A few weeks ago I had all these glorious thoughts in my mind about motherhood. Things I really wanted to remember and share about why motherhood is so amazing and why it's a gift. But it's been a couple weeks and they've mysteriously floated away from me. It's a shame, really it is. I wish I could remember them, because they gave me peace and joy. But I wrote down on my "computer to-do list" to blog about the "Divine Gift of Motherhood" and I still don't want to forget that I had those thoughts. So I'm going to attempt to write some things about that - but I'm not sure what I'll come up with here.
When we lived in NY, Pmc was studying "Child and Family Studies." He was attending a private university with very liberal views of children and families. Sometimes he would come home from class and share with me some of the discussions they had in class that would just shock me. He would often be told that mothers who stay at home with their kids aren't being fulfilled and that the men who make/allow them to do so are limiting their possibilities, etc. etc. I don't remember all the details. Anyway, sometimes he would defend me to his class and tell them how much I love my role as a stay-at-home mom and they always seemed to figure some way to turn it back on him. I often longed to go to his class and stand up for myself. I wanted to go and tell them how fulfilling my role is as a mom and how it's making me a better person and how it's a privilege. And then of course there were the days where I thought maybe they're right. Those days where I just feel stuck in a rut, and like I'm not doing anything important or accomplishing anything at all. I don't know a stay-at-home mom who doesn't have those days. I know some moms who feel that way most of the time. And it helps me to see the point of view Pmc was being taught. However, there is something I know.
I know that all of these days of mothering full of moments that seem meaningless or insignificant, they all add up. And those things are added to the days of mothering full of moments that aren't quite so meaningless or insignificant. In fact, there really are days and moments, quite a lot of them if I take the time to ponder them and appreciate them, that seem so full of meaning that I think my heart will burst. Things that might seem insignificant from the outside - but that represent many hours of work and sacrifice and love. Things like Cpc helping Cdc get his bowling ball, Cdc saying sorry after smacking my face, Cpc taking big deep breaths without being reminded because he knows he's too wired to keep his cool, Cdc telling me he can do it "by self," or Cpc praying to find his Snoopy without being told that's a good idea. I know these boys of mine aren't really mine. They have minds of their own, and they can learn and grow without ME. I know many people could nourish them, give them food and teach them good things. But I also know many people could neglect them and teach them not-so-good things. I know that these boys of mine won't believe or do everything I teach them. They have agency and they might not make the choices I hope they will make. They might make terrible choices and it will feel like all my teaching was for naught. But they might very well make wonderful choices, make an amazing difference in the world and my heart will burst with joy. People say being a stay-at-home mom can't be fulfilling, and maybe that's because things aren't very sure. Things might not work out the way you hope, life can be devastating, especially when our children's agency is involved. But I think the very experience is fulfilling and liberating.
However, I think losing yourself to mothering can contribute to a lack of fulfillment. I may love my job as a mother - but that is not my identity. It is interesting to me the way our society has always given everyone titles. I am a ....... Well, it is true that I am a mother, but that is not WHO I am. I am Atec. And that identity cannot be summed up in one title, that is why I have my very own individual name (and maybe why I've always thought names shouldn't be too common!). While my name might not explain who I am, neither does some title like "stay-at-home mom." There are plenty of stay-at-home moms in the world and I have discovered that I am not very similar to a single one of them. Sure we have similarities, but we all do our job individually, and we all have children who have very individual personalities. If we as mothers are to truly fulfill our role as mothers, and feel fulfilled in our role, we must keep our own identity and not lose ourselves to our children. On the other hand, if we seek fulfillment AS mothers, we need not go seeking that fulfillment from some other employment. Now, that might be what an individual wants, but it is not the only way. I find fulfillment in mothering because it is merely a PART of my life. Granted, it is a HUGE part of my life. But my relationship with my husband, my role as a homemaker, and the hobbies I love also contribute to my overall happiness and fulfillment. I can have a FAILURE of a day as a mother, and still be content because it is merely a day, and I didn't fail at some of the other things in my life (like tap-dancing!).
The thing is, motherhood stretches me. I always admired those with immense patience and thought it was a quality I'd never be able to develop - but you know what, I'm 20 times more patient than I used to be. I HAD to learn how or I just might have murdered my oldest son at 4am one morning after going 2 straight weeks without sleep (don't judge - you would understand if you had been there!). And now I love that son more for having helped me develop patience. And there are so many other areas of my life that need that patience now. I truly believe this role is a gift from my Heavenly Father. I cherish it and am grateful that He has allowed me the chance to experience it. I am also grateful that He has helped me survive the moments that I thought I couldn't survive, because I am able to look back on those moments with gratitude. I am also grateful that there are so many moments that make my heart swell with joy, and make all the terrible things melt away.
Earlier today I read the blog of a friend from childhood. She just came through an incredible experience - to sum up: She got pregnant, finally with a girl, only to discover that her little girl had a chromosomal abnormality that meant she'd be beyond lucky to make it through birth. Her little daughter was born last week, and they got a precious 38 hours with her before she passed on. She held her precious baby girl and wouldn't let anyone else hold her except her husband when she had to use the bathroom. She spoke of this treasured time with such reverence - which it absolutely deserves. I know her heart is broken, and yet I can tell it is healing at the same time. How blessed she knows she is to have gotten that time with her little girl, to hold her and see her beautiful blue eyes. I know it has been an incredibly difficult experience for her, and yet I know she is simply grateful to have experienced holding her tiny girl. I know she would prefer to be able to have her baby be healthy and perfect and take her home and raise her, but that's not what happened. I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say, except that I will take every moment I get with my own sweet, precious children - because that is simply what I want more than anything else. But I won't stop being the best ME I can be - because that is the best gift that I can give to my children!
