proud. It also helped that all he needed as far as motivation was a single chocolate chip! We almost felt like we were spoiling him by offering 3 instead!

Way to go Cdc - we're proud of you for moving forward!

Knights in Shining Armor

There are so many moments lately I just want to wrap up and save to enjoy again later. I absolutely love my little family, and they make me so happy. And it is so very true that without struggle, we won't appreciate the joy. Boy, things have been hard for our little family over the past few years. We've been thrown so many big trials that sometimes felt like they would swallow us whole, or maybe chew us to death first - I'm not sure which. But my goodness, it is so easier now to feel the joy that family brings!

Anyway, back to the title. Knights in Shining Armor. I'm not exactly sure how it came about. I think it was a combination of getting these awesome knight helmets from Pops, library books, getting some miniature knights for Christmas, and the way Pmc always talks about being my knight. But, my kids kind of have an obsession with being "Knights in Shining Armor." They wear these helmets around much of the day, and Cpc is often in charge of rescuing a princess. I'm not sure what else he comes up with, but Cdc just imitates the whole thing. Cpc also uses his "grabber" to rescue things for me (when I drop clothes between the washer and dryer, etc.) and I guess it's kind of a sword, maybe because he doesn't have one of those! We love our little knights though!

But I also bring up the Knight in Shining Armor thing because of my real knight - Pmc. Last week I made a failure of a dinner. I tried to make my own Cream of Chicken soup to go with our Chicken Haystacks, and it was awful stuff. Usually if it's not good I do a pretty good job of just mustering through it, and Pmc pulls out some cereal. This time, Pmc was the one to gag it down and I couldn't even look at it without gagging. That's how bad it was. Now, mind you, this happens at least once a week. I just can't seem to withhold myself from trying to learn how to do new things. It's so common for me to figure "I could probably just make that," especially if it means one fewer thing I have to buy because we have all the ingredients on hand. Pmc is VERY patient with this, and I guess this is where I do have some patience - because no matter how many times I fail, I just keep doing it. Well, what do you do with a family when you sit down to eat dinner and mom wrecked it? You've got to come up with something to eat right? And how often can you really have cereal for dinner? Remember, this is something I do on a regular basis - once or twice a week, sometimes more! Well, Pmc is in charge of our "eating out" money, and so he usually swoops in and saves the day by saying "I'll go pick up a five dollar pizza" or something of that sort. So anyway, last week, when I realized even I couldn't eat this stuff I nearly broke down crying, feeling bad that I was once again making him dig into money that would go a lot farther on a nice date that he'd love to take me on if I didn't make him buy us cheap dinners every few days. I recognize that was a run-on sentence. I'm good at those! I'm also good at realizing "I did it again" just a little too late and trying to apologize, even though I know it's going to happen again. Why can't I change this silly bad habit? Pmc usually tells me in these instances "It's ok - I love doing this," and I never understood why. But this time he explained himself. I just love him. He said "how can I be a knight in shining armor if my princess never needs rescuing?"

Yes everybody, go ahead and gag at the cheesiness if you must - but it totally made my day and I'm so grateful for Pmc. I feel so lucky to have him, and lucky that we can learn and grow together. And maybe somehow I'll find a balance of giving him things to rescue me from without thinking I have to learn how to make everything from complete scratch every time! Until then, I'll be calling on my knight every few days!

Giveaway for Moms

I've never done this before, but I'm excited! Like I've said many times, this blog is mainly a journal, so I really don't do the advertising thing. However, the Power of Moms retreats we've been to have made a big difference in our lives, and have improved many aspects of parenting for us - especially me. So, in light of that - I'd like to pass on the news:

Power of Moms has begun to offer "Virtual Retreats" to those who feel like they just can't take the time or money to attend an actual retreat. There are currently 2 trainings offered: Mommy is a Person and Family Systems.

If, as a mother, you ever feel frazzled or feel like you have lost yourself - Mommy is a Person is the retreat for you. It includes 9 video segments that are each 10-20 minutes. You can give yourself a little retreat by working out a "night off" and watching them all at once - or give yourself some mini-retreats by watching one segment at a time in the evenings or at nap-time. There are some concrete ideas that will leave you feeling good about yourself as a mother, and confident enough to make the improvements you want as a mother!

If, as parents, you and your spouse are trying to teach your kids great principles, but sometimes feel a little lost - Family Systems is an awesome date night that can really help! There are three 1-hour webinars. You can give you and your husband a little "couples retreat" by hiring a babysitter and watching them all at once, or watch them one at a time after the kids go to bed. Make sure you give yourselves time to discuss them and make plans for implementing your own strategies.

So - the GIVEAWAY! If you want a chance to win a virtual retreat package (which includes both of the trainings), leave a comment on this post telling me so. You have until Monday at 5pm to leave a comment. I will randomly select a winner (via my son choosing a number out of a hat) and post and email the winner that evening by 9pm. Make sure you leave your email address with your comment if you're not sure whether I have it! Good luck!

P.S.You must be registered on the Power of Moms website to win!